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Forgiving God: A Story of Faith

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A young mother's life is forever changed and her faith in God is broken when her son in diagnosed with complex physical disabilities. Restore and grow your faith as you read about Hilary Yancey's personal journey back to God.

Three months into her pregnancy with her first child, Hilary Yancey received a phone call that changed everything. As she learned the diagnosis-cleft lip and palate, a missing right eye, possible breathing complications-Hilary began to pray in earnest. Even in the midst of these findings, she prayed that God would heal her son. God could do a miracle unlike anything she had seen. Only when Hilary held her baby, Jack, in her arms for the first time did she realize God had given her something drastically different than what she had demanded.

Hilary struggled to talk to God as she sat for six weeks beside Jack's crib in the NICU. She consented to surgeries and learned to care for a breathing tube and gastronomy button. In her experience with motherhood Hilary had become more familiar with the sound of her son's heart monitor than the sound of his heartbeat. Later, during surgeries and emergency trips back to the hospital with her crying, breathless boy, Hilary reproached the stranger God had become.

Jack was different. Hilary was not the mother she once imagined. God was not who Hilary knew before. But she could not let go of one certainty-she could see the image of Christ in Jack's face. Slowly, through long nights of wrestling and longer nights of silence, Hilary cut a path through her old, familiar faith to the God behind it. She discovered that it is by walking out onto the water, where the firm ground gives way, that we can find him. And meeting Jesus, who rises with his scars to proclaim new life, is never what you once imagined.

224 pages, Hardcover

Published April 3, 2018

17 people are currently reading
525 people want to read

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Hilary Yancey

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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
Profile Image for Joan.
4,366 reviews127 followers
June 14, 2018
We love to read stories about when someone pleads with God and He comes through with some amazing deed. But what about when God doesn't do something wonderful to fix the situation?

That's what happened to the Yanceys. The excitement of pregnancy was tempered with the news that the child would be deformed: a cleft palate, missing an eye and an ear. Hilary shares with us her experiences and her struggles.

This is a book of raw emotions. Hilary writes in an almost poetic way about her anger at God, being mad at His promises, pleading, begging. She shares her deep feelings of God robbing her of what she most wanted and of developing a faith seasoned with suffering, doubt and anger. She combines her own thoughts with her study of philosophy, developing a theology of disabilities with the ideas of God's providence and provision.

This is an emotional book. At times I was overwhelmed with Hilary's honest account of her pain and suffering. It made me think about how I would maintain my faith in the face of similar struggles.

I do recommend this book to those who are struggling with their faith as they face struggles and suffering. Hilary helps readers work through concepts like God's sovereignty and man's freedom as they related to her own experiences. There are lots of details in the book to the point I thought it too much information. Nonetheless, her writing style helps make a very difficult subject easier to read.

I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.
Profile Image for Jenna.
85 reviews
May 22, 2018
well written. honest. awesome descriptions pull you in.
Profile Image for Keely.
368 reviews1 follower
May 30, 2018
Five stars for Yancey’s honest, hopeful, impactful memoir. Thank you for sharing your story with us!
Profile Image for Nikki Kohlmeier.
99 reviews5 followers
January 1, 2020
I can't remember why I bought the book - it must have been a blog or FB post or podcast. In any case I heard about the book and got it immediately because, well to be quite vulnerable, I have been upset with God for awhile now and thought maybe this will help me forgive Him and reconcile my faith a bit too (don’t worry - I really am working on it).

This book is a memoir of the author’s pregnancy and life after her son’s birth. During the pregnancy they learned that her son would be born with a number of complications. She too had to reconcile her faith when things didn’t go the way she envisioned and the miracles that they prayed for did not happen. By the way, her son is a happy boy so even without the miracles they originally asked for - he is a miracle.

While this was a beautiful story, I expected a little more raw emotion. It’s not that the author didn’t share her heart, but it was still a little formal for me. It didn’t help me as much as I thought it would, but then again, this was her journey. Everyone has to work it out with God alone in the end I guess. And maybe that’s the point.
330 reviews2 followers
April 3, 2018
I'm sure when Hilary Yancey wrote this book she was probably not thinking, "I hope a lot of fifty something men read it." but I did. To be honest, I picked up the book because of it's title. Her publisher offered it to me as a blogger for review and so here it is. The title is something I have been dealing with in my speaking ministry for quite some time. The idea that there are people out there who need to forgive the perfect, sinless, God. Hilary Yancey explores this concept in ways far beyond what I considered and she does so masterfully. I really can't bring myself to say I liked this book. The subject matter is such that that would make me seem cold and heartless, as you'll see in a moment. What I will say instead is that I am really glad that I read this important book, and I highly recommend it, because it will challenge your thinking in ways I had not even considered.

Hilary Yancey writes this book around her pregnancy and the subsequent birth of her son Jackson. You see Jackson was born with cleft lip/palate, only one eye and one ear, needing a tracheotomy and a g button. She deals with her prayer life, her struggles when her prayers for a miracle went, in a sense, unanswered. She deals realistically with the struggle when God doesn't do things the way we think He should. Further she deals with her son and his "different kind of normal." She is a doctoral candidate in the area of philosophy and this really comes through in her writing, yet the book is very readable and accessible. She has challenged my thinking on so many subjects, from disability to God and I honestly feel like I am a little bit better as a person for having read this book.
Profile Image for Anita Yoder.
Author 7 books118 followers
April 20, 2019
Hillary's raw honesty kept me glued to the book. It's not kosher, in some circles, to admit so much rage and questioning directed at Jesus, but Hillary's heart is human and always oriented toward hope and light, even in intense darkness and storm.
I followed Preston's blog back before they were married, read when he fell in love with Hillary, and wrote his own memoir. Hillary's account here portrays a young, gifted, in-love couple bowed under sorrow, engaging with a Jesus they were learning to know in a new way.
I could not reckon with some of Hillary's disability theology, and why she considered Jack's condition to be ok, ("disabilities do not count as evidence of evil. They are merely differences.") but still wept for healing for him. Maybe that idea speaks of her journey and wrestling process, not so much a point where she still is. I believe the creation groans in pain until it will be restored and put to rights again, and disability is part of that groaning and brokenness. Until redemption, I believe God weeps with us. His heart is broken by the tears in every NICU unit. His presence in pain is what keeps me from despair, and what seems to have carried Hillary to where she is now.
Her book is never trite, and her lyrical, honest words will comfort others in deep sorrow.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Peter Verhoeven.
5 reviews1 follower
April 4, 2021
Raw and honest emotion drip off each page. Yancey pours her heart and soul out in a way few would dare to. She makes herself vulnerable for the sake of transparency, giving the reader an intimate look into her biggest fears and offering those in similar circumstances hope and comfort.

But my love for this book goes beyond the message, the beautifully written prose, and the themes of forgiveness and grace. It is personal for me. So much of what she experienced paralleled my own experiences caring for my young son who was diagnosed with Leukemia at age four. The diagnoses were very different, but the experiences with treatments, hospitals, medical staff, her fears and apprehensions of procedures, her anger with God, are all chapters from my own life. All these things resonated with me, bringing tears to my eyes as I remembered my own battles with such things.

We all have our battles to face, some big, some small. In either case, I think it's important to share those wins and losses with each other. The more we do, the more grace and compassion we'll be able to extend to one another. Thank-you, Hilary, for sharing your battle.
Profile Image for Paula White.
669 reviews17 followers
May 21, 2018
Audible

I heard Hilary’s story on a podcast, That Sounds Fun with Annie F Downs episode 76. This interview prompted me to buy the audible book read by the author.
Hilary’s voice adds a dimension to the story I’m not certain would have been evident in the hard copy. I felt her pain and her struggle with grieving loss vs. acceptance. I felt a sense of grief throughout, but perhaps that is because I am walking in a place of grieving loss of what I thought life would be like.

I wish Hilary had spent more detail describing her journey to forgiving God. Perhaps the struggle was the journey.

I dint find this uplifting but captivating just the same. I was drawn into her story, chapter after chapter. I kept telling myself perhaps this wasn’t a good time for me to listen to the sadness, yet a sliver of hope kept reappearing. I understood the prayers for healing, for holding on so tightly to the belief fingers had to be pried away.

Perhaps this is why I gave the book four stars, the connection, the beauty of her words, the vulnerability.

I recommend the audible version.
Profile Image for Michelle .
1,106 reviews35 followers
July 13, 2018
Forgiving God: A Story of Faith is a memoir by author Hilary Yancey. I wanted to read this memoir because my family has also grown in faith as our special needs children developed. I think the author wrote her memoir as an encouragement to other families with special needs children.

I learned that the pelican is a symbol of the love Jesus has for us because a pelican will pluck out her own breast to feed her children. A pelican will become food for the ones she loves.

I love the author’s quote about her son on page #146. “I don’t know much about what Jack’s life will be, and if I am honest, it is his to tell me what it is like, not mine to know.” This statement is so true no matter if we are talking about a special needs child or not. I also found it special to see that Jack and my son share the same birthday.

I recommend this book to readers with special needs children as an encouragement they are not alone.

Disclosure: “I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher and was under no obligation to post a positive review. The opinions expressed are my own.”
341 reviews2 followers
June 29, 2018
Forgiving God: A Story of Faith by Hilary Yancey is a moving story about faith, family, and God’s love. I enjoyed reading Yancey’s life story and getting to know more about Hilary, her husband, Preston, and her son, Jack. Yancey writes well, and though it is a nonfiction book, you still feel transported into her scenes. She is a powerful writer.

Forgiving God is a good story of the importance of human life, and it is a good story about prayer. It shows what little control we often have. Yancey and her husband faced challenges, and overcame those challenges, and I liked hearing their stories of Yancey’s pregnancy and Jack’s baby years. The book shows the worth of human life. It also reminds us how cruel the world and people can be, but that we should not fear, because we have a loving God. Forgiving God is a powerful, thought-provoking book.

I received this book for review.
Profile Image for Lauren.
10 reviews9 followers
August 20, 2018
It is unusual to come across a Christian memoir that doesn't gloss over the honest, even ugly truth of real thoughts and emotions in life's most challenging moments in favour of the more uplifting lesson learned or truth gleaned from the trial. Hilary Yancey doesn't gloss over anything. She is refreshingly and powerfully honest about her thoughts, feelings, and prayers. This book tells the story of a woman still in the middle of coming to term with her son's physical differences and the way his life impacts her own. I loved that there are no easy answers or pat assurances. Instead Hilary Yancey gives a glimpse into her journey and allows us to wrestle with big questions alongside her. A worthwhile and thought provoking read.
Profile Image for Holly M.
154 reviews4 followers
December 25, 2023
Beautifully written, raw, and real. Yet while there is much here I found good I also found it lacking in the end which is why 4 instead of 5 stars. Because, in the end, I think she resorts to the platitudes that she doesn't want. I also love that she spends time talking about disability and how she addresses it ( and I'd like to read the other books she mentions) but I felt like she went on a bit long for it in this book, felt like that should be part of another book. I loved that she was real and honest but I wanted more of it, more of the wrestling with God and more of how she found her way back before the wrap up. ........ This alongside Gorrell's "Gravity of Joy" and Held's "A Hole in the World" or "Holy Unhappiness" is a more full picture.
Profile Image for Kathy Rushing.
39 reviews
June 11, 2018
This book was recommended by an author/podcaster I enjoy (Emily P. Freeman). My faith journey has wandered in recent years—seems the more life you see, the more you realize that God is not a genie to be summoned by rubbing the magic lamp. Many prayers seem to fall on deaf ears, and yet I cannot let go of my belief that there is a loving Heavenly Father.

I was drawn into the Yancey’s story by Hillary’s beautiful prose. Her raw honesty was refreshing, even though her story isn’t tied up neatly with a bow. I truly am grateful to know that I’m not the only one flailing.
446 reviews
September 23, 2024
This is an honest and raw book, written like a journal in many ways, documenting the birth and life of the Yanceys' firstborn son. During pregnancy, they find out about disabilities that he will have, and they pray and believe that he will be healed. He is not healed; thus the title. In many ways, this is the story of Preston and Hilary's own healing and growth as parents of their son, Jack. Very engaging and personal, although, like a journal, the book tends to ramble back and forth in time.
Profile Image for Jean Amico.
16 reviews2 followers
May 27, 2018
An intimate look at a searching heart

I enjoyed reading your lovely thoughts. Seeing you grasp and release the control you thought you might have in your son’s health. Your words echoed my own struggles as my son’s condition worsened. This is a great book and I hope to see more from you.
Profile Image for Amber Dempsey.
32 reviews4 followers
September 29, 2019
So incredibly raw. This book vulnerably wrestles with the inconsistencies of firm belief and the terribly awkward place of feeling let down by your creator. A beautiful depiction and holy worldview of “disability”.
Profile Image for Carole Duff.
Author 2 books10 followers
June 11, 2023
Yancey’s unborn son had significant differences: clef palate, missing eye and ear, and misshaped jaw. Even though her faith wavered, her desire to birth Jackson never did. Heartbreaking, honest, and hopeful. I did wish to know more of the story as the family met Jackson’s challenges.
Profile Image for Katherine.
525 reviews6 followers
May 4, 2018
Hilary Yancey writes vulnerably and clearly about her experience of a high-risk pregnancy and the subsequent birth of her son Jack. Infused with compelling prose and moving insight, Forgiving God is a powerful memoir of faith and doubt.
Profile Image for Juliet Velo.
17 reviews
March 25, 2022
Truly beautiful and utterly heart-wrenching in the best way possible.
Profile Image for Sarah.
239 reviews12 followers
September 21, 2020
Rating changed to 5 stars on second read. Another review to follow later.

As a story about the pain of discovering that one's firstborn child is going to be born with severe physical disabilities and challenges, this is evocative and Yancey has a beautifully poetic 'voice' in her writing. However, this book wasn't especially powerful for me, partly because the author spent too much time in spiritual contemplation, and perhaps also because there was generally a lack of incident and personality in the few "characters" of the story. It could be this book was just written too soon into Hilary, Preston, and Jackson's story--perhaps due to the fact that Hilary and Preston are known as bloggers, authors, and social media influencers in the progressive Christian online world (admittedly, how I knew about them) and there's a slightly 'blog-y' feel to arc of the book.

What attracted me to the book was a question Hilary, a PhD student in philosophy, asks herself in chapter 3 as she thinks about "Socrates, Seneca, happiness and virtue, ... about the questions of air and water, fire, flux, and change, the foundation of all things and what it means to live well" and about how "the story of Jackson's first summer would be a story of philosophy, about searching out of wisdom": "Who was I to think that God could still call me to do philosophy when I was expecting Jack, a baby with disabilities who might need help breathing? Who was I to think that God could call me to a motherhood that contained anything additional, anything like the life I had been living before...?" That's what fascinates me about Hilary--the merge of lived-experience with thought-experience and while there were some fascinating hints of that in the book, both the intellectual and narrative elements of the book felt more like treading water when there's a whole swimming pool to explore.

For instance, Hilary thinks, "If one could be Christian and Epicurean I would want to be." Why does it have to be either/or? Why can't it be both/and? I think that later in the book, especially through the philosophy of Elizabeth Barnes, Hilary comes to a more both/and view of disability and pain. That is what makes the book a worthwhile contribution to questions of theodicy, disability, and the good life.

A sentence I loved: "I decided to stop being afraid that philosophy would show me up, best me, and I started to want it to. Slowly I wanted to be bested by the best thoughts of other people; I wanted to come up against an idea and grapple with it, struggle to understand it, struggle to fit it into the world."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Leilani Mueller.
3 reviews6 followers
May 5, 2019
Hilary Yancey’s memoir invites the reader into a conversation about love in the midst of disappointment. With evocative detail, Hilary welcomes the reader into the NICU and into her life as she becomes Jackson’s mom. Jackson was born with complications that led to his young life beginning with a lengthy NICU stay, a feeding tube and a trach.

It’s a book about relationships. It’s about Hilary’s relationship with God, and her husband, and Jack. It’s about her relationship with philosophy, the NICU, and theology. And it is about her relationship with a young mom’s dreams rearranged after a devastating ultrasound and a miracle that didn’t happen. But more than that it is an honest, beautiful depiction of a young-woman who like Jacob wrestled with God—and coming away with the hurt of that experience and the promise of something not even dreamed about.

I recommend this beautiful story of faith being tested.
Profile Image for Joan.
140 reviews
August 21, 2019
Full disclosure: I received a free e-galley from the publisher through NetGalley. My opinions are my own.

When Mrs. Yancey was 3 months pregnant with her first child, he was diagnosed with several physical disabilities. She and her husband, as well as, many of their family members and friends prayed for a miraculous healing. She tells of the days in the NICU and the trips to the ER, all of this while working on her PhD in Philosophy. Yancey is very honest in the wrestling of her faith.


Recommended for public libraries and academic libraries with Christianity collections. Fellow parents could also benefit from reading this book after an unexpected diagnosis.
Profile Image for Lisabeth.
245 reviews3 followers
May 11, 2018
Thanks to Netgalley, the publisher. and the author for allowing me to read and review a digital copy of this book. I know Hilary Yancey didn't write Forgiving God: A Story of Faith just for me. But there were plenty of times while I was reading it that I felt like she did. Her story is different from mine, different from most of our stories, but as she writes about her pregnancy and early days with a baby who has multiple, complex medical problems, I felt like I was walking with her through the experience.
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