Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm

by Beth A. Grosshans, Janet H. Burton

The covers of such magazines as Time and Newsweek have described parents as living in “mayhem” and “madness” with their children. TV’s Supernanny regularly captures kids wildly, unbelievably out of control. How did our families get to such a state? Child psychologist Dr. Beth Grosshans has the answer. And mothers and fathers everywhere are listening. In what is sure to become a much-discussed blockbuster, Dr. Grosshans reveals why she believes nearly a half-century of parenting advice—with its emphasis on talking, exalting children’s self-esteem, and time-outs—is largely to blame for today’s lack of discipline. Her innovative ideas and techniques challenge this prevailing culture, proving that power and authority are as essential as love and good intentions to effective parenting. She persuasively explains why kids can only grow up healthy and strong when firmly led by their parents’ experience and better judgment, and provides a clear, easy five step program to follow. She enables parents to look at themselves clearly and identify their child-rearing style; they are often shocked to discover how their own behavior has inadvertently caused an imbalance in the family’s structure. Reading Beyond Time-Out is akin to sitting with Dr. Grosshans in her clinical office—and her core truths about healthy parent-child relationships are timeless.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help

332 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Best part: permission to send a misbehaving child to his room. Our pediatrician had told us not to do this - too many distractions in a child's room for it really to be punishment. But timeouts where ever we are never seem to work - the whole time is spend saying "Don't talk," "Don't put your feet on the wall," "Face the wall," "Don't touch the shelves." I suppose I could rearrange the house, but sending a misbehaving child to his room also gives the stressed parent a chance to calm down as well.

[Lee Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll tell you what I'll tell my bookstore customers, after I order in a pile of these and handsell the shit out of it: If you have a kid in the terrible twos, or even worse threes (and, oh yes, the threes are much, much worse), you read this book. Then make your spouse read it. Then do what it says. It's like a magic trick, it works and you're astonished.

Grosshans' concept can seem stringent, and some of her phrasing is clunky, but you can't argue with results. Do it just like she says, and it works, and your kid may even like you better for it.

[Alexandra Cannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the perfect parenting book for me at this stage in my kids' development. I found her approach to discipline to be exactly what I was looking for. No more democratic parenting, explaining yourself to your kids, seeking their approval or agreement on things (often times unwittingly), but at the same time being strict with your kids and disciplining them does not entail anger or harshness or being punitive. In fact, it reminds you that it is essential to be loving and calm. The premise of the book is that parents have surrendered far too much power to their children Kids cannot handle the power they have taken and are making family life totally unmanageable. Parents need to be the ones in charge in order for families to function well (and for kids to function well) and Grosshans teaches you how to regain control. It really is like the Dog Whisperer for children.

You will definitely get more out of the book by reading it yourself, but in a nutshell, here are her steps towards regaining control in your household and teaching your child to be obedient and respectful:

1) Start with a friendly bid for cooperation: "Honey, it is time to wash hands for dinner."

2) If ignored, then move on to a business-like reminder: Move over to you kid and get down on his level before you now say: "Bobby, I have told you to wash hands for dinner. This is the second time I am telling you. If I have to tell you again then you will be going to your room." Tone is matter-of-fact, not angry or threatening in any way.

3) If still ignored, guide them gently but firmly in their room no matter the protestation with in "Oh well, so be it" attitude on your part. Time in his room does not need to be some sort of hardship. It is good if the kid can redirect himself with a toy or book while in there and emerge calm and ready to cooperate again. Set the terms of time-out: stay in here. you can come out when I say it is ok.

4) If the child runs out of his room or is loud and obnoxious, then shut the door.

5) If the child is still out of control, wrecking his room, etc, the Parent Hold may be necessary. I have mixed feelings about the parent hold. I have let my son cry it out tantrum-style in his room until he exhausted himself and stopped, and it seemed to work and he came out calm and ready to be reasonable, but I also tried a modified parent hold in which I just hugged my little guy to stop him from destroying his room and going crazy, and he responded really well and calmed down much faster.

The book has a lot of trouble-shooting sections for when kids disobey in various settings or possible negative responses to her "ladder" technique. I think what I loved most about this book was that it changes your expectations of your kids and yourself. When children misbehave, it is not because of some character flaw; it is because they are kids and are acting childish. Disciplining is not about punishing or making kids suffer so that they will behave correctly; it is a teaching ("disciple") duty that parents must carry out lovingly, calmly and with the realization that they are on the same side as their child.

I feel like a great parent when I am strictly adhering to the principles in this book, and my kids have been responding really well.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have tried several times to explain to husband/friends why I REALLY REALLY REALLY liked this parenting book and what it comes down to is this: the author gives GREAT common sense logical parenting techniques that help you as the parent feel like you are in control and it gives you confidence in doing so! The author gives practical techniques (and the theory behind them) to help you parent your children with love and respect. I'd read some other parenting books like Love and Logic but thought this was LOADS BETTER. I just felt like this book totally hit the nail on the head and was realistic about what parents can expect from their children and what parents need to expect and demand of themselves! I highly recommend this book to anyone who has kids!

[Erika Wagner · Rating 1 out of 5]

Despite the promising title, this book really doesn't get much beyond time out...
And it's written in a style I found both overly antagonistic and pedantic.

When she told me how I should hold my finger up in the air, cocked at a slight angle, to show I meant business, I switched to skimming, rather than reading.

[Liz Millay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I grabbed this from the library after it was recommended to me and didn’t really know anything about it. I was pleasantly surprised! It had a lot of practical advice that fit perfectly with my parenting goals. I didn’t agree with every application the author made, but overall finished reading the book feeling much more equipped to lead my children with a kind, calm, and consistent authority.

[Lisa Anita · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is focused on 3-10 yr. olds, but I'm trying to be preemptive.

[Chelsea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super informational! Very happy I came across this one! Worth every page.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Useful and applicable to home and classroom.

[Brad Walters · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is based on a faulty premise that most or all families suffer from an imbalance of family power, empowering children at the expense of necessary parental authority. The author is wrong in this assumption. Even if one finds her premise accurate, though, her tactics are terrible.

The author assigns all parents to one or more caricatured, insulting archetypes; makes aggressive proclamations with anecdotal evidence, at best; condescends constantly to peer authors and readers alike; and regularly makes points that are logically inconsistent with earlier ironclad rules (ex: timeouts in bedrooms aren’t punishments, but merely time to regain self-control; later: if a timeout is impractical in the moment, it should be applied later as time “owed” to the parent, even if the child has calmed down and regained control).

Also, for a book explicitly styled as "beyond timeout," the proposed methods are overwhelmingly timeout-centric.

There are bits and pieces of useful advice, but overall, the book is garbage, and the author comes across as a jerk. Move along, fellow parents.

[Fernando · Rating 5 out of 5]

The main thesis of the book is that parents should have control of the power in the structure of the family. We had always had that goal in our parenting style, but the book opened our eyes about ourselves and helped us correct our course in the way we were doing it. It helped me a great deal to stay calm during bad times and to see how my kid was exploiting my emotions to his benefit, which, in turn, was making things escalate further unnecessarily.

We know too many parents that are either too erratic, too soft, explain too much, etc... which either confuses the kid or use it to be the masters in the family structure. I wish I could force them to read this book! I think that the sooner parents have that introspection and goals in mind, the better.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have a one year old and was hoping to get a leg up on maintaining our calm and peaceful family home as he gets older. I don't want to get into a pattern of constant power struggles.

I chose this book because the author is a child psychologist with 15 years of clinical experience. I don't read any parenting books written by people without really good credentials anymore.

She coined the term Imbalance of Family Power (IFP) to label what she's come across most often in her 15 years working with troubled families; the parents have handed their power over to the kids by failing to set and enforce limits and boundaries, leading to all manner of troublesome behaviour, including frequent tantrums, whining, begging, name calling, outright defiance...you name it.

Her solution for families in crisis is pretty tough; parent/caregiver asks once nicely, the second time is a stern reminder (only ask twice), the third is action (time out to the room), the fourth is set the terms and shut the door. If the child is not calming down, the parent enters the room and the parent hold is employed (hold the child firmly as they tantrum). (There is a little more to the five step "ladder" process beyond this rough outline).

The most important thing I learned reading this book is that children's power seeking is a completely natural and normal part of their development. How we deal with it as responsible adults is our choice. We should not take our responsibility to maintain power in the relationship lightly. Children with too much power are unhappy and confused at heart and resort to acting out. The child pushes the boundaries because he's trying to FIND a boundary. Once he finds the boundary imposed by the caring and consistent caregiver, the child can relax.

The author provides many examples of unnecessary daily power struggles that I'm sure we've all either witnessed or lived through. She asserts that daily power struggles are not a normal and necessary product of parenting, and that they are preventable.

I will not use this method de facto with my son, as I recognize it's a philosophy and outlining her intervention method for serious cases.

I learned a lot from the book and enjoyed reading it. I would recommend to everyone who's interested in child rearing.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't read many self help or parenting book, not because I think I have it all figured it out, but because I tend to doubt that any of us do. After dealing with a two year old who won't stay in bed for too long, this title caught my eye. I read the first chapter where the author describes various errant parenting profiles, the pleaser, the pushover, etc. I recognized some of my own parenting habits in a few of the profiles and duly proceeded to making a mental list of changes I needed to make. I read her chapter on how to handle tantrums, not listening, etc. and the chapter on sleep issues. There were good reminders about consistency, establishing boundaries and avoiding lengthy explanations/negotiations.

However, her promotion and description of physical holds seemed extreme, except in the most extreme of situations. I have been trained on using holds when a child with certain types of behavioral disorders is exhibiting dangerous behaviors in a school setting. But up to the point of this description in the book, that's not the child that we were talking about. The book was describing and I was imagining my own kids who don't comply the 1st, 2nd or sometimes 3rd time you ask them to pick up their toys or when my two year old yells and screams when I put her back in bed when she'd rather stay up. Neither of these scenarios are ideal, and I do need to be more consistent and brief in my response. These kinds of behaviors do not in my mind warrant the kinds of physical engagement that she describes. The author does say that each parent has to decide when to move to this level and that they should never restrain (I don't think she uses the word restrain, but the word certainly matches her explicit description) when they are emotional, etc. but the suggestion itself presents a slippery slope.

I will take away a few reminders, but I have concerns about some of her suggestions and about the premise in general that there is one right way to parent every child...again, why I tend to avoid this part of the dewey decimal system.

Now back to the two year old who just got out of bed...

[Renee · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is some great, very specific advice for parents to take the reigns of power in their home, and create a healthy environment for their kids. I loved how the advice was general enough to apply to any situation where you want your kid to cooperate, and then got very specific with exactly what to say in specific situations like at a restaurant or in the car. It definitely makes sense to me, but daunting to implement because if you only go halfway apparently you are worse off than before. So it makes me feel like I have to be perfect to get this method to work. This method is also limited because it doesn't really apply to younger than four, or teenagers. It should set the foundation for a working relationship when your children graduate to teen status.
I am using this method and really like it so far. I feel less frustrated because I'm better prepared with a response in any situation. It was also helpful to read through the different parenting styles at the beginning of the book. I found myself in all the descriptions, but one or two fit me better than the others. The rest of the advice in the book seems mostly geared for "pleaser" and "pushover" type parents, and there is less help for "forcers" and "outlier" type parents.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. I agreed mostly with what Grosshans had to say, it all made a lot of sense to me. It is full of practical advice that is easy to follow. She is writing about children ages 3-10, my oldest is almost 4, so some didn't apply directly, but was still helpful. I do wish she had included a section on preventing the problems discussed, but that's just because I have an 18 month old who gets into stuff all day long. :) I am applying the principles of her "ladder" to a smaller scale, even to him. I will reference back to this book as my kids get older. I recommend it to all parents, especially with children under 12.

[Stacie · Rating 3 out of 5]

For the new parent struggling with toddler issues that may not come as common sense for you. There were a few helpful hints in this book, but as a whole there are better suggestions out there in chat rooms or advice boards on the web. No one knows your kid like you. And as this book suggests, kissing your kid at the end of the night and walking away may not do it for you. I personally need to gate my little one in his room and hide in the basement until he passes out on the floor. The only thing this book has taught me is to curb my temper. The Chaos to Calm part of the title applied more to my nerves.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came to me when I needed it most! I was at my wits end and blowing up all the time at my 3 year old and feeling guilty all the time about my over reactions to the constant power struggle with my wonderful daughter. I could go on and on but I will keep it short and say that it worked for me the day I cracked it (I skipped ahead to the Ladder chapter as I was so desperate for guidance then went back and started at the beginning). It is still working a week later and I have a long way to go to master the technique. I am excited to say I have found a wise book that really gives parents better skills in handling their children in a positive and powerful way. Love this book.

[Aubrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

As with most parenting books, I didn't agree with everything that was said in this book, but I understood her point. I implemented her "Ladder Strategy" and have already noticed an improvement in the overall stress-level of our household. No longer do I find myself yelling, pleading and begging with my children. It didn't really address what to do about more "severe" situations such as biting and hitting. I didn't find her "Toileting" section very helpful at all. As with most parenting books, you have to adjust them to your children needs, but overall a good read.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a nice approach to a more effective way to use time-out. It doesn't go into much detail as far as other forms of discipline, as the main focus is getting your child to obey by being consistent and following through with everything you ask/require of them. Even if your child is usually well-behaved, this is a good way to "fine tune" your interaction to help things go more smoothly. The main focus is definitely on how to change your parenting style to be more effective, rather than how to "fix" your child.

[Kirsten · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend this one. So practical, I really needed to read it after finding myself yelling at my six year old the other day - he wasn't the one out of control! So the bottom line is family hierarchy's are getting a bit shot by ideas of democracy - good for countries, not so for little kids who don't really have the skills for making decisions for the family/mum's wellbeing. Have implemented a little bit and liking the results.

[Ricardo · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author provides useful tips for dealing with children's misbehavior using a technique she calls "the ladder". It is a variation of the well known time-out, but basically the idea is for parents to act more as an authority than a negotiator. Whereas I get the idea behind this technique, I believe it should be used in combination with other techniques, and probably more so in situations that require a corrective action more and not so much a minor disagreement with children.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agreed with most of the material in the book. I feel that I'm recharged and ready to be an affective parent. I wish I knew if the author has children because a few of her ideas seemed to not be based on real life. All in all a good book that I would recommend to parents who feel like they need a boost.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very refreshing take on parenting and the parental role as leader. I very much appreciate the departure from "democrating parenting" in which parents are encouraged to explain everything, give choices, and basically treat their preschooler like a mini-adult that requires kid-glove treatment. We've already started to implement, and so far, so good.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really, I didn't like it much. I do have to admit, I skimmed most of the book. I agree that parents need to be the leaders of the family and hold most of the power, but I felt that she had a condescending attitude toward children. I did like the parent-hold technique suggested to help calm your child down in a major fit, but have not tried it yet.

[ratherastory · Rating 2 out of 5]

I forgot to update this when I finished reading it, and now for the life of me can't remember a thing about it. That probably says a fair bit about this book already. I don't remember anything horrifyingly bad in it, which I suppose is a good sign. Obviously I have no plans to go back and use this as a reference.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not in to touchy feely stuff & this had a bit too much sap than I like; however, the whole point was being consistent & following through on discipline. Again, why isn't as easy as the book says it is?

[Mckaye · Rating 4 out of 5]

We are implementing much of the information in this book with a lot of success. I think at this stage though we just need to be consistent and always follow through. I'm still in a heavy parenting book phase. What can I say, it's my life/job! :)

[Cate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truly love this book! I want to give it to everyone with kids. And everyone who will have kids.
Absolutely crucial for when the kiddos get "too smart" for time-out. Practical advice, well written, and if you follow it, results within 24 hours. Seriously!

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite parenting book yet...a healthy approach to discipline wherein she turns timeout into a 5-step ladder process (timeout is one of the steps) and promises "obedient, cooperative, and loving children." So far, it's been great for us.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic, productive techniques to keep the balance of power where it needs to be - with the parents. Tough, but effective, and far better tips (for our family) than time-outs, talking it out, etc. etc.