What do you think?
Rate this book
As For Me And My House: Crafting Your Marriage To Last
The acclaimed author of The Book of the Dun Cow moves from his role as master storyteller to that of counselor and husband in this extraordinary look at the makings of a happy, successful marriage.
288 pages, Paperback
First published April 30, 1987
60 people are currently reading
492 people want to read
About the author
Walter Wangerin Jr.
95 books229 followersWalter Wangerin Jr. is widely recognized as one of the most gifted writers writing today on the issues of faith and spirituality. Starting with the renowned Book of the Dun Cow, Wangerin's writing career has encompassed most every genre: fiction, essay, short story, children's story, meditation, and biblical exposition. His writing voice is immediately recognizable, and his fans number in the millions. The author of over forty books, Wangerin has won the National Book Award, New York Times Best Children's Book of the Year Award, and several Gold Medallions, including best-fiction awards for both The Book of God and Paul: A Novel. He lives in Valparaiso, Indiana, where he is Senior Research Professor at Valparaiso University.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews
September 12, 2017
I'm not a bit "advice book" reader, and marriage/relationship books are the worst of the worst. So many, especially those written "from a Christian perspective," so emphasize gender differences/roles/complementarity that my stubbornly tomboyish self just can't take it. Not just because they're annoying, but because they by and large do not apply to (and certainly don't help or encourage) me, my husband, or our marriage. BUT I've read/taught some of Wangerin's fiction, love it, and have seen his marriage book recommended by some folks I respect. So I picked it up, and proceeded to eat it up. He's a gifted writer whose elegant prose carries over from fiction to nonfiction beautifully. He seamlessly weaves narrative and counsel, and focuses not on gender stereotypes or personality clichés but on truly meaningful and universal aspects of marriage, such as forgiveness, healing, and serving.
December 28, 2007
This book gets very high marks for its accurate depiction of what marriage is really like - written in narrative rather than self-help-book style. Should be required reading for couples getting married to help them know what to expect and to not feel so alone when they go through some typical stages. However, one HUGE caveat to what would otherwise be whole hearted recommendation is Wangerin's advice on adultery - to stop, repent, and keep it a secret from your spouse. Now, it's true he gives all kinds of integrity-filled rationalizations for why this is a good and healthy thing to do but it seems so starkly contrary to the remainder of his wholesome advice that is really mars an otherwise wonderful book.
October 13, 2019
The author is a wonderful writer. Real, honest, but not demeaning, and remarkably speaks about love very lovingly. This is my favorite book on marriage.
January 3, 2017
This is overall a great book on marriage that I would highly recommend! My one caveat is that his advice on abusive situations is inadequate and possibly even dangerous. He also focuses on physical abuse does not really even address emotional abuse. It is too bad that an otherwise insightful book has such a large and detrimental blind spot.
December 12, 2018
It’s refreshing to read a self-help book written by a novelist instead of a psychologist. Not only is the writing nimbler and more engaging, so to is the willingness to look honestly at human hearts and behaviors and to address people as they are instead of as they should be.
Rather than simply tell readers how to improve their marriage or get what they want at home, Wangerin goes far deeper. He approaches the nature of marriage in a novelist’s sideways manner and makes the conversation feel fresh and unexpected. At the same time, his writing is convicting, truthful, and richly rewarding. He offers a great deal of wisdom on how to truly build a self-sacrificial, loving relationship with another person.
It was interesting to read his argument that the marriage relationship itself should be seen as a third member of the couple’s union. He says, “Serving this Relationship, neither partner has to feel that change was imposed upon you; rather, each of you offers your various talents and the best of yourselves to the Relationship. This becomes a willing offering, never fearing that your spouse is ‘getting more than he deserves.’ Why? Because both of you benefit in the Relationship’s good health. Now neither of you must submit humiliatingly to the other; rather, each chooses to serve the third being, the Relationship.” Of course, I don’t think it’s healthy to see submission to each other as “humiliating,” but this concept is a helpful reminder that the members of a marriage are building something together, not just serving each other individually.
I like what Wangerin says about communication. “Of course communication is necessary. Likewise, it’s necessary to know how to handle a steering wheel before driving a car. But drunks know how to handle steering wheels; and drunks drive cars--into other people. . . . The most crucial issue in a marriage is not that a couple communicate, but what they communicate.” He points out that too often people claim to be “communicating” with their spouse when they are really venting or simply demanding things they want.
This ties in with a later discussion, when he says, “Besides that, truthfulness means that you’ve taken careful time to examine yourself. . . in order to identify truly your experiences, your feelings, the observations significant to you. And then you’ve found and you practice the best methods of communicating these things to your spouse--in words that he or she can understand. That’s work.” It’s fascinating to hear this kind of conversation described in terms of truthfulness. It reminds me of the classical concept of rhetoric--the idea that the virtuous rhetorician must labor to identify what is right before he studies his audience and attempts to persuade them of truth for their own good. This is very counter-cultural. Nowadays we are all for talking but not for waiting to talk until we've put in hard thought.
I did feel that one of the book’s strengths manages to also function as a small weakness. Pastor Wangerin is clearly determined that his book convict each reader of his or her own sins rather than give anyone grounds to critique his or her spouse. I think that is why he is so carefully gender-neutral and even seems to “explain away” the few Biblical passages that suggest different roles for husbands and wives. Because of this I found myself in disagreement with a few passages of his book (for instance, the idea that there is no inherent reason why a mother should generally be the one to focus on rearing small children instead of functioning as the main breadwinner [this is, however, a very minor part of the book]).
Overall, though, an excellent read. My husband thinks so too!
Rather than simply tell readers how to improve their marriage or get what they want at home, Wangerin goes far deeper. He approaches the nature of marriage in a novelist’s sideways manner and makes the conversation feel fresh and unexpected. At the same time, his writing is convicting, truthful, and richly rewarding. He offers a great deal of wisdom on how to truly build a self-sacrificial, loving relationship with another person.
It was interesting to read his argument that the marriage relationship itself should be seen as a third member of the couple’s union. He says, “Serving this Relationship, neither partner has to feel that change was imposed upon you; rather, each of you offers your various talents and the best of yourselves to the Relationship. This becomes a willing offering, never fearing that your spouse is ‘getting more than he deserves.’ Why? Because both of you benefit in the Relationship’s good health. Now neither of you must submit humiliatingly to the other; rather, each chooses to serve the third being, the Relationship.” Of course, I don’t think it’s healthy to see submission to each other as “humiliating,” but this concept is a helpful reminder that the members of a marriage are building something together, not just serving each other individually.
I like what Wangerin says about communication. “Of course communication is necessary. Likewise, it’s necessary to know how to handle a steering wheel before driving a car. But drunks know how to handle steering wheels; and drunks drive cars--into other people. . . . The most crucial issue in a marriage is not that a couple communicate, but what they communicate.” He points out that too often people claim to be “communicating” with their spouse when they are really venting or simply demanding things they want.
This ties in with a later discussion, when he says, “Besides that, truthfulness means that you’ve taken careful time to examine yourself. . . in order to identify truly your experiences, your feelings, the observations significant to you. And then you’ve found and you practice the best methods of communicating these things to your spouse--in words that he or she can understand. That’s work.” It’s fascinating to hear this kind of conversation described in terms of truthfulness. It reminds me of the classical concept of rhetoric--the idea that the virtuous rhetorician must labor to identify what is right before he studies his audience and attempts to persuade them of truth for their own good. This is very counter-cultural. Nowadays we are all for talking but not for waiting to talk until we've put in hard thought.
I did feel that one of the book’s strengths manages to also function as a small weakness. Pastor Wangerin is clearly determined that his book convict each reader of his or her own sins rather than give anyone grounds to critique his or her spouse. I think that is why he is so carefully gender-neutral and even seems to “explain away” the few Biblical passages that suggest different roles for husbands and wives. Because of this I found myself in disagreement with a few passages of his book (for instance, the idea that there is no inherent reason why a mother should generally be the one to focus on rearing small children instead of functioning as the main breadwinner [this is, however, a very minor part of the book]).
Overall, though, an excellent read. My husband thinks so too!
February 7, 2018
An absolute must-read! This is not a self-help guide, a list of advice, or a compilation of religious marital maxims. This book seeks to uncover to the reader the beautiful and divine purpose of marriage. The content is honest and real, with a style that welcomes you to examine your heart and submit your marriage to the Lord, that His love might be made manifest. I am left in awe of Jesus and His love for me, which is exactly where every thriving marriage begins. Cannot recommend this book more highly!
August 6, 2025
Very honest and true portrait of what marriage is supposed to be and what it is really like, as well as many practical steps to help couples strengthen their marriage. Based on biblical and experiential perspectives— and as a pastor, Walter Wangerin has seen MANY unhappy couples. I might have liked to read more positive stories.
Not very helpful for me personally because I’m not married and don’t have large problems that need resolving. But it gives a good sense of what I might be getting into in the future.
Not very helpful for me personally because I’m not married and don’t have large problems that need resolving. But it gives a good sense of what I might be getting into in the future.
January 16, 2024
Although Im not a homeowner, I still really liked the book. It was a bit too long at times but the message is true and refreshing for those that are married. Would recommend for anyone who is married and wanting to grow closer to their spouse and improve themselves as well.
January 3, 2010
I found "As For Me and My House" quite moving. More than anything I've read, this book explained what marriage is for (beyond procreation and financial stability) and how to make it work. Wangerin writes beautifully, and uses a theological framework for what is truly a practical book. He uses examples from his own marriage, many of which are self-critical. These stories avoid the ring of false humility, which seems to haunt the storytelling of some pastors.
Wangerin, who is writing about marriage from a Christian perspective, argues that the most important element in a marriage relationship is not communication, but forgiveness. I had never heard this idea.
The first two-thirds or so of "As For Me and My House" resonated deeply with me. It seemed to put words to things I felt but couldn't articulate, which is somehow both exciting and comforting.
But in the last sections, Wangerin lost me a little bit. He seems to suggest that if one commits adultery one must confess--but not necessarily to one's spouse. I find that baffling. I realize some people probably would rather not know, but it never seemed Okay to me to keep something like that hidden from the person most affected. And then, when he writes about abusive relationships, Wangerin seems to draw the line when the abuse is recurring. If a friend came to me and said her (or his) spouse had hit her, once, I can't see feeling anything but that the person has to leave him immediately.
Despite these points where my views are different from those presented in the book, I found the rest of it quite helpful, and it gave me a lot to think about.
Wangerin, who is writing about marriage from a Christian perspective, argues that the most important element in a marriage relationship is not communication, but forgiveness. I had never heard this idea.
The first two-thirds or so of "As For Me and My House" resonated deeply with me. It seemed to put words to things I felt but couldn't articulate, which is somehow both exciting and comforting.
But in the last sections, Wangerin lost me a little bit. He seems to suggest that if one commits adultery one must confess--but not necessarily to one's spouse. I find that baffling. I realize some people probably would rather not know, but it never seemed Okay to me to keep something like that hidden from the person most affected. And then, when he writes about abusive relationships, Wangerin seems to draw the line when the abuse is recurring. If a friend came to me and said her (or his) spouse had hit her, once, I can't see feeling anything but that the person has to leave him immediately.
Despite these points where my views are different from those presented in the book, I found the rest of it quite helpful, and it gave me a lot to think about.
March 15, 2012
This book is mostly a waist of time for anyone who is self-aware and knows how to have difficult conversations and come to resolutions with their spouse/fiancee. Most of the anecdotes are a pain to read because the fights they have are highly dysfunctional. While I'm glad they tend to repair the damage it would be better serve the reader to see what successful communication based on love and understanding on ones-self and your partner looks like. Our culture is full of example of examples of couple who fight and have poor communication why should I waist my time reading about it. If you haven't thought about some of the topics Wangerin talks about you would be much better off reading.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
and
Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, Fourth Edition
These books have been by far more helpful for my wife and in creating the foundation for open, honest, vulnerable and loving communication in our marriage.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
and
Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, Fourth Edition
These books have been by far more helpful for my wife and in creating the foundation for open, honest, vulnerable and loving communication in our marriage.
March 22, 2023
I rated this a 4 but it is truly one of the most profound and relatable and practical and effective books on marriage I have ever read (and I've read a good handful...)
I would recommend it to anyone married (or not yet), with the slight disclaimer to read with discernment (as you should read anything). This book offers great advice and points to ponder to anyone considering marriage or new to marriage, but would resonate especially with those who have been through marriage and know the ups and downs, because Wangerin tells it as it is (i.e. unmarried/newly-weds be prepared to have illusion of a fairy book marriage shattered.)
But Wangerin does it warmly. He truly does have a pastor's heart with his tender and open approach.
I think part of this book's success is because Wangerin is truly an author (his fiction is excellent!) and approaches this book not just as a pastor/counselor, but also an author. Contrast this with many current writers/pastoral figures who have great counseling wisdom and pastoral advice to share, but aren't necessarily authors by craft (and it shows.) Wangerin's prose is well-crafted and effective, and his book is narrative driven, and pleasant and enriching to read.
Wangerin shares many truly vulnerable moments - not cheesy, exaggerated stories purely for illustration (*ahem* looking at some other marriage books out there) - but heart-wrenching, relatable, human moments that let you believe he truly knows where you are at, and is able to walk with you at that point. Each chapter has a fair amount of narrative in it, developing a solid foundation for his approach. If you don't want a book to really dive into and rather are looking for quick snippets of advice, this may not be the one for you. But if you want advice from someone who's truly been through the trenches and is sharing from experience, give Wangerin a chance.
I did not agree with him on everything. Most of those issues were easy enough to set aside and read beyond to reach the wealth of wisdom and practical insight he does have to offer. He doesn't refer to many specific Bible passages as much as general Biblical principles of living out love through marriage, so I'd supplement this with others books on marriage that do dive into what Scripture has to say more specifically.
But I actually think one of my points of disagreement with him is precisely what made this book so striking and encouraging for me.
Wangerin is not explicitly egalitarian, but reveals himself to be so. I place myself in the complementarian camp (*dodges stones*) - but am not legalistically so.
My conclusion after reading this and finding it SO refreshing (compared to the mostly complementarian marriage books I've read thusfar) is that Wangerin's approach frees him to simply write about marriage as between two people and really focuses on those two people as two humans who are mutually members of a marriage and of each other (which, btw, is NOT inconsistent with complementarianism, despite what you may have heard.)
I think many complementarian authors writing about marriage, despite their best intentions and truly believing in the mutuality of marriage, get SO hung up on the complementary aspects and feeling like they have to explain and defend those, that they can gloss over some of the togetherness elements of marriage, the mutuality of marriage, of trust, of friendship, of kindness, etc.
Wangerin, because he feels no need to defend complementarianism, really hones in on the mutuality of the marriage relationship. He doesn't deny men and women complementing each other, or the marriage serving each spouse uniquely, but he develops a notion that the *marriage* is it's own entity (even calling the marriage a "person") to be served by each individual in the marriage. At first that was a weird concept to me (and maybe still is), but I do think his points therein and his ability to make his points based on that analogy was effective and continues to be thought-provoking and fruit producing. It's a fresh light in which to view the marriage and marriage relationship, and allows a lot of room for graciousness with each other while striving together for the same goals of honor, respect, love, and unity.
Wangerin also places a high view on forgiveness and breaks down thorough practical steps and procedures on how to pursue that in the marriage. Can't say I've come close to reaching it, just by reading the book, but it's definitely given me a tangible, helpful framework to aspire to.
With all of that, I think I could give the book an easy 5.
The 4 (maybe 4.5) is from one specific point he makes, that struck me (and my husband - we read this out loud together, which was great!) as very concerning. In addressing what to do in the case of adultery/unfaithfulness in the marriage, he leaves some strings concerningly loose. I appreciate his general focus on repentance and leaving room for reconciliation, but he goes so far (and I had to read and reread this to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding him) as to advise the unfaithful spouse to NOT confess his sin to his spouse (still to confess it to a trusted third party), if he was sure his spouse was not aware of the sin, so as not to bring up unnecessary hurt. NO NO NO. First, that's not Biblical. Not at all. Second, the hurt happened, not bringing it up won't erase the unspoken damage that DOES exist in the relationship. Third, that's so presumptuous and downright risky to assume your spouse doesn't know or suspect anything, or won't find out. Beyond being disrespectful and dishonest, despite best intentions, it leaves room for SO much unnecessary hurt and distrust and relational devastation down the road when it will likely, at some point, be revealed.
This was written in the 80s, so I'll give him a bit of leniency for outdated advice, but still, can't let that one slide.
All in all, if your marriage could use some refreshment and you're feeling a bit burnt out by the marriage books that give the same clinical, cliche, or even cheesy advice that somehow doesn't quite hit the heart, give this one a try.
If nothing else, you'll walk away feeling like you've made two new friends (Walter and Thanne) - those refreshing type who are willing to lay it on the table and tell it as it is, and to get their hands dirty to help you without looking down on you for what all of us are working through if we're willing to be honest.
I would recommend it to anyone married (or not yet), with the slight disclaimer to read with discernment (as you should read anything). This book offers great advice and points to ponder to anyone considering marriage or new to marriage, but would resonate especially with those who have been through marriage and know the ups and downs, because Wangerin tells it as it is (i.e. unmarried/newly-weds be prepared to have illusion of a fairy book marriage shattered.)
But Wangerin does it warmly. He truly does have a pastor's heart with his tender and open approach.
I think part of this book's success is because Wangerin is truly an author (his fiction is excellent!) and approaches this book not just as a pastor/counselor, but also an author. Contrast this with many current writers/pastoral figures who have great counseling wisdom and pastoral advice to share, but aren't necessarily authors by craft (and it shows.) Wangerin's prose is well-crafted and effective, and his book is narrative driven, and pleasant and enriching to read.
Wangerin shares many truly vulnerable moments - not cheesy, exaggerated stories purely for illustration (*ahem* looking at some other marriage books out there) - but heart-wrenching, relatable, human moments that let you believe he truly knows where you are at, and is able to walk with you at that point. Each chapter has a fair amount of narrative in it, developing a solid foundation for his approach. If you don't want a book to really dive into and rather are looking for quick snippets of advice, this may not be the one for you. But if you want advice from someone who's truly been through the trenches and is sharing from experience, give Wangerin a chance.
I did not agree with him on everything. Most of those issues were easy enough to set aside and read beyond to reach the wealth of wisdom and practical insight he does have to offer. He doesn't refer to many specific Bible passages as much as general Biblical principles of living out love through marriage, so I'd supplement this with others books on marriage that do dive into what Scripture has to say more specifically.
But I actually think one of my points of disagreement with him is precisely what made this book so striking and encouraging for me.
Wangerin is not explicitly egalitarian, but reveals himself to be so. I place myself in the complementarian camp (*dodges stones*) - but am not legalistically so.
My conclusion after reading this and finding it SO refreshing (compared to the mostly complementarian marriage books I've read thusfar) is that Wangerin's approach frees him to simply write about marriage as between two people and really focuses on those two people as two humans who are mutually members of a marriage and of each other (which, btw, is NOT inconsistent with complementarianism, despite what you may have heard.)
I think many complementarian authors writing about marriage, despite their best intentions and truly believing in the mutuality of marriage, get SO hung up on the complementary aspects and feeling like they have to explain and defend those, that they can gloss over some of the togetherness elements of marriage, the mutuality of marriage, of trust, of friendship, of kindness, etc.
Wangerin, because he feels no need to defend complementarianism, really hones in on the mutuality of the marriage relationship. He doesn't deny men and women complementing each other, or the marriage serving each spouse uniquely, but he develops a notion that the *marriage* is it's own entity (even calling the marriage a "person") to be served by each individual in the marriage. At first that was a weird concept to me (and maybe still is), but I do think his points therein and his ability to make his points based on that analogy was effective and continues to be thought-provoking and fruit producing. It's a fresh light in which to view the marriage and marriage relationship, and allows a lot of room for graciousness with each other while striving together for the same goals of honor, respect, love, and unity.
Wangerin also places a high view on forgiveness and breaks down thorough practical steps and procedures on how to pursue that in the marriage. Can't say I've come close to reaching it, just by reading the book, but it's definitely given me a tangible, helpful framework to aspire to.
With all of that, I think I could give the book an easy 5.
The 4 (maybe 4.5) is from one specific point he makes, that struck me (and my husband - we read this out loud together, which was great!) as very concerning. In addressing what to do in the case of adultery/unfaithfulness in the marriage, he leaves some strings concerningly loose. I appreciate his general focus on repentance and leaving room for reconciliation, but he goes so far (and I had to read and reread this to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding him) as to advise the unfaithful spouse to NOT confess his sin to his spouse (still to confess it to a trusted third party), if he was sure his spouse was not aware of the sin, so as not to bring up unnecessary hurt. NO NO NO. First, that's not Biblical. Not at all. Second, the hurt happened, not bringing it up won't erase the unspoken damage that DOES exist in the relationship. Third, that's so presumptuous and downright risky to assume your spouse doesn't know or suspect anything, or won't find out. Beyond being disrespectful and dishonest, despite best intentions, it leaves room for SO much unnecessary hurt and distrust and relational devastation down the road when it will likely, at some point, be revealed.
This was written in the 80s, so I'll give him a bit of leniency for outdated advice, but still, can't let that one slide.
All in all, if your marriage could use some refreshment and you're feeling a bit burnt out by the marriage books that give the same clinical, cliche, or even cheesy advice that somehow doesn't quite hit the heart, give this one a try.
If nothing else, you'll walk away feeling like you've made two new friends (Walter and Thanne) - those refreshing type who are willing to lay it on the table and tell it as it is, and to get their hands dirty to help you without looking down on you for what all of us are working through if we're willing to be honest.
June 6, 2020
This was a decent read. I wasn’t hugely impressed though; his fiction is much better. I have read many of his books and this one was particularly wordy. I am also not married, so I don’t have loads to say on the topic. For me, a decent portion of it can be incorporated through the context of friendships.
It was intended to be for both men and women, but I felt that he primarily addressed men throughout the book. This was actually a bonus for me. He also didn’t cover hot topic areas very well; in my opinion he skirted sensitive issues. It was also written a bit ago, so some things seemed a bit antiquated (some potentially offensive, but keeping the 80’s in mind I could laugh). He smacks a tad of old-school SJW, but before things became totally toxic; one can tell he is very well-meaning. I didn’t have too many gripes aside from him being more liberal than me (a soft rejection of any biblical gender roles “people are too different” situational/relative…that was irksome), but I was prepared for that.
Mostly I felt that his avoidance of high priority questions emptied his book of a lot of its relevance. It was simply boring, which is not typical of WW. It would seem trite to someone who did not know how earnest and good-willed he is. I would have hated it except he is such a kind pastor who truly cares for his people. He reminds me of an old country parson, a bit naïve and perhaps boring, but a solidly decent chap.
Highlights:
//During courtship the partners think that they are adjusting to one another’s differences//
//A willingness of each partner to suspend certain life patterns for a while (but only a while), which allows a false mutuality//
//[T]hey are testing things that the other likes, but the people truly stay who they are. Changes are not made without deep thought and willful acknowledgement.//
Me: People are stubborn creatures. Realize that many things that appear as positive are actually negatives toned down. If you like their leadership in the courtship they may be controlling in a marriage. Not absolutes, but worth thinking on.
//Do not dismiss sin. Be clear about it; discuss it, and then forgive it.//
Me: Dismissal of sin without acknowledging its wickedness is an affront to God’s law.
//[B]e truthful, dismissing a perceived issue “Honey, what’s wrong”, “nothing” is not truthful. Trust and communication rely on truth and openness.//
Me: At least in friendships that I’ve experienced it is the consistent dismissal of issues to “keep the peace” that eventually leads to bitterness/resentment (usually me) or an explosion/anger (usually them). Even if it seems inconsequential, if they ask what’s wrong, tell them what you were thinking. Honesty hurts less, believe me.
//To receive the benefits of someone else’s labor is not to share in the work.//
Me: I like this point a lot. You can’t consider yourself to have labored with them if you are only reaping the rewards. It seems basic but so many people don’t live it. Little red hen anyone?
//[The culture’s expectations] can make those partners miserable who think they should, but cannot, conform.//
Me: If people picked a church and stuck with it and were constantly surrounded by the broken people of God this wouldn’t be an issue. This is a pet peeve of mine, but it is very important. (Excerpt from something I wrote) “People are influenced by their communities; God works through communities of believers (the Church catholic). If you divorce yourself from that which God has made to nourish you, can you claim surprise when you adopt pagan outlooks? Will you even realize that you are being conditioned without the litmus test of the Church? Doubtful. God gave us each other.”
If marriages (or relationships in general) want to last, they must participate in the Covenant community. I know, “they’re not nice”, but neither am I, and neither are you. There isn’t a blank-slate alternative, it’s the Church or the pagans, pick one.
//Adultery is rarely a sudden, spontaneous, and totally unexpected act. It is proceeded by a longer drama, at the beginning of which you are not helpless.//
Me: H/T to Aimee Byrd’s toxic idea of spiritual companions. Cultivation of deep spiritual relationship with people who are not your spouse is asking for trouble. This is not a wise move. Keep yourself from even the appearance of sin. Most people I know who have cheated or have been cheated on have done so with a close friend. Strangers at bars do happen and is no less wicked than the more typical coworker, classmate, fellow church member etc. Keep yourself pure at the outset, ‘give no occasion’.
//[Y]ou can’t [gift something] if it is something which is actually an obligation.//
Me: If you have a moral or assigned obligation to fulfill a role, duty, etc. you are not giving a gift in doing so. A man’s working to provide for the family and his patriarchal support/leadership is wonderful, but it’s not a gift, it is a duty. Likewise, a wife’s household management and teaching of the children is not a gift, it is graceful and to be celebrated, but it is not a gift.
It was intended to be for both men and women, but I felt that he primarily addressed men throughout the book. This was actually a bonus for me. He also didn’t cover hot topic areas very well; in my opinion he skirted sensitive issues. It was also written a bit ago, so some things seemed a bit antiquated (some potentially offensive, but keeping the 80’s in mind I could laugh). He smacks a tad of old-school SJW, but before things became totally toxic; one can tell he is very well-meaning. I didn’t have too many gripes aside from him being more liberal than me (a soft rejection of any biblical gender roles “people are too different” situational/relative…that was irksome), but I was prepared for that.
Mostly I felt that his avoidance of high priority questions emptied his book of a lot of its relevance. It was simply boring, which is not typical of WW. It would seem trite to someone who did not know how earnest and good-willed he is. I would have hated it except he is such a kind pastor who truly cares for his people. He reminds me of an old country parson, a bit naïve and perhaps boring, but a solidly decent chap.
Highlights:
//During courtship the partners think that they are adjusting to one another’s differences//
//A willingness of each partner to suspend certain life patterns for a while (but only a while), which allows a false mutuality//
//[T]hey are testing things that the other likes, but the people truly stay who they are. Changes are not made without deep thought and willful acknowledgement.//
Me: People are stubborn creatures. Realize that many things that appear as positive are actually negatives toned down. If you like their leadership in the courtship they may be controlling in a marriage. Not absolutes, but worth thinking on.
//Do not dismiss sin. Be clear about it; discuss it, and then forgive it.//
Me: Dismissal of sin without acknowledging its wickedness is an affront to God’s law.
//[B]e truthful, dismissing a perceived issue “Honey, what’s wrong”, “nothing” is not truthful. Trust and communication rely on truth and openness.//
Me: At least in friendships that I’ve experienced it is the consistent dismissal of issues to “keep the peace” that eventually leads to bitterness/resentment (usually me) or an explosion/anger (usually them). Even if it seems inconsequential, if they ask what’s wrong, tell them what you were thinking. Honesty hurts less, believe me.
//To receive the benefits of someone else’s labor is not to share in the work.//
Me: I like this point a lot. You can’t consider yourself to have labored with them if you are only reaping the rewards. It seems basic but so many people don’t live it. Little red hen anyone?
//[The culture’s expectations] can make those partners miserable who think they should, but cannot, conform.//
Me: If people picked a church and stuck with it and were constantly surrounded by the broken people of God this wouldn’t be an issue. This is a pet peeve of mine, but it is very important. (Excerpt from something I wrote) “People are influenced by their communities; God works through communities of believers (the Church catholic). If you divorce yourself from that which God has made to nourish you, can you claim surprise when you adopt pagan outlooks? Will you even realize that you are being conditioned without the litmus test of the Church? Doubtful. God gave us each other.”
If marriages (or relationships in general) want to last, they must participate in the Covenant community. I know, “they’re not nice”, but neither am I, and neither are you. There isn’t a blank-slate alternative, it’s the Church or the pagans, pick one.
//Adultery is rarely a sudden, spontaneous, and totally unexpected act. It is proceeded by a longer drama, at the beginning of which you are not helpless.//
Me: H/T to Aimee Byrd’s toxic idea of spiritual companions. Cultivation of deep spiritual relationship with people who are not your spouse is asking for trouble. This is not a wise move. Keep yourself from even the appearance of sin. Most people I know who have cheated or have been cheated on have done so with a close friend. Strangers at bars do happen and is no less wicked than the more typical coworker, classmate, fellow church member etc. Keep yourself pure at the outset, ‘give no occasion’.
//[Y]ou can’t [gift something] if it is something which is actually an obligation.//
Me: If you have a moral or assigned obligation to fulfill a role, duty, etc. you are not giving a gift in doing so. A man’s working to provide for the family and his patriarchal support/leadership is wonderful, but it’s not a gift, it is a duty. Likewise, a wife’s household management and teaching of the children is not a gift, it is graceful and to be celebrated, but it is not a gift.
October 11, 2018
This book was a great read. I started reading the book wishing that I had read it before marriage, but when I got halfway through, I realized that the two years of marriage had taught me a lot which I used to understand and apply the book. When I finished it, I realized that it's a book that should be read regardless of how long you've been married. It's thought-provoking and encouraging.
While I can't say that my marriage changed overnight because of this book, I can say that I took a lot of Wangerin's ideas and am trying to implement them into my marriage.
My favorite chapter in this book was the one on forgiveness. Wangerin gives steps to forgiving your spouse, and he said to forgive your spouse you first have to let him know that he's done something wrong or hurtful. Otherwise, the forgiveness doesn't do much. So you have to be open and honest with your spouse when something he did hurt you and tell him that you're hurting because of it, and then you can move to the forgiveness stage. That's hard to do though. But it made me think of all the times I've "forgiven" my spouse for something he did or didn't do, without telling him that I was upset by it, and so nothing is really resolved, right? I'm trying to be better about talking to my spouse in those moments instead of just thinking and processing it all by myself.
This book is so full of insight and is incredible to read. It's easy to read, and it's easy to take breaks from which is great because then you have time for processing and practicing. I highly encourage anyone dating, engaged, or married to read this book.
While I can't say that my marriage changed overnight because of this book, I can say that I took a lot of Wangerin's ideas and am trying to implement them into my marriage.
My favorite chapter in this book was the one on forgiveness. Wangerin gives steps to forgiving your spouse, and he said to forgive your spouse you first have to let him know that he's done something wrong or hurtful. Otherwise, the forgiveness doesn't do much. So you have to be open and honest with your spouse when something he did hurt you and tell him that you're hurting because of it, and then you can move to the forgiveness stage. That's hard to do though. But it made me think of all the times I've "forgiven" my spouse for something he did or didn't do, without telling him that I was upset by it, and so nothing is really resolved, right? I'm trying to be better about talking to my spouse in those moments instead of just thinking and processing it all by myself.
This book is so full of insight and is incredible to read. It's easy to read, and it's easy to take breaks from which is great because then you have time for processing and practicing. I highly encourage anyone dating, engaged, or married to read this book.
July 22, 2023
As we read this, my wife and I kept thinking, Man, if we had read this at the beginning of our marriage life, things would have been so much simpler. A lot of the chapters had a bittersweet feeling for us, like, we figured out what he had to say, but only after a lot of unnecessary suffering. If this book had existed back in 1983 or whenever my parents got married, and if certain of them were able to listen, this book might have prevented actual generations' worth of that same suffering.
If you are married or intending to be married, I suggest this book heartily. It did come out in 1990, so there will be things that make you cringe (his wife works with kids with special needs, which thirty-plus years ago meant "retarded" children, though without the intent to cause offense), but the majority of this is tough but tender in the right ways, fully attuned to the glories and the ache of living in the marriage relationship with even the best person, and deeply lifegiving. There were multiple chapters where, instead of being able to move on in peace, we had to stop and have several hours of conversation about real hurt and misgiving we didn't even know we had with each other. We are celebrating each other more now than ever before. This book is a treasure.
If you are married or intending to be married, I suggest this book heartily. It did come out in 1990, so there will be things that make you cringe (his wife works with kids with special needs, which thirty-plus years ago meant "retarded" children, though without the intent to cause offense), but the majority of this is tough but tender in the right ways, fully attuned to the glories and the ache of living in the marriage relationship with even the best person, and deeply lifegiving. There were multiple chapters where, instead of being able to move on in peace, we had to stop and have several hours of conversation about real hurt and misgiving we didn't even know we had with each other. We are celebrating each other more now than ever before. This book is a treasure.
November 3, 2018
Parts of this book seem to have really good advice, and other parts utterly ridiculous. Wally comes across as pompous and unaware, and he’s the author - presenting himself this way! He has been married 18 years at the writing of this book and has 3 kids. His husband/wife relationship is extremely traditional, although he attempts not to be?
The book is built on the idea that the marriage itself is a 3rd entity to your relationship and everything you do should be done in service to the marriage.
I did appreciate his stance that communication is important. I didn’t really enjoy his personal story because he painted himself as unaware and yet pretentious. Everything we know about Wally and Thanne’s relationship seems unhealthy to me.
The book is built on the idea that the marriage itself is a 3rd entity to your relationship and everything you do should be done in service to the marriage.
I did appreciate his stance that communication is important. I didn’t really enjoy his personal story because he painted himself as unaware and yet pretentious. Everything we know about Wally and Thanne’s relationship seems unhealthy to me.
April 24, 2022
What Anne said in Dec. 2007.
Dec 27, 2007Anne rated it really liked it
This book gets very high marks for its accurate depiction of what marriage is really like - written in narrative rather than self-help-book style. Should be required reading for couples getting married to help them know what to expect and to not feel so alone when they go through some typical stages. However, one HUGE caveat to what would otherwise be whole hearted recommendation is Wangerin's advice on adultery - to stop, repent, and keep it a secret from your spouse. Now, it's true he gives all kinds of integrity-filled rationalizations for why this is a good and healthy thing to do but it seems so starkly contrary to the remainder of his wholesome advice that is really mars an otherwise wonderful book. (less)
Dec 27, 2007Anne rated it really liked it
This book gets very high marks for its accurate depiction of what marriage is really like - written in narrative rather than self-help-book style. Should be required reading for couples getting married to help them know what to expect and to not feel so alone when they go through some typical stages. However, one HUGE caveat to what would otherwise be whole hearted recommendation is Wangerin's advice on adultery - to stop, repent, and keep it a secret from your spouse. Now, it's true he gives all kinds of integrity-filled rationalizations for why this is a good and healthy thing to do but it seems so starkly contrary to the remainder of his wholesome advice that is really mars an otherwise wonderful book. (less)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 12, 2018
The Content of this book is good. I could seeing handing it to a newly engaged couple or a couple needing to know what makes Biblical marriage different from the world's. However there are strange and awkward transitions, pieces of the story or illustration he is telling that is missing and you are left scratching your head. Not to mention is the overly sentimental and saccharine description of his marriage. It goes from Puppy dog sweet to boneheaded ignorance from one chapter to another.
March 9, 2020
Marriage books are notoriously shallow, predictable, and trend towards triumphalistic or doom and gloom. Wangerin's book is none of these. A breath of refreshing air, his handling of the real, deep, lasting, and meaningful issues of marriage is nuanced, balanced, and pastoral. He weaves in stories in a wonderful way, and his writing style makes for easy reading. One of the best marriage books I've seen.
June 6, 2025
This has been my favorite book I’ve read on the topic of marriage so far. It’s told in a narrative way, tracing the story of love from dating to 18 years of marriage. The lows feel relatable and the highs feel divine.
The important and far reaching nature of trust and truth really stuck with me a compass for who and how I want to be. All of the chapters about forgiveness are ones I am sure I will return to.
The important and far reaching nature of trust and truth really stuck with me a compass for who and how I want to be. All of the chapters about forgiveness are ones I am sure I will return to.
July 11, 2017
Written in the late 1980s by a Lutheran pastor, this book is full of marriage advice, as well as the author's reflections on his own marriage. I found it very helpful and realistic, unlike much of the self-help writing that seems to be unrealistic and overly ideological. I thought that he did a good job of balancing traditional Christian ideas with his own experience to provide solid advice.
November 9, 2021
The writting in this book really is beautiful.
He writes about love in a way that actually feels loving. I got teary at the end.
Also, he doesn't prescribe gender roles and acknowledges that marital rape exists so that puts him far above most Christian marriage books.
His advice about dealing with abuse is a bit outdated but at least he emphasizes getting to safety instead of victim shaming.
He writes about love in a way that actually feels loving. I got teary at the end.
Also, he doesn't prescribe gender roles and acknowledges that marital rape exists so that puts him far above most Christian marriage books.
His advice about dealing with abuse is a bit outdated but at least he emphasizes getting to safety instead of victim shaming.
December 4, 2025
Year long read with my DNA gals! Really great book for starting serious conversations about biblical marriage & the vision God intended for it. It definitely highlights the difficult work that is required of marriage but also the blessings that the team effort produces, most especially when both partners are chasing after the Lord above all else. Shoutout to Jamie’s dad for the recommendation!
August 25, 2025
Took me a while to get into it. I don't agree with him about it there is infidelity in your marriage to go to someone else and not tell your spouse.
I can see how he may think that is helpful, but then there is a lie between you and them. That is another wrong and two wrongs don't make a right.
I can see how he may think that is helpful, but then there is a lie between you and them. That is another wrong and two wrongs don't make a right.
September 22, 2017
Love this book. I bought and read it the day after I married. I'm re-reading it 15 years later.
September 4, 2018
This is one of my all time favorite books. I’ve read it several times over the years. I think I love it a bit more after ever read.
October 25, 2019
This book is good for married couple and it is helpful to married couple. The relationship is important.
Want to read
March 17, 2022Jeff’s recommendation
November 12, 2016
It's pretty clear by now that I've read a lot of relationship books. They're my guilty pleasure when it comes to reading. I don't read them seeking help or advice - I read them because they absolutely fascinate me.
However, they all tend to say the same thing, just in their own ways. Be nice to your spouse. Honor each other. Care for each other. Learn how to fight correctly. Don't cheat. On and on it goes...
...but, As For Me And My House is an exception to that. Wangerin takes it a step further by making you accountable for what you say and do within your marriage. He doesn't just give you advice on how to make a marriage work with your spouse. He talks about the work you need to do as well. It takes two to do this and Wangerin lays that out clearly for the reader.
Yes, this is a Christian book about marriage. It does talk about God in the marriage, it has Scripture and there is a tone of Christian ideals in it. It is not overwhelming, pushy or preachy. It does not say, "look to Jesus!" as an answer to each issue. You'll get real marriage advice with God included. If that is not your thing, as it isn't for many couples today, the marriage advice is still very sound and applicable
Wangerin has a beautiful way with words and reading this book was an experience just for that. His flow is consistent and easy to follow; his sentences make sense (which can be an issue in books like these) and he writes with honesty. He has a gift in writing and I consider myself lucky to have found him as an author.
Like these books do, the regular issues are covered. A lot of people skip over parts that either don't apply to them or that they've read many times in other books. After all, what can you get out of something that has nothing to do with your life? What could yet another book possibly have to say that's different from the millions you've already read?
Well, a lot, in this case. For me, the adultery chapter is one that I could have skipped as it doesn't apply to my marriage. Yet, I read it, because I knew at that point that I'd get something out of it. With this book, there is something to gain from each chapter that may not apply to you.
And if you've read it all before (forgiveness, say), read what Wangerin has to say about whatever 'it' may be. This isn't a cut and dry book of marital advice. It's real, honest and sometimes painful as you're going to examine yourself deeply as you read this one.
If you've never read a marriage book before, or plan on only reading one, let this book be that one. It is well worth your time, energy and consideration. This is one I can definitely get behind and recommend to couples that are engaged, newlyweds or in the prime of their marriage.
However, they all tend to say the same thing, just in their own ways. Be nice to your spouse. Honor each other. Care for each other. Learn how to fight correctly. Don't cheat. On and on it goes...
...but, As For Me And My House is an exception to that. Wangerin takes it a step further by making you accountable for what you say and do within your marriage. He doesn't just give you advice on how to make a marriage work with your spouse. He talks about the work you need to do as well. It takes two to do this and Wangerin lays that out clearly for the reader.
Yes, this is a Christian book about marriage. It does talk about God in the marriage, it has Scripture and there is a tone of Christian ideals in it. It is not overwhelming, pushy or preachy. It does not say, "look to Jesus!" as an answer to each issue. You'll get real marriage advice with God included. If that is not your thing, as it isn't for many couples today, the marriage advice is still very sound and applicable
Wangerin has a beautiful way with words and reading this book was an experience just for that. His flow is consistent and easy to follow; his sentences make sense (which can be an issue in books like these) and he writes with honesty. He has a gift in writing and I consider myself lucky to have found him as an author.
Like these books do, the regular issues are covered. A lot of people skip over parts that either don't apply to them or that they've read many times in other books. After all, what can you get out of something that has nothing to do with your life? What could yet another book possibly have to say that's different from the millions you've already read?
Well, a lot, in this case. For me, the adultery chapter is one that I could have skipped as it doesn't apply to my marriage. Yet, I read it, because I knew at that point that I'd get something out of it. With this book, there is something to gain from each chapter that may not apply to you.
And if you've read it all before (forgiveness, say), read what Wangerin has to say about whatever 'it' may be. This isn't a cut and dry book of marital advice. It's real, honest and sometimes painful as you're going to examine yourself deeply as you read this one.
If you've never read a marriage book before, or plan on only reading one, let this book be that one. It is well worth your time, energy and consideration. This is one I can definitely get behind and recommend to couples that are engaged, newlyweds or in the prime of their marriage.
February 11, 2012
This is a truly a unique and refreshing book. I picked it up on the recommendation of a trusted friend, but still braced myself for what I expected to be a legalistic/patriarchal view of marriage when I discovered it was written 25 years ago by a Christian man who's probably old enough to be my grandfather. I'm glad I muddled through. Wangerin is an uncommonly thoughtful person and a gifted writer, which is a wonderful combination.
The book walks through the various practices that contribute to a growing, healthy marriage. He describes the marriage relationship as a third "being" in your house that must be nurtured and submitted to above each spouse's personal needs and desires. As both spouses care for and serve the marriage, it grows to maturity and is then able to care for and serve the spouses in return. He writes about the power of a marriage to transform, heal and strengthen people in a beautiful way without being saccharine. I particularly appreciated his thoughts about: 1) idealism and disillusionment early in marriage, 2) creating a unique sexual relationship, and 3) working out a division of labor between spouses for the "tasks of life" based on interest and ability (not gender).
Overall, I appreciated Wangerin's perspective because it breathed fresh freedom and grace into my view of marriage. I would have given it five stars except I found a few of the sections to be a little tedious, even though I do think their topics are important. I won't mention which ones as not to bias anyone against them....
The book walks through the various practices that contribute to a growing, healthy marriage. He describes the marriage relationship as a third "being" in your house that must be nurtured and submitted to above each spouse's personal needs and desires. As both spouses care for and serve the marriage, it grows to maturity and is then able to care for and serve the spouses in return. He writes about the power of a marriage to transform, heal and strengthen people in a beautiful way without being saccharine. I particularly appreciated his thoughts about: 1) idealism and disillusionment early in marriage, 2) creating a unique sexual relationship, and 3) working out a division of labor between spouses for the "tasks of life" based on interest and ability (not gender).
Overall, I appreciated Wangerin's perspective because it breathed fresh freedom and grace into my view of marriage. I would have given it five stars except I found a few of the sections to be a little tedious, even though I do think their topics are important. I won't mention which ones as not to bias anyone against them....
July 19, 2007
Wow! Excellent book! I think every newly married couple, and every couple embarking on marriage, should read this. I bet even some couples who have been married for years and still struggle with difficulties in their relationship could benefit from some of the wonderful advice. He focuses the middle section of the book on forgiveness, and the last section on six tasks that a couple needs to work on together for the marriage to survive: (1) building a foundation of truthfulness and dependability; (2) sharing the work of survival; (3) learning to talk and listen well; (4) making love; (5) healing each other's hurts; (6) giving gifts and volunteering oneself to the other, not to get anything in return or as a reward for anything, but just because of love. If all marriages followed the suggestions Wangerin lays out in this book, we'd have a lot fewer divorces.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews