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Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers
What constitutes a valid marriage? How should you go about finding a spouse? Is there a purpose to engagement? Why, and under what circumstances, does God permit divorce? Is abuse a ground for divorce? When is remarriage advisable? When it comes to counseling related to marriage, remarriage, and divorce, the questions and issues can be especially complex. But we can turn confidently to the Word of God for answers, knowing that it will speak to every situation with profound wisdom. Drawing on decades of marriage counseling experience, Newheiser explores questions relating to marriage―unpacking the answers given in God’s Word. This useful reference work for pastors or counselors can also be read straight through for a scriptural overview of the topic or assigned in small sections to counselees.
336 pages, Paperback
Published July 31, 2017
103 people are currently reading
231 people want to read
About the author
Jim Newheiser
27 books13 followersJim Newheiser, DMin, Westminster Theological Seminary, California, has served in pastoral ministry and has practiced biblical counseling for over thirty years. He is the Director of the Christian Counseling Program at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte and the Executive Director of IBCD. He is an ACBC Fellow and board member.
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November 15, 2023I'm glad I'm married to Anne Michal and not some clown
April 7, 2021
A helpful book.
September 21, 2022
This book is by far one of the most easy to read and one that best describes marriage biblically. You will learn what Marriage means to God, how to live out your role as husband/wife. Truly changed how I view submission and leadership and marriage in general. How to view divorce and remarriage in a biblical way, just overall amazing to have and reference from.
August 10, 2025
The first half of this book made me profoundly thankful be married to Emily. God has blessed me tremendously through her and I just really enjoy life with her.
As the second half shifted towards the topic of divorce and remarriage, it is an absolutely heavy read, but worth it. It’s deepened my compassion for those who have faced extraordinary difficulty in these areas. Newheiser does an excellent job of navigating these complex waters with clarity and biblical conviction.
I have a strong appreciation for his insistence that scripture be the foundation for all 40 questions addressed. On topics that there is room for disagreement between believers, he cleanly presents the alternative views and presents them in their best light before offering fair critiques.
Given the concise format, some questions feel only partially answered. Each chapter ends with discussion questions - some of which are addressed in the chapter, while others serve as a springboard into deeper conversations with pastors and other believers. While I get the intent, I thought many of these springboard questions were weighty and pervasive enough to warrant chapters of their own.
As the second half shifted towards the topic of divorce and remarriage, it is an absolutely heavy read, but worth it. It’s deepened my compassion for those who have faced extraordinary difficulty in these areas. Newheiser does an excellent job of navigating these complex waters with clarity and biblical conviction.
I have a strong appreciation for his insistence that scripture be the foundation for all 40 questions addressed. On topics that there is room for disagreement between believers, he cleanly presents the alternative views and presents them in their best light before offering fair critiques.
Given the concise format, some questions feel only partially answered. Each chapter ends with discussion questions - some of which are addressed in the chapter, while others serve as a springboard into deeper conversations with pastors and other believers. While I get the intent, I thought many of these springboard questions were weighty and pervasive enough to warrant chapters of their own.
May 22, 2024
This book is exactly what the title suggests: an analytical viewpoint on the Biblical study of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. It covers the gambit of each topic, from polygamy to engagement to conflicts within marriage to Biblically grounded reasons for divorce and remarriage. Each chapter is short, easy to read, and packed with Biblical detail. Newheiser is fantastic when it comes to giving the reader what the Bible says, unpacking each interpreation of Biblical texts, and fairly comparing the different interpretations to each other. It is hard to find a writer who presents his material in such an unbiased way, wanting only to explain what the Bible says and what the best interpretation should be based on what the Bible says. I recommend this book to anyone, whether married or unmarried as these topics will be pertinent to every believer. I highly valued my read of this book, and I think this will go into my lists of books that should be read by every Christian.
August 19, 2021
This is a terrific book to use as a reference, or to read cover-to-cover. His writing style is very accessible and clear. I'm tempted to use the first part of the book ("Part 1: Marriage") as a tool for pre-marital counseling.
The book is comprehensive. It's hard to imagine situations arising which have not been somehow
dealt with in this volume. As such it is a go-to reference for Bible-believing pastors and counselors.
Newheiser is also relentlessly biblical, and makes it clear when he's just offering an opinion as opposed to a clear biblical principle. He is very even-handed and gracious to those scholars who disagree with his interpretations of the texts. For instance, when it comes to the exception clause, he very faithfully represents and interacts with the arguments of those who see no exception at all.
The book is organized in two major sections broken into seven segments:
Part 1: Marriage
A. The Foundations of Marriage
B. Entering into Marriage
C. Having a Successful Marriage
D. Challenges in Marriage
Part 2: Divorce and Remarriage
A. The Foundations of Divorce and Remarriage
B. Divorce and Remarriage Controversies
C. Practical Questions
Each of the forty chapters are titled in the form of a question (for example, chapter 12 is entitled, "What are the responsibilities of a husband"). This format enables Newheiser to deal very concisely with the particular issue. In my opinion, the expectations raised by the chapter titles are fulfilled by the content.
Newheiser has made an outstanding and important contribution to the biblical counseling movement with this book. Five stars, highly recommended.
The book is comprehensive. It's hard to imagine situations arising which have not been somehow
dealt with in this volume. As such it is a go-to reference for Bible-believing pastors and counselors.
Newheiser is also relentlessly biblical, and makes it clear when he's just offering an opinion as opposed to a clear biblical principle. He is very even-handed and gracious to those scholars who disagree with his interpretations of the texts. For instance, when it comes to the exception clause, he very faithfully represents and interacts with the arguments of those who see no exception at all.
The book is organized in two major sections broken into seven segments:
Part 1: Marriage
A. The Foundations of Marriage
B. Entering into Marriage
C. Having a Successful Marriage
D. Challenges in Marriage
Part 2: Divorce and Remarriage
A. The Foundations of Divorce and Remarriage
B. Divorce and Remarriage Controversies
C. Practical Questions
Each of the forty chapters are titled in the form of a question (for example, chapter 12 is entitled, "What are the responsibilities of a husband"). This format enables Newheiser to deal very concisely with the particular issue. In my opinion, the expectations raised by the chapter titles are fulfilled by the content.
Newheiser has made an outstanding and important contribution to the biblical counseling movement with this book. Five stars, highly recommended.
March 12, 2018
A comprehensive Q&A with an experienced Christian counselor, covering everything from courting to conflict resolution to divorce and remarriage. Most people will probably pick up this book because of the words "divorce" and "remarriage" (TL;DR divorce for adultery and desertion, remarriage for valid divorces, prevarication on the topic of abuse), and on these topics Newheiser writes with a refreshing compassion and hope, urging God-empowered reconciliation where possible but acknowledging the thorniness of our fallen world. There is much helpful material here, and the breadth of coverage is excellent. The main weakness is the Q&A format itself, which lends itself to repetition and a superficial treatment of the key texts, which becomes increasingly disappointing as the book progresses. A good overview to have on the shelf, but not a go-to reference book from my perspective.
February 26, 2021
Newheiser has written an excellent book. He surveys the biblical teachings about the titular topics with cogency, grace, sensitivity, humility, and wisdom. I found myself in almost perfect agreement with him (I would be more ready to counsel divorce in cases of spousal abuse, but this is not to say that his position on the issue is weak by any means). He represented those with whom he disagrees with fairness, giving all credit due their biblical arguments.
The organization of the book is very helpful, allowing for use as reference material for counseling, which would be an excellent use of the work. However, it's also entirely worth reading from cover to cover.
The organization of the book is very helpful, allowing for use as reference material for counseling, which would be an excellent use of the work. However, it's also entirely worth reading from cover to cover.
February 21, 2019
This is the most comprehensive treatment of marriage (and everything related) that I have ever read, addressing: engagement, dating/courting, divorce and remarriage, homosexuality, cohabitation, polygamy; determining if it is God’s will for one to marry, who to marry, how to find a spouse; how to strengthen, protect, improve communication, resolve conflict, correct, resolve sexual problems and answer several other questions Biblically–some very controversial. This is a resource that every person should read–especially Pastors and Biblical counselors.
June 27, 2021
Vivimos en un mundo caído y como creyentes a veces se nos olvida que esto también afecta directamente nuestras relaciones. El matrimonio, divorcio y nuevo matrimonio es un excelente recurso para todos en la iglesia, tanto solteros, casados (bajo cualquier circunstancia), divorciados o viudos. La perspectiva bíblica que aborda Jim, permite comprender de una manera clara un tema tan complejo y delicado.
Resalto que ha sido escrito con un corazón pastoral y lo súper recomiendo!👏
Resalto que ha sido escrito con un corazón pastoral y lo súper recomiendo!👏
April 10, 2021
Overall, this should be a helpful resource for years to come. Very thorough and comprehensive.
There are places in the book where Newheiser assumes more than he should in making a declaration on a question. Additionally, there are a handful of times where he plays loose with a Scriptural context in using a passage for his own purpose.
There are places in the book where Newheiser assumes more than he should in making a declaration on a question. Additionally, there are a handful of times where he plays loose with a Scriptural context in using a passage for his own purpose.
July 11, 2022
Exhaustive and helpful. Useful as a reference tool or as a read-through text alike. I do wish Newheiser had made more firm statements on certain issues, but he left many hard cases open to the conscience and church guidance (example: whether an abuse victim is considered biblically abandoned by the spouse and free to divorce).
November 8, 2025
Some chapters are great. I am disappointed he changed his view on abuse, divorce, and remarriage between editions. It moved to the left and seems the culture is driving the change. The exegesis on that issue is weak. He is no longer a true Erasmian. Wouldn’t give the book out now because of it.
March 18, 2023
Extremely helpful resource in regards to any questions about dating, marriage, divorce, and remarriage. The section about dating and finding your future spouse were especially good- I’ll likely share them with friends I have who are currently in that season.
December 16, 2017
James Newheiser is the Director of the Christian Counseling Program and Associate Professor of Christian Counseling and Practical Theology at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, North Carolina. Newheiser received an M.A. and D.Min. from Westminster Seminary California and is the author of numerous publications, including both 1 and 2 Samuel in the Opening Up series and Parenting is More than a Formula. Most recently, Newheiser has written a comprehensive and practical work on the subjects of marriage, divorce, and remarriage that draws upon decades of counseling and marital experience.
Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers explores the complexities and intricacies of marriage, divorce, and remarriage from a biblical worldview perspective. The question and answer format of the book appropriately complements the content found therein. Newheiser devotes the initial half of the book to questions concerning the biblical foundations of marriage, entering into marriage, having a successful marriage, and challenges in marriage. Most readers will appreciate Newheiser’s engagement in this section, which is saturated with biblical insight and practical wisdom. The second half of the book is dedicated to more divisive matters of divorce and remarriage, and readers will likely approach the subject matter with existing opinions on both. Newheiser graciously navigates through rather thorny questions with a keen and informed awareness of the often unique and personal sensitivity of such situations. Newheiser’s answers are seasoned with experience and practically applied as the Scriptures are unpacked.
The comprehensive scope of Newheiser’s engagement in Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers is impressive. Readers actively engaged in marital counseling, either lay or professional, will appreciate the candidness of the subject matter as Newheiser does much to provide biblical insight into questions of divorce and grounds for divorce, responsibility of husbands and wives, issues concerning polygamy, same-sex marriage, spousal abuse victims, and more. I found the engagement to be both up-to-date with current cultural movements and richly informed by the biblical testimony concerning the sanctity of the marriage union. I also found Newheiser to be extremely accessible and sensitive when discussing complex issues. Lastly, I found the question and answer format of the book to be really rewarding, and look forward to using it in the future for both counseling and teaching.
Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers by James Newheiser is easily the most thorough and comprehensive work on the market dealing with marriage, divorce, and remarriage from a biblical worldview perspective. Newheiser offers pastors and counselors decades of experience and biblical insight. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage is established biblically and applied properly to the real world. I cannot think of a resource worthier of being on the pastor’s shelf than Newheiser’s new book. It comes strongly recommended and will be used often.
Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers explores the complexities and intricacies of marriage, divorce, and remarriage from a biblical worldview perspective. The question and answer format of the book appropriately complements the content found therein. Newheiser devotes the initial half of the book to questions concerning the biblical foundations of marriage, entering into marriage, having a successful marriage, and challenges in marriage. Most readers will appreciate Newheiser’s engagement in this section, which is saturated with biblical insight and practical wisdom. The second half of the book is dedicated to more divisive matters of divorce and remarriage, and readers will likely approach the subject matter with existing opinions on both. Newheiser graciously navigates through rather thorny questions with a keen and informed awareness of the often unique and personal sensitivity of such situations. Newheiser’s answers are seasoned with experience and practically applied as the Scriptures are unpacked.
The comprehensive scope of Newheiser’s engagement in Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers is impressive. Readers actively engaged in marital counseling, either lay or professional, will appreciate the candidness of the subject matter as Newheiser does much to provide biblical insight into questions of divorce and grounds for divorce, responsibility of husbands and wives, issues concerning polygamy, same-sex marriage, spousal abuse victims, and more. I found the engagement to be both up-to-date with current cultural movements and richly informed by the biblical testimony concerning the sanctity of the marriage union. I also found Newheiser to be extremely accessible and sensitive when discussing complex issues. Lastly, I found the question and answer format of the book to be really rewarding, and look forward to using it in the future for both counseling and teaching.
Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers by James Newheiser is easily the most thorough and comprehensive work on the market dealing with marriage, divorce, and remarriage from a biblical worldview perspective. Newheiser offers pastors and counselors decades of experience and biblical insight. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage is established biblically and applied properly to the real world. I cannot think of a resource worthier of being on the pastor’s shelf than Newheiser’s new book. It comes strongly recommended and will be used often.
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October 6, 2021Matrimonio, divorcio y nuevo matrimonio es un excelente recurso para consejeros: pastores, líderes, o miembros de una iglesia que guían a otros en temas relacionados con el matrimonio.
Este libro es diferente de dos maneras a otros recursos para la consejería matrimonial. Primero, a pesar de que el autor fundamenta sus ideas en las Escrituras, el libro no provee largos argumentos teológicos con citas bíblicas para probar cada respuesta. Newheiser va al punto y provee una respuesta corta y sucinta a cada una de las 40 preguntas, usando uno o dos versículos de referencia. Segundo, ya que no es un libro académico, el autor se enfoca en respuestas prácticas y aplicadas a la vida diaria. Esto tiene dos beneficios. El libro es muy fácil de leer (ya sea completo o como referencia) y sus enseñanzas se pueden aplicar de inmediato a la vida diaria.
Lee la reseña completa en Coalición por el Evangelio.
Este libro es diferente de dos maneras a otros recursos para la consejería matrimonial. Primero, a pesar de que el autor fundamenta sus ideas en las Escrituras, el libro no provee largos argumentos teológicos con citas bíblicas para probar cada respuesta. Newheiser va al punto y provee una respuesta corta y sucinta a cada una de las 40 preguntas, usando uno o dos versículos de referencia. Segundo, ya que no es un libro académico, el autor se enfoca en respuestas prácticas y aplicadas a la vida diaria. Esto tiene dos beneficios. El libro es muy fácil de leer (ya sea completo o como referencia) y sus enseñanzas se pueden aplicar de inmediato a la vida diaria.
Lee la reseña completa en Coalición por el Evangelio.
September 19, 2017
A really thorough (but readable!) treatment on a each of these three topics (marriage, divorce, remarriage) structured as 40 different Q&As. I loved the shorter chapters, and how the author covered so many different, common questions. He shared differing viewpoints while still giving his POV (though there were a few that he really had to defer to wisdom and a local church's oversight). Highly recommend!
October 17, 2018
This is now the go-to volume on my shelf for a theologically sound resource on marriage and especially issues related to divorce and remarriage. The first half deals with the biblical teaching on marriage, examined across a number of fundamental questions. The second half does the same thing but over issues of divorce and remarriage. On a leadership note, our elders are using the second half as discussion fodder for our upcoming elders retreat.
August 5, 2019
Go-to volume on everything related to marriage, divorce, and remarriage. A must have for anyone in pastoral ministry.
January 22, 2025
Helpful, practical answers about the Bible's teachings on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. It doesn't only give answers to 40 questions; it also teaches how to use the Bible to think about such questions. The 1st half is about marriage (biblical foundations, considerations before marriage, having a successful marriage, and resolving challenges). The 2nd half is about divorce and remarriage (biblical foundations, controversies, practical questions). Each chapter ends with questions for reflection.
Newheiser believes divorce and remarriage are allowed only in cases of unrepentant adultery (Mt 19:9) and abandonment by unbeliever (1 Cor 7:15). This has been the majority view of Protestants since Reformation, and is taught in Westminster Confession 24. It's sometimes called the Erasmian view. Newheiser believes that in rare, extreme cases, abuse can fit in category of abandonment.
Newheiser also presents alternative perspectives, and evaluates them based on the Bible.
Notes
How Can You Know Whether It Is God’s Will For You To Get Married?
Each single person may choose whether to get married, based on their gifts and desires (1 Cor 7:8-9, 28, 35-39). For most people, it's best to get married, because of sexual urges, and because we're incomplete without a mate (Gen 2:18).
Bible doesn't say people who are gifted to be single lack desire for sex and companionship; it says they can be content being single, and keep sexual desire under control. They opt to be single to better serve God (1 Cor 7:32).
When Does a Couple Need Help Resolving Their Conflicts?
Counselors: Biblical Counseling Coalition (BCC), Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF), Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
How Can Couples Resolve Sexual Problems
Viewing porn and self-gratification (masturbation) are lust (Matt 5:27-28; 2 Tim 1:22; Lev 18:23, 20:15-16).
How Does the Bible Address the Tough Questions About Sex?
Bible doesn't require us to have as many children as physically possible. Couple has freedom to time or limit children through non-abortive birth/conception control in certain circumstances (wife's health would be endangered by pregnancy, or couple's physical or financial capacity has been reached).
The Foundations of Divorce and Remarriage
Those who've divorced without biblical grounds sin if they remarry someone else (Mt 19:9).
If believer divorces fellow believer without biblical grounds, they're not free to remarry someone else (1 Cor 7:10-11).
What Is Divorce?
Remarriage is expected after divorce (Deut 24). All 1st-century Jews permitted divorce in certain cases, and Jewish divorce always included right to remarry. Jewish bills of divorce included statement, "You are free to marry any Jewish man." When Jesus spoke of divorce, he assumed remarriage (Mt 5:31-32).
Bible doesn't explicitly address legal separation. It's problematic, as it separates what God has joined (Mt 19:6), and involves believers going to court against each other (1 Cor 6:1-8).
Why Does God Permit Divorce?
Prohibition of 1st husband to remarry wife (Deut 24:1-4) may have been to protect wife, to make husband take divorce decision seriously.
Does Scripture Teach That Sexual Sin is a Valid Ground for Divorce and Remarriage?
Sexual sin is such severe violation of marriage covenant that it gives innocent spouse grounds for divorce and remarriage.
Marriage covenant isn't unbreakable; sin can break it. Mt 9:6 says people shouldn't break it, not that they can't break it (Mt 19:8). One-flesh relationships aren't always permanent (1 Cor 6:16). When Jesus discussed sinful divorces and remarriages, He referred to them as truly divorced and truly remarried (Mt 19:9; Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18).
"Porneia" (a broad word for sexual sin) breaks marriage covenant (Mt 5:32; 19:9). "Porneia" here refers to adulterous sexual immorality (not fornication during betrothal or something else), seen by context of Mt 19:9 being divorce and remarriage, texts Jesus refers to (Gen 1-2; Deut 24) being about marriage, God having divorced Israel for adultery (Jer 3:8; Isa 50:1), and Jewish debates about grounds for divorce at that time.
In NT, innocent party has right to divorce and remarry because in OT, adulterer was to be killed (Lev 20:10; Deut 22:22), which would free innocent party to remarry.
Texts that don't mention exception (Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18) give general rules. Sometimes Bible gives general rules in one place, and exceptions in another (e.g., Mt 5:22; Mk 3:5; Jn 2:15-17). Jesus' hearers would've assumed exception for sexual immorality from OT (including God's divorce of Israel) and Jewish practice at time.
If Mt 5:32; 19:9 grant right to divorce but not remarry, that would be fundamental change in meaning of divorce, but it isn't presented that way. Also, grammatical structure shows exception applies to both divorce and remarriage.
Is Abandonment by an Unbeliever a Valid Ground for Divorce and Remarriage?
Since innocent party may remarry in case of sexual immorality, it's reasonable to assume innocent party abandoned by unbeliever may also remarry.
"Duoloo" 1 Cor 7:15 is similar to "deo" in 1 Cor 7:39, so 1 Cor 7:15 may be saying when unbeliever abandons believer, it's as if unbeliever has died.
Jewish and Greco-Roman divorce bills allowed divorcees to remarry.
"Released" in 1 Cor 7:27-28 contains same root as "not under bondage" in 1 Cor 7:15, suggesting someone properly released from spouse is free to remarry.
If professing Christian abandons believing spouse, innocent party may not initiate divorce or remarriage (1 Cor 7:10-11), but church must discipline deserter (Mt 18:15-20). If they don't repent, they're to be treated as unbeliever (Mt 18:17). Then innocent party has been abandoned by unbeliever, and is free to divorce and remarry (1 Cor 7:15).
Jesus didn't address this exception because situation of converts to Christianity being abandoned by their unbelieving spouses arose later, in early Church.
Are Divorced People Still Married in God's Eyes?
Deut 24:1-4 wouldn't forbid original husband and wife from remarrying each other if they had still been married in God's eyes all along. They are really divorced and really remarried, though original divorce was unbiblical. Mt 5:32; 19:9; Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18 imply that people are really divorced and remarried, though their divorce is unbiblical and adulterous.
People who are unbiblically divorced aren't free to remarry; they must remain unmarried or reconcile to former spouse (1 Cor 7:10-11).
What Sexual Sins Constitute Grounds for Divorce?
If spouse relentlessly pursues sexual sin through porn and/or masturbation without apology or effort to change, and ignores spouse sexually, this may be considered abandonment, and grounds for divorce.
Rare, extreme cases of lust may be considered "porneia," and grounds for divorce.
What Constitutes Abandonment by an Unbelieving Spouse?
Basic duties of husband include providing food, clothing, conjugal rights, and woman could be freed from husband who refused to provide these (Ex 21:10-11). So, if spouse refuses to fulfill basic marital duties, other spouse may be free to divorce.
Ask, "What can be done to heal marriage?" before asking, "Are there grounds for divorce?"
Be extremely careful in labeling activity as abandonment, because once definition of abandonment is expanded, almost any failure to keep marriage covenant could be used as excuse for divorce.
Is Abuse Grounds for Divorce?
Newheiser would be reluctant to tell verbally abused spouse they have right to divorce, but would say they have right to escape abusing spouse, at least temporarily.
Extreme cases of abuse may qualify as abandonment, because abusing spouse is forcing abused spouse to leave.
One option is for abused spouse to live separately from abusing spouse, hoping God will bring abusing spouse to repentance (1 Cor 7:10-11). Newheiser wouldn't exercise church discipline against abused spouse for divorcing after long period of waiting for abusing spouse to repent.
Is It Biblical for a Married Couple to Separate Without Divorcing?
If spouses separate without filing for divorce or legal separation, they're failing to fulfill God's designs for marriage, and in breach of their covenant promises.
Bible doesn't include concept of separation as something different than divorce.
Separation is a refusal to resolve problems. Couple should seek godly counsel instead.
Brief separation (hours or days) may be appropriate if there's risk of verbal or physical abuse. This time should be used to pray, study Bible, get godly counsel, and prepare to reconcile.
There may be cases where a spouse who has grounds for divorce chooses to physically separate and/or file for legal separation, to give guilty party time to repent.
Separation in 1 Cor 7:11 may refer to cases where there aren't clear-cut grounds for divorce, but situation is bad enough that church leaders are reluctant to discipline innocent party for separating or divorcing, but don't allow remarriage.
Who Decides Whether a Divorce or Remarriage is Valid?
Believers should normally submit to both civil and church authority, but there may be unusual cases where a believer exercises a biblical, God-given freedom that's contrary to rules of church or state.
When Is Remarriage Advisable?
Person who divorced without biblical grounds should be reconciled to former spouse (1 Cor 7:11). If former spouse refuses, there may in time be valid grounds for divorce and remarriage.
If innocent party remarries, that precludes reconciliation with guilty party, so guilty party may then remarry.
If both spouses commit adultery, they should repent and reconcile. If this is impossible, both spouses may divorce and remarry.
Some say believer may not remarry their unbelieving former spouse, as believers may not marry unbelievers (1 Cor 7:39; 1 Cor 9:5). Believer may remain single and wait for unbeliever to repent and believe. Others say these spouses may remarry, as marriage should've never been broken (Mt 19:9).
Some think Deut 24:1-4 still applies today, though most think it applies to a particular OT situation, and no longer applies. Newheiser is uneasy about encouraging remarriage in this situation.
What Should Be Done If Someone Has Divorced and/or Remarried Improperly?
Majority of scholars believe that once a new marriage has taken place, it should be respected, not broken up (which would cause more sinful divorces and adulterous remarriages) (1 Cor 7:20).
Adultery in Mk 10:11-12 is in present tense, and most likely refers to single act of unbiblical remarriage; remarried couple isn't committing continuous adultery.
How Should the Church Treat Those Who Have Divorced and Remarried?
Qualification of elder and deacon to be a "one-woman man" (1 Tim 3:2, 12; Titus 1:6) doesn't mean married only once in a lifetime; Paul encourages remarriage after spouse has died (1 Cor 7:39; 1 Tim 5:14). Purpose is likely to disqualify adulterers, and maybe to disqualify polygamists. Qualification is primarily about man's present character and status, not about past (though that may be relevant). A man who was a drunkard, quarrelsome, or greedy in the past isn't disqualified if they're no longer those things.
Newheiser believes divorce and remarriage are allowed only in cases of unrepentant adultery (Mt 19:9) and abandonment by unbeliever (1 Cor 7:15). This has been the majority view of Protestants since Reformation, and is taught in Westminster Confession 24. It's sometimes called the Erasmian view. Newheiser believes that in rare, extreme cases, abuse can fit in category of abandonment.
Newheiser also presents alternative perspectives, and evaluates them based on the Bible.
Notes
How Can You Know Whether It Is God’s Will For You To Get Married?
Each single person may choose whether to get married, based on their gifts and desires (1 Cor 7:8-9, 28, 35-39). For most people, it's best to get married, because of sexual urges, and because we're incomplete without a mate (Gen 2:18).
Bible doesn't say people who are gifted to be single lack desire for sex and companionship; it says they can be content being single, and keep sexual desire under control. They opt to be single to better serve God (1 Cor 7:32).
When Does a Couple Need Help Resolving Their Conflicts?
Counselors: Biblical Counseling Coalition (BCC), Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF), Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
How Can Couples Resolve Sexual Problems
Viewing porn and self-gratification (masturbation) are lust (Matt 5:27-28; 2 Tim 1:22; Lev 18:23, 20:15-16).
How Does the Bible Address the Tough Questions About Sex?
Bible doesn't require us to have as many children as physically possible. Couple has freedom to time or limit children through non-abortive birth/conception control in certain circumstances (wife's health would be endangered by pregnancy, or couple's physical or financial capacity has been reached).
The Foundations of Divorce and Remarriage
Those who've divorced without biblical grounds sin if they remarry someone else (Mt 19:9).
If believer divorces fellow believer without biblical grounds, they're not free to remarry someone else (1 Cor 7:10-11).
What Is Divorce?
Remarriage is expected after divorce (Deut 24). All 1st-century Jews permitted divorce in certain cases, and Jewish divorce always included right to remarry. Jewish bills of divorce included statement, "You are free to marry any Jewish man." When Jesus spoke of divorce, he assumed remarriage (Mt 5:31-32).
Bible doesn't explicitly address legal separation. It's problematic, as it separates what God has joined (Mt 19:6), and involves believers going to court against each other (1 Cor 6:1-8).
Why Does God Permit Divorce?
Prohibition of 1st husband to remarry wife (Deut 24:1-4) may have been to protect wife, to make husband take divorce decision seriously.
Does Scripture Teach That Sexual Sin is a Valid Ground for Divorce and Remarriage?
Sexual sin is such severe violation of marriage covenant that it gives innocent spouse grounds for divorce and remarriage.
Marriage covenant isn't unbreakable; sin can break it. Mt 9:6 says people shouldn't break it, not that they can't break it (Mt 19:8). One-flesh relationships aren't always permanent (1 Cor 6:16). When Jesus discussed sinful divorces and remarriages, He referred to them as truly divorced and truly remarried (Mt 19:9; Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18).
"Porneia" (a broad word for sexual sin) breaks marriage covenant (Mt 5:32; 19:9). "Porneia" here refers to adulterous sexual immorality (not fornication during betrothal or something else), seen by context of Mt 19:9 being divorce and remarriage, texts Jesus refers to (Gen 1-2; Deut 24) being about marriage, God having divorced Israel for adultery (Jer 3:8; Isa 50:1), and Jewish debates about grounds for divorce at that time.
In NT, innocent party has right to divorce and remarry because in OT, adulterer was to be killed (Lev 20:10; Deut 22:22), which would free innocent party to remarry.
Texts that don't mention exception (Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18) give general rules. Sometimes Bible gives general rules in one place, and exceptions in another (e.g., Mt 5:22; Mk 3:5; Jn 2:15-17). Jesus' hearers would've assumed exception for sexual immorality from OT (including God's divorce of Israel) and Jewish practice at time.
If Mt 5:32; 19:9 grant right to divorce but not remarry, that would be fundamental change in meaning of divorce, but it isn't presented that way. Also, grammatical structure shows exception applies to both divorce and remarriage.
Is Abandonment by an Unbeliever a Valid Ground for Divorce and Remarriage?
Since innocent party may remarry in case of sexual immorality, it's reasonable to assume innocent party abandoned by unbeliever may also remarry.
"Duoloo" 1 Cor 7:15 is similar to "deo" in 1 Cor 7:39, so 1 Cor 7:15 may be saying when unbeliever abandons believer, it's as if unbeliever has died.
Jewish and Greco-Roman divorce bills allowed divorcees to remarry.
"Released" in 1 Cor 7:27-28 contains same root as "not under bondage" in 1 Cor 7:15, suggesting someone properly released from spouse is free to remarry.
If professing Christian abandons believing spouse, innocent party may not initiate divorce or remarriage (1 Cor 7:10-11), but church must discipline deserter (Mt 18:15-20). If they don't repent, they're to be treated as unbeliever (Mt 18:17). Then innocent party has been abandoned by unbeliever, and is free to divorce and remarry (1 Cor 7:15).
Jesus didn't address this exception because situation of converts to Christianity being abandoned by their unbelieving spouses arose later, in early Church.
Are Divorced People Still Married in God's Eyes?
Deut 24:1-4 wouldn't forbid original husband and wife from remarrying each other if they had still been married in God's eyes all along. They are really divorced and really remarried, though original divorce was unbiblical. Mt 5:32; 19:9; Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18 imply that people are really divorced and remarried, though their divorce is unbiblical and adulterous.
People who are unbiblically divorced aren't free to remarry; they must remain unmarried or reconcile to former spouse (1 Cor 7:10-11).
What Sexual Sins Constitute Grounds for Divorce?
If spouse relentlessly pursues sexual sin through porn and/or masturbation without apology or effort to change, and ignores spouse sexually, this may be considered abandonment, and grounds for divorce.
Rare, extreme cases of lust may be considered "porneia," and grounds for divorce.
What Constitutes Abandonment by an Unbelieving Spouse?
Basic duties of husband include providing food, clothing, conjugal rights, and woman could be freed from husband who refused to provide these (Ex 21:10-11). So, if spouse refuses to fulfill basic marital duties, other spouse may be free to divorce.
Ask, "What can be done to heal marriage?" before asking, "Are there grounds for divorce?"
Be extremely careful in labeling activity as abandonment, because once definition of abandonment is expanded, almost any failure to keep marriage covenant could be used as excuse for divorce.
Is Abuse Grounds for Divorce?
Newheiser would be reluctant to tell verbally abused spouse they have right to divorce, but would say they have right to escape abusing spouse, at least temporarily.
Extreme cases of abuse may qualify as abandonment, because abusing spouse is forcing abused spouse to leave.
One option is for abused spouse to live separately from abusing spouse, hoping God will bring abusing spouse to repentance (1 Cor 7:10-11). Newheiser wouldn't exercise church discipline against abused spouse for divorcing after long period of waiting for abusing spouse to repent.
Is It Biblical for a Married Couple to Separate Without Divorcing?
If spouses separate without filing for divorce or legal separation, they're failing to fulfill God's designs for marriage, and in breach of their covenant promises.
Bible doesn't include concept of separation as something different than divorce.
Separation is a refusal to resolve problems. Couple should seek godly counsel instead.
Brief separation (hours or days) may be appropriate if there's risk of verbal or physical abuse. This time should be used to pray, study Bible, get godly counsel, and prepare to reconcile.
There may be cases where a spouse who has grounds for divorce chooses to physically separate and/or file for legal separation, to give guilty party time to repent.
Separation in 1 Cor 7:11 may refer to cases where there aren't clear-cut grounds for divorce, but situation is bad enough that church leaders are reluctant to discipline innocent party for separating or divorcing, but don't allow remarriage.
Who Decides Whether a Divorce or Remarriage is Valid?
Believers should normally submit to both civil and church authority, but there may be unusual cases where a believer exercises a biblical, God-given freedom that's contrary to rules of church or state.
When Is Remarriage Advisable?
Person who divorced without biblical grounds should be reconciled to former spouse (1 Cor 7:11). If former spouse refuses, there may in time be valid grounds for divorce and remarriage.
If innocent party remarries, that precludes reconciliation with guilty party, so guilty party may then remarry.
If both spouses commit adultery, they should repent and reconcile. If this is impossible, both spouses may divorce and remarry.
Some say believer may not remarry their unbelieving former spouse, as believers may not marry unbelievers (1 Cor 7:39; 1 Cor 9:5). Believer may remain single and wait for unbeliever to repent and believe. Others say these spouses may remarry, as marriage should've never been broken (Mt 19:9).
Some think Deut 24:1-4 still applies today, though most think it applies to a particular OT situation, and no longer applies. Newheiser is uneasy about encouraging remarriage in this situation.
What Should Be Done If Someone Has Divorced and/or Remarried Improperly?
Majority of scholars believe that once a new marriage has taken place, it should be respected, not broken up (which would cause more sinful divorces and adulterous remarriages) (1 Cor 7:20).
Adultery in Mk 10:11-12 is in present tense, and most likely refers to single act of unbiblical remarriage; remarried couple isn't committing continuous adultery.
How Should the Church Treat Those Who Have Divorced and Remarried?
Qualification of elder and deacon to be a "one-woman man" (1 Tim 3:2, 12; Titus 1:6) doesn't mean married only once in a lifetime; Paul encourages remarriage after spouse has died (1 Cor 7:39; 1 Tim 5:14). Purpose is likely to disqualify adulterers, and maybe to disqualify polygamists. Qualification is primarily about man's present character and status, not about past (though that may be relevant). A man who was a drunkard, quarrelsome, or greedy in the past isn't disqualified if they're no longer those things.
July 5, 2020
This book is overall biblically founded, references many other well respected sources and could be a valuable to both the layperson and pastor/elder/counselor. I appreciated the detailed descriptions of the husband and wife responsibilities using the gospel.
However, I think it is severely lacking in addressing marital and child abuse. Multiple times the author states the only type of abuse to flee is physical despite spending the first three sections discussing the importance of spiritual, sexual, emotional, and psychological care and growth in a marriage (p 110 “God’s design is for a husband and wife to be one physically, emotionally and spiritually.”) He does quote some of the most well known authors in this genre (Justin Holcomb, Jeff Crippen, Anna Wood) but this view of what constitutes abuse could be incredibly damaging for victims who are counseled by church leaders and biblical counselors with only this resource and ideas.
Some of my takeaways:
P. 79 “The gospel of Jesus Christ is the key to keeping a marriage strong. ... The deeper your knowledge and experience of God’s love for you in Christ, the more you will be motivated and empowered to show merciful, gracious, and sacrificial love to your spouse.”
Chapter 14 gives a good list of “What must be done to protect a marriage?”
1. Do not take each other for granted
2. Make your personal walk with the Lord a priority.
3. Remain involved in a strong church
4. Quickly and completely resolve conflicts
5. Be honest with each other
6. Be circumspect in your dealings with the opposite sex
7. Be gracious to each other
7 A’s of Confession (from Ken Sande)
1. Address everyone involved
2. Avoid if, but and maybe.
3. Admit specifically
4. Acknowledge the hurt
5. Accept the consequences
6. Alter the behavior
7. Ask for forgiveness
****Danger here... p. 130 in the chapter on “How should you correct your spouse?” the author states “In a strong marriage, each partner is willing to bring loving correction when necessary, assuming that the other wants to be godly and will welcome help.” This is not how God corrects us (only if we want to be godly and request help) and can lead to co-dependency and abuse.****
P.147 “Most marriage problems are the result of spiritual weakness in one or both spouses. The best thing you can do for your sex life is to first pursue intimacy in your relationship with God. As you find your greatest delight in him, you will not be looking to your spouse to meet needs that only the Lord can satisfy.”
However, I think it is severely lacking in addressing marital and child abuse. Multiple times the author states the only type of abuse to flee is physical despite spending the first three sections discussing the importance of spiritual, sexual, emotional, and psychological care and growth in a marriage (p 110 “God’s design is for a husband and wife to be one physically, emotionally and spiritually.”) He does quote some of the most well known authors in this genre (Justin Holcomb, Jeff Crippen, Anna Wood) but this view of what constitutes abuse could be incredibly damaging for victims who are counseled by church leaders and biblical counselors with only this resource and ideas.
Some of my takeaways:
P. 79 “The gospel of Jesus Christ is the key to keeping a marriage strong. ... The deeper your knowledge and experience of God’s love for you in Christ, the more you will be motivated and empowered to show merciful, gracious, and sacrificial love to your spouse.”
Chapter 14 gives a good list of “What must be done to protect a marriage?”
1. Do not take each other for granted
2. Make your personal walk with the Lord a priority.
3. Remain involved in a strong church
4. Quickly and completely resolve conflicts
5. Be honest with each other
6. Be circumspect in your dealings with the opposite sex
7. Be gracious to each other
7 A’s of Confession (from Ken Sande)
1. Address everyone involved
2. Avoid if, but and maybe.
3. Admit specifically
4. Acknowledge the hurt
5. Accept the consequences
6. Alter the behavior
7. Ask for forgiveness
****Danger here... p. 130 in the chapter on “How should you correct your spouse?” the author states “In a strong marriage, each partner is willing to bring loving correction when necessary, assuming that the other wants to be godly and will welcome help.” This is not how God corrects us (only if we want to be godly and request help) and can lead to co-dependency and abuse.****
P.147 “Most marriage problems are the result of spiritual weakness in one or both spouses. The best thing you can do for your sex life is to first pursue intimacy in your relationship with God. As you find your greatest delight in him, you will not be looking to your spouse to meet needs that only the Lord can satisfy.”
July 30, 2024
I recommend this thoughtful and detailed book to any Christian seeking biblically-based answers on matters related to marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Prior to reading this book, I had purchased and read several essays and portions of books on these topics but was left unsatisfied. Due to this, I then prepared a list of about a half-dozen books by reputable authors that seemed to be the most promising, but then discovered that the book under review was recommended by Ligonier Ministries—so I bought a copy. Come to found out, Jim Newheiser not only references, but addresses the various perspectives put forward in, the same books and essays on the list that I had prepared—including a powerful essay by John Piper plus a few others that I was previously unaware of. Due to all that, I now consider this book to be the "one stop shop" for all of the questions that a Bible-believing Christian might have about marriage, divorce, and remarriage—including the difficult and sticky ones, while remaining very faithful to scripture. Based on all that, I recommend it very highly, so if you're wondering about which book to read, especially if you're a Reformed Christian, this is the one for you—since it addresses the various points-of-view in all of the other books on this topic by well-known, Bible-believing, and reputable Christian authors.
August 2, 2017
I didn't expect to agree with this book but i hoped I would see and hear a well thought out and biblical defense of their position. Unfortunately, I was surprised at how shallow and hypocritical it was. It would say things should be determined biblically and not based on feeling or opinion... then makes determination based on opinion. It said the topic should be always dealt with in humility but makes very black and white statements about things the bible give no imput on directly or sometimes even indirectly. Instead thus says the Lord, it seems like the author was taking authority as thus says author and it is told as truth! So dangerous. I was also amazed how in a period of the new covenant his view on marriage law and what is permitted and not permitted now, was based mostly on the old covenant and Old Testament and ignored scriptures on topic in the New Testament! Can NOT and would not recommend this book to anyone and am disappointed in the authors that I know that recommended it. It's only benefit to me was that it spoke on extra biblical issues like what makes a marriage and cohabitation, though the book took a very firm stance on a biblically shallow answer and gave no answer to implications and questions that rise from the books position. Again disappointing.
September 5, 2025
Solidly biblical, richly practical, and well laid out. A book that not only gives theology, but also understands that this theology has massive implications in peoples' lives. It is not short, but the style is easy enough to read to give to laymen.
The first part of the book gives good general counsel on what marriage is, how to have a good marriage, and how to deal with problems in marriage. The second part of the book moves into the controversial waters of divorce and remarriage. He takes the evangelical/biblical view that divorce is always the result of someone's sin, but that believers are permitted to divorce if there has been sexual immorality or abandonment. And he wisely defends the view that physical abuse is a form of abandonment.
It was a very helpful book and I will continue to use it as a reference. There were some sections that I felt needed more explanation, but that is not the fault of the author, but is a result of some of the topics being so complicated and in need of in-depth study (and one book can only be so long).
The first part of the book gives good general counsel on what marriage is, how to have a good marriage, and how to deal with problems in marriage. The second part of the book moves into the controversial waters of divorce and remarriage. He takes the evangelical/biblical view that divorce is always the result of someone's sin, but that believers are permitted to divorce if there has been sexual immorality or abandonment. And he wisely defends the view that physical abuse is a form of abandonment.
It was a very helpful book and I will continue to use it as a reference. There were some sections that I felt needed more explanation, but that is not the fault of the author, but is a result of some of the topics being so complicated and in need of in-depth study (and one book can only be so long).
March 31, 2020
This was hard going! There were three big shortcomings in my view:
1. Weak theological argument
2. A frustrating format
3. Some uncritically assumed cultural stereotypes re: dating and marriage.
The second half of the book was far better than the first and bumped it up to a third star. I would more highly recommend what Christopher Ash has written about family. Or Russell Moore’s recent book on family.
1. Weak theological argument
2. A frustrating format
3. Some uncritically assumed cultural stereotypes re: dating and marriage.
The second half of the book was far better than the first and bumped it up to a third star. I would more highly recommend what Christopher Ash has written about family. Or Russell Moore’s recent book on family.
November 10, 2022
In this book, Jim Newheiser offers 40 questions regarding marriage, divorce, and remarriage and subsequently responds with what the Bible teaches on said subjects. While I agreed with much of the author’s conclusions, it wasn’t a page turner by any means. That said, many sections I expected to not be edified by were in fact the most edifying. To those interested in the work, I’d recommend it as a reference book but not one to progressively read through.
May 9, 2023
Dificilmente habrá un libro que contenga tantas preguntas, respuestas, explicaciones, referencias, bases bíblicas, etc., sobre los 3 tópicos que se mencionan en el mismo título. Es sin lugar a dudas muy muy recomendable tener éste libro entre las bibliotecas de aquellos hombres y mujeres que entregan su vida al sevicio de Dios y que se verán forzados a proveer consejería y dirección sobre éste tema en algún momento. Lo recomiendo muchisimo.
July 10, 2017
Good resource that addresses some of the critical questions surrounding divorce and remarriage. Written with a pastoral tone, this is a practical resource that will serve believers, elders and church leaders in considering the essential issues and tricky cases. Interacts with the permanence view that some pastors/churches take.
January 2, 2018
This is not a book that is meant to be an in-depth study of marriage and all of the issues surrounding it. It is a fairly comprehensive overview of all of the practical issues that arise due to marriage though. This is an invaluable resource for one who is just starting out in ministry or one who wants to touch base with the various positions regarding divorce and remarriage.
July 12, 2022
The best book I have read on marriage. This is a must read for all Christians including elders and counselors. This book covers the following: preparing for marriage, dealing with sins that cause divorce, and what remarriage can look like. The author takes scripture seriously and uses the Bible to support his findings in a thoughtful and biblical way.
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