Fourteen: Growing Up Alone In A Crowd

by Stephen Zanichkowsky

Born eighth in a family on its way to becoming almost twice that size, Stephen Zanichkowsky immediately learned that his life was to be no Cheaper by the Dozen romp. Instead, he and his siblings fended for themselves to avoid the wrath of their father and the heartbreaking emotional distance of their mother. Silence and terror ruled. A brother was taken away by the family one day, never to return. A sister was born with a mental deficiency that was never explained. As the years went by, each child left home as soon as he or she turned eighteen, creating unaccustomed "space" by skipping the others' weddings and graduations. With artless narrative style, Zanichkowsky embarks on a journey back to the family's Lithuanian Catholic roots in Brooklyn and follows its members on a tortured climb to suburban comfort that, for him, culminates in his escape from home and the draft. Along the way, he seeks answers to lifelong questions: Why was his father so angry and uncontrollable? Why did his parents continue to have children when they didn't have enough love, patience, or money to spread around? Forty years later after leaving home, Zanichkowsky reaches out to his siblings--most of them divorced or living alone--and discovers a group of people still learning how to form relationships with others. In the process, the boy that once retreated into his own world emerges, whole and self-possessed.From Fourteen:I was born into a system with an established order, with people cemented into positions long before I got there. As I got older, the biggest kids gradually filled me in with things I needed to know, as if I were a new hand at the factory and needed to learn which drawers certain tools were kept in. They showed me where the shoe polish was kept; how to fry an egg (because on Sundays we could have our egg fried or scrambled if we didn't want clucked); where to put my laundry in the basement. I learned about Mom's miscarriages, because all the rest of us resemble a line of ducks and outsiders sometimes asked about the three-year gap between Rita and Jane. The bigger kids told me about our religion, our relatives, our nationality. When bath night was and how often to change my underwear. (No one, however, had an answer as to why all the girls had the same middle name: Marie.)

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

288 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2002

Reviews

[Walt Trachim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know the two youngest members of this family and have for nearly forty years. In spite of that, I knew nothing about this story as it was written. Reading this book was a wrenching experience, and I can only imagine how life must have been within their home.

Considering some of the things that my friends said about their parents, I have to believe them now. Back then I was skeptical; after all, how does anyone treat their kids the way their brother describes? That said, I was mistaken, mainly because I chose not to believe what I was told. I had to read about it years later.

Technically, the writing is excellent. As for the content, it is dark. In my own experience with the family, including their parents, Marty and Johanna (who, for some reason inexplicable to me, apparently liked me. To this day I don't know why), I didn't see any of this. But I wasn't around any of the older children of this family, so I can't really make any judgments about them.

I would certainly recommend this book. In spite of its being published over 13 years ago, it still serves as both a sad example of how things were as well as a warning of what could happen.

[Clint · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memoir of eighth of 14 children tells his story of trying to find meaning in life after what he felt was a loveless childhood, two stern Catholic parents and an inability to connect. The scenes he paints of the daily life and disciplining of the 14 are the strongest and most visual in the book. Even as the book concludes, though, now 20 years ago, he seems angry, confused and still searching, though his parents, his tormentors, are now dead. In the epilogue, however, he writes of a 1998 train trip many of the siblings took to one of the sibling's second wedding, and of the promise there seemed to be of more engagement among the 14 now that their parents weren't around to control and judge their every move.

[Kristie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting account of a family with 14 children. How I wish it was a happy tale, one of togetherness and love, but it was quite the opposite for the most part.

I finished the book with a feeling of regret that the author and his siblings didn't get the love they needed or deserved. And I realized how lucky I am.

[Marie Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really a 3.5. What a sad book.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be very interesting in light of our society's recent fascination with large families. Zanichowsky's story puts large families into a very real perspective. The friction in the household is palpable as children and it clearly followed them into adulthood. I enjoyed his writing style and the fact that he is a pseudo-local writer (Southern Maine) seemed to enhance the connection as I read.

[Robbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous account of a middle child growing up in a very large Catholic family in the 1950s-60s. This is the era where most women didn't work and husbands often refused to bring in extra help. His mother was completely overwhelmed and required the oldest children to be little more than indentured servants to keep the "machine" of the family running. An intimate portrait into an often abusive, sad, and chaotic environment.

[Isabella · Rating 3 out of 5]

A challenging memoir to read about someone so lost within their own family unit. To me, family has shaped who I am, where I am most comfortable and feel unconditionally loved. This memoir tells a story of struggle, competition, and not really fitting in, and how family can make or break us.

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[Fzap9 · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you grew up in a large family, you will find a lot of correlation in Stephen and his family. The family unit and so much unspoken words that can leave one's soul and relationship to other vacant and stronger with others.

[Cheryl Schibley · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've ever wanted to know what it like growing up in a family so large that people don't know each other - then read this book. It's an amazing story.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I originally read the author's article when it first appeared in the Atlantic magazine, and I sought it out again while reading about the Natalist movement that has been getting attention recently. After reading the book it seems that Stephen's parents made no connection between conceiving children and making a practice of good parenting. His mother offered no apology for the many beatings she and the father dealt the children, all the while insisting on their devotion to God. A dark tale indeed.

[Kate Michie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Effing depressing.

[Jj · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the author to be very whiny and self-centered, and the story meandered on and on with few conclusions or insight.
The constant negativity was depressing (and altogether too conceited), and I found myself continuing to read just to get it over with.

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

Memoir about #8 of 14 kids in an abusive Catholic family. The story here is interesting but not all that well written. Straightforward and honest- almost disturbingly. (Masturbating to thoughts of sisters?) Enough closure to end the book but not to satisfy.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

quite interesting, although I wish Stephen had presented more of his siblings' feelings. It's an interesting explanation of himself, though.

[Dree · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, but it kind of petered out rather than ended.

[Carol · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok. Not great. A lot of words, not a lot of story.

[Tori]

2010- This was a rather depressing book of a large family's trials and troubles. Much of the writing seemed like the author trying to heal by discussing his issues with his father.

[Cora · Rating 3 out of 5]

A well-written memoir. Tough to read about the childhood he experienced, which he describes and reflects on in an authentic way.

[Cathy]

The early and late chapters had promise, but there was a lot of rambling to much of the book.

[Patrick · Rating 3 out of 5]

insightful but depressing