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Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You
Protect your child from alienation and loyalty conflicts.
During and after a difficult divorce, it’s easy for your relationship with your kids to become strained—especially if you are dealing with a toxic ex who bad-mouths you in front of your children, accuses you of being a bad parent, and even attempts to “replace” you with a new partner in your children’s lives. Your children may become confused, conflicted, angry, anxious, or depressed—and you may feel powerless. But there is help.
In this guide, you’ll discover a positive parenting approach to dealing with a hostile ex-spouse. You'll learn the best ways to protect your children from painful loyalty conflicts, how to avoid parental alienation syndrome, and techniques for talking to your children in a way that fosters honesty and trust. Co-parenting with a toxic ex can be challenging, but with the right tools you can protect your kids and make your relationship with them stronger than ever.
During and after a difficult divorce, it’s easy for your relationship with your kids to become strained—especially if you are dealing with a toxic ex who bad-mouths you in front of your children, accuses you of being a bad parent, and even attempts to “replace” you with a new partner in your children’s lives. Your children may become confused, conflicted, angry, anxious, or depressed—and you may feel powerless. But there is help.
In this guide, you’ll discover a positive parenting approach to dealing with a hostile ex-spouse. You'll learn the best ways to protect your children from painful loyalty conflicts, how to avoid parental alienation syndrome, and techniques for talking to your children in a way that fosters honesty and trust. Co-parenting with a toxic ex can be challenging, but with the right tools you can protect your kids and make your relationship with them stronger than ever.
224 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2014
271 people are currently reading
794 people want to read
About the author
Amy J.L. Baker
13 books27 followersI was born in Philly and went to college in at Bennington and then Barnard. I graduated from Teachers College Columbia University with a doctorate in Developmental Psychology. I am currently the director of research at the Fontana Center for Child Protection in New York City. I am the author or co-author of several books and close to a 100 publications. My areas of specialization include parent-child relationships, child abuse, psychological maltreatment, and parental alienation. I am an expert witness in court cases around the country and provide parenting coaching.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
March 9, 2015
General co-parenting books are not going to cover the specific struggles of co-parenting with a toxic ex. Authors Amy J L Baker and Paul R Fine provide information about positive parenting techniques with sections that range from "Five Components of Successful Family Meetings" to "Nine Ways to Be Involved in Your Child's Education That Don't Require Your Ex's Approval."
Baker and Fine also impart useful suggestions for situations such as when your child states "My dad told me, so it must be true!" or when your child's response to your new relationship is "Mommy says she loves me too much to start a new family." The authors emphasize the opportunities presented in these situations to provide your child with the information, love, and support they need. The list of resources and worksheets make this book indispensable to anyone co-parenting with a toxic ex.
Read my full review (with link to my published article) here: http://www.ivoryowlreviews.blogspot.c...
Baker and Fine also impart useful suggestions for situations such as when your child states "My dad told me, so it must be true!" or when your child's response to your new relationship is "Mommy says she loves me too much to start a new family." The authors emphasize the opportunities presented in these situations to provide your child with the information, love, and support they need. The list of resources and worksheets make this book indispensable to anyone co-parenting with a toxic ex.
Read my full review (with link to my published article) here: http://www.ivoryowlreviews.blogspot.c...
November 14, 2014
Every page made me more confident that my problems are real, and I am doing positive things for my kids. Very relevant.
June 14, 2018
For Grandparents Too
While intended to help the parent disrespected by the angry “ex,” the advice Baker gives is very helpful to an alienated or disrespected grandparent who has been an important person in the child’s life. Tips on how to proceed are sobering, but vital in maintaining a positive relationship.
While intended to help the parent disrespected by the angry “ex,” the advice Baker gives is very helpful to an alienated or disrespected grandparent who has been an important person in the child’s life. Tips on how to proceed are sobering, but vital in maintaining a positive relationship.
March 20, 2022
Book is mistitled. It’s mostly about parenting a child who you are estranged from. It also embraces the abuser’s narrative of “alienation” and fails to distinguish children who are justifiably estranged from one parent (eg, the child directly observed the estranged parent’s abuse/maltreatment of the primary parent).
That MASSIVE failure of distinction is fatal. It is the tool of abusers to blame every estranged child on a “bitter ex” and raise false “alienation” claims. Children are humans, and they do not owe anyone their love or vulnerability.
This book is NOT about coparenting with a toxic ex.
That MASSIVE failure of distinction is fatal. It is the tool of abusers to blame every estranged child on a “bitter ex” and raise false “alienation” claims. Children are humans, and they do not owe anyone their love or vulnerability.
This book is NOT about coparenting with a toxic ex.
December 6, 2018
Δεν το έχω βιώσει ώστε να έχω καθαρή και αντικειμενική προσωπική άποψη -όσο προσωπική άποψη μπορεί να έχει κανείς πάνω σ' αυτό το θέμα-, αλλά έχοντας φίλους και συγγενείς, στο ευρύτερο περιβάλλον μου, που έχουν χωρίσει, έχω δει όλων των ειδών τα διαζύγια, με διαφορετικές επιπτώσεις στον καθένα, είτε μιλάμε για ενήλικες είτε για παιδιά. Γιατί, αναμφίβολα, κανένα διαζύγιο δεν είναι εύκολο ή ευχάριστο, απλά υπάρχουν και ορισμένα που μπορούν ν' αποδειχθούν πραγματικός εφιάλτης, ειδικά όταν υπάρχουν διαφορές ανάμεσα στο ζευγάρι, διαφορές που δεν έχουν -αν όχι και οι δύο, έστω ο ένας- την πρόθεση να τις λύσουν, αν και έχουν υποχρέωση να το κάνουν από σεβασμό τόσο απέναντι στον ίδιο τους τον εαυτό και τα χρόνια που αφιέρωσαν σε μία σχέση, μα πολύ περισσότερο απέναντι στα παιδιά τους.
Η παιδοψυχολόγος Amy J.L Baker, ειδική στον σύνδρομο της γονικής αποξένωσης, και ο κλινικός κοινωνικός λειτουργός Paul R. Fine, ενώνουν τις δυνάμεις τους, λοιπόν, δημιουργώντας τον απόλυτο οδηγό για το πως μπορείτε -και πρέπει- να αντιμετωπίσετε έναν τοξικό πρώην, ειδικά όταν αυτός και η κακή συμπεριφορά του επηρεάζουν συναισθηματικά και ψυχολογικά το παιδί σας, ή ακόμα χειρότερα επηρεάζουν την σχέση που εσείς ο ίδιος έχετε παλέψει να χτίσετε με το παιδί και που τώρα πρέπει να παλέψετε για να διατηρήσετε, όχι απλά σε ένα τυπικό, κανονιστικό επίπεδο, αλλά σε ένα βαθύτερο, πιο ουσιαστικό και γεμάτο κατανόηση και αγάπη. Μπορεί να νομίζουμε ορισμένες φορές πως τα παιδιά δεν έχουν πλήρη αντίληψη του τι συμβαίνει, όμως αυτό είναι λάθος. Έχουν πλήρη αντίληψη, απλά, αυτή, μπορεί πολύ εύκολα να διαστρεβλωθεί με λανθασμένους χειρισμούς και κατευθύνσεις.
Τα παιδιά είναι πολύ θετικοί δέκτες, τόσο των αρνητικών όσο και των θετικών επιρροών που μπορούν να τους ασκηθούν, οπότε έτσι οφείλουμε και να τα αντιμετωπίζουμε, εστιάζοντας πάντα σε όλα αυτά που απαιτούνται προκειμένου να στηρίξουμε τη μεταξύ μας σχέση, μα και να τα προστατέψουμε μπροστά σε γεγονότα και καταστάσεις που μπορούν να τα καταστήσουν ευάλωτα και αβοήθητα, με αποτέλεσμα να πληγωθούν χωρίς να υπάρχει πραγματικά λόγος για να συμβεί κάτι τέτοιο. Αν, λοιπόν, θέλετε την καθοδήγηση κάποιων ειδικών σχετικά με το πως να διαχειριστείτε το παιδί σας μπροστά σε μία τέτοια κρίση, καθώς και τα συναισθήματα και των δυο σας, μα και έναν πρώην που προσπαθεί να σας λαβώσει σε κάθε πρώτη ευκαιρία, τότε το βιβλίο αυτό μπορεί να είναι η λύση και η ψυχοθεραπεία σας.
Η παιδοψυχολόγος Amy J.L Baker, ειδική στον σύνδρομο της γονικής αποξένωσης, και ο κλινικός κοινωνικός λειτουργός Paul R. Fine, ενώνουν τις δυνάμεις τους, λοιπόν, δημιουργώντας τον απόλυτο οδηγό για το πως μπορείτε -και πρέπει- να αντιμετωπίσετε έναν τοξικό πρώην, ειδικά όταν αυτός και η κακή συμπεριφορά του επηρεάζουν συναισθηματικά και ψυχολογικά το παιδί σας, ή ακόμα χειρότερα επηρεάζουν την σχέση που εσείς ο ίδιος έχετε παλέψει να χτίσετε με το παιδί και που τώρα πρέπει να παλέψετε για να διατηρήσετε, όχι απλά σε ένα τυπικό, κανονιστικό επίπεδο, αλλά σε ένα βαθύτερο, πιο ουσιαστικό και γεμάτο κατανόηση και αγάπη. Μπορεί να νομίζουμε ορισμένες φορές πως τα παιδιά δεν έχουν πλήρη αντίληψη του τι συμβαίνει, όμως αυτό είναι λάθος. Έχουν πλήρη αντίληψη, απλά, αυτή, μπορεί πολύ εύκολα να διαστρεβλωθεί με λανθασμένους χειρισμούς και κατευθύνσεις.
Τα παιδιά είναι πολύ θετικοί δέκτες, τόσο των αρνητικών όσο και των θετικών επιρροών που μπορούν να τους ασκηθούν, οπότε έτσι οφείλουμε και να τα αντιμετωπίζουμε, εστιάζοντας πάντα σε όλα αυτά που απαιτούνται προκειμένου να στηρίξουμε τη μεταξύ μας σχέση, μα και να τα προστατέψουμε μπροστά σε γεγονότα και καταστάσεις που μπορούν να τα καταστήσουν ευάλωτα και αβοήθητα, με αποτέλεσμα να πληγωθούν χωρίς να υπάρχει πραγματικά λόγος για να συμβεί κάτι τέτοιο. Αν, λοιπόν, θέλετε την καθοδήγηση κάποιων ειδικών σχετικά με το πως να διαχειριστείτε το παιδί σας μπροστά σε μία τέτοια κρίση, καθώς και τα συναισθήματα και των δυο σας, μα και έναν πρώην που προσπαθεί να σας λαβώσει σε κάθε πρώτη ευκαιρία, τότε το βιβλίο αυτό μπορεί να είναι η λύση και η ψυχοθεραπεία σας.
November 6, 2022
Divorce/ separation are always difficult, and especially when there are children involved. At times indeed, the resent and battles that have been going on between those that were once a couple can tickle down to their kids, cornered into loyalty conflicts when not being fully manipulated to be alienated from a mother or father. How can you cope? How can you cope in ways which preserve, as best as can be, a positive relationship with your child(ren) when contact has not been fully cut off (yet?)?
This book is underpinned by two premises which are crucial.
First, that these 'toxic' forms of co-parenting can be deliberate... or not. This bears reminding: some parents, through their behaviours, are harming their children without even being aware of it, as much as other parents will respond to such bad co-parenting by other behaviours... which are no less harmful and counterproductive! Whether you are a parent still feeling hostile towards an ex, or, at the receiving end of such hostility (with your children used to get back at you by proxy, then) beware, here, of not engaging in such claptraps. It sounds obvious, yet, in the volatile, frustrating, angering, depressing situations we are talking about it is, of course, everything but.
Then, and most importantly, that the behaviours in question are unfair (and, so, particularly cruel) because they are targeted not against a mother or a father who has been abusive otherwise but, one who has always been safe and loving.
This last point is particularly important. As parental alienation itself remains at the centre of a lot of falsehoods and myths (some ideologues even deny that it exists in the first place!) the authors, a clinician and a researcher, show on the contrary how it differs from situations where real safeguarding concerns are involved that is, children who truly were abused by the side-lined parent. You can deny such form of child abuse and post-separation abuse as much as you want (e.g. claiming that 'it's a tool used by abusive father to further abuse the women and children who left them') but it would be ignoring a blatant reality: that of alienated children not displaying the same behaviours as that of children who really were abused. The authors, of course, list and develop further upon such differences.
What they also list and develop further upon are the various reasons why some parents would co-parent so badly; when and why such sabotaging co-parenting is most likely to occur; the commonest means that they use to effectively turn your child against you; and, again, what you should not do to further damage the situation.
All in all, then, this a very insightful read, very short, intelligently and clearly structured, and that I strongly recommend to anyone facing challenging attitudes from an ex, attempting to sabotage, even, cut you off completely, from the lives of your children. It's a good way to clarify and understand what is happening, besides providing useful tools to try and cope.
This book is underpinned by two premises which are crucial.
First, that these 'toxic' forms of co-parenting can be deliberate... or not. This bears reminding: some parents, through their behaviours, are harming their children without even being aware of it, as much as other parents will respond to such bad co-parenting by other behaviours... which are no less harmful and counterproductive! Whether you are a parent still feeling hostile towards an ex, or, at the receiving end of such hostility (with your children used to get back at you by proxy, then) beware, here, of not engaging in such claptraps. It sounds obvious, yet, in the volatile, frustrating, angering, depressing situations we are talking about it is, of course, everything but.
Then, and most importantly, that the behaviours in question are unfair (and, so, particularly cruel) because they are targeted not against a mother or a father who has been abusive otherwise but, one who has always been safe and loving.
This last point is particularly important. As parental alienation itself remains at the centre of a lot of falsehoods and myths (some ideologues even deny that it exists in the first place!) the authors, a clinician and a researcher, show on the contrary how it differs from situations where real safeguarding concerns are involved that is, children who truly were abused by the side-lined parent. You can deny such form of child abuse and post-separation abuse as much as you want (e.g. claiming that 'it's a tool used by abusive father to further abuse the women and children who left them') but it would be ignoring a blatant reality: that of alienated children not displaying the same behaviours as that of children who really were abused. The authors, of course, list and develop further upon such differences.
What they also list and develop further upon are the various reasons why some parents would co-parent so badly; when and why such sabotaging co-parenting is most likely to occur; the commonest means that they use to effectively turn your child against you; and, again, what you should not do to further damage the situation.
All in all, then, this a very insightful read, very short, intelligently and clearly structured, and that I strongly recommend to anyone facing challenging attitudes from an ex, attempting to sabotage, even, cut you off completely, from the lives of your children. It's a good way to clarify and understand what is happening, besides providing useful tools to try and cope.
June 18, 2018
Like many self-help books most of the prose is focused on identifying the issue. When issues find resonance with the reader emotional dirt gets stirred up. This book is like that. I had to read to the end because unlike the title that states "Tries" my ex has been successful and my kids are 19 and almost 18 and have minds of their own, well the part that isn't taken up by my ex.
However, I learned two valuable strategies. One: if the ex is inferring that I do not care about my children since I am not in their life like before it is not a good idea to hunker down in sadness and prove that the ex is right. And two: the authors make a strong point about forgiveness. If my child suffered a catastrophic. mind altering accident I would still love them even though they would never be the same again.
There is a lot of helpful advice for a parent with young children.
I found the back and forth between he/she for the ex and he/she for the child/children very confusing. I know it takes more work to structure sentences in a genderless way but this book really needed that extra effort.
What was missing was helpful advice for the reader. I already understood how important it is to take the "high" road. I would have liked something that assuaged the hurt while on that road. There is nothing in this book that deals with the emotional pain of the parent.
However, I learned two valuable strategies. One: if the ex is inferring that I do not care about my children since I am not in their life like before it is not a good idea to hunker down in sadness and prove that the ex is right. And two: the authors make a strong point about forgiveness. If my child suffered a catastrophic. mind altering accident I would still love them even though they would never be the same again.
There is a lot of helpful advice for a parent with young children.
I found the back and forth between he/she for the ex and he/she for the child/children very confusing. I know it takes more work to structure sentences in a genderless way but this book really needed that extra effort.
What was missing was helpful advice for the reader. I already understood how important it is to take the "high" road. I would have liked something that assuaged the hurt while on that road. There is nothing in this book that deals with the emotional pain of the parent.
May 9, 2023
The last half of the book was definitely the strongest and had some great practical suggestions. The authors also do a great job outlining specific scenarios and conflicts that are unique to co-parenting following a divorce, such as legal custody battles, holidays, remarriages, etc.
The "toxic ex" seemed to be referred to with male pronouns far more often than female pronouns, despite the authors trying to remain unbiased and equal. I think it could have also benefited from more discussion on how to try to build a collaborative relationship with the ex themselves.
The "toxic ex" seemed to be referred to with male pronouns far more often than female pronouns, despite the authors trying to remain unbiased and equal. I think it could have also benefited from more discussion on how to try to build a collaborative relationship with the ex themselves.
July 17, 2017
So I originally thought this book was about co-parenting, and while it touches on that from time-to-time, it focuses mainly on building a relationship with your child that will stand up to your ex trying to tear it apart. I really enjoyed it. There are, of course, parts that spoke more to me than others, but as a whole it was very helpful. I prefer loving approaches, and this provides them.
July 24, 2021
You’ll be glad you read this!
So much in this book is about helping YOU to have the right mind set, energy, and attitude toward parenting your child. It’s about positive parenting and changing YOUR perspective to focus on how YOU can do things better and in the process, counteract the negative messages a toxic ex is likely giving your child. Even if the exact scenario of a toxic ex isn’t your own, the parenting suggestions and self talk tips are GOLD.
So much in this book is about helping YOU to have the right mind set, energy, and attitude toward parenting your child. It’s about positive parenting and changing YOUR perspective to focus on how YOU can do things better and in the process, counteract the negative messages a toxic ex is likely giving your child. Even if the exact scenario of a toxic ex isn’t your own, the parenting suggestions and self talk tips are GOLD.
December 30, 2014
As a psychology major, I was quite tickled to win a copy of this book from the Goodreads.com website.
It seems like at least once a week, afternoon tv shows or evening news programs touch on this and similar topics. Marriages degrade and turn into he said/she said and all too often, parents bring their children into their marital problems. After the break-up, these parents may even continue to try to pit their children against their former spouse.
Ms. Baker's book has excellent advice for those who are dealing with these toxic-exes. It contains workable, civilized ideas and suggestions for dealing with situations when one ex-spouse attempts to pit their children against them before the situation escalates. I would not hesitate to recommend this book to anyone who is dealing with a toxic ex-spouse and this book definitely makes a great addition to my reference library.
It seems like at least once a week, afternoon tv shows or evening news programs touch on this and similar topics. Marriages degrade and turn into he said/she said and all too often, parents bring their children into their marital problems. After the break-up, these parents may even continue to try to pit their children against their former spouse.
Ms. Baker's book has excellent advice for those who are dealing with these toxic-exes. It contains workable, civilized ideas and suggestions for dealing with situations when one ex-spouse attempts to pit their children against them before the situation escalates. I would not hesitate to recommend this book to anyone who is dealing with a toxic ex-spouse and this book definitely makes a great addition to my reference library.
March 16, 2017
I've realized that there are so many points in this book that my husband and I deal with on a regular basis. It made me angry all over again in certain areas of the book, just relieving those situations. I get blamed for everything. This book is eye opening. We will continue to be open and honest with our children never ever lying to them. Make them feel so loved and let them know our home is always open and we have no secrets and that anything that goes on in our home is welcome to be shared. Knowing that our children live and have lived different points from this book is absolutely gut wrenching. Now, they are children and don't know any better but one day they will grow up and understand ALL of the lies they've been told and how they've been used, treated, and bought. This book was definitely eye opening.
July 12, 2024
This book is written for a very specific audience, but attempts at generalization in my opinion result in the loss of distinction between legitimate loss of relationship due to ones own actions such as abuse and the loss of the relationship due to the unfounded actions of one's coparent.
I appreciate the focus on maintaining/repairing the relationship with ones child(ren), just wish caveats were added or it was made clear that ones children not wanting to speak with you or ones ex not giving into your whims for parenting time/equal opportunity may be directly related to ones actions that may require personal work as well.
I appreciate the focus on maintaining/repairing the relationship with ones child(ren), just wish caveats were added or it was made clear that ones children not wanting to speak with you or ones ex not giving into your whims for parenting time/equal opportunity may be directly related to ones actions that may require personal work as well.
September 22, 2018
Recognize when the other parent has been manipulating your child/children to view you negatively, and the risk of your child rejecting you. I wish I had read this book much sooner!
How to respond with empathy and compassion when you are feeling heartbroken. Never speak poorly of the other parent, as that hurts your child.
How to respond with empathy and compassion when you are feeling heartbroken. Never speak poorly of the other parent, as that hurts your child.
August 5, 2015
This isn't the book I thought it would be, but I read through it anyways.
If you're looking for ways to hold onto your kids when the ex is changing visitation and telling your kids to lie to you, this is the book for you. Not really what I was in the market for.
If you're looking for ways to hold onto your kids when the ex is changing visitation and telling your kids to lie to you, this is the book for you. Not really what I was in the market for.
February 11, 2017
This book is chalked full of great tips on how to: address your child anger and fears, how to minimize the effects of Parental Alienation and use those ugly moment designed to create unrest to build your relationship with your child.
August 7, 2017
Hard to say "I loved it" given the subject matter -- listening to some of this was downright painful (I listened to it on audio). But it gave me a very clear understanding of what exactly parental alienation is, how to determine if it is happening, what it is *not*, and what you can do about it.
September 20, 2019
Well written
Although a lot of this information may not pertain to myself quite yet (I have an infant) There were a lot of helpful tips in this book that I do expect to have to utilize in the future.
Although a lot of this information may not pertain to myself quite yet (I have an infant) There were a lot of helpful tips in this book that I do expect to have to utilize in the future.
January 28, 2018
An informed read for any parent experiencing a rupture in their relationship with their child or children when there is undue influence by the other parent.
December 7, 2021
This book has information specific to dealing with your ex trying to turn the kids against you, bad-mouthing you, causing loyalty conflicts in children, and other behaviours you might see when your ex puts their own feelings and vitriol ahead of the children (to the detriment of the children).
It gives examples of behaviour in your children you might see if the ex is engaging in parental alienation.
This book encourages you to still "be there" for your child, even if you face hurtful rejection - remember that they have had their thoughts and feelings skewed. The most important thing is building a strong relationship with your child and showing them that you are dependable, loving and supportive as this will be more likely to withstand alienation (even if the child only comes to that realisation in later years).
It goes through a range of examples, and not all of them will be applicable to all people and all the behaviours won't necessarily be exhibited by all toxic exes (they don't need to display them all to be "toxic").
The information may not necessarily be "new" or "groundbreaking" (a lot of it is just common sense for adults who are capable of being adults and putting their children's needs before their own feelings).
It can be really hard to read this information when you are dealing with a toxic ex - sometimes it just seems so hopeless and you hurt for your children who are being hurt by their other parent - but I recommend this book to people who are co-parenting with a difficult ex.
I would read it with a highlighter or post-it notes so you can come back to the parts that are relevant for you.
It gives examples of behaviour in your children you might see if the ex is engaging in parental alienation.
This book encourages you to still "be there" for your child, even if you face hurtful rejection - remember that they have had their thoughts and feelings skewed. The most important thing is building a strong relationship with your child and showing them that you are dependable, loving and supportive as this will be more likely to withstand alienation (even if the child only comes to that realisation in later years).
It goes through a range of examples, and not all of them will be applicable to all people and all the behaviours won't necessarily be exhibited by all toxic exes (they don't need to display them all to be "toxic").
The information may not necessarily be "new" or "groundbreaking" (a lot of it is just common sense for adults who are capable of being adults and putting their children's needs before their own feelings).
It can be really hard to read this information when you are dealing with a toxic ex - sometimes it just seems so hopeless and you hurt for your children who are being hurt by their other parent - but I recommend this book to people who are co-parenting with a difficult ex.
I would read it with a highlighter or post-it notes so you can come back to the parts that are relevant for you.
May 8, 2020
This gave a name to some of what I’ve been experiencing since my ex-husband began co-parenting. A lot of it was discouraging “these are the problems your child will have in future relationships...,” but there is something truly comforting in being able to identify what has been happening over the last four years since I separated from my ex and why it accelerated when my ex moved back into town and had equal timesharing. Most of the advice is just generally good parenting advice and was a good reminder. I also appreciated that it touched on mindful awareness (something anyone - parent or otherwise can benefit from). I’ve started meditating with my kids since beginning this book (something I began practicing on my own in early 2019 and which I have found life changing in helping to manage my emotional responses) and I’m hopeful that our relationship can be protected and maintained despite any attempts to damage it by their father. Thank you for giving a name to this reality I’ve been living for four years. I hate that this book needs to exist, but I’m glad that it does.
December 28, 2025
Co‑Parenting with a Toxic Ex is validating, grounded, and incredibly practical for anyone navigating high-conflict co-parenting; especially where manipulation, alienation, or emotional abuse are present.
What makes this book stand out is that it doesn’t minimize the reality of toxic dynamics or place unrealistic expectations on the healthy parent to “just get along.” It names harmful behaviors clearly, explains the psychological impact on children, and offers realistic strategies for protecting both your kids and your own mental health.
The tone is compassionate without being alarmist, research-based without being clinical, and empowering without encouraging escalation. I appreciated the emphasis on boundaries, documentation, and staying anchored in truth; even when the situation feels unfair or isolating.
Excellent addition to your library if you are a parent, therapist, or supporting families in high-conflict custody situations.
What makes this book stand out is that it doesn’t minimize the reality of toxic dynamics or place unrealistic expectations on the healthy parent to “just get along.” It names harmful behaviors clearly, explains the psychological impact on children, and offers realistic strategies for protecting both your kids and your own mental health.
The tone is compassionate without being alarmist, research-based without being clinical, and empowering without encouraging escalation. I appreciated the emphasis on boundaries, documentation, and staying anchored in truth; even when the situation feels unfair or isolating.
Excellent addition to your library if you are a parent, therapist, or supporting families in high-conflict custody situations.
August 7, 2020
Incredibly useful toolbox
The book was incredibly useful to provide a toolbox to not only identify what your child is experiencing, but also -and most importantly - how to respond in a way that help your child navigate the situation.
Once you become aware of what is happening, a lot of the readings you do puts your ex at the centre - and quite frankly as much as I tried to be compassionate - my ex is not the one who needs my help, love and support right now. My children are!
As soon as I Started the book, I was able to apply some of the strategies and this made a world of a difference. Of course, there were slip ups and difficulties but it empowered me with an appropriate reaction in almost any situation.
The book was incredibly useful to provide a toolbox to not only identify what your child is experiencing, but also -and most importantly - how to respond in a way that help your child navigate the situation.
Once you become aware of what is happening, a lot of the readings you do puts your ex at the centre - and quite frankly as much as I tried to be compassionate - my ex is not the one who needs my help, love and support right now. My children are!
As soon as I Started the book, I was able to apply some of the strategies and this made a world of a difference. Of course, there were slip ups and difficulties but it empowered me with an appropriate reaction in almost any situation.
March 10, 2024
This book was published in 2014 so I had expected some of the information to be dated but I was surprised just how much of the information was from the 1990s or earlier. Interestingly, as I was reading, I not only recognized behaviors that my children's dad is doing, but also things my children's grandma does, things that both my parents did when I was growing up, and even things that I need to be better about not doing myself. This was a fairly quick read. This book served as a good reminder on how to respond to difficult situations with my children, but didn't provide much groundbreaking information or new insight for me, unfortunately. I would only recommend this book to people who are co-parenting with a toxic ex and do not seem to know anything about positive parenting at all.
May 29, 2024
Co-parenting is a rather broad topic, with as vast a spectrum of situations as there are people. This one did not apply well to my particular situation, but I did find some value in it.
Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex zeroes in on the situation where one parent is trying to confuse or disrupt your relationship with your child. The major focus is how you can be the better parent and override the poison your ex is pushing into your child's brain with sound parenting.
The first half of the book felt somewhat contrived and overly specific, as if the author had their own weird situation to deal with. The latter half did get better, and I think most parents could benefit with the strategies for talking to children.
Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex zeroes in on the situation where one parent is trying to confuse or disrupt your relationship with your child. The major focus is how you can be the better parent and override the poison your ex is pushing into your child's brain with sound parenting.
The first half of the book felt somewhat contrived and overly specific, as if the author had their own weird situation to deal with. The latter half did get better, and I think most parents could benefit with the strategies for talking to children.
April 25, 2022
Great overview of what it's really like to raise a child with a toxic, controlling, or narcissistic co-parent. Lots of anecdotal research explanations of what your child will experience and how certain behaviors of the parents will create long-term negative effects in the child are very helpful.
This book won't "solve" your problems, per se, but it will help you gather more perspective so that you can better control what's within your control when reacting and dealing with this type of co-parent. The exercises included in the book are also a great way to keep tabs on behavior documentation that may one day be needed as evidence in a custody modification case in family court.
This book won't "solve" your problems, per se, but it will help you gather more perspective so that you can better control what's within your control when reacting and dealing with this type of co-parent. The exercises included in the book are also a great way to keep tabs on behavior documentation that may one day be needed as evidence in a custody modification case in family court.
December 16, 2022
This book was very helpful in defining some of the hard-to-describe issues that present when co-parenting with a toxic ex--particularly the definition and discussion of a "loyalty conflict" for kids and how to determine if that's an issue and how it presents in children. There are so very practical tips/phrases included that I've already incorporated. While not all of the topics will be pertinent to each situation, I would highly recommend for anyone who is co-parenting--toxic ex or not.
I listened to this book and would like to revisit it with a hard copy as there are some surveys/tools/journaling activities included that would be helpful to actually see.
I listened to this book and would like to revisit it with a hard copy as there are some surveys/tools/journaling activities included that would be helpful to actually see.
October 11, 2021
This would have been exceptional if I had read it when I got divorced and my children were still young. It would have opened my eyes to so many things that my ex was doing and the problems she was causing. Most of all, it might have helped me head off all the things she did to my son.
I highly recommend that anyone getting a divorce (no matter how friendly it seems) with children read this book. Learn what to watch out for and what not to do yourself. Most of all, learn the harm that might be being done to your children before it is too late.
I highly recommend that anyone getting a divorce (no matter how friendly it seems) with children read this book. Learn what to watch out for and what not to do yourself. Most of all, learn the harm that might be being done to your children before it is too late.
October 20, 2021
This book has so many great parenting tips whether you're dealing with a toxic ex or not. Unfortunately we are dealing with an insane level of toxicity, so all I can say is that I wish I'd read this years ago! This would have helped tremendously to [possibly] put an end to at least some of the bullshit going on all this time. It touched on lying briefly, but I wish it'd had more depth on how to handle someone who lies constantly about every little thing, even in court. Overall the book was good and the advice is solid.
July 19, 2024
It’s a GD 10 star book! The topics and advice are so helpful in understanding how to love the little ones in difficult times. I wanted to read this book to understand the extremes to avoid. There are so many parenting books out there but this one focuses on the outlier situations and strained relationship rebuilding while reinforcing healthy habits of listening and seeing children with a greater sense of compassion. I highly recommend this book and doing the worksheets on the publisher’s website.
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