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Staying Married is the Hardest Part
For fans of Lori Gottlieb’s Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, a contemporary memoir by a psychologist whose sexual conflict with her screenwriter husband threatens to destroy her marriage.
Can a loving relationship endure career setbacks, infidelities, and mismatched sexual desires? This is the question psychologist Bonnie Comfort grapples with as she navigates her unpredictable thirty-year marriage to Hollywood screenwriter Bob, while provides marital therapy to others.
Bob is affectionate, brilliant, and hilarious—but his sexual desires are incompatible with Bonnie’s. Despite her misgivings, she indulges his kinks, which often included photographing her in lingerie. For a while, their life in Los Angeles is exciting. Eventually, however, Bob’s growing career frustrations lead to his complete sexual shutdown. Tensions rise, and Bob suggests Bonnie have discreet affairs and not tell him. She does just that—but when she confesses her infidelities five years later, his sexual demands become more extreme. When she complies, Bonnie feels shame; when she refuses, as she increasingly does, their fights threaten to tear their marriage apart.
With raw honesty and vulnerability, Bonnie recounts the passionate highs and lows of her marriage, culminating in Bob’s death. As she grieves, she reflects on her own role in their struggles and offers profound insights from her personal and professional experiences. Her story lays bare the complexities of love, the ongoing challenges women face in intimate relationships, and how even the most difficult marriages can find a way to thrive.
Can a loving relationship endure career setbacks, infidelities, and mismatched sexual desires? This is the question psychologist Bonnie Comfort grapples with as she navigates her unpredictable thirty-year marriage to Hollywood screenwriter Bob, while provides marital therapy to others.
Bob is affectionate, brilliant, and hilarious—but his sexual desires are incompatible with Bonnie’s. Despite her misgivings, she indulges his kinks, which often included photographing her in lingerie. For a while, their life in Los Angeles is exciting. Eventually, however, Bob’s growing career frustrations lead to his complete sexual shutdown. Tensions rise, and Bob suggests Bonnie have discreet affairs and not tell him. She does just that—but when she confesses her infidelities five years later, his sexual demands become more extreme. When she complies, Bonnie feels shame; when she refuses, as she increasingly does, their fights threaten to tear their marriage apart.
With raw honesty and vulnerability, Bonnie recounts the passionate highs and lows of her marriage, culminating in Bob’s death. As she grieves, she reflects on her own role in their struggles and offers profound insights from her personal and professional experiences. Her story lays bare the complexities of love, the ongoing challenges women face in intimate relationships, and how even the most difficult marriages can find a way to thrive.
- GenresMemoirNonfictionMarriage
312 pages, Paperback
Published June 17, 2025
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
June 19, 2025
I savored every word written. I truly devoured this book. This is a true, raw, honest, and most important relatable memoir!
The descriptive writing during the hard times with Bob are so vivid and valid. I remember going through similar moments with my mother towards the end of the book and that feeling being sooo sooo raw.
If you pick up any book this year let it be this!!!
Can I just say…70s and still got it…. Wow!!!❤️❤️ good for her!!!
The descriptive writing during the hard times with Bob are so vivid and valid. I remember going through similar moments with my mother towards the end of the book and that feeling being sooo sooo raw.
If you pick up any book this year let it be this!!!
Can I just say…70s and still got it…. Wow!!!❤️❤️ good for her!!!
October 8, 2025
Stellar. It holds many of the truths the author discovered from her own marriage and years of psychoanalysis (IMO a highly overrated form of therapy) her own therapy practice, and a very late discovery, all due to the societal pressures/beliefs in which she was raised: the facts of sexual anatomy do not in ANY way support her lifelong belief she was somehow sexually defective. Such a sad late revelation that made me want to cry for her and those lost years. While that was certainly not the only challenge she faced in her long marriage, it def contributed to their particular power struggles, which exist in ALL long term relationships. Highly recommend, especially to any who struggle in their own relationship. Fulls disclosure: I am a couples therapist.
May 25, 2025
My thanks to LibraryThing Early Reviewers and BooksForward for my e-ARC.
The title was what piqued my curiosity in this book. The author, a psychologist and expert on marital therapy, is married to Bob Comfort, a Hollywood screenwriter. Her candid and graphic memoir primarily focused on her marriage. But she also goes into her and Bob’s personal/professional background. That, I appreciate because backstories always interest me.
As is often the case, everything was great …at first. But then life happens. The rose-colored glasses come off. There are mismatched expectations. Unforeseen demands. Personality changes. The depiction of this downturn was both realistic and relatable. No marriage is immune to it.
Bonnie’s conflict and indecision over staying in the marriage versus leaving was understandable(hence, the apt title). Despite of his unusual sexual fetishes and tone-deafness when it came to her emotional needs, he was a character : fascinating, charismatic, quirky, witty, funny…
At times, emotional and heart-wrenching , I liked this. I liked that the chapters were short, with titles hinting at the content within. There were some passages which I found to be especially insightful and noteworthy. Some comparisons were clever and vivid. But, since this is an ARC, I can not quote them in my review because the final copy may not include them.
The title was what piqued my curiosity in this book. The author, a psychologist and expert on marital therapy, is married to Bob Comfort, a Hollywood screenwriter. Her candid and graphic memoir primarily focused on her marriage. But she also goes into her and Bob’s personal/professional background. That, I appreciate because backstories always interest me.
As is often the case, everything was great …at first. But then life happens. The rose-colored glasses come off. There are mismatched expectations. Unforeseen demands. Personality changes. The depiction of this downturn was both realistic and relatable. No marriage is immune to it.
Bonnie’s conflict and indecision over staying in the marriage versus leaving was understandable(hence, the apt title). Despite of his unusual sexual fetishes and tone-deafness when it came to her emotional needs, he was a character : fascinating, charismatic, quirky, witty, funny…
At times, emotional and heart-wrenching , I liked this. I liked that the chapters were short, with titles hinting at the content within. There were some passages which I found to be especially insightful and noteworthy. Some comparisons were clever and vivid. But, since this is an ARC, I can not quote them in my review because the final copy may not include them.
May 15, 2025
An open and honest memoir that unravels the complexity of marriage, explores sexuality, and spares no details when it comes to the ugly parts of relationships and the compromise needed for marriages to thrive.
This memoir really had me thinking about so many different things. This book may be Bonnie's personal life story with her husband, Bob, but it is definitely part self-help book, too. Bonnie is a psychologist with over thirty years of experience, and this is quite evident in the way she writes and the way that she explores relationships. Bonnie truly gets people.
I don't think I've ever read a memoir in which the author was so open about their sex life. Bonnie felt sexually broken for most of her adult life, which is a feeling that most women can honestly relate to in some way. The sexual relationship she had with her husband Bob is quite abnormal and is a bit abusive at times. I couldn't imagine being with someone who treated her like that for so many years, but reading this memoir in full, I understand why Bonnie stayed with him through all the ups and downs. The questions this book raises about consent and what is allowed in a long-term relationship was also quite fascinating to consider.
The way that Bonnie eventually learns to accept herself sexually is inspiring. All the facts that she shares with the reader about women orgasming during intercourse were quite enlightening, and I wish that resources such as this would be more widely available to young women who are trying to discover their sexual desires and preferences so that they all get the chance to avoid feeling broken for things that are perfectly normal. I've definitely been there, so it was really reassuring to read some of these facts (even thought this isn't the first time I've read some of this information).
Marriage is really about finding someone that accepts you for who you are who is also willing to compromise when it comes to things that you can't agree on. If a married couple can't agree to disagree, this is how relationships often come to an end. It is so inspirational to see how Bonnie stays for the long haul with Bob, even when he was completely depressed, sexually abusing her, and treating her with disrespect. This gives me hope that no matter the pitfalls I'll experience, I will be able to maintain a long-term relationship. To be completely honest though, I would have left Bob if he forced me to do some of the things he pressured Bonnie into doing. Some of these instances were so hard to read about; I can't fathom the man I love doing that to me.
The end portion of this book turns the emotions up to one hundred percent. Not only was watching Bob deteriorate such a sad experience, but reading about Bonnie healing in the aftermath of Bob being gone was so beautiful. Bonnie went through so much in their time together, and there is so much that she realizes about her and Bob's relationship after he is no longer with her. This is such a strong reminder that it can be so hard to see other's pain, and that open communication is truly the only way to know another's thoughts. Poor communication seems to be the ultimate kicker when it comes to many relationships, and the end section of this book did a great job reminding me of that.
Overall, "Staying Married is the Hardest Part" is an emotional read that is completely open and honest about the immense challenge it is to keep a marital relationship thriving. Bonnie dives deep into her sex life, the outdated mentalities she was raised on, and the strategies she used to compromise with her husband that she often disagreed with. This book is mainly a memoir, but it also acts as a psychology self-help book that allows the reader to take a deeper look at their relationships (both platonic and romantic). I was quite moved by this memoir and am honored that Bonnie was willing to share her story with me and the rest of the world.
This memoir really had me thinking about so many different things. This book may be Bonnie's personal life story with her husband, Bob, but it is definitely part self-help book, too. Bonnie is a psychologist with over thirty years of experience, and this is quite evident in the way she writes and the way that she explores relationships. Bonnie truly gets people.
I don't think I've ever read a memoir in which the author was so open about their sex life. Bonnie felt sexually broken for most of her adult life, which is a feeling that most women can honestly relate to in some way. The sexual relationship she had with her husband Bob is quite abnormal and is a bit abusive at times. I couldn't imagine being with someone who treated her like that for so many years, but reading this memoir in full, I understand why Bonnie stayed with him through all the ups and downs. The questions this book raises about consent and what is allowed in a long-term relationship was also quite fascinating to consider.
The way that Bonnie eventually learns to accept herself sexually is inspiring. All the facts that she shares with the reader about women orgasming during intercourse were quite enlightening, and I wish that resources such as this would be more widely available to young women who are trying to discover their sexual desires and preferences so that they all get the chance to avoid feeling broken for things that are perfectly normal. I've definitely been there, so it was really reassuring to read some of these facts (even thought this isn't the first time I've read some of this information).
Marriage is really about finding someone that accepts you for who you are who is also willing to compromise when it comes to things that you can't agree on. If a married couple can't agree to disagree, this is how relationships often come to an end. It is so inspirational to see how Bonnie stays for the long haul with Bob, even when he was completely depressed, sexually abusing her, and treating her with disrespect. This gives me hope that no matter the pitfalls I'll experience, I will be able to maintain a long-term relationship. To be completely honest though, I would have left Bob if he forced me to do some of the things he pressured Bonnie into doing. Some of these instances were so hard to read about; I can't fathom the man I love doing that to me.
The end portion of this book turns the emotions up to one hundred percent. Not only was watching Bob deteriorate such a sad experience, but reading about Bonnie healing in the aftermath of Bob being gone was so beautiful. Bonnie went through so much in their time together, and there is so much that she realizes about her and Bob's relationship after he is no longer with her. This is such a strong reminder that it can be so hard to see other's pain, and that open communication is truly the only way to know another's thoughts. Poor communication seems to be the ultimate kicker when it comes to many relationships, and the end section of this book did a great job reminding me of that.
Overall, "Staying Married is the Hardest Part" is an emotional read that is completely open and honest about the immense challenge it is to keep a marital relationship thriving. Bonnie dives deep into her sex life, the outdated mentalities she was raised on, and the strategies she used to compromise with her husband that she often disagreed with. This book is mainly a memoir, but it also acts as a psychology self-help book that allows the reader to take a deeper look at their relationships (both platonic and romantic). I was quite moved by this memoir and am honored that Bonnie was willing to share her story with me and the rest of the world.
June 21, 2025
What a remarkable book. Through the deepest of honesty and a level of self-reflection worthy of only the best psychological minds, Bonnie Comfort shares her moving and inspiring story with her readers because she knows how universal the challenges of marriage are and how the telling of one person’s plight can make a difference for so many.
Through beautiful, clear writing, Comfort plumbs her own backstory to understand how and why she found herself in a marriage that was at once the greatest of love stories and the most complicated of connections. With raw honesty, she conveys her own struggles with self-preservation while holding onto hope. She is brilliant in the way she delves into her own psyche on the page for the purpose of a deeper level of understanding for both herself and her readers.
Whether or not one should sacrifice self for the sake of love is the universal question. Bonnie Comfort shares her answer for all of our sakes. Staying Married Is the Hardest Part is a gift of a book.
Through beautiful, clear writing, Comfort plumbs her own backstory to understand how and why she found herself in a marriage that was at once the greatest of love stories and the most complicated of connections. With raw honesty, she conveys her own struggles with self-preservation while holding onto hope. She is brilliant in the way she delves into her own psyche on the page for the purpose of a deeper level of understanding for both herself and her readers.
Whether or not one should sacrifice self for the sake of love is the universal question. Bonnie Comfort shares her answer for all of our sakes. Staying Married Is the Hardest Part is a gift of a book.
May 9, 2025
Being a busy husband, father, and small business owner, I rarely find the time and energy to read books. However, this book was SO engaging, and SO entertaining. It is relatable in many different ways. Bonnie's fierce bravery in pulling back the layers for us to witness her deepest passions, insecurities, secrets, and desires makes this book very hard to put down. I found myself looking forward to the next chance I had to spend some time getting involved in Bonnie's amazing love story. I felt so many different emotions during the reading of this book. I was laughing, I was angry, I was turned on, I was sad, I was empathetic. It's impossible to not reflect on your own life and marriage, and it's definitely made a difference in me. I was literally choking back tears in the middle of Starbucks today. Thank you Bonnie for an incredibly memorable experience. I'll never forget it.
February 7, 2025
From the first page, I was hooked. This memoir feels like stepping inside someone’s marriage—seeing the raw and unfiltered moments that most people keep private. It’s honest, messy, and full of unexpected turns, making it impossible to put down.
The title couldn’t be more fitting. Just when I thought I had a handle on where the story was going, something surprising would happen, keeping me completely engaged. The writing is fast-paced, making it a quick but powerful read.
It’s unconventional, emotional, and lingers with you long after you’ve finished. Like the saying goes, you never really know what goes on behind closed doors—and this book is a powerful reminder that there are so many different ways to engage in a partnership. Highly recommend!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
April 22, 2025
Psychologist Bonnie Comfort has successfully embarked on a complicated task to examine with extraordinary detail and care the wild ride of a beautiful, loving marriage. The journey involves two very intelligent, creative adults with potent yearnings who are similar and different in varied ways. This book takes a laser type look at two talented and complex individuals who truly adore each other but like all marriages have major areas
where the needs and desires of each other dramatically differ in certain specific areas. The book is riveting, compelling and offers real hope to couples who wish to exit quickly when stress appears as opposed to digging deeper and aiming much higher. Wonderful writing and just a great, great read !!!!
where the needs and desires of each other dramatically differ in certain specific areas. The book is riveting, compelling and offers real hope to couples who wish to exit quickly when stress appears as opposed to digging deeper and aiming much higher. Wonderful writing and just a great, great read !!!!
June 20, 2025
Staying Married is the Hardest Part is written by Bonnie Comfort. The mentioned title is a memoir written by the author and her marriage, sexuality, and more in this book. The author is married to a Hollywood screenwriter and she does talk about her husband a bit in the book, and also their marriage. We get to hear about how marriage is not easy like most people would think. Marriage is a hard thing. I, myself, have been married for over 17 years now and it is a challenge sometimes and you need to work at the relationship to make it last and work. The author wrote a compelling and emotional memoir read and I really liked this one as marriage is a long lasting and relationship you need to work on daily in order for it to work.
March 21, 2025
I found myself immediately drawn in to Staying Married. From the jump, it is clear this is a memoir written by a psychologist who understands people. I think it would be fascinating to have women from different age groups read it and discuss it from their respective perspectives. I would be curious to see how much their perspectives on issues such as consent and what constitutes abuse reflect generational changes. Even reading for just myself, I was able to track my own evolution of awareness about consent and what I consider acceptable or healthy within romantic relationships. An engaging read!
June 23, 2025
The title of this book immediately grabbed my attention. If you are married, you know it's not always perfect, it can be very trying at times. I'm also a nosy b. This memior is so raw and honest. To share such intimate and personal details of your life is a very brave thing to do. I think the compromise and sacrifices made in this marriage were not something everyone could do. The resiliency of this couple is admirable, but sometimes hard to relate to. I was very intrigued by Bonnie’s prospective and I’d recommend this read to anyone who is married. Thank you for sending me a #gifted copy @booksforwardpr !
May 24, 2025
While this book is a memoir detailing the vulnerable and complex parts of her marriage, Bonnie also includes insight from her career as a psychologist throughout the book. This book was a very open narrative that tackled issues of sexuality, compromise, and so much more. I thought the book was emotional and well written. I think since I haven’t been married yet, or currently have a long-term partner, I just couldn’t connect to many of the experiences in the book. I think this book would be a great recommendation to anyone struggling n a relationship.
June 5, 2025
This memoir grabs you with its honesty and holds nothing back. Bonnie Comfort opens her life and her marriage in a way that feels both courageous and deeply personal. The way she explores love, sacrifice, and emotional survival is powerful. She does not sugarcoat the challenges or pretend to have all the answers. Instead, she offers a real and unfiltered look at what it means to fight for a relationship while still trying to hold on to yourself. Her voice is clear. Her reflection is raw. Her story stays with you long after you close the book.
October 12, 2025
A thought-provoking consideration of intimate relationships, this book made me ask, what is the beating heart of a satisfying relationship? Devotion, communication, acceptance, sex, intimacy, shared interests? In the end, it seemed to me compromise was a huge part of the equation, but I was still left with questions. How much? When compromise makes us uncomfortable, is it worthwhile? This memoir excavates the complexities of relationships but just as there are no one–size-fits-all relationships, there are no universal answers. This book forms a solid basis to ask some big questions.
March 19, 2026
A Love Letter to Loving Well
I absolutely loved Bonnie Comfort's memoir. It reads like a love letter, beautifully capturing the tenderness of her love for her late husband, even amid all the challenges. She writes in a way that pulls me in — and sends me back to my own marriage with fresh eyes. She makes me celebrate what I have: the bits that resonate so gorgeously with my own experience, the moments that call for empathy and understanding, and the places where two paths diverge, and you find your way to each other anyway.
I absolutely loved Bonnie Comfort's memoir. It reads like a love letter, beautifully capturing the tenderness of her love for her late husband, even amid all the challenges. She writes in a way that pulls me in — and sends me back to my own marriage with fresh eyes. She makes me celebrate what I have: the bits that resonate so gorgeously with my own experience, the moments that call for empathy and understanding, and the places where two paths diverge, and you find your way to each other anyway.
May 26, 2025
What a stunning and deeply honest love story. This beautifully written memoir is both a personal narrative and a therapist’s wise analysis of her relationship marked by passion, complexity, and painful incompatibilities. I was completely drawn in by the raw exploration of marital and sexual dynamics, the dance between self and other, and the hard-earned lessons about boundaries and identity. This book is a gift for anyone who has ever loved deeply and struggled to stay whole.
July 28, 2025
You know how people say, “You never know what goes on behind closed doors?” In "Staying Married Is The Hardest Part," readers get to go behind closed doors.
This is an open, brave, and relatable memoir. It’s an honest depiction of a long-term marriage, with all the joys and challenges.
As I read it, I kept thinking that if more couples had read this, they might still be married rather than divorced.
The book reads like a novel with excellent writing. I recommend it highly.
This is an open, brave, and relatable memoir. It’s an honest depiction of a long-term marriage, with all the joys and challenges.
As I read it, I kept thinking that if more couples had read this, they might still be married rather than divorced.
The book reads like a novel with excellent writing. I recommend it highly.
May 4, 2025
An honest portrayal of a marriage slowly deteriorating. It is told from the perspective of a mental health professional, someone with the training to recognize the red flags in other people's relationships. The author struggles to be objective about her marital problems. Sad, sweet, brutally frank
November 9, 2025
If you’re married or in a long term partnership, this book will resonate with you.
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May 24, 2026Kindle
This one had so much potential to be a great story, but it came off too often as clinical and dry.
This one had so much potential to be a great story, but it came off too often as clinical and dry.
June 25, 2026
What an honest story that can help so many women.
December 23, 2024
Psychologist Bonnie Comfort invites us into the intimacy of marriage. Not just any marriage but her own. She recounts the story of her loving relationship with her screenwriter husband of over 30 years, one fraught with contradictions. One that drives her to uncomfortable compromises. One in which she sacrifices more than she'd like. One in which she is unable to use her voice to proclaim an emphatic "no!" All in the name of love.
Comfort exposes the complexities of marriage and leaves us asking how much is too much? Her account confirms that one never knows what goes on behind closed doors. An intense account of love, infidelity, and sexual demands made that test both Bonnie and her husband. A wonderfully written book reflecting a wonderfully lived life with all its complexities. Honest, pure, raw, and riveting. So well done!
Comfort exposes the complexities of marriage and leaves us asking how much is too much? Her account confirms that one never knows what goes on behind closed doors. An intense account of love, infidelity, and sexual demands made that test both Bonnie and her husband. A wonderfully written book reflecting a wonderfully lived life with all its complexities. Honest, pure, raw, and riveting. So well done!
June 19, 2025
I don’t generally gravitate toward memoirs but the title caught me. My husband and I just passed our 20th anniversary and marriage is no joke, so I was intrigued to read more.
The author’s writing is easy to read and the book feels very conversational, which makes sense given her background. I appreciated not feeling like I was being talked TO but rather in a talk WITH.
What happens when you deeply love your partner but they, and the relationship fail you at every turn? I give credit to the author for her unfiltered honesty. The flip side of that, though, is that it sometimes was uncomfortable reading intimate parts of someone’s real life. Comfort spares no expense at sharing the difficulties in her marriage, and specifically with their sex life. Because her writing has such a good flow, it reads like fiction. So, at times, remembering that you’re reading about two real people felt invasive and uneasy.
That being said, I was engaged from the start and grew to genuinely care about Comfort and her husband, Bob. I was disappointed when she conformed to what others wanted her to be, and felt proud when she stood her ground and took charge of her own life.
This book is an open memoir, often complex and filled with emotion. I think readers can gain insight into both romantic and platonic connections, no matter your relationship status. But certainly for those in long-term commitments, it’s nearly impossible not to reflect on your own situation.
I received a free, advance review copy from Books Forward, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. All opinions are my own.
The author’s writing is easy to read and the book feels very conversational, which makes sense given her background. I appreciated not feeling like I was being talked TO but rather in a talk WITH.
What happens when you deeply love your partner but they, and the relationship fail you at every turn? I give credit to the author for her unfiltered honesty. The flip side of that, though, is that it sometimes was uncomfortable reading intimate parts of someone’s real life. Comfort spares no expense at sharing the difficulties in her marriage, and specifically with their sex life. Because her writing has such a good flow, it reads like fiction. So, at times, remembering that you’re reading about two real people felt invasive and uneasy.
That being said, I was engaged from the start and grew to genuinely care about Comfort and her husband, Bob. I was disappointed when she conformed to what others wanted her to be, and felt proud when she stood her ground and took charge of her own life.
This book is an open memoir, often complex and filled with emotion. I think readers can gain insight into both romantic and platonic connections, no matter your relationship status. But certainly for those in long-term commitments, it’s nearly impossible not to reflect on your own situation.
I received a free, advance review copy from Books Forward, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. All opinions are my own.
February 9, 2026
This moving memoir by psychologist Bonnie Comfort examines love and loss and the challenges of personal relationships with courage, honesty, and professional insight.
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