But I'm Not Depressed

by Lia Rees

Lia was a high-performing student at college in Nottingham when a random incident plunged her into a distorted, chaotic new world. Her thoughts and senses could no longer be trusted, and her intellect was gone. She found herself unemployable, drifting through life.

The lab tests, bloodwork and scans found nothing, so she was given a wastebasket diagnosis: depression. Psychologists tried to manipulate her out of the "negative thinking" behind the symptoms. What negative thinking? she wondered.

Lia had to find out the truth, because nobody else would do it for her.

But I'm Not Depressed is the bleak but hopeful tale of an individual finding her way through adversity. It offers personal insight into the surreal experience of neurological dysfunction, and a spirited defence of medicine in the face of a modern cult of psychobabble.

"If I gave up searching for a cure, I would never be able to prove them wrong."

Genres: Memoir, Health, Nonfiction

239 pages, Paperback

Published March 28, 2017

Reviews

[Qittie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Poignant, witty, and equally as dire for what it reveals about the state of the medical field.

"But I'm Not Depressed" is a memoir which takes the reader down the rabbit hole and shoots them via cannon straight into a proverbial hell. It details the author's fight for proper diagnosis and treatment after a brain injury brought on by an MMR vaccination.

I found it hard to put this down. Despite the train wreck of disintegration it explains, there is a hard-edged dark humor to every chapter. It drives the narrative arc in a way that touches on what it means to maintain hope as a blip on the radar. Maybe more of a figment, actually. It exists by merit of determination rather than false attributions to the silver linings mentality.

Furthermore, this book touches on aspects of the medical field which made me cringe, internally rage, and eventually smirk. The author's struggles move through mandated psychotherapy--poorly conducted--to self-diagnosis, and finally a semblance answers. Rees paints a dark picture, but it's not all doom and gloom.

Often, she touches on the idea of rebuilding herself; this theme runs much of the arc, and its one that makes the narrative--despite being a memoir--relatable, even to those of us without a brain injury. How often do we look in the mirror and build ourselves anew after such knocks? Could you do it with a good portion of your memories gone? Certainly thought-provoking, and it made me examine myself more closely for having read it.

The material is well-written, almost perfectly edited, and accessible to those with little knowledge of the subject matter. In all, I give it 4.75-stars due to a slight piece of word-for-word repetition in different chapters. That being said, this toes the line so closely to 5-stars, I hardly think that piddly .25 matters.

Bottom line: read this.

[Cynthia Sillitoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of the science (okay, almost all of the science) of this book went over my head and that's because of my own neurological issues (though science was never a strength of mine.) I read memoir (almost exclusively now) because I want to see from someone else's view-of-life, though there's a lot of this I related to, having become ill with CFS/ME in my teens and being very familiar with brainfog and sleep deprivation....and coping and trying to have the best life possible, but being very aware of before and after.

[Rachel Brune · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I've known people who spent a great deal of time and energy trying to get the medical profession to a., listen to them, and b., correctly diagnose them (let alone prescribe an effective course of treatment), author Lia Rees describes in detail what that journey is like. Her brain injury, which left her able to function at a fraction of her former self, also left her vulnerable to being misdiagnosed with everything from depression (it wasn't depression), to psychosomatic illness.
The author takes the reader on a journey from the early onset of the injury, through the years of being misdiagnosed and mistreated, until she is finally able to reclaim part of her original self and do the research that finally puts her on a (hopefully) more effective path through treatment.
For anyone interested in the effects of brain injuries, or who have perhaps been on a similar journey, or just looking for a well-told story of overcoming the loss of self, I highly recommend this book.

[Jeff Babineaux · Rating 5 out of 5]

The idea that the world around us is interpreted, however imperfectly, by our limited senses is not a new idea. It is, however, at the crux of the concept of Rees' debut novel, "But I'm Not Depressed," as it explores the effects of brain damage on our perception and navigation of the world around us. This tender treatment of the fragile human psyche was a must-read for me.

[Arthur David · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I were looking through Amazon or Barnes and Nobles for a new book to read, I probably would not be in the section this book resides. I have read very few biographies, auto or not, and I don’t think any of them were considered a memoir. The types of books I do read tend to be science fiction, fantasy, and urban fantasy. When I read non-fiction it tends to be in the form of articles about news, science or technology. I point this out because I would normally have no interest in a book like this, and had I not started doing reviews as part of my blog, I likely would not know this book exists.

I point all of this out despite all of that, I powered through Lia Rees’ “But I’m Not Depressed” the accounting of her life and condition in two days. I found that I could not stop reading, and did not want to (apart from one point, which is detailed below). The book is relatively short, clocking in at 110 pages (per amazon’s details, I had an e-book copy).

At the start of the book I find myself easily identifying with Lia. She recounts spending time in the library at school rather than outside. Escaping into books, particularly sci-fi and fantasy, my own favorites. She recounts her intelligence and how she used it to interact with others and how it directed her life.

All of this until she has a booster shot for the MMR vaccine. I feel the need to review this particular point. I nearly stopped reading when it became apparent that the problem was based around a vaccine. I tried to determine if the author was trying to link vaccines and autism, and if what I was reading was actually non-fiction. I did not want to allow my personal politics interfere with a story I had been given to review, but I have very low tolerance for fiction masquerading as non-fiction, particularly if it is to further a point that has been thoroughly debunked.

At this point in the memoir Lia says that she has a condition that causes her to be unable to track time properly. A quick search showed the condition could be caused by disease, satisfied that she is not necessarily trying to link MMR to autism, I continued reading. Later in the memoir Lia makes the point that she is not autistic, further allaying my fears. I point this out for two reasons. One, I don’t want others thinking this as a link for or against vaccines wherever you stand on the debate, Lia’s story is not related to that debate. Two, I don’t want others to make the mistake I nearly made and stop reading based on this.

The rest of the book details her struggles with her life that her condition has brought her. Her accomplishments in finding ways to deal with the “brain gremlins” and “brain fog” that become a part of her daily life. Finding new ways to find enjoyment in her life, all while trying to find answers and a way back to her old self while navigating the complexities of the health care system and trying to find doctors who will help her, rather than write her off as “depressed”.

I found the title to be very fitting. Throughout Lia’s telling, I never got the sensation that she was depressed, or complaining about what had happened to her. Throughout the book, she moves her life forward, through hard work and determination, forging a life for herself and making headway though a medical system that may not be equipped to handle her particular condition and does not seem to know how to manage it.

I found “But I’m Not Depressed’ to be a very enjoyable read, though I did have to stop a few times in order to look up a few words. This was due to not being familiar with the medical conditions Lia was talking about, and occasionally due to me not being British.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone. I finished knowing more about a world I didn’t know existed, and more about a person I never knew existed.

Lia says she wrote it to inspire the “walking wounded”, for those in a similar situation. I certainly hope her work does, but more than that her memoir should inspire all of us. It’s far too easy to see someone with a disability, a brain injury, or someone whom something is not normal (whatever that is). It’s too easy to cross the street, or simply ignore them and hope that they go away so that we can continue on with our lives.

It’s easy to do, I know I’ve been guilty of it myself. It’s much harder to look at someone in a different condition, and try to understand what is going on under the surface. What sequence of events brought them to this state, and what they might be going through, or how we can help them. So if Lia Rees’ work does anything I hope it inspires us all to dig a little deeper and try to understand what may be happening and perhaps how we can help.

This book easily earns 5/5 and my full reccomendation.

[Ed Ashford · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t think it would be possible for me to recommend this book enough. This is one of those books that just comes and surprises you with how well it’s written while simultaneously being easy to read and having some wonderful messages within it.

This book is lyrical and evocative in a way I don’t see very often. It read like poetry much of the time, using beautiful symbology and turns of phrase. I read through this entire book with a strong visual image in my head, and it felt more like watching a movie than reading a book. I don’t think there was any better way the author could have communicated what it’s like to live in her head. I don’t suffer from a brain injury, but so many of the themes in this book are universal, such as trying to hold true to something you know even when the whole world says you’re wrong, or feeling lost and not knowing why.

Sometimes the chapters can feel a little disjointed as the author jumps from one memory to the next, trying desperately to piece things together and see if there’s some connection she’s missing. Normally with standard writing, I would say that’s a writing flaw, but I thought it was remarkably well done and well-placed in this narrative. It really adds to this strong emotional connection to the author and having a strong sense of what it’s like inside her brain. Despite it not having a traditional flow, this book gripped me in a way that not many books manage. I ended up staying awake through the night still reading this book even as my own body betrayed me and tried to insist on sleeping, book or no book.

I feel like the fact that this book exists is a wonderful and beautiful gift to the world. This is a condition that I have never seen explained from a first person perspective before, and certainly a condition that tends to get ignored or brushed aside. I can personally point to too many cases I’ve seen in my life where someone who’s suffering gets pushed aside because a lack of healthcare or understanding. Books like this are so important as we move forward. We need more books like this. And certainly, But I’m Not Depressed is a beautiful trailblazer.

This is one of those books that reached into my soul and deeply changed me. There’s a sense of connection, even though I don’t suffer from a brain injury. But this book showed me that sometimes, it’s possible to just feel lost and disconnected and not sure why you aren’t the person you once were. For me, that’s more because of mental disorders, but this book still showed me that I wasn’t alone and that the important thing is to be kind to myself and take it one day at a time. I’ll be rereading my copy whenever I need that reminder, which to be quite honest, is probably enough that this book will be battered within a few months.

After reading this book, it’s a testament to the author’s own strength and perseverance that this book was even written in the first place. I can only imagine how hard it would be to write a book when you can’t even keep a plot straight while reading. Thank you, Lia Rees, for pushing yourself so hard and allowing the world in the outside bubble to see into your inner bubble. This is a beautiful work of art, a masterpiece, and one the author should be extremely proud of.

[S.E. Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s not often that I read memoirs, so I didn’t know what to expect with this one. To my surprise, I was blown away by how profound it was: it was a personal and intimate look into the loss of self, which still resonates long after I put the book down. I think you should read it: let me show you why.

What happens when you suffer a brain injury and begin to feel your mind crumble away – but no one believes you? What sounds like a nightmare is actually the daily life of Lia Rees, the author of this book. Faced with her fantastic mind suddenly turning against her, she struggles to find help in a world where doctors still carry a bias.

The writing style is so gorgeous that it’s hard to believe the author is struggling so much, another example of how her high functioning stops doctors from taking her seriously.She describes mental states in a way that is so incredibly relatable and visual. It was painful to read how her knowledge about her own body and mind were refuted by well meaning specialists. As a reader, you just want the doctor to listen: if any of them took the time to thoroughly listen, we think, they might just be able to help.

But in the meantime, life as a brain injury survivor is an uphill battle, one where the energy you need to make it through the day is not enough to fight. It reminded me of a TED talk I watched recently, where Jennifer Brea describes the obstacles she’s faces in seeking treatment for her Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She too had to use her reduced functions to find out what was wrong by herself, when the medical world would not.

This memoir is powerful. While the writing can get a little verbose at times, it was still witty and incredibly poignant. From brain injury to doctor to doctor to failed treatment after failed treatment, her road to recovery is filled with huddles she’s still fighting today.

A memoir that took strength to write and really shows. If you or someone you know has suffered a brain injury and found their daily functions impaired, you might want to grab this book. It is truly an eye opener and a fantastic read.

[Willow Woodford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rees describes her book as a medical memoir. At the age of 19 she suffered a brain injury that no one recognized. Instead of being treated for it she was diagnosed with depression and treated for it. It took her the next ten years to get answers and find help for the confusing road it led her down.

Rees’ ability to put thought to paper despite the challenges she’s faced absolutely stunned me. The pictures she draws and the feelings she conveys through her words drew me in and mesmerized me. Non-fiction isn’t typically something I read but this caught my eye and I gave it a chance. I’m very glad I did, it’s changed my outlook on my own struggle with depression. A battle that’s very real to me.

But, you say, she wasn’t depressed. She wasn’t, but she was treated as if she was and in so many ways it validates the feelings some of the medical professionals I’ve worked with have left me with.

Her refusal to take no for an answer, her willingness to try anything to heal herself, and her sheer will to keep going when her mind was willing to sit and do nothing impresses and motivates me to do the same for myself. Lia Rees is inspiration and proof that perseverance pays off.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s not a long read, but you won’t want to put it down. Her story is sure to inspire you in some way just as it did me.

[Susan Stewart · Rating 4 out of 5]

I write about mental illness and know that subject matter. But this is not about mental illness. This is about a brain injury that leads to a loss of virtually every function a person needs to have a life. This is a subject I know nothing about and sometimes had difficulty understanding what the author was trying to say. She writes about all the parts of herself that are gone, including her intelligence, but the book is written in a very intelligent way. This isn't a quick read, but if you're interested in brain injury, it's worthwhile.

[Virginia Carraway-Stark · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book that hits close to home as a survivor of a head injury. The author is candid, witty and enjoyable despite the serious nature of this difficult and painful topic

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of science talk, and doctor talk. A good example of the medical field failing their patient.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant and carefully researched book--including much research through personal experience. The author has a fascinating case of an unnameable brain injury caused by an unusual reaction to an ordinary MMR shot (mumps, measles, and rubella). She writes with singular clarity for a person in her condition, which is a state of excessive sleepiness, seeing double, having amnesia and memory lapses, and the ability only to be able to read a few words at a time.

The book relates her ten years of being misdiagnosed, accused of being psychosomatic, being a malingerer, and having every pop psychology formula thrust at her along with a critical deafness of the psychology/therapy community to what she tried over and over to tell them. She basically had to figure it out herself after trying every possible remedy, technology, and psychological philosophy. She is evidently still not cured yet, but surviving on fragments of intelligence she had before her world basically fell apart and began not to make sense. The fact that she's able to make a living as a designer and writer (however halting and minimal she says her steps are) is a testimony to her remarkable perseverance and strong will--even in the face of only small or temporary triumphs.

This is a great book, which will fascinate anyone interested in psychological disorders or diversity, and it's a story of the author's heroism. May she recover entirely and keep producing books like this.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rees gives a raw, vulnerable, and intensely personal glimpse into the everyday struggle of someone fighting for their own mental health. It may seem like a buzzword for blowing off work for some people, but Rees pulls back the curtain on a life that has everything stripped away, sabotaged by her own physiology. To people like her, “mental health” is more than just a time of rest and recuperation. It is a desperate struggle for survival, fighting against one’s own brain to achieve some semblance of the function that the neurotypicals around them find “mundane” and “normal.” Rees spells it out in lyrical language and vivid metaphors, for those who care to listen.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book about how patients are overlooked and pushed into diagnosis that are 100% inappropriate. Patient advocates and dr's need to listen to the patient, not jump to conclusions.

The author also explains the struggles with typical work vs freelance work. How she is able to manage with her own schedule but having a typical job isn't possible. Brain fog, exhaustion, tired sleep, we need to listen to patients and ask questions if we do not understand.

[Traceylee · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why

I started to read this book and just couldn't get into it. I am glad I only borrowed the book

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like I made a friend reading this book

First of all, great title and cover. I loved this book. It was a little hard to get into for the first maybe one-fourth of it, but it's worth sticking with because it's just so unusual, and the author is just so likable. I was sad when the book ended. I love her description of her friend who died. I love her critique of therapists. And she just teaches us how to see the world from a whole different perspective, and I mean that in a very deep way that is hard to express. It's kind of the best of what books have to offer a reader. This is a book I will never forget.