I Wish You Wouldn't

by Alex Ritany

"I thought I hated Aman Khalil as much as it was possible to hate a person, but that was before he broke my best friend’s heart. (And then mine, but I don’t want to get into that just yet.)"

Connor hates everything about his best friend Natalie’s boyfriend, from his dumb basketball shorts to his penchant for giving life advice nobody asked for. Aman Khalil’s good looks and over-the-top nice guy act might be fooling Nat, but Connor sees right through it, and Aman is wasting the limited time Connor has with his friends before they go their separate ways for university.

All year, Connor’s been planning the summer road trip to end all road trips—the last hurrah for the best friends he’s ever had—and it’s going to be foolproof. Meticulously planned itinerary through western Canada’s luxurious landscapes? Check. Perfect moments with each of his friends, so goodbye won’t hurt so much? Check. Distance from his overbearing mom? Check.

Aman, invited without Connor’s permission?

... Check.

But then Nat and Aman break up two days into the six week trip, Connor’s house of cards comes crashing down. With Aman constantly underfoot and the foundations of their friend group slowly cracking, Connor is forced to confront the growing feelings he can’t squash, properly face what happened six months ago, and start answering the real

What is he really running from? What is Aman trying to tell him? And is there room in his life for the person he might be at the end of the road?

Genres: Romance, Young Adult, Queer

347 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 7, 2024

About the author

Alex is a Canadian artist, musician, and YA author of DEAD GIRLS DON’T SAY SORRY from Knopf BFYR and I WISH YOU WOULDN’T. When they’re not at the keyboard, you can find them hosting tabletop game night, working on illustrations, or at their other keyboard composing music.

Alex’s love of art, music, and the western Canadian landscape regularly spills into their writing, which tends to feature complex friendships, twisty romances, and explorations of queerness. They live in Calgary with their roommate, cat, and dice collection.

Reviews

[Alex Ritany]

book of my heart. cannot WAIT to share it with you

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, this book is technically stunning — the writing is so rich and textured that you can taste the dry heat of the Canadian prarie in July. That’s not even the best part about it, though. It’s a love letter to self-discovery, to the courage it takes to face yourself without looking away. It manages to be effortlessly funny and immediately endearing while also taking a baseball bat to your emotional core. The characters are startlingly real and beautifully rendered. I want to be friends with all of them. I sort of want to crack them open like eggs and study exactly what makes them tick. Also? Not ashamed to say it, Aman is hot and living vicariously through Connor, who gets to kiss him on the face, was great. 10/10.
This book changed my life. I can’t wait for many more summers with it.

[Abigél Szellő · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a bit of a rough start at first—I had actually begun it once before, but the timing wasn’t right back then. I've learned to set books aside and let them go when that happens. But I’m so glad I came back and gave it another try, because it turned out to be such an entertaining journey.

I loved Connor’s anger, the glimpses into the past, and the well-developed characters—so well written that even without things being explicitly stated, I just knew and felt what I needed to. That’s real authorial skill. Every character had their own personality and issues, and I felt close to all of them—I understood them and truly empathized.

It was great being inside Connor’s head, and Aman was incredibly likeable too. The enemies-to-lovers trope and the slow burn were built up so beautifully—it hurt, in the best way! I loved the coming out parts as well.

[Theo · Rating 5 out of 5]

ritanyverse book published on my birthday? ritanyverse for me??

connor is everything baby teen me needed to see in someone else and reading i wish you wouldn’t has finally soothed the lingering sting of going through complete emotional turmoil and remaking of myself into someone i want to be, not just who i was set on a course to be. alex, you did it again ‼️

[shadithehobbit · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely adored this book, the characters, the character development, the feels, the relatability, the writing, just, asdfghjkl! So. Good. I laughed, I cried, I was living right in Connor’s world, I was just so immersed in this book. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love this book even more than Ritany’s last book. The sun is shining ☀️

[seventhdevil · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deserves all the stars, what a lovely story ❤️

[Jules · Rating 5 out of 5]

“They feel more like family than my actual family does, sometimes. I just don’t know how to tell them.”

This book and this author changed my life in equal measure. The first time I read this book, before it was even a book I could hold in my hands, I didn’t know what real friendships could look like. I was a lonely kid, didn’t have many friends, reading until 3 in the morning, crying and laughing because all of a sudden, I was filled with not just a soul deep affection for these characters, but also pure, unadulterated Hope. Hope that I could find my people. Hope for the future. Hope that I could be everything I wanted to be. Each ache, yearning, longing that Connor felt echoed in my bones. Now, fast forward four years, getting to read this as a novel, in my hands, is an experience I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Never have I ever (pun intended - you’ll understand once you read the book) read a book that felt so much like finding a home, a family. Connor and his friends all feel like the kind of people I wish I’d befriended in high school: funny, loyal, compassionate, hot, willing to do just about anything for each other. And Alex has the innate ability to suck you in in such a way that it feels like you’re going on the fun journey of self discovery with them. I genuinely don’t think it will ever not feel like I’m reading it for the first time, and I can’t wait to see what the cover looks like 30 years down the road, with a cracked spine and softened sun worn pages from the amount of times I’m going to return to it.

To anyone who is thinking of reading, I hope you see yourself in these pages like I did. I hope you find the Connor to your Nat. The Nat to your Warren. The Payton to your Connor. The Connor to your Aman. I hope you find the friends that feel like family. Because as this book will remind you over and over again, sometimes that’s all you need.

[Dahl O · Rating 5 out of 5]

a perfect balance of heartbreak and humor and hope. Alex masterfully weaves conflict into every page. The entire cast of characters felt so real and Connor’s struggle was so genuine and raw. I had the privilege of reading this story’s earlier form, and I am still awestruck by how incredible it is. A truly meaningful book that deserves so much love

[Lidia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't know this author and generally I don't read YA novel...but this book is so beautiful and so well written that I 'm read it with wonder. The characters and the emotions are portrait gracefully and sincerely. And their journey isn't only a last summer together before the college but is discover and growing up . Very poetic.

[Cameron van der Sloot · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to read an early version of this a long while ago, and I truly have thought of it since. Heartwarming and relatable story for young queer people, I read it in one sitting. Made me feel like a teen again, somehow in the best way. :’) I simply can’t wait to read the final copy.

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was endearing and funny. Just so well written. I loved it!

[Hayden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.
Seeing the story unfold through Connor's eyes and following his journey to acceptance was so perfect. I loved this story. I want a sequel.

[sofía · Rating 4 out of 5]

sometimes you just need a good book about discovering yourself!! this is what teens should be reading close that damn dark romance book!

[Jester · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, man.

This book has been so, so important from the very beginning. It's sweet heartache in book format. It's love, it's patience, it's a tight, grounding hug. It's a voice whispering in your ear that everything is going to be okay, that you deserve to like being you, that there's nothing wrong with you (okay, maybe there are some things wrong with you (CONNOR), but they don't have anything to do with being gay.

Connor is a little shit who's going through every stage of grief and then some as he finally faces himself and his sexuality, coming to terms with it, and what that means going forward. He's every kid who's ever been made to feel ashamed simply for being who they are--ashamed enough that they'll repress it for as long as they physically can and probably some while after. He's every kid who's ever been made to feel afraid of showing their loved ones their true self because they know they might lose everything that makes life feel normal over it. Family. Community. Friends, sometimes, although that's something Connor fortunately doesn't have to deal with. It's horrifying that for so many queer people--queer kids--this imposed choice between honesty and safety is far from fiction, but that makes it a story all the more worth telling.

Let Alex take you by the hand on a road trip through Canada and through yourself, and maybe at some point they'll hit a spot that makes you feel like you've just been punched in the gut and leaves you curled into yourself, hunched over and weeping about fake little gay people at 2:30 AM. And then you keep reading anyway, but also, holy shit dude, what the fuck. My feelings, et caetera.

Do yourself a favour and go on Connor's journey with him. It's so, so worth it.

That being said--Alex, I know where you sleep. Watch your back. Also how dare you. Also, die. Also, kiss me.

[Vendetta Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

it's not often i wish a YA contemporary romance novel be the size of a tome, but this was the one time i really, really did.

Connor Murphy's all about having a plan; the more detailed the better. from laminated seating charts to a packed itinerary with orchestrated Perfect Moments, he intends for this trip to be their last hurrah before they part ways for college, the one thing he dreads the most. adding to Connor's (unofficial) list of "Things I Dread And Never Want To Talk About" are the happenings at one new year's eve party, dubbed The Incident, his mom, and the unexpected addition to their road trip: Aman Khalil, the boy who broke his best friend's heart. knocked into a tailspin, Connor does not anticipate the riot Aman's presence incites between his head and his heart, forcing him to pick a side even if it means having to throw both caution and his plans to wind.

where do i even begin? it has been a joy readng alex's second novel after having followed them on this journey being fed excerpts since 2020, and i wish i could wipe my memory of this novel just so i could read it all over again. and again and again and again. Connor's POV was an absolute ride to read from with all his sass and vulnerable moments; the Core Four was a family of menace and love, and Aman was a lovable, dimpled delight. literally, the man that you are, Aman Khalil!!! also idk what it is about a summer road trip that doubles as a journey of healing and self-discovery, but being surrounded by nature and all that sunshine must qualify as some form of legal medication.

“The sun is shining, Murphy. Sometimes that’s all you need.”

P.S. ☀️💖

[Gordon Ambos]

I truly am in my dnf era rn, but this main character was such an asshole 😭 The writing was pretty good though