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Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent, and Control
An overwhelmed Mom reveals the intersection between misogyny and American motherhood and tracks a path toward a more caring future.
Touched Out is a blend of memoir and cultural criticism that explores how the author's experiences with ambiguous forms of sexual assault come to resurface in early motherhood.
American women are encouraged to view marriage and motherhood as the pinnacle of success. Although Amanda Montei understood motherhood wouldn't lead automatically to fulfillment, even she found the narrative hard to resist. After giving birth--and even during pregnancy--Amanda struggled to adjust to the new demands on her physical body.
Structural conditions--the lack of paid leave, the childcare crisis, mothers as America's only social safety net--were depriving Amanda of her bodily autonomy, but without another outlet for rebellion, she found agency by rejecting intimacy with her children and husband. Amanda struggled with the physicality of caring for children, but even more with her growing awareness that the lack of bodily autonomy she felt in motherhood reiterated a feeling she had always had about her body; she had been taught to use it to please others, especially men, without necessarily considering whether she wanted to.
Amanda was not alone--she found a huge assortment of women online who described feeling "touched out" too. Women are supposed to care for and pleasure their husbands and children, and to do so by pushing their bodies to the limit, ignoring their own desires and needs. Motherhood, too, can feel like an assault. And just as we naturalize sexual violence against women, we have also come to normalize the suffering of mothers.
The author writes with a blend of emotion drawn from personal experience and power drawn from her academic background and a lifetime of engaging with feminist thinkers and writers from Chanel Miller and Kate Manne to bell hooks, Audre Lorde, Silvia Federici and Adrienne Rich. She draws a unique connection between rape culture and the bodily sacrifices women are expected to make for their children, making a powerful argument from a thoughtful and considered perspective.
Ultimately, Touched Out prescribes a path forward for caregivers to take back their bodies, pass on a language of consent, and write a new story about what it means to care in America.
Touched Out is a blend of memoir and cultural criticism that explores how the author's experiences with ambiguous forms of sexual assault come to resurface in early motherhood.
American women are encouraged to view marriage and motherhood as the pinnacle of success. Although Amanda Montei understood motherhood wouldn't lead automatically to fulfillment, even she found the narrative hard to resist. After giving birth--and even during pregnancy--Amanda struggled to adjust to the new demands on her physical body.
Structural conditions--the lack of paid leave, the childcare crisis, mothers as America's only social safety net--were depriving Amanda of her bodily autonomy, but without another outlet for rebellion, she found agency by rejecting intimacy with her children and husband. Amanda struggled with the physicality of caring for children, but even more with her growing awareness that the lack of bodily autonomy she felt in motherhood reiterated a feeling she had always had about her body; she had been taught to use it to please others, especially men, without necessarily considering whether she wanted to.
Amanda was not alone--she found a huge assortment of women online who described feeling "touched out" too. Women are supposed to care for and pleasure their husbands and children, and to do so by pushing their bodies to the limit, ignoring their own desires and needs. Motherhood, too, can feel like an assault. And just as we naturalize sexual violence against women, we have also come to normalize the suffering of mothers.
The author writes with a blend of emotion drawn from personal experience and power drawn from her academic background and a lifetime of engaging with feminist thinkers and writers from Chanel Miller and Kate Manne to bell hooks, Audre Lorde, Silvia Federici and Adrienne Rich. She draws a unique connection between rape culture and the bodily sacrifices women are expected to make for their children, making a powerful argument from a thoughtful and considered perspective.
Ultimately, Touched Out prescribes a path forward for caregivers to take back their bodies, pass on a language of consent, and write a new story about what it means to care in America.
256 pages, Paperback
First published September 26, 2023
87 people are currently reading
4618 people want to read
About the author
Amanda Montei
4 books31 followersAmanda Montei holds a PhD in English literature from SUNY at Buffalo and an MFA in Writing from California Institute of the Arts. She is the author of Touched Out (Beacon Press), Two Memoirs (Jaded Ibis), and the chapbook The Failure Age (Bloof Books). She has written essays and criticism for Slate, Mother Tongue, Vox, HuffPost, Electric Literature, Believer, Rumpus, Ms. Magazine, American Book Review, and others. She lives in California.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
September 21, 2023
I call this a "necessary read". Not easy and not enjoyable but that wasn't the point. I, too, am touched out. Motherhood has sucked the lifeforce out of me but I love that someone has validated it for me. I am doing my bestest (!) to raise a daughter that knows about consent and can maybe better the world knowing about women's issues. Knowledge is power. Bottom line, should she choose to have children, I do not want her to lose herself in that decision. Fight the good fight.
Thanks to Beacon for the privilege of reading this book. Cheers!
Thanks to Beacon for the privilege of reading this book. Cheers!
October 30, 2023
"I have to maintain in my mind the idea that no matter what happens, my daughter, like me, will survive, she will not be shattered, she will not be torn apart. To provide that path, though, I have had to relive painful truths about myself, my childhood, and the trauma that was passed down my family line. 'Being female in this world is having been robbed of the potential for human choice by men who love to hate us,' Dworkin writes in Intercourse. I believe this to be true, however painful it is to admit. But one can't parent from such a perspective. We have to imagine something more." -Amanda Montei
September 28, 2023
This is such an incredible book! The author was able to put into words so many things that I have deeply felt but never been able to articulate or fully realize. She is also just such an amazing writer and storyteller, I couldn’t put this book down. Definitely an essential read.
did-not-finish
January 1, 2024Is it bad that I am sick and tired of mom rage books?
March 24, 2025
excellent collection of thoughts, research, experiences and critical analysis of motherhood and misogyny in the united states in the past 10-15 years. a deep dive into de-gendering care work, i’m just really impressed about the work and honesty that went into it. been a minute since i’ve read a book with such a long list of citations that i’m interested in checking out.
August 11, 2024
A wonderful book about the exploitation and the survival of motherhood. It was really eye opening the many ways both big and small that women's bodies, beings, and even the concepts of femininity are primed for caretaking, for removing from the self and given all unto the "other". The child, the husband, the part, the community, everything needs a woman before she has a chance to need herself.
A good reminder to not force the burden of caregiving onto women, the emotional labor, the historical precedent that this is all they could be. I will never be a mother, but if I ever go down the path of having children this book will be in my mind as I reckon with my own role in childcare, in teaching, and above all in supporting the mother as she grapples with a society built around breaking down, isolation, and empty painful achievement.
A good reminder to not force the burden of caregiving onto women, the emotional labor, the historical precedent that this is all they could be. I will never be a mother, but if I ever go down the path of having children this book will be in my mind as I reckon with my own role in childcare, in teaching, and above all in supporting the mother as she grapples with a society built around breaking down, isolation, and empty painful achievement.
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March 26, 2024This was very good and also very hard to read in many parts. I loved the deep exploration around women not knowing what they want or being expected to at all times.
“Though women’s anger remains culturally taboo, for men, losing your shit is just part of the job.”
“…but I was still finding my footing in the story I wanted to tell. Perhaps I always will be.”
“Though women’s anger remains culturally taboo, for men, losing your shit is just part of the job.”
“…but I was still finding my footing in the story I wanted to tell. Perhaps I always will be.”
March 15, 2025
I think I learned about TOUCHED OUT from a Goodreads Giveaway that I lost (truly, there is no way to actually win those things—at least not the Giveaways for physical books). I do consider myself a feminist and, just as I’ve become more conscious about the bone-deep way racism affects nearly everything in our society, I’ve also wanted to confront the bone-deep way that misogyny affects nearly everything in our society. That desire was really spurred by reading MACHIAVELLI FOR WOMEN and then, later, MISOGYNATION by Laura Bates. I had the sense that Amanda Montei’s book was in the same vein and I was eager to get more perspective on sexism’s insidious effects. Because I was interested in the book but wasn’t sure how quickly I would choose it to read from the page, I decided to select TOUCHED OUT for my latest audiobook.
In short, I think that was a mistake. I’ve mentioned it several times before, but because of the way that I listen to audiobooks—in relatively short bursts, driving the 15 to 20 minutes to work after dropping my son off at daycare or when running an errand—I am not typically able to stop and take down quotes. In a nonfiction book, I think it’s especially important for me to be able to keep track of shocking facts or figures, or specific statements of argument, both for use in my ultimate review and to give me a better chance to appreciate them. When listening on the road, because I can’t write them down, the information being delivered unfortunately doesn’t make a lasting impact. It’s also just easy when listening while driving to zone out at times focusing on the road. I think nonfiction is different from a fiction book, though, because even if I’m not taking down quotes, I can generally piece together what the plot is and that might help spur some memories of specific scenes if not precise quotes.
All of this is preamble to introduce the problem I have while writing this review, which is: I don’t really remember anything that happened in the book. I mean, I remember generally the more memoir-ish parts of the book about Montei’s husband and child(ren). I remember some of the broad topics covered. But a lot of the argument she makes, while I believe it was occasionally very compelling and biting, because I didn’t take down Ns ’n Qs (notes ’n quotes) in the moment I am unable to recall precisely. Although, with that said, I also do believe a secondary reason I’m struggling to remember much from the book is because it is poorly organized. It called to mind BITING THE HAND: GROWING UP ASIAN IN BLACK AND WHITE AMERICA in that regard, which I said in my review was “kind of all over the place but at the same time treads the same general topic again and again”. I was more forgiving of the disorganization in that book because I felt that it reflected author Julia Lee’s conflicted feelings about her racial identity. In this case, the disorganization doesn’t feel so thematically justifiable.
Montei actually does separate her book into chapters or sections titled with a theme—“Beginning”, “Pain”, “Pleasure”, “Work”, “Body”, “Refusal”, etc.—but in practice, I believe, she bounces around from idea to idea and also tells the memoir portion of her story in a nonchronological fashion. Because of this, it was often hard to determine how much of the book I had actually read. While I didn’t have difficulty knowing how much of the audiobook had played, I lost the sense of where in the book I was. There were times I thought the book was wrapping up, but I then realized there were still hours left. I began to question whether to just give up on the audiobook, but I pressed on because I doubted how likely I was to return to it in a different format.
Again, I just want to stress that there are likely nuggets of information or argument about the role misogyny plays in the expectations we place on mothers and in heterosexual relationships more generally which are worth sharing here. The big one that I recall is a discussion about the fact that domestic labor is labor, but labor which capitalism exploits unpaid to propagate itself. A similar discussion occurred in MISOGYNATION and it’s definitely an important topic to address. The artificial gender roles so entrenched in our society need to be confronted and disrupted, as does the way activities related to “feminine” gender roles are so wildly undervalued. Admittedly, I feel a bit resistant to this discussion because I have high levels of guilt related to the way domestic labor in my heterosexual relationship is divided. But the underlying point Montei makes about the way women are devalued and dehumanized is worth consideration.
I did feel that the author at times takes incidents from her own relationship with her husband, which seems rather dysfunctional, and extrapolates this into a broad statement about relations between men and women as a whole. Maybe it’s just the nature of the topic she’s writing about that leads her to include the most contentious moments of her marriage, but I expected her to divorce her husband before the book’s end; instead, they went and had a second child. She also talks a lot about her youth in which she was very sexually open and the men and boys who wanted little more than sexual gratification from her. Once again, I couldn’t help feeling that in some respect her negative experiences were a result of the company she kept. Not that this excuses the behavior of those men, but it felt a little like she was seeking out “the bad boy” and then being surprised that he was bad and turning that into a commentary on male sexuality as a whole.
I’m disappointed I don’t have a lot more to say. My overall impression of the book is that ultimately it is worthwhile – it does touch (no pun intended) on some valid issues that deserve discussion. But between what I saw as a lack of narrative structure, skepticism about how universal some of the author’s criticisms actually are, and my inability to keep track of her arguments thanks to the way I listened to the book, I also felt I was not as engaged with it as I would like to have been.
In short, I think that was a mistake. I’ve mentioned it several times before, but because of the way that I listen to audiobooks—in relatively short bursts, driving the 15 to 20 minutes to work after dropping my son off at daycare or when running an errand—I am not typically able to stop and take down quotes. In a nonfiction book, I think it’s especially important for me to be able to keep track of shocking facts or figures, or specific statements of argument, both for use in my ultimate review and to give me a better chance to appreciate them. When listening on the road, because I can’t write them down, the information being delivered unfortunately doesn’t make a lasting impact. It’s also just easy when listening while driving to zone out at times focusing on the road. I think nonfiction is different from a fiction book, though, because even if I’m not taking down quotes, I can generally piece together what the plot is and that might help spur some memories of specific scenes if not precise quotes.
All of this is preamble to introduce the problem I have while writing this review, which is: I don’t really remember anything that happened in the book. I mean, I remember generally the more memoir-ish parts of the book about Montei’s husband and child(ren). I remember some of the broad topics covered. But a lot of the argument she makes, while I believe it was occasionally very compelling and biting, because I didn’t take down Ns ’n Qs (notes ’n quotes) in the moment I am unable to recall precisely. Although, with that said, I also do believe a secondary reason I’m struggling to remember much from the book is because it is poorly organized. It called to mind BITING THE HAND: GROWING UP ASIAN IN BLACK AND WHITE AMERICA in that regard, which I said in my review was “kind of all over the place but at the same time treads the same general topic again and again”. I was more forgiving of the disorganization in that book because I felt that it reflected author Julia Lee’s conflicted feelings about her racial identity. In this case, the disorganization doesn’t feel so thematically justifiable.
Montei actually does separate her book into chapters or sections titled with a theme—“Beginning”, “Pain”, “Pleasure”, “Work”, “Body”, “Refusal”, etc.—but in practice, I believe, she bounces around from idea to idea and also tells the memoir portion of her story in a nonchronological fashion. Because of this, it was often hard to determine how much of the book I had actually read. While I didn’t have difficulty knowing how much of the audiobook had played, I lost the sense of where in the book I was. There were times I thought the book was wrapping up, but I then realized there were still hours left. I began to question whether to just give up on the audiobook, but I pressed on because I doubted how likely I was to return to it in a different format.
Again, I just want to stress that there are likely nuggets of information or argument about the role misogyny plays in the expectations we place on mothers and in heterosexual relationships more generally which are worth sharing here. The big one that I recall is a discussion about the fact that domestic labor is labor, but labor which capitalism exploits unpaid to propagate itself. A similar discussion occurred in MISOGYNATION and it’s definitely an important topic to address. The artificial gender roles so entrenched in our society need to be confronted and disrupted, as does the way activities related to “feminine” gender roles are so wildly undervalued. Admittedly, I feel a bit resistant to this discussion because I have high levels of guilt related to the way domestic labor in my heterosexual relationship is divided. But the underlying point Montei makes about the way women are devalued and dehumanized is worth consideration.
I did feel that the author at times takes incidents from her own relationship with her husband, which seems rather dysfunctional, and extrapolates this into a broad statement about relations between men and women as a whole. Maybe it’s just the nature of the topic she’s writing about that leads her to include the most contentious moments of her marriage, but I expected her to divorce her husband before the book’s end; instead, they went and had a second child. She also talks a lot about her youth in which she was very sexually open and the men and boys who wanted little more than sexual gratification from her. Once again, I couldn’t help feeling that in some respect her negative experiences were a result of the company she kept. Not that this excuses the behavior of those men, but it felt a little like she was seeking out “the bad boy” and then being surprised that he was bad and turning that into a commentary on male sexuality as a whole.
I’m disappointed I don’t have a lot more to say. My overall impression of the book is that ultimately it is worthwhile – it does touch (no pun intended) on some valid issues that deserve discussion. But between what I saw as a lack of narrative structure, skepticism about how universal some of the author’s criticisms actually are, and my inability to keep track of her arguments thanks to the way I listened to the book, I also felt I was not as engaged with it as I would like to have been.
December 13, 2024
Montei, perhaps because of her background in literature studies, is an excellent writer who weaves together personal experiences and theoretical/academic literature to explain those contradictory and difficult experiences of parent/womanhood.
November 23, 2024
I didn’t know how badly I needed to read this book. Motherhood terrifies and fascinates me, and now I have even more to mull over. Exploring the relationship between bodily autonomy, sexual assault, and motherhood is fertile ground for insight and grief. Can’t wait to talk to Clare about this.
“Rather than simply run us ragged, the work of parenting and all the memories it can arouse, this very basic, foundational feeling of needing space, can lead us to reclaim boundaries and even bodies on our own terms, maybe even for the first time in our lives.”
“Rather than simply run us ragged, the work of parenting and all the memories it can arouse, this very basic, foundational feeling of needing space, can lead us to reclaim boundaries and even bodies on our own terms, maybe even for the first time in our lives.”
February 23, 2024
It’s as if Amanda lived my experiences and in my head and put it on paper. I cannot recommend this book enough to EVERYONE - to truly understand what it’s like to be an identifying female and the pressures.
June 3, 2024
I can’t recommend this book enough. I felt so very seen in my place of overwhelm and rage and tender care.
November 7, 2024
One of my fave reflections on motherhood to date. But don't recommend reading until you're in a great state of mind lol. (I was up worrying after trynna read the first few chapters bc the stress and claustrophobia of her early motherhood experience felt so real. Had to repeatedly remind myself I am not in America or precariously employed to calm down but wow. Lack of systemic anything really do suck out there.)
Anyway!! All the links between consent and motherhood felt really revelatory and by the end of the book I felt like I'd learned some important lessons and new things to consider!
Anyway!! All the links between consent and motherhood felt really revelatory and by the end of the book I felt like I'd learned some important lessons and new things to consider!
February 12, 2025
3.5 - I can't find the right words to describe how I feel about this book. I didn't enjoy myself, I wouldn't say I'm happy I read this but it has given me a lot to think about.
May 28, 2024
motherhood is labor women are constantly exploited marriage is just a means to exploit further what do i do
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October 30, 2023This had many of the same themes as Normal Women, the last book I read, but this was nonfiction. Very well-written. I appreciated the author including autobiographical sections among the nonfiction writing. She was brave and honest about subjects that people tend to avoid. I do wish that she had included more of what had happened in her life once she started writing again and what became of her relationship to her husband. Much of that autobiographical thread kind of stopped suddenly, perhaps it is still being written. I had read it thinking that the Bachelor essay would have discussed issues of consent about the people on the show and I was surprised to read it was about the author’s viewership of the show as a fantasy/aspiration towards relationships and marriage. Would have liked one more chapter about where she is now in her life. Love Federici and Dworkin so enjoyed the quotes. :)
February 20, 2024
After a whole heart-wrenching book describing the author’s experiences as a teenager, adult, and first couple years as a mother, it ends basically like “then I went back to work and everything got better!” Or maybe it just… ended, and that’s my impression? As a mom who is already in the “back to work” stage and things are still fucked up, I was hoping for more at this life stage.
But as others have said, OOF. This book is heavy. It ties together a few threads of SA, misogyny, history, and capitalism related to being a mom. The picture does not look good. That may be another reason the ending felt abrupt to me. Spoiler: there’s no resolution.
Now for the personal narrative critique: I want to criticize how she didn’t try hard enough to enjoy being a stay at home mom (like I get that it wasn’t ideal, but some people would love to not work…). At other challenging times, she didn’t seem to consider other perspectives, the easiest example being drinking a lot won’t help you feel your best, maybe try a hobby? Did you have friends you leaned on? And I get that if people are struggling it’s not the time to pull the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” card but like if you’re having a hard time as a parent in America due to factors 1-100 so lovingly researched and described here, don’t add 10 more? I guess I just want to feel like there’s hope for myself too, without waiting on a giant societal problem to get fixed.
But as others have said, OOF. This book is heavy. It ties together a few threads of SA, misogyny, history, and capitalism related to being a mom. The picture does not look good. That may be another reason the ending felt abrupt to me. Spoiler: there’s no resolution.
Now for the personal narrative critique: I want to criticize how she didn’t try hard enough to enjoy being a stay at home mom (like I get that it wasn’t ideal, but some people would love to not work…). At other challenging times, she didn’t seem to consider other perspectives, the easiest example being drinking a lot won’t help you feel your best, maybe try a hobby? Did you have friends you leaned on? And I get that if people are struggling it’s not the time to pull the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” card but like if you’re having a hard time as a parent in America due to factors 1-100 so lovingly researched and described here, don’t add 10 more? I guess I just want to feel like there’s hope for myself too, without waiting on a giant societal problem to get fixed.
September 15, 2023
I have been looking forward to reading this book. I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect but the title?! Yup, that is me 100000% (I know, I know, that’s not good math, ha). As a mother of 5, I am touched out, and have been for years. I have lost myself to motherhood. Everything Amanda talks about is so true to life as a caregiver, mother, to my children. It’s good to hear it validated. It’s hard to know this is so many’s reality as well. I can’t do a whole lot to change my life, but I am raising my kids to know about consent, and that they can be anyone. Even if female. I have hope this next generation can create good changes for motherhood, unpaid labour, and better division of unpaid labour. I struggle to see how that can be. But the fact that it is spoken about more and more is a glimmer of hope.
The expectations on mothers is unrealistic, unfair, and wrong. We are nearly dying in sacrifice to raising the next generation. That’s just not OK. I having time and ability to actually enjoy one’s own life outside of their children.
The expectations on mothers is unrealistic, unfair, and wrong. We are nearly dying in sacrifice to raising the next generation. That’s just not OK. I having time and ability to actually enjoy one’s own life outside of their children.
January 28, 2024
I liked broad swaths of this but was side eyeing the multiple Andrea Dworkin references.
June 3, 2025
4.25 - I've enjoyed following Montei's Substack for awhile now - she's one of those rare writers who's got a commanding way with words that compels me to eat up and carefully consider everything she's saying.
In this book she pretty vulnerably recounts her experience of motherhood - not shying at all away from the “ugly” parts, the thoughts that many mothers probably have but don't necessarily feel the freedom to express - and unpacks it in the broader context of patriarchal society and gendered socialization. Touches on the loss of autonomy, how consent figures in to the equation, the perpetual problem of division of care work within the home, the latent misogyny that runs through so much of everything, etc. It's a compelling (if draining) and worthwhile read, and portrays a perspective that more people (namely, men) would do well to better understand.
"Over time, I became conscious that my body did not belong only to me. It was a tapestry to be admired or reviled, a tool to be used, a voice to be silenced, a vessel for reproduction, and a product to be primed for consumption."
"...one woman describes how motherhood changed her from “a hugger” who loved physical touch to someone who has not felt self-ownership over her body for six years. “All day my body belongs to another human being, and at the end of the day I am done being touched,” she says."
"For many women, the pressure to breastfeed becomes the first deep denial of their bodies’ needs and desires in motherhood. Clinical and colloquial conversations around breastfeeding rarely emphasize consent or autonomy, or consider a parent’s prior relationship with their body, assailing them instead with injunctions to just relax. Not to mention the absence of attention given to just how much time and effort breastfeeding takes.”
"...we often griped about how the parents we knew complained about caring for children. We swore to never treat our children this way—like they were such a problem. Once I became a parent myself, though, I saw these complaints as part of a hidden labor struggle—as complaints not about children, but about the daily grind of American parenthood, which is not an inevitable part of raising children and has nothing to do with the love we have for our children. American parenting in particular has been set up to manipulate and abuse women’s bodies and psyches, to put them to work for free and call it love, then to gaslight them into thinking they have done something wrong that led them there. But women’s powerlessness has always been the point."
"...not surprisingly, my disdain for the intentional economic disempowerment of women and caregivers would grow as well, a special rage I would mostly fire at my husband, who had much to learn, but whom I also turned repeatedly into a straw man for all the maleness in the world. I would recoil from his touch again, my skin stunned not just by the physical contact two children would require but by every sense memory of how my body had been used by men previously."
"Motherhood too was filled with an unbearable sense of calculation—of waiting, of pushing my body to the brink of what it could take, of counting down the minutes, of doing what I did not want to do, trying to get to the end of the day, just to do it all over again. It all stirred memories of sidelining my own desires, and of waiting for others to finish taking what they wanted from me. The first year we spent in California I gave my body over at the daycare, and when I went home, sitting to nurse or play or talk with Hannah, I let her too have her way with me, wondering whether life, for some women, was just a series of moments in which we grit our teeth and watch the clock."
(It's not *all* negative, despite the quotes I chose to share. 😅)
In this book she pretty vulnerably recounts her experience of motherhood - not shying at all away from the “ugly” parts, the thoughts that many mothers probably have but don't necessarily feel the freedom to express - and unpacks it in the broader context of patriarchal society and gendered socialization. Touches on the loss of autonomy, how consent figures in to the equation, the perpetual problem of division of care work within the home, the latent misogyny that runs through so much of everything, etc. It's a compelling (if draining) and worthwhile read, and portrays a perspective that more people (namely, men) would do well to better understand.
"Over time, I became conscious that my body did not belong only to me. It was a tapestry to be admired or reviled, a tool to be used, a voice to be silenced, a vessel for reproduction, and a product to be primed for consumption."
"...one woman describes how motherhood changed her from “a hugger” who loved physical touch to someone who has not felt self-ownership over her body for six years. “All day my body belongs to another human being, and at the end of the day I am done being touched,” she says."
"For many women, the pressure to breastfeed becomes the first deep denial of their bodies’ needs and desires in motherhood. Clinical and colloquial conversations around breastfeeding rarely emphasize consent or autonomy, or consider a parent’s prior relationship with their body, assailing them instead with injunctions to just relax. Not to mention the absence of attention given to just how much time and effort breastfeeding takes.”
"...we often griped about how the parents we knew complained about caring for children. We swore to never treat our children this way—like they were such a problem. Once I became a parent myself, though, I saw these complaints as part of a hidden labor struggle—as complaints not about children, but about the daily grind of American parenthood, which is not an inevitable part of raising children and has nothing to do with the love we have for our children. American parenting in particular has been set up to manipulate and abuse women’s bodies and psyches, to put them to work for free and call it love, then to gaslight them into thinking they have done something wrong that led them there. But women’s powerlessness has always been the point."
"...not surprisingly, my disdain for the intentional economic disempowerment of women and caregivers would grow as well, a special rage I would mostly fire at my husband, who had much to learn, but whom I also turned repeatedly into a straw man for all the maleness in the world. I would recoil from his touch again, my skin stunned not just by the physical contact two children would require but by every sense memory of how my body had been used by men previously."
"Motherhood too was filled with an unbearable sense of calculation—of waiting, of pushing my body to the brink of what it could take, of counting down the minutes, of doing what I did not want to do, trying to get to the end of the day, just to do it all over again. It all stirred memories of sidelining my own desires, and of waiting for others to finish taking what they wanted from me. The first year we spent in California I gave my body over at the daycare, and when I went home, sitting to nurse or play or talk with Hannah, I let her too have her way with me, wondering whether life, for some women, was just a series of moments in which we grit our teeth and watch the clock."
(It's not *all* negative, despite the quotes I chose to share. 😅)
January 17, 2026
I really, really enjoyed this. I first put it on my to-read list as I presumed at some point in my young child's life I would begin to feel "touched out", that moment hasn't really come for me (yet), which I'm quite surprised by as I'm generally not a touchy-feely person, but this book highlights the potential reasons why it hasn't hit me. Our experiences of motherhood are so hugely impacted not just by the biological facts of the case, but by societies, cultures, economics and the support (both practical and emotional) support we have around us.
It's such a compulsive read, it's smart and insightful (plus very well referenced) but also very personal to the author and often reads a bit like a memoir. Part of me wishes it was more structured, but I think the format actually works well. It's bleak (but with sparks of hope and love), but that's the reality for many gestational and non-gestational mothers in the US. A lot of it can be said the same of in the UK, and although the author's experience doesn't really mirror my own, I still found it very compelling. However, if I had read this before choosing to have a child, I may have reconsidered.
If you are someone who wanted to breastfeed, but wasn't able to for whatever reason, I would maybe approach this with a bit of caution. Or it might make you feel better about it! Who knows. It made me feel a mixture of both.
I'm grateful to the author for being so open, forthright and generous with this book.
It's such a compulsive read, it's smart and insightful (plus very well referenced) but also very personal to the author and often reads a bit like a memoir. Part of me wishes it was more structured, but I think the format actually works well. It's bleak (but with sparks of hope and love), but that's the reality for many gestational and non-gestational mothers in the US. A lot of it can be said the same of in the UK, and although the author's experience doesn't really mirror my own, I still found it very compelling. However, if I had read this before choosing to have a child, I may have reconsidered.
If you are someone who wanted to breastfeed, but wasn't able to for whatever reason, I would maybe approach this with a bit of caution. Or it might make you feel better about it! Who knows. It made me feel a mixture of both.
I'm grateful to the author for being so open, forthright and generous with this book.
January 28, 2024
While people with more power and assets than millennials habitually voice their exhaustion about our complaints regarding the vital resources we lack, the reality of our financial limitations is no less terrifying. As with the people (often men) who roll their eyes at yet another screed about how women are oppressed, don't have enough, and are being crushed under the systems that wants to do little more than wring them out. Mothers, in particular, are given a raw deal (to put it lightly). Throw some vulnerable babies in the mix—the last bastion, it seems, of a group of people others feel free to hate openly—and things get very rough. Montei does a beautiful job of guiding us through her own experiences of womanhood, motherhood, the reckoning she had to do with her sexual experiences and violences as a younger person, while just as expertly walking us through the writings by theorists and authors who attend to the many topics at play here. Whether a parent or not, it feels like required reading—either as a clarion call for parents of younger children (or anyone!), or an alarm for the next generation of parents. In either case, her aim is to point out the grievous flaws in our society regarding motherhood, capitalism, and parenting, and give us goals for a better future.
February 4, 2024
This book felt like it hit in waves, and almost demanded a constant reflection and personal narrative to flow alongside it. There were parts where I felt especially keyed in, or could relate to the autobiographical moments, which led me to question why was this something I particularly relate to? Did I have a similar experience? Do I have similar fears? And then there were parts where I felt like oh that's interesting but not entirely sure if I understand the connection trying to be portrayed. I feel that just the act of reading this book helps to spurn one's reflection of their relationship with body and touch on a personal and structural scale -- making it an important, yet scary book, for many to read, as well as their partner who may not be as familiar or understanding to these nuances.
Minus one start because I feel like she dips out of the autobiographical portion in the end relating to her husband, and I was interested to see how he was brought along, or if he was, to her more radical and externalized thoughts on motherhood. Additionally, as I mentioned above, sometimes I felt like the levels of abstraction and pulled quotes sometimes got away from the point that was trying to be conveyed.
Minus one start because I feel like she dips out of the autobiographical portion in the end relating to her husband, and I was interested to see how he was brought along, or if he was, to her more radical and externalized thoughts on motherhood. Additionally, as I mentioned above, sometimes I felt like the levels of abstraction and pulled quotes sometimes got away from the point that was trying to be conveyed.
March 25, 2024
This is a brilliant little book-- not an easy read by any means, but a necessary one nonetheless. Amanda Montei elucidates the interconnections between rape culture and the "institution of motherhood," putting in stark relief how patriarchy, capitalism, and control mar every aspect of women's lives. Her writing is informed by an all-star cast of feminist thinkers: Silvia Federici, Adrienne Rich, Melissa Febos, Kate Manne, Audre Lorde, and Roxane Gay, among others. Perhaps the most resonant aspect of this book is how she blends this incisive critique with a highly vulnerable personal narrative. Montei is honest and nuanced as she writes about her adolescent experiences with SA, which have sent shockwaves through nearly every aspect of her adult life, making touch feel intolerable even when it comes from her loving husband or young children. Her writing about her two children is beautiful in its tenderness and fierce protectiveness. Montei deserves so much praise for the twofold success she has achieved here: a new and compelling critical framework, and a soft and open work of memoir.
July 23, 2024
4.5 stars:
This book is brave-it's direct and searing, connecting social phenomena I hadn't explicitly connected before. I love that it transcends the typical narrative of motherhood being a choice (albeit a hard one) - instead, Montei explores how motherhood is barely a choice, how seeing it as a singular personal decision that a woman "asks for" is not only unfair and misinformed, but actively harmful. Montei introduces the institution of motherhood, and how it's deeply connected with the idea that women's bodies don't belong to us, which also leads to our rape/assault culture.
I enjoyed the way Montei writes - she includes clever anecdotes that feel realistic because of their specificity but also were great metaphors for the System we live in. However, I felt her endings (of the chapters but also the book) were generally overly sentimental and broke up the flow of her forceful points. I got a little lost in her last chapter, and felt that she could have tightened up her points a bit more. Nevertheless, a really worthwhile read.
This book is brave-it's direct and searing, connecting social phenomena I hadn't explicitly connected before. I love that it transcends the typical narrative of motherhood being a choice (albeit a hard one) - instead, Montei explores how motherhood is barely a choice, how seeing it as a singular personal decision that a woman "asks for" is not only unfair and misinformed, but actively harmful. Montei introduces the institution of motherhood, and how it's deeply connected with the idea that women's bodies don't belong to us, which also leads to our rape/assault culture.
I enjoyed the way Montei writes - she includes clever anecdotes that feel realistic because of their specificity but also were great metaphors for the System we live in. However, I felt her endings (of the chapters but also the book) were generally overly sentimental and broke up the flow of her forceful points. I got a little lost in her last chapter, and felt that she could have tightened up her points a bit more. Nevertheless, a really worthwhile read.
February 21, 2026
Feminine rage was littered all over this book. Especially the beginning. It was intoxicating, affirming, and deeply soothing to feel Amanda’s anger at her very American millennial experience of getting into relationships, looking to afford your academic lifestyle, and choosing motherhood even though it was sold as something it just isn’t. I’ve taken this book with me on sleepovers with a man, I’ve raved about this book to all of my friends, I’ve highlighted dozens on dozens of my favorite quotes, I’ve read excerpts at random to my mother, and a new friend I made. This book needs to be seen by everyone in my opinion. Rage teaches us to prepare and anticipate the need for reform, and this book offers that. Amanda felt like my smart best friend while reading this, and I feel more prepared to love and to lose because of this book. The bibliography is so dense, the index is so dense, just hop into this for an intense reading about information that is crucial for everyone. The exhaustion of every American woman is respected in this book, and that alone is reason to read it.
December 31, 2023
This is a difficult read, but an important one. I find myself regularly just needing physical space from my kids and others. I am not a hugger and I have two kids that want hugs all day! That may not sound too bad, but we unschool and so we are home together all day! This book emphasizes consent in our day-to-day interactions, which is something I emphasize with my kids. Even a simple, “Hug?” before diving into one can give the recipient time to consent. My daughter is very good with making sure she consents to things done to her or that she is doing, I’m glad that she has heard the message! She loves to pick people up and carry them around, she is very strong, but makes sure she has their permission before lifting! I wish I had had that message drilled into me as a child. I freeze if someone comes in for an unwanted hug. Often they laugh at me because, “who doesn’t like hugs?” I just don’t want physical contact, but I am still an outlier on the hug scale.
May 2, 2025
I really can't decide how to rate this book. The author did give a warning in the preface that this book is disturbing and uncomfortable. It is intended to be one of those things that cuts deep and she is correct. What a subject. Motherhood, parenthood, humanhood. Yikes. Everything in this book rubbed me the wrong way and at the same time, I picked it up because "touched out" seems to me to be something deeper than what I read about online. It doesn't quite fit. Montei has strikingly cut the folds back on this grotesque, creepy crawly aspect of parental and in particular maternal existence. There were many parts of this book that I wanted to rail against. Plenty that I disagree with and at the same time, I'm right there with her in this.
January 7, 2024
This book was written by a mother to other mothers, but it’s so much more than that. As someone who’s reading it without children, the topics of consent have made me rethink my early years of sexual liberation and over drinking. I would recommend it to over mothers who are feeling overwhelmed but also women who are still trying to figure out their body, their sexuality & what they desire. It’s a tough read but it’s also a therapeutic read. Especially for those who have troubled relationships with sex. 3.5/5
March 19, 2025
More like a 4.5 star read, because I anticipated a more clinical approach and this was heavier than I expected. However it’s excellent. The way motherhood is spoken of felt so real to my experience and I felt a lot of solidarity whilst reading. Definitely something I recommend to my fellow parents who have struggled and continue to do so post Covid and before. Attempting to juggle all the things and barely keeping a head above water. Take care when you go into reading this from a sexual violence history as well as if you hold a lot of guilt for parenting choices this might be triggering.
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