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Gender Neutral Parenting: Raising Kids with the Freedom to Be Themselves
Our culture has strict rules for acceptable behavior for men and women. But what about kids who fall outside the boundaries of prescribed roles? This book is a guide for parents in the practical application of Gender Neutral Parenting - a parenting style based on respect for a child's self-identity and providing latitude in exploring their own version of gender and gender expressions. In Gender Neutral Parenting you'll learn the Five Skills Essential for #1: Become Aware of GenderizationSkill #2: Become Aware of Your Gender BiasSkill #3: Create a Gender Diverse EnvironmentSkill #4: Start a Dialog About GenderSkill #5: Dealing With Family and Friends and Dispelling MythsWith practical examples and real world scenarios, this book will give you the strong foundation needed to implement GNP in your home and with your children. You'll learn about gender stereotypes for boys and girls and how to counteract them as a parent. Stereotypes covered include;Girl Genderization Girls Are More Social and Less Girls Are Girls Are Boy Crazy, Sexual Girls Are Pure and VirginalBoy Genderization Boys Are Physically Active But Behind Socially and Boys Are Emotionally Boys Are Slaves To Their Sex Boys Will Be BoysYou'll also learn how to deal with family and friends (and strangers) that don't understand your parenting approach. I'll answer questions like;“Are you trying to make her androgynous?”“Won’t that make him gay?”“Why are you so anti-feminine/anti-masculine?”“Do you think she’s trans*?”“You’re raising a person not a social experiment.”“She’s going to hate you and need therapy.” Or, “He’ll be bullied.”“I can’t believe you let her play with Barbies! Don’t you even care about her future?”This book is for any parent, grandparent, or childcare teacher that wants a guide to raising kids without the strict limitations of gender roles and who wants to engage kids in conversations that will make them savvy media consumers and critical problem solvers around issues or gender and equality.
132 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 9, 2013
18 people are currently reading
326 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
February 2, 2021
This book takes a look at what is involved and the basics about how to raise kids in a fashion that lets them come to understand gender in their own ways. The first chapter explains the basics of gender. Chapter two goes in to five key skills that are useful in undertaking this style of parenting. The next two chapters discuss stereotypes connected with being a girl or a boy. Chapter five covers some things about setting up a gender neutral environment. Chapter six discusses talking to your child about gender. Chapter seven presents issues you might run into and ways of responding. Following a conclusion there is a suggested reading list and glossary.
The following are a couple of comments focusing on John Money. Numbers in brackets [] are Kindle pages.
[7] “In 1955, Sexologist John Money first made the distinction between biological sex and gender as a social construct.” That maybe, but he wasn’t exactly the most ethical of scientists.
[8] “In the past, a completely arbitrary process was used to force non-typical genitalia into the binary of male/female. Doctors would decide if the clitoris was small enough to be ‘female’ or if the penis was large enough to be ‘male.’” This often resulted in surgery. And Money propagated this madness.
I was impressed with this book. I had been wondered how it would be possible to raise a child in a gender neutral way after I had a conversation with a woman who was upset because her daughter was raising their child in that way. I knew that is was not damaging to the child as this woman was worried about, but how do you raise such a child? But, I had no clue as to how this style of parenting would work. But the book explains the method well. You don't control the child's environment so there are only neutral gender things in it. You create a neutral stance to guiding your child in any particular gender identity. So, if your little girl wants a Barbie that is find, or your little boy. A particular toy or clothing choice will not indicate by themselves your child's gender identity. Boys can play with Barbie dolls if they want or wear pink. In the end it is about giving the child the freedom to explore gender in anyway they might desire.
I can definitely recommend this book to someone who is considering raising their child in a gender neutral manner, or anyone that is curious about how it is done, like me, and done well. Come with an open mind if you are doubtful.
The following are a couple of comments focusing on John Money. Numbers in brackets [] are Kindle pages.
[7] “In 1955, Sexologist John Money first made the distinction between biological sex and gender as a social construct.” That maybe, but he wasn’t exactly the most ethical of scientists.
[8] “In the past, a completely arbitrary process was used to force non-typical genitalia into the binary of male/female. Doctors would decide if the clitoris was small enough to be ‘female’ or if the penis was large enough to be ‘male.’” This often resulted in surgery. And Money propagated this madness.
I was impressed with this book. I had been wondered how it would be possible to raise a child in a gender neutral way after I had a conversation with a woman who was upset because her daughter was raising their child in that way. I knew that is was not damaging to the child as this woman was worried about, but how do you raise such a child? But, I had no clue as to how this style of parenting would work. But the book explains the method well. You don't control the child's environment so there are only neutral gender things in it. You create a neutral stance to guiding your child in any particular gender identity. So, if your little girl wants a Barbie that is find, or your little boy. A particular toy or clothing choice will not indicate by themselves your child's gender identity. Boys can play with Barbie dolls if they want or wear pink. In the end it is about giving the child the freedom to explore gender in anyway they might desire.
I can definitely recommend this book to someone who is considering raising their child in a gender neutral manner, or anyone that is curious about how it is done, like me, and done well. Come with an open mind if you are doubtful.
May 24, 2021
This book has SO MANY great tips for raising a child who chooses how they express themselves and what they prefer. Probably one of the most important things to me for my child is that he knows that his thoughts/actions/ideas/expressions are important and valid and good and that his parents will always support him.
It offered a great conversational tip "ARLO" which stands for "ask/reflect/listen/observe" as how to converse with your child. When they say something, these techniques will allow them to expand on what they're thinking about and learn to analyze and develop fuller thoughts, rather than correcting them or minimizing them. And when they do this, you both have a better chance of learning what is at the root of their thoughts on certain things.
It offered a great conversational tip "ARLO" which stands for "ask/reflect/listen/observe" as how to converse with your child. When they say something, these techniques will allow them to expand on what they're thinking about and learn to analyze and develop fuller thoughts, rather than correcting them or minimizing them. And when they do this, you both have a better chance of learning what is at the root of their thoughts on certain things.
May 20, 2018
Amazing book that shows both conventional and non conventional ways of thinking while still being able to teach kids that no matter what way you follow, there is no space for sexism. This is definitely a book for everyone.
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January 29, 2021I think this is a great book for someone *beginning* to explore gender beyond the binary. The science chapter was the one I learned the most. I also appreciated the dialogue examples. Many of those skills are transferable to other parts of parenting.
February 24, 2015
From the very beginning of this small but dense book, the author makes it very clear that Gender Neutral Parenting is NOT the same thing as parenting your children to make them be gender-neutral; it is instead about making all options of gender expression acceptable in your home, actively and consciously counteracting stereotypes and helping your children to think critically about gender stereotypes as well, and ultimately letting them decide their authentic gender expression for themselves.
Skeptics of GNP may be surprised, then, that the author doesn't suggest that your girls shouldn't be allowed to dress up and play with barbies if that's what they prefer, or that your boys shouldn't be allowed to roughhouse and play with trucks if that's what they prefer - but rather that we should reject a mind-set that these interests and preferences are only acceptable for one particular gender. Likewise, before children are old enough to choose what they prefer, they should not be pushed in one direction or another (and because so much gendering is caused by unconscious bias, parents should be made aware of cultural tendencies toward bias and intentionally attempt to counteract them in the messages they communicate to their children).
One of the most elegant tools the author discusses for educating children about gender is simply by asking questions instead of harshly shutting a child down when she/he makes a questionable statement about gender. There are a number of example conversations in the book which are illuminating, showing how by basic conversation and questioning a parent can unpack a gender-conforming child's beliefs in order to determine whether they are being their authentic selves or whether they are conforming due to cultural expectations. If the latter, she points out that this is not a parenting failure but is instead an opportunity for discussion and discovery.
On the whole, because this book is so sane and so short, I would recommend it to basically anyone who interacts with young people.
Also, as a bonus, the author includes a bibliography of additional reading material on gender and parenting; I intend to dig into some of these suggested books as well.
Skeptics of GNP may be surprised, then, that the author doesn't suggest that your girls shouldn't be allowed to dress up and play with barbies if that's what they prefer, or that your boys shouldn't be allowed to roughhouse and play with trucks if that's what they prefer - but rather that we should reject a mind-set that these interests and preferences are only acceptable for one particular gender. Likewise, before children are old enough to choose what they prefer, they should not be pushed in one direction or another (and because so much gendering is caused by unconscious bias, parents should be made aware of cultural tendencies toward bias and intentionally attempt to counteract them in the messages they communicate to their children).
One of the most elegant tools the author discusses for educating children about gender is simply by asking questions instead of harshly shutting a child down when she/he makes a questionable statement about gender. There are a number of example conversations in the book which are illuminating, showing how by basic conversation and questioning a parent can unpack a gender-conforming child's beliefs in order to determine whether they are being their authentic selves or whether they are conforming due to cultural expectations. If the latter, she points out that this is not a parenting failure but is instead an opportunity for discussion and discovery.
On the whole, because this book is so sane and so short, I would recommend it to basically anyone who interacts with young people.
Also, as a bonus, the author includes a bibliography of additional reading material on gender and parenting; I intend to dig into some of these suggested books as well.
September 16, 2015
What an interesting book! I really enjoyed the science involved in explaining how vast gender and sex really are. Although I already practice much of what is explained here, I did actually learn some really interesting things. I am a huge fan of the ARLO style of dialogue in parenting and was happy to see it here! This is a great book for everyone. .. not just parents.
August 10, 2014
I love a book that makes me think about how, even when I am trying not to be, I make biased statements. And now I am more aware to help my child. And to help my family.
September 21, 2014
I love how she gives everyday examples on how to keep an open dialogue with your kids on all the tricky conversations about gender. Will keep this in my library and revisit again soon, I'm sure.
November 6, 2017
Poorly written with way too many typos for me to take the author seriously. More of a privileged cis-gender white mom Facebook rant than a book.
December 4, 2018
Inaccurate content, reinforces the gender roles she tries to dismantle
While there is *some* good content here, the author also has some of her facts wrong. For example, she claims that baby boys cry more and longer than baby girls. I’m doing so, she “educates” parents that their boys are going to be “harder” than their soft, gentle girls. When I researched this, I found scholarly articles that flatly showed that there is NO gender based difference in crying frequency, intensity and so on. I found it irresponsible at best to perpetuate such a stereotype in the face of contrary empirical evidence. Furthermore, she says that fighting and violence are “natural” for boys and we should accept this and provide them with toy guns and the like so they can play violent killing games that are “natural” for them. Her evidence for this is that other (presumably socialized) pronates play violently so we should expect our boys to as well. Huh? So if gorillas do it now it’s ok? Head spinner. In fact, I’d argue that we should not tolerate violence, weapons or killing games as part of play. This is not play. Our kids don’t need to practice killing one another. And to encourage the use of weapons in the home ignores the seriousness of the tool in acts of violence. I’d say we should prohibit and (gasp!) shame violent play as unacceptable. We can’t expect to have a pacifist society if we’re still teaching kids that killing is all in good fun. My final issue with this book (if it’s not enough already) is the list of books we’re supposed to read with our kids. Most of them START by reinforcing the gender binary. If I want to raise my child in an open way, I don’t need to first tell them: ok, you’re a BOY and this is what BOYS are like. But if you want to be different that’s ok. This is in itself a form of shaming. Instead we should look for books where gender isn’t relevant so kids see a world without the gender constructs FIRST and then see the social boxes as limiting and artificial later. To start with specifying what the boxes are seems to set the stage for reinforcing gender as it is in our culture with a footnote that you can be different. Maybe for older kids those books work but for up to age 5/6 they’re counter productive.
On the positive side, the authors use of ARLO is great and that’s good advice.
While there is *some* good content here, the author also has some of her facts wrong. For example, she claims that baby boys cry more and longer than baby girls. I’m doing so, she “educates” parents that their boys are going to be “harder” than their soft, gentle girls. When I researched this, I found scholarly articles that flatly showed that there is NO gender based difference in crying frequency, intensity and so on. I found it irresponsible at best to perpetuate such a stereotype in the face of contrary empirical evidence. Furthermore, she says that fighting and violence are “natural” for boys and we should accept this and provide them with toy guns and the like so they can play violent killing games that are “natural” for them. Her evidence for this is that other (presumably socialized) pronates play violently so we should expect our boys to as well. Huh? So if gorillas do it now it’s ok? Head spinner. In fact, I’d argue that we should not tolerate violence, weapons or killing games as part of play. This is not play. Our kids don’t need to practice killing one another. And to encourage the use of weapons in the home ignores the seriousness of the tool in acts of violence. I’d say we should prohibit and (gasp!) shame violent play as unacceptable. We can’t expect to have a pacifist society if we’re still teaching kids that killing is all in good fun. My final issue with this book (if it’s not enough already) is the list of books we’re supposed to read with our kids. Most of them START by reinforcing the gender binary. If I want to raise my child in an open way, I don’t need to first tell them: ok, you’re a BOY and this is what BOYS are like. But if you want to be different that’s ok. This is in itself a form of shaming. Instead we should look for books where gender isn’t relevant so kids see a world without the gender constructs FIRST and then see the social boxes as limiting and artificial later. To start with specifying what the boxes are seems to set the stage for reinforcing gender as it is in our culture with a footnote that you can be different. Maybe for older kids those books work but for up to age 5/6 they’re counter productive.
On the positive side, the authors use of ARLO is great and that’s good advice.
August 23, 2019
I thought this book was just okay. It’s a very basic primer on the concepts of gender identity, assigned sex, and gender stereotypes. If you already have a basic understanding of those ideas, you can probably skip this book. It is a decent book for someone who is brand new to the whole idea.
I agree with some of the other reviewers that this book could use additional copy editing for typos & simple grammatical errors, but none of them effected my understanding of the text.
I appreciated the section about “ARLO” dialog (Ask, Reflect, Listen, Observe) as a good general practice for communicating with kids & helping them develop their own ideas. Additionally, the last chapter with some script ideas for how to address negative comments or naysayers was helpful.
I agree with some of the other reviewers that this book could use additional copy editing for typos & simple grammatical errors, but none of them effected my understanding of the text.
I appreciated the section about “ARLO” dialog (Ask, Reflect, Listen, Observe) as a good general practice for communicating with kids & helping them develop their own ideas. Additionally, the last chapter with some script ideas for how to address negative comments or naysayers was helpful.
February 13, 2022
A really helpful read. (Read with my spouse while pregnant.) It’s clearly a little dated with terminology (i.e. she doesn’t illustrate a firm grasp/use of terms like “they/them,” GNC, or “nonbinary,” but it’s not distractingly so) but the theory is sound in that it: prioritizes children’s agency, encourages parents to give up control over kids, and centers gender curiosity as a must for all people, not just for parents of kids who “might” be trans. It’s not reactive, it’s gentle, and my spouse and I had some great conversations while reading.
Would love an edited, second edition.
Would love an edited, second edition.
July 28, 2024
3.5
A good primer for parenting kids this way and allowing conversation and their preferences to be your priority.
A good primer for parenting kids this way and allowing conversation and their preferences to be your priority.
February 17, 2017
While the author does get into some good points and bring up concrete ways to talk to kids, the book reads more like an undergraduate-level research/position paper than a book. I got the paperback and the formatting is terrible - she even specifically references colors in black and white images. Plus, the text could have used another round (or two) of copy edits.
December 31, 2014
I'm glad I got this for cheap for the Kindle. This is probably only good for the absolute beginner. I self-identify as a feminist, and I've been following feminist blogs and other spaces for years. There was only one thing in this book that I wasn't already VERY familiar with.
The ARLO concept of talking to children through things is the only useful concept I gleaned from this book. The rest of it is just a very basic overview of concepts that I am very familiar with in my reading and learning over the years. Instead of reading this book, I recommend following feministing, Shakesville, Hathor Legacy, and other great feminist spaces. I've read better articles on Salon and Jezebel than this book.
If you don't know anything about gender bias and gender stereotyping, then this would be a very basic beginning book to read.
For anyone else, you are probably already aware of everything discussed in this book. The book is extremely short. I guess you could give it to other people to read who just have no idea about any of the basic concepts discussed within it.
The ARLO concept of talking to children through things is the only useful concept I gleaned from this book. The rest of it is just a very basic overview of concepts that I am very familiar with in my reading and learning over the years. Instead of reading this book, I recommend following feministing, Shakesville, Hathor Legacy, and other great feminist spaces. I've read better articles on Salon and Jezebel than this book.
If you don't know anything about gender bias and gender stereotyping, then this would be a very basic beginning book to read.
For anyone else, you are probably already aware of everything discussed in this book. The book is extremely short. I guess you could give it to other people to read who just have no idea about any of the basic concepts discussed within it.
July 11, 2015
This is an excellent little book for those looking into gender-neutral parenting for the first time. Maybe you're sick of seeing children's clothing, toy, and bookstores divided into two distinct categories. Maybe you just want to be a little more measured in your approach. Lucas-Stannard walks us through the reasons for choosing to parent in more neutral ways, to support kids in both normative and gender non-conforming behaviour, so long as that behaviour is their own. I gave the book to my sister shortly after she had her child and although she snarked at the bits relating to biology (because she is a Biology teacher in high school), she said she liked it overall. My one caveat about this book is that it clearly started out as a series of blog posts, so there are issues (such as grey-scale pictures in the book being referred to by colour) where the content hasn't been translated well from one format to the other.
December 27, 2015
I enjoyed it immensely, it is honest, practical and quite interesting as it is seen from an ally/cisgender parent perspective. Not often do I find a book that would be so loving and respecting to diversity. That said, there are a few things that discourage me from giving if 5 stars. First it's the nomenclature and purpose use of "cisgendered" and "transgendered" as if these were results of some actions, not characteristics. Second, although it mentions intersex children it falls into the category of "trans vs cis" publications were a lot more focus should be put on these children that do not necessarily fall biologically into binary categories that are easily distinguished.
In any case, I highly recommend it to anyone who is curious about the idea of gender neutral parenting, whether you want to just study it or have it become a part of your experience as a parent.
In any case, I highly recommend it to anyone who is curious about the idea of gender neutral parenting, whether you want to just study it or have it become a part of your experience as a parent.
January 3, 2015
Good introduction
A short simple intro to gender neutral parenting. Lays the groundwork for those interested in this parenting style. I would recommend it to all parents.
A short simple intro to gender neutral parenting. Lays the groundwork for those interested in this parenting style. I would recommend it to all parents.
September 19, 2014
I felt like most of this is common sense, but it's good to reinforce some ideas
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