Love Is Patient, But I'm Not: Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

by Christopher West

You've heard Christopher West talk about love before . . . but not like this. In this revealing book, renowned speaker and author Christopher West discusses the topic of love and relationships, but he does it through the lens of his own powerful and personal experience. If you've ever wondered what to do with that deep cry of your heart to love and be loved, read on. Love Is Patient, but I'm Not offers West's reflections on Pope Francis book The Joy of Love. It focuses on the heart of the pope's meditations on the famous love is patient and kind passage from 1 Corinthians 13. Its short chapters will take you line by line through the passage, and will also let you in on some intimate aspects of West's faith journey—his wound of perfectionism, his consequent challenges as a husband and father, and the ups and downs he experiences as he struggles to work it all out. As it turns out, we aren't the only ones who find it hard to live out the love St. Paul describes for us. Interspersed throughout the book are short prayers and questions for reflection designed to help you open your heart to God and experience his unconditional, merciful love more fully. Read this book for a dose of spiritual encouragement and for a real-life look at what it means to live the joy of love.

Genres: Catholic, Faith, Religion, Nonfiction, Marriage, Christianity, Spirituality

110 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 12, 2017

About the author

Christopher West is a research fellow and faculty member of the Theology of the Body Institute. He is also one of the most sought after speakers in the Church today, having delivered more than 1000 public lectures on 4 continents, in more than a dozen countries, and in over 200 American cities. His books – Good News About Sex & Marriage, Theology of the Body Explained, and Theology of the Body for Beginners – have become Catholic best sellers.

Christopher has also lectured on a number of prestigious faculties, offering graduate and undergraduate courses at St John Vianney Seminary in Denver, the John Paul II Institute in Melbourne, Australia, and Creighton University’s Institute for Priestly Formation in Omaha. Hundreds of thousands have heard him on national radio programs and even more have seen him defending the faith on programs such as Scarborough Country, Fox and Friends, and At Large with Geraldo Rivera. Of all his titles, Christopher is most proud to call himself a devoted husband and father. He and his wife Wendy have five children and live in Lancaster County, PA.

Reviews

[Steven R. McEvoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this book last month in an email from Dynamic Catholic. I was immediately captured by the title. I knew this was a book I had to read. And I picked up the eBook the day after that email. And boy did I need to read this book. And I know I will read it again and again. I read this book in one day over three sittings this first time through. And have already put it back in my reading list to reread it in a few months and take my time with each chapter as I do.

The introduction of this book begins with these words:
"I grew up believing that I was only "lovable" if I got my act together. I had to be a "good boy" to be worthy of God's love, or anyone else's. Be perfect (read: be a "saint") and then you'll be loved. Such was the impression made on me by a falsely pious upbringing.
Having shared my story with audiences around the world, I know I'm not the only recovering perfectionist out there. It's a sadly common but tragically misguided impression of what it means to be Catholic. There is so much wrong with this view, not the least of which is what it means to be a saint. Saints are not perfect people. They are people who know that they are perfectly loved in all their imperfections. They abide in that love and it fills them with the infectious joy of the gospel."
And further on he states:
"While many of the lessons I've learned flow from my experience as a married man, these reflections are not only intended for married people. Regardless of a person's state in life, every one of us is involved in a great variety of human relationships, all of which can benefit from entering more deeply into St. Paul's hymn to love."
And from this starting point Christopher West goes on to give so many personal examples from his own life and his own struggles that You cannot help but be inspired to work for change in your own life.

The chapters in this book are:

Introduction
One: Love Is Patient
Two: Love Is Kind
Three: Love Is Not Jealous
Four: Love Is Not Boastful
Five: Love Is Not Arrogant
Six: Love Is Not Rude
Seven: Love Does Not Insist On Its Own Way
Eight: Love Is Not Irritable
Nine: Love Is Not Resentful
Ten: Love Does Not Rejoice At Wrong, But Rejoices In The Right
Eleven: Love Bears All Things
Twelve: Love Believes All Things
Thirteen: Love Hopes All Things
Fourteen: Love Endures All Things
Conclusion

Throughout the book are a series of grey boxes, they contain a short quote and then a series of questions for reflections or action. An example from chapter one is:

"Love is patient. Oftentimes, I am not. Lord, teach me to love.
How do I respond when others inconvenience me or act in some way that I'd rather they didn't? Am I quick to react with dismay, disdain, or aggression?
What experiences shaped me growing up that may be affecting the way I respond to others' and my own faults throughout the day?"

There are between 1 and 4 of these reflection sections in each chapter. The chapters with only one are at the end of the chapter, those with more are interspersed through the chapter.

At the beginning of the conclusion to this book Christopher states:
"In his Theology of the Body, St. John Paul II spoke of three "infallible and indispensable" means for living an authentic marital spirituality (these apply just as well, of course, to any Christian life):
A deepening life of prayer Regular confession of our sins Frequent reception of the Eucharist
At first, this might just sound like "standard Catholic stuff" that you've heard before. Sure enough, it is. But John Paul II's "spousal theology" gives us a fresh, mystical perspective that you probably didn't hear about growing up in the Church. I'd like to conclude this book by taking a brief look at how his "spousal lenses" illuminate this path of authentic marital spirituality."
And then he proceeds to expand on each of those three points. As stated this was a book I really needed to read. And will read again and again. This might become one of those books I read yearly for years to come. The lessons are simple and clear. The examples at times warm and encouraging and at times raw and completely transparent and vulnerable. Thank you, Christopher, for sharing so much or your own story in this book. And thank you Beacon for publishing it for Dynamic Catholic. Last year I was pressured to create a list of my Top 10 Catholic Books List if I were to be doing it today this book would be on it! It is a book I need and a book that will help almost anyone in their relationships, with spouses, children, coworkers, and with friends. An excellent read!

Read the review on my blog Book Reviews and More.

Note: This book is part of a series of reviews: 2017 Catholic Reading Plan!

[Sophie Zell · Rating 3 out of 5]

The way the title of this book made me feel was enough for me to want to read it. I usually tend to lean towards more complex, “deeper” spiritual reads, but this honestly did the job. Wouldn’t swear by it, but it was truly what I needed this month!! West combines some all star catechism quotes, ideas from great writers like Jacques Phillipe, C.S. Lewis and Pope Francis to paint the picture of an interior and exterior life that demands love. It re-emphasized some truths that have been stirring in my heart for years, but being a first year missionary is inviting me to a generosity like I’ve never known before. 🫠 Only to the degree that we accept love from God can we share it! True love calls us out of ourselves, it trusts and it sets free! Spiritual achievement and pride are infinitely disastrous to charity. And as my fav, Sr. Ruth Burrows, says (not included in this book but should be) “There is sacrifice involved in letting others be themselves”

[Gina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a really good book. It was a fairly quick read but I lost focus about halfway. It took lots of focus for me to read the second half. Great messages on love and what it means to love and be loved.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was honestly so eye-opening and made me think about how I treat others. A great study of one of my favorite chapters in the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13

[Sabrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly beautiful.

[Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of the chapters were OK, but Christopher West takes a very hard line on some issues which didn't sit well with me.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked the book and felt like it was an excellent review of 1 Corinthians 13.

[Ronique Breaux Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've followed his discussions on YouTube...will get his&hers copies for
discussions (building understanding) ..as Bishop Barron often says... "love is willing the good of the other"... reading

[Mirabilia · Rating 4 out of 5]

thoughts i had towards the end of this book--was i partially bamboozled since he thanked Matthew Kelly at the end? lol, those are the books they put in the pews in the Adoration chapel--i think i own a copy of "33 Days to Eucharistic Glory" but i will say i did purchase this of my own volition.

i personally did enjoy the content and loved how each chapter was modeled after a line from 1 Corinthians 13--"love is patient, love is kind...". i can also appreciate how the reflection questions at the end of each chapter was especially hard hitting. i mostly just read the questions instead of personally journalling on them otherwise i'd be here for another year.

big fan of the nacho libre mention in chapter four and found chapters 7-9 (love does not insist on its own way, love is not resentful, and love is not irritable) very compelling with this excerpt: "There's a distinction between love as a desire and love as benevolence. If love as desire says, "I long for you AS a good," love as benevolence says, "I long for YOUR good; I long for that which is good for you."" (West 44). trueee.

honorable mention for this quote from a confessor mentioned in chapter 11, "love bears all things," "A saint is someone who has his shit open to the merciful love of the Father."

i hope following reading this, i start reading up on Theology of the Body and Pope Francis's (may he rest in peace <3 praying for the repose of his soul) //The Joy of Love//. and also i hope it helps me keep in mind what it looks like to walk and act with love in a way that honors Jesus' resurrection and ultimately love unconditionally.

[Samantha Foster · Rating 1 out of 5]

1.5 stars.

Oh boy.

If you're a cis-het, white, conservative, Catholic, married man, then congrats, you're the intended audience. If you're anyone else...maybe skip it.

Really, this book was just unnecessary.

The idea for this book was good: a slightly more down-to-earth version of Chapter 4 of Pope Francis's The Joy of Love (which breaks down the lines of 1 Corinthians 13), pulling excerpts, elaborating, and giving real-life examples. But. It feels like this guy's diary entry responses to reading the Pope's book, but he has a narrow and unrelatable worldview, so it's not helpful or interesting. The author's elaborations and examples were, at best, irrelevant to the original passage, and at worst, intrinsically flawed interpretations and/or applications of Scripture.

This theology insists that marriage (defined narrowly as the official religious union of a man and a woman) is the one true way to experience God's love on earth. I don't disagree that marriage is a symbol of God's eternal and unconditional love, but I do disagree that one has to be married to fully experience and embrace all that God has for us, which is what the majority of this book implies.

That said, I enjoyed several of the quotes and excerpts from other works, and the small group with which I read the book had some excellent discussions, despite our fervent disagreement with the source material. That's why it's 1.5 instead of 1.

[Todd · Rating 3 out of 5]

West takes 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ("Love is patient...") and Pope Francis' THE JOY OF LOVE : Apostolic EXHORTATION AMORIS LAETITIA - ON LOVE IN THE FAMILY: pope francis joy and applies it to his marriage and, thereby, to marriage generally. While West quotes generously from Pope Francis and some other popes, there is nothing especially "catholic" in any of it and any Christian could read this book without a stumbling block. There weren't any ground-breaking discoveries or earth-shaking new perspectives, at least for me, but it is a short, easy, and sometimes entertaining read, and it made for a good inventory of the things we get right and wrong in our relationships. I read it together with my wife and we talked about it together as we went, which I think is an excellent use of a book like this. The Bible set outs a high bar for getting love right (just picture, for a moment, Jesus nailed to a cross...), but the rewards for making the effort are worthwhile. A book like this won't change your world or save your marriage, but for those seeking to grow closer and strengthen what is there, I recommend reading it together with your spouse.

[Lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book that details the depths of what love should truly be and how it can be found in every avenue of our lives. Christopher West details what it means to love. And that means a whole lot more than meets the eye. Often times, it's uncomfortable talking about love through the lens of suffering, vulnerability, impatience, pride... the list can go on. This book was an easy read, but a profoundly enlightening book that can teach truths that you might or might not have heard before, but in a new perspective - one that reminds you just how easily it is to forget them. Love isn't emotion or gut alone, but a skill that needs refining through practice, patience, and most importantly prayer and trust in God. In our brokenness, we need to remember that in order to practice unconditional love for others, we must also learn to recieve God's love for us in the same manner (whether we feel* we deserve it or not - God has already decided that for us). So as followers of Christ, we must also follow him into the dark, so as to lift those who dwell there into the light.

[Meredith Hooten · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book, while probably most effective for engaged people or married couples, shined a nice light on the trials of marriage, but also love in general. As a single person, I found this book to set very realistic standards of love in our broken world, while also providing hope for the greatest Love found in Christ. It walked through the "Love is Patient..." passage of the Bible and dissected it into a very easy to read (and often relatable, unfortunately) call to better love those around us because ultimately even those that bother us are created in the image of God. A couple of times I felt it was a little wordy and repetitive, but the message was good and it was nice to dive deeper into the meaning behind so few verses.

[Bruna Bacelar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Que leitura necessária para a minha vida! Livro muito bem escrito, com reflexões importantíssimas para aqueles que são como eu e como o autor: perfeccionistas em recuperação. Perfeccionistas que tantas vezes buscam ser melhores, mas acabam sendo egoístas, demasiado duros e exigentes, por vezes tristes e insatisfeitos.

Como foi bom me deparar comigo mesma, com minha história, com minhas dificuldades à luz do amor incondicional e infinito de Deus. Como foi bom entender a liberdade proporcionada pelo amor verdadeiro.

Uma dica para a leitura: o livro tem reflexões para oração no meio dos capítulos. Portanto, é legal ler em espírito de recolhimento, com um caderno de oração, com tempo de silêncio e meditação. Pretendo reler o livro nestas condições.

[MP Garza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Simple yet effective. This book is written so that anyone can understand and meditate on it. I like how the author transmites his ideas through concrete examples and shared his own experiences both positive and negative regarding the chapters theme. The book gives you guided questions and suggestions in order to create a more profound experience while reading it. It also gives you concrete ways you can transform the written reflexions into actions. I enjoyed the citing of the popes and the church’s teachings. I think they are great bits of information that could motivate you to read more on the topic if you are interested in it and easily find other related readings.

[Doug · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m not Roman Catholic, I’m not even Christian, but even an agnostic Unitarian can find inspiration in this thin little volume. Not that Corinthians 1 need’s any embellishment yet this book helps examine the challenges of the critical virtues for living a blessed life: mercy, forgiveness, hope, and, of course patience. But as the philosopher Sponville advises, virtue lies not in intention but action. West ends each chapter with the plea, ‘Lord, teach me to love’ but he knows it’s up to each of us to pursue the quest for love ourselves.

[SilviaS · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being a fan of books by Christopher West, this one didn't dissapoint either. Short chapters about what it really means to love deeply, refreshing analogies from his life. I liked the narrative that nobody is perfect (he admits to quite a few shortcomings in his relationship with his wife), but we all should strive to love others and show this in how we behave towards them.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical and insightful... Christopher West offers a short chapter on each line of 1 Corinthians 13. The personal stories help to illuminate the points and each section ends with reflection questions to help us examine our own behavior in light of this beautiful hymn to love which is at the heart of Pope Francis' recent document The Joy of Love.

[Alaina · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you read this title and immediately think, "Yep, that's me," then this book is for you. Christopher West is always so enlightening and really helps people see themselves while relating his own stories to the points he makes. I learned quite a lot from this book and has completely changed the way I view others for the better.

[Elena Muñoz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Un libro interesante que ayuda a reflexionar. El autor desgrana cada parte del himno del amor de Corintios 13 partiendo de su propia experiencia y planteando preguntas al lector. Seguramente lo releeré.

[Vonetta · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick read that I took my time getting through because it contained so many gems. I love the idea of learning to love better, and this made that lofty goal a bit more practical.

[Rachel Vryhof · Rating 3 out of 5]

Many humorous anecdotes of the self-deprecating variety. Reflection questions could have had me do a deeper dive but wasn't inspired to do more than a quick read-through this time around.

[Pavo Goff · Rating 5 out of 5]

It has nice and brief suggestions on how to love better.
Highly recommended.

[Emerson John Tiu Ng · Rating 5 out of 5]

A nice book the capture what love suppose to be..

[Diego Estrada · Rating 5 out of 5]

¡DEMASIADO BUENO!

[CHEYENNE · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent thought provoking questions, especially for perfectionist.

[Deborah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very helpful set of reflections on Pope Francis's book The Joy of Love, based on 1 Corinthians 13.

[Nicole Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great guide for prayer as you dive deep into the truth of love.

[Leslie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was only moderately interested in this book. It's well-written, but I won't be rereading it.

[Liz DeLise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid quick read.