Being & Loving

by Althea J. Horner

Discusses the work of the author as a teacher and psychotherapist and her success in helping men and women resolve the conflict between intimacy and identity.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Love

164 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1977

Reviews

[Justin Zamora · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written shortly after the 'Me Decade' of the 1970s, and now in its third edition, "Being and Loving" is a timeless piece that eloquently addresses profound questions such as "Can I be in a relationship and still be me?" "Will I have to sacrifice the possibility of intimacy in order to protect my identity, my sense of who I am, or will I have to sacrifice my identity to be in an intimate relationship with another person?" In other words, can 'being' and loving' coexist, or must they be mutually exclusive? Her argument is simple, yet profound, and for many, unsettling. The conflicts and fears that inevitably arise during the earliest years of development and that get in the way of both our sense of self and emotional intimacy often still make their voices heard in adult life.

For Horner, a healthy and mature love entails the realization that love is not a threat to the self, to one's sense of who one is, to one's boundaries, or one's autonomy; nor is it something to be bargained for and received in exchange for the core of one's personhood. It involves the capacity to give and care for another in a manner that does not entail the sacrifice of one's identity. This is the nature of love and intimacy, which can only exist between two people whose sense of their own individual separateness and wholeness is secure enough to enable each other to engage the other fully, with no fear or loss of self and without concern for who gives and who receives. There is an ebb and flow of mutuality in which each person is aware of self and, at the same time, sensitive to the self and the other.