Motherhood – Is It For Me?: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity

by Denise L. Carlini, Ann Davidman

Many women question whether they want a baby or a childfree life. Motherhood – Is It For Me? is the perfect resource for addressing this crucial life choice. Find out what family planning might really mean for you with this insightful book, which offers every woman a clear path to understanding her ambivalence, moving through it, and making an informed decision about becoming a mother or remaining childfree.For partnered and single women alike, this self-help guide will lead you to your truth, gently and nonjudgmentally. A series of exercises - done at your own pace or over the book's recommended 12 weeks - will enable you to navigate through your immobilization. You’ll learn how to let go of external circumstances that cloud the motherhood decision. No one can make the motherhood decision for you, but this self-help guide for women will help you to say hello to a new future—one of clarity and brightness.Motherhood – Is It For Me? can be read and used individually or in a women’s group. Many women feel that there’s nowhere to turn when they can’t decide whether to become mothers; they’re unsure how to think about family planning. Some think they don’t want to be a mother at all, or they might be deciding whether to become pregnant after 35 and have a baby. In all of these circumstances, women can feel lonely, isolated and debilitated. If you have these feelings, you’re not alone; so, whether you read Motherhood – Is It For Me? as an individual or in a women’s group, doing the exercises will lead you to clarity.This self-help guide includes 20 stories from women of diverse backgrounds who share their decision-making journeys; half of these women chose motherhood while half decided on a childfree life. These women’s stories create a valuable, supportive community by breaking the isolation that women often feel when they don’t know their own truths about motherhood.The authors of this book, who are both licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, created the Motherhood-Is it for me?™ program in 1991—it has had more than 25 years of proven success. Motherhood – Is It For Me? brings the methods used in that innovative, insightful program to paperback or e-book. Motherhood – Is It For Me? provides the path to a woman’s deepest desire so that she can make the motherhood decision that feels right for her. It’s a must-read if you’re undecided.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Relationships

476 pages, Kindle Edition

Published December 2, 2016

Reviews

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this. Beyond it helping readers question whether motherhood is right for them, it provides so many insights and strategies for decision making in general. I now question why I say yes or no, I think about what I actually want before making a decision, I focus on my desires instead of all the "externals" that typically influence my decisions. It reinforced the knowledge that my desires matter and no one knows them better than me. When it comes to motherhood, this book didn't have me deciding "holy crap I don't want kids" or "I need a baby in me asap", but I did come to the understanding that I am good either way - with or without kids - and I think that in itself is a decision.
Side note - this book involves a T O N of writing. So so much writing. It took me at least a week to get through each chapter just because of the amount of writing that is involved (and it specifically says hand-write, not type or record).

[Jane Doucet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rose Ainsworth, the protagonist in my novel, The Pregnant Pause, would have benefited greatly from reading Motherhood: Is It For Me? Like many women, Rose is making herself miserable trying to decide whether or not to become a mother. This ‘Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity' coauthored by Ann Davidman and Denise Carlini recognizes that not every woman knows for certain whether she wants to have children and sends the message that having mixed feelings is okay — a message that women who are struggling with this life-altering decision need to hear. The twelve chapters include real-life examples, self-discovery exercises, guided visualizations and self-care suggestions. Conflicted about conceiving? Miserable about questioning motherhood? Unhappy about being undecided? Read this book!

[ifonly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Less of a decision-making book and more like 12 personal and surprisingly effective therapy sessions that remove unknown blockers from your ability to make a decision. I recommend, if you have a therapist, discussing each motherhood session with them as you go through the book. I think, even if you are already confident in your decision, that there is A LOT you can get out of this book in terms of self-awareness and self-knowledge because of how similar it is to therapy.

But be warned, this book requires significant effort on your part in the form of writing and introspection.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book through a podcast in which Ann Davidman was a special guest. I resonated with feeling ambivalent about having children for most of my 20s which drew me to this book. This book goes through a 12 week course and I finished it in about 9 weeks.

The book isn't just about motherhood and having children, it's really about connecting with your inner world and desires. In addition to finding clarity on my decision, I got so much more than what I thought I would. I know I will be using the skills and concepts from this book into the future too.

As a few others have mentioned, there is a lot of writing! I don't see this as a downside and I see myself to continue to journal.

[Natalie Marinello · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this book to everyone, even those with clarity about their desire to become a parent. This book provides a detailed framework and visualization techniques that helped me understand my personal decision making process and encouraged me to challenge perceptions to recognize if they were truly my beliefs or a result of externalities. Highly recommend!

[Inas · Rating 5 out of 5]

oh my god. thank you for the authors of this book. thank you thank you thank you thank you.

i've never been more sure about anything else in my life now. this book not only brought clarity regarding motherhood for me, but also about my life values, purpose, and dreams.

thank you so much.

10/10 would recommend to anyone who's not sure about whether or not they wanna be a parent.

oh and i finished this book in way less than 12 weeks. just in 6-7 weeks, i think? i actually have reached clarity around week 5-6. but i managed to push through the whole program while pretending that i still "don't know". that's what the book tells me to do anyway.

[Lyda · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book designed in the form of a 12 week program that takes you through a magical journey to figure out if you wish / what's your desire to becoming or not a mother / parent. It was hard, sometimes frustrating, others triggering and others happier. I liked every second of it and it helped me to recognize my desires for motherhood and what I want to do.

[Yvette · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It was immensely helpful in making the decision of whether to have children. It was an emotional process and one in which it was extremely helpful to have writing exercises, visualization exercises and guided meditations. I’m very grateful for such a thoughtful workbook around such an important decision.

[Rutherling · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got what I wanted, which was to make a decision, and feel confident about it.
I got more than I expected, which is an awareness of how I make decisions.
The value is in the writing and reflection that you put into Davidman's questions.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book and ignored all of their instructions by speedrunning it and doing the entire program in 11 days. Should you do that? Probably not. Did it still work? Surprisingly, yes. This book is actually super helpful and I'd reccomend it, especially to people under less time pressure than me.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

it was enlightening.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fascinating 12-week program designed for women trying to decide if they want to become mothers or not, and as someone who is in that position I was hoping that it might help me get some clarity.

Each week follows a similar pattern -- some sort of guided reflection, some framing information, prompts and reflections for you, and then some stories from other women who have been through the program. I found the guided reflections to be not at useful -- I've done them in similar programs and found that format doesn't work for me (besides, it's a BOOK, so you either need to record them for yourself or find someone to read them for you). I found the prompts and the stories from others to be much more useful.

The other challenge for me was this was a library book and I had to return it after 4 weeks. I found one or two weeks less useful, and by going through more than one week at a time I was able to get through all of the content. I was able to jot down some of the other prompts to answer at another time when I am ready for more reflection.

All in all I think this helped me move closer to a decision by helping me understand what I really want. So the book helped me get there even though it did feel a bit long-winded at times.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful journalling that led to an outcome, as well as lots of other discoveries about myself!

[Rina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is what I really needed to come back to self. The world and people can really deter you from your path. I love that this book is about doing inner work to find the truth within yourself and not just someone's skewed and bias opinion.

[Luke Shepherd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Might not help you get to a definitive decision. But will still help you assess your past and work out what you desire without external bias

[Taylor Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was really wonderful. It helped me a lot because I enjoy writing and there are a lot of insightful prompts, but there are a variety of exercises that would be helpful for people who dont enjoy writing- guided visualizations, collage making, drawing, etc.

I (31F) started this book thinking one day I'd probably adopt or foster children but that I probably didn't want to birth my own children, and I actually did get a few revelations while doing the things in the book. I know for certain now that I have no desire to birth children, and that because of a childhood where I always had to be the parent, I really want a few years after I pay off my student loans to just do things I've always wanted to do before I have to step [back] into that parent role.

It feels great to have this clarity: to know what I want and also see my desires in my plans for the future, rather than having a sort-of plan where I think I know what I want.

The only thing that could have improved this book would be an app to go alongside it; it would be cool to have the recordings available that way and also to have prompts for the self-care portions of the book, or daily prompts for the weeks that you're supposed to reflect on something every day.

Highly recommend for anyone feeling ambivalent about this decision! It's a lot of work but very rewarding in my experience.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

✨Review✨
Motherhood-Is it for me?

Quick Look-
Format: book
Genre: self help
Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Recommend: yes



Full review-
The aim of this book is to get you to find your inner desire and then use that to make a decision. Yes, desire and decision can be different. Overall, this book really helped me dig deep and learn more about myself and what I need to heal from. It made me realize that I will be okay no matter what decision I make. I do feel closer to a true desire but I can’t say 100% either way yet.

Pros:
-weekly activities
-stories of other women who have been through the same thing
-introspective
-I really enjoyed most of the writing assignments

Cons:
-had to record myself doing the visualization and then listen to it. Would recommend audio for those portions for sure
-I have an extremely hard time visualizing a scenario with vague details so many of them were really hard for me
-it’s extremely hard to not let outside factors enter your brain for 12 weeks to complete this

[Sharon Friend · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so very helpful for all big life’s decisions, and maybe even small ones. Of course it is focused on exploring whether becoming a parent, or not, is right for you. I bought this for my son and his wife as they have been agonizing over this decision, and changing their minds from time to time. They have been working on the exercises separately and are nearly finished. They told me the book has become very valuable for their marriage and helped them develop a shared language and approach to decision making. They are confident they will make the right decision, in their own time, about whether or not to have a child. I read the book for myself and learned a lot about how to make good choices for myself. I did not do all the writing, though my decisions are on a much smaller scale now.

[Angela Zhang · Rating 3 out of 5]

New age psychology/therapy in a book. At times it can be a bit too touchy feely and slow. I can't tell how effective the book really is but: (1) The act of reading this book forces me to take the time to reflect and think and sit with my decision, so that's useful. (2) Some of the questions are open ended enough that they encourage me to reflect more on general life decisions as well, so it's nice to carve out some space to think about childhood/current life circumstances/etc overall.

[Meiran · Rating 3 out of 5]

I do think it helps me learn things about myself and reframe the question. It's very important to me to realize that whichever way I choose, I can choose to experience parenthood or a childfree life on my own terms -- not what the older generation or the society defines it to be. Appreciate the both methodical and emotional / intuitive way of thinking.

[Margit · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars, would recommend!
Nekem ez a program épp azt adta, amit ígért. Nagyon biztonságos teret ad a könyv, abszolút accessible a nyelvezete, a struktúrája. Kézen fogott és végigvitt. Minden fejezetből sugárzott, hogy a szakembereknek több évtizednyi tapasztalata volt már, mire megírták a könyvet.
Revelatív, megerősítő, intezíven hatékony!

[Dominika]

I am clear on what I want to do. And happy!

[Julia L · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a lot of books on this topic and this one was by far the most helpful.

[Libre Livre · Rating 3 out of 5]

And p.151