The Way of Letting Go: One Woman's Walk toward Forgiveness

by Wilma Derksen

Maybe it was the sting of remarks from a relative or friend. Maybe a miscarriage ended your hopes for a family. For all of your heartbreaks, maybe you wished there was someone to help you through. For Wilma Derksen, letting go of the 15 misconceptions about grief led her back to hope. In this book she tells how you can do the same. Wilma’s world collapsed when her teenage daughter, Candace, was taken hostage and murdered. Wilma now shares her choices to “let go” of heartbreak, which gave her the courage to navigate through the dark waters of sorrow. Like Wilma, maybe your heartbreak forced you to retreat from happy expectations, of believing that life is fair, of finding closure for every circumstance. She encourages let go of the happy ending, let go of perfect justice, let go of fear, and let go of closure. Wilma's wisdom will help you overcome your broken heart, and her advice will enable you to break free of pain to live a life of true joy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

240 pages, Paperback

Published February 21, 2017

Reviews

[Lydia Howe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why I Choose this Book:

I don't even remember why I requested this book for review, but I'm glad I did.

What I Thought about this Book:

It was beautiful. The message, the writing, the ideas presented, all of it was beautiful. I was amazed the whole book through how the tone of each page was so peaceful and forgiving, and yes, full of letting go. The author's daughter was murdered. By human standards the author has every right to rant and rage, yet she knew she was held to a higher standard - God's standard. And, even though she wasn't always triumphant, she knew forgiveness was the best way.

The book was very eye-opening to me. I hadn't realized how drastically someone's life changes when their child is murdered. With the author, it had been a very publicized crime because first the daughter was missing, so they needed everyone to help look for her. That meant that when they eventually found her body, the news didn't die down - instead they continued being in the news, and that would have to have been really hard. Also, the fact that it took many years to find the murderer meant that there wasn't closure. I can't even imagine what they had to go through, and to continue to have forgiveness and grace through it all? Very powerful.

The author goes through the Sermon on the Mount, point by point, as she goes through her story. The way she fit everything together, and goes back and forth speaks of impressive writing skills. She's honed her writing craft very well.

At the beginning of each chapter there were quotes, and the quotes by Corrie ten Boom were my favorite. I’m very thankful that the author, like Corrie, was able to take the hardest thing in her life, and turn it around to use it for God’s glory. I had never heard about the author before reading this book, but apparently she’s traveled around speaking about forgiveness, and she has a blog. (Although, I don't know if her blog is about forgiveness or not.) The author shows that even horrible and painful things in life can end up being used for good if they are handled the correct way.


Conclusion:
There are some details in the book that make it unsuitable for ages 16 and under or so, but overall I think the author did a good job of not getting too detailed.
There were also several things I didn't agree with all of the way, but for the most part I really appreciated everything in the book.

Rating:

I’m giving The Way of Letting Go 4 out of 5 stars, and 7 out of 10.

*I received this book from BookLook

[Jeanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

When we have unresolved grief, we have unresolved emptiness in our lives, and a loss that can show itself in expressions of anger, compulsive hoarding, incessant talking, and such. We get stuck in the past.


Written pragmatically, I am caught up with how her heart and head dance around the pain she is experienced in the loss of her daughter.

Derksen's daughter Candace was abducted on her way home from school and found dead in abandoned shack not far from her house in Winnipeg Canada.
Her account is very well written. Written with vulernability as she has journeyed through her grief and the reality of what happened to her family. Letting go of what hindered her to live life. To love her family and to find purpose once again. She describes how she reconciled God in the evil that happened as she learned what really happened to her daughter. A crisis faith when reality comes in like a train wreck.

Each chapter touches on what she had to let go and what she discovered about her faith. Her writing was poetic as she brought in Jesus as the Nazarene and pulling in a pragmatic way how the word healed her heart.

A Special Thank You to Zondervan and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review

[Jennifer]

I get it. Forgiving is about the person who forgives and not the person you’re forgiving. This started out (first 25p) strong but I’m done. It goes on too long and comes across a little too preachy strong. Book club is over and I will move on to something else.

[Sammy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This isn't my usual type of book but I really loved this one. The way she walks us though her story and her healing journey is incredible.

[Jessica Higgins · Rating 5 out of 5]

After a life changing event, how do you learn to move on and forgive? This is one of the hardest things there is to do.

No matter the topic, being hurt by a friend or family member or losing a loved one, learning to let go of that pain is a very difficult thing to do. Wilma Derksen gives us 15 misconceptions to look at about grief and how it led her back to hope. Wilma’s world falls apart when her teenage daughter doesn’t come home from school one day. Seven weeks later her body is found. It isn’t until decades later that an arrest is made in the murder. Wilma shares how she let her choice to forgive and let go of the heartbreak to be able to move on with her life. She encourages trying to find a happy ending through the heartbreak and listening to her advice will hopefully help some break free of the pain they are holding on to.

Reading through this book and sharing the heartbreak Wilma had to go through was very difficult. Being a mother, it is very hard to hear or even think of having to experience this kind of heartache. My kids are my world and I can’t imagine anything like this happening to them. I would like to say I would be able to forgive, but it would be incredible difficult. I loved everything she said about having to forgive and let go of the pain. If we hold on to that pain, we are never going to be able to move on with our lives and live them the way God intends us to. There were so many helpful scriptures and bible passages to look at for references to help through the dark times. It doesn’t have to be someone who has experienced the murder of a child that will benefit from the words here. Every day we all face something that we should let go of to be our happiest; it might be something as simple as a hurt feeling from a friend or loved one, or it could go much deeper and be much harder. No matter the circumstance we face, we all need to be able to try and be the best person we can be, and that won’t happen if we can’t let go of the negative things we are holding on to.

I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher. The views and opinions expressed within are my own.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Note: This book was provided free of charge by BookLook/Zondervan. All thoughts and opinions are my own.]

As a survivor of early childhood rape/incest, the issue of forgiveness has always been one I have long wrestled with in my own life [1]. If this example is a bit shocking to you, then this book is likely to be shocking as well, as the author dwells a lot both on her own Mennonite background as well as the gruesome details of the death of her daughter and its aftermath for her and her family. My own thoughts and feelings about this book are somewhat mixed, in that the author spends far too much time and space glorying in being progressive, something which I intensely loathe hearing. The word itself is an offense. Likewise, the author has more than a few quirks in her writing style that are a bit irritating, such as her continual references to Jesus Christ as the Nazerene, giving her interpretation of his behavior as a counterpoint to her own struggles to be forgiving of her daughter's murderer and her own difficulties at dealing with the fallout of becoming connected to such a murder. Of course, she became an advocate for justice, and got involved with social causes. I suppose such an occurrence is more or less inevitable.

This book is composed of various chapters relating to the issue of learning how to forgive that are organized in a thematic but definitely not a chronological order. There are flashbacks and flash forwards and the organization of the book is a bit muddled, much like the political worldview of the author. Be that as it may, after beginning with a few chapters relating to the death of her daughter and the aftermath, most of the book consists of chapters about letting go: letting go of the happy ending, fear, grief, ego, narrow faith, the old me, our expectation that life is fair, guilt and blame, our need to know, rage, obsession with the offender, justice fantasies, easy resolution, self-pity, and closure. After this the book, which is a bit more than 200 pages, ends with some chapters on the never-ending process of forgiveness and what it means before having a discussion on Joseph justice, some further reading on the subject, and some rather lengthy endnotes. The more compelling you find the author's account of the story of her and her family, and the more you can put up with her false dilemmas and framing, the better you will find this book to be.

It cannot be denied that this world ha a great need for forgiveness. Yet it also has a great need for justice, something that cannot be found in this world given our corrupt systems and our imperfect human beings. To be sure, most of us would not want perfect justice if we realized what it truly meant about our own sins and faults. Yet at the heart of this book is a false dilemma, in that the author focuses on the merciful aspects of God without those parts of God that are just and powerful. Ultimately, it was this flawed view of God that made the book feel so partisan and one-sided. Even if you have chosen to forgive, that does not mean being an aggressively noisy doormat as this author is. Nor does it mean devoting one's life to "progressive" causes, as this author has done, nor does it mean giving a skewed perspective of Jesus to make it seem as if he endorses the author's biased social gospel worldview. The world needs a better book on forgiveness than this one is, but if writing it helped her deal with it, then it is not a total waste, at least.

[1] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maybe it was the sting of remarks from a relative or friend. Maybe a miscarriage ended your hopes for a family. For all of your heartbreaks, maybe you wished there was someone to help you through. For Wilma Derksen, letting go of the 15 misconceptions about grief led her back to hope. In this book she tells how you can do the same. Wilma’s world collapsed when her teenage daughter, Candace, was taken hostage and murdered. Wilma now shares her choices to “let go” of heartbreak, which gave her the courage to navigate through the dark waters of sorrow. Like Wilma, maybe your heartbreak forced you to retreat from happy expectations, of believing that life is fair, of finding closure for every circumstance. She encourages patiently: let go of the happy ending, let go of perfect justice, let go of fear, and let go of closure. Wilma's wisdom will help you overcome your broken heart, and her advice will enable you to break free of pain to live a life of true joy.

I really enjoyed this book and I think that the concept of forgiveness is something that everyone can very much benefit from reading more about and practicing more often in their lives. The book is broken down into 23 different chapters that focus on specific topics involved with "letting go" and forgiveness. Topics such as; Letting Go of the Grief, Letting Go of the Old Me, Letting Go of Guilt and Blame, Letting Go of My Need to Know and. Letting Go of my Rage. Each chapter starts with a quote that relates to the topics at hand, then the author takes us through a personal experience that relates to the topics and ends with a statement about letting go. I liked that that the author took a different approach when discussing forgiveness.

I have read other books about forgiveness, but as I stated, I liked that the author wrote this book in a different way. Letting go is a great phrase and way of explaining forgiveness. The author explains throughout the book that unless we actually let go of the harm or pain that was caused by to us, through words, actions or wrongdoing, we cannot heal and move on. The author also talks about how we need to stop resisting letting go of these things. Often, people say they forgive someone, but inside they are still holding on to the pain or damage that was caused to them and until they can completely let go of that, they aren't going to be able to truly heal from whatever wrongdoing occurred, learn to love that person again (if they want to) or grow and move on with their lives. I really enjoyed both the concept of the book and the author's writing and recommend this book! Thank you to the publisher for sending me a review copy of this book.

[Judy Croome · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book because exploring what forgiveness means is a passion of mine. I'm left ambivalent - relating my trauma to her trauma seems petty, but a trauma that requires the sheer hard work of learning to forgive on a soul level takes many shapes & sizes.

I have to admire Derksen's commitment to this long (never ending) journey towards forgiveness - quite an amazing inspirational feat to take the terrible darkness that came into her life and turn it into a beacon of hope for others. To give (or at least find) meaning in a cruel meaningless act must take incredible courage & inner strength (& yes, a deep faith.)

Derksen gives an excellent account of the process that forgiveness is but, as a Mennonite, her approach to forgiveness is strictly based on the Christian faith and that puts two strikes against the book (1) the odd and somewhat jarring interspersion of excerpts from the Bible too often came across as preaching and (2) forgiveness as a path to healing the brokenness within us is a human need - not just a Christian need. What about all the broken people of other faiths who may need to forgive? Is it only Christians who can find peace & redeem their lives through forgiveness?

I would've liked to see Derksen explore what forgiveness means on a broader scale, rather than just from a narrow Christian perspective. Her trauma also comes across as intellectualised rather then allowing the reader to feel the depths of her emotional pain as Ralph Bulger did in "My James: The Heartrending Story of James Bulger by His Father, which was a howl of raw emotion from the first page to the last. But then Wilma Derksen has managed to do what the Bulger family are apparently struggling to do - her struggle toward forgiveness has given her daughter Candace's terrible death meaning & purpose while keeping her family and marriage together during the decades that have passed since her daughter's awful murder. That's a fantastic achievement and Derksen's struggle not to let hate & unforgiveness drag her down into the darkness is hugely admirable.

The book is definitely worth the read (& I'll be re-reading it at some later stage) - a complex abstract concept (to forgive) is made simple and presented in an easy to read style.

[Tamara Murphy · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are hoping to become a person able to live in the freedom that comes with radical forgiveness, add Derksen's book to your must-read pile. It's a hard and redemptive story, as characterizes most profound Gospel stories.

More at my blog: http://www.tamarahillmurphy.com/blogt...

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is well written, but perhaps I should have read more on the topic of the book.
This is more of a self help journey, rather then hearing the story of a family & how they cole with the tragedy of an abducted and murdered child.

[Arlene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wilma Derksen gives insight into forgiving. Her ideas can be applied to any kind of trauma or difficulty that one is facing. If anyone knows about tragedy and forgiveness it is Wilma Derksen. Highly recommended.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was very well written. Wilma Derksen is probably more courageous and brave than any of us. I don’t understand (and completely agree) with how forgiving she is but it works for her and her religion. I heard of this book after reading Mike McIntyre’s true crime story.

[Jude · Rating 4 out of 5]

i think was a good book. Not easy or a quick read as there are moments you need to pause for reflection. A book I think I may go back to time and time again to be reminded of the truths our hearts need to re-hear. We are so prone to forgetting.

[Frances · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good look at forgiveness in the face of evil.

[Misty Blake-Knox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wilma’s book gives amazing insight into her life and how she was able to choose forgiveness is a tragic circumstance.

[Diana · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book on the recommendation of a woman who had survived a tragedy. While I can appreciate that others may find comfort in this writing, it is too religious for my preference.

[Meggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book cover to cover in about 8 hours. Amazing book!

[Kayla King · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book in 2017 after it was recommended to me while grieving the death of my best friend and I loved it.

[Joanne Mcleod · Rating 5 out of 5]

At long last through this amazing book I learned what forgiveness truly means - a freedom and a blessing without forgetting. It is a letting go...of the hold and harm the action of wrongdoing (whether real or perceived) has on us and can truly bring healing, growth and love!
Forgiveness is ultimately about showing compassion to ourselves first so we are able to be compassionate towards others.
I love the term Wilma Dirksen uses, "Surrendipity Forgiveness " - surrender ("stop resisting and submit to the reality of the situation") + serendipity ("the ability to find something valuable or agreeable in everything").
This book will definitely be a keeper for reference in the future.

[Lypenner]

Along with many other Winnipegers, I have followed this family's story of grief and forgiveness since Candace went missing in 1984 and subsequently found murdered. When I went to hear Wilma Derksen at the book launch, I was struck by her deep joy and wisdom, the fruit of her journey with forgiveness in the valley of grief. Even if my life has not been touched by such tragedy, the lessons she shares are applicable to us all. I found myself relating to all the things we have to let go of in life, such as "letting go of the old me" and "letting go of my narrow faith". The Derksen's journey touches us all and makes us all better people for knowing them. I can not recommend this book highly enough.

[Andrew]

I read: 51 pages

[Joyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing book! It ties together the author's dealing with a missing and murdered child, her faith and the legal system. Her words of forgiveness will stay with me for a long time.

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Way of Letting Go: One Woman's Walk toward Forgiveness
Beautifully written by a mother who has to suffer the grief of losing her daughter in such a young age and yet she decided to forgive the murderer.
What I love the most about this book is how she honestly shared about her pain and struggle to forgive without patronizing.
Forgive is not an easy or just a one-night decision task, but it takes years and commitment for her to let go.
I learned a lot from her experience. Letting go things that you cannot control is the way to be free and make peace with your life.

Thank you Netgalley for this book

[Leslie McKee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book about processing grief, letting go, and forgiveness. The author hopes to help the reader find closure. For some people, closure will never occur, but life will continue to go on. Derksen explains that forgiveness is an ongoing process.

The book includes various “letting go” statements to assist the reader. Derksen addresses fifteen misconceptions of grief. She defines acceptance as “a person’s assent to the reality of a situation. This is the beginning of surrendering to the brokenness.” She points out that “accepting means letting it go.”

While this book has many helpful tips, it was not what I expected. It was a bit hard to connect with her tragic story. It’s not one that all readers will be able to relate to. Some readers may find parts of the book a bit shocking, so it’s best for ages 18+.

Disclaimer: I rec’d a complimentary copy as part of the BookLook Bloggers program. I wasn’t required to write a positive review.