I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict

by Roni Cohen-Sandler, Michelle Silver

For mothers who are reeling from the rockiness of an ever-changing adolescent, or struggling with a relationship that's deteriorating by the day, here is encouragement, reassurance, and great advice. "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" discusses the social, emotional, cultural, and psychological issues that can lead to mother-daughter conflicts. It offers illuminating and very recognizable case studies, and demonstrates how mother-daughter friction during adolescence can actually empower girls by teaching them invaluable skills. By providing mothers with much-needed encouragement and practical strategies to help their daughters grow into emotionally healthy and capable adults, "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" can transform the tempestuous teenage years into years of positive, enriching growth.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help

280 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

About the author

Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, nationally recognized author, and educator whose various professional roles enhance her ability to help teens, adults, and families. She has written three parenting books, I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!, Trust me—Mom, Everyone Else is Going, and Stressed-out Girls: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure, and is current writing a book about stress for teen girls. Roni Cohen-Sandler gives lectures, workshops, and keynote addresses throughout the U.S. and abroad. She frequently appears as an expert on parenting, raising teenagers, and family relationships for national television, radio, magazines, and newspapers. Through her travels, Roni Cohen-Sandler stays current with cultural trends, the most prevalent challenges teens face today, and their parents’ greatest worries and questions. What she learns about the latest technology, online practices, and teenage behavior further enriches her clinical work.

In her practice, Dr. Cohen-Sandler specializes in psychological testing, individual psychotherapy, and parent guidance. She conducts thorough psychoeducational and neuropsychological evaluations of children, adolescents, and adults struggling with developmental, learning, social-emotional, psychiatric, and behavioral issues. During feedback sessions, Dr. Cohen-Sandler identifies strengths as well as weaknesses along with patterns and key issues, giving parents an in-depth understanding of their children and what is causing their difficulties. She is particularly known for communicating this information in understandable language and providing detailed, applicable recommendations. Dr. Cohen-Sandler often observes students at school, participates in PPT meetings, and guides parents in advocating successfully for their children.

These abilities to zero in on presenting problems and develop corrective strategies facilitate Dr. Cohen-Sandler’s effectiveness in treating the adolescents and adults she sees in psychotherapy. She helps patients to pinpoint unhealthy patterns in relationships and decision-making, better recognize impediments to their goals, and develop viable approaches to overcome them. Dr. Cohen-Sandler’s knowledge of adolescent development, contemporary teen issues, and achievement challenges enables her not only to address core issues with teens, but also to guide their parents. In this work, she encourages mothers and fathers to examine their own histories, beliefs, and parenting approaches to determine what best serves them and their children and to create the strong, trusting relationships.

Reviews

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't laugh, this was an excellent book! The main point I got from this book is that I am not alone- mother/daughter conflict is a universal problem. It was helpful to realize that the teen years are very volatile for girls, and their mothers are the only people in the world who will love them unconditionally. Hence, they take out their frustrations on us. Thank you. But, the authors have great tips on working through issues, great examples, etc. I learned a lot and I know our relationship is better because of it. Having a teenage daughter is wonderful. But it isn't easy!

[Sheela Word · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful, but could have been shorter and deeper. Too many early pages describing what will be discussed later, and how the reader will eventually benefit. Not enough meat in the later pages.

The authors' basic message is "pick your battles." They assert that the right kind of conflict can enhance a relationship. This is heartening and refreshing. Most other parenting books I've read have advocated a higher degree of patience, calm, and reasonableness than I've ever been able to achieve.

The authors also cut teenage girls a lot of slack, describing the pressures they're under, the hormonal changes they're undergoing, etc. Although they make some good points, I'm not sure either stress or hormones justifies some of the absolutely deplorable behavior by teen daughters that is described in "I'm Not Mad." The book's focus seems very narrow to me, and its pronouncements very broad. I would have liked some discussion of mother/daughter relationships across the world and across different socioeconomic strata.

It also feels a little dated.

[Mindi Bennett · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book arrived in my mailbox and I was completely puzzled b/c I didn't order it! I figured someone was trying to give me a hint. Turns out my mom's book club was reading this and she sent me a copy she found for a penny on Amazon. With three daughters, I certainly need a book titled "A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict: Surviving and thriving during your daughter's teenage years".

Now that I finished the book, I'm super grateful that my mom sent it to me. I need to reread the chapters on effective communication often.

[Melissa Dally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, it's good solid advice if you're flying blind for sure. I knew a lot of it. And a lot of the problems discussed hypothetically in the book made me go "Thank goodness that's NOT me!". All parents have their own challenges in raising teenagers. I did pick up a couple of things to get me out of potentially unpleasant discussions. We'll see if they work.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

This wasn't my favorite, which is why i put it down so many times before i finally made myself finish it. Even though it's outdated, it has good advice that stands the test of time. Maybe it's because my eldest is still in the darling stage of the preteen era and not quite in the trenches of teenagehood, but this book didn't quite speel to me the same way other parenting books have.

[Carolina Rodríguez · Rating 3 out of 5]

Encontré 2 o 3 insights nuevos en temas de crianza. En general es un libro al que le sobran páginas, pudo ser más corto y concreto.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book the day after my teenaged daughter told me that she hated me and slammed the door in my face. I had spent the evening in tears, and the next day I turned to Amazon.com for some therapy! My daughter and I later patched things up, and I promptly stopped reading the book, but it sure was great to know that it was a common enough occurrence to have a book with that title!!! :)

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great help for those mommies with upcoming teens-I'll reread it in about 5 years. I really liked how it made me aware of the challenges teens girls face and reminded me to communicate better when we hit that "stage." UG!

[Angela Coleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! Heartbreaking time for a sensitive mother with a tender heart but this book helped to put things into perspective. Nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way and nice to get some ideas to improve the situation.

[Debbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

excellent.helpful.

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great insight on how both mothers & daughters view different situations.

[MD · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is by far and away the best book I've read relating to my teen daughter. It is so spot on it is scary.