On the front cover of this book and repeated inside along with the title, is "a novel". I didn't notice that small subtitle and I read the book as if it were a memoir or autobiography; as if this was indeed Nettel's genuine story of her childhood and background. But, I'm aware of That Gap, and like Nettel, I believe we always have a subjective view of the world. She is correct to highlight that one person's version of a family's history is a very minimal or thin covering of what can only be multiple truths. Towards the end Nettel says; 'I don't know if this is the truth about myself, my parents and my brother and the people I encountered; no doubt they would write a different version' - and so she indicates the subjective nature of her material and honours this on the cover, of her novel.
Something else: I started this book, several months ago and it didn't "jell" with me. I had a general feeling of "Oh, let's analyse my youth and identify all the things that went wrong, blame the parents, moan generally about my disadvantages etc." The second time round, I quickly found myself laughing and smirking and enjoying her voice - immensely. How wrong I had been. In my second attempt I enjoyed her story from the beginning to the end, but I found the first half more unusual with perhaps more adroit observations and analyses. The second-half more or less covers "her" teenage years - and follows a fairly normal rebellion phase - for me, it was not quite so interesting.
It's possible I didn't get the tone first time round because of the translation - I think irony can be erased sometimes. Here's the bit where I really started to laugh and understand the full nuance of her voice:
It was the seventies, and my family had embraced some of the prevailing progressive ideas of the time. I went to one of the few Montessori schools in Mexico City (today there's one on every corner). . . . A few times a year there were parties for all the families, and then you could really measure the havoc the seventies had wreaked. Guests at these parties included kids whose parents lived in three-way partnerships or other polygamous situations, and instead of feeling ashamed, they flaunted it. The names of some of my classmates give another eloquent vestige of those years. Some of them reflected ideological leanings, like "Krouchevna," "Lenin," and even "Supreme Soviet" (we nicknamed him "the Viet"). Others spoke to religious beliefs, like "Uma" or "Lini," whose full name honored India's snake of cosmic energy. Others, still, spoke to more personal devotions like "Clitoris." That was the name of a lovely and innocent girl, the daughter of an infrarealist writer, who did not yet comprehend the wrong her parents had done her and who, to her misfortune, didn't have a nickname.
So there is a lot more of that - our six year old explains how her parents resolved on a policy of never telling lies and felt they must explain the details of reproduction, sexual intimacy, Santa Clause and various other non-truths, which she found exceedingly confusing; her three-year old brother was able to float above it all! I hope you saw the reference to "Kundalini..." above?
Anyway, a false start followed by pure pleasure. There's a part of the story where the mother moves the family to France; she is studying for a PhD, and they live in a suburb of Aix-en-Provence, in a notorious suburb called Les Hippocampes - it had a high immigrant population and a corresponding high crime rate. As soon as our author explains that herself and her brother inspite of their fair skins and complexions are also immigrants, from Mexico, the other children and adolescents of the suburb accept them on an equal basis.
Nettel, makes so many observations of the differences between her native Mexico and France, that I also recognised, the long pillow, "hot-dogs" in the hotel, where they stayed on the first night; the impossibility of finding simple lined notebooks. It's true, in France every notebook has a grid system - I have spent hours scanning supermarket shelves for a simple lined notebook. Here are Nettel's thoughts on the same subject:
In Mexico, notebooks are unequivocal: graph paper for math and lined paper for language arts and social sciences. The space between the lines in the latter measure exactly one centimeter and this cannot be changed on a whim. In French notebooks, every page has squares and the space between the lines comes in two different sizes, and for indecisive people like me, knowing where to write presents a dilemma.
She captures exactly that dissonance of feeling when the really basic stuff of your life changes. I've felt that on many occasions. What I liked is not just her fun jokey observations but that this careful observing eye applies her thoughts to everything - from the clothes her school-friends wear to the sub-groups they form, to observations of behaviour and social identities; and what I think I liked most was her continual and endless references to how people are always divided and categorized according to status - either the status of money, wealth and background or the colour of your skin and hair or whether you have an impediment or an unusual or just slightly different appearance from the "norm" whatever that is. Here again is Nettel with her marvellous attacks on how people always want to label:
The teacher decided to sit me next to a pretty girl with chestnut hair. Her name was Julie. Her father was Spanish and they imagined we would understand each other. A few minutes was enough to see that Julie knew perhaps ten words of her parental language - which wasn't Castilian but Catalan - and that we were not going to be close, which I attributed not to a difference of nationality, so much, as to one of self-perception: she was a fairytale princess, I was Gregor Samsa. By the way, Doctor, the other day I was walking by a school and saw a mother yelling at her son like a drill sergeant. The boy, around three years old seemed squashed by the shouts of that out-of-control woman. To defend himself he was sinking his head down and raising his shoulders like someone expecting the roof to fall. I felt a deep sorrow; he made me think of the body and behaviour of a cockroach.
In the above paragraph you can see the framing tool Nettel uses - that of a patient recounting her childhood experiences to a psychologist; and the reference to Kafka's Gregor Samsa, is a backward glance at the narrator's own experience of feeling like a cockroach, especially when her parents were hell-bent on trying to improve the quality of her right eye, which had a white cloud across the pupil.
Nettle ends the novel with a return to the opening chapter, how because of her imperfect eye she had to wear a patch on her good eye - the idea being that the non-working eye would be forced to work. And so the narrator spent most of her primary years perceiving the world through a fog. She had to develop and heighten other senses in order to navigate through her school. She ends by saying that the persistence of not being able to see clearly has stayed with her:
I don't know if I am fulfilling my goal of sticking to the facts but it doesn't matter any more. Interpretations are entirely inevitable and, to be honest, I refuse to give up the immense pleasure I get from making them. Perhaps, when I finally finish it, for my parents and brother this book will be nothing but a string of lies. I take comfort in thinking that objectivity is always subjectivity.
It's strange, but ever since I started with this, it feels like I am disappearing. Not only have I realised how intangible and volatile all these events are-most cannot be proven- but there is also something physical taking place. In certain absolute indispensable moments, my limbs give me a strangely disturbing sensation, as if they belong to a person I don't know.