Awkward Moments (Not Found in Your Average) Children's Bible, Vol. 1

Awkward Moments Children's Bible #1

by Horus Gilgamesh, Agnes Tickheathen (Illustrator)

#1 Amazon Bestseller—First Day Online!

What began as a private online joke among interfaith friends quickly skyrocketed to meet the demands of the thousands of fans and critics of the controversial work. Within hours, the book became the #1 Bestseller in Amazon's Humor & Religion category! Combining actual Bible verses with more than 30 whimsical original illustrations, Awkward Moments uses humor to encourage people from all walks of life to think, perhaps for the first time, about how the Bible continues to shape our culture.

BEWARE—NOT FOR KIDS! This is definitely "not" your average children's Bible! If you thought the bestseller Go the F**k to Sleep was inappropriate for story-time with kids, you haven't seen anything yet! Leave it to the Bible! "Foreskins fetishes? Unicorn murders? Boiled babies? Messiah, MIA? Selling daughters? Cannibalism club? Genetic breakthroughs? Demonic bacon? Gagged women? Jihad Jesus? You bet! And much more!"

From the opening forewords by Facebook's own God and acclaimed author David G. McAfee, to the challenging commentaries and interactive games at the end, Awkward Moments Children's Bible is much more than an irreverent book for your coffee table! Readers of all faiths will find themselves laughing out loud while being encouraged to think about the Bible in a new way.

Let's be honest—there are some things in the Good Book that are just... awkward! There are verses we'd like to forget or that have been changed throughout the centuries. There are many verses you've never heard before in church, let alone seen in your average children's Bible! Not to mention the verses that have been added over the centuries!

Most people were raised in the faith chosen by their family. Young children learn a few Bible stories taken out of context and accept them without question. "(On what basis could they possibly question their parents or church leaders?)" After decades of repetition and tradition, it's understandable that we might put our beliefs on auto-pilot and just nod as a pastor repeats the verses and ideas that are already familiar and comfortable to us. It's no wonder that recent studies show an incredible lack of Biblical knowledge among Christians—55% unable to even name the four Gospels of the New Testament—"the very foundation of Christianity!"

The goal? Awkward Moments encourages readers to really understand what is in their Bibles and think for themselves about the context of Biblical teaching. The 32 color illustrations and included commentaries will likely challenge some readers to reflect on how religion continues to shape the lives and culture of future generations. If readers happen to laugh out loud and enjoy the interactive puzzles and games in the mean time—"it's just an added bonus!"

Genres: Religion, Humor, Atheism, Nonfiction, Christianity, Comedy, Theology

80 pages, Paperback

First published October 10, 2013

About the author

HORUS GILGAMESH was raised Catholic before being “born again” in college when he began following a calling toward full-time ministry. Early on, his efforts were focused on youth evangelism and Biblical literacy around the world. When he was on a missions trip to Africa, a fearless young boy approached, pleading, “Chakula? Maji?“- the Swahili words for “food” and “water.” Unfortunately, Horus had no food or water to offer the poor child – only Bibles.

A few days later, Horus met a humanitarian relief worker from Spain who shared five simple words of wisdom that would change his life forever – “Empty stomachs have no ears.” Horus realized that he was not meeting the very real needs of the people he was hoping to help – he was struggling to finding a purpose in his own life, as a self righteous servant of his Creator.

To many Christians, the most important gift you could ever give to a man is a chance at eternal life through the Gospel of Jesus Christ – the Living Water. But what about this life? There are billions who would give anything for a drink of regular old H2O.

Over the years, Horus became more interested in critical needs and social justice initiatives, helping those at risk of severe poverty, disease, or violence. The pain and suffering he saw first hand led him to be more and more troubled by God’s apparent disregard for the children of His creation. This led Horus to years of re-studying the Bible for himself, away from the “rose-colored” teachings of any church or seminary. He never returned.

Reviews

[Scott Sheperdson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant! I can't say enough good things about this book. From the truly amazing artwork to the very accessible commentaries, I can't think of another project that will challenge readers to think critically about their thoughts on the Bible.

I have seen some pretty angry reviews over on Amazon from people who haven't actually seen the book (just the illustrations), so I think it is important to point out that while the illustrations lend to the "charm" of this book, almost all of them are clearly meant to go along with the commentaries that are found in the back.

For example, this one goes along with a pretty riveting look at how much the Bible has been "fiddled" with over the ages, pointing out the the most original/authentic text is sometimes changed and mentioned only in the footnotes in specific research Bibles.


And then there are truly awkward illustrations where the illustrator masterfully combines ancient texts with modern cultural references that force the reader to think about the Bible as more than just an "old book".


And then there are the references to issues that still face us today...


I'm blown away more and more each time I pick the book up or buy another copy for a friend. I love the illustrations, but the analysis in the back of the book is what truly makes this book receive FIVE BIG STARS!

The ONLY thing I didn't like about the book was the foreword by "God". It just seemed out of place, disjointed, not really funny or insightful. It didn't need it.

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilariously awkward bible moments and nicely done artwork. Those easily offended pluck out your eyes, or don't read the book. Not for children.

[Dave Shepherd · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a Christian, I was pretty skeptical at first, thinking this was just going to be another angry atheist expose of some sort. I was ready for a fight. In reality, it is a pretty challenging read. Not in its use of big words, but in its ability to challenge the status quo of Biblical illiteracy. At first, I was pretty annoyed with one particular illustration. In reality, it is now my favorite as it helped me realize I was being pretty myopic about who Jesus was. The only thing I hate about this book is that they had "God" write a foreword to what is an otherwise thoughtful, respectful, funny book. (It's like having the Hamburlgaler write the foreword to the Joy of Cooking.) We've actually used a couple of the illustrations in our church. Worth every penny, can't wait for the next one!

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I forgot I had this book and reread it. Loved it all over again. It's a perfect way to show just how ridiculous it is to think the Bible is anything other than a bunch of short stories written by old men living in caves and herding sheep.

[Tiffany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Alright, first some good things: I loved the illustrations. They're hilarious. At first they appear to be just the normal, brightly colored pictures you'd find in any children's book... and then you realize you're looking at Adam sprawled out in a bathtub on a bed of ice, surrounded by bloody towels. That Moses is standing on the Ark with a martini. That there's a demon-pig falling off a cliff with smoke streaming from its nostrils.

I learned some things, too. I was already familiar with the horrid story in which Lot offers his daughters up to be gang-raped to keep the men of Sodom away from his angelic guests (as if angels couldn't defend themselves), and I knew that the suffering of Job was all because of a cosmic bet. But I never knew Jacob did early genetic experiments involving having his cattle mate in front of painted trees so they'd be born striped and spotted, or that David bought a princess bride for the price of 200 bloody foreskins ... um, gross?

And then there's how some of it is just so damn funny. I'm generally a fan of any book containing the passage:

"The Bible was a literary work cobbled together by monks and politicians over many centuries. So it's important to remember that everything in the Bible is nonsense and not at all the LORD'S fault."

Then there's, "Before Er could get his wife pregnant, God killed him for being offensive." (The idea of such a volatile and capricious god is at once hilarious and terrifying.)

But now on to the one thing that stood out ALL OVER THIS BOOK and drove me absolutely mad -- EXTRANEOUS COMMAS, MUCH? This book clearly did not have an editor. An editor would know that it is not necessary to stick a comma after every "So", or "Then", or "But". (In spite of the fact that I just did it.) An editor would also know that the word is "hippie", not "hippy." Both are words, but they mean two entirely different things.

Maybe I shouldn't pick on grammar so much -- after all, there are probably grammar errors all over this post. But UGH! In a BOOK?! Nothing drives me more insane. NOTHING.

I also think that the explanations for the stories should have been brought into the main body of the book itself, each explanation after its respective story, instead of crammed in the back in tiny, tiny print. Save the eyes! Give context right after the reading so that things make sense!

All in all, though, a fun, light read with some not-so-light points. You'll get a chuckle. You'll learn something.

Moses with a martini ...

[Pat Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unique, engaging, challenging, and smart! The first one of these I saw was the "poke" at creationists with the livestock mating in front of striped trees (to get striped offspring). I couldn't stop laughing! The second one I saw online was the modern-day retelling of a young virgin, raped and forced to marry her attacker.

This book might seem silly, but it is profoundly powerful - especially if you take the time to read the commentaries and understand the importance in modern culture. This is NOT just a goofy book meant for kids. I was absolutely glued to it from cover to cover and ended up in a three hour conversation about it with the person sitting next to me on the plane. (I think that is exactly what the author had in mind, really...) I just bought three for Christmas gifts! Bravo!

[John Michael Strubhart · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Thoughtful Expose Of An Atrocious Book

It's good to examine the justifications for any belief that you have. If The Holy Bible is your justification for your religious beliefs, try actually reading it critically from an outsider's point of view. If you're a reasonable person, you will - at the very least - be quite troubled at what it says. Don't give me the song and dance about having to study it under "proper supervision" either. You have a brain. Use it.

[Dave Sippel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Twisted and offensive or twisted and hilarious? Depends on who you ask. We are all familiar with the commonly known Biblical stories and quotes, but there is plenty in the Good Book that is less often talked about.

1. Forty two young boys torn apart by bears after they insult a prophet by calling him "baldy." Check.
2. God tried to kill Moses but changed his mind after Zipporah rubbed their son's bloody foreskin on her husband's feet. Check.
3. It is "disgraceful" for a woman to speak while in church. If she has a question, she can only ask her husband once they are at home. Check.

At the end of the book there are brief commentaries from the authors about the stories. They ask us to think about the stories that were presented and apply their lessons to today. Are these stories that we still want to follow?

[Thor Stambaugh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally

The hardest thing to discuss with Christians is their own ignorance of the bible. Here we have a wonderful series of biblical quotes and stories that speak powerfully as to contradictions.foolishness.and downright idiocy. The apologists cannot stretch or twist the meaning and must simply ignore it or lie about it. Simply written and illustrated even a child or a mentally deficient person can understand the points.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can't wait for volume 2!

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

KU

[JL Thornton · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a hard book to rate bc it's part absurdist children's book and part biblical commentary with a healthy dose of skepticism and critical thinking specifically focused on pointing out the parts of the Bible that people like to gloss over (and addressing the often horrific nature of the stories that get turned into children's bibles). Honestly, the chosen verses and cartoon-y illustration to go with them are funny and clever, and I actually really appreciated the commentary, especially when the author got into the roots of the language, the cultural contexts, and the connections to modern and historical movements and beliefs. Wish it was longer, though, because it was over too soon and without as much depth as I wanted. But considering it's meant to be more humorous than substancial, that's not a terrible thing. Definitely a creative, witty, and absurd read that takes a sharp look at such a famous and lauded text.

[Carl Fischer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like satire -- especially when it makes people uncomfortable by challenging long or deeply held beliefs. This book is dry and biting satire about biblical stories many of us learned as children, captured in the format of a "Children's Bible." Note the title includes the language Not Found in Your Average. It's not appropriate for young kids -- but then again, neither is the original. The illustrations are cute but violent and graphic. The content focuses on all the atrocities my church glossed over in Sunday school.

This book is a counter-balance to all the Children's Bibles that gloss over unpleasantries in the original Bible -- both OT and NT. Don't expect a "fair treatment". It's one-sided by design.

[Dang · Rating 5 out of 5]

The artwork is wonderfully reminiscent of religious works I saw as a child. The beauty of the book is that it shows parts of The Bible that many adults never get around to reading. I wouldn't be surprised if many would deny they are even in The Bible, which just goes to show that there are many believers who haven't read, or absorbed, the book in its entirety. However, this book isn't about cherry picking. The verses are consistent with, and highlight, the entire chapter from which they are taken.

[Shelli Black Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this book when the Kindle version was offered for free. It's not such an easy read on the Kindle; there's an awful lot of bouncing back and forth between the "front" and "back" of the book. Took a while to get the hang of it. It's worth it to browse through the entire book once, before trying to read it as it's meant to be read in the paper version.

Aside from the Kindle problem, this is actually a very good book. Very informative with excellent sources. The drawings were both funny and poignant. I can't wait for the 2nd installment!

[Dustin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Utterly brilliant!

It's as though Gilgamesh & Tickheathen were reading my mind as I read through the Bible. So many WTF moments that have been passed down and translated and re-translated were presented perfectly here with the new modern translation by Gilgamesh and incredible illustrations by Tickheathen.

I will keep this out on my coffee table for everyone to enjoy, and I look forward to volume 2.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm so conflicted on this billion

Irreverent. Funny. Heretical. Thought provoking. Terrifying. Illustrated. Bloody. Minimizing. Clever. Valid. Interesting. Tricky.
I'm still not sure. But I will be going to my Bible and doing some research

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW, what a book!!! A quick, fun and colourful way to learn more about the bible, the Abrahamic god and Jesus than you would from decades of going to church. I look forward to volume 2.

[Spencer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very funny and entertaining look at the more awkward moments in the bible with some brilliant illustrations, some of which I will now look to see if I can get them as prints!

[Fox Bragg · Rating 4 out of 5]

why am i an atheist, this book can give some insight

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

Puts many thing from the Bible that people like to ignore into public view. In depth analysis in the back too!

[Brandon Kazimir · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a brilliant concept.

Bought this a while ago after seeing a hilarious excerpt from it online and researching where it came from, but only got around to reading it now. What I really loved about this and was not expecting is that at the end of the book, there is a thoughtful explanation of each verse/illustration portrayed and the purpose for its inclusion, which will take you longer to read than the illustrated pages themselves and ends up being the meat of the book (for me, at least).

I love books like this that use The Bible and scripture itself as a weapon against itself, rather than outside sources. I've been aware of many oddities and morally questionable things included in The Bible for some time, but this introduced me to even more, such as: Jesus commanding us to hate our families, saints being resurrected along with Jesus, and the fact that the snake in the garden of Eden is never referred to as being Satan (despite the fact that we are raised to believe that was the case).

Also, I will never be the same after doing some research about The Greater Questions of Mary, which is casually mentioned in this book, and discovering a passage from it that is absolutely insane. Please look up the Wikipedia page "Borborites" and look at its "Teachings" section. You can clearly see why this gospel was not included in The Bible, but it still calls into question who had the authority to make that decision and the decisions about the inclusion or exclusion of every gospel, and what gave them that right.

I will say that there are a number of typos in the explanations section at the end of the book, which is always a huge pet peeve of mine. When the number of errors exceeds two or three, you start to wonder if there was any proofreading before it went off for printing, but it is just a minor detraction to the overall book and easy to look past with how much I enjoyed it. Still, I'm hoping the other two volumes are cleaned up a bit better.

[Knokkelmann · Rating 4 out of 5]

My son (8) came back from school one day and had learnt about Noah's Ark. I asked him if it was OK with all the drowned people. "Yes, because they were all bad people"

He doesn't believe in God but I realized that even in 2021 they are still teaching these biblical stories as if they are all morally good.

So I found this book that I bought before he was born, and after some thinking I decided to read it for him.

The strength is that we get stories from both OT and NT. I am quite familiar with the bible, so most of it was known to me, but I reckon the ending of Mark vs Luke could be difficult for some to understand.
I had an actual bible at hand just to show that this is the real deal, and obviously ran into translation issues and also saw that sometimes the text had probably been modernized too.

Should I even read this for kids??

It's clearly marked that it's not for children, and I pointed this out to him. Personally I had only considered the typical demonic pigs stories, but I had to think a little before going on with the OT laws on rape and stuff. (I just read it right out without dwelling too much on it.)

I think for the knowledgeable parent who can distinguish between 1. OT/NT 2. laws/stories and 3. text and actual/common Christian beliefs, this is worth reading for kids.

It's good to show that there are some nasty stories and morals in the bible too.

But if you aren't familiar with the bible, then you can end up painting an unfair picture of modern Christians who might not even have read much of the bible at all.

Overall nice illustrations too.

[JJ Waggy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I get it, I do, I get the joke. I even really like the juxtaposition of cutesy drawings and horrifying verses and how that draws attention to what we teach kids and how. I also very much appreciate the info in the back for further reading and at least some context.

But I'm tired of Religion For Shock Value; as Gilgamesh's acknowledgements section amply points out (the tone and direction of the book made a lot of sense after reading that), it's been done. A lot. Several of the verses and all of the explanations in the back are Gilgamesh's own evangelism, which is totally fine but again, tiresome to read. (There's also a verse from the author himself simply slipped in, the only cheerful one, and I have no idea what that ego trip was about. Cute unicorns, but what on earth was that other than "hahaha see I'm nicer than that evil bible," which is...a choice, sure.)

A colleague of mine bought this out of sheer curiosity, I flipped through it out of the same, and I will have zero engagement in it further--rather than stirring conversation, this is an angry teenager's coffee table book. I know, I know, I shouldn't be expecting thoughtfulness from this, but given the effectiveness of the hook of its framing, I still wish for it.

[Tom French · Rating 5 out of 5]

I followed Horus WAY back in the days when we'd have discussions on the internet -- remember that? Oh, how I loved his humorous take on the Bible and Christianity!

This book is a gem! It takes the most ghastly, horrible stories in the Bible and illustrates them like a children's book! It's dark and funny and wonderful -- it's also thought-provoking, interesting, and intelligent. It's one thing to mock something and laugh -- it's quite another to poke fun at something and then connect that to a larger lesson.

All three of these books are genius, but I regularly give this first book as a gift.

Highly recommend!

[Ron Badgerow III · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pretty great. Growing up a fundamentalist Protestant Christian, I can completely relate to the humor in this book. He may have gone a little too far on some things, but a wise man once said, "If you haven't gone too far, then you haven't gone far enough." 😉
A must read for all the deconstructing and irreverent alike! 😊

[Shecola · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome!

I loved everything about this book..... A great book about bible facts. I enjoyed all the jokes and illustrations. Nicely done

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

More!

I would have given it five stars but I wanted more! I will now go read the second book and hope for a full series.

[Mistress of the Bleeding Sorrow · Rating 3 out of 5]

The illustrations are hilarious. Loved it!!!

[Iveta · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best Confirmation gift!