Unfiltered comic relief. OTT ornery heroine. This series gets better with each re-reading. Arianna (Mouth) incites and stamps her personal brand of crazy. Jordan Silver writes, over protective heroes that revere their mothers.
Roberto contacts his old friend Patrick (Poppy) for help.
“I've got it covered it’s my baby girl; you remember Arianna yes?”
“I need to send her to you for safe keeping until I send my enemies to hell where they belong. Word is him and his brother concocted a scheme to force my little angel into marriage with one of their sons.”
“She just turned eighteen; the thing is she somehow got wind of it and is out for blood. The girl fancies herself to be some sort of gangster, my f-ing idiot brother's always filling her head with sh*t. Instead of baby dolls and tiaras he had her playing with epees and shuriken. While I was busy building an empire that f-k was turning my kid into his nephew”.
“If she wasn't my kid I would've capped her a long time ago does that answer?”
“Send her to me, I'll straighten her out.” Little did he know while he made that pledge to his old friend that things would change almost overnight.
Shane Flanagan (Prince of the City) is feared. Arianna Rossi...dwells upstairs of a pub that he’d just ‘requisitioned’ from its previous owner. He needed her place so she had to go. He owned enough residential buildings, but no. She had to dig in her heels giving him sh*t about tenant’s rights and lease laws. His little stepbrother James went to see her for the one hundredth time and apparently shot him in the a*s. That's why I'm here now in my office at my new pub, sitting across from the pain in the a*s. "So Miss. Rossi, we meet again." Crazy lady rolled her eyes at me. I looked over to my right hand man Michael who seemed to be having trouble not laughing. Of course he would find this shit funny, his wife, my sister Sophia wasn't much better in the crazy stacks. In fact all the bitches around here seemed to either be on the rag or plum
NC-ing nuts. Except my ma, ma was an angel among women. Dad's a heart surgeon, he's as far removed from this as you can get. I take lives, he saves them. We have running debates on the subject every Sunday at the dinner table, but that's for another time. Right now I'm trying to figure out what to do with 'the mouth'.
"Why did you shoot my little brother?"
"Do you know who I am Miss. Rossi?"
"Yeah yeah, the big bad Shaney Flanagan, so what?" Did she just call me Shaney?
"You read Sun Tzu? Just wondering why a little girl like you would be reading the Art of war." "Because I have to deal with dumb mf-ers every day, next question." I can't off someone who's touched, ma would have my hide.
"Well, did you have anything else to ask me, some of us actually work for a living?" "You still haven't told me why you shot him." "Oh that, I didn't like the cut of his pants , people shouldn't wear their butt crack for the world to see, first of all it's tacky as all hell and secondly it's unsanitary , why the CDC haven't cried outbreak on that sh*t yet is beyond me."
"Are you on some kind of medication for this shit lady?" "What sh*t, you think I'm crazy cause I'm not afraid of you Capone?" He put his head in his hand and started muttering under his breath, I think he was saying the Latin mass, sounded like something I'd heard in church eons ago. "What difference does it make, you’re not going to believe me over your precious brother anyway, and I hate wasting my breath, you never know when you'll end up in an enclosed room with no air, and you'll wish you'd saved that wasted breath." Okay I heard that loud and clear this time; he'd muttered an insult under his breath but not far enough under.
"Well if you wish I'd save my breath this time stop asking me questions." The big guy in the corner was red faced and he kept puffing out his cheeks, I think he might be constipated, poor thing. "He put his hands ...somewhere he shouldn't."
"Not much to tell, he grabbed my a*s, I gave him the impression I was interested and wanted to go put on something sexy just so I could get to my gun in the other room, at which time he saw said gun and tried to run, that's why he got it in the a*s and not the balls." "You were going to shoot him in the nuts for touching your a*s?" "My a*s, my territory, I call the shots."
"Get his a*s in here."
Well, if you're having a family reunion I need to be going I've got sh*t to do." "Sit down Rossi."
"Look buddy, you might have all day to sit around and pal around, but I've got to make a living. And since you've closed down this pub where I made that living, I need to hit the pavement to find a job. Capisce? "
"Maybe we can work out the same kind of arrangement you had with the old man." "What kind of arrangement?" "I don't know, what kind of arrangement did you have, I mean your rent is a joke, no way that's the going rate in this neighborhood even if it is a piece a shit. So you must've been paying it off some other way, plus he gave you a job right downstairs, pretty cushy if you ask me." "Are you implying, ...did you just, ... where's my gun? Hey you, in the corner, let me see your gun for a minute?" "Ahhhh."
"Would you settle down?" "No I will not settle down, I'm eighteen years old; Paulie has to be a hundred and ten and you're implying that I slept with him for a job and a subpar apartment? How dare you?"
"What am I gonna do with you?"
"Let me go find a job”.
“Is waitressing your only qualification?” "I'm in school, waitressing is flexible and it pays well."
"How about I give you a job in one of my clubs or restaurants whatever you choose, I'm sure you'll be making a hell of a lot more than you were here.”
"What's the catch?" "I need you to move out of here in a week, I’ll hook you up with a nicer place for the same money you're paying here. Do we have a deal?" "Two things, first I have to see the apartment and the club, and second as long as you remember my last name is Rossi and not Magdalene."
"I think that's the lady in the bible..."
"Just like that, after two weeks of your bs?"
"You didn't ask before, you ordered." "Ord...are you f-ing sh*tting me?" "I sh*t you not."
"I thought you wanted to see your new place?" "Your cheese fall off your cracker Don Corleone?" I knew this bitch was touched, what the f-k was she talking about, cheese and crackers? "You hungry?"
"You're not too bright are you Shane?" "How bout I clock you in that mouth of yours, would you like that?"
"Never mind Rocky, but seriously dude, this place must cost a mint, I paid three fifty a month in rent, there's no way I can afford the rent on this place, are you bent?" "What's the catch, I mean how do you see me paying this off?" "You're really obsessed with me f-ing you aren't you mouth?" "Whatever Tiny." Did she just insult my d-k? "Are you always this difficult?"
"Only when I'm being played." "No one's playing you, this is one of my buildings, I never said where your new place was gonna be, why can't it be here, don't you think you deserve to be in a place like this?"
"When I've earned it yes, until then sayonara."
"You sure that's all there is to it? There’s no secret passage leading from your lair to me, no midnight visits in the dark. I sleep with my nine homes, just saying."
"Have a lot of experience with midnight visits do you?" "Not really no, but since it looks like my caliber of acquaintance is about to change for the worse a girl can never be too careful." Did she just...? "Did you just insult me again?" "Who, lil ole me nevah."
"You want the place or not?" "Of course I want it, but I want a contract in writing that states my nookie is not for sale Repeat, Arianna Rossi's nookie is not up for grabs." I held the bridge of my nose between my fingers where I felt the headache starting. "You want my apartment over the pub?" "I could always drop your a*s in the river; I'm thinking that might be doing a lot of people a favor. In fact I should take out an ad in the paper see if a mf-er would pay me to take you out." "You're horny aren't you?" "It's the only explanation for your crankiness, either that or not enough bran in your breakfast cereal, come on then time's a wasting, let's go look at my new place of employment Don Vito." This chick watched way too much TV.
"Teresa Ricci, Arianna Rossi, she'll be working the floor starting tomorrow night, get Jess to show her the ropes, show her around, explain shit."
"F-d that didn't you, you dog?"
"Why do you say that?"
“Because she gave me the death ray glare. Somehow I pegged you as having better taste than that. She looks like a poodle having a f-Ed up hair day." Oh sh*t, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, mouth had no filter and Teresa was trying to get back on my dick, not gonna happen."Well come on Luca Brasi I have to go pack." "Would you stop with the Godfather shit already?" "Whatever you say Santino, say bye to the happy hooker and let's be out.
“Slow your roll there Nicky Scarfo."
"What did I tell you about that shit?" "Hey that's not from the Godfather; he's a whole other breed of crazy."
He led me upstairs to his office, poured me a cognac and sat behind his desk. "What's this?" "Drink it."
"Who was that jackass you tried to decapitate Tommy Pitera?"
"Gotcha he's a whole other brand a cray,cray, okey dokey." "Your girlfriend told me to go, I don't think Dina was too happy about it though and to tell you the truth if only pigs hang out up there I'd rather keep my section thank you very much. You think I don't know you just insulted me don't you?"
"I don't need your ass on the f-ing floor, how many mf-ers you want me to have to kill?" "Oh my! the light's on but nobody's home."She shook her head like I was a lost cause or some shit. "Say what now."
"Fine, go on the floor, but if I end up killing a mf-er it's on you."
"Oh yeah, who're the other hundred or so on Bugsy Siegel?"
At around three in the morning which was closing time I had Mikey go get her and bring her up to my office.
"My dogs aren't barking, they've crawled into a hole and died." She dropped down on the couch. "Dogs, what dogs, you're not allowed to have dogs in my building." They all started laughing, her, Mikey and Vinnie.
"It's an expression moron, it means my feet hurt."
"You're such a sweetheart, how can I resist?" One clip to the chin, please just one, who could blame me really, crazy a*s nut job. Dogs barking and shit, and those two a-holes weren't any better, laughing their f-ing heads off .
Ambushed on their way home, leaving behind the vestiges of his would-be attackers; good luck with identifying them. Stacco was a dead f-k. "You doing okay there mouth?"
"Oh just peachy, tell me again why it makes more sense for me to catch a ride with you than taking a cab? If I knew I would be trying out for a part in A Bronx tale, I would've dressed more appropriately."
"I'm thinking hanging with you might be detrimental to my health. I don't fare so good when messing with you Lucky Luciano."
I was gonna put a ring on it like the song said, first chance I get even if I have to hog tie her a*s and get her to the church.
"So Machiavelli you've deflowered little old me, what do you plan to do with me now, toss me aside like yesterday's news?" "I plan to drag your a*s in front of a priest as soon as my ma can arrange that shit.""Are you on something, you do know crack kills right?" Yeah, I wanted to spend the next fifty years listening to this sh*t, like I didn't have enough of this when I was a kid, surrounded by crazy a*s women.
"So, who all was shooting at you last night, a disgruntled husband perchance?" she had the nerve to bat her f-ing lashes at me. "I don't poach on other people's territory how insulting." "Don't get your panties in a bunch there Shawna baby, sheesh.
"Sure, why don't I just forget the whole thing, you said something about Stacco, is that the name of a person or a paint job?" "It's Stacco not stucco, stucco is a binder used......." "Yeah I really need a lesson in decorative house art from you right now Professor X." “Did you just call me a mutant?" "If the green fits baby.....hey......"
"Settle the f-k down will ya, damn it's too f-ing early for this shit, now forget everything you heard last night, that's the end of it." "You're a poor demented soul aren't you, bless your heart." I could only sigh and close my eyes to escape the insanity that was my life. "Anyway, I need to go home at some point because I can't work in the same clothes as last night." "My wife isn't working in no f-ing club are you bent." "You be sure and tell that poor beleaguered woman I send my condolences, now back to me and my need for clean clothes." I threw the washcloth at her f-ing head. "Oh thank you." She started washing her arms with it.
His Mum shows up to meet her new daughter with his sisters. His family has an estate that's acres and acres of Flanagan land as far as the eye can see and beyond. Anna and Vinnie built their home there, so did Sophie and Mikey, and of course ma and dad live in the original Flanagan mansion this big old monster that dates back to the seventeen hundreds. Ma insisted that my family home be there as well and since I make it a point never to #$&* with ma, there is where it is, though I spend most of my time at my condo. I'm a bachelor, at least I was until about twenty hours ago.
"Where's James?" "He wasn't feeling too well, I don't know what is going on with that boy, he's been hiding out in his room the last couple weeks."
What happened is that your new daughter put a cap in his a*s and he can't tell you why. Intersperses into remaining books.