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How Do I Sexy?: A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers
What even is “sexy,” and how the hell do you do it? A tough question for trans and nonbinary queers struggling to find their sexual selves in a landscape rife with misogynistic, transphobic and homophobic ideals and expectations. In How Do I Sexy?, Mx. Nillin Lore provides affirming and helpful direction based on over a decade of their own personal and professional experience as an educator, advocate, support worker and award-winning sex blogger.
You’re invited to do some deep introspection, find a look that feels right and gain insight on sexiness from fellow trans and nonbinary queers. You’ll also find valuable tips on navigating dating sites, finding community, managing rejection with grace and engaging in sexual relationships. Principled and compassionate, Mx. Lore will help you figure out who you want to be, who you want to be with and how to make it happen—both in the streets and between the sheets.
Shortlisted for 2025 Tom Fairley Award (editor Andrea Zanin)
You’re invited to do some deep introspection, find a look that feels right and gain insight on sexiness from fellow trans and nonbinary queers. You’ll also find valuable tips on navigating dating sites, finding community, managing rejection with grace and engaging in sexual relationships. Principled and compassionate, Mx. Lore will help you figure out who you want to be, who you want to be with and how to make it happen—both in the streets and between the sheets.
Shortlisted for 2025 Tom Fairley Award (editor Andrea Zanin)
264 pages, Paperback
Published August 23, 2024
3 people are currently reading
1497 people want to read
About the author
Nillin Lore
11 books34 followersMx. Nillin Lore is an AuDHD, OSDD, Canadian, queer, polyamorous, demiboy and disabled author of queer and gender diverse self-empowerment books. Their first major release, "How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers," was a 2024 Foreword INDIES Book of the Year Award Gold Winner for LGBTQ+ Adult Nonfiction. Nillin is now hard at work writing "Carry On: Unpacking Your Internalized Transphobic and Queerphobic Baggage" and "Nonmonogamy and Queer Inclusivity," both of which release in early 2026.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
May 19, 2024
How Do I Sexy? is many things. As a Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers, it is a book about both how and why to be sexy, with equal measures of affirmation and advice. It's more than just a h0w-to guide, however, with Nillin Lore weaving biography and philosophy into the 'why' aspects of the book, leading us on a journey with them.
Nillin opens the book by talking about what they call the Ventura Effect, resulting from the transphobia-for-laughs aspect of Ace Ventura, with Jim Carrey and others gagging and vomiting over the shock/surprise reveal of Sean Young as transgender. For me, it was the Drebin Effect, with Leslie Nielsen having the same deplorable reaction to the transgender reveal of Anna Nicole Smith, but in both cases it's representative of how we're indoctrinated from an early age to find transgender people disgusting . . . shameful . . . even frightening. It's a condemnation of transgender individuals that has long permeated so much of pop culture that many people are plagued with assumptions and visceral reactions based on nothing more than comedic fiction. It's no wonder we sometimes struggle to accept ourselves and embrace our sexuality, which is why Nillin so carefully sets about undoing the damage before getting to the sexy.
Chapter 3 talks about self-compassion, shaking off unhelpful advice, and finding out what's behind our anxieties. It's a sort of intellectual deconstruction that allows us to better embrace the mantras of Chapter 4. What struck me most in that chapter is the idea that “It’s OK to change my mind.” As someone who has, over the years, identified as a transgender, genderqueer, nonbinary, and genderfluid . . . straight, bisexual, and pansexual . . . and often just questioning and confused about it all, that's a powerful message.
In Chapter 5, Nillin explores the wonderful variations in the human body, and the multitude of ways in which we are free to form relationships, all outside the bounds of heteronormativity. It's also here where they explore the idea of 'passing' as a privilege, of being forced to shift from one binary to another, with the expectation for a full transition (and the prejudices against not transitioning). It's that pressure to shift within a binary that had me so questioning and confused over the years, and that prejudice against not transitioning that keeps me at arms' length from our local transgender support group. It's hard enough to find yourself when most of society is indoctrinated against you - we really don't need to discriminate within our community,
Chapter 6 is where we really start to get into the idea of feeling sexy, and this was probably one of my favorite parts of the book. There's talk of gender-affirming prosthetics, from dildos to breastforms to binders, and then we get into the wonderful world of lingerie. As someone who has only ever looked at clothing as something that forces me to hide (dressing to cover up) or allows me to express myself (dressing to feel sexy), I'd never considered the inherent discrimination against trans bodies in those very same clothes. Nillin details how lingerie is largely designed for cisgender bodies, with panties that leave no room for a penis or briefs that leave too much room for the lack of a penis. Fortunately, they share some wonderful advice on how to measure yourself, how to accommodate yourself in selecting a size, and even where to shop, and talk about the difference between
That same chapter (and it is a long chapter) goes on to explore the various cultures where sexy clothing is essential to our feeling sexy. There are some lovely groups here to explore and maybe even experiment with, if you've never had the opportunity, but the ones that resonated with me include kittens (one of my fondest memories is being dressed as a kitten and taken on a walk by a trans friend), femboys, twinks, witchy goths, and fetishwear (my fondest memory is being dressed in PVC bondage and tied up in the woods by my Goddess).
Chapter 7 is where we start getting into the idea of being sexy, with a fabulous discussion of the gender-affirming power of makeup (including the sensuality of having it applied by someone else) and tattoos. It's here that Nillin also explores the challenge and the importance of finding safe spaces and inclusive communities. The only part of the book I have any disagreement with is the section here on how preferences are bigoted. I'm a little more forgiving than Nillin here, partially due to my 15 years of reading, reviewing, writing, and editing own-voices erotica. All of that has exposed me to a wide range of identities and sexualities, allowing me to vicariously explore the differences between sexual and romantic attraction, and (more importantly) appreciate the why of attraction. If you're looking for a kinky fling involving queening, your preferences are likely going to include a vagina, and if a facial is what makes you feel sexy, a penis is going to be on the agenda. On the other hand, if you're looking for a relationship, that's where I agree that preferences can do more harm than good, since a lifetime together allows for a lot more learning, experimentation, and adaptation than a one-time fling.
I'll leave you to explore the rest and determine best how Nillin's advice and experiences suit you, but How Do I Sexy? is a fantastic read and a book that's worth keeping on the shelf for reference or revisiting - it has a useful glossary of terms at the back (including a few terms I didn't know) and a list of resources I fully intend to take my time exploring.
https://sallybend.wordpress.com/2024/...
Nillin opens the book by talking about what they call the Ventura Effect, resulting from the transphobia-for-laughs aspect of Ace Ventura, with Jim Carrey and others gagging and vomiting over the shock/surprise reveal of Sean Young as transgender. For me, it was the Drebin Effect, with Leslie Nielsen having the same deplorable reaction to the transgender reveal of Anna Nicole Smith, but in both cases it's representative of how we're indoctrinated from an early age to find transgender people disgusting . . . shameful . . . even frightening. It's a condemnation of transgender individuals that has long permeated so much of pop culture that many people are plagued with assumptions and visceral reactions based on nothing more than comedic fiction. It's no wonder we sometimes struggle to accept ourselves and embrace our sexuality, which is why Nillin so carefully sets about undoing the damage before getting to the sexy.
Chapter 3 talks about self-compassion, shaking off unhelpful advice, and finding out what's behind our anxieties. It's a sort of intellectual deconstruction that allows us to better embrace the mantras of Chapter 4. What struck me most in that chapter is the idea that “It’s OK to change my mind.” As someone who has, over the years, identified as a transgender, genderqueer, nonbinary, and genderfluid . . . straight, bisexual, and pansexual . . . and often just questioning and confused about it all, that's a powerful message.
In Chapter 5, Nillin explores the wonderful variations in the human body, and the multitude of ways in which we are free to form relationships, all outside the bounds of heteronormativity. It's also here where they explore the idea of 'passing' as a privilege, of being forced to shift from one binary to another, with the expectation for a full transition (and the prejudices against not transitioning). It's that pressure to shift within a binary that had me so questioning and confused over the years, and that prejudice against not transitioning that keeps me at arms' length from our local transgender support group. It's hard enough to find yourself when most of society is indoctrinated against you - we really don't need to discriminate within our community,
Chapter 6 is where we really start to get into the idea of feeling sexy, and this was probably one of my favorite parts of the book. There's talk of gender-affirming prosthetics, from dildos to breastforms to binders, and then we get into the wonderful world of lingerie. As someone who has only ever looked at clothing as something that forces me to hide (dressing to cover up) or allows me to express myself (dressing to feel sexy), I'd never considered the inherent discrimination against trans bodies in those very same clothes. Nillin details how lingerie is largely designed for cisgender bodies, with panties that leave no room for a penis or briefs that leave too much room for the lack of a penis. Fortunately, they share some wonderful advice on how to measure yourself, how to accommodate yourself in selecting a size, and even where to shop, and talk about the difference between
That same chapter (and it is a long chapter) goes on to explore the various cultures where sexy clothing is essential to our feeling sexy. There are some lovely groups here to explore and maybe even experiment with, if you've never had the opportunity, but the ones that resonated with me include kittens (one of my fondest memories is being dressed as a kitten and taken on a walk by a trans friend), femboys, twinks, witchy goths, and fetishwear (my fondest memory is being dressed in PVC bondage and tied up in the woods by my Goddess).
Chapter 7 is where we start getting into the idea of being sexy, with a fabulous discussion of the gender-affirming power of makeup (including the sensuality of having it applied by someone else) and tattoos. It's here that Nillin also explores the challenge and the importance of finding safe spaces and inclusive communities. The only part of the book I have any disagreement with is the section here on how preferences are bigoted. I'm a little more forgiving than Nillin here, partially due to my 15 years of reading, reviewing, writing, and editing own-voices erotica. All of that has exposed me to a wide range of identities and sexualities, allowing me to vicariously explore the differences between sexual and romantic attraction, and (more importantly) appreciate the why of attraction. If you're looking for a kinky fling involving queening, your preferences are likely going to include a vagina, and if a facial is what makes you feel sexy, a penis is going to be on the agenda. On the other hand, if you're looking for a relationship, that's where I agree that preferences can do more harm than good, since a lifetime together allows for a lot more learning, experimentation, and adaptation than a one-time fling.
I'll leave you to explore the rest and determine best how Nillin's advice and experiences suit you, but How Do I Sexy? is a fantastic read and a book that's worth keeping on the shelf for reference or revisiting - it has a useful glossary of terms at the back (including a few terms I didn't know) and a list of resources I fully intend to take my time exploring.
https://sallybend.wordpress.com/2024/...
July 2, 2024
How Do I Sexy? is a guide for trans, nonbinary, and other gender diverse people of all body types to navigate finding your sexiness in a world where gender non-conforming people are often regarded as less attractive or desirable than the cishet folks that set society's definitions of what is sexy. Nillin Lore covers everything from unpacking the societal messaging GNC people are raised in, finding confidence in yourself (confidence is sexy!), figuring out how to express yourself in a way that makes you feel sexy, handling the sometimes complex relationships many 2SLGBTQIA+ folks participate in, to to navigating your sex life as a trans/nonbinary hottie. I especially appreciated the emphasis on consent and forming healthy relationships.
The book is well thought out and each topic is covered fairly comprehensively with lots of resources and care. It's a fun read, and at the end I felt very affirmed as a not conventionally attractive genderqueer weirdo.
The book is well thought out and each topic is covered fairly comprehensively with lots of resources and care. It's a fun read, and at the end I felt very affirmed as a not conventionally attractive genderqueer weirdo.
December 10, 2024
To read more reviews check out MI Book Reviews.
I got an ARC of this book.
The first thing that struck me about this book was the drastic difference in a single term. I was shocked when I read it. Apparently Canada and the US (or at least my part of the US) have a different view of the term Trap. In Canada it is a queer term, in Kansas it is a slur against trans women specifically. So once I settled down from that, I was intriqued. I love learning how queer culture is different in each area. It was a great look into an area I had not really looked far into. So if you are a US reader, be sure to read the glossary. Lore makes it pretty easy to know what will be in the glossary and the definitions are well thought out. It is so clear when a book like this is written by someone in the community insted of just about it.
The memoir portions were not super indepth. I don’t feel like I know anything more about Lore than I did before I started reading. Instead those sections were more about grounding the self-help sections in a way that gave some credibility and relatability. It wasn’t someone just talking, it was someone who clearly experienced this and wanted to help others. It felt more homey and more practical than any other guide or advice that I have seen about body positivity. It also wasn’t so focused on Lore than it wasn’t applicable to anyone else. Instead it felt more like a conversation with someone who cared.
The self help parts were sometimes the best I had read, but then sometimes I was left scratching my head. The fashion section just left me baffled for a large part of it. There were these large descriptions of fashions, but it just didn’t land for me. This is very likely a personal issue with the text and not an actual flaw. The sections that talked through big emotions and the outside stressors that make feeling ok hard were by far the most impactful for me. Allowing that space and outside influence to exist helps take the blame off queer people for not feeling amazing, when we are constantly told we aren’t. The focus on trans people and how even within the trans community there is gatekeeping and hate was fantastic. So much of this was needed context to help trans people not blame themselves for not feeling desireable. It gives some grace and hand holding to allow trans people to see the issue is not them or their bodies, that they have been fed this intense misinformation and narrow view of attractiveness and acceptability their whole lives. No wonder so many of us struggle. There was also the amazing point that you don’t have to love yourself. There is such a push for loving yourself before you can love someone else, but Lore hits the nail on the head. How can you love yourself when you have never felt loved? How can you love yourself when you aren’t allowing for a community and connection that helps show you are loved? It took the pressure off trans people to be perfect if they were to be deserving of love, because they are deserving of love because they exist.
My biggest issue is AFAB trans people were sort of thrown on. I think the book could have benefitted from sharing the writing with someone with a different trans perspective. While Lore has amazing insight on things I don’t, because we have experienced being trans differently partially because of genitalia and partially becuase of our different flavors of trans, it just hits hard that it feels like trans people with vulvas are again given less support and information. The section on underwear is a good example, but I can make an example from every chapter about this disconnect. Lore is able to give incredible detail about how to buy underwear and the challenges faced by trans people with penises. Then the underwear section for trans people with vulvas is buy underwear that is too small (not a recommendation I would make as that can cause pain and dysphoria, because the underwear then is more restrictive and can feel like femme coded underwear). There is no real information about how packing could work outside of buy special underwear. The best packing underwear I have found have been available in basic retail stores, H fly boxer briefs. Works better than any specialty packing underwear I have ever tried. It was details like this that just took the book from 5 stars to 4 for me. It is an incredibly important book and I am damn glad it exists. I just wish that there was more specifically for trans people like me. This is a general issue in queer spaces though, so while I am saddened I am not surprised.
Overall, an incredibly important book which is not something I have ever said about a self-help book before. This is one I read from cover to cover and will hopefully help me change the way I think about myself.
I got an ARC of this book.
The first thing that struck me about this book was the drastic difference in a single term. I was shocked when I read it. Apparently Canada and the US (or at least my part of the US) have a different view of the term Trap. In Canada it is a queer term, in Kansas it is a slur against trans women specifically. So once I settled down from that, I was intriqued. I love learning how queer culture is different in each area. It was a great look into an area I had not really looked far into. So if you are a US reader, be sure to read the glossary. Lore makes it pretty easy to know what will be in the glossary and the definitions are well thought out. It is so clear when a book like this is written by someone in the community insted of just about it.
The memoir portions were not super indepth. I don’t feel like I know anything more about Lore than I did before I started reading. Instead those sections were more about grounding the self-help sections in a way that gave some credibility and relatability. It wasn’t someone just talking, it was someone who clearly experienced this and wanted to help others. It felt more homey and more practical than any other guide or advice that I have seen about body positivity. It also wasn’t so focused on Lore than it wasn’t applicable to anyone else. Instead it felt more like a conversation with someone who cared.
The self help parts were sometimes the best I had read, but then sometimes I was left scratching my head. The fashion section just left me baffled for a large part of it. There were these large descriptions of fashions, but it just didn’t land for me. This is very likely a personal issue with the text and not an actual flaw. The sections that talked through big emotions and the outside stressors that make feeling ok hard were by far the most impactful for me. Allowing that space and outside influence to exist helps take the blame off queer people for not feeling amazing, when we are constantly told we aren’t. The focus on trans people and how even within the trans community there is gatekeeping and hate was fantastic. So much of this was needed context to help trans people not blame themselves for not feeling desireable. It gives some grace and hand holding to allow trans people to see the issue is not them or their bodies, that they have been fed this intense misinformation and narrow view of attractiveness and acceptability their whole lives. No wonder so many of us struggle. There was also the amazing point that you don’t have to love yourself. There is such a push for loving yourself before you can love someone else, but Lore hits the nail on the head. How can you love yourself when you have never felt loved? How can you love yourself when you aren’t allowing for a community and connection that helps show you are loved? It took the pressure off trans people to be perfect if they were to be deserving of love, because they are deserving of love because they exist.
My biggest issue is AFAB trans people were sort of thrown on. I think the book could have benefitted from sharing the writing with someone with a different trans perspective. While Lore has amazing insight on things I don’t, because we have experienced being trans differently partially because of genitalia and partially becuase of our different flavors of trans, it just hits hard that it feels like trans people with vulvas are again given less support and information. The section on underwear is a good example, but I can make an example from every chapter about this disconnect. Lore is able to give incredible detail about how to buy underwear and the challenges faced by trans people with penises. Then the underwear section for trans people with vulvas is buy underwear that is too small (not a recommendation I would make as that can cause pain and dysphoria, because the underwear then is more restrictive and can feel like femme coded underwear). There is no real information about how packing could work outside of buy special underwear. The best packing underwear I have found have been available in basic retail stores, H fly boxer briefs. Works better than any specialty packing underwear I have ever tried. It was details like this that just took the book from 5 stars to 4 for me. It is an incredibly important book and I am damn glad it exists. I just wish that there was more specifically for trans people like me. This is a general issue in queer spaces though, so while I am saddened I am not surprised.
Overall, an incredibly important book which is not something I have ever said about a self-help book before. This is one I read from cover to cover and will hopefully help me change the way I think about myself.
March 25, 2024
Thank you Netgalley for providing me this arc.
As I write this I'm in a weird space in my life as I come to terms with what I want and what my new normal will look/feel like. So, of course, when I saw this one on Netgalley I had to read it.
I wasn't sure what I expected when I opened this one, but I wasn't disappointed. In someways, this book felt like a informative pep talk from a fellow trans person and I needed that.
While this book doesn't shy away from all the things we whisper about when it comes to trans sex - body parts, what to call them, do with them pre/post transition. It's also so much more than that. It's a pep talk and a guide to finding your crowd and figuring out what makes you feel good and how to uphold and explain healthy boundaries in all relationships - not just romantic of sexual ones.
My biggest take away from this book came from the affirmation section.
“Affirming Mantra 4: I am not responsible for the feelings of others.”
I've struggled in this area my whole life even before I came out and this was the book I needed to read right now.
Would recommend to anyone struggling to find community or self acceptance.
As I write this I'm in a weird space in my life as I come to terms with what I want and what my new normal will look/feel like. So, of course, when I saw this one on Netgalley I had to read it.
I wasn't sure what I expected when I opened this one, but I wasn't disappointed. In someways, this book felt like a informative pep talk from a fellow trans person and I needed that.
While this book doesn't shy away from all the things we whisper about when it comes to trans sex - body parts, what to call them, do with them pre/post transition. It's also so much more than that. It's a pep talk and a guide to finding your crowd and figuring out what makes you feel good and how to uphold and explain healthy boundaries in all relationships - not just romantic of sexual ones.
My biggest take away from this book came from the affirmation section.
“Affirming Mantra 4: I am not responsible for the feelings of others.”
I've struggled in this area my whole life even before I came out and this was the book I needed to read right now.
Would recommend to anyone struggling to find community or self acceptance.
August 23, 2024
Bullet points of the book
- Wear clothes that make you feel good
- Keep people around that validate your identity
- Do things in the bedroom that feel good and validate your identity
- Feel free to experiment with new things
Might be more useful to younger readers who might not have discovered these things for themselves.
I wish the author gave more information and less personal facts because I was reading the book to learn about the topic covered, not about the author.
Overall, I will rate it 3/5 stars because there were a few interesting tidbits and it was a fairly quick read, but it didn't fulfill all the hopes I had for the book.
- Wear clothes that make you feel good
- Keep people around that validate your identity
- Do things in the bedroom that feel good and validate your identity
- Feel free to experiment with new things
Might be more useful to younger readers who might not have discovered these things for themselves.
I wish the author gave more information and less personal facts because I was reading the book to learn about the topic covered, not about the author.
Overall, I will rate it 3/5 stars because there were a few interesting tidbits and it was a fairly quick read, but it didn't fulfill all the hopes I had for the book.
July 30, 2024
Excellent mix of autobiography and advice. Lore talks about their own gender discoveries and experiences as a sexual trans human to help the reader navigate their own sexuality and how we can use it to affirm our gender identities. Practical and gentle, this guide opens up the discussion on forming healthy sexual relationships and experiences with other partners both trans and cis. As a trans man this book helped me learn new ways to discuss my desires with partners, and imagine new sexual possibilities.
September 11, 2024
Nillin has once again blew my mind! This book not only taught me about confidence but how to proudly show it off as well. This book helped me to understand different types of attraction and intimacy, some I never knew about! This book educated me on essential queer topics, that our school systems seem to lack. This book also gave me great reflection ideas and helped me to realize where I need to set boundaries in my life to as a queer, trans and neurodivergent person. So I would highly recommend this book, and most likely would read again! Thanks for being inspiring Nillin! <3
May 20, 2024
Such an excellent and well-written roadmap for trans and enby queers who want to explore feeling sexy on their own terms! Nillin's writing is warm, approachable, and steadying as they guide us through topics that can be sensitive and overwhelming. Even though I'm not new to sexy-ing as a trans queer, I picked up some things and added avenues of exploration to my to-do list!
Thank you to the author for sending me an ARC. My opinions are my own.
Thank you to the author for sending me an ARC. My opinions are my own.
March 22, 2024
I found this to be a well written book that is geared towards newby trans and queer folx learning more about and exploring sex and sexuality. I think that this is a good book for older teens and beyond, especially the more explicit sections. However, the point of this book is about feeling sexy and sex as a queer person, and I think the author fulfilled that goal with this book. I also really really appreciated that the author included asexuality and aromantic people when talking about sexuality and attraction. Finally, I also really liked how the author bolded terms and words that might be unfamiliar to the reader and provided definitions in a glossary at the back of the book.
October 3, 2025
Kind, thoughtful, and inclusive guide to feeling sexy outside the binary
October 31, 2024
Wonderful writer's voice, sound advice.
April 16, 2024
Thank you to Netgalley for giving me an ARC copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
This book is an outstanding look at trans queerness and at helping young adults find a way to be sexy in a world that teaches them to be ashamed for being different. The book is a refreshing look at trans queerness and feels like it was written for us rather than about us.
I enjoyed the formula that exists for most of the book, where Mx. Nillin Lore provides facts/history, before giving the reader an anecdote about their journey, and then proceeds to teach us how to do it ourselves. It is an effective way to teach and a smart way to blend memoir and self-help. Each chapter is well thought out and well-paced while being enjoyable to read. Lore manages the tonal shifts well, going from an educational. or serious tone to a more humorous and light-hearted one without feeling forced. The tonal shifts also help to stop the book from becoming either too dark or too frivolous.
The book also teaches important lessons and does an excellent job of examining what stops a person from feeling sexy and teaching the reader how to overcome it even if it means examining things a person doesn't want to look too closely at.
The book is a mix of a personal essay, a self-help/advice guide, and a history lesson and balances all of these aspects wonderfully. On a personal note, I think this book is important and necessary and would be helpful for anyone who is trying to find out how to be sexy, but especially the trans queers who don't even know where to begin.
This book is an outstanding look at trans queerness and at helping young adults find a way to be sexy in a world that teaches them to be ashamed for being different. The book is a refreshing look at trans queerness and feels like it was written for us rather than about us.
I enjoyed the formula that exists for most of the book, where Mx. Nillin Lore provides facts/history, before giving the reader an anecdote about their journey, and then proceeds to teach us how to do it ourselves. It is an effective way to teach and a smart way to blend memoir and self-help. Each chapter is well thought out and well-paced while being enjoyable to read. Lore manages the tonal shifts well, going from an educational. or serious tone to a more humorous and light-hearted one without feeling forced. The tonal shifts also help to stop the book from becoming either too dark or too frivolous.
The book also teaches important lessons and does an excellent job of examining what stops a person from feeling sexy and teaching the reader how to overcome it even if it means examining things a person doesn't want to look too closely at.
The book is a mix of a personal essay, a self-help/advice guide, and a history lesson and balances all of these aspects wonderfully. On a personal note, I think this book is important and necessary and would be helpful for anyone who is trying to find out how to be sexy, but especially the trans queers who don't even know where to begin.
January 30, 2025
I won a paperback copy of How do I sexy? from a goodreads giveaway. I read a few pages then stopped reading it and read another book then came back to this book and started reading it from the beginning.
My favorite chapter was Saying no to traditional roles and other toxic ideals. In that chapter I really liked learning about Anatonormativity. I had never heard of that term before. I suppose I think that if I don't have a romantic relationship that leads to marriage and kids and a house my life won't be compete. I suppose I also think that that relationship should be the most important relationship in my life.
I also liked reading about how to find a style and his experience with dating online and offline. I think I could use a new look. My look is whatever someone gives me or hand me downs, or clothes I can by cheap. So I think I could work on finding a look.
I think anyone would like reading How do I sexy? Plus the cover of the book uses bright colors and makes the book stand out.
My favorite chapter was Saying no to traditional roles and other toxic ideals. In that chapter I really liked learning about Anatonormativity. I had never heard of that term before. I suppose I think that if I don't have a romantic relationship that leads to marriage and kids and a house my life won't be compete. I suppose I also think that that relationship should be the most important relationship in my life.
I also liked reading about how to find a style and his experience with dating online and offline. I think I could use a new look. My look is whatever someone gives me or hand me downs, or clothes I can by cheap. So I think I could work on finding a look.
I think anyone would like reading How do I sexy? Plus the cover of the book uses bright colors and makes the book stand out.
September 3, 2024
An excellent read. Mx Nillin Lore balances their incredible charm, wit, and humour to talk about handling trauma, discovering the self, and of course; how to feel comfortable and sexy, both in and out of the bedroom. The book first introduces you to the history of Mx Nillin Lore, creating understanding between author and reader of why the author is more than qualified to talk about this type of content. By the time you are being offered practical advice mere chapters later, you know that you can trust this is someone who knows exactly what they are talking about. The book includes an expansive glossary to help through vocab you may or may not be familiar with, making your journey through that much more accommodating. If you ever found yourself wondering “how to sexy” this book is for you!
October 8, 2024
I loved this book. It's a warm hug of understanding, it's a conversation with a loving friend. That might be the best description actually; the writing feels like a friend who wants to help you through.
I sometimes feel unwelcome in trans spaces as a disabled agender person, but Nillin effortlessly includes disabled people and people on all parts of the gender nonconforming spectrum. I found myself reading this with a highlighter in my hand for the first time since university, so that I could save certain passages to show to my partners later.
5/5 stars, I've already bought a second copy to donate to my local queer library. I hope it helps someone else as much as it helped me!
I sometimes feel unwelcome in trans spaces as a disabled agender person, but Nillin effortlessly includes disabled people and people on all parts of the gender nonconforming spectrum. I found myself reading this with a highlighter in my hand for the first time since university, so that I could save certain passages to show to my partners later.
5/5 stars, I've already bought a second copy to donate to my local queer library. I hope it helps someone else as much as it helped me!
October 25, 2025
I'm the author, so this is a biased review. It's been over a year since the release of How Do I Sexy? and I'm so thankful for everyone who has picked up and read the book! Seeing it reach so many 2SLGBTQ+ people, and receive recognition in the 2024 Foreword INDIES Book of the Year Awards, has been surreal.
I can't wait for you all to read the spiritual successor, Carry On: Unpacking Your Internalized Transphobic and Queerphobic Baggage , when it releases on March 20th, 2026.
I can't wait for you all to read the spiritual successor, Carry On: Unpacking Your Internalized Transphobic and Queerphobic Baggage , when it releases on March 20th, 2026.
April 29, 2024
Really enjoyable how to guide for navigating one's sex life when you're transgender or nonbinary. Nillin does an amazing job covering self acceptance, complex relationships, consent and how to make your sex life fresh and fun. This guide is a breeze to read, with engaging content, accessible language and focus on making the topic fun.
August 16, 2024
This is the how-to guide for trans, NB and GNC adolescents to navigate the world of relationships and romance. I haven't quite finished reading it yet, but I'm compelled to write this review because this could have been the book I needed as a teen to feel like I was "normal".
(Review copy from NetGalley)
(Review copy from NetGalley)
August 31, 2024
Compassionate, informed, & affirming book
Very warm, caring approach to the Trans and non-binary community in the most helpful way from the author who has lived the ups and downs and has shared very personal experiences and outlook that will resonate with readers... Highly Recommend!
Very warm, caring approach to the Trans and non-binary community in the most helpful way from the author who has lived the ups and downs and has shared very personal experiences and outlook that will resonate with readers... Highly Recommend!
March 16, 2025
A practical guide for trans and nonbinary individuals. The book contains solid advice from an author with first-hand authority to write about the topic. References, a glossary, and a comprehensive index add further legitimacy to the book.
Thanks to the author and publisher for an ARC.
Thanks to the author and publisher for an ARC.
January 8, 2025
[Digital copy provided by Netgalley]
Actual rating 3.5 stars
Quite a fun and informative read! I liked the sections on fashion, online dating safety, and trans queer inclusive adult content. A lot of the rest of the book wasn't new or particularly revolutionary to me, but to someone at a different point in their life and personal journey might find a lot of helpful guidance and assurance. As someone not familiar with the author, How Do I Sexy? felt like chatting with some of my friends and acquaintances, giving the book a pretty informal feel. The writing style was a bit flat to me, staying pretty surface level with a good bit of repetition throughout. Would have loved some more depth and a more even distribution of topics personally, but I did appreciate how unapologetic this book is and the service it does to providing trans queer inclusive sex education.
Actual rating 3.5 stars
Quite a fun and informative read! I liked the sections on fashion, online dating safety, and trans queer inclusive adult content. A lot of the rest of the book wasn't new or particularly revolutionary to me, but to someone at a different point in their life and personal journey might find a lot of helpful guidance and assurance. As someone not familiar with the author, How Do I Sexy? felt like chatting with some of my friends and acquaintances, giving the book a pretty informal feel. The writing style was a bit flat to me, staying pretty surface level with a good bit of repetition throughout. Would have loved some more depth and a more even distribution of topics personally, but I did appreciate how unapologetic this book is and the service it does to providing trans queer inclusive sex education.
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