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224 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 2, 2026
‘You don’t get it,’ he’d say, miserably, or, ‘How could you understand?’
‘It’s all right for you,’ he said, to me. ‘You’ve never cared about anything in your life.’
I used to feel, at those times, talking to him, as if I were trying to climb a steep sand dune, while he stood on the crest: exultant in his misery.
‘Do you know how many offers I’ve had?’
‘You haven’t applied for anything,’ I said.
‘Not one,’ he said, triumphantly. ‘Not a dicky bird.’
“You haven’t applied for anything!’ I said, again, as if that were relevant to the point he was pushing.
He didn’t want reassurance. He didn’t want sense. He didn’t want fellowship. He did not want a substantive conversation. I found it mind-bending, to be faced down by this wilful ignorance from one of the cleverest people I knew. I felt like a prey object. Putnam was forty-nine! And as well as living , had he not spent a good proportion of those years reading, thinking, watching films? Had none of that given him an inkling of how to face life? Some model for elegant survival? Maybe this was all one in the eye for that old myth. Or new myth, was it? Newspaper-pedalled? If I thought of it that way I was less lost.
When David featured in her conversation it was only ever in this role: as am inexplicable encumbrance, a kind of mortifying, supernatural blight. It struck me later that it was only me who called David her boyfriend. All she ever said, in all those years, was that they ‘went around together’. His motives were mysterious, too. It seemed an outlandish fate, to trail along behind my mother, ignored and despised.
She didn’t miss a beat, when David left her. She continued to lambast him, but from a new angle. In line with her ‘going around together’ she now said he’d ‘gone off with’ an old girlfriend – somebody from decades ago who had found him on Facebook. Just weeks later he was moving in with her, into her cottage in Yorkshire.