So, What's Your Proposal?: Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds!

by Bill Eddy

Complain! Complain! Complain! Have you ever dealt with high-conflict people who blame you or others for one problem after another without taking any responsibility themselves? Don’t you feel like wringing their necks? Instead, consider the simple method taught in this book for getting them out of the past and away from blaming everyone else. Get them to quickly focus on the future, take responsibility and contribute to finding solutions to problems – including those they created themselves or any problem. When people complain and blame you, you don’t need to defend yourself or get angry back. Just calmly say: “So, what’s your proposal?” and focus on teaching the simple 3-step method explained in this book. This method will help you stay calm and confident, while earning the respect of those around you – even those who want to blame you! And blame is abundant these days! Every day dozens, if not hundreds, of people confront us at work, at the store, in our communities and online. Nerves get on edge. More and more people get stuck blaming others for anything that goes wrong. With high-conflict people increasing in society, with the 24-hour news cycle, and with Twitter, Facebook and the Internet, we hear constantly about the worst behavior of other people and dozens of terrible problems. The strong temptation is to react and blame others back. However, this just feeds the problem. This book shifts the conversation from the past and blame, to the future and problem-solving. The book teaches a simple method which can be used by almost anyone. It will help the reader stay calm and confident, while also keeping the focus on solving problems, rather than blaming people. But it takes practice, which is why this book gives so many examples. The reader will earn the respect of those around him or her. We have seen it happen over and over again – many times in just 30 seconds. Another helpful tool to communicate effectively with high-conflict people is BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Hostile Email, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns, also by Bill Eddy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Business

150 pages, Paperback

First published September 2, 2014

About the author

Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.

As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns

He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”

Reviews

[Justin HC · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting premise for negotiations. Kind of specific to just high conflict personalities and one approach to conflict resolution. I liked the simplicity of the approach. Also this book was a good reminder that as a mediator, you can’t choose what the parties are like - you take who they are, good, bad, ugly, and personality disorders!

[Read with Demi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A helpful resource for working with high conflict people.

[Andrew McJorrow · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author, Bill Eddy, is a therapist, mediator, and lawyer. This is the first Bill Eddy book I have read. In, “So, What’s Your Proposal?”, Bill discusses how to use proposals to deal more successfully with high conflict people, HCPs being people who have a pre-occupation with blaming, demonstrate all or nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and who display extreme behaviours to get what they want.

The premise of the book is that by carefully asking an HCP for a proposal, the HCP is being nudged away from their fight, flight or freeze response (Limbic System) toward the prefrontal cortex and hopefully problem-solving. Bill gives lots of advice on keeping the conversation on track and useful, and discusses numerous examples across multiple settings.

“So, What’s Your Proposal?” is a brief, easy, and helpful read (I read it in a day). For me, this book is somewhere between a 3 and a 4 rating and I will read more books by Bill Eddy.

[Paul Bard · Rating 2 out of 5]

Single idea book:

In conflict ask, question and agree or disagree with proposals. Also, apply this to yourself.

Extensive treatment of trait neuroticism.

[Charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

I purchased this book when I attended the Heartland Mediators conference which featured Bill Eddy in a two day training. This is my second book, plus numerous articles I've read by Bill Eddy, and I am impressed with his work. The strategy named in the title and expanded upon in this book has worked well for me in mediation sessions. He also has chapters on dealing with situations at work, in schools, in families, and in communities that help people move from being angry and blaming others to realistically looking at options and solving problems.

P.S. Bill Eddy and his associates now do workshops around the world, but I think it is interesting that early in his career life he was a Kindergarten teacher, and he made fun references to what he learned there off and on during his presentation!

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably one of the most useful books on negotiation and conflict resolution that I've ever read. Fantastic all around.