Raise Your Social I.Q: How to Do the Right Thing in Any Situation

by Michael Levine

In this modern stress-filled time, people face many awkward situations: the dating scene with all its pitfalls; gay relatives "coming out"; friends going through grief and loss; job difficulties and other personal problems: the woes of love, friendship, and profession.To avoid gaffes and goofs and other embarrassments, we need to bring our social I.Q. into the twenty-first century. This book defines manners and etiquette for how we live today and shows readers how to keep their mouths foot free.

Among the topics covered:
-- How to mix business and social relationships
-- Thank-you notes and why they are indispensable
-- E-mail versus snail mail (guess which one is better)
-- How to behave on the first date
-- Being a teacher, a healer, a minister
-- Racism, politics, and sex
-- RSVP or else!
-- The Ten Commandments of social I.Q.

The book includes a social I.Q. test -- the author dares readers to improve their score before the "final exam", given at the end of the book. Raise Your Social I.Q. shows readers how to live better, happier, and nicer, and to help rid the planet of incivility.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Sociology, Adult

253 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1998

Reviews

[☮Karen]

Turns out this is about manners, something we need more of. But it's also a very old book-- even the audio sounds old and scratchy. Nothing new here, just a reminder of some social niceties MOST of us learned as children, but that unfortunately some did not! Levine asserts that we can all act as ambassadors for good manners, to pick the right time and place to do so, or simply to lead by example.

[Kt]

I couldn't even get halfway through this. It was really bad. A large portion of it was dedicated to dating and meeting a romantic partner. From the description, it seemed like it was going to be about all sorts of social etiquette things. The quizzes had VERY obvious answers, which makes them a waste of time to take. Everyone knows what you are supposed to do in certain situations, but some of these "commandments" were just ridiculous. This book is older too, which might account for some things. Email used to be a really awful and "rushed" kind of way to write a note, but nowadays, it is a convenience with everyone's busy schedules that makes it easier to get the message (I check my physical mailbox once a week).

I still think it is important to be polite and do things "right", but this book was just not doing it for me.

[Marissa Morrison]

Somebody recommended this as a primer for kids, but that would be a mistake unless you want your child learning how to handle one-night stands and other mature situations. Like most etiquette books, the main idea is to be nice, but Levine takes it a step further and says that human beings have a responsibility to look out for one another. Since this book is more than a decade old, it doesn't cover Facebook, which strikes me as the #1 source of contemporary faux pas.

[Teal Veyre]

DNF at chapter one. So some precious outdated etiquette rules still apply, but of course, the ones that would require men to pick up their balls and take initiative romantically no longer apply.

Ir's still absolutely necessary to send hand-written Thank You notes? That's ridiculous. People are going to think you're insane. An email thank you is fine.

While the author is stuck in the 1940s with gems like that, "Gender doesn't matter. Either the man or woman can call for a date" NO. I used to believe this noise. That's how you end up in a baby momma situationship with a man who doesn't value you.
Men can be really really trash. Make them work so the trash takes itself out.
Women are far more vulnerable than men in relationships: We can get pregnant, we catch STDs easier, we're financially vulnerable and put our health at risk if we decide to carry a man's baby. We have far more limited dating options if we become single mothers.
The least a man can do is be a gentleman in the dating phase.
I'm sorry, you want to sit on your ass and get some pussy delivered to you? I don't think so.

Low Value Male trash wrote this book.

Imagine telling women that we can't even expect men to make a damn phone call anymore.
Make the first move, ladies. Tell me how it works out for you. Oh, it went great, you say? I don't believe you. You're coping, bitch.

[AmyLyn]

I just started this today, but so far I'm unimpressed. While I'm sure it wouldn't hurt for me to suffer through it and learn some good points of etiquette, the writing style is painfully dry and I'm just not sure I can do it.

Update: Added this book to the trash pile. Just didn't have the time or interest to keep going with it. I don't know what I expected from a book on etiquette, but still . . .

[Christa]

I mean, I know this was written in 1998, but I had to stop reading for the heteronormativity of this book.

[John]

I totally didn't read this whole book. It's one I felt more than ok not finishing.

[Nora Davis]

This book is interesting, and really got me thinking about how my actions come across to people I care about as well as people I don't know well. I'm wondering if some of these suggestions are now antiquated (I had trouble listening to the wedding etiquette, though the author did say the guidelines were based on tradition and are much more flexible these days). Even if some of these etiquette rules are now out of date, I suppose there's no harm in being overly polite. I like the idea of handwritten notes to show someone what they mean to you, and that's something I do occasionally now and will try to do more of. I liked the suggestions for what to say or not to say in awkward situations, which is really why I got the book. Remembering that what you say to a grieving person should be about them and their feelings is helpful.

The author indicated that he hoped to update the book someday for modern customs. I'm not sure if he's done it since this writing but it's needed. He spent far too much time addressing Internet message boards and using online terms I've never heard of, so I'm sure they're antiquated.

Overall, there were a lot of good points to consider, and the overall message of putting yourself in someone else's shoes in order to know how to approach them is a great one.

[Katherine]

This, it turns out, is a book about etiquette. Such as whether wedding invitations should be hand addressed or printed. And how long you should wait before calling the other person back after a first date. The best thing I can say about it is that it's now so outdated, the "rules" it espouses are sometimes highly entertaining. Such as, a fax is more appropriate for a personal note than an email. I hope you're taking notes!

[Melissa Jeter]

Now that I have finished this book, I have mixed feelings. I think that some of the tips are helpful if you are socially awkward. On the other hand people who are socially awkward may not be aware of it, so this information is lost on them. I, however left this book thinking that I am socially awkward. I'm not sure I was expecting that.

[Morag]

I listened to the audiobook version which made the book sound quite light hearted. The book contains some useful ideas and advice and I wish I'd had it when I was a teenager. Yeah, I probably wouldn't have listened to advice about etiquette when I was a teenager.

Much more entertaining than I expected.

[Edy Gies]

This book was not at all what I was expecting. There were some helpful tips and suggestions, but there were things that I really don't need to know and if I did, I wouldn't be looking in this book. (e.g. What does each family pay for at a wedding?) There was also a lot about dating and sleeping with new people so that was completely unnecessary for me. (I skimmed those parts.)

[Y]

While it's definitely dated and I personally could never live in a sterilely clean, polite world like this (and sending a note after doing every little thing is really a waste of trees), there are definitely plenty of things that many people could learn from the book. Anyone who doesn't believe this is so must have a happy, asshole-free life. I envy them.

[Lori]

I would hate to live in this man's world, where people are rude, self-centered, and generally crazy. The baby boomers' idea of rejecting everything their parents stand for seems to have turned society into a bunch of rude jerks. Yikes

[PixieART]

My favorite quote from this book, " But then again, not all hookers look like Julia Roberts."

I read this is 2021, and it is seriously out dated. If this is the only book you have available about manners and etiquette and you literally know nothing, then you can learn from this book. If you are from an alien planet and only have this book as reference before trying to blend in with Americans you might learn enough to pass.

This book reminders us in... Ever... Chapter.... That women have the right to turn down sex. And that sex is not an obligation from work, dates, or gifts! That everyone needs to decide for themselves when they are comfortable with sex. Do we still need this reminder??? I guess from the "Me To" movement we do.
The book did have an interesting idea explained, it stayed that 50 years ago (from the 1990's) men were told the women like sex just as much as they do ( no argument there) but because of the stigma of "a good girl stays pure" and "a bag girl is easy" . Therefore, girls and women were social obligated to say "No" even though ment "Yes". Sadly, I can believe this was taught. 😭

Other messages taught in this book about etiquette are not so outdated. There's a lot of simple things people could use a reminder of.

However, I did have a problem with the books Tiffany theory or wrapping paper. Just because you complement someone before saying something doesn't mean they will listen to you. You definitely need to be socially aware of when it can be used but not all the time.
The book didn't explain common work place heated discussions.
Unfortunately most women in the work place has explained that they get talked over. This wasn't talked about in the 90's.
Can you imagine, a few women and men have a heated argument about a workplace issue or project. People feel very passionately about their opinion and people are talking loud and over each other, and someone cutting in with the "Tiffany theory" when they feel people aren't listening to their idea or insulting their ideas to get their point across! If they even get a word in! It wouldn't go over well.

[Adriyana Grotseva]

This book is about manners/ etiquette (knowledge, tact, sensitivity, good taste) so the title was quite misleading for me. The author is a Hollywood publicist so he kind of displays from that american view. The main points that are reiterated throughout the book are: always return phone calls within the day and send hand written thank you notes. The book is written in 1998 so some of the topics and terms feel quite outdated. Every chapter ends with quizzes but these weren’t so helpful. A good point was reminding that the focus of a grieving person should be on them and their feelings. Instead of giving your condolences (concentrating on your feelings “I am so sorry”, etc) to ask how can you help and be available for them. Other insights for me from the book are:

We have two regulatory systems - legal and etiquette. The legal system prevents us from killing each other. The etiquette system prevents us from driving each other crazy. We think we understand our fellow humans until they break what we see as a rule and then we wonder why they broke it.
Etiquette is a set of social rules. Its purpose is not to make sure everyone behaves the same way but for everyone to know what the rules are so that when they are broken we can either condemn the rule breaker for breaking the rule or try to understand the reason for breaking it. If there are no rules at all, everyone would behave randomly and there will be no point of reference. Rules are there as protection and sign post. It doesn’t offer solutions but just point out the problem.
The key to social IQ is to present the truth in the most polite and positive way as possible.
The Tiffany theory - beautifully wrapped presents/ explanations presented in positive light, that gift or statement would have higher perceived value than given in normal box or told straight (bluntly, things as they are).
When you see a sick friend and they look awful don’t tell them they look good or bad. They know how they look. Concentrate on what they are doing to get well and don’t lie to your friend.

[Rachel Aranda]

I can see how it was useful in its day but it is really outdated. This was mandatory reading at the school I went to and I thought it was rather boring since some of the insights were no longer in use. Also the teacher played the audio CD in the classroom and the narrator sounded so robotic. I'm glad that audiobooks and audio CDs have changed their styles to be more theatrical in a good way rather than stiff like this narrator.

[Lauren]

This book is alright, but it shows it's age. It was surprisingly liberal for the time it was written in, which I appreciate. I read a few chapters, skimmed various chapters, and started just taking the quizzes. Almost everything was common knowledge, though some of the topics might have been taboo back in the day.

[Franklin]

Very dated. A guide to manners in the recent past, with many aspects that are dated and outdated. There are many aspects of manners that are not found in typical manners guides including one night stands, how to ask someone else out, etc.

[Abigail]

A modern manners book for a modern world. Really shows how important they are and practical ways to use them. As well it shows that manners and etiquette are not antiquated and are really needed in this world.

[Nso]

A bit old school. Lots of common sense information on manners.

[Eric]

I'm not sure why I decided to check this out. I like How To Win Friends and Influence People so I figured I'd just snag this and maybe there would be a nugget of gold to think about.

I have to say I was completely wrong. This book is horribly out dated and makes references to things that just aren't logical.

It's full of horrible advice from beginning 'til the end. The information that one may find helpful is all common sense that even the most oblivious person will know. "Awkward situation: You ask a man out on a date and he declines. You later hear that he thought you were too needy and if you had waited he would have been more interested." No one thinks like this and if they do they're mental and you should avoid them regardless of what their excuse is.

Anyway, I could go on and on. Just do yourself a favor and don't read this book.

[Heather Murphy]

This book had some social idea jems including being an ambassador (representing the groups to which you belong) and sending written cards and notes but I was generally bored and it is somewhat outdated. Technology has changed since it was written so does that mean social edicate has too? I listened to it read from my library's list of audio books on their app. The lady reading it had no emotion and was almost as annoying as Dr. Laura's voice (haha, no not quite). This book would have improved if it gave examples of conversations in which the principles were used not just scenarios.

[Fausto Betances]

It was good to read about social convention as seen by the pre-internet generation. Sadly i have to say most concepts seem outdated in focus and relevance.

[Leah]

Outdated and obvious.

[Nick W.]

AUDIOBOOK: Kind of a few no brainers and a little outdated since the rise of social media and text messaging

[Christina]

It needs updated.

[Shawn]

Read twice.