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Real Love in Parenting: Nine Simple and Powerfully Effective Principles for Raising Happy and Responsible Children
"I was at my wits' end. I did not know how to help my children. But now I do. Real Love in Parenting has given me everything I was missing as a parent."
Despite our best intentions, most of us are woefully unprepared to become parents. In Real Love in Parenting , you'll learn the answers to the questions below, and you'll discover that parenting can be deeply rewarding, instead of tedious and frustrating.
• Why are children so often angry, rebellious, disobedient, and otherwise difficult?
• What is the real reason you get angry at your children?
• How can you teach your children to be loving, responsible, and happy?
• What should you teach your children about sex?
• What are your children trying to tell you (and why you're not hearing it)?
• What should you do when children quarrel with one another?
Despite our best intentions, most of us are woefully unprepared to become parents. In Real Love in Parenting , you'll learn the answers to the questions below, and you'll discover that parenting can be deeply rewarding, instead of tedious and frustrating.
• Why are children so often angry, rebellious, disobedient, and otherwise difficult?
• What is the real reason you get angry at your children?
• How can you teach your children to be loving, responsible, and happy?
• What should you teach your children about sex?
• What are your children trying to tell you (and why you're not hearing it)?
• What should you do when children quarrel with one another?
434 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2003
53 people are currently reading
234 people want to read
About the author
Greg Baer
28 books19 followersFor twenty years, Greg Baer, M.D. was a highly successful surgeon, teacher, civic leader, and entrepreneur. But despite all his accomplishments, wealth, and respect, he felt empty and unhappy. He became a drug addict and nearly committed suicide. In his subsequent search for genuine happiness, he learned some principles that have changed the lives of hundreds of thousands. After Dr. Baer retired from one of the busiest solo eye surgery practices in the United States, he began a new career of writing, teaching, and speaking. He has so far written 17 books about relationships, marriage, and parenting, which have been translated into multiple languages, and published worldwide; produced the three-CD audio series, The Truth About Love and Lies; produced the six-DVD set (with Workbook) The Essentials of Real Love; produced the PBS television special, Real Answers, viewed nationwide; appeared on over 1500 radio and television programs from coast to coast in the United States; counseled personally with thousands of individuals and couples, profoundly changing their lives with the principles and power of Real Love; written thousands of blogs; conducted over 300 seminars and corporate trainings and delivered speeches to audiences around the world where he has taught the principles of Real Love; and developed a comprehensive website that offers Real Love education through video coaching, thousands of blogs, weekly video chats, support forums, and much more. An extensive Master Index is conveniently available to help you navigate through these resources. Dr. Baer and his wife, Donna, are the parents of seven children and live in Rome, Georgia.
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
July 30, 2018
I started reading this because a couple of friends were recommended this book and told me about it.
I don’t usually go for these kind of books, but decided to give it a try. Was I wrong...
The author gives and advice for parents who have advice to give on raising kids, to not do it, and instead write a book and put it in a high shelf. Unfortunately the author didn’t put this one in a high enough shelf, as someone still had enough bad luck and picked it up.
The premise for the book is very simple and could be summed up in a sentence: “when educating your child, do it for their sake, not yours”. Why this resulted in a 14 hours book (I’ve listened to the audiobook version), is beyond me.
So, the premise is good, anyone with a little brain can see why thinking of your kids when dealing with them, instead of yourself, is a good idea and beneficial for them. The problem comes in the fact that the book gives you a technique to do this, which basically is to hide your emotions and show a rehearsed patronising persona to your kid. The author also excels at using the “fraternity bro” pull tactics of insult disguised as praise, in the lines of “for a terrible parent, you’re doing really well, after all, you’re reading this book”. This is a well known technique to pretend to praise someone while actually putting them down, and raise our intentions (in this case raise his book).
The reading of the book is made in a patronising tone, and at the end of each chapter or so, there’s a couple of minutes of a sales spiel telling you how you need to buy a bunch of other books and videos on this “technique”.
Along the book, the author cited quite a lot of anecdotal evidence, which he then proceeds to declare is ultimate proof of whatever point he’s trying to prove. These anecdotes often feel false, and the characters have very unnatural conversations, with kids invariably ending up seeing the parents side (turns out it’s not about the kids after all, but all about making the parents happy), with some validation responses done in the kind of sentences that no kid ever uttered.
Towards the end, the author starts talking about “natural consequences”. The weird bit here, is that he seems to not have the slightest idea of what natural means, if they’re natural, they would have to spontaneously emerge, but all that he described are imposed consequences. At this point, the book takes a dark turn, and goes from a good premise mixed with bad advice, to dark and scary. At its peak, the author describes how he addressed a 3 years old getting out of bed after their imposed bed time, by locking them in their bedroom for a short period of time. When the traumatised child then stops coming out of her room from fear of this happening again, the author declares that they understood that this was made out of real love (!?!?!?!?), and the child understood that, and that’s why they stopped coming out of their room.
Conclusion, this is a terrible book, keep away from it. Instead just treat your children nicely, and be sure to evaluate if what you’re doing really is in their interest or if you’re just doing it for yourself. That’ll save you the money and 14h of listening to this drivel.
I don’t usually go for these kind of books, but decided to give it a try. Was I wrong...
The author gives and advice for parents who have advice to give on raising kids, to not do it, and instead write a book and put it in a high shelf. Unfortunately the author didn’t put this one in a high enough shelf, as someone still had enough bad luck and picked it up.
The premise for the book is very simple and could be summed up in a sentence: “when educating your child, do it for their sake, not yours”. Why this resulted in a 14 hours book (I’ve listened to the audiobook version), is beyond me.
So, the premise is good, anyone with a little brain can see why thinking of your kids when dealing with them, instead of yourself, is a good idea and beneficial for them. The problem comes in the fact that the book gives you a technique to do this, which basically is to hide your emotions and show a rehearsed patronising persona to your kid. The author also excels at using the “fraternity bro” pull tactics of insult disguised as praise, in the lines of “for a terrible parent, you’re doing really well, after all, you’re reading this book”. This is a well known technique to pretend to praise someone while actually putting them down, and raise our intentions (in this case raise his book).
The reading of the book is made in a patronising tone, and at the end of each chapter or so, there’s a couple of minutes of a sales spiel telling you how you need to buy a bunch of other books and videos on this “technique”.
Along the book, the author cited quite a lot of anecdotal evidence, which he then proceeds to declare is ultimate proof of whatever point he’s trying to prove. These anecdotes often feel false, and the characters have very unnatural conversations, with kids invariably ending up seeing the parents side (turns out it’s not about the kids after all, but all about making the parents happy), with some validation responses done in the kind of sentences that no kid ever uttered.
Towards the end, the author starts talking about “natural consequences”. The weird bit here, is that he seems to not have the slightest idea of what natural means, if they’re natural, they would have to spontaneously emerge, but all that he described are imposed consequences. At this point, the book takes a dark turn, and goes from a good premise mixed with bad advice, to dark and scary. At its peak, the author describes how he addressed a 3 years old getting out of bed after their imposed bed time, by locking them in their bedroom for a short period of time. When the traumatised child then stops coming out of her room from fear of this happening again, the author declares that they understood that this was made out of real love (!?!?!?!?), and the child understood that, and that’s why they stopped coming out of their room.
Conclusion, this is a terrible book, keep away from it. Instead just treat your children nicely, and be sure to evaluate if what you’re doing really is in their interest or if you’re just doing it for yourself. That’ll save you the money and 14h of listening to this drivel.
October 3, 2012
I loved the message of this book, but I didn't like how the message was written. The ideas were often vague and repetitive and lacked encouragement and clear, practical applications. The ideas needed to be better organized and more concise.
September 11, 2019
This book was my reward in the midst of too many work-project-burdened weeks. If I get anything right in parenting, I so pray it is that I loved well. Always. Without exception. This book both convicted and affirmed me. The author's near-obsessive use of the word "understandable" was a great comfort to me. I highly recommend this read.
September 8, 2022
Lots of great tips in here and overall I am a fan of Baer's "Real Love" methodology, however some of the examples were super extreme (Draconian?) I felt borderline uncomfortable. Parenting is tough. The more ideas we have the better, even if I'm not behind 100% of the ones here.
December 7, 2021
Bought the ebook for $10.
This is one of the most helpful parenting books I've read.
I can only rate it 3 stars, because it's as full of half-truths, untruths, omissions, and fake evidence as most gentle parenting books, and I disagree with the author's entire worldview (e.g. that the purpose of life is to be happy, etc). So I can't truly recommend it.
That said, it really spoke to me personally at this time in my life. I've been on a parenting journey that hasn't been helpful to me--reading gentle parenting books impossible to live up to for any person with four small needy children, followed by anger management books when I was running on empty and the sacrifice of my whole self wasn't enough, followed by books about healing from trauma when I became so exhausted and triggered I could barely function through the day. If I had read this book at the start of that journey, I might have avoided such a downward spiral.
Despite all my caveats, Baer is the best instructor on an "unconditional parenting" style that I have come across so far. While he does tend to sweep things under the rug that he doesn't agree with (like Laura Markham and L.R. Knost), he ultimately does come up with some great practical tips for what to say and do (unlike Alfie Kohn).
My notes about what I appreciated from this book:
-While he does say that all your children's problems are ultimately your fault, he says there's no point feeling guilty because you were doing your best and you couldn't have done any better (because you didn't have perfect parents so you've never seen it done, and you haven't ever had the resources to be whole enough to love your kids fully). Thank you. I have been trying my hardest, and I hate when the books act like I could have just done better all along and couldn't be bothered to (would such a person even be reading parenting books?) and that I just need to try harder and do better--usually on even less resources (eg advice like "spend extra time with each child every day doing whatever they want to do" with no advice of how to wring that extra time out of my day, or just generally to put aside all my needs to take care of my kids, when really it's my unmet needs that are ruining everything in my life). So I appreciated that he didn't treat me like either an idiot or a bad person, but encouraged me that I was already doing as well as I could and could learn tools to do much better.
-This book has great explanations of how my anger, disappointment, expectations, etc are born from several different ways I protect myself and try to get my needs met (and it's the same for all my kids' bad behaviours), which has really helped me to mentally reframe situations and quickly identify the root of problems and see emotional connection with my kids as the solution.
-I loved his metaphor to prove that other people don't make you angry: if someone steals $2 from you, you're angry if it's your last $2 but not if you have 20m in the bank. It's obvious that for the longest time I've been on my last two emotional dollars and that's why I can't handle anything.
This book goes well with Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, which has a sturdier philosophy but not as many helpful parenting examples.
This is one of the most helpful parenting books I've read.
I can only rate it 3 stars, because it's as full of half-truths, untruths, omissions, and fake evidence as most gentle parenting books, and I disagree with the author's entire worldview (e.g. that the purpose of life is to be happy, etc). So I can't truly recommend it.
That said, it really spoke to me personally at this time in my life. I've been on a parenting journey that hasn't been helpful to me--reading gentle parenting books impossible to live up to for any person with four small needy children, followed by anger management books when I was running on empty and the sacrifice of my whole self wasn't enough, followed by books about healing from trauma when I became so exhausted and triggered I could barely function through the day. If I had read this book at the start of that journey, I might have avoided such a downward spiral.
Despite all my caveats, Baer is the best instructor on an "unconditional parenting" style that I have come across so far. While he does tend to sweep things under the rug that he doesn't agree with (like Laura Markham and L.R. Knost), he ultimately does come up with some great practical tips for what to say and do (unlike Alfie Kohn).
My notes about what I appreciated from this book:
-While he does say that all your children's problems are ultimately your fault, he says there's no point feeling guilty because you were doing your best and you couldn't have done any better (because you didn't have perfect parents so you've never seen it done, and you haven't ever had the resources to be whole enough to love your kids fully). Thank you. I have been trying my hardest, and I hate when the books act like I could have just done better all along and couldn't be bothered to (would such a person even be reading parenting books?) and that I just need to try harder and do better--usually on even less resources (eg advice like "spend extra time with each child every day doing whatever they want to do" with no advice of how to wring that extra time out of my day, or just generally to put aside all my needs to take care of my kids, when really it's my unmet needs that are ruining everything in my life). So I appreciated that he didn't treat me like either an idiot or a bad person, but encouraged me that I was already doing as well as I could and could learn tools to do much better.
-This book has great explanations of how my anger, disappointment, expectations, etc are born from several different ways I protect myself and try to get my needs met (and it's the same for all my kids' bad behaviours), which has really helped me to mentally reframe situations and quickly identify the root of problems and see emotional connection with my kids as the solution.
-I loved his metaphor to prove that other people don't make you angry: if someone steals $2 from you, you're angry if it's your last $2 but not if you have 20m in the bank. It's obvious that for the longest time I've been on my last two emotional dollars and that's why I can't handle anything.
This book goes well with Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, which has a sturdier philosophy but not as many helpful parenting examples.
July 26, 2019
This is the third book I've read so far in the Real Love series including "Real love and PCSD" and "Real Love in marriage". They complement one another perfectly. I've never come across books about relationships before that I found this relevant to being more compassionate to others and becoming better persons ourselves. There are no easy solutions offered here. It all seems hard work mainly because we have to work through our own issues that we've probably been carrying with ourselves for decades (e.g. to understand why we react with frustration and anger in certain situations) before we can care for others' happiness in a way that they feel our unconditional love for them.
I highly value the author's approach that he constantly steers the emphasis from "I" and "me" to other people's happiness.
I highly value the author's approach that he constantly steers the emphasis from "I" and "me" to other people's happiness.
January 14, 2020
The principles in this book have been life changing for my 14 year old son and me. I read this 3 years ago when I was angry, judging and didn't have a good relationship with my son. Now after learning about how to be unconditionally loving with my son, I can say we have a great relationship. Much more connected, happy and my son actually listens to what I have to say. Cant recommend enough for all parents everywhere.
February 14, 2018
Such terrific principles; loving your kids for who they are now while helping them nurture who they can become. BUT be prepared for a heavy dose of guilt tripping in this book. Anything you do in parenting can be deemed to benefit YOU and not the child is seen as heavily flawed. So read it with a grain of salt. Take many of the great principles and skills it teaches and leave the guilt behind.
May 18, 2017
Even though I'm not even done reading this book, I wish I could give a copy to every one of my friends. This one is a life changer.
June 4, 2017
I've read so many parenting books and this is hands down the best one I've ever read.
February 7, 2018
I had some issues with the first half of the book, but the second half was very enlightening. Some good ideas to use with kids.
May 20, 2019
Great insight though it was hard to hear the truth sometimes. I need to read it again with a study group
November 30, 2020
A blunt, no nonsense approach to what "love" means and looks like in parenting. There were some good parenting tips but Baer has extreme views about certain topics that turned me off a bit.
February 1, 2019
I just picked this book off of my shelf for a reread from 4 years ago. I can see how big a different it has made in my family and myself. I can see some things I have forgotten and need to change again. One of my daughters used to get into rampages at 14 that were really hard to handle. With the advice of the book, instead of telling her how bad she was behaving (which she was), I sat and listened to what she was actually saying. It took her only a couple of weeks for her to trust that I would listen, even to hard things to hear, and I wouldn’t tell her she was bad or wrong to feel that way. Now if she feels angry or frustrated she knows we’ll listen and she often ends up laughing at herself and just solving the problem.
With 7 kids I can’t say I never have problems, life is all about problems and solving them together. From reading this book, I now realize that kids aren’t bad, they are just showing us with their actions how they feel on the inside. These are the clues to how we can mentor them to not seek for love and acceptance in counterfeit ways. We can see them through the eyes of love and give them what they truly need from us.
With 7 kids I can’t say I never have problems, life is all about problems and solving them together. From reading this book, I now realize that kids aren’t bad, they are just showing us with their actions how they feel on the inside. These are the clues to how we can mentor them to not seek for love and acceptance in counterfeit ways. We can see them through the eyes of love and give them what they truly need from us.
May 11, 2014
Changed the way I view parenting and communication with my girls. He takes some stances that I didn't agree with initially but as I continued to read and think about it I came to believe his philosophy and his tactics were sound and unassailable. While we largely realize anger is not a productive emotion, he argues that in addition to anger, disappointment is also unproductive.
February 14, 2016
Good book. Interesting concepts in parenting. Makes you ashamed for some basic errors that we have been doing all this time. Some of the stuff is too far fetched and some of the stories are very obviously mocked up. But overall good book for concerned parents.
Want to read
February 25, 2008I went to a fireside and this man was the speaker. Really impressed!
January 3, 2009
Lot's of good advice for parents...principles that I need to do a better job of applying!
February 15, 2016
Another parenting book...yes. It's true! You don't learn this stuff in school! The writing was repetitive at times, but the overall message was great.
September 27, 2008
I really like this author's principles, and way of educating. I will read his other books.
April 9, 2009
Amazing principles to truly understand how to become more Christlike!
November 25, 2010
Great book; very helpful.
March 26, 2017
I really tried to finish this book. I bought it, so I have it for a reference. The problem is that it is too repetitive and made me feel too guilty. The ideas are great and I agree with them, but I can get the same information from better written parenting books that I have. This would be better if it were written as a quick reference book or if it had been edited better.
April 30, 2017
wow, after some difficult behaviour from my 4 yr old boy, I fell out of love with him which made our relationship even worse! This book has changed my world, for the better, and helped me see how simple and how much easier relationships with family are, when you follow the principles of Real Love in Parenting.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews