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If I Can't Have You
My fingers came up and gently trailed along the black marker marring my skin. My eyes lowered. It wasn’t the large, black, boldly displayed letters that spelled out the word WHORE across my chest that had me truly crippled with fear in that moment, but the letters printed beneath them, below my belly, across my lower abdomen… large, menacing... a word with more far reaching implications than the simple derogatory insult someone who would drug and rape a woman might throw at them. No, this was far more unsettling, far more frightening. Drawn across my lower bellow, just above the neatly groomed curls nestled between my legs, written in black maker, in capital letters, was the word MINE.
1157 pages, AO3 story
Published November 2, 2024
68 people are currently reading
1110 people want to read
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July 9, 2025
⤅ I can't remember the last time I gave out a 5 star rating. It might not even have been this side of January. And now I'm giving it to a typo-ridden AO3 fic, because it puts most of the published work I've read recently to shame.
I came across this one because it was suddenly ALL OVER the dark romance subreddit I occasionally hang out on, so my curiosity was piqued. Most 'dark' romance leaves me totally unmoved; it often feels like authors just try to stuff in shock-awe tactics (whipping! kidnapping! killing! mafia!) instead of really exploring what it means, psychologically in particular, to write a dark romance. I've lost count of the number of books I've read where the only 'darkness' is that the hero is portrayed as some kind of merciless killer who guts people left, right and centre, without any sort of analysis of what that sort of person might actually be like in REALITY.
Well, Caleb is here to tell you how. He doesn't kill anyone. We don't see him being violent with anyone (apart from rough sex with the heroine). He's literally a lawyer, and I wouldn't say we're really known for our fearsomeness. And yet he's one of the most terrifying heroes I've come across in a long time, because he is the embodiment of everyday evil.
To take a few steps back: this book is about 26-year-old Ellie, or as Caleb calls her, Orla. She's a tax lawyer working for a Big Four accounting firm in Boston, and her new boss is 31-year-old Caleb, a fellow tax lawyer. She's scared stiff of him. Everyone seems to love the company golden boy, but she hates how cutting his criticism can be. Her job is stressful. She has no friends, and she isn't close to her family. She's self-medicating with a little too much Xanax and alcohol, but she's fine. Really...
Until someone - Caleb, of course, though she doesn't then know it - breaks into her apartment, blindfolds her, and rapes her all weekend long. And then he does it again. And again. And before long, Orla is on the edge of losing her mind, and Caleb is on the edge of losing his control. Because this was only supposed to be a temporary thing, to teach her a lesson for being an uptight know-it-all who refused his offers of help when she first joined. But now he can't stop, and he's risking everything for someone who doesn't even like him.
I honestly am struggling to express how much I was sucked into this story. It is, in a word, magnetic. The plot is actually pretty easy to summarise: though it's over 300,000 words long, the story is very (wonderfully) slice-of-life, like if Alice Coldbreath wrote contemporary dark romances, and we get chapter after chapter of nothing more intrinsically exciting than the characters going to work and then going home, interspersed with having sex. I absolutely loved how much detail is given about their working lives, actually. Both Orla and Caleb take their jobs very seriously, and delightfully, the author hasn't made them the sort of nebulously rich never-have-to-work characters who so often populate romances: we actually see how much they work all the time, check their emails and go into meetings, stay up late at night writing reports if they have to. Being in corporate law myself, I don't think I've ever come across a story which so realistically presents the professional aspect as much as this one does. This did a lot to lend the story an air of realism that means you're just swept along with it and have to keep going.
The other thing that saves the story from being terrifically boring, considering its objectively repetitive chapters, is the sheer psychological nature of it. It's insane. It's written in first person, and first off, even though there's dual POV, I didn't mind at all because they actually felt distinct and realistic. In fact, I almost loved Caleb's chapters more than Orla's, and I never prefer male POV. One really gets the sense of how stifling and anxious it is to be in Orla's head - I found myself developing a pit in my stomach alongside her, whenever she was scared she'd annoyed Caleb.
Secondly, the mental progression from 'terrified rape victim' to 'unwilling lover' to 'mutual fanatical obsession' is portrayed INCREDIBLY. That's why you need 300,000 words: to make a trajectory like that convincing, and boy does the author pull it off. Orla is simultaneously a successful, intelligent professional (whom Caleb praises and elevates) and a whimpering, anxious mess (whom he starts off raping, degrades and has sex with rather rougher than I really care to read about it, but it was so compelling I couldn't not). Getting her to a place, mentally, where these two personas can coexist inside her required an incredibly skilful author, and somehow this anonymous typo-ridden randomer on AO3 PULLED. IT. OFF.
10/10, no notes.
I came across this one because it was suddenly ALL OVER the dark romance subreddit I occasionally hang out on, so my curiosity was piqued. Most 'dark' romance leaves me totally unmoved; it often feels like authors just try to stuff in shock-awe tactics (whipping! kidnapping! killing! mafia!) instead of really exploring what it means, psychologically in particular, to write a dark romance. I've lost count of the number of books I've read where the only 'darkness' is that the hero is portrayed as some kind of merciless killer who guts people left, right and centre, without any sort of analysis of what that sort of person might actually be like in REALITY.
Well, Caleb is here to tell you how. He doesn't kill anyone. We don't see him being violent with anyone (apart from rough sex with the heroine). He's literally a lawyer, and I wouldn't say we're really known for our fearsomeness. And yet he's one of the most terrifying heroes I've come across in a long time, because he is the embodiment of everyday evil.
To take a few steps back: this book is about 26-year-old Ellie, or as Caleb calls her, Orla. She's a tax lawyer working for a Big Four accounting firm in Boston, and her new boss is 31-year-old Caleb, a fellow tax lawyer. She's scared stiff of him. Everyone seems to love the company golden boy, but she hates how cutting his criticism can be. Her job is stressful. She has no friends, and she isn't close to her family. She's self-medicating with a little too much Xanax and alcohol, but she's fine. Really...
Until someone - Caleb, of course, though she doesn't then know it - breaks into her apartment, blindfolds her, and rapes her all weekend long. And then he does it again. And again. And before long, Orla is on the edge of losing her mind, and Caleb is on the edge of losing his control. Because this was only supposed to be a temporary thing, to teach her a lesson for being an uptight know-it-all who refused his offers of help when she first joined. But now he can't stop, and he's risking everything for someone who doesn't even like him.
I honestly am struggling to express how much I was sucked into this story. It is, in a word, magnetic. The plot is actually pretty easy to summarise: though it's over 300,000 words long, the story is very (wonderfully) slice-of-life, like if Alice Coldbreath wrote contemporary dark romances, and we get chapter after chapter of nothing more intrinsically exciting than the characters going to work and then going home, interspersed with having sex. I absolutely loved how much detail is given about their working lives, actually. Both Orla and Caleb take their jobs very seriously, and delightfully, the author hasn't made them the sort of nebulously rich never-have-to-work characters who so often populate romances: we actually see how much they work all the time, check their emails and go into meetings, stay up late at night writing reports if they have to. Being in corporate law myself, I don't think I've ever come across a story which so realistically presents the professional aspect as much as this one does. This did a lot to lend the story an air of realism that means you're just swept along with it and have to keep going.
The other thing that saves the story from being terrifically boring, considering its objectively repetitive chapters, is the sheer psychological nature of it. It's insane. It's written in first person, and first off, even though there's dual POV, I didn't mind at all because they actually felt distinct and realistic. In fact, I almost loved Caleb's chapters more than Orla's, and I never prefer male POV. One really gets the sense of how stifling and anxious it is to be in Orla's head - I found myself developing a pit in my stomach alongside her, whenever she was scared she'd annoyed Caleb.
Secondly, the mental progression from 'terrified rape victim' to 'unwilling lover' to 'mutual fanatical obsession' is portrayed INCREDIBLY. That's why you need 300,000 words: to make a trajectory like that convincing, and boy does the author pull it off. Orla is simultaneously a successful, intelligent professional (whom Caleb praises and elevates) and a whimpering, anxious mess (whom he starts off raping, degrades and has sex with rather rougher than I really care to read about it, but it was so compelling I couldn't not). Getting her to a place, mentally, where these two personas can coexist inside her required an incredibly skilful author, and somehow this anonymous typo-ridden randomer on AO3 PULLED. IT. OFF.
10/10, no notes.
January 7, 2025
The best dark romance I've ever read.
January 9, 2025
This story FED me—I loved how long it was. I love reading about the small, day-to-day things in a story, and this really delivered 😋.
I wasn't too big on the climax and how it played out, however as a whole I really enjoyed this. DD really knows how to write a dark romance (omg also the cameos from her other work? I was screaming).
Can't wait for the epilogue!
I wasn't too big on the climax and how it played out, however as a whole I really enjoyed this. DD really knows how to write a dark romance (omg also the cameos from her other work? I was screaming).
Can't wait for the epilogue!
October 28, 2025
Oct. 27, 2025 reread:
Still hits as good as the first time. I'm about halfway through the story (based on the EPUB that I have), and I have to call attention to the chef's kiss that is Caleb. I love how much he thinks Orla is smart and beautiful, how much he puts his weight behind her when there is sexism at work. It is so hot to me, the reader, how much he sees how smart and capable she is, and wants to support her on her career.
I also love how sexually evil and vile he is! The smut is smut-ing. And there is this part where he is so desperate for Orla, telling her that they'd be a power couple, that he loves her, that he will protect her if she will let him, and it's the type of deranged yearning that might be pathetic, but I love a man down BAD on his knees.
And again, just marvelling at the characterization. I love how Orla thinks and assesses a situation. I love how they both can interpret the same situation in such different ways... Caleb thinks she's a stuck-up bitch, but they are both arrogant. There's such a good line when Caleb says to Chris that she thinks she's too good for him, but not in the conventional sense (he rattles off how hot, rich, charming he is lol), but in that because he'd be the catch for any woman, so she's above that. WHAT A READ. But also Orla, I get you girl.
***
One of my favourite dark romances of all time. Thought I already shelved this on my GR!
The most similar to this story, although If I Can't Have You is much more explicit and darker, is Asha Everly's Contention (don't bother reading the sequel). They are both ambitious about their white-collar jobs, and the beginning is very similar (heroine is SA-ed, but is unaware of who it is), as well as abuse of self-medication. If I Can't Have You has one of the most powerful/captivating spirals into pill addiction that I have read in a romance.
Still hits as good as the first time. I'm about halfway through the story (based on the EPUB that I have), and I have to call attention to the chef's kiss that is Caleb. I love how much he thinks Orla is smart and beautiful, how much he puts his weight behind her when there is sexism at work. It is so hot to me, the reader, how much he sees how smart and capable she is, and wants to support her on her career.
I also love how sexually evil and vile he is! The smut is smut-ing. And there is this part where he is so desperate for Orla, telling her that they'd be a power couple, that he loves her, that he will protect her if she will let him, and it's the type of deranged yearning that might be pathetic, but I love a man down BAD on his knees.
And again, just marvelling at the characterization. I love how Orla thinks and assesses a situation. I love how they both can interpret the same situation in such different ways... Caleb thinks she's a stuck-up bitch, but they are both arrogant. There's such a good line when Caleb says to Chris that she thinks she's too good for him, but not in the conventional sense (he rattles off how hot, rich, charming he is lol), but in that because he'd be the catch for any woman, so she's above that. WHAT A READ. But also Orla, I get you girl.
***
One of my favourite dark romances of all time. Thought I already shelved this on my GR!
The most similar to this story, although If I Can't Have You is much more explicit and darker, is Asha Everly's Contention (don't bother reading the sequel). They are both ambitious about their white-collar jobs, and the beginning is very similar (heroine is SA-ed, but is unaware of who it is), as well as abuse of self-medication. If I Can't Have You has one of the most powerful/captivating spirals into pill addiction that I have read in a romance.
January 8, 2025
I started reading this after I read B&PF and the entire time, I thought Caleb was an angel.
Anyway, I reread it a few weeks ago because it had been a year since a full reading. I was shocked to find he wasn’t an angel he was a prick. But I still love him. Sue me
Anyway, I reread it a few weeks ago because it had been a year since a full reading. I was shocked to find he wasn’t an angel he was a prick. But I still love him. Sue me
February 15, 2025
I just finished this book, took me 2 days. At first I wasn't sure if I would read it, I didn't know how a dark romance book could possibly be nearly as long as War & Peace and be engaging at the same time. I am so glad I was wrong. This book was fantastic, it made me cry...a lot. But also laugh. It was a rollercoaster of emotions.
At the end, I think it was the length of this book which really allowed me to sink into the world. The characters were well flushed out, even the side characters. The mental health issues were represented well, and when the story touched on some really dark topics, they were presented as facts and not fantasy which I appreciated. Very dark things do happen in the world, and I thought that the author handled these topics in a respectable way...they weren't just thrown in for shock or even enjoyment, they were there as part of the overall narrative of this world.
The only thing that I think this book needs is an editor, I know that it's on AO3 but if it ever gets traditionally published I will definitely buy it and read it again. There were a lot of errors in the book and sometimes they pulled me out of the story, but that's it, that's the only fault I can find with this book.
At the end, I think it was the length of this book which really allowed me to sink into the world. The characters were well flushed out, even the side characters. The mental health issues were represented well, and when the story touched on some really dark topics, they were presented as facts and not fantasy which I appreciated. Very dark things do happen in the world, and I thought that the author handled these topics in a respectable way...they weren't just thrown in for shock or even enjoyment, they were there as part of the overall narrative of this world.
The only thing that I think this book needs is an editor, I know that it's on AO3 but if it ever gets traditionally published I will definitely buy it and read it again. There were a lot of errors in the book and sometimes they pulled me out of the story, but that's it, that's the only fault I can find with this book.
June 13, 2025
Ok it’s time I do this review the right way. I found this from r/darkromance and was wary as I’d never read anything on ao3. After seeing it recommended several times, I decided to give it a go.
A couple of typos early on left me wary… but I decided hey, a story can still be incredible even with some errors. Kept going. And let me tell you, that was the best decision.
First, I appreciated the “older” characters in mid 20s and early 30s. I love characters with drive and career motivations. Tell me intricate details about tax law! Tell me about the corporate hierarchy! I LOVE IT. Tell me about the mundane parts of the day. The commute, dropping groceries on the ground. The picture was painted in such a vivid and accessible manner, I couldn’t put it down. I felt it and lived those small moments alongside the characters.
Now, I’m not going to go into much detail about the romance aspect. But know that I ate that shit up. I mean, I was on the edge of my seat and so very frustrated at times while smiling so big at other times.
Orla, you anxious woman, I feel you and relate. Caleb…. Oh Caleb. You tortured man, I fear and adore you. And thank god we’re getting a Chris book next.
You shouldn’t read this if you’re sensitive to dark themes. If you read trigger warnings, go ahead and check those out first.
I’m writing this as I start reading it for the third time and let me tell you, I have an entire list as to why I adore this book and how it captured me. It would totally ruin the story so we’ll leave that for other forums. Just…. Speechless
A couple of typos early on left me wary… but I decided hey, a story can still be incredible even with some errors. Kept going. And let me tell you, that was the best decision.
First, I appreciated the “older” characters in mid 20s and early 30s. I love characters with drive and career motivations. Tell me intricate details about tax law! Tell me about the corporate hierarchy! I LOVE IT. Tell me about the mundane parts of the day. The commute, dropping groceries on the ground. The picture was painted in such a vivid and accessible manner, I couldn’t put it down. I felt it and lived those small moments alongside the characters.
Now, I’m not going to go into much detail about the romance aspect. But know that I ate that shit up. I mean, I was on the edge of my seat and so very frustrated at times while smiling so big at other times.
Orla, you anxious woman, I feel you and relate. Caleb…. Oh Caleb. You tortured man, I fear and adore you. And thank god we’re getting a Chris book next.
You shouldn’t read this if you’re sensitive to dark themes. If you read trigger warnings, go ahead and check those out first.
I’m writing this as I start reading it for the third time and let me tell you, I have an entire list as to why I adore this book and how it captured me. It would totally ruin the story so we’ll leave that for other forums. Just…. Speechless
April 12, 2025
4.5/5
CALEB TRENT YOU ARE THE MAN OF ALL MANS THE KING OF ALL KINGS THE MANIPULATOR OF ALL MANIPULATORS. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU OMFG!!!
orla ellen wright is the worst fmc in the history of fmc's imo omg i never hated a character more in my whole life. but caleb trent???? that's a real man right there. a lover boy thru n thruuuuuu whew. should've picked me and the book woulda been 2 pages MAX! i would've held him down day ONE. dark devious manipulative evil obsessive and maniacal... yeah that's my man!!!! 🙂↕️🙂↕️
CALEB TRENT YOU ARE THE MAN OF ALL MANS THE KING OF ALL KINGS THE MANIPULATOR OF ALL MANIPULATORS. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU OMFG!!!
orla ellen wright is the worst fmc in the history of fmc's imo omg i never hated a character more in my whole life. but caleb trent???? that's a real man right there. a lover boy thru n thruuuuuu whew. should've picked me and the book woulda been 2 pages MAX! i would've held him down day ONE. dark devious manipulative evil obsessive and maniacal... yeah that's my man!!!! 🙂↕️🙂↕️
January 26, 2025
This is not for everyone, it certainly wasn't for me. I don't think I can objectively look at the writing because my mind is so firmly stuck on the themes.
January 19, 2025
so according to gr this was 1200 pgs which matches up with my ebook pages --> print pages calculations. That being said, I couldve read another 1200 pages. For once, this is a long ass fanfic that is OUTLINED and PLANNED and it SHOWS bc the pacing is wonderful. Again, literally it was so so so good. There's a mystery, intrigue, and the most compelling characters ever, way better than any recent published fiction in this genre. A manipulative mmc, traditional relationship, protectiveness and caring, dealing with insecurities and anxieties. The appealing thing about good fanfic is how it literally becomes you. You become the character, the characters become you, it's a transformative and immersive experience which is exactly what this was. The tax law thing helped since thats literally what i wanna do in the future, but i really couldnt have imagined better more fleshed out characters whos values and thoughts interfere perfectly with the plot, pushing them out of their comfort zone, and making them even more real than they already are. i think about this fanfic like once a week. what a complex book, what a complex relationship, what complex characters
October 16, 2025
DNF… couldn’t actually!!
I simply cant read this absolute trash beyond these first few chapters.
First off… this is a psychopath/ serial rapist’s really sick fantasy. Nothing here shows what happens in real world except the rapes and continued misogynistic violence.
Its AWFUL.
I just cant believe people are reading this and NO ONE has raised an alarm.
This is sociopath’s sex slave manifesto, an agenda intermixed with lawyer/ merger company talk, and absolutely idiotic psychiatric mess interwoven.
I am a physician, and I have taken care of such victims… and once even a psychiatrically ill or even mentally challenged female, notwithstanding as intelligent a female as this heroine has been depicted, realizes what has been done to her… its hysteria, catatonia, severe depression or even nervous breakdown in layman parlance.
The mental trauma and emotional fallout from such female-violence thats not even a single rape but days of it, in real world is HORRID, and often victims remain suicidal for days and at times even years later.
I am yet to come across any female
in normal or my professional life who realizes that she has been drugged, raped multiple time and come right back to work the next day, and work which is intense and depending… and can function!!
EVEN if your conscious mind denies, the subconscious will not let you function.
UTTER rubbish and downright IDIOTIC!!
And pathetic writing to boot.
I am going to disconnect with this person who recommended it
I simply cant read this absolute trash beyond these first few chapters.
First off… this is a psychopath/ serial rapist’s really sick fantasy. Nothing here shows what happens in real world except the rapes and continued misogynistic violence.
Its AWFUL.
I just cant believe people are reading this and NO ONE has raised an alarm.
This is sociopath’s sex slave manifesto, an agenda intermixed with lawyer/ merger company talk, and absolutely idiotic psychiatric mess interwoven.
I am a physician, and I have taken care of such victims… and once even a psychiatrically ill or even mentally challenged female, notwithstanding as intelligent a female as this heroine has been depicted, realizes what has been done to her… its hysteria, catatonia, severe depression or even nervous breakdown in layman parlance.
The mental trauma and emotional fallout from such female-violence thats not even a single rape but days of it, in real world is HORRID, and often victims remain suicidal for days and at times even years later.
I am yet to come across any female
in normal or my professional life who realizes that she has been drugged, raped multiple time and come right back to work the next day, and work which is intense and depending… and can function!!
EVEN if your conscious mind denies, the subconscious will not let you function.
UTTER rubbish and downright IDIOTIC!!
And pathetic writing to boot.
I am going to disconnect with this person who recommended it
May 29, 2025
Dude, I have never seen this level of gaslighting in a book.
December 16, 2025
My first ever AO3 book. It’s insanely so good, I’m mind blown. I liked it so much I’m lowkey embarrassed because its so dark and fucked up.
I liked it more than I should admit in public lol.
This books owns me the way Caleb owns Orla 🤭
I liked it more than I should admit in public lol.
This books owns me the way Caleb owns Orla 🤭
December 9, 2025
I really liked how realistic this was from start to finish, including the conversations, train rides, morning coffees, breakroom lunches, etc. Those ordinary, day-to-day inclusions really helped build the story. I also appreciated that despite the main characters coming from well-off families, it wasn't a foundation of the plot--no secret society, cabal, etc setting the stage for the dark aspects, just normal, privileged people.
If this was a published story I'd have some gripes about the editing, but since it's Ao3 we'll let it slide.
Thoughts that include spoilers or triggers: But then again, I love murderous MMCs and that's also not acceptable in real life, so I probably need to think about where my lines in the sand are.
Anyway, solid story. It includes some things that made me uncomfortable, but that's dark romance.
If this was a published story I'd have some gripes about the editing, but since it's Ao3 we'll let it slide.
Thoughts that include spoilers or triggers: But then again, I love murderous MMCs and that's also not acceptable in real life, so I probably need to think about where my lines in the sand are.
Anyway, solid story. It includes some things that made me uncomfortable, but that's dark romance.
October 21, 2025
If you're into doormat h, him abusing her physical and psychological, beating her, stockholm syndrome, him pushing her into becoming a drug addict, torturing her, no groveling whatsoever, 80% of the book is describing sex scenes, no plot, waaay too many pages ,all wrapped into "Because is true love" bullshit ...THIS IS THE BOOK FOR YOU🤣🤣. After reading Corrupt Idol(masterpiece❤️❤️) I wanted so badly something similar and I got into this...and this was bad, like real bad..like describing you a bussing meeting over 5 pages kinda boring ( that really happened in the book )🤣🤣
on-pause
February 23, 2025Paused @ 44% because it kinda got too much…
April 24, 2025
DNF’d at 64%
Although I loved reading the beginning of this book, I cannot for the life of me continue it as it became repetitive and boring after a while.
Although I loved reading the beginning of this book, I cannot for the life of me continue it as it became repetitive and boring after a while.
May 10, 2025
Caleb Trent alters brain chemistry.
October 1, 2025
i have the perfect kind of mental illness cocktail that makes me think IICHY is the most deeply romantic thing ever. not even exaggerating when i say this is deeply, deeply, so deeply romantic to me and i'm swept away by this every time i do a re-read. it's quite literally perfect; no notes.
April 29, 2025
This had me on a chokehold and is probably gonna be my personality for the foreseeable future 🫢
The plot was incredible and my god the spice was even better. It’s drenched in spicy goodness that I had to go for a walk today to actually touch grass.
The plot was incredible and my god the spice was even better. It’s drenched in spicy goodness that I had to go for a walk today to actually touch grass.
January 15, 2025
This is one of my favourite reads Ever.
I loved everything about this book, it even made me go ‘WHAT THE F….’ In the best way.
I really want mr & mrs Faust’s book now.
I loved everything about this book, it even made me go ‘WHAT THE F….’ In the best way.
I really want mr & mrs Faust’s book now.
May 5, 2025
Disturbing grape fantasy that just felt like i was reading a fetishised crime. The male lead felt especially childish with no redeeming character traits. Wtf did i just read.
July 14, 2025
Ok so this was crazzzzy! I struggled with this at the start because of the mad mind games Caleb was playing as I felt he just really didn’t care about Orlas mental health and I nearly dnfed, but I’m glad I didn’t because he definitely redeemed himself in the end. I just loved how they were both kind of insane, especially for each other.
Although I found this story to be lighter than BAPF in terms of physical interactions, (which I usually prefer), I still find myself liking that more.
Overall, this was very solid. One thing I love about Deathsdoll’s work is the attention to detail and characterisation, I feel like a lot of authors, especially in any type of romance, really miss the mark on those points.
Although I found this story to be lighter than BAPF in terms of physical interactions, (which I usually prefer), I still find myself liking that more.
Overall, this was very solid. One thing I love about Deathsdoll’s work is the attention to detail and characterisation, I feel like a lot of authors, especially in any type of romance, really miss the mark on those points.
August 3, 2025
gaslit myself into enjoying this
October 21, 2025
"It gets better after 70%, keep reading." All they do is lie on Reddit.
November 27, 2025
As a rule I only give one star reviews for books that promote prejudice. This book is woman hating.
When the FMC talks about being raped, and the MMC taking about how he can’t wait to rape the FMC again you know the story is about rape.
I’m on chapter 20 of 44 and have realized that I’m reading about repeated rapes because I have been promised a HEA. There is no realistic way this ends in a health way.
I suspect that Caleb and his college buddies are bonded by their mutual passion for raping women. They have shared accounts, pass around videos, cover for each other, and the like. One of them prefers freshman college age women. You know - people who could still be under the age of consent.
Ellie has some serious mental health issues. The meds she’s on point to that. I’ve skimmed a bit ahead and she also has eating disorders.
This paragraph shows how terrible the disconnect is for the MMC’s thoughts towards the FMC - “I ran my hands down her naked arms and felt her body tremble beneath my touch. The thought of her crying in that bathroom stall had hurt me more than I anticipated. The thought of her, huddled in a bathroom stall in high school, college, law school, and now work, had created a chasm in my chest. I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around her, burying my nose into the crook of her neck. I kissed her gently. The admission of vulnerability had only increased my affection for her. She didn’t need to pretend to be so strong all the time. She needed to let the facade down. I wanted to squeeze her. Squeeze my arms around her until I heard her bones crack.”
So, he’s “hurt” at the thought of her crying in the bathroom. Which she is doing because he raped her at work. He also wants to break her bones. The hell?
I would have had a better idea of what I was getting into if the story was tagged with “dead dove” but apparently that tag is dead in the water because of assholes.
When the FMC talks about being raped, and the MMC taking about how he can’t wait to rape the FMC again you know the story is about rape.
I’m on chapter 20 of 44 and have realized that I’m reading about repeated rapes because I have been promised a HEA. There is no realistic way this ends in a health way.
I suspect that Caleb and his college buddies are bonded by their mutual passion for raping women. They have shared accounts, pass around videos, cover for each other, and the like. One of them prefers freshman college age women. You know - people who could still be under the age of consent.
Ellie has some serious mental health issues. The meds she’s on point to that. I’ve skimmed a bit ahead and she also has eating disorders.
This paragraph shows how terrible the disconnect is for the MMC’s thoughts towards the FMC - “I ran my hands down her naked arms and felt her body tremble beneath my touch. The thought of her crying in that bathroom stall had hurt me more than I anticipated. The thought of her, huddled in a bathroom stall in high school, college, law school, and now work, had created a chasm in my chest. I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around her, burying my nose into the crook of her neck. I kissed her gently. The admission of vulnerability had only increased my affection for her. She didn’t need to pretend to be so strong all the time. She needed to let the facade down. I wanted to squeeze her. Squeeze my arms around her until I heard her bones crack.”
So, he’s “hurt” at the thought of her crying in the bathroom. Which she is doing because he raped her at work. He also wants to break her bones. The hell?
I would have had a better idea of what I was getting into if the story was tagged with “dead dove” but apparently that tag is dead in the water because of assholes.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 17, 2025
I needed to dip my toes back into DR to take a break from other genres. Wow was I ever disappointed.
It started off strong (ish). Somehow the day-to-day work life wasn’t boring, it felt realistic. Everything else though? The author clearly didn’t do any research.
Take the blatant abuse and rape out of it for a second, why did all of the main characters suddenly lose… character… as the story progressed?
Hard working individuals working long hours, to suddenly holding another captive and being completely checked out from work.
Addiction that suddenly resolves itself while nothing about the environment or situation changing to promote sobriety in any capacity.
A quick “oh I’m sorry I hurt you but thanks for marrying me” really sealed the deal for me at the end.
A MMC can stay the villain, that’s fine. But I was thoroughly rooting for more plot, a less predictable (and infuriating) ending, realistic mental health struggles that aligned with the realistic work life we read in the beginning. Each chapter promoted further disinterest from me, the reader.
There was also NO CONVERSATIONS.
The yearning was so evident in the beginning. Then GONE. GONE. Another criminal offence, really. If you’re going to make me hate an MMC, at least make him less insufferable with some yearning and not just some psychotic physical obsession. They both became mindless bunnies.
I’m sad it took a nose dive. The cat-mouse thing could’ve been done well, had the author cared less about the smut/reliving the same fantasy for 44 chapters and more about telling a story.
It started off strong (ish). Somehow the day-to-day work life wasn’t boring, it felt realistic. Everything else though? The author clearly didn’t do any research.
Take the blatant abuse and rape out of it for a second, why did all of the main characters suddenly lose… character… as the story progressed?
Hard working individuals working long hours, to suddenly holding another captive and being completely checked out from work.
Addiction that suddenly resolves itself while nothing about the environment or situation changing to promote sobriety in any capacity.
A quick “oh I’m sorry I hurt you but thanks for marrying me” really sealed the deal for me at the end.
A MMC can stay the villain, that’s fine. But I was thoroughly rooting for more plot, a less predictable (and infuriating) ending, realistic mental health struggles that aligned with the realistic work life we read in the beginning. Each chapter promoted further disinterest from me, the reader.
There was also NO CONVERSATIONS.
The yearning was so evident in the beginning. Then GONE. GONE. Another criminal offence, really. If you’re going to make me hate an MMC, at least make him less insufferable with some yearning and not just some psychotic physical obsession. They both became mindless bunnies.
I’m sad it took a nose dive. The cat-mouse thing could’ve been done well, had the author cared less about the smut/reliving the same fantasy for 44 chapters and more about telling a story.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 9, 2025
I loved the romance towards the end and the ending itself, however, I think because the environment of the story felt SO realistic unlike other dark romances it became too much. With other plots I feel like there’s some external thing like a secret society (e.g., haunting Adeline, catching pretty), horror/paranormal component (e.g., til def, pen pal duet), or just something that doesn’t match my own reality so I can compartmentalize better. Because it’s such a “normal” corporate work place I think it was harder for me to get into it or at least not feel some sense of shame for reading it - does that make sense? I kept envisioning this happening to me at my own job and felt so horrified for Ellie. Not that I don’t for other dark romance FMCs but yeah. I did really enjoy reading about the work they did though which was surprising. I also really enjoyed the raw depiction of mental health. It felt relatable and real. Tbh, Chris was my least favorite. Or maybe Mr. Furst. I grew to love Caleb, but God he is so fucking psychotic. Don’t regret reading but it definitely had me glossing over uncomfortable portions.
June 9, 2025
i couldn’t finish it, i stopped at chapter 24. i thought i was going to like it but i don’t really see the chemistry between fmc and mmc. i know i haven’t read it all and maybe i think this bc i’m still at the beginning of the relationship but i couldn’t keep on reading it..
April 11, 2025
I like this book! However, it was extremely long. Definitely could have been shorter.
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