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Not Pregnant: A Companion for the Emotional Journey of Infertility
Maybe you have suffered a miscarriage. Maybe you have been told you cannot have children. Maybe you have followed every bit of advice from every doctor and self-help book, but you still aren’t seeing that pink plus sign. Many women face the disheartening struggle of infertility in silence. Between the feelings of shame, the strain on marriages, and the loads of money spent on medicines and failed procedures, they don’t want to admit what they often see as a personal that they cannot bear children. After four miscarriages and years of infertility, Cathie Quillet felt stuck and alone in her negative emotions. In Not Pregnant, Quillet offers a place for women who are experiencing infertility to come together, validate their emotions, and let go of their pain. This motivational and comforting book addresses * infertility’s effects on sex and marriage, * handling the public’s general ignorance about infertility, * miscarriages, * the plethora of emotions experienced, * hormonal changes with fertility medications, and * how to move on with your life. With real stories from women who have been there and an added scientific perspective from ob-gyn Dr. Shannon Sutherland, Not Pregnant is the emotional companion you need when it seems like no one else gets it.
- GenresNonfictionSelf Help
241 pages, Kindle Edition
Published December 2, 2016
153 people are currently reading
114 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
February 21, 2021
I'll start this the same way I will for every book about pregnancy loss that I read: if you are reading this because you have experienced pregnancy loss, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have lost two pregnancies and the pain that I have experienced with them has been the most devastatingly raw, deep, horrific, and heartbreaking pain I have ever felt in my life. It is a pain that I cannot explain and you cannot understand unless you have gone through it yourself.
I genuinely did enjoy this book. It was a nice read, nothing complicated, nothing difficult (except for the emotionally difficult subject matter), and it was generally a nice overview of life after pregnancy loss. The chapters were short and so it made it easier to tackle each chapter. There were some chapters where I highlighted huge passages, others where I highlighted small bits, and others where I didn't highlight anything. In many places, I felt like my reality, my thoughts, myself, was reflected in the pages that I read. It was comforting.
That being said... if you have experienced pregnancy loss, only read this book when you feel ready to do so. Sometimes reading these books can be triggering. Sometimes reading these books can be the only place where you suddenly realize that you are not alone with how you feel, that how you feel is actually something that so many other women are feeling right now with you (which in itself, is devastatingly sad). Each emotion, no matter what it is or where it originates or what it is about, every single one of them is normal and ok to feel.
My favorite chapters: Ch 3 How Much It Was Going to Hurt, Ch 4 It's Ok to Grieve, Ch 8 It Would be Really Lonely, and Ch 9 Fertile People Say Stupid Things. Believe me, chapter 9 is so true. Not only do fertile people (or people who aren't trying or thinking of trying yet) say stupid things, they say hurtful and insensitive and rage-worthy things.
Honestly, I would have given this book 4 stars, but when I read the Appendices, I got very angry. I did get a little bit of a religious vibe from the book while I was reading it (which I try to stay away from because I'm not religious and really don't need to hear "everything happens for a reason" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"), but nothing that really distracted me from the book. Until the Appendices. They were written by her husband. It started with a stupid joke about fixing the woman's emotions and bottling your own (the man's emotions). I found that to be in pretty bad taste. Some of the things he wrote I found kind of nice, but it felt more like he had a superior complex and was going to "educate men on how to be a man after a pregnancy loss." And then it got religious. And then one star just evaporated from this book.
There were some great things about this book. But that ending... it ruined it for me. I don't want a man's voice in something that is so intimate and personal. The only man's voice I want to hear (apart from the comforting voices of my father and brother) is my partner's voice.
I genuinely did enjoy this book. It was a nice read, nothing complicated, nothing difficult (except for the emotionally difficult subject matter), and it was generally a nice overview of life after pregnancy loss. The chapters were short and so it made it easier to tackle each chapter. There were some chapters where I highlighted huge passages, others where I highlighted small bits, and others where I didn't highlight anything. In many places, I felt like my reality, my thoughts, myself, was reflected in the pages that I read. It was comforting.
That being said... if you have experienced pregnancy loss, only read this book when you feel ready to do so. Sometimes reading these books can be triggering. Sometimes reading these books can be the only place where you suddenly realize that you are not alone with how you feel, that how you feel is actually something that so many other women are feeling right now with you (which in itself, is devastatingly sad). Each emotion, no matter what it is or where it originates or what it is about, every single one of them is normal and ok to feel.
My favorite chapters: Ch 3 How Much It Was Going to Hurt, Ch 4 It's Ok to Grieve, Ch 8 It Would be Really Lonely, and Ch 9 Fertile People Say Stupid Things. Believe me, chapter 9 is so true. Not only do fertile people (or people who aren't trying or thinking of trying yet) say stupid things, they say hurtful and insensitive and rage-worthy things.
Honestly, I would have given this book 4 stars, but when I read the Appendices, I got very angry. I did get a little bit of a religious vibe from the book while I was reading it (which I try to stay away from because I'm not religious and really don't need to hear "everything happens for a reason" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"), but nothing that really distracted me from the book. Until the Appendices. They were written by her husband. It started with a stupid joke about fixing the woman's emotions and bottling your own (the man's emotions). I found that to be in pretty bad taste. Some of the things he wrote I found kind of nice, but it felt more like he had a superior complex and was going to "educate men on how to be a man after a pregnancy loss." And then it got religious. And then one star just evaporated from this book.
There were some great things about this book. But that ending... it ruined it for me. I don't want a man's voice in something that is so intimate and personal. The only man's voice I want to hear (apart from the comforting voices of my father and brother) is my partner's voice.
March 3, 2018
At seven years into our infertility journey, I'm sure I would have had a different reaction to this book if I'd read it earlier, but it's hard to say exactly what it would have been. At this point, a lot of the information, and even the emotional advice, were things I figured out a while ago. I'm still glad I read it, if only because of getting to experience someone else's words expressing my emotions.
February 6, 2022
Overall, it was okay. It didn’t feel overly helpful or harmful.
December 10, 2023
This book was exactly what I was looking for: a companion that validated my feelings and put into words what I haven’t been able to. I loved the “Personal Inventory” sections at the end of each chapter that provided some questions for reflection. I highlighted a lot as I was reading, but I don’t know that I will consistently return to my highlights. It was a great companion and fulfilled its purpose, but it wasn’t life-changing. It was a comforting, validating read.
September 20, 2021
Not finished
Only made it to 23% and surprise, I’m pregnant! May come back and finish at some point. Don’t remember much as I haven’t read it in a while.
Only made it to 23% and surprise, I’m pregnant! May come back and finish at some point. Don’t remember much as I haven’t read it in a while.
March 18, 2022
Can I start by saying a big thank you? My husband and I have been struggling with ("unexplained") infertility for almost two years and counting. I've read 5 books on coping with infertility but this one spoke to me as it emphasises that the infertility journey is a painful one, not just for women, but for COUPLES.
I would really recommend this book to anyone going through infertility or know someone going through it. I personally seriously identify with the short, poignant passage on collected pieces of advice for those who wish to support friends and family going through infertility. I have highlighted these passages and sent to my friends. This book is so comforting to read and it was a clear reminder that I need to support my husband in the way he wishes to be supported.
Said passage copied here below:
“I would say that it’s very important to really listen to the couple. Sometimes they may want to relate or need validation or help, but other times they may just want to be heard—without the offer of advice or sympathy—and would appreciate a sense of normalcy…not to feel like their life is completely defined by infertility.” “Don’t tell them stories about other people. Just listen. Tell them you love them. Tell them you’re praying for them. Tell them you can’t understand and you’re sorry for what they’re going through. Tell them you don’t know what to say rather than filling the time with empty words that may do more harm than silence. Hug them. Sit in silence with them. Ask them if there’s anything you can do for them. Invite them out for distractions, and don’t bring it up. Don’t ever ask if they are pregnant yet.”
“Accept whatever fertility decisions they make; it’s their decision to make, and unless they ask your opinion, don’t give it.”
“Don’t make false promises or give false hope with all the other success stories you have heard about or experienced. Someone else’s success doesn’t guarantee mine. We all have different stories—some with the outcome we want, some not.”
I would really recommend this book to anyone going through infertility or know someone going through it. I personally seriously identify with the short, poignant passage on collected pieces of advice for those who wish to support friends and family going through infertility. I have highlighted these passages and sent to my friends. This book is so comforting to read and it was a clear reminder that I need to support my husband in the way he wishes to be supported.
Said passage copied here below:
“I would say that it’s very important to really listen to the couple. Sometimes they may want to relate or need validation or help, but other times they may just want to be heard—without the offer of advice or sympathy—and would appreciate a sense of normalcy…not to feel like their life is completely defined by infertility.” “Don’t tell them stories about other people. Just listen. Tell them you love them. Tell them you’re praying for them. Tell them you can’t understand and you’re sorry for what they’re going through. Tell them you don’t know what to say rather than filling the time with empty words that may do more harm than silence. Hug them. Sit in silence with them. Ask them if there’s anything you can do for them. Invite them out for distractions, and don’t bring it up. Don’t ever ask if they are pregnant yet.”
“Accept whatever fertility decisions they make; it’s their decision to make, and unless they ask your opinion, don’t give it.”
“Don’t make false promises or give false hope with all the other success stories you have heard about or experienced. Someone else’s success doesn’t guarantee mine. We all have different stories—some with the outcome we want, some not.”
Read
March 4, 2023I felt I couldn’t give this book a rating. Overall, I found it helpful and highlighted some parts to it. I liked that the author wrote from her experience and other people’s experiences. I also liked that an OBGYN was able to talk about medical topics throughout the book and explain what they meant. I don’t think this book is one I could read again because it was hard for me. But I do think it’s a nice book to read to not feel alone in the infertility struggle. I briefly skimmed the last part where the husband gives advice from his perspective, but I mostly did not read that part.
April 17, 2023
As I noted on my Instagram page that I've dedicated to my infertility journey this book alone has helped me to feel validated in how I'm feeling about the journey and that whatever decisions we make going forward are right no matter what we decide. One of the biggest take aways I found is to use your strength for the day you are currently facing. Don't worry about tomorrow, your scheduled pregnancy test next week, the doctors appointments all scheduled for the next 2 weeks, what you could have done last month, last year, or 5 years ago. Focus on the present.
July 4, 2019
Infertile Myrtle
This book was so helpful. We have never been able to get pregnant ever in almost 5 years of trying. We’re both in the ending of the grieving the loss of the idea to be parents to biological children and this was so helpful. It helped me understand that I don’t have to feel like a monster for grieving the loss of the idea of being parents. I’m very thankful to have come across this book! ❤️
This book was so helpful. We have never been able to get pregnant ever in almost 5 years of trying. We’re both in the ending of the grieving the loss of the idea to be parents to biological children and this was so helpful. It helped me understand that I don’t have to feel like a monster for grieving the loss of the idea of being parents. I’m very thankful to have come across this book! ❤️
June 2, 2021
I genuinely loved this book however at the end of the book when they were questioning the men for things most of them had great answers but the guy names Hunter seemed to be a genuine a hole who didn’t actually care about his wife or partner and that low key ruined a part of the book for me. They could have just left his arrogant opinions out of this book considering as it is, it’s a hard topic and a majority of people reading this book are in fact women.
July 21, 2025
As someone who had their first miscarriage at 22 and is now 36 and still without a child, this book was a huge hug. I don’t know anyone in life who has suffered the way I have with gynecological and infertility issues. It was like having a hot coffee with an old friend.
It was hard to read but validating & reassuring that the mental health and emotional impact of infertility you’re feeling, is so valid.
It was hard to read but validating & reassuring that the mental health and emotional impact of infertility you’re feeling, is so valid.
January 27, 2020
Finding joy in ivf
From my wife:
My husband and I have navigated through four early losses and are in the midst of our first round of IVF. This book was so helpful in me knowing I’m not alone! I’m the first of my friends to navigate through this heartache and often felt that no one gets it. This has helped me through my grief and my hope in this journey
From my wife:
My husband and I have navigated through four early losses and are in the midst of our first round of IVF. This book was so helpful in me knowing I’m not alone! I’m the first of my friends to navigate through this heartache and often felt that no one gets it. This has helped me through my grief and my hope in this journey
April 11, 2021
This book was incredibly helpful to me. After struggling with infertility and recently experiencing a fourth failed procedure (this time IVF), it made me feel less alone and gave me things to reflect on as I move through the grieving process. I will highly recommend this to anyone who has experienced or is experiencing infertility.
May 22, 2023
The author assumes that every woman reading the book is married and in a relationship with a man. (I fit into this category, but the lack of social awareness is still irritating and distracting). Some parts of this book were mildly helpful. But when she'd say things like, "You know what he likes!" (in relation to how infertility affects a couple's sex life), the cringiness made it irredeemable.
September 2, 2024
Thats a hard one to rate. I laughed, I cried, I related a lot. I wrote down some parts. Why not 5 stars? The Appendix. Her husband part at the end was a slap in the face. "To the men, help out, maybe she'll reward you wink wink, To the women, tell us what to do, we dont read mind!" Gross. Also he's a preacher and just really agressively went into religious preaching. It totally ruined it for me.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 27, 2022
Great Book
I told me family to read this book if they wanted to know more on how to be supportive. This book validated so many feelings I am having. I would suggest this for any couple going through infertility, as well as family members.
I told me family to read this book if they wanted to know more on how to be supportive. This book validated so many feelings I am having. I would suggest this for any couple going through infertility, as well as family members.
February 28, 2022
It was “helpful” in the sense it helped me feel understood and not alone. But it wasn’t anything groundbreaking either.
Overall enjoyed it.
Overall enjoyed it.
January 12, 2020
A must read if going through fertility treatments! Healing to the soul!
March 12, 2023
I am so thankful to the author for sharing her story. This book felt like a tight warm hug with a side of cocoa.
February 16, 2023
What I love most about this book is this it's not someone I don't know trying to tell me how I should change my diet or my at home products or my toothpaste or my exercise routine. It's not someone telling me things about my diagnosis or struggle that I don't already know or fill my head with. It's everything that we don't find in our research to uncover the cure to our infertility. It written from the heart of a mother who struggled for years and then found that God had other plans for her family. Every single page gave me permission to feel emotions I've been trying to control or hide. Every story of a couple's struggle or experience or win or loss made me feel like I am now on a team or in a community, not left behind or lost in the woods. If you are struggling with infertility of any kind, I am so sorry and I'm here for you. This book absolutely lives up to its title, "a companion...".
December 9, 2023
Couldn’t finish this. Maybe my wounds are too fresh? This book felt overly intense and pessimistic.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews