جرعة حب : أصلح علاقتك الزوجية وجددها الآن

by Tara Fields

يناقش كتاب «جرعة حب»، للاختصاصية في علم النفس د. تارا فيلدز، ومن ترجمة رامي طوقان والصادر عن الدار العربية للعلوم كل ما تحتاج إليه لإصلاح علاقتك الزوجية، تضع تارا فيلدز في هذا الكتاب حصيلة خبرة واسعة في معالجة شؤون الزواج والعائلة لمدة تزيد عن ثمان وعشرين سنة قامت خلالها بتقديم مشورتها إلى مئات المراجعين الذين يأتون إليها، وقد وصل البعض منهم إلى طريق مسدود، وكأن شيئاً ما يبدو مكسوراً بينهم، ولا يعلمون كيف يصلحون علاقتهم فيصلون إلى حال يخشون فيه من أن الطريق الوحيد إلى الأمام هو إلى الانفصال.

في المقدمة التي تفتتح بها المؤلفة عملها هذا تقول: سيعطيك كتاب «جرعة حب» الأدوات التي تحتاجها لتبدأ بإعادة علاقتك إلى مسارها الخيِّر الإيجابي، وهي بعينها الأدوات التي أعطيتها لعدد كبير جداً من الأزواج خلال سنوات ممارستي مهنتي. ستجد مجموعات من التمارين بما في ذلك ما أسميه «جرعات الدقائق الثلاث» - نصائح يمكنك أن تبدأ باستخدامها فوراً حتى تبدأ في شق طريقك لكسر هذه الأنماط المدمرة - وكذلك في تمارين «الأعمال القلبية» سأطلب منك أن تغوص بشكل أعمق لتبدأ بالتعرف على الجروح والآلام والمخاوف التي تكمن خلف تصرفاتك بحيث تتمكن من الإمساك بها.

وتتابع: اعتبر هذا الكتاب بمثابة «النية الصادقة»، فأنت تعرف الآن كيف أدت الأنماط التفاعلية السلبية التي خلقتماها في ماضيكما إلى تسميم حاضركما، ولكن ليس من الحتمي عليك أن تظل حاملاً لهذه الأنماط معك إلى المستقبل، يمكنك ببساطة أن تتخذ القرار بأنك تود التحرر من هذه الأنماط السلبية في العلاقة الزوجية التي ارتبطت بها وفي الحياة التي تعيشها اليوم. أنا أعتقد بصدق أنك قادر بنيتك الصادقة هذه وتحت إرشادات هذا الكتاب من أن تبني علاقة تشعر فيها بأشد درجات الأمان الممكنة في هذا العالم.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction

256 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2015

Reviews

[Andrea Balfour · Rating 4 out of 5]

I needed this. To my friends that are my updates, that's hard to admit, but my husband and I don't get along right now and don't communicate very well AT ALL anymore. I cringe typically at the thought of self help books but I also cringe at the thought of paying a therapist to be my friend and listen to my problems. So therein lies the reason why I went for a book instead. It's gotten bad enough that I had to choose the lesser of two evils.

Was it helpful? Yes. Was it all applicable? No. The author defines different self-defined relationship types along with a quiz to see if you're in one and ways to combat or help you out of it. I would imagine that a therapist hears a lot of the same stories over and over but rarely do we all understand from where our conflict stems and how to get out from under the heavy load.

My spouse asked me just today what I was reading and now that he knows and now that I'm finished, hopefully we can open up a dialogue which will lead to healing.

The book offers many exercises and exploration questions which I believe will help us. if they don't, then I'm paying for a new friend for us both!

[Livia Winata · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a very good practical inspiration for marriage, even to early relationship approach. It should be between 3 to 5 stars so I put 4 stars instead.

It should be 5 stars because you could find most of any common problems in relationship. I can relate most of the issues in my very-very-long term relationship which is carefully and well described and explained. I read it and found me in awe to find that my relationship is nothing unique, there are many couples out there facing the same problem as ours and fix it just right. So could we ! It is encouraging to me fix myself then fix him, all in order not the opposite.

It should be 3 stars because most of the solution is, really, talk to each other. I know, I know. That is of course the only solution for most of couples problem. But the thing is, somehow I searched for something more than just talk-heart2heart-with-your-partner things. Because there are part of me looking for something unique to solve my problem instead the common wisdom.

Then I found this book is more well matched for someone who would like to observe and identify the problem in his/her relationship. Satisfying enough for me, tho.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book via Goodreads in return for an honest review.

A little about me: I've been married to for almost 10 years now and we've had some of the best and worst times during those years. However, despite our problems we've never thrown in the towel because we really do love and cherish each other. I always tell those who ask that open communication and compromise are the keys to our marriage.

The reason I entered the contest for The Love Fix was because of the "Break free from the 5 most common relationship ruts" on the cover. I knew it had to cover my rut! I was hoping for some insight on self improvement for my marriage, as well as a preventative measure to keep things on track for our future.

I loved the book as soon as I started, it's a very easy read and you feel comfortable and confident from the start. Tara Fields really does make you feel you're not alone in these issues by bringing in her experience working with couples. There are 5 conflict loops ("ruts") covered in this book:

1. The Parent Trap - Equal Partnership
2. Come Close, Go Away - Interdependent Relationship
3. The Blame Game and the Shame Spiral - Ownership and Respect
4. Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3 - Profound Trust
5. Grow Apart - Grow Together

In the last 10 years of my marriage I can honestly say we've experienced all of these conflict loops and muddled our way through them. The Love Fix helps you recognize your conflict loops with self-assessment quizzes. These are short quizzes on a scale of 1-5, add up your score, see where you fall and then there are different exercises to try. There are also a few "3 Minute Fixes" - which I feel is a loose title because some of the 3 minute fixes are something you'll have to repeat over time. At the end of the book there is an "Owners Manual" with a series of questions that you can ask your partner or spouse. This is to get to know them and open up the lines of communication. Even though I've been with my significant other for a decade, I plan on asking him a few of these. Some of these questions can change with time, or maybe they'll be more open to sharing more now that a lot of time has passed - so don't write them off immediately - actually read through them.

I found a lot of the scenarios more fitting for new couples or couples with serious communication barriers. That's not to say if you've been married (or together) for a long time that this book is not for you. These conflict loops are real and The Love Fix sheds some light onto issues you may not have even realized existed.

My Cons:
Although I enjoyed this book tremendously and would recommend it to anyone who I know is struggling with one of these conflict loops, I couldn't rate it a 5-Star.

My biggest issue (which I didn't notice initially) was the way the example couple sessions were written. In most of the couple sessions, it was like the spouse had an ‘aha’ moment where they immediately understood why they were there.. in their first session. It wasn’t until the end of the book that Fields addresses that the couples still had a lot of work to do, I just wished it were addressed earlier. I felt that the book was originally setting unrealistic expectations because these kinds of relationship problems take time to resolve.

I found some things repetitive. I think this was to drive the point home.

My other issue was the same reason I wanted to read the book, the cover/title. I struggled with wanting to take the book with me to finish reading, but not wanting to deal with looks or having to explain why I wanted to read The Love Fix. If you’re shy, an e-book version would solve this problem :)

Quotes I found enlightening or inspiring:

"Dwell on the negative long enough, and you can actually alter the neural pathways of your brain, until you become hardwired for the negative."

"Too often, however, we become so focused on putting things off until tomorrow that we postpone our happiness and miss out on opportunities to experience what's right in front of us, to celebrate our love and our commitment to each other today."

"When you're present in the moment, conflict with your partner can become an opportunity to work through unresolved issues and to learn more about each other; it can even be a way to grow closer."

"According to research published in Social Psychology Quarterly, choosing to focus on and acknowledge the positives in your relationship creates new neural pathways, fundamentally altering the internal structure of your brain. With enough practice, you can override that overwhelming negativity; instead of noticing what your spouse or partner does wrong, you can begin to see all the things he or she is doing right."

"The beauty of being in a relationship is that if a particular ability comes naturally to your partner but does not to you, or vice versa, you can use your partner's strength in this area to develop more of this ability and yourself."

"Here's what you really want to keep in mind: so many of your partner's qualities that you fell in love with – the things you really want more of – can create the very things that you feel the most critical about and end up rejecting or killing off."

"I am constantly reminding my clients that when you can approach your partner from a place of curiosity rather than a place of judgment, the thing you are fighting about tends to fade away and the loving behavior follows."

"A loving, enduring relationship is in part an evolving relationship, meaning that the people keep evolving individually and also as a couple. It's this growth together that keeps the excitement and the interest and even the sexual passion alive."

"It's inevitable: couples are either going to grow together or grow part. And don't kid yourself. If you haven't had to deal with important life issues, the kind that test a relationship, you will."

[Lilla P. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Conflicts in relationships don`t just work themselves out by fierce fights and/or swiping-under-the-carpet over time, they require serious attention and compassionate, loving, unconditional care to be put in bed FOREVER. This book introduces 5 conflict loops that couples tend to fall into, identified by a couple`s therapist with great experience in the field. If you find yourself stuck desperately in the vicious circle of fighting about the same things with your partner, or rather "not really fighting about what you`re fighting about", or if you just want to learn more about how to be a better partner and how to make a relationship last, I HIGHLY recommend this book.

P.S.: Don`t wait until a breakup to learn more about how to be an efficiently arguing, yet compassionate and loving partner in a relationship. Take this from a person who learned this the hard way.

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Field's paradigm focuses on five "circles," which are patterns in which a couple can grow apart or grow closer together. Coming from Tara Field's experience in counseling, the book is thoughtful and practical. The anecdotes give life to her ideas, and there are opportunities for self reflection, discussion, and getting to know the partner. These are common patterns, and this book could benefit many couples---if they are willing to do the work.

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

The LOVE FIX is like the listening to the beloved therapist I tuned into every day on KPIX Radio when I lived in San Francisco. Tara's book is filled with heart, hope, user friendly practical advice mixed with a big dose of common sense. The individuals are relatable and human. I found myself rooting for several of the couples as if they were people I knew. Work Book?

[NJFLCHICKIE · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS BOOK A LITTLE TO MUCH SOME GOOD ADVISE BUT NOT THE CURE ALL, IT MADE ME MUCH ANGRIER THEN I THOUGHT I WAS, NOT AT THE PERSON I AM WITH NOW BUT AT THE PERSON I WAS MARRIED TO FOR 21 YRS NOW I CAN SAY WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS, BUT I KNOW I WILL NEVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN

[J Crossley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tara Fields seeks to improve loving relationships by looking at different issues that come up and how those issues can be handled.