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Walking through Infertility
Up to 10 percent of all couples experience some form of reproductive infertility, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. A traumatic and wounding experience, infertility often leads to feelings of despair and shame as couples grapple with shattered dreams and unanswered questions. This book, overflowing with warmth and sensitivity, offers hope and guidance from Scripture, addressing biblical, theological, and ethical questions related to the reality of infertility. Over the course of four chapters, Matthew Arbo explores examples of infertility in the Bible, how the church can walk alongside couples struggling with infertility, and ethical issues related to a variety of fertility treatments and reproductive technologies, including in vitro fertilization and surrogacy--making this book a well-rounded resource for couples struggling with infertility, pastors caring for their congregations, and all who seek to walk with others through this particularly difficult providence. Each chapter concludes with takeaways, short sentences summarizing the key points for easy reference and review.
128 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2018
19 people are currently reading
151 people want to read
About the author
Matthew Arbo
5 books3 followersMatthew Arbo (PhD, University of Edinburgh) is assistant professor of theological studies and director of the Center for Faith and Public Life at Oklahoma Baptist University. He and his family are members of Frontline Church in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
July 13, 2018
I struggled to connect with this book. I do appreciate the author’s work to connect Christian discipleship to the trial of infertility, and in the harder years of our infertility, I did find the church and corporate worship and Scripture and hymns to be so bolstering to my faith. And so I am certainly glad to see that emphasis within the book, rather than infertility being presented as only an individual trial without connection to the larger body of Christ.
But I also feel that this book lacks a tone of deep comfort, which I think people in the midst of infertility need. Infertility comes in a variety of forms, but it is a deep and extended time of grief, and this book did not really address that grief or how to incorporate that grief into a Christian’s experience of knowing God.
Each chapter also opened with (what seemed like) a fictional couple as they journeyed through infertility. The illustration felt fictional since this couple struggled but then took the “right” steps each time that just happened to be what the author was going to encourage in that chapter. This illustration in each chapter felt forced and convenient. Even as the couple grieves, they do it “right.” So there was very little of the messy and complicated reactions/emotions/attitudes that infertility can give rise to. And then the fictional couple happily adopts at the end, and while the book isn’t about adoption, I was frustrated by how smooth an option this seemed to be without any reference, even in passing, to the issues that adoption forces a couple to grapple with.
Now, the foreword and the interview at the end seemed more authentic to me, and I did enjoy those — because they were written by people who have experienced infertility. They each had different experiences and arrived at different outcomes, but their stories resonated with me. And so I began to wonder if the author of this book has experienced infertility. The author never mentions any experience of infertility in his personal life. The interview at the end seems to be with the author’s brother and sister-in-law. I am guessing at this based on the names since this is never clarified. And so, while I don’t want to go so far as to say that someone who has not experienced infertility can’t write about it at all or has nothing to say to those in this trial, I do find it a bit off-putting that an author would write an entire book on this topic and not have experience of this grief in his personal life. I’m surmising here a bit, since the author never shared anything personal, but it was that very lack of personal experience or sharing that made the book feel distanced and a little clinical.
Infertility (and adoption) have been the key markers of my life in the last decade, and have deepened my faith in God and my love for the truths of Scripture especially as I sit under them each week in corporate worship. They have also brought me into a deeper experience of grief and understanding of suffering — and the resulting comfort of Christ as the One “acquainted with grief.” And so I came to this book hoping to find some of those issues addressed but left feeling disappointed by its somewhat detached and “here’s what you should do and think” tone.
But I also feel that this book lacks a tone of deep comfort, which I think people in the midst of infertility need. Infertility comes in a variety of forms, but it is a deep and extended time of grief, and this book did not really address that grief or how to incorporate that grief into a Christian’s experience of knowing God.
Each chapter also opened with (what seemed like) a fictional couple as they journeyed through infertility. The illustration felt fictional since this couple struggled but then took the “right” steps each time that just happened to be what the author was going to encourage in that chapter. This illustration in each chapter felt forced and convenient. Even as the couple grieves, they do it “right.” So there was very little of the messy and complicated reactions/emotions/attitudes that infertility can give rise to. And then the fictional couple happily adopts at the end, and while the book isn’t about adoption, I was frustrated by how smooth an option this seemed to be without any reference, even in passing, to the issues that adoption forces a couple to grapple with.
Now, the foreword and the interview at the end seemed more authentic to me, and I did enjoy those — because they were written by people who have experienced infertility. They each had different experiences and arrived at different outcomes, but their stories resonated with me. And so I began to wonder if the author of this book has experienced infertility. The author never mentions any experience of infertility in his personal life. The interview at the end seems to be with the author’s brother and sister-in-law. I am guessing at this based on the names since this is never clarified. And so, while I don’t want to go so far as to say that someone who has not experienced infertility can’t write about it at all or has nothing to say to those in this trial, I do find it a bit off-putting that an author would write an entire book on this topic and not have experience of this grief in his personal life. I’m surmising here a bit, since the author never shared anything personal, but it was that very lack of personal experience or sharing that made the book feel distanced and a little clinical.
Infertility (and adoption) have been the key markers of my life in the last decade, and have deepened my faith in God and my love for the truths of Scripture especially as I sit under them each week in corporate worship. They have also brought me into a deeper experience of grief and understanding of suffering — and the resulting comfort of Christ as the One “acquainted with grief.” And so I came to this book hoping to find some of those issues addressed but left feeling disappointed by its somewhat detached and “here’s what you should do and think” tone.
July 23, 2018
I really wanted to like this book. There are so few books that give both a caring and genuine effort to connect the Bible to infertility, and I was so hopeful that this book would be a helpful step in that direction. But this is not a book that I would give to couples struggling with infertility, and it’s not a book that I would give to people trying to help couples struggling with infertility.
SUMMARY REVIEW
There are certainly things to commend about the book: it is well written and short enough to read quickly and the pain of infertility is helpfully captured in parts. Arbo’s expertise is in ethics, and it shows in the well done chapter on the ethics of IUI and IVF, a topic that many Christians sadly and wrongly avoid. But Arbo’s book lacks a pastoral wisdom and biblical imagination cultivated by personal experience and the hard work of wrestling alongside couples struggling with infertility. In many ways, this book exemplifies the scripturally sound and genuinely loving friends whose care for my wife and I in our infertility and miscarriages was sometimes hurtful because of a stunted empathy and under-developed knowledge of a God who walks and even sits patiently with the lowly rather than running ahead of them, mildly irritated with how slow they are. In many ways, the book exemplifies the well-meaning but confused care that I offered my wife early in our struggles; attentive and earnest, but pressing for a not-so-subtle stoicism.
I want more books on a Christian perspective of infertility, so I’m hesitant to post a negative review like this. If more details on my perspective of the book are helpful, I provide them below. Otherwise I would simply commend the writing of Ed Welch on shame, Russell Moore on infertility and adoption and Clara Hinton on miscarriage and child loss, far more than Walking Through Infertility.
DETAILED REVIEW
There are four areas of concern that I have for the book; truths that become cliches, simplistic story-telling, unhelpful acknowledgements and the numerous commands given to infertile couples.
Throughout the book, beautiful biblical truths are asserted but not applied or given deeper treatment, and as such come across as cliche. Repeated declarations that life is found in God (p19, 24, 37, 39), statements like “You are God’s child” “You are a part of his family” and “God has not forgotten you” (p41) sound trite when little attempt is made to cross the emotional gulf between the statement and the experience of the childless. Simple reminders of truth give the appearance that what is wrong is nothing more than memory, as if mere intellectual prompts are the key for dealing with shame and grief. Such unapplied truths can actually have the unintended effect of ADDING to someone’s shame because that person feels like they are failing to follow God when they can’t get it together emotionally.
This issue with cliches is hammered home by simplistic story-telling. While the fictional story of John and Lizzy is engaging and believable, and demonstrates a caring grasp of the pain of infertile couples, it is difficult to believe that Arbo has engaged with real couples struggling with infertility, outside of his brother (whose happy-ending story is in the appendix) and Karen Swallow Prior (who wrote the forward, and has long had a strong acceptance of her story). Counseling numerous couples (formally or informally) who are at varied and volatile stages of wrestling with infertility must - I would think - produce more space and time for lament in someone’s story (p45), more care in speaking hard words about acceptance (p53), some acknowledgement of the lack of care many infertile couples experience at church (p62) and openness to the diverse and twisting paths couples take towards resolution that are rarely quick and happy (p63). Tim Keller said that “When you listen and read one thinker, you become a clone… two thinkers, you become confused… ten thinkers, you’ll begin developing your own voice… two or three hundred thinkers, you become wise and develop your voice.” The same concept applies to stories, and from my perspective, it’s hard to find evidence that Arbo deeply knows much more than two stories of infertility.
Arbo’s intention for the book is to be helpful and not hurting (p21). But in addition to the cliches and simplified story-telling, there are many qualifications and acknowledgments of hard truths that are intended to reassure and calm the broken reader’s heart, but that occur often enough to have the opposite effect. Qualifying hard statements and acknowledging the potential of pain - while unavoidable in a book about infertility - are not comforting when the qualification and acknowledgement is not followed by supportive, caring and extensive indicators of God’s heart toward the hurting. The frequency and nature of statements such as “This idea might not encourage the biologically infertile” (p39), “Accepting this truth is hard” (p55), “I am not in any way commending resignation” (p55) and “This doesn’t mean our pain and suffering will be less acute” (p69) don’t build confidence or trust in Arbo’s ability to do what he said he would do early in the book: “Fear not, I will do everything I can to avoid confusing you or deepening any of your already painful wounds… I did not write this book to rebuke you” (p21).
The fact is that it frequently appears that Arbo did write the book (at least in part) to rebuke the childless, even if it isn’t in a harsh manner. We are warned against feeling entitled to a gift (p53) and holding on too hard to the dream of a family (p57), we are cautioned against placing conditions on how God will use us (p57) and reminded to be content in God’s authority (p58). We are told that “in the midst of fear, embarrassment, anxiety, or shame” we are not to give in to the temptation to shield ourselves from the gaze and judgment of others at church (p70). Contrasts are made between spiritual responses and human responses that are so obvious as to appear rhetorical and shaming (p38, 46).
While every imperative Arbo brings to infertile couples is both necessary and clearly biblical, I am unconvinced that such writing adequately acknowledges that the almost constant fight against entitlement is sacred, that the teeth-gritting required for regular church attendance is sacred, that calling out “I believe, help my unbelief” in the midst of the dark vortex is sacred, all of it utterly sacred. Instead, such writing buys into the widespread but unacknowledged tendency to see God as a hard man (Matt. 25:24) whose hard commands are simply that, rather than the extension of a loving and tender heart which does not break bruised reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks (Isa. 42:3). Such writing also buys into the widespread but unacknowledged tendency to see suffering people as more tempted to sin than those who are not suffering, as if being in a house of mourning is to surround oneself in temptation. It’s not: the opposite is true (Ecc. 7:2-4).
For anyone struggling with infertility, knowing that God does not run ahead of us in life, irritated that we are slow to follow him, but is one who sits with us in our sadness and mourns with us in our losses is a kind of knowing that can make all the difference. As well-intentioned as Walking Through Infertility is, it fails to bring knowledge of that God to infertile couples.
SUMMARY REVIEW
There are certainly things to commend about the book: it is well written and short enough to read quickly and the pain of infertility is helpfully captured in parts. Arbo’s expertise is in ethics, and it shows in the well done chapter on the ethics of IUI and IVF, a topic that many Christians sadly and wrongly avoid. But Arbo’s book lacks a pastoral wisdom and biblical imagination cultivated by personal experience and the hard work of wrestling alongside couples struggling with infertility. In many ways, this book exemplifies the scripturally sound and genuinely loving friends whose care for my wife and I in our infertility and miscarriages was sometimes hurtful because of a stunted empathy and under-developed knowledge of a God who walks and even sits patiently with the lowly rather than running ahead of them, mildly irritated with how slow they are. In many ways, the book exemplifies the well-meaning but confused care that I offered my wife early in our struggles; attentive and earnest, but pressing for a not-so-subtle stoicism.
I want more books on a Christian perspective of infertility, so I’m hesitant to post a negative review like this. If more details on my perspective of the book are helpful, I provide them below. Otherwise I would simply commend the writing of Ed Welch on shame, Russell Moore on infertility and adoption and Clara Hinton on miscarriage and child loss, far more than Walking Through Infertility.
DETAILED REVIEW
There are four areas of concern that I have for the book; truths that become cliches, simplistic story-telling, unhelpful acknowledgements and the numerous commands given to infertile couples.
Throughout the book, beautiful biblical truths are asserted but not applied or given deeper treatment, and as such come across as cliche. Repeated declarations that life is found in God (p19, 24, 37, 39), statements like “You are God’s child” “You are a part of his family” and “God has not forgotten you” (p41) sound trite when little attempt is made to cross the emotional gulf between the statement and the experience of the childless. Simple reminders of truth give the appearance that what is wrong is nothing more than memory, as if mere intellectual prompts are the key for dealing with shame and grief. Such unapplied truths can actually have the unintended effect of ADDING to someone’s shame because that person feels like they are failing to follow God when they can’t get it together emotionally.
This issue with cliches is hammered home by simplistic story-telling. While the fictional story of John and Lizzy is engaging and believable, and demonstrates a caring grasp of the pain of infertile couples, it is difficult to believe that Arbo has engaged with real couples struggling with infertility, outside of his brother (whose happy-ending story is in the appendix) and Karen Swallow Prior (who wrote the forward, and has long had a strong acceptance of her story). Counseling numerous couples (formally or informally) who are at varied and volatile stages of wrestling with infertility must - I would think - produce more space and time for lament in someone’s story (p45), more care in speaking hard words about acceptance (p53), some acknowledgement of the lack of care many infertile couples experience at church (p62) and openness to the diverse and twisting paths couples take towards resolution that are rarely quick and happy (p63). Tim Keller said that “When you listen and read one thinker, you become a clone… two thinkers, you become confused… ten thinkers, you’ll begin developing your own voice… two or three hundred thinkers, you become wise and develop your voice.” The same concept applies to stories, and from my perspective, it’s hard to find evidence that Arbo deeply knows much more than two stories of infertility.
Arbo’s intention for the book is to be helpful and not hurting (p21). But in addition to the cliches and simplified story-telling, there are many qualifications and acknowledgments of hard truths that are intended to reassure and calm the broken reader’s heart, but that occur often enough to have the opposite effect. Qualifying hard statements and acknowledging the potential of pain - while unavoidable in a book about infertility - are not comforting when the qualification and acknowledgement is not followed by supportive, caring and extensive indicators of God’s heart toward the hurting. The frequency and nature of statements such as “This idea might not encourage the biologically infertile” (p39), “Accepting this truth is hard” (p55), “I am not in any way commending resignation” (p55) and “This doesn’t mean our pain and suffering will be less acute” (p69) don’t build confidence or trust in Arbo’s ability to do what he said he would do early in the book: “Fear not, I will do everything I can to avoid confusing you or deepening any of your already painful wounds… I did not write this book to rebuke you” (p21).
The fact is that it frequently appears that Arbo did write the book (at least in part) to rebuke the childless, even if it isn’t in a harsh manner. We are warned against feeling entitled to a gift (p53) and holding on too hard to the dream of a family (p57), we are cautioned against placing conditions on how God will use us (p57) and reminded to be content in God’s authority (p58). We are told that “in the midst of fear, embarrassment, anxiety, or shame” we are not to give in to the temptation to shield ourselves from the gaze and judgment of others at church (p70). Contrasts are made between spiritual responses and human responses that are so obvious as to appear rhetorical and shaming (p38, 46).
While every imperative Arbo brings to infertile couples is both necessary and clearly biblical, I am unconvinced that such writing adequately acknowledges that the almost constant fight against entitlement is sacred, that the teeth-gritting required for regular church attendance is sacred, that calling out “I believe, help my unbelief” in the midst of the dark vortex is sacred, all of it utterly sacred. Instead, such writing buys into the widespread but unacknowledged tendency to see God as a hard man (Matt. 25:24) whose hard commands are simply that, rather than the extension of a loving and tender heart which does not break bruised reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks (Isa. 42:3). Such writing also buys into the widespread but unacknowledged tendency to see suffering people as more tempted to sin than those who are not suffering, as if being in a house of mourning is to surround oneself in temptation. It’s not: the opposite is true (Ecc. 7:2-4).
For anyone struggling with infertility, knowing that God does not run ahead of us in life, irritated that we are slow to follow him, but is one who sits with us in our sadness and mourns with us in our losses is a kind of knowing that can make all the difference. As well-intentioned as Walking Through Infertility is, it fails to bring knowledge of that God to infertile couples.
January 1, 2026
I agree with other reviewers that this book lacks the comfort and counsel many who are “walking through infertility” seek. As someone feeling grief and deep sadness every month, I felt hurt by some of his thoughts. For example, his urging to “see childlessness as a gift”, to seek contentment through our higher calling of discipleship rather than having children, and to view having children as a “want” and not a “need”. I wish he covered more in depth how the church can walk alongside couples, giving examples of comforting words to say or verses of truth to ponder. The most helpful part of the book was the appendix where he and his wife give heartfelt answers to interview questions about their miscarriage and adoption story.
February 7, 2020
The last two chapters, and the interview in the appendix are the most valuable parts of the book. They discuss dealing with infertility alongside a church family, and a moral/ethical understanding of fertility treatments. One of the shortcomings of the book is that there is nothing acknowledged about male infertility.
July 4, 2023
A short but gospel centered book. I was looking for practical advice, but it didn’t have much in the way of how to encourage infertile couples. Chapter 4 was fascinating (it was a moral appraisal of infertility treatments).
July 22, 2020
I picked up this book hoping that it would be a book that filled a seeming gap in the literature--a Christian take on the morally-questionable topics in infertility. It started promising but failed to live up to what I had hoped. Maybe it had sit on my bedside table for too long and built up unreasonable expectations. Regardless, it missed the mark of what I was looking for.
The first couple of chapters cover general topics and attempt to connect them to infertility. While I appreciated the understanding that infertility exists within a larger experience--of God's grace and of Church body and family--the connection seemed tangential and added as a postscript. That diminished the sense of care for the reader--as if the author wrote a general take on a topic and could have added a connection to any other life situation.
The last chapter was built up as what I was looking forward to--a moral take on several of the issues related to infertility. In reality, it was more of a caution against IVF. The author did not attempt to address both sides of the morality question. Although he tried to make the topic accessible, it seems that he did so only by not addressing several tough questions. He made several assumptions throughout the chapter instead of presenting arguments on both sides and allowing readers to consider the options. This came across as incredibly condescending and insensitive in a book otherwise designed to help people in sensitive situations. I liked that he brought up a couple of issues that I had not thought about, but he failed to address several large topics and hurt his argument.
In sum, I found that the first three chapters gave voice to a few issues that couples facing infertility might face. The "story" at the beginning of each chapter was not very relatable, but it provided an opening for the topic that would be covered. (Not everything works out as it "should.") Reading some of my thoughts and feelings on paper was helpful. But I would not recommend the fourth chapter as a broad take on morality issues. Instead, approach it as part of one person's opinion on the topic--and look for the unwritten assumptions.
I appreciate that the author considers more than the issues related to infertility treatments--those treatments exist within the context of real life and relationships. However, a broader take on the Biblical, theological, and moral issues related to infertility treatments would be helpful. This is not that book.
The first couple of chapters cover general topics and attempt to connect them to infertility. While I appreciated the understanding that infertility exists within a larger experience--of God's grace and of Church body and family--the connection seemed tangential and added as a postscript. That diminished the sense of care for the reader--as if the author wrote a general take on a topic and could have added a connection to any other life situation.
The last chapter was built up as what I was looking forward to--a moral take on several of the issues related to infertility. In reality, it was more of a caution against IVF. The author did not attempt to address both sides of the morality question. Although he tried to make the topic accessible, it seems that he did so only by not addressing several tough questions. He made several assumptions throughout the chapter instead of presenting arguments on both sides and allowing readers to consider the options. This came across as incredibly condescending and insensitive in a book otherwise designed to help people in sensitive situations. I liked that he brought up a couple of issues that I had not thought about, but he failed to address several large topics and hurt his argument.
In sum, I found that the first three chapters gave voice to a few issues that couples facing infertility might face. The "story" at the beginning of each chapter was not very relatable, but it provided an opening for the topic that would be covered. (Not everything works out as it "should.") Reading some of my thoughts and feelings on paper was helpful. But I would not recommend the fourth chapter as a broad take on morality issues. Instead, approach it as part of one person's opinion on the topic--and look for the unwritten assumptions.
I appreciate that the author considers more than the issues related to infertility treatments--those treatments exist within the context of real life and relationships. However, a broader take on the Biblical, theological, and moral issues related to infertility treatments would be helpful. This is not that book.
October 12, 2025
This is only the second book I have read about infertility, and this one was specifically about infertility, where the other one was more on childlessness.
We are 6 years into our journey of infertility so this book hit me differently than it would have if I had read it earlier. I felt like it was helpful and pastoral. I wasn’t reading it for advice, but I was encouraged as I read it, particularly the chapter on “Stories of Infertility and God’s Abiding Promise” and Christian Discipleship and Human Affection.” Both chapters were packed full of scripture and focused on the Lord amidst suffering.
“Yet, difficult as this idea ‘childlessness as calling,” may be for some, it is nevertheless a fruitful way of understanding infertility. Just as the single person can participate in God's mission differently from the married person, so too can the childless couple participate differently in God's mission than couples with children. Thinking of childlessness not as a reproach but as a calling frees disciples to discern how they are to participate in God's mission on the terms God has set” (P 54-55).
Overall, I would recommend it to those suffering from infertility and those who want to know how to care for someone who struggles with it.
We are 6 years into our journey of infertility so this book hit me differently than it would have if I had read it earlier. I felt like it was helpful and pastoral. I wasn’t reading it for advice, but I was encouraged as I read it, particularly the chapter on “Stories of Infertility and God’s Abiding Promise” and Christian Discipleship and Human Affection.” Both chapters were packed full of scripture and focused on the Lord amidst suffering.
“Yet, difficult as this idea ‘childlessness as calling,” may be for some, it is nevertheless a fruitful way of understanding infertility. Just as the single person can participate in God's mission differently from the married person, so too can the childless couple participate differently in God's mission than couples with children. Thinking of childlessness not as a reproach but as a calling frees disciples to discern how they are to participate in God's mission on the terms God has set” (P 54-55).
Overall, I would recommend it to those suffering from infertility and those who want to know how to care for someone who struggles with it.
May 27, 2025
(Rating: 3.5)
I read the chapter on infertility treatments a couple months ago, but I just read the whole thing from start to finish. The chapter I read initially on reproductive ethics is the best part of the book. That’s Arbo at his best. And I quote the chapter favorably in a forthcoming article (“Should Christians Practice Surrogacy?”).
The book as a whole, however, lacks certain pastoral qualities. The biblical and theological material is often true but trite. And the rhetorical device of a fictional couple walking through infertility wasn’t very effective. This isn’t a biblical counseling book, but that’s one of my least favorite things about the genre: the fictional character-of-someone-struggling-with-this-issue-that-you-might-relate-to-trope.
It’s still a helpful volume, and Arbo is clearly a good thinker. The emphasis on the church is excellent. The idea that being a childless couple is as much a calling as singleness is a gem—a serious encouragement worth contemplating. And I commend him for taking up the complex, controversial, and sensitive topic of infertility.
I read the chapter on infertility treatments a couple months ago, but I just read the whole thing from start to finish. The chapter I read initially on reproductive ethics is the best part of the book. That’s Arbo at his best. And I quote the chapter favorably in a forthcoming article (“Should Christians Practice Surrogacy?”).
The book as a whole, however, lacks certain pastoral qualities. The biblical and theological material is often true but trite. And the rhetorical device of a fictional couple walking through infertility wasn’t very effective. This isn’t a biblical counseling book, but that’s one of my least favorite things about the genre: the fictional character-of-someone-struggling-with-this-issue-that-you-might-relate-to-trope.
It’s still a helpful volume, and Arbo is clearly a good thinker. The emphasis on the church is excellent. The idea that being a childless couple is as much a calling as singleness is a gem—a serious encouragement worth contemplating. And I commend him for taking up the complex, controversial, and sensitive topic of infertility.
February 27, 2024
Lots of hard truths about the ethics/theology of fertility treatments in the back half of this book. I really appreciate that the author is speaking out about these things and encouraging readers to consider the implications of their choices. But the book lacks a softness in tone that I think would be necessary for its message to meet the reader.
I would encourage people to read this BEFORE they even try to have kids and before they have the opportunity to experience infertility. It would help you determine what are appropriate measures to take long before any emotions are involved.
I would encourage people to read this BEFORE they even try to have kids and before they have the opportunity to experience infertility. It would help you determine what are appropriate measures to take long before any emotions are involved.
September 23, 2023
I think this book tried to cover too many topics, none of them deeply enough. Parts felt trite or overly simplistic, and while I agree with many of the author’s conclusions, they were not argued clearly or convincingly. Overall maybe not a bad thing to read, but not one I’d recommend either.
June 2, 2019
The foreword to this book is a gift. I could have read Karen Swallow Prior’s reflections for dozens more pages, and I expect I’ll return to her words time and time again along the road of infertility.
Likewise, the author’s exegesis of Old Testament passages dealing with infertility was unique and excellent. Many Christians have used these stories out of context to offer comfort of a supposed promise that God always “opens the womb” and grants children to his faithful who ask him for them. The clarification of the old covenant’s particular applications to bloodlines and physical children, compared to the new covenant that promises our deepest desires fulfilled ultimately in the person of Christ, was very helpful.
These two sections aside, this book was incredibly disappointing. Its chapter structure felt formulaic, the tale of “John and Lizzy’s” infertility woven throughout felt fake and idealized, and the comfort the book sought to offer felt shallow and impersonal. It was obvious that this book was written by someone who hasn’t faced infertility personally, which creates a distance that is too great to bridge with even his best intentions.
I was particularly disappointed that early in the book, the author alludes to offering a detailed guide through fertility treatments and their ethical/biblical implications, only to find that he shallowly references IUI in a paragraph or two before mechanically reviewing IVF in a section riddled with hard-line rules that are not clearly explained.
For example, he states that any couple considering IVF must reckon with its evil history in many terminated embryos through its R&D. He then goes on to say that couples may decide to do IVF, but they absolutely can fertilize only one embryo at a time. What about couples open to twins or triplets? And how do we get past the dark history he first mentions anyway?
I passionately agree with his convictions about the sanctity of life and taking a very conservative approach to IVF, if pursuing it at all; however, it seems his specific, personal convictions (again, these being clearly untested by personal situations and discernment in his own life) have been extrapolated to apply broadly to all others, even though his particular opinions do not necessarily come from clear biblical truth. I found his argument (mandate may a better word) that every couple with “extra” frozen embryos must bear the children themselves, then put them up for adoption—rather than allowing a surrogate pregnancy or embryo adoption by another—particularly strange and unhelpful.
The book ends abruptly and carelessly after the IVF chapter, without offering further comfort or care for those in the throes of this painful journey. Overall, it felt thrown-together and poorly edited, well-intended but insensitive and ineffective in its impact to the reader.
For Christian couples seeking faithful, Bible-rooted wisdom about the painful struggle of infertility, I would recommend finding a different resource to equip you in your journey.
Likewise, the author’s exegesis of Old Testament passages dealing with infertility was unique and excellent. Many Christians have used these stories out of context to offer comfort of a supposed promise that God always “opens the womb” and grants children to his faithful who ask him for them. The clarification of the old covenant’s particular applications to bloodlines and physical children, compared to the new covenant that promises our deepest desires fulfilled ultimately in the person of Christ, was very helpful.
These two sections aside, this book was incredibly disappointing. Its chapter structure felt formulaic, the tale of “John and Lizzy’s” infertility woven throughout felt fake and idealized, and the comfort the book sought to offer felt shallow and impersonal. It was obvious that this book was written by someone who hasn’t faced infertility personally, which creates a distance that is too great to bridge with even his best intentions.
I was particularly disappointed that early in the book, the author alludes to offering a detailed guide through fertility treatments and their ethical/biblical implications, only to find that he shallowly references IUI in a paragraph or two before mechanically reviewing IVF in a section riddled with hard-line rules that are not clearly explained.
For example, he states that any couple considering IVF must reckon with its evil history in many terminated embryos through its R&D. He then goes on to say that couples may decide to do IVF, but they absolutely can fertilize only one embryo at a time. What about couples open to twins or triplets? And how do we get past the dark history he first mentions anyway?
I passionately agree with his convictions about the sanctity of life and taking a very conservative approach to IVF, if pursuing it at all; however, it seems his specific, personal convictions (again, these being clearly untested by personal situations and discernment in his own life) have been extrapolated to apply broadly to all others, even though his particular opinions do not necessarily come from clear biblical truth. I found his argument (mandate may a better word) that every couple with “extra” frozen embryos must bear the children themselves, then put them up for adoption—rather than allowing a surrogate pregnancy or embryo adoption by another—particularly strange and unhelpful.
The book ends abruptly and carelessly after the IVF chapter, without offering further comfort or care for those in the throes of this painful journey. Overall, it felt thrown-together and poorly edited, well-intended but insensitive and ineffective in its impact to the reader.
For Christian couples seeking faithful, Bible-rooted wisdom about the painful struggle of infertility, I would recommend finding a different resource to equip you in your journey.
October 10, 2018
Originally posted with Letter & Liturgy https://letterandliturgy.com/2018/10/...
Shared experiences are the foundation for empathy, care, and comfort. When Paul desires to comfort the Corinthians he reminds them that experiencing God’s comfort allows one to become a vessel of comfort to others, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all comfort, who comforts us is all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves have been comforted” (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
In Walking through Infertility, Matthew Arbo, assistant professor of theological studies and director of the Center for Faith and Public Life at Oklahoma Baptist University, has shared the experiences and comfort of Patrick and Jennifer Arbo. By telling their story Arbo offers comfort to readers who might be struggling in their own season of infertility and equips readers to love, pastor, and care for couples longing for a child.
Central to Arbo’s counsel are the certain promises and presence of God. “The Creator and Redeemer of life has not forsaken the infertile but has instead given them a slightly different way of being a family, and thus of participating in the life and mission of God.” (20)
By surveying stories of infertility in the Scriptures, Arbo reminds readers that God is the giver of life. Couples struggling to get pregnant are free of guilt—they are not violating God’s creation mandate or being judged by God. Having children Abro writes is a “good thing to do, rather than an obligatory thing to do. No one is displeasing God by being unable to conceive.” (29) The biblical stories of infertility show that God’s covenantal presence is with the infertile. God has not looked away from the infertile, but has simply given them a different way of being a family to participate in God’s mission.
With theological reflections on discipleship, mission, and the church Arbo reminds readers that as Christians we are first and foremost followers of the Lord Jesus. Christians are to die to themselves and follow Christ by obeying his commands and joining in his mission. The family, then, is not ultimate. Rather, all disciples of Jesus are to obey God and participate in his mission whether married or single, fertile or infertile. The Lord in his wisdom calls his disciples in different ways. Like Paul’s reminder about singles in 1 Corinthians 7, so childless families have a particular call and can participate in God’s mission in ways that a family of five cannot.
As disciples of Jesus, the infertile always have a family to which they belong. God’s people in covenant community together, on mission together, under the Lordship of Jesus together, are a family who walk through infertility together. They weep when couples weep; they sit silently when words are too much and thus not enough, and when the pain of miscarriage shuts couples in for a season the church comes to them.
As Arbo tells the story of Patrick and Jennifer mourning their miscarriage, he also tells the story of the church who cared for them. This story teaches readers how to care for the hurting in ways that formal didactic instruction could not. As Arbo simply reminds readers, “When [Jennifer and Patrick] hurt, the body hurt. They were the wound the body attended to.” (62) Readers who have experienced infertility and miscarriage will deeply resonate with how the church comforted the Arbos. No doubt, they will be able to smell the dinners brought to their door, feel the embraces on their couch, and hear the intercessory prayers in their ears. It was chapter three: the vitality and consolation of the church, that was the most difficult to finish. I remembered the pain of infertility and miscarriage, but also graciously remembered my local church, who loved and cared for me.
For four years my wife and I attempted to get pregnant with no success. The only positive test we saw was after the realization that my wife had unfortunately miscarried. To see a positive result under those circumstances was painful. During those four years we adopted a little boy out of foster care and were growing content with the way God had made us a family. It was just a few months ago that we learned that my wife was pregnant again, but I confess that the miscarriage still causes me pain and a fear that this too will not ultimately work out. My experience wasn’t as painful as some of my other dear friends, many of whom are still waiting. I pray that I can be a vessel of comfort to them the way that God has comforted me by his grace, through his church, and through Arbo’s new book.
Arbo concludes Walking through Infertility with an analysis of common infertility treatments. He examines the ethical implications of intrauterine insemination, in-vitro fertilization, and surrogacy. Important to Arbo’s analysis is the difference between expectation and consequences. He writes, “The moral tension…is the mismatch, common to human experience, between expectations obtaining prior to an action and consequences brought by that action.” (87) Although this review is not the place to discuss Arbo’s particular conclusions, it needs to said that given the brevity and clarity which they are presented and the increasing number of couples facing such questions, pastors and church leaders should not miss the opportunity to let Arbo help navigate them through these dilemmas.
I found Arbo’s positions to be mostly persuasive. I can’t interact with IUI, IVF, and surrogacy in this brief review. However, I want to discuss IVF briefly, given that in my experience, the infertile couples I know have considered this particular route. I agree that Christians should think seriously about whether the relationship between sex and procreation is a sacred part of God’s design. Procreation is not merely a clinical matter. The high expense of IVF likewise makes me suspicious that such money would be more wisely spent pursuing an adoption. With these considerations and the added risk of clinical implantation, I would counsel against IVF (graciously). Ultimately, Arbo concludes, “If you are contemplating IVF, I pray you take seriously the risks involved and elect to forgo it…” (93)
Arbo communicates all his ethical instruction with love, grace, and compassion. He’s not out to shame readers who have come to different conclusions. Walking through Infertility treats a painful topic with a pastoral heart. Arbo, an ethics professor with a PhD from the University of Edinburgh, spares readers from lengthy footnotes, charts, data, and academic dullness, and instead offers up a clearly written, theologically robust, and pastorally helpful book.
By telling Patrick and Jennifer’s painful story and the comfort God provided for them, Arbo has turned them into vessels of comfort for all those who are struggling with infertility. By sharing how they leaned on the grace of God and the “thereness” of the church, Arbo, to borrow Paul’s words, allows readers to be comforted with the comfort which they themselves have been comforted.
Shared experiences are the foundation for empathy, care, and comfort. When Paul desires to comfort the Corinthians he reminds them that experiencing God’s comfort allows one to become a vessel of comfort to others, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all comfort, who comforts us is all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves have been comforted” (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
In Walking through Infertility, Matthew Arbo, assistant professor of theological studies and director of the Center for Faith and Public Life at Oklahoma Baptist University, has shared the experiences and comfort of Patrick and Jennifer Arbo. By telling their story Arbo offers comfort to readers who might be struggling in their own season of infertility and equips readers to love, pastor, and care for couples longing for a child.
Central to Arbo’s counsel are the certain promises and presence of God. “The Creator and Redeemer of life has not forsaken the infertile but has instead given them a slightly different way of being a family, and thus of participating in the life and mission of God.” (20)
By surveying stories of infertility in the Scriptures, Arbo reminds readers that God is the giver of life. Couples struggling to get pregnant are free of guilt—they are not violating God’s creation mandate or being judged by God. Having children Abro writes is a “good thing to do, rather than an obligatory thing to do. No one is displeasing God by being unable to conceive.” (29) The biblical stories of infertility show that God’s covenantal presence is with the infertile. God has not looked away from the infertile, but has simply given them a different way of being a family to participate in God’s mission.
With theological reflections on discipleship, mission, and the church Arbo reminds readers that as Christians we are first and foremost followers of the Lord Jesus. Christians are to die to themselves and follow Christ by obeying his commands and joining in his mission. The family, then, is not ultimate. Rather, all disciples of Jesus are to obey God and participate in his mission whether married or single, fertile or infertile. The Lord in his wisdom calls his disciples in different ways. Like Paul’s reminder about singles in 1 Corinthians 7, so childless families have a particular call and can participate in God’s mission in ways that a family of five cannot.
As disciples of Jesus, the infertile always have a family to which they belong. God’s people in covenant community together, on mission together, under the Lordship of Jesus together, are a family who walk through infertility together. They weep when couples weep; they sit silently when words are too much and thus not enough, and when the pain of miscarriage shuts couples in for a season the church comes to them.
As Arbo tells the story of Patrick and Jennifer mourning their miscarriage, he also tells the story of the church who cared for them. This story teaches readers how to care for the hurting in ways that formal didactic instruction could not. As Arbo simply reminds readers, “When [Jennifer and Patrick] hurt, the body hurt. They were the wound the body attended to.” (62) Readers who have experienced infertility and miscarriage will deeply resonate with how the church comforted the Arbos. No doubt, they will be able to smell the dinners brought to their door, feel the embraces on their couch, and hear the intercessory prayers in their ears. It was chapter three: the vitality and consolation of the church, that was the most difficult to finish. I remembered the pain of infertility and miscarriage, but also graciously remembered my local church, who loved and cared for me.
For four years my wife and I attempted to get pregnant with no success. The only positive test we saw was after the realization that my wife had unfortunately miscarried. To see a positive result under those circumstances was painful. During those four years we adopted a little boy out of foster care and were growing content with the way God had made us a family. It was just a few months ago that we learned that my wife was pregnant again, but I confess that the miscarriage still causes me pain and a fear that this too will not ultimately work out. My experience wasn’t as painful as some of my other dear friends, many of whom are still waiting. I pray that I can be a vessel of comfort to them the way that God has comforted me by his grace, through his church, and through Arbo’s new book.
Arbo concludes Walking through Infertility with an analysis of common infertility treatments. He examines the ethical implications of intrauterine insemination, in-vitro fertilization, and surrogacy. Important to Arbo’s analysis is the difference between expectation and consequences. He writes, “The moral tension…is the mismatch, common to human experience, between expectations obtaining prior to an action and consequences brought by that action.” (87) Although this review is not the place to discuss Arbo’s particular conclusions, it needs to said that given the brevity and clarity which they are presented and the increasing number of couples facing such questions, pastors and church leaders should not miss the opportunity to let Arbo help navigate them through these dilemmas.
I found Arbo’s positions to be mostly persuasive. I can’t interact with IUI, IVF, and surrogacy in this brief review. However, I want to discuss IVF briefly, given that in my experience, the infertile couples I know have considered this particular route. I agree that Christians should think seriously about whether the relationship between sex and procreation is a sacred part of God’s design. Procreation is not merely a clinical matter. The high expense of IVF likewise makes me suspicious that such money would be more wisely spent pursuing an adoption. With these considerations and the added risk of clinical implantation, I would counsel against IVF (graciously). Ultimately, Arbo concludes, “If you are contemplating IVF, I pray you take seriously the risks involved and elect to forgo it…” (93)
Arbo communicates all his ethical instruction with love, grace, and compassion. He’s not out to shame readers who have come to different conclusions. Walking through Infertility treats a painful topic with a pastoral heart. Arbo, an ethics professor with a PhD from the University of Edinburgh, spares readers from lengthy footnotes, charts, data, and academic dullness, and instead offers up a clearly written, theologically robust, and pastorally helpful book.
By telling Patrick and Jennifer’s painful story and the comfort God provided for them, Arbo has turned them into vessels of comfort for all those who are struggling with infertility. By sharing how they leaned on the grace of God and the “thereness” of the church, Arbo, to borrow Paul’s words, allows readers to be comforted with the comfort which they themselves have been comforted.
August 12, 2018
Not totally helpful. Seemed like the author was writing the book simply to write the book and that he lacked personal experience with the topic (until the epilogue in his interview with a family member who had dealt with infertility).
June 16, 2024
I will give a disclaimer with this: I am a therapist who works with lots of families experiencing infertility and child loss/miscarriage/stillbirth and have additionally worked in a women’s hospital, many child welfare settings, and a for-profit adoption agency. Having been in this arena for several years, I’ve seen every single thing you can imagine with infertility, adoption, foster care, trauma, etc. Additionally, I hold nuanced and probably more conservative-leaning views on the topics in this book (birth control, adoption, ARTs, etc.)
I did not agree with this author on many takes, and I don’t think that the author has a writing style conducive to a nuanced and helpful discussion on the topic. This book definitely did not feel like a comforting book for a couple wrestling with infertility or even a very good guide for someone walking with those experiencing it. The only reason it does not get one star is the interview at the end and SOME of the ethical reasoning cautioning Christian couples around certain ARTs.
I believe that, as a whole, this author was clearly trying to counsel people to one belief on each topic he presented. He was also clearly being forceful and commanding with his views on how infertile couples are supposed to live their lives. You could feel it throughout the entirety of the book, and it greatly colors some of the perspectives given here. Additionally, this book was not marketed as an ethics textbook to Christian couples who experience infertility and their loved ones. Rather, it’s touted as a book that “overflows with warmth and sensitivity” on this topic. And, boy, let me tell you - this book was missing that warmth big time.
In regard to the topic of adoption in the face of infertility - not everyone is capable of and equipped to adopt a child. It is not easy, and there are many things that you need to consider before doing so. I have seen several adopted children “given up” because of their biological difficulties that their adopted parents were not willing to take on, and it is devastating and life-ruining for these children. There are many other pieces of literature that I’d turn to and allow to inform my view of adoption, foster care, etc. before I’d argue for this author’s push that all couples who are infertile should adopt children.
Overall, I’d say to not read this book. If you are someone who is experiencing infertility and someone who cares for those experiencing it, I’d recommend that you skip out on reading this. The likelihood that it will help you is low, and there is better content out there for you. Please know that God loves you and deeply values you, no matter what your contribution to the kingdom of God looks like as a parent - spiritual or otherwise.
I did not agree with this author on many takes, and I don’t think that the author has a writing style conducive to a nuanced and helpful discussion on the topic. This book definitely did not feel like a comforting book for a couple wrestling with infertility or even a very good guide for someone walking with those experiencing it. The only reason it does not get one star is the interview at the end and SOME of the ethical reasoning cautioning Christian couples around certain ARTs.
I believe that, as a whole, this author was clearly trying to counsel people to one belief on each topic he presented. He was also clearly being forceful and commanding with his views on how infertile couples are supposed to live their lives. You could feel it throughout the entirety of the book, and it greatly colors some of the perspectives given here. Additionally, this book was not marketed as an ethics textbook to Christian couples who experience infertility and their loved ones. Rather, it’s touted as a book that “overflows with warmth and sensitivity” on this topic. And, boy, let me tell you - this book was missing that warmth big time.
In regard to the topic of adoption in the face of infertility - not everyone is capable of and equipped to adopt a child. It is not easy, and there are many things that you need to consider before doing so. I have seen several adopted children “given up” because of their biological difficulties that their adopted parents were not willing to take on, and it is devastating and life-ruining for these children. There are many other pieces of literature that I’d turn to and allow to inform my view of adoption, foster care, etc. before I’d argue for this author’s push that all couples who are infertile should adopt children.
Overall, I’d say to not read this book. If you are someone who is experiencing infertility and someone who cares for those experiencing it, I’d recommend that you skip out on reading this. The likelihood that it will help you is low, and there is better content out there for you. Please know that God loves you and deeply values you, no matter what your contribution to the kingdom of God looks like as a parent - spiritual or otherwise.
July 1, 2022
I’m struggling to know what to say about this — not because our infertility is a secret or because I find it difficult to share about my own experience. What’s hard is to speak about it in a way that doesn’t project my experience onto others. And infertility is such a personal thing, so I want to be careful. Having said that, as someone who has been walking through infertility for nine years, I appreciated this book. It’s not perfect, but there’s a lot to offer whether this road is familiar to you or not.
Here is the theme reiterated throughout the book: “The Creator and Redeemer of life has not forsaken the infertile but has instead given them a slightly different way of being a family, and thus of participating in the life and mission of God.” What hopeful words! For the Christian, the most important thing about us is that we are disciples of Jesus Christ. We are first and foremost His followers, whether we are married or single, widowed or divorced, parents or childless. To be married and to have children are gifts, not entitlements. However, we can inadvertently communicate that marriage and parenthood are the highest callings rather than keeping central our calling to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel, content in whatever circumstances we are in. If we aren’t careful, our words can stir up discontentment in the hearts of struggling brothers and sisters, even if that isn’t our intention. I liked how this book addressed these things, as they reflect my personal experience and articulate things I wish more people understood.
There are different ways to respond to infertility. Some seek medical intervention (a topic that is helpfully addressed in this book). Some pursue adoption. Some choose to see their childlessness as a calling in and of itself. In any case, it is important to know that God has not forgotten you; that your identity is in Christ; that the Holy Spirit is near to give you wisdom, perseverance, and contentment; and that you must lean on your church family. Infertility is unquestionably hard, but it does not have to be hopeless.
Here is the theme reiterated throughout the book: “The Creator and Redeemer of life has not forsaken the infertile but has instead given them a slightly different way of being a family, and thus of participating in the life and mission of God.” What hopeful words! For the Christian, the most important thing about us is that we are disciples of Jesus Christ. We are first and foremost His followers, whether we are married or single, widowed or divorced, parents or childless. To be married and to have children are gifts, not entitlements. However, we can inadvertently communicate that marriage and parenthood are the highest callings rather than keeping central our calling to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel, content in whatever circumstances we are in. If we aren’t careful, our words can stir up discontentment in the hearts of struggling brothers and sisters, even if that isn’t our intention. I liked how this book addressed these things, as they reflect my personal experience and articulate things I wish more people understood.
There are different ways to respond to infertility. Some seek medical intervention (a topic that is helpfully addressed in this book). Some pursue adoption. Some choose to see their childlessness as a calling in and of itself. In any case, it is important to know that God has not forgotten you; that your identity is in Christ; that the Holy Spirit is near to give you wisdom, perseverance, and contentment; and that you must lean on your church family. Infertility is unquestionably hard, but it does not have to be hopeless.
March 3, 2022
I give this book 3 stars because while it does accomplish what it set out to do, it was lacking significantly in areas.
It did indeed give biblical, theological, and moral counsel for those going through infertility. So it accomplished that.
But on the back it describes “sensitivity” and “warmth,” and that is what I don’t think it really accomplishes.
If you are looking for a book to comfort you during infertility, this is probably not it. I’d recommend something more about who Christ is in our suffering and weariness, such as “Gentle & Lowly” by Dane Ortlund, or something of the like.
I believe this book is good for pastors, people who may counsel the “infertile,” those who are about to try to get pregnant and would maybe like to prepare themselves, and those who really have finally “accepted their lot.” I do not recommend this for people who are really in the thick of it. It will probably make all the emotions even worse.
I say that because he gives more textbook type responses - such as statistics, mild descriptions of miscarriage and still born birth, etc. which I do not believe is helpful in those moments.
However, the things he says are good & right. There are moments of random sweet reminders through out it that are little nuggets of hope. This is the truth, but maybe for someone who is counseling someone in the thick of it so they could possibly lessen the blow of hearing “are you desiring a child more than God?” (When desiring children is good and normative.)
This book could have been much better.
It did indeed give biblical, theological, and moral counsel for those going through infertility. So it accomplished that.
But on the back it describes “sensitivity” and “warmth,” and that is what I don’t think it really accomplishes.
If you are looking for a book to comfort you during infertility, this is probably not it. I’d recommend something more about who Christ is in our suffering and weariness, such as “Gentle & Lowly” by Dane Ortlund, or something of the like.
I believe this book is good for pastors, people who may counsel the “infertile,” those who are about to try to get pregnant and would maybe like to prepare themselves, and those who really have finally “accepted their lot.” I do not recommend this for people who are really in the thick of it. It will probably make all the emotions even worse.
I say that because he gives more textbook type responses - such as statistics, mild descriptions of miscarriage and still born birth, etc. which I do not believe is helpful in those moments.
However, the things he says are good & right. There are moments of random sweet reminders through out it that are little nuggets of hope. This is the truth, but maybe for someone who is counseling someone in the thick of it so they could possibly lessen the blow of hearing “are you desiring a child more than God?” (When desiring children is good and normative.)
This book could have been much better.
January 4, 2023
3.5 stars.
A short, thought-provoking introduction to this topic.
Arno gives good treatment to the theme of barrennesss in Scripture, helping us to see how God’s covenant plan is fulfilled through childbearing both the OT and NT. He also writes clearly on the nature of Christian discipleship, and what it looks like to trust and wait on the Lord as we wrestle with unfulfilled hopes and expectations. This bit, and the section treating the role of church family in weeping with those who weep, was helpful, not just for issues of infertility but for the Christian in general. I appreciated the interview with the couple at the end and hearing what had been of help to them in their experience.
However, his discussion of different treatments was pretty one-sided and - more importantly - lacked a lot of Scriptural references. While I respect his argument, he appealed a lot to ethics and what is morally right, rather than making explicit links to the Bible to show us why he believes what he does. It’s good to read different opinions and have different things to consider, but there was a notable lack of Biblical material here.
Overall: a helpful starting point for thinking about the topic, some challenges to all Christians, and a reminder to rejoice that children are a good and precious gift from God.
A short, thought-provoking introduction to this topic.
Arno gives good treatment to the theme of barrennesss in Scripture, helping us to see how God’s covenant plan is fulfilled through childbearing both the OT and NT. He also writes clearly on the nature of Christian discipleship, and what it looks like to trust and wait on the Lord as we wrestle with unfulfilled hopes and expectations. This bit, and the section treating the role of church family in weeping with those who weep, was helpful, not just for issues of infertility but for the Christian in general. I appreciated the interview with the couple at the end and hearing what had been of help to them in their experience.
However, his discussion of different treatments was pretty one-sided and - more importantly - lacked a lot of Scriptural references. While I respect his argument, he appealed a lot to ethics and what is morally right, rather than making explicit links to the Bible to show us why he believes what he does. It’s good to read different opinions and have different things to consider, but there was a notable lack of Biblical material here.
Overall: a helpful starting point for thinking about the topic, some challenges to all Christians, and a reminder to rejoice that children are a good and precious gift from God.
April 29, 2025
This book was very timely in our own journey. I appreciate Arbo’s thoughtfulness as he approaches such a tender subject. It provided the hard, but necessary, truth that I needed to hear, even when I didn’t want it.
In his final chapter, “A Moral Appraisal of Infertility Treatment”, I do wish that he would have provided a sort of guide or rubric for lay Christians struggling with infertility to use in the midst of making medical decisions. What guiding truths should we use to base our decision-making on? How much treatment is too much? What warning signs should we watch out for?
I understand that it is difficult to give specific guidance in such an extensive topic.
All in all, I am thankful I read it and it was an immediate purchase for me. His guidance reminded me of biblical truth and pointed me back to God’s sovereignty. It also helped me to remember that the story of my life is just a small part of God’s Big Story for His Church.
In his final chapter, “A Moral Appraisal of Infertility Treatment”, I do wish that he would have provided a sort of guide or rubric for lay Christians struggling with infertility to use in the midst of making medical decisions. What guiding truths should we use to base our decision-making on? How much treatment is too much? What warning signs should we watch out for?
I understand that it is difficult to give specific guidance in such an extensive topic.
All in all, I am thankful I read it and it was an immediate purchase for me. His guidance reminded me of biblical truth and pointed me back to God’s sovereignty. It also helped me to remember that the story of my life is just a small part of God’s Big Story for His Church.
September 22, 2021
3.5??? Disclaimer: I have, nor my wife, struggled personally with infertility. This is a decent resource on infertility. I can’t exactly put my finger on what’s lacking. Arbo does some good things, but it feels a little rushed. He does the typical-start each chapter with a progressive narrative on a hypothetical/real couple-thing. Some might appreciate these sections. I’m kind of turned off by the approach. He addresses infertility from the perspective of discipleship and accounts childlessness to a calling. He ends the book by assessing the common ART’s. He does land hard on the ethics of IUI/IVF. I assume this will offend some. At this point, I would hand this resource off to a couple experiencing infertility with some reservation and interested in their feedback and perspective.
October 4, 2024
First off, this short book is full of measured and gracious pastoral wisdom. For such a sensitive topic the author handles it with love and depth. Since it is written for a popular audience a couple of the chapters (like the ones on discipleship and church life) might seem simplistic or repetitious, but for those struggling I can’t think of better ways to couch this topic. The last chapter, on a moral appraisal of infertility treatments is a bit uneven and at times replaces depth for bluntness, but then again there are no light moral issues.
August 19, 2025
This book was incredible. It helped me look at our situation from a perspective that I didn't see before. Although I didn't like the new perspective, it was one I had to consider and accept.
November 8, 2018
PROS: I enjoyed the real life accounts, including the interview at the end. I also like how the author spoke on infertility treatments in terms of God's plan for procreation and what it means from a moral perspective.
CONS: The first chapter shows several pages worth of examples of infertility shown in the Bible then proceeds to explain how the happy ending of pregnancy is unrelated to couples today. The author points out that the infertility was cured for a promise made to Abraham but we should also remember that our God is a loving father who enjoys blessing His children (Psalm 37). I felt that this section brought hope and instantly attempted to extinguish it when the reality is that hope still exists. I also felt this should have been written by someone who has experienced infertility themselves. I believe the author is a true lover of Christ but as a man, he lacks the sympathy a woman might otherwise have to comfort others. I also felt the author over-focused on the idea that a woman's desire to bare children is selfish or placing ourselves before God. What we need to remember is that desires are a gift from God, placed within us for a purpose to glorify Him. Of course the placement of those desires as an idol in our lives is wrong, but women shouldn't feel any more guilty about wanting children than a man who struggles to provide for his family. These gender roles are also a gift.
CONS: The first chapter shows several pages worth of examples of infertility shown in the Bible then proceeds to explain how the happy ending of pregnancy is unrelated to couples today. The author points out that the infertility was cured for a promise made to Abraham but we should also remember that our God is a loving father who enjoys blessing His children (Psalm 37). I felt that this section brought hope and instantly attempted to extinguish it when the reality is that hope still exists. I also felt this should have been written by someone who has experienced infertility themselves. I believe the author is a true lover of Christ but as a man, he lacks the sympathy a woman might otherwise have to comfort others. I also felt the author over-focused on the idea that a woman's desire to bare children is selfish or placing ourselves before God. What we need to remember is that desires are a gift from God, placed within us for a purpose to glorify Him. Of course the placement of those desires as an idol in our lives is wrong, but women shouldn't feel any more guilty about wanting children than a man who struggles to provide for his family. These gender roles are also a gift.
August 20, 2025
it’s just for school don’t read into this, good book. encouraging and helpful
February 5, 2019
I was drawn to read and review Walking Through Infertility: Biblical, Theological, and Moral Counsel For Those who are Struggling by Matthew Arbo because my wife and I have a number of friends who are experiencing infertility. Furthermore, for the short time that I have been in ministry, I have come to discover that this is not uncommon problem among God’s people.
The book is primarily written for couples who are not able to have their own biological children and secondarily for those who desire to minister to them. Its main purpose is “to address biblical, theological, and moral questions surrounding infertility. The aim is to instruct and inspire the church, especially, those couples with personal experience with infertility” (p. 21).
Walking Through Infertility is divided into four main chapters. The first chapter surveys the biblical stories of infertility and how God proved his faithfulness to his people. The second chapter focuses on following Christ despite the trial of not being able to have your own biological children. The third chapter centers on the church and how a childless couple can find help and comfort from fellow believers. The last chapter analyses various ethical and moral considerations regarding modern methods of helping infertile couples to conceive and give birth.
I would say that the book’s greatest strength lies in the last chapter. Arbo goes into detail to explain the modern reproductive technologies and the ethical dilemmas they pose to Christians. In as much as we should thank God for the advancements in modern medicine and medical innovations, we also need to be aware that not all of them are without moral quandaries. Arbo’s discussion of intrauterine insemination (IUI), intro vitro fertilization (IVF), and surrogacy is outstanding. I would greatly recommend any Christian who might have questions or considering these reproductive technologies to prayerfully read this section.
IUI involves a medical expert taking a man’s sperm and inserting it into a woman’s uterus during ovulation to increase chances of conception while IVF is very complex and involves a medical expert taking a man’s sperm and woman’s eggs and fertilizing them in a laboratory and later implanting the embryo in the woman’s uterus. Surrogacy entails a couple contracting with a woman to carry their biological child to term and surrender it back to them at birth. As you might see these methods raises a number of ethical and theological concerns. Should or can a Christian use any of these methods with a clear conscience?
Arbo does not leave the couple struggling with infertility to answer this question on their own. Instead he biblically and pastorally challenges them to consider whether the relation between conception and sex is sacred and the manner of procreation as designed by God is open to amendment? Towards the very end of the book, he encourages a couple experiencing infertility to consult, do the hard work of listening, thinking and praying for God’s wisdom. “Speak with others you trust—family, friends, pastors—and do the hard work of listening and thinking and praying. Wise is the one who heeds a sound word of instruction. In Christ are the riches of wisdom, and if anyone lacks wisdom, ‘let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him’ (James 1:5).”
This is why I say that the last chapter is the best part of the book. Not only because of its biblical and pastoral approach to these ethical issues but also because it explains very complex reproductive technologies in an easier to understand language for less scientifically sophisticated Christians like me.
Disclosure: Crossway has given me a courtesy copy of this book through their blog review program.
The book is primarily written for couples who are not able to have their own biological children and secondarily for those who desire to minister to them. Its main purpose is “to address biblical, theological, and moral questions surrounding infertility. The aim is to instruct and inspire the church, especially, those couples with personal experience with infertility” (p. 21).
Walking Through Infertility is divided into four main chapters. The first chapter surveys the biblical stories of infertility and how God proved his faithfulness to his people. The second chapter focuses on following Christ despite the trial of not being able to have your own biological children. The third chapter centers on the church and how a childless couple can find help and comfort from fellow believers. The last chapter analyses various ethical and moral considerations regarding modern methods of helping infertile couples to conceive and give birth.
I would say that the book’s greatest strength lies in the last chapter. Arbo goes into detail to explain the modern reproductive technologies and the ethical dilemmas they pose to Christians. In as much as we should thank God for the advancements in modern medicine and medical innovations, we also need to be aware that not all of them are without moral quandaries. Arbo’s discussion of intrauterine insemination (IUI), intro vitro fertilization (IVF), and surrogacy is outstanding. I would greatly recommend any Christian who might have questions or considering these reproductive technologies to prayerfully read this section.
IUI involves a medical expert taking a man’s sperm and inserting it into a woman’s uterus during ovulation to increase chances of conception while IVF is very complex and involves a medical expert taking a man’s sperm and woman’s eggs and fertilizing them in a laboratory and later implanting the embryo in the woman’s uterus. Surrogacy entails a couple contracting with a woman to carry their biological child to term and surrender it back to them at birth. As you might see these methods raises a number of ethical and theological concerns. Should or can a Christian use any of these methods with a clear conscience?
Arbo does not leave the couple struggling with infertility to answer this question on their own. Instead he biblically and pastorally challenges them to consider whether the relation between conception and sex is sacred and the manner of procreation as designed by God is open to amendment? Towards the very end of the book, he encourages a couple experiencing infertility to consult, do the hard work of listening, thinking and praying for God’s wisdom. “Speak with others you trust—family, friends, pastors—and do the hard work of listening and thinking and praying. Wise is the one who heeds a sound word of instruction. In Christ are the riches of wisdom, and if anyone lacks wisdom, ‘let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him’ (James 1:5).”
This is why I say that the last chapter is the best part of the book. Not only because of its biblical and pastoral approach to these ethical issues but also because it explains very complex reproductive technologies in an easier to understand language for less scientifically sophisticated Christians like me.
Disclosure: Crossway has given me a courtesy copy of this book through their blog review program.
September 1, 2018
In his 2018 book Walking Through Infertility, Matthew Arbo writes for couples struggling with infertility and for those who would desire to help them during this time--particularly during the early stages of grief. Arbo offers a gentle but firm account of a properly Christian response to infertility--namely, a disciple's call "to come and die" and an acquiescence to the sovereign rule of god.
I cannot speak from a firsthand perspective, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me if Arbo's mode of writing as often discouraged the struggling as encouraged. It could be that such discouragement is due to weakness or poor discipleship; nothing written was out and out false.
Perhaps this tightrope of "hard truth" and offense speaks to the inherent difficulty of writing a book of this nature (i.e., pastoral, counsel-ish), whose aim ought to be saved for in-person pastoral care. However, were Arbo writing for pastors and counselors for the purpose of training them for this kind of care, the project would have been fundamentally changed. As it stands, the book is adequate for its purpose, although I found myself wishing for more rigorous and detailed interpretations in the early chapters.
The book shifts away from this forthrightly pastoral perspective for its final chapter, which addresses three of the major "last-ditch efforts" for those attempting to overcome infertility: intrauterine insemination, in vitro fertilization, and surrogacy. Surrogacy Arbo dismisses completely as a moral option, and IUI and IVF are themselves highly problematic as far as Arbo is concerned. The change in tone is obvious, and, while the subject matter is clearly appropriate for the work, it lacked a smoothing-out. Moreover, again citing what I wish the book could have been, I wanted a more robustly theo-ethical account of the shortcomings of IUI, IVF, and surrogacy. For the intended audience, it was surely adequate in the context of further pastoral care.
Walking through Infertility would be a valuable work in the context of local church pastoring for couples who are in the throes of infertility. Read by a pastor or counselor and a couple, this book could open conversations, which could in turn provide an opportunity for healing.
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I received a complimentary edition of this work from Crossway in exchange for an honest review.
I cannot speak from a firsthand perspective, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me if Arbo's mode of writing as often discouraged the struggling as encouraged. It could be that such discouragement is due to weakness or poor discipleship; nothing written was out and out false.
Perhaps this tightrope of "hard truth" and offense speaks to the inherent difficulty of writing a book of this nature (i.e., pastoral, counsel-ish), whose aim ought to be saved for in-person pastoral care. However, were Arbo writing for pastors and counselors for the purpose of training them for this kind of care, the project would have been fundamentally changed. As it stands, the book is adequate for its purpose, although I found myself wishing for more rigorous and detailed interpretations in the early chapters.
The book shifts away from this forthrightly pastoral perspective for its final chapter, which addresses three of the major "last-ditch efforts" for those attempting to overcome infertility: intrauterine insemination, in vitro fertilization, and surrogacy. Surrogacy Arbo dismisses completely as a moral option, and IUI and IVF are themselves highly problematic as far as Arbo is concerned. The change in tone is obvious, and, while the subject matter is clearly appropriate for the work, it lacked a smoothing-out. Moreover, again citing what I wish the book could have been, I wanted a more robustly theo-ethical account of the shortcomings of IUI, IVF, and surrogacy. For the intended audience, it was surely adequate in the context of further pastoral care.
Walking through Infertility would be a valuable work in the context of local church pastoring for couples who are in the throes of infertility. Read by a pastor or counselor and a couple, this book could open conversations, which could in turn provide an opportunity for healing.
<><><>
I received a complimentary edition of this work from Crossway in exchange for an honest review.
June 8, 2023
In the words of Karen Swallow Prior (who wrote the foreword to this book), my husband and I have been called to childlessness. Between a medical condition that destroyed my ovaries months before our wedding, to ongoing medical and housing obstacles that God has not seen fit to remove, we are neither able to conceive nor able to pursue adoption. It is hard road to walk, not least because it often feels so alone. So I appreciated this book recommendation, and found comfort in its message that childlessness is not a judgment or punishment, but rather a different sort of calling. As the author repeats multiple times: “The Creator and Redeemer of life has not forsaken the infertile but has instead given them a slightly different way of being a family, and thus of participating in the life and mission of God.”
Some have mentioned that the book seemed lacking in warmth and comfort. I can see a basis for that, however it spoke strongly to me as a more logical / thinking-based female (rather than a heart-led, feelings-based personality). I appreciated the repeated reminders that we are not alone, that barrenness does not make me "less than" anyone else, and that God still has a purpose for me despite my lack of children. However, I was hoping for a little more... perhaps testimonies of others who are called to childlessness, and how God has worked good through their infertility.
The final chapter, an interview with a couple (who I assume are related to the author), was good but also hard for those of us who cannot pursue adoption. Thoughts about infertility that end with a continued hope for children are a bit off-putting, when you know God has clearly shut the door for you personally to have any. Still, I would recommend the book with that caveat to others. It might be encouraging to some who are either dealing with infertility themselves; but I believe it could truly shine as a resource for churches to know how to better support those couples.
Some have mentioned that the book seemed lacking in warmth and comfort. I can see a basis for that, however it spoke strongly to me as a more logical / thinking-based female (rather than a heart-led, feelings-based personality). I appreciated the repeated reminders that we are not alone, that barrenness does not make me "less than" anyone else, and that God still has a purpose for me despite my lack of children. However, I was hoping for a little more... perhaps testimonies of others who are called to childlessness, and how God has worked good through their infertility.
The final chapter, an interview with a couple (who I assume are related to the author), was good but also hard for those of us who cannot pursue adoption. Thoughts about infertility that end with a continued hope for children are a bit off-putting, when you know God has clearly shut the door for you personally to have any. Still, I would recommend the book with that caveat to others. It might be encouraging to some who are either dealing with infertility themselves; but I believe it could truly shine as a resource for churches to know how to better support those couples.
June 15, 2018
I received an early copy of this book from Crossway to review. It was a quick and insightful read and I really appreciated the thoughtful way God's word was used in the discussion. I myself have not experienced infertility but any Chrisitan who wants to better understand this subject in light of who God is and what he has done should read this book.
The book speaks about Christian Discipleship, which I was not expecting in a book on infertility. In light of the good news of the gospel though this makes perfect sense to be a topic that is covered and addressed. The author states that the ecclesial purpose for all believing couples, those with and those without children, is the same: LOVE GOD, LOVE ONE ANOTHER, MAKE KNOWN THE GOSPEL.
The gospel truths in this book were eyeopening. If you have children of your own or it is just you and your spouse, discipleship enables us to find our place in the world. Jesus wants us to do life with him but we must accept the terms of our existence that he sets. Our identity needs to be found in God, even parenthood with all the best of intentions can be made into an idol. We must be content in Christ’s authority and be ready to be used at his disposal for the good of his kingdom. Membership with Christ implies mission with Christ.
The final chapter of this book on the moral appraisal of fertility treatment was so informative and well written, it also discuss miscarriage and surrogacy. I never had given any thought to the moral ethics of fertility treatments like IUI and IVF. I wish I could go into all the details in this final chapter and for this information alone I would recommend purchasing a copy of Walking Through Infertility.
The book speaks about Christian Discipleship, which I was not expecting in a book on infertility. In light of the good news of the gospel though this makes perfect sense to be a topic that is covered and addressed. The author states that the ecclesial purpose for all believing couples, those with and those without children, is the same: LOVE GOD, LOVE ONE ANOTHER, MAKE KNOWN THE GOSPEL.
The gospel truths in this book were eyeopening. If you have children of your own or it is just you and your spouse, discipleship enables us to find our place in the world. Jesus wants us to do life with him but we must accept the terms of our existence that he sets. Our identity needs to be found in God, even parenthood with all the best of intentions can be made into an idol. We must be content in Christ’s authority and be ready to be used at his disposal for the good of his kingdom. Membership with Christ implies mission with Christ.
The final chapter of this book on the moral appraisal of fertility treatment was so informative and well written, it also discuss miscarriage and surrogacy. I never had given any thought to the moral ethics of fertility treatments like IUI and IVF. I wish I could go into all the details in this final chapter and for this information alone I would recommend purchasing a copy of Walking Through Infertility.
May 18, 2018
I received an advance copy of this book from Crossway and Net Galley.
You may not currently be facing infertility or be close to anyone who is. Or you may be in the midst of the devastation that is infertility. Either way: you need to read this book. Whether you have been given children or not, whether you are married or not, every believer would do well to read this book.
The book begins with examples of infertility in the Bible. These accounts are presented sympathetically and with great wisdom. We are reminded that children are not an entitlement or a reward but a gift.
The author then considers in chapter 2 Christian Disciipleship and human Affection which considers the importance of death to self and in chapter 3 considers the importance of church when facing issues with fertility.
In chapter 4 the moral issues surrounding various methods of infertility treatment are considered.
The book is very engaging with case studies and examples. It is also a very challenging read. For those with children we are reminded to be so thankful for this gift and there is much we can glean from the book about how to support our brothers and sisters in the Lord who have not received this gift. The chapter on fertility treatments is a good summary especially for those who want to know the morality of treatments in lay mans terms.
For those facing infertility I imagine it will be a very helpful read , however it will be a very emotional and challenging read. The author is compassionate but he also seeks to really unearth what scripture has to say on this highly emotive issue.
You may not currently be facing infertility or be close to anyone who is. Or you may be in the midst of the devastation that is infertility. Either way: you need to read this book. Whether you have been given children or not, whether you are married or not, every believer would do well to read this book.
The book begins with examples of infertility in the Bible. These accounts are presented sympathetically and with great wisdom. We are reminded that children are not an entitlement or a reward but a gift.
The author then considers in chapter 2 Christian Disciipleship and human Affection which considers the importance of death to self and in chapter 3 considers the importance of church when facing issues with fertility.
In chapter 4 the moral issues surrounding various methods of infertility treatment are considered.
The book is very engaging with case studies and examples. It is also a very challenging read. For those with children we are reminded to be so thankful for this gift and there is much we can glean from the book about how to support our brothers and sisters in the Lord who have not received this gift. The chapter on fertility treatments is a good summary especially for those who want to know the morality of treatments in lay mans terms.
For those facing infertility I imagine it will be a very helpful read , however it will be a very emotional and challenging read. The author is compassionate but he also seeks to really unearth what scripture has to say on this highly emotive issue.
June 25, 2018
I struggle with books on infertility because, as a whole, many of them are very personalized memoirs. While those can be helpful (and I’ve enjoyed several of them) I have been looking for a book that I can hand to others to help them delve into the theological and moral implications that any couple facing the trial of infertility must wrestle with. This book meets that goal.
Matthew Arbo addresses infertility from a Biblical point of view, looking at what couples experiencing infertility go through, how the Church can help, and the moral implications of artificial reproductive technologies.
This book was a very thorough, technical, scripture-filled overview. Yet, it was compelling in nature and drew me in instantly. I quickly flipped through it, eager for more.
My only hesitation is whole-heartedly recommending this book is the last chapter on the moral implications of artificial reproductive technologies. I greatly appreciate the high regard that Arbo gave to life, even in its earliest stages, but I felt that he was slightly too intense in that manner in which he addressed in-vitro fertilization. Even with that intensity, I still feel like the points he raised are important for any couple going through infertility to consider.
Matthew Arbo addresses infertility from a Biblical point of view, looking at what couples experiencing infertility go through, how the Church can help, and the moral implications of artificial reproductive technologies.
This book was a very thorough, technical, scripture-filled overview. Yet, it was compelling in nature and drew me in instantly. I quickly flipped through it, eager for more.
My only hesitation is whole-heartedly recommending this book is the last chapter on the moral implications of artificial reproductive technologies. I greatly appreciate the high regard that Arbo gave to life, even in its earliest stages, but I felt that he was slightly too intense in that manner in which he addressed in-vitro fertilization. Even with that intensity, I still feel like the points he raised are important for any couple going through infertility to consider.
June 10, 2019
I'm going with 3 1/2 stars for this one, because I appreciate a lot of this book on an intellectual level, but it barely addressed the emotional side of infertility, and I did disagree with a couple of his points.
I will say that this is the first theological handling of infertility that I've seen, and I'm glad that it exists. There's a lot too be said for the memoir type books written on a personal level, but I think we need both those and the more high level attempts to apply Scripture to the questions of infertility, such as this book.
I want to specifically mention the section of the moral issues of IVF: I don't completely agree with the way he handled the topic, but I do think he brought up a lot of important points, that couples need to work through and pray through rather than dismiss out of hand.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend this for someone who's deeply struggling with the emotions of infertility, but it could be good reading for those who are pastors/elders/councilers for infertile couples, or those couples who are feeling emotionally stable enough to work through some logical issues in a somewhat detached way.
I will say that this is the first theological handling of infertility that I've seen, and I'm glad that it exists. There's a lot too be said for the memoir type books written on a personal level, but I think we need both those and the more high level attempts to apply Scripture to the questions of infertility, such as this book.
I want to specifically mention the section of the moral issues of IVF: I don't completely agree with the way he handled the topic, but I do think he brought up a lot of important points, that couples need to work through and pray through rather than dismiss out of hand.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend this for someone who's deeply struggling with the emotions of infertility, but it could be good reading for those who are pastors/elders/councilers for infertile couples, or those couples who are feeling emotionally stable enough to work through some logical issues in a somewhat detached way.
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