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Infidelity: Why Men and Women Cheat
What the latest science tells us about the brain's reward systems, love, and sex -- and how to prevent an affair from destroying your life
How can I prevent an affair from destroying my life? Whether I am the cheater or the betrayed partner, how can I survive, even thrive, in the wake of an affair? Infidelity provides key insights to find your true sexual and romantic potential and advocates honesty, trust, and integrity--the fundamentals of love.
People often cheat in a haze of delusion, believing that it will bring them real love, help them have better sex, lift their spirits, and boost their sagging self-esteem; however, very often, cheating wrecks relationships and erodes self-esteem. In Infidelity , one of America's top doctors combines neuroscience, addiction theory, and common sense to explain the three types of emotional, virtual, and physical; why they're so prevalent; and how to live in accordance with our values when we are drawn to stray.
Examining what the latest science tells us about the brain's reward systems, love, and sex, Dr. Kenneth Paul Rosenberg reveals what drives men and women to cheat and what they can do about it. At a time when America's pornography obsession rises to the level of a competing sexual interest, when is porn a problem, and when does it count as infidelity? And since it is not the act of infidelity alone that destroys a couple, how does any couple prevent growing apart? Through concrete rules addressing these and other vital questions, Dr. Rosenberg guides couples on how to prevent cheating, stop it from progressing, and repair the damage caused by an affair.
How can I prevent an affair from destroying my life? Whether I am the cheater or the betrayed partner, how can I survive, even thrive, in the wake of an affair? Infidelity provides key insights to find your true sexual and romantic potential and advocates honesty, trust, and integrity--the fundamentals of love.
People often cheat in a haze of delusion, believing that it will bring them real love, help them have better sex, lift their spirits, and boost their sagging self-esteem; however, very often, cheating wrecks relationships and erodes self-esteem. In Infidelity , one of America's top doctors combines neuroscience, addiction theory, and common sense to explain the three types of emotional, virtual, and physical; why they're so prevalent; and how to live in accordance with our values when we are drawn to stray.
Examining what the latest science tells us about the brain's reward systems, love, and sex, Dr. Kenneth Paul Rosenberg reveals what drives men and women to cheat and what they can do about it. At a time when America's pornography obsession rises to the level of a competing sexual interest, when is porn a problem, and when does it count as infidelity? And since it is not the act of infidelity alone that destroys a couple, how does any couple prevent growing apart? Through concrete rules addressing these and other vital questions, Dr. Rosenberg guides couples on how to prevent cheating, stop it from progressing, and repair the damage caused by an affair.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published May 15, 2018
33 people are currently reading
142 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
April 25, 2025
(Hoopla). I enjoyed the audiobook, and I can highly recommend it. Although I disagree with the author’s assessment that the behavior of the women in the show Sex and the City foreshadowed female behavior that would follow, because I think the sexually liberating behavior depicted on the show laid the blueprint for impressionable young women to follow to their own detriment, I was very impressed with his concise analysis of how infidelity rears its head in a monogamous relationship. The author begins by giving the reader two statistics: (1) more than 50% of committed dating people cheat; and (2) at least 20% of monogamous married people cheat. They cheat because environment factors make the bad behavior more doable: affordable, accesible, anonymous. People cheat because they like novelty: novel sex and/or novel partners. People cheat because humans and animals are the product of biology, which selects a mating system focused on transmitting genes to the next generation. A female will choose a male with healthier genes over her current make (what Kevin Samuels calls hypergamy), while men mate with additional females to increase the likelihood of having more offspring (which is why Kevin Samuels asked women on his show if they were willing to share a man). Any time a PhD writes a book that corroborates exactly what YouTube influencers, accused of being misogynist, tell the public, I am amused.
Beyond my amusement, the author provides some principles on how to maintain a long-term monogamous relationship. First, acknowledge that a long term relationship is hard. The quote from the book is: all relationships are a struggle, it is just a matter of finding the best struggle you can. Second, recognize that emotional fidelity is at the core of every good relationship. Vow to put the relationship first, and make a promise to your spouse that she can trust that you will be there for her. Third, insure your own happiness by giving. Assume a service mindset. Fourth, recognize the top two predictors of keeping a long-term love: hold your partner in high regard and think positive thoughts about them.
The alternative to a long-term living relationship is romantic betrayal, which can be so devastating that it leads to suicide, homicide and other crimes of passion, which I have personally seen in my role as a criminal defense attorney. The author made it clear that people confronting their partners’ infidelity face the existential loneliness of life and a deep unrequited desire for safety. The author also gave me two new phrases to help understand human behavior: (1) pain shopping, where the spouse that has been cuckolded actively seeks more and more details of the sexual acting out of the cheater; and (2)eroticized rage, where the cheating spouse uses sexual acts to prove himself superior and powerful, in order to make up for his sense of inferiority.
I also learned that biologically: (1) when we have an important experience, new proteins are made at the synapses and boom, a memory is born and sustained over time; and (2) when a sexual or fear associated memory is formed the brain becomes flooded with neurotransmitters.
When I was done with the book, I was left with something I have confirmed for myself and a question that I will try and answer in the coming months. First, sharing vulnerabilities can be a powerful way to connect with another human being, because self-disclosure fosters attraction. That is my personal experience. The question is: does more formal education for women naturally lead to a lower morality for those same women, returning the the Sex and the City disagreement that I had the author.
Beyond my amusement, the author provides some principles on how to maintain a long-term monogamous relationship. First, acknowledge that a long term relationship is hard. The quote from the book is: all relationships are a struggle, it is just a matter of finding the best struggle you can. Second, recognize that emotional fidelity is at the core of every good relationship. Vow to put the relationship first, and make a promise to your spouse that she can trust that you will be there for her. Third, insure your own happiness by giving. Assume a service mindset. Fourth, recognize the top two predictors of keeping a long-term love: hold your partner in high regard and think positive thoughts about them.
The alternative to a long-term living relationship is romantic betrayal, which can be so devastating that it leads to suicide, homicide and other crimes of passion, which I have personally seen in my role as a criminal defense attorney. The author made it clear that people confronting their partners’ infidelity face the existential loneliness of life and a deep unrequited desire for safety. The author also gave me two new phrases to help understand human behavior: (1) pain shopping, where the spouse that has been cuckolded actively seeks more and more details of the sexual acting out of the cheater; and (2)eroticized rage, where the cheating spouse uses sexual acts to prove himself superior and powerful, in order to make up for his sense of inferiority.
I also learned that biologically: (1) when we have an important experience, new proteins are made at the synapses and boom, a memory is born and sustained over time; and (2) when a sexual or fear associated memory is formed the brain becomes flooded with neurotransmitters.
When I was done with the book, I was left with something I have confirmed for myself and a question that I will try and answer in the coming months. First, sharing vulnerabilities can be a powerful way to connect with another human being, because self-disclosure fosters attraction. That is my personal experience. The question is: does more formal education for women naturally lead to a lower morality for those same women, returning the the Sex and the City disagreement that I had the author.
May 5, 2019
A very eye opening book to the drivers behind cheating. Also very sad to hear that such things to happen. Ignorance is bliss.
January 29, 2023
Yeah….I’m never gonna get married
April 13, 2018
https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard
…Fantasy is the flame of passion. Desire has a way of getting us engaged, keeping us in a zonked-out zone, getting lost in lust and love, and, in some cases, blinding us to self-destructive choices.
Interesting study undertaken after many years as a marriage counselor and therapist. Useful textbook on how to deal with any phase of a sexual conundrum a couple might face. A guide as well for how to avoid the pitfalls of keeping secret one’s erotic desire.
…That is actually the whole goal of this book: to help us accept our human desires so we can be honest with ourselves and have honest dialogue with others so we don’t wind up destroying our precious, deep love relationships with covert relationships.
What I already instinctually knew, and my intuitive personal theory confirmed by Dr. Rosenberg, was that in relationships that allow for non monogamy, honesty and trust must be strictly adhered to and revered.
…If you ask me, the key to their success was that they never lost emotional fidelity. They never made each other second fiddle…
…Fantasy is the flame of passion. Desire has a way of getting us engaged, keeping us in a zonked-out zone, getting lost in lust and love, and, in some cases, blinding us to self-destructive choices.
Interesting study undertaken after many years as a marriage counselor and therapist. Useful textbook on how to deal with any phase of a sexual conundrum a couple might face. A guide as well for how to avoid the pitfalls of keeping secret one’s erotic desire.
…That is actually the whole goal of this book: to help us accept our human desires so we can be honest with ourselves and have honest dialogue with others so we don’t wind up destroying our precious, deep love relationships with covert relationships.
What I already instinctually knew, and my intuitive personal theory confirmed by Dr. Rosenberg, was that in relationships that allow for non monogamy, honesty and trust must be strictly adhered to and revered.
…If you ask me, the key to their success was that they never lost emotional fidelity. They never made each other second fiddle…
November 15, 2022
A great book to understand the evolutionarily and biological understanding of why people cheat in relationship. Author state that we cheat because of how we still have that evolutionary need to procreate and produce offspring that will survive.
I’ve enjoyed how author pointed out that for men physical cheating was more abhorrent than emotional cheating which is the opposite for women. Author explain is because for men, they fear that if they a child and it’s not theres they have wasted their resource and time. On the other hand, women fear for emotional cheating due to having resources and time devoted for their offspring transferred to another woman and their offspring.
It seem the idea of “novelty” and have the three As (affordable, accessible, and anonymous) are the three things needed for a novel infidelity to take place.
I’ve enjoyed how author pointed out that for men physical cheating was more abhorrent than emotional cheating which is the opposite for women. Author explain is because for men, they fear that if they a child and it’s not theres they have wasted their resource and time. On the other hand, women fear for emotional cheating due to having resources and time devoted for their offspring transferred to another woman and their offspring.
It seem the idea of “novelty” and have the three As (affordable, accessible, and anonymous) are the three things needed for a novel infidelity to take place.
June 9, 2023
I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has ever been in a relationship whether you were cheated on or not! It was a little triggering considering my current circumstances, but I wish I had read it earlier!
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July 28, 2023A good guide on understanding the social and neurological roots of infidelity.
September 10, 2023
Personally think this is a good read but not impressive. There are sharing of stories and some taught.
September 17, 2023
Got me overthinking and a lil tad too overwhelmed thinking about my own marriage. HAHAHA.
April 30, 2018
Infidelity: Why Men and Women Cheat by Dr. Kenneth Paul Rosenburg presents a scientific look into the chemistry and biology happening in the brain and to our bodies that makes cheating common. It gives numerous examples of philanderers and their recovery stories. Dr. Rosenburg sums up his books best with, "Although a book about infidelity by nature points out how love and sex can go awry, the take home message from this book is that passionate love can endure despite our innate tendency to cheat and out built-in drive to destroy the good in our lives."
I was a little hesitant going into reading this book. I have never read a book that could be considered a textbook for pleasure before. However, I have always been interested in psychology and the scientific side of sex, so I gave this book a shot when it was recommended to me as a review candidate. The first part of Infidelity was more scientific and went into detail about the chemical reactions that happened in our brains and how sex and love are as addictive as drugs. I found this part of the book very interesting. It gave me a new perspective on how cheating occurs, as I didn't know we were actually hard-wired for it, more or less. I really liked the author's writing style as it was easy to understand even without a psychology degree, and he was very straight forward without the candy coating.
However, the advice given in this book to stop yourself from cheating, telling your partner about extramarital relationships, how to recognize cheating, and recovery are all pretty generic, basic, and common sense. In the end, a book I mostly enjoyed felt like a plug to see a therapist. This ruined the higher rating it would have received.
Infidelity: Why Men and Women Cheat by Kenneth Paul Rosenburg will be published May 15, 2018 by Persus Books, Da Capo Press. The genre of this book is Adult Nonfiction, Parenting and Families.
I give this book 3 out of 5 stars. While most of it was well-written and interesting, any actual advice was not what I would consider helpful in an actual crisis. I liked and enjoyed this book regardless.
I want to thank NetGalley and Persus Books, Da Capo Press for giving me a free e-book copy in exchange for my honest review.
I was a little hesitant going into reading this book. I have never read a book that could be considered a textbook for pleasure before. However, I have always been interested in psychology and the scientific side of sex, so I gave this book a shot when it was recommended to me as a review candidate. The first part of Infidelity was more scientific and went into detail about the chemical reactions that happened in our brains and how sex and love are as addictive as drugs. I found this part of the book very interesting. It gave me a new perspective on how cheating occurs, as I didn't know we were actually hard-wired for it, more or less. I really liked the author's writing style as it was easy to understand even without a psychology degree, and he was very straight forward without the candy coating.
However, the advice given in this book to stop yourself from cheating, telling your partner about extramarital relationships, how to recognize cheating, and recovery are all pretty generic, basic, and common sense. In the end, a book I mostly enjoyed felt like a plug to see a therapist. This ruined the higher rating it would have received.
Infidelity: Why Men and Women Cheat by Kenneth Paul Rosenburg will be published May 15, 2018 by Persus Books, Da Capo Press. The genre of this book is Adult Nonfiction, Parenting and Families.
I give this book 3 out of 5 stars. While most of it was well-written and interesting, any actual advice was not what I would consider helpful in an actual crisis. I liked and enjoyed this book regardless.
I want to thank NetGalley and Persus Books, Da Capo Press for giving me a free e-book copy in exchange for my honest review.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews