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Split or Swallow #1
Kiss of the Basilisk
THIS BOOK IS NOT SAFE TO READ AT WORK. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
Twenty year old Temperance Verus has never been kissed. But that's what the basilisk is for.
Along with thirteen other contestants, Tem must train with a basilisk to learn the power of seduction and win the prince's hand in marriage. When Tem is matched with Caspen, the Serpent King, she realizes she might actually stand a chance. But with tensions rising between the basilisks and the humans, Tem is suddenly torn in two directions. As her bond with Caspen deepens, so does her connection with the prince. And when she uncovers a terrible secret about the royal family, Tem finds herself caught between two neither of which she can survive without.
Guaranteed to make you blush (and then some), Split or Swallow is like if fanfic Draco Malfoy went on the Bachelor and had to compete with a snake. Sounds fun, doesn't it? That's because it is!!
Twenty year old Temperance Verus has never been kissed. But that's what the basilisk is for.
Along with thirteen other contestants, Tem must train with a basilisk to learn the power of seduction and win the prince's hand in marriage. When Tem is matched with Caspen, the Serpent King, she realizes she might actually stand a chance. But with tensions rising between the basilisks and the humans, Tem is suddenly torn in two directions. As her bond with Caspen deepens, so does her connection with the prince. And when she uncovers a terrible secret about the royal family, Tem finds herself caught between two neither of which she can survive without.
Guaranteed to make you blush (and then some), Split or Swallow is like if fanfic Draco Malfoy went on the Bachelor and had to compete with a snake. Sounds fun, doesn't it? That's because it is!!
528 pages, Paperback
First published August 16, 2024
24554 people are currently reading
88661 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 11,297 reviews
September 16, 2024
1/5 stars. And that's generous.
If you've ever wondered what would happen if The Selection tried to morph into alien love angle erotica, wonder no more! Split or Swallow answers the question that no one asked, no one should ask, and no one will ever ask. With the grace of a freight train.
I read this book as a dare, under the premise that it would break my unblemished record of having 0 dnf's.
This book is a fever dream of bad smut, worse writing and plot twists that somehow managed to feel both absurd and boring at the same time. Our protagonist, Tem, oscillates between wanting to be - not even being - a "strong feminist" and someone who literally totes around a remote-controlled sperm-made vibrator egg because a 1000 year old dish rag told her to after seeing her once (I wish I were kidding) with all the conviction of wet toast.
Straub appears to think the key to world-building is shoving sex into every nook and cranny of her fictional universe, even if it makes absolutely no sense. The dialogue reads like rejected lines from a low-budget soap opera, and the pacing makes you wonder if the characters are caught in some bizarre time loop where they change personalities on a whim.
Highlights? Sure, if you want to call watching Tem blow a basilisk so hard he literally turns into a snake a highlight. Or maybe the scene where our romantic lead makes a dildo out of his own semen. Or, if that's not quite what you're looking for, there's also her pelvis splitting in two. Romance? Not here. What we have instead is a "plot" that slaps you across the face with inconsistency and characters so flat they could slip through the cracks of an e-reader.
The cherry on top of this unholy sundae? The endless abuse, toxic relationships, and "romantic" coercion that is somehow swept under the rug because, oh wait, they’re in love now. Or maybe not? Honestly, I lost track about 12 hours in when the characters switched motivations for the third time that day. All this, and you're still only 5% into the book.
If you’re into nonsensical smut, internal monologues that change faster than you can swipe left on Tinder, and plot twists that feel like they came out of a hat filled with bad fanfiction, then Split or Swallow might just be your thing. For the rest of us? Consider yourself warned.
Final Thoughts:
Split or Swallow is less of a book and more of a punishment for anyone who dares to pick it up. Lindsey Straub needs to consult an editor, a therapist, and maybe a snake handler. There are better ways to spend your time than reading this book—like gouging your eyes out. At least then you won’t have to look at another awkward description of liquid pearl semen.
If you've ever wondered what would happen if The Selection tried to morph into alien love angle erotica, wonder no more! Split or Swallow answers the question that no one asked, no one should ask, and no one will ever ask. With the grace of a freight train.
I read this book as a dare, under the premise that it would break my unblemished record of having 0 dnf's.
This book is a fever dream of bad smut, worse writing and plot twists that somehow managed to feel both absurd and boring at the same time. Our protagonist, Tem, oscillates between wanting to be - not even being - a "strong feminist" and someone who literally totes around a remote-controlled sperm-made vibrator egg because a 1000 year old dish rag told her to after seeing her once (I wish I were kidding) with all the conviction of wet toast.
Straub appears to think the key to world-building is shoving sex into every nook and cranny of her fictional universe, even if it makes absolutely no sense. The dialogue reads like rejected lines from a low-budget soap opera, and the pacing makes you wonder if the characters are caught in some bizarre time loop where they change personalities on a whim.
Highlights? Sure, if you want to call watching Tem blow a basilisk so hard he literally turns into a snake a highlight. Or maybe the scene where our romantic lead makes a dildo out of his own semen. Or, if that's not quite what you're looking for, there's also her pelvis splitting in two. Romance? Not here. What we have instead is a "plot" that slaps you across the face with inconsistency and characters so flat they could slip through the cracks of an e-reader.
The cherry on top of this unholy sundae? The endless abuse, toxic relationships, and "romantic" coercion that is somehow swept under the rug because, oh wait, they’re in love now. Or maybe not? Honestly, I lost track about 12 hours in when the characters switched motivations for the third time that day. All this, and you're still only 5% into the book.
If you’re into nonsensical smut, internal monologues that change faster than you can swipe left on Tinder, and plot twists that feel like they came out of a hat filled with bad fanfiction, then Split or Swallow might just be your thing. For the rest of us? Consider yourself warned.
Final Thoughts:
Split or Swallow is less of a book and more of a punishment for anyone who dares to pick it up. Lindsey Straub needs to consult an editor, a therapist, and maybe a snake handler. There are better ways to spend your time than reading this book—like gouging your eyes out. At least then you won’t have to look at another awkward description of liquid pearl semen.
March 30, 2025
This book is less “gleefully unhinged” than it is “the worst thing I’ve ever read”. You will be told that this wacky, insane, not-like-other-girls of a book is simply too bananas to be believed - why, the entire book is about sex! Have you ever heard of such a thing! While the story (such as it is) is indeed unusual, it isn’t due to any artistic storytelling prowess; the book is bizarre because the writing is so bad that it’s almost unreadable. Tem’s dreadful character is both child-like in her stupidity and absurdly arrogant about her own powers of seduction (it’s a real Madonna/whore situation). The men? Literally served no purpose except for their dicks so why bother giving them any character traits or personalities? There are some attempts at plot twists that don’t gently weave their way into the story so much as banshee shriek to announce their arrival so no one is even slightly surprised when something unbelievably dumb happens. Not a fan of realistic, witty, or even coherent dialogue? You’re in the right place! I don’t know if this book was trying to be funny or trying to be serious, but whatever its goal, one thing is for sure: it failed.
July 29, 2025
if a man told me to close my eyes and accept a pint of black goo into my gob.... well i'm not sure what i'd do but i certainly wouldn't swallow it no questions asked.
black goo aside, this book was both hilarious and also kind of hot. which i'm ashamed to say.. but when am i not being a nasty little freak on goodreads. this isn't truly a 5 star read but it's been a second since i've had one and this book at least kept me entertained.
black goo aside, this book was both hilarious and also kind of hot. which i'm ashamed to say.. but when am i not being a nasty little freak on goodreads. this isn't truly a 5 star read but it's been a second since i've had one and this book at least kept me entertained.
January 13, 2025
yk what, hell yeah
September 7, 2025
3.5 stars ✨
I just devoured 750 pages worth of basilisk smut in two days. No, the correct word would be- inhaled. Idk what happened, one moment I was judging and the next, I just couldn't stop reading it? It's that trashy entertainment you can't get enough of, even though you know it's really bad.
Cause let's be real, this is 90% snake smut and 10% poorly executed plot. It's not well written, the characters are also not good individually and with each other too. It's all drama and yet the relationship bits and spice is quite well written. It's also unique imo and fast paced. The book stands out in a way that I've not read before. It's definitely going to be something that I'll remember maybe because I'm partially traumatized and in need of a soul cleansing 🫣
🚩 Tem is an annoying, reckless and obnoxious fmc. She needs to stop thinking she's a gift to humanity. 🚩 Caspen is a hot possessive basilisk but a liar. I like that man a lot but he needs to work on the lying issues and be a better communicator. 🚩 Leo is a self conceited prince hung up on his ex. But better of the other two characters by far. 🚩 Rowe is aggressive and had far more potential than what happened to him.
The relationship dynamics are something. I can't even describe without cracking up at the ridiculousness of it all. You just have to read to find out lol. The romance is fun, I'll give it that. It's complex, dramatic, intense and spicy. I was here for the spice and in the right mood it ended up delivering for me. It was good spice, had me shook in some places, like hand on mouth, heart racing sort 🥵
That ending however was really good. Idk whether I loved the book or hated it. Cause it was cringe and kinda stupid. But all I know is I was entertained a lot. It's probably the sort of book to help with a reading slump. I oddly cannot wait for the next book, feels weird to say cause I need a baptism now. It's definitely not the sort of book for everyone for sure though.
~•~•~
This is that dressing on the side while I feast on Babel.
I just devoured 750 pages worth of basilisk smut in two days. No, the correct word would be- inhaled. Idk what happened, one moment I was judging and the next, I just couldn't stop reading it? It's that trashy entertainment you can't get enough of, even though you know it's really bad.
Cause let's be real, this is 90% snake smut and 10% poorly executed plot. It's not well written, the characters are also not good individually and with each other too. It's all drama and yet the relationship bits and spice is quite well written. It's also unique imo and fast paced. The book stands out in a way that I've not read before. It's definitely going to be something that I'll remember maybe because I'm partially traumatized and in need of a soul cleansing 🫣
🚩 Tem is an annoying, reckless and obnoxious fmc. She needs to stop thinking she's a gift to humanity. 🚩 Caspen is a hot possessive basilisk but a liar. I like that man a lot but he needs to work on the lying issues and be a better communicator. 🚩 Leo is a self conceited prince hung up on his ex. But better of the other two characters by far. 🚩 Rowe is aggressive and had far more potential than what happened to him.
The relationship dynamics are something. I can't even describe without cracking up at the ridiculousness of it all. You just have to read to find out lol. The romance is fun, I'll give it that. It's complex, dramatic, intense and spicy. I was here for the spice and in the right mood it ended up delivering for me. It was good spice, had me shook in some places, like hand on mouth, heart racing sort 🥵
That ending however was really good. Idk whether I loved the book or hated it. Cause it was cringe and kinda stupid. But all I know is I was entertained a lot. It's probably the sort of book to help with a reading slump. I oddly cannot wait for the next book, feels weird to say cause I need a baptism now. It's definitely not the sort of book for everyone for sure though.
~•~•~
This is that dressing on the side while I feast on Babel.
March 12, 2025
If you don't end up hissing after you read this book, then READ IT AGAIN. This unhinged, addictive, and smutty book was the highlight of my month! 5 freaking stars! 🔥
I was scared going into this book (hello, it's a basilisk romance), but when you have that buddy read support, you say 'f it' and DIVE in and OMG, I'm so glad I did.
OKAY, HEAR ME OUT 🗣️ seriously, you will love this book. I just can't put into words how amazing it was. Yes, yes, it's a basilisk romance, but to be fair, they take on human forms, and even when they’re in their snakey form, they still feel 'human,' so it's not your typical paranormal.
Let's talk about the book it's a society where basilisks and humans live in harmony, and part of their treaty is that the basilisks train the women who are the same age as the prince to be his "perfect" wife in the bedroom, aka The Bachelor style elimination but with SMUT. That's all I'm gonna say because you definitely need to go in blind. This book is definitely for the ~vibes~.
Tem definitely didn't know what to expect, and neither did I as a reader, but we both ended up craving more aaaaaah 😍. Also, I'm kind of begging for book 2 already—please, is there any?!? 😩
anyway, hiss hiss 🐍, happy reading!
⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆.⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆.⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆.
𝗽𝗿𝗲-𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱 ꪆৎ ˚⋅ ngl idk how i got here.. but i’m buddy reading this and low key need to know what a basilisk romance looks like 👀🖤
I was scared going into this book (hello, it's a basilisk romance), but when you have that buddy read support, you say 'f it' and DIVE in and OMG, I'm so glad I did.
OKAY, HEAR ME OUT 🗣️ seriously, you will love this book. I just can't put into words how amazing it was. Yes, yes, it's a basilisk romance, but to be fair, they take on human forms, and even when they’re in their snakey form, they still feel 'human,' so it's not your typical paranormal.
Let's talk about the book it's a society where basilisks and humans live in harmony, and part of their treaty is that the basilisks train the women who are the same age as the prince to be his "perfect" wife in the bedroom, aka The Bachelor style elimination but with SMUT. That's all I'm gonna say because you definitely need to go in blind. This book is definitely for the ~vibes~.
Tem definitely didn't know what to expect, and neither did I as a reader, but we both ended up craving more aaaaaah 😍. Also, I'm kind of begging for book 2 already—please, is there any?!? 😩
anyway, hiss hiss 🐍, happy reading!
⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆.⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆.⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆.
𝗽𝗿𝗲-𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱 ꪆৎ ˚⋅ ngl idk how i got here.. but i’m buddy reading this and low key need to know what a basilisk romance looks like 👀🖤
August 31, 2024
Tem was a such a drag. The real fantasy is that not one but two dudes would be in love with her. This book is too long and the smut was nonstop (and repetitive) and SPOILERS I GUESS her pelvis breaking doing the dirty was obscene. Not okay. Not cool. I’m scarred for life.
June 25, 2025
➳ my worst read of 2025 ☆
lindsay straube, you have officially abused, butchered, fried, destroyed, demolished, cut up, tortured, slaughtered, crushed, annihilated, dissolved, and desolated my braincells. these are the most appalling, awful, creepy, disgraceful, distasteful, egregious, horrid, nasty, revolting, shameful, and vile characters i have read about. i hated everything about this. this was so stupid, i am sorry.
manas is back with her hate reviews. real hate reviews. PLEASE do not take this seriously. this is legit snake smut. i have nothing against the author or anyone who liked it. this will be mean, and this will be critiquing the BOOK. i am sure the author is a great person, it really is never that serious. i only finished this because of my buddy read and so i can fully form my opinion. if i were to DNF, i would not be able to fully form my thoughts. i gave it a chance and i regret everything. my eyes, ears, and brain have never been so abused.
★ ── the romance
aka, the snake porn. what. the. fuck. besties. i am dying laughing. there is NO romance. this was reptile smut cover to cover. it wasn't good either. there are several characters that our main character, tem was just fucking for the sake of fucking. i legit mean everything and everyone. i was so taken aback by her bullshit. how can one be this horny as a human??? at one point—it hurts. nothing about her character made any sense to me. girl was banging and panging everything that moved—then whined when she didn't get attention from random characters. loyalty is not in her vocabulary. tem is fucking two princes, their enemies, their dads??? while simultaneously having the entire town and their mother watch. i am crashing out.
★ ── the worldbuilding
who the fuck lied to me and said this was fantasy??? come to the front, now. there is legit no description of this book online because the author said it’s best to go in clueless. i went into this as blind as possible and came out of it pissed off. calling this a fantasy is insulting in every capacity. from the get-go of this novel, she is just a sex toy with no substance if you are gonna write porn, fucking write porn. this was so basic and bland with no spice. i am not being mean, i just don't understand anything that happened. WHAT. THE. HELLY.
★ ── the sequel
now... i am all for the lunacy but why does this need another book??? this is just cover to cover cheaply written sex. it wasn't even different or new. this is 700 pages of the exact same thing with no development. at this point, you could've at least made her get with a wall, as every man in this disgusting me so bad. i am extremely insulted that this was ever published. i cannot believe this is getting a part two. props to the author, because i could never write this. the narrators also deserve compensation for reciting this foolishness aloud.
whoever recommended this to me deserves nothing good.
i hope you have hot pillows for the rest of your life.
i hope you have all your spines cracked.
i hope your books have dog ears.
i hope you have 1 star reads.
i just know everyone in this book STINKS. not one mention of a shower.
meagan and i have suffered enough. ily for reading this with me. 🐍
lindsay straube, you have officially abused, butchered, fried, destroyed, demolished, cut up, tortured, slaughtered, crushed, annihilated, dissolved, and desolated my braincells. these are the most appalling, awful, creepy, disgraceful, distasteful, egregious, horrid, nasty, revolting, shameful, and vile characters i have read about. i hated everything about this. this was so stupid, i am sorry.
‼️‼️‼️‼️there will be spoilers‼️‼️‼️‼️
manas is back with her hate reviews. real hate reviews. PLEASE do not take this seriously. this is legit snake smut. i have nothing against the author or anyone who liked it. this will be mean, and this will be critiquing the BOOK. i am sure the author is a great person, it really is never that serious. i only finished this because of my buddy read and so i can fully form my opinion. if i were to DNF, i would not be able to fully form my thoughts. i gave it a chance and i regret everything. my eyes, ears, and brain have never been so abused.
★ ── the romance
aka, the snake porn. what. the. fuck. besties. i am dying laughing. there is NO romance. this was reptile smut cover to cover. it wasn't good either. there are several characters that our main character, tem was just fucking for the sake of fucking. i legit mean everything and everyone. i was so taken aback by her bullshit. how can one be this horny as a human??? at one point—it hurts. nothing about her character made any sense to me. girl was banging and panging everything that moved—then whined when she didn't get attention from random characters. loyalty is not in her vocabulary. tem is fucking two princes, their enemies, their dads??? while simultaneously having the entire town and their mother watch. i am crashing out.
★ ── the worldbuilding
who the fuck lied to me and said this was fantasy??? come to the front, now. there is legit no description of this book online because the author said it’s best to go in clueless. i went into this as blind as possible and came out of it pissed off. calling this a fantasy is insulting in every capacity. from the get-go of this novel, she is just a sex toy with no substance if you are gonna write porn, fucking write porn. this was so basic and bland with no spice. i am not being mean, i just don't understand anything that happened. WHAT. THE. HELLY.
★ ── the sequel
now... i am all for the lunacy but why does this need another book??? this is just cover to cover cheaply written sex. it wasn't even different or new. this is 700 pages of the exact same thing with no development. at this point, you could've at least made her get with a wall, as every man in this disgusting me so bad. i am extremely insulted that this was ever published. i cannot believe this is getting a part two. props to the author, because i could never write this. the narrators also deserve compensation for reciting this foolishness aloud.
whoever recommended this to me deserves nothing good.
i just know everyone in this book STINKS. not one mention of a shower.
meagan and i have suffered enough. ily for reading this with me. 🐍
September 13, 2024
DNF at 40%
How can a book with this much sex be SO BORING??
How can a book with this much sex be SO BORING??
January 16, 2025
book must be big with the “only reads dialogue” crowd
August 27, 2024
This was fine? Definitely too long. Did not give one iota of a shit about Caspen, the manipulative snake who likes Tem for reasons unknown. Also, Tem was insufferable. Thinks she’s too good for Leo but not good enough for Caspen. Jokes on her, Leo is the only likable character in this book and the only reason I gave it 3 stars instead of 2.
Here’s to hoping book 2 is Leo finding love with Evelyn.
Here’s to hoping book 2 is Leo finding love with Evelyn.
August 13, 2024
I am not a monster romance girlie but want me to tell you why I railroaded this book in A SINGLE DAY? BECAUSE ITS INCREDIBLE.
I had the HONOR of reading an advanced copy of SoS and when I tell you I laughed, I cried, I paced around my living room. I was IN IT for Tem and simply couldn’t stop.
The spice is immaculate, the plot is FASCINATING, and the CHARACTERS omg don’t even get me started.
I may never read a monster romance again but I absolutely will be rereading SoS.
Also…#teamleo OBVIOUSLY
I had the HONOR of reading an advanced copy of SoS and when I tell you I laughed, I cried, I paced around my living room. I was IN IT for Tem and simply couldn’t stop.
The spice is immaculate, the plot is FASCINATING, and the CHARACTERS omg don’t even get me started.
I may never read a monster romance again but I absolutely will be rereading SoS.
Also…#teamleo OBVIOUSLY
December 10, 2024
In the clerb we all fam
December 5, 2024
WHAT A WILD RIDE.
September 29, 2024
Spoilers. Spoilers galore because I can't express myself about this book without spoilers.
I was excited about this book. I wanted to read a basilisk shifter romance. I wanted to see a Draco Malfoy esk character and people competing to be his wife. I wanted the love triangle and the drama. This book was none of those things. NONE.
Let's just start with the book/plot itself. This story is 300 pages too long. There is no point to it being this long. The story could of easily been told in less because nothing happens. Literally the story CRAWLS. The sex scenes are repetitive to the point that I started skipping/skimming them. And that's something for me to say because I love a good smut. The conflict was silly. And honestly, depending on who Tem was interacting with.. I thought I was reading two different books, where I was missing bits in between. Whenever Tem was with Leo vs when she was with Caspen felt like completely too different stories. It was disjointed and did not flow together so it really felt like you were missing scenes and info.
Which let's now go into that. Our characters.
1. Because fuck Tem. She is the absolute worst female main lead I have ever read about. She acts like she wants things and knows things.. and then two seconds later absolutely contradicts those same exact wants and things. She's not open about anything. She gets angry about nothing. She leads Leo on for no other reason than that she is a selfish bitch. And honestly, she plays with Caspen's love and devotion to her to use it as excuses to just do whatever she wants. She's a gaslighter and only cares about herself. I don't believe she loves anyone.. and her one saving grace was that she "let Leo go". Fucking eye roll.
2. Caspen is just fine. He's there. He's daddy snake. He's your typical alpha guy who is also just so in love with Tem that he will do anything for her. Most of the scenes we see are these two together because they are ALWAYS together. They spend the least amount of time apart for a book telling me that we were supposed to be training the girls for Leo. Like... where's Leo time then? We get surface level relationship conversations with Caspen and Tem but at least you see them together and why their relationship grows.
3. Leo aka Draco Malfoy. Justice for Leo. He deserves better than ever falling in love with Tem. I don't even know how he is a valid romantic option because Tem spends zero time with him. ZERO. She's out here having sex with Caspen every other page, while stringing my poor boy Leo along whenever he shows up every 50 pages. AND THEN... Leo finally gets to sleep with Tem at 85% of the way into the book and honestly WHATS EVEN THE POINT BY THEN. Like we know he doesn't stand a chance. I don't even know why Tem lies and says she loves him.. like girl WHEN did you fall in love with him. And Leo is out here all consent king and wants Tem any way he can have her even if he has to share her. His wants and feelings are put on the back burner to make Tem happy and he just sacrifices himself any way possible for her. It's ABSURD. I love Leo and he deserves better than anything this story gave him.
AND THEN.. this part pissed me off. Caspen urges Tem to crest Leo so that Tem can save herself.. which then in turn enslaves Leo to her. And Leo WILL because he loves her. Get the fuck outta here with that nonsense. BUT THEN after he does all this and he just wants to be with her.. Tem sends him away to go look for Evelyn because "if you truly love someone you let them go" fucking bullshit. So basically everything she did with Leo was pointless and she dragged his feelings through a meat grinder for no fucking reason. And she got to have her HEA with Caspen. Fucking vomit.
Anyways...
Tem breaks a pelvis from all the basilisk sex. That was horrific.
Missed opportunity having Leo/Draco be a basilisk shifter.
I would like to delete this whole book from my brain.
The end.
I was excited about this book. I wanted to read a basilisk shifter romance. I wanted to see a Draco Malfoy esk character and people competing to be his wife. I wanted the love triangle and the drama. This book was none of those things. NONE.
Let's just start with the book/plot itself. This story is 300 pages too long. There is no point to it being this long. The story could of easily been told in less because nothing happens. Literally the story CRAWLS. The sex scenes are repetitive to the point that I started skipping/skimming them. And that's something for me to say because I love a good smut. The conflict was silly. And honestly, depending on who Tem was interacting with.. I thought I was reading two different books, where I was missing bits in between. Whenever Tem was with Leo vs when she was with Caspen felt like completely too different stories. It was disjointed and did not flow together so it really felt like you were missing scenes and info.
Which let's now go into that. Our characters.
1. Because fuck Tem. She is the absolute worst female main lead I have ever read about. She acts like she wants things and knows things.. and then two seconds later absolutely contradicts those same exact wants and things. She's not open about anything. She gets angry about nothing. She leads Leo on for no other reason than that she is a selfish bitch. And honestly, she plays with Caspen's love and devotion to her to use it as excuses to just do whatever she wants. She's a gaslighter and only cares about herself. I don't believe she loves anyone.. and her one saving grace was that she "let Leo go". Fucking eye roll.
2. Caspen is just fine. He's there. He's daddy snake. He's your typical alpha guy who is also just so in love with Tem that he will do anything for her. Most of the scenes we see are these two together because they are ALWAYS together. They spend the least amount of time apart for a book telling me that we were supposed to be training the girls for Leo. Like... where's Leo time then? We get surface level relationship conversations with Caspen and Tem but at least you see them together and why their relationship grows.
3. Leo aka Draco Malfoy. Justice for Leo. He deserves better than ever falling in love with Tem. I don't even know how he is a valid romantic option because Tem spends zero time with him. ZERO. She's out here having sex with Caspen every other page, while stringing my poor boy Leo along whenever he shows up every 50 pages. AND THEN... Leo finally gets to sleep with Tem at 85% of the way into the book and honestly WHATS EVEN THE POINT BY THEN. Like we know he doesn't stand a chance. I don't even know why Tem lies and says she loves him.. like girl WHEN did you fall in love with him. And Leo is out here all consent king and wants Tem any way he can have her even if he has to share her. His wants and feelings are put on the back burner to make Tem happy and he just sacrifices himself any way possible for her. It's ABSURD. I love Leo and he deserves better than anything this story gave him.
AND THEN.. this part pissed me off. Caspen urges Tem to crest Leo so that Tem can save herself.. which then in turn enslaves Leo to her. And Leo WILL because he loves her. Get the fuck outta here with that nonsense. BUT THEN after he does all this and he just wants to be with her.. Tem sends him away to go look for Evelyn because "if you truly love someone you let them go" fucking bullshit. So basically everything she did with Leo was pointless and she dragged his feelings through a meat grinder for no fucking reason. And she got to have her HEA with Caspen. Fucking vomit.
Anyways...
Tem breaks a pelvis from all the basilisk sex. That was horrific.
Missed opportunity having Leo/Draco be a basilisk shifter.
I would like to delete this whole book from my brain.
The end.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 10, 2025
ok, that was something. this is by no means out of my comfort zone and i did find this book fun, entertaining and super spicy HOWEVER i really couldn’t get along with our FMC Temperance. i feel like she was constantly contradicting herself and i just could not warm to her 😭. would i recommend this book? probably! it’s a spicy, fun time and the plot is actually pretty interesting but yeah idk, Tem just wasn’t my cup of tea.
October 14, 2024
DNF at 6%. How did anyone get past the part where he compares her beauty to a handful of ejaculate???? HOW???????????
May 15, 2025
I finished this book out of spite, and now my brain’s in full trauma mode begging for amnesia.
I probably should’ve stopped reading when they did that bizarre belly button fertility check on page 3. Definitely should’ve quit when the main character started raving about how beautiful sperm is….BYE
And then the author added the DAD into the mix.
I’m disgusted fr.
Just a bunch of snakes watching everyone bang
Thanks to Manas for enduring this atrocity with me 🐍💖
I probably should’ve stopped reading when they did that bizarre belly button fertility check on page 3. Definitely should’ve quit when the main character started raving about how beautiful sperm is….BYE
And then the author added the DAD into the mix.
I’m disgusted fr.
Just a bunch of snakes watching everyone bang
Thanks to Manas for enduring this atrocity with me 🐍💖
March 3, 2025
Word of advice; Just read this for the spice🤣🤣.
The plot is basically CHEATING disguised as a "LOVE TRIANGLE"💀🙂
I have never thought I'd find an fmc as annoying as Tella from Caraval but this biatch called Tem took the trophy!!!
The NUMBER OF TIMES I ALMOST THREW MY PHONE AGAINST THE WALL😤
The plot is basically CHEATING disguised as a "LOVE TRIANGLE"💀🙂
I have never thought I'd find an fmc as annoying as Tella from Caraval but this biatch called Tem took the trophy!!!
The NUMBER OF TIMES I ALMOST THREW MY PHONE AGAINST THE WALL😤
June 18, 2025
who knew 700 pages of basilisk porn could be so healing!!!
September 2, 2024
Nothing could have prepared me for what I would find within these pages. Did this book have quality writing? No. Was the plot interesting? Also no. But did this book have compelling and likable characters? Absolutely not. But what it did have was magically enslaving orgasms, a supernatural mind controlled vibrator made out of jizz (how else would make one), and exhibitionist rituals to prove your worth via your vagina. With 800 pages of pure smut, this book weaves the story of a foreign land where the Prince chooses his bride based off the sexual training provided by shape shifting basilisks, who for some reason remain subservient to the humans even though in the one battle, we see they absolutely destroy everyone in their path. In a book designed to help those with a dead bedroom, our main character navigates her way through a love triangle with her serpent sex trainer and non over than the Prince himself. Following our happily ever after, the author grants us one more gift, (truly giving the people what they want) in a bonus scene she claims is not cannon but she felt she had to write. With her last words she gives us the threesome scene we were denied with the three players in our triangle, and for that we are all grateful. A truly bizarre tale that leaves us all wondering, what on earth did I just read.
March 17, 2025
4⭐️
I don’t even know what to say hahahah this book is absolutely MENTAL 🤣 but in the best way, I’m not going to go into details because I think you should go in blind.
However you need to have a VERY open mind, take it for what it is and enjoy it 😅 this is hands down the spiciest book I’ve ever ever read, and the wildest ride I’ve ever been on, there are so many what the fuck moments in this, it’s a journey 😂
However, I definitely fell in love with a basilisk along the way so, what’s a girl to do 🤷🏽♀️😅
Serious points though- world building isn’t good, would’ve like some more explanation as to why the basilisks ended up with this role and why this ‘courting’ with the prince had to be the way it is (courting is an understatement) but I enjoyed nonetheless (I dunno what that says about me) ✌🏽
I don’t even know what to say hahahah this book is absolutely MENTAL 🤣 but in the best way, I’m not going to go into details because I think you should go in blind.
However you need to have a VERY open mind, take it for what it is and enjoy it 😅 this is hands down the spiciest book I’ve ever ever read, and the wildest ride I’ve ever been on, there are so many what the fuck moments in this, it’s a journey 😂
However, I definitely fell in love with a basilisk along the way so, what’s a girl to do 🤷🏽♀️😅
Serious points though- world building isn’t good, would’ve like some more explanation as to why the basilisks ended up with this role and why this ‘courting’ with the prince had to be the way it is (courting is an understatement) but I enjoyed nonetheless (I dunno what that says about me) ✌🏽
September 4, 2024
I know the group chat is going to roast me for reading another monster smut but i’m just a girl
June 4, 2025
Was this book good? No, not at all. This is the kind of book you write when your “hear me out” is the snake in the Chamber of Secrets. It is horribly written, the FMC is insufferable, and the plot is simply filler words to get to more smut.
Was this book entertaining? 1000 times yes. It’s like the bachelor, but with contestants that undergo sex training with mythical snakes. It’s a mess in the best way possible, a bonafide gold star, one star read. Absolute ridiculousness. Loved it.
Was this book entertaining? 1000 times yes. It’s like the bachelor, but with contestants that undergo sex training with mythical snakes. It’s a mess in the best way possible, a bonafide gold star, one star read. Absolute ridiculousness. Loved it.
March 24, 2025
When someone tells you this books is wild assume they mean this book is WILD🫣 and not wild😜
This contains:
- boning your father-in-law in front of a live studio audience
- vibrators (that thrust) made out of snake jizz
- devils tango lasting HOURS only to end in your pelvis splitting in half.
- telling your partner they’re the only one for you and then banging someone else in the same evening.
- “not uh”, “yeah huh”, “not uh” (over and over again)
- “hey, go crest yourself 🖕” “lol ok”
- Frisky Sixty (seven minutes in heaven Ren Faire edition)
Proceed at your own risk
This contains:
- boning your father-in-law in front of a live studio audience
- vibrators (that thrust) made out of snake jizz
- devils tango lasting HOURS only to end in your pelvis splitting in half.
- telling your partner they’re the only one for you and then banging someone else in the same evening.
- “not uh”, “yeah huh”, “not uh” (over and over again)
- “hey, go crest yourself 🖕” “lol ok”
- Frisky Sixty (seven minutes in heaven Ren Faire edition)
Proceed at your own risk
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Read
October 23, 2025Dnf @48%
Let’s not talk about it. Please. I’m pretending it never happened 🧍🏽♀️
⋆. 𐙚 ˚ pre read ⋆. 𐙚 ˚
If I come back scarred… just know I knew better and still opened the book 😭
Let’s not talk about it. Please. I’m pretending it never happened 🧍🏽♀️
⋆. 𐙚 ˚ pre read ⋆. 𐙚 ˚
If I come back scarred… just know I knew better and still opened the book 😭
November 26, 2024
the hottest most unhinged romantasy I never knew I was missing until now!!! The way I completely inhaled 700+ pages and could have easily devoured another 700 pages. When I said hot, I mean this is in fact the SPICIEST romantasy I have ever laid my eyes upon to the point my retinas have been burned. I also recently saw a video saying that the girls with the cutest daintiest kindle covers read the freakiest shit and it’s me, hi. I’m the girl with a cutie kindle cover and this book was the freakydeakiest of all.
She’s trained in seduction by a fine ass basilisk so she can seduce and earn the heart of a prince. I ATE!! So incredibly fun and wild! Yeah just, read it!
4.5⭐️ 5🌶️
She’s trained in seduction by a fine ass basilisk so she can seduce and earn the heart of a prince. I ATE!! So incredibly fun and wild! Yeah just, read it!
4.5⭐️ 5🌶️
November 30, 2024
Listen, I will legit never forget this book… ever. There is NOTHING like it.
Honestly, I really enjoyed it. The story was so intriguing to me - I HAD to know what was going to happen. Oh, and the spice? HOLY EFFFF 🥵 this was insanely hot.
Now, this might be one of the first books where I was so back and forth with both men. I’m still sorta team both (but there is one I like slightly more) 🤭😂 I genuinely don’t think I could decide if I were Tem. The why choose was done SO WELL.
Definitely recommend this if you’re looking for a fantasy but with heavy spice. Oh and something totally unhinged 😂
Honestly, I really enjoyed it. The story was so intriguing to me - I HAD to know what was going to happen. Oh, and the spice? HOLY EFFFF 🥵 this was insanely hot.
Now, this might be one of the first books where I was so back and forth with both men. I’m still sorta team both (but there is one I like slightly more) 🤭😂 I genuinely don’t think I could decide if I were Tem. The why choose was done SO WELL.
Definitely recommend this if you’re looking for a fantasy but with heavy spice. Oh and something totally unhinged 😂
August 13, 2024
SOS, I need help because of how in love with this story I am 😈🐍🤝 (put me down)
✨ SPOILER FREE ✨ (as much as it pains me)
I had the privilege of reading Split or Swallow early 🖤
Born in the same year as the prince, our girl Tem must undergo s*x training with a basilisk in order to win the prince’s hand in marriage. But what if Tem doesn’t want the prince at all? What if she wants the basilisk?
It’s giving the bachelor/selection , Draco Malfoy (w gold teeth 😈) , & innapropriate use of a claw. Iykyk 🤌🏼
This feral story is both absurdly hot and beautifully written in equal measure. Only Lindsay could write a basilisk p*rn book with the most excellent prose that has so much heart and humanity in it…
& has a CHOKEHOLD on this community like I have never seen.
I cannot express to you how deeply addicting and all consuming the story and writing are.
Team Leo, for anyone with ANY doubts 🧎♀️
But ACTUALLY Team give Tem whatever the feck she wants 🙏
This story is such a feat. A brilliant plot, strong character development, with the most wickedly clever banter and prose. What’s not to love?
RUN, do not walk. Available on Oxfordlemon’s site for free as we speak! Pre-Order on KU for free for Aug 21 release. Available to purchase a physical copy here soon… cannot WAIT to have this beauty on my shelves im the library 🥹🐍
✨ SPOILER FREE ✨ (as much as it pains me)
I had the privilege of reading Split or Swallow early 🖤
Born in the same year as the prince, our girl Tem must undergo s*x training with a basilisk in order to win the prince’s hand in marriage. But what if Tem doesn’t want the prince at all? What if she wants the basilisk?
It’s giving the bachelor/selection , Draco Malfoy (w gold teeth 😈) , & innapropriate use of a claw. Iykyk 🤌🏼
This feral story is both absurdly hot and beautifully written in equal measure. Only Lindsay could write a basilisk p*rn book with the most excellent prose that has so much heart and humanity in it…
& has a CHOKEHOLD on this community like I have never seen.
I cannot express to you how deeply addicting and all consuming the story and writing are.
Team Leo, for anyone with ANY doubts 🧎♀️
But ACTUALLY Team give Tem whatever the feck she wants 🙏
This story is such a feat. A brilliant plot, strong character development, with the most wickedly clever banter and prose. What’s not to love?
RUN, do not walk. Available on Oxfordlemon’s site for free as we speak! Pre-Order on KU for free for Aug 21 release. Available to purchase a physical copy here soon… cannot WAIT to have this beauty on my shelves im the library 🥹🐍
September 11, 2024
I have not hated a book this much since I was forced to read The Old Man and the Sea in high school. I have been personally victimized by this book. This book was an insult to my intelligence. Why did I finish reading it you may ask? Because I wanted to know the true depth of my hatred.
So many plot holes, the author changed the magic at whim, especially when she wrote herself into a corner and then remembered the story needed a plot. I’ve never said this but WAY too many repetitive sex scenes. And I’m sorry, the broken pelvis?????!?!?! I’m supposed to still believe she loves him after that?!?! Oh and then she forces the human prince away at the end? Pretending that’s somehow giving him his autonomy back?? It was way too long. The MC was truly awful and irredeemable.
1 star I guess to the chickens just being chickens.
So many plot holes, the author changed the magic at whim, especially when she wrote herself into a corner and then remembered the story needed a plot. I’ve never said this but WAY too many repetitive sex scenes. And I’m sorry, the broken pelvis?????!?!?! I’m supposed to still believe she loves him after that?!?! Oh and then she forces the human prince away at the end? Pretending that’s somehow giving him his autonomy back?? It was way too long. The MC was truly awful and irredeemable.
1 star I guess to the chickens just being chickens.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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