Don't Leave Yet: How My Mother's Alzheimer's Opened My Heart

by Constance Hanstedt

As a young girl in the Midwest, Constance Hanstedt was consumed by fear—of her parents, especially her disapproving mother, Virginia; of social situations; and of people in general. Unable to connect with those around her, she embraced perfectionism as a substitute for love. Raising her own family eased some of Hanstedt’s self-doubt. But even as an adult she remained guarded around her mother, avoiding conflict at all costs. Still, when Virginia developed Alzheimer’s, Hanstedt did what the perfect daughter she’d always struggled to be would do: she returned to the Midwestern town where she was raised to help care for a mother who could no longer care for herself. In Don’t Leave Yet, Hanstedt recounts her journey toward facing her fears and rising above the past; her mother’s unrelenting bitterness regarding life, even as she loses memories of it; and her unexpected discovery of an emotion that reaches beyond familial duty: compassion.

Genres: Memoir, Biography

194 pages, Paperback

First published April 21, 2015

Reviews

[Julie]

An honest look at a difficult mother daughter relationship over the years and culminating in the mother's death. The author seamlessly switches between current and past events revealing the characters of each family member and how they interact with one another through time.

The siblings are determined to support each other through their mother's Alzheimers and subsequent move from her own home into assisted living. They go through the grueling and emotional task of closing the family home and try to share the responsibility for caring for their mother each in their own way. There were tears and pain and ultimately, growth and change.

Poignant quotes:

"By the end of the week, we'd have Mom packed and moved. I held her hand tightly in mine. I didn't want to let go. Not now. Not ever."

"Strong parents never die," I laughed. "They stick around to make sure we don't slip up, or maybe, in some cases, to hold us up."

"Her life had been peeled and sectioned like an orange. Dementia would devour all of it."

"I was struck by the strangeness of dressing a parent. We'd had little physical contact over the years, nothing to prepare me for this intimate act."

"For most of my life she'd been unreadable, the workings of her mind obscured by an invisible veil."

"Old emotions surfaced, and I responded with more tenderness toward my mother and myself."

[Eloise Hamann]

I won this book in raffle. i had a choice of books, but having lost a mother less than a month ago to dementia I chose this one. Because of the courageous, honest writing, reading this book made me feel I was having coffee with a new interesting friend telling me her story. The numerous flashbacks to family incidents when Constance was a child run the gamut of human emotions: humor, humiliation, pain, intimidation, resentment, fun, all told in an entertaining style while making me think I know her and her family. She was not afraid to show the good, the bad, and the ugly.


With people living longer, more Alzheimers is predicted among the elderly. A cure is still elusive, which has the inevitable conclus
The most impressive aspect of her story is her devotion to see to the care of a dominating mother who was far from warm and cuddly. It seemed as hard for Connie as it was for me to lose a loving mother who worked hard most of her life to make life good for her family. The mother/daughter connection evidently is strong. I could relate to Connie worrying over too much of a burden falling on her sister. The nail-biting story of getting Mom to a family wedding was one of the best in the memoir and one I also experienced.ion of more people dealing with the issue of 'what do we do about Mom.' This memoir is a lovely reminder that the feelings experienced won't be unique.

[Shannon Wise]

I really liked this book. It's not only the story of one women's descent into Alzheimer's, but also of a daughter who finally begins to understand her mother. Constance Hanstedt's family is dysfunctional, to say the least. Her father may or may not have been an alcoholic and her mother was an overly-stern task master with her children. Constance, her brother and sister were raised in a house without expressions of affection.

After Constance's father dies, she and her sister notice that her mother is acting strangely. It isn't until she is admitted to the hospital that they find out she has Alzheimer's. Constance and her sister, Judy, then have to take an inventory of their mother's house to auction her household items, except for the few things they opt to keep.

The book is written with flashbacks to Constance's childhood and her relationship with her family. In this way, Constance shows how the damage she sustained in her childhood forged who she became as a parent. She makes a conscious effort to parent her children much differently than she was parented. At the same time, as her mother falls deeper into her disease, Constance gains some understanding of why her mother is they way she is.

The book is not a sad story, but rather the story of a daughter reconciling her relationship with her mother and coming to terms with her family's history of mental illness. I enjoyed it and would recommend it.

I won this book from Goodreads and have received no compensation for my review. The opinions expressed herein are mine and mine alone.

[Jennifer]

Constance Hanstedt writes a poignant, heart felt, memorable memoir of her life as her mother's daughter and the onset and early days of her mother's dementia and Alzheimer's. A key piece to Connie's story is the relationship with her sister Judy and how their time as sisters and friends has changed since they were children.

Ms. Hanstedt doesn't simply put words to the page. She uses words to create imagery for readers; whether it is pictures of her mother's home as they ready it to sell or the annual summer trips she took with her family as a child. She ties in what made her into the adult she is by going back to memories from her childhood and beyond. Whether the reader has an adult in their life with dementia or Alzheimer's, Ms. Hanstedt's writing is easy to relate to.

I highlighted many sentences of this book, but one which hits home is:

"I didn't think I'd ever comprehend Mom's loss. But I did know this: Her life had been peeled and sectioned like an orange. Dementia would devour all of it."

Thank you, Ms. Hanstedt for this book.




I would like to note the publisher provided an advance copy of this book for me to read and review.

[Barbara Stark-Nemon]

Constance Hanstedt’s Don’t Leave Yet is a poignant memoir of her journey to reach acceptance not only of the slow loss of her mother to Alzheimer’s Disease, but of Hanstedt’s parallel journey to reckon with her conflicted relationship to her mother and its impact in the rest of the family. That she focuses on maintaining a loving pathway, despite ample opportunities to pursue her understanding differently is a tribute to the author’s strength and positivity. That she writes with such clarity and beauty is a gift to the reader. Brava Constance!

[Victoria Sills]

I found the book to be deeper than the challenges of a parent's dementia. The family dynamics and relationships amongst the family members at all stages of life brought the reality of her mother's disease full circle to a point of reconciliation & enlightenment. It was very moving & allowed me as a reader to reflect on many of my own life's moments, besides the years of my father-in-law's dementia.

[Kristina]

I had received this book by winning a good reads giveaway. It arrived yesterday and I just finished it now. It was almost impossible to put down because I was so curious to what would happen next. This is a must read about the love of a family despite numerous tough years and the resilience of the human spirit. I hope this book touches your heart like it touched mine!