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He Wins, She Wins: Learning the Art of Marital Negotiation
When you get married, you expect your relationship to be a partnership in which you make decisions and face the world together, united. But often a husband's perspective and a wife's perspective on the same issue can be very different and unity in decision making can be tough. Should spouses take turns getting their way? Should they compromise? Can they avoid making decisions altogether? Dr. Harley says there's a better way--a way in which both partners get what they want and believe is best every time .
In He Wins, She Wins , Dr. Harley introduces the revolutionary concept of joint agreement in marriage that keeps both husband and wife on equal footing and equally satisfied. This win-win model for negotiation starts with a simple Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Dr. Harley walks couples through the five most common sources of conflict in marriage, (friends and family, career and time management, finances, children, and sex), applying the joint agreement rule in every situation. And he teaches readers how to resolve conflicts the right way, so that not only are those conflicts resolved once and for all but the couple's love for one another actually grows and is sustained for the rest of their lives.
Anyone who has been married long enough to have a disagreement will benefit from this unique new book from everyone's favorite marriage doctor.
In He Wins, She Wins , Dr. Harley introduces the revolutionary concept of joint agreement in marriage that keeps both husband and wife on equal footing and equally satisfied. This win-win model for negotiation starts with a simple Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Dr. Harley walks couples through the five most common sources of conflict in marriage, (friends and family, career and time management, finances, children, and sex), applying the joint agreement rule in every situation. And he teaches readers how to resolve conflicts the right way, so that not only are those conflicts resolved once and for all but the couple's love for one another actually grows and is sustained for the rest of their lives.
Anyone who has been married long enough to have a disagreement will benefit from this unique new book from everyone's favorite marriage doctor.
192 pages, Hardcover
First published October 1, 2013
57 people are currently reading
485 people want to read
About the author
Willard F. Harley Jr.
23 books109 followersWillard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews
November 20, 2023
Mi-a plăcut cartea, dar e foarte scurtă, mi-ar fi plăcut să detalieze mai mult unele teme abordate.
E utilă lectura dacă conștientizezi că ai probleme de comunicare și înțelegere în cuplu. Împreună cu partenerul tău poți discuta despre aceste probleme și pas cu pas poți găsi soluții de comun acord.
Există un pact între parteneri pe care autorul îl explică în această carte. Cu ajutorul acestui pact puteți face pace cu supărările și nemulțumirile care vă încearcă de zi cu zi în relația voastră. E foarte ușor teoric, asta toți știu, dar e mai greu să controlezi emoțiile tale, gândurile și sentimentele pe care le ai. De multe ori sau aproape întotdeauna, partenerii au așteptări dar nu le comunică, se supără, se iscă certuri și cea mai ușoară cale - despărțirea, însă, dacă am învăța să comunicăm unul cu altul și să ne zicem fiecare ce așteptări avem, viața de cuplu ar putea fi cu mult mai simplă.
Vă încurajez să citiți cartea "Nevoile ei, nevoile lui", apoi să începeți cu aceasta.
Spor să aveți!
E utilă lectura dacă conștientizezi că ai probleme de comunicare și înțelegere în cuplu. Împreună cu partenerul tău poți discuta despre aceste probleme și pas cu pas poți găsi soluții de comun acord.
Există un pact între parteneri pe care autorul îl explică în această carte. Cu ajutorul acestui pact puteți face pace cu supărările și nemulțumirile care vă încearcă de zi cu zi în relația voastră. E foarte ușor teoric, asta toți știu, dar e mai greu să controlezi emoțiile tale, gândurile și sentimentele pe care le ai. De multe ori sau aproape întotdeauna, partenerii au așteptări dar nu le comunică, se supără, se iscă certuri și cea mai ușoară cale - despărțirea, însă, dacă am învăța să comunicăm unul cu altul și să ne zicem fiecare ce așteptări avem, viața de cuplu ar putea fi cu mult mai simplă.
Vă încurajez să citiți cartea "Nevoile ei, nevoile lui", apoi să începeți cu aceasta.
Spor să aveți!
Read
April 1, 2020Cartea debutează cu prezentarea noțiunii de PAC - politica acordului in cuplu.
PAC are drept obiectiv soluționarea conflictelor într-o manieră reciproc avantajoasă pentru parteneri.
Cei 4 pași pentru o negociere de succes sunt reprezentați de:
1. stabilirea unor reguli de bază (spre exemplu, păstrarea calmului, evitarea izbucnirilor furiose ori lipsa de respect etc.);
2. identificarea problemei;
3. descoperirea perspectivei partenerului asupra problemei;
4. Descoperirea unei soluții reciproc avantajoase;
PAC poate cunoaște și unele excepții precum sunt situațiile când ne aflăm în prezența abuzului fizic și/sau emoțional, infidelitate, consum de droguri și poate și alte asemenea situații delicate.
Cartea tratează în cea de-a 2-a jumătate o parte dintre cele mai importante conflicte care se ivesc într-o relație de cuplu, și anume conflicte care privesc prietenii sau rudele, conflicte legate de carieră, conflicte financiare, conflicte care privesc creșterea și educarea copiilor, precum și conflicte privind împlinirea sexuală.
Ultimele pagini ale cărții conțin 2 chestionare: unul pentru determinarea nevoilor emoționale și unul pentru a identifica elementele distructive ale iubirii, prezente la partener.
PAC are drept obiectiv soluționarea conflictelor într-o manieră reciproc avantajoasă pentru parteneri.
Cei 4 pași pentru o negociere de succes sunt reprezentați de:
1. stabilirea unor reguli de bază (spre exemplu, păstrarea calmului, evitarea izbucnirilor furiose ori lipsa de respect etc.);
2. identificarea problemei;
3. descoperirea perspectivei partenerului asupra problemei;
4. Descoperirea unei soluții reciproc avantajoase;
PAC poate cunoaște și unele excepții precum sunt situațiile când ne aflăm în prezența abuzului fizic și/sau emoțional, infidelitate, consum de droguri și poate și alte asemenea situații delicate.
Cartea tratează în cea de-a 2-a jumătate o parte dintre cele mai importante conflicte care se ivesc într-o relație de cuplu, și anume conflicte care privesc prietenii sau rudele, conflicte legate de carieră, conflicte financiare, conflicte care privesc creșterea și educarea copiilor, precum și conflicte privind împlinirea sexuală.
Ultimele pagini ale cărții conțin 2 chestionare: unul pentru determinarea nevoilor emoționale și unul pentru a identifica elementele distructive ale iubirii, prezente la partener.
March 1, 2021
Basically presents one concept, I can see his point but wonder how possible it is. I'm not a great negotiator in general
November 4, 2014
Another freebie from Christian audio.com. Nice to listen to when I do dishes, or walk.
The author shares a great deal of practical wisdom, based on his 50 years of marriage, and decades of counseling.
Basically, he tells couples to learn to negotiate with one another. This really amounts to bargaining. He insists that a couple should enthusiastically agree on everything, and do everything it takes to make that happen. He applies it practically to various areas of marriage, with good examples.
My main problem with the book, is that it is merely practical wisdom, and offers nothing biblical or faith-based. I would recommend this book too people for it's practical wisdom, but I really believe that a marriage needs more than that.
The simple fact that God freely loves and forgives us can empower us to treat others in the same way, if we receive it from God.
The author shares a great deal of practical wisdom, based on his 50 years of marriage, and decades of counseling.
Basically, he tells couples to learn to negotiate with one another. This really amounts to bargaining. He insists that a couple should enthusiastically agree on everything, and do everything it takes to make that happen. He applies it practically to various areas of marriage, with good examples.
My main problem with the book, is that it is merely practical wisdom, and offers nothing biblical or faith-based. I would recommend this book too people for it's practical wisdom, but I really believe that a marriage needs more than that.
The simple fact that God freely loves and forgives us can empower us to treat others in the same way, if we receive it from God.
May 5, 2015
This book is just as devoid of the Gospel as His Needs, Her Needs. Who would I give it to? Probably hard-core atheists who still believe in an idea of "love" and want some principles for maintaining respect and romance through conflict without any principles overtly connected to the Bible. So, should Christians relegate this book to the rubbish bin? Not necessarily. Too often, committed Christians think all will be well if they just put their spouse's needs ahead of their own and submit to one another (Philippians 2:3, Ephesians 5:21-33). When conflict or resentment arises, we fall into a "if I would just submit harder," or "if only my spouse would submit like I am..." mentality that doesn't solve the problem. This is where Smalley's book can be useful-- given a Gospel-centered view of marriage and nature, how can I improve our communication and the overall satisfaction of both my mate and myself in marriage? I think evangelicals could also do a better job reading about biology, neurology, behavioral economics and the like to understand how habits develop.
His Needs, Her Needs operated from a clearly Freudian foundation and this book is no different. Much of it revolves around the man's sexual satisfaction as the base of marital happiness. Harley has a PhD in psychology and a long-time marriage counselor; he opens the book with a look at neuropsychology and how the brains of men and women are biologically different. These differences explain differences in perceptions, judgement, decision-making, and personality.
The basic premise: Continual self-sacrifice creates a "win-lose" situation where one spouse may be submissively unhappy with his end of the bargain. So, a wife who submits to her husband's wishes because that's how she understands her role as a wife is likely unhappy about much of it. My personal takeaway from this idea is that in marriage we should not suffer in silence. We should not submit with a silent hope that "I'll go along with what he wants this time, and hopefully he'll reciprocate by doing something I want another time." That's not grace, it's secretly trying to earn merit and hoping for the best, and it's a recipe for bitterness. Harley is right that the spouse submitted to will likely not see the submission as sacrificial and will simply come to expect it. "Of course that's how it should be done," he might say. Instead, a wife (for example) can say "I'll go along with this because I love and respect you. I trust that the consequences of this decision will lead to a happier husband who is also willing to listen to my needs and concerns and help me out as well. But let's sit down and work out something we can both be happy with."
"Don't be a dictator," writes Harley. Too often spouses play "dual dictator" roles, playing a game of tit-for-tat over how something should be done. You will each be in an "I told you so!" mode, which is unhelpful. Harley advocates a "democratic marriage" in which both parties win and decisions aren't made unless both parties can be in "enthusiastic agreement" about the decision. He refers back to the "love bank" idea of His Needs, Her Needs-- win-win agreements allow couples to make simultaneous deposits in the others' love bank.
Reluctant agreement on issues is "dangerous" and "enthusiastic agreement" is a "must." As a practical example, Harley recommends grocery shopping together without the kids frequently. Fill the cart with things you know you'll both be enthusiastic about eating. Then, allow for some experimentation--the wife can pick a couple things she's most confident the husband will like if he just tries it. If he doesn't like it, it never gets bought again. Only buy things you will both be happy about.
Now, think about the impractical nature of this for a minute (I owe this critique to my wife). What if there is a particular food allergy one spouse has, or one is a vegetarian? Should they only buy foods they both really want? Harley allows for the rule to be broken in times of urgency or medical emergency. But, in general, he seems to be saying that husband and wife should always eat together and never differ in their choices. Separate interests are listed as "harmful," and Harley encourages husbands to find activities that the wife enjoys doing to. Trading horses by saying "I'm going bowling with the guys tonight, and you can go shopping with the girls tomorrow" are two different win-lose situations-- they violate Harley's rule and he discourages such trade-offs. Harley applies this thinking to career decisions as well, pursuing a career because you're gifted at it or you particularly like it is not a good enough reason-- you should only do it if both you and your spouse agree on how the career affects each other. Remember, no self-sacrifice of one spouse putting career behind the other--at least for the long-haul (his wife worked while he finished his PhD).
The other practical problem is with "enthusiastic agreement." How many times do you make a decision that you're truly "enthusiastic" about? I approach decisions with probability in mind: there is uncertainty what the result of the decision will be and how happy either of us will be with the outcome. We'll likely be revisiting this decision down the road and adjusting or wishing we'd done something differently. When writing about how to meet others' needs when you are not enthusiastic about it, Harley gives somewhat of a cop-out in the form of self-sacrifice called something else. He basically says "enjoy the consequences" you'll have of having a happier spouse. Communicate about it and see if you can reach a different arrangement in areas where you're unhappy.
Harley gives some principles of negotiation. Negotiation can only happen when you've established a framework that you guarantee the others' safety and be kind. Ground rules include being "pleasant and cheerful" throughout negotiations. If you reach an impasse, come back to the table later. There has to be trust, in other words. First, both sides need to come to the table knowing what he/she wants. (This also might be unrealistic if one spouse feels strongly about the issue more than the other, see the "enthusiastic" critique above). Ask "How would you feel if...?" questions to introduce what you want. Brainstorm together, use a notebook to record ideas. What are the possible alternatives? Lastly, among the alternatives listed, "reach enthusiastic agreement" about one.
You can read these guidelines and other themes of Harley's books at his website. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graph...
Harley concludes the book with an application to sex, time with extended family, and basic budgeting. He reminds the reader that his system demands no fewer than 15 hours of undivided attention for your spouse each week.
In all, I give this book 2 stars out of 5. It was much shorter than His Needs, Her Needs but has the same fundamental flaw of an unbiblical worldview and absence of the Gospel. I gleaned a few good points about communication and negotiation, but recognize that much of what he writes about "enthusiastic agreement" is unrealistic. It is a publish-or-perish world out there, so I guess Harley has to keep cranking little books like this out to maintain an income flow.
His Needs, Her Needs operated from a clearly Freudian foundation and this book is no different. Much of it revolves around the man's sexual satisfaction as the base of marital happiness. Harley has a PhD in psychology and a long-time marriage counselor; he opens the book with a look at neuropsychology and how the brains of men and women are biologically different. These differences explain differences in perceptions, judgement, decision-making, and personality.
The basic premise: Continual self-sacrifice creates a "win-lose" situation where one spouse may be submissively unhappy with his end of the bargain. So, a wife who submits to her husband's wishes because that's how she understands her role as a wife is likely unhappy about much of it. My personal takeaway from this idea is that in marriage we should not suffer in silence. We should not submit with a silent hope that "I'll go along with what he wants this time, and hopefully he'll reciprocate by doing something I want another time." That's not grace, it's secretly trying to earn merit and hoping for the best, and it's a recipe for bitterness. Harley is right that the spouse submitted to will likely not see the submission as sacrificial and will simply come to expect it. "Of course that's how it should be done," he might say. Instead, a wife (for example) can say "I'll go along with this because I love and respect you. I trust that the consequences of this decision will lead to a happier husband who is also willing to listen to my needs and concerns and help me out as well. But let's sit down and work out something we can both be happy with."
"Don't be a dictator," writes Harley. Too often spouses play "dual dictator" roles, playing a game of tit-for-tat over how something should be done. You will each be in an "I told you so!" mode, which is unhelpful. Harley advocates a "democratic marriage" in which both parties win and decisions aren't made unless both parties can be in "enthusiastic agreement" about the decision. He refers back to the "love bank" idea of His Needs, Her Needs-- win-win agreements allow couples to make simultaneous deposits in the others' love bank.
Reluctant agreement on issues is "dangerous" and "enthusiastic agreement" is a "must." As a practical example, Harley recommends grocery shopping together without the kids frequently. Fill the cart with things you know you'll both be enthusiastic about eating. Then, allow for some experimentation--the wife can pick a couple things she's most confident the husband will like if he just tries it. If he doesn't like it, it never gets bought again. Only buy things you will both be happy about.
Now, think about the impractical nature of this for a minute (I owe this critique to my wife). What if there is a particular food allergy one spouse has, or one is a vegetarian? Should they only buy foods they both really want? Harley allows for the rule to be broken in times of urgency or medical emergency. But, in general, he seems to be saying that husband and wife should always eat together and never differ in their choices. Separate interests are listed as "harmful," and Harley encourages husbands to find activities that the wife enjoys doing to. Trading horses by saying "I'm going bowling with the guys tonight, and you can go shopping with the girls tomorrow" are two different win-lose situations-- they violate Harley's rule and he discourages such trade-offs. Harley applies this thinking to career decisions as well, pursuing a career because you're gifted at it or you particularly like it is not a good enough reason-- you should only do it if both you and your spouse agree on how the career affects each other. Remember, no self-sacrifice of one spouse putting career behind the other--at least for the long-haul (his wife worked while he finished his PhD).
The other practical problem is with "enthusiastic agreement." How many times do you make a decision that you're truly "enthusiastic" about? I approach decisions with probability in mind: there is uncertainty what the result of the decision will be and how happy either of us will be with the outcome. We'll likely be revisiting this decision down the road and adjusting or wishing we'd done something differently. When writing about how to meet others' needs when you are not enthusiastic about it, Harley gives somewhat of a cop-out in the form of self-sacrifice called something else. He basically says "enjoy the consequences" you'll have of having a happier spouse. Communicate about it and see if you can reach a different arrangement in areas where you're unhappy.
Harley gives some principles of negotiation. Negotiation can only happen when you've established a framework that you guarantee the others' safety and be kind. Ground rules include being "pleasant and cheerful" throughout negotiations. If you reach an impasse, come back to the table later. There has to be trust, in other words. First, both sides need to come to the table knowing what he/she wants. (This also might be unrealistic if one spouse feels strongly about the issue more than the other, see the "enthusiastic" critique above). Ask "How would you feel if...?" questions to introduce what you want. Brainstorm together, use a notebook to record ideas. What are the possible alternatives? Lastly, among the alternatives listed, "reach enthusiastic agreement" about one.
You can read these guidelines and other themes of Harley's books at his website. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graph...
Harley concludes the book with an application to sex, time with extended family, and basic budgeting. He reminds the reader that his system demands no fewer than 15 hours of undivided attention for your spouse each week.
In all, I give this book 2 stars out of 5. It was much shorter than His Needs, Her Needs but has the same fundamental flaw of an unbiblical worldview and absence of the Gospel. I gleaned a few good points about communication and negotiation, but recognize that much of what he writes about "enthusiastic agreement" is unrealistic. It is a publish-or-perish world out there, so I guess Harley has to keep cranking little books like this out to maintain an income flow.
April 2, 2022
Good book if you have trouble making decisions together or repeatedly argue and bicker. I didn't find it entirely helpful overall so I started to skim the book. Then again, I didn't choose this book because our marriage needed this.
The author presents one and only one way of resolving conflicts, which isn't realistic. It felt like this author's 'way' of negotiating was written just like my Business Law book. I had to take Biz law twice, it was so dull and complex.
So, overall it was ok, but I wouldn't recommend it.
The author presents one and only one way of resolving conflicts, which isn't realistic. It felt like this author's 'way' of negotiating was written just like my Business Law book. I had to take Biz law twice, it was so dull and complex.
So, overall it was ok, but I wouldn't recommend it.
March 20, 2022
"Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Enthusiastic agreement begins the goal of negotiation whenever a couple faces a conflict. In other words, they both must win or they keep negotiating."
May 21, 2021
It has some good advice, but on the other side there are also promises of going deeper with concrete soluțions that are never happening, except sending to the website.
June 18, 2025
Possibly my favorite book on marriage.
November 29, 2021
Conflictele dintre soți sunt inevitabile. Eu și soția mea, Joyce, ne certăm cel puțin o dată la fiecare oră. Perspectivele noastre asupra modului în care ar trebui rezolvată o problemă sunt adesea complet diferite. În ciuda acestor neînțelegeri, însă, am devenit experți în soluționarea conflictelor aproape la fel de repede cum încep. Iar abilitățile pe care le-am dezvoltat în gestionarea rapidă și eficientă a dezacordurilor dintre noi ne-au ajutat să avem o căsnicie mult mai împlinită și mai fericită. Dar dacă n-am fi știut cum să facem asta? Ce s-ar fi întâmplat dacă neînțelegerile noastre ar fi rămas nesoluționate? Dacă ne-am fi certat sau ne-am fi pus piedici unul altuia, în loc să găsim soluții? De-a lungul anilor, conflictele s-ar fi acumulat. Și până acum, după 50 de ani de căsnicie, am fi fost copleșiți de conflicte nerezolvate. N-am mai fi fost în stare nici să locuim împreună.
Când eram tânăr, era o regulă ca orice cuplu să se căsătorească, să aibă copii și să-i crească împreună. Astăzi, dimpotrivă, în SUA majoritatea adulților sunt singuri, peste 40% dintre copii sunt crescuți de un părinte care nu s-a căsătorit niciodată, și procentajul celor care aleg să se căsătorească scade dramatic. Iar cuplurile căsătorite se confruntă adesea cu divorțul. În această carte, îmi voi îndrepta atenția către unul dintre motivele acestei schimbări majore în cultura noastră – neputința de a negocia cu succes. Când se confruntă cu conflicte, majoritatea cuplurilor nu știu cum să le soluționeze în așa fel încât amândoi să fie mulțumiți.
Nu e ceva nou. Terapeuții pentru cupluri au devenit conștienți de această problemă după ce rata divorțurilor a crescut dramatic în anii 1960. Atunci s-au scris mai multe cărți pentru a ajuta cuplurile să comunice, să se înțeleagă, să se asculte și să se respecte reciproc într-un mod mai eficient. Așadar, poate vă întrebați ce aș mai putea adăuga ce nu a fost spus deja. Ceea ce-i diferit în privința abordării mele pentru rezolvarea conflictelor conjugale este obiectivul ei final: cei doi parteneri să fie îndrăgostiți. În vreme ce majoritatea terapeuților consideră soluționarea conflictului conjugal un scop în sine, eu îl privesc ca pe un mijloc de a atinge un obiectiv. Dacă o soluționare vă
dezvoltă sentimentul de dragoste, sunt de acord – înseamnă că a fost pusă în practică așa cum se cuvine. Totuși, dacă nu izbutește să vă intensifice sentimentele, sunt de părere că ați făcut ceva greșit.
De-a lungul carierei mele în domeniul terapiei de cuplu am avut de-a face cu multe cupluri care nu întâmpinau dificultăți în a comunica într-un mod respectuos, dar doreau să divorțeze pentru că nu se mai iubeau. Însă n-am întâlnit niciodată un cuplu în care să existe iubire și să-și dorească să se despartă. Citind această carte și aplicând învățăturile în modul în care gestionați conflictele, veți învăța cum să comunicați într-un mod eficient și să vă rezolvați neînțelegerile – garantat. Însă veți descoperi un lucru și mai important. Veți învăța să o faceți într-o manieră care vă va ajuta să vă redescoperiți pasiunea pentru celălalt.
Când eram tânăr, era o regulă ca orice cuplu să se căsătorească, să aibă copii și să-i crească împreună. Astăzi, dimpotrivă, în SUA majoritatea adulților sunt singuri, peste 40% dintre copii sunt crescuți de un părinte care nu s-a căsătorit niciodată, și procentajul celor care aleg să se căsătorească scade dramatic. Iar cuplurile căsătorite se confruntă adesea cu divorțul. În această carte, îmi voi îndrepta atenția către unul dintre motivele acestei schimbări majore în cultura noastră – neputința de a negocia cu succes. Când se confruntă cu conflicte, majoritatea cuplurilor nu știu cum să le soluționeze în așa fel încât amândoi să fie mulțumiți.
Nu e ceva nou. Terapeuții pentru cupluri au devenit conștienți de această problemă după ce rata divorțurilor a crescut dramatic în anii 1960. Atunci s-au scris mai multe cărți pentru a ajuta cuplurile să comunice, să se înțeleagă, să se asculte și să se respecte reciproc într-un mod mai eficient. Așadar, poate vă întrebați ce aș mai putea adăuga ce nu a fost spus deja. Ceea ce-i diferit în privința abordării mele pentru rezolvarea conflictelor conjugale este obiectivul ei final: cei doi parteneri să fie îndrăgostiți. În vreme ce majoritatea terapeuților consideră soluționarea conflictului conjugal un scop în sine, eu îl privesc ca pe un mijloc de a atinge un obiectiv. Dacă o soluționare vă
dezvoltă sentimentul de dragoste, sunt de acord – înseamnă că a fost pusă în practică așa cum se cuvine. Totuși, dacă nu izbutește să vă intensifice sentimentele, sunt de părere că ați făcut ceva greșit.
De-a lungul carierei mele în domeniul terapiei de cuplu am avut de-a face cu multe cupluri care nu întâmpinau dificultăți în a comunica într-un mod respectuos, dar doreau să divorțeze pentru că nu se mai iubeau. Însă n-am întâlnit niciodată un cuplu în care să existe iubire și să-și dorească să se despartă. Citind această carte și aplicând învățăturile în modul în care gestionați conflictele, veți învăța cum să comunicați într-un mod eficient și să vă rezolvați neînțelegerile – garantat. Însă veți descoperi un lucru și mai important. Veți învăța să o faceți într-o manieră care vă va ajuta să vă redescoperiți pasiunea pentru celălalt.
October 7, 2013
Title: HE WINS, SHE WINS
Author: Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Publisher: Revell
October 2013
ISBN: 978-0800722517
Genre: Marriage/relationships
Every conflict in your marriage is an opportunity to fall more deeply in love.
You've probably heard a lot of advice on how to resolve conflicts in your marriage. What you may not know is that if a resolution comes only in order to keep the peace, it's no resolution at all. Marriage expert Willard F. Harley, Jr., says there's a better way.
What's different about the He Wins, She Wins approach is the ultimate goal--for you and your spouse to grow in your love for each other. This win-win model for negotiation starts with a simple rule: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
Think that sounds impossible? In this book, Dr. Harley will show you how it's been done in his marriage of over fifty years--and in the marriages of the thousands of couples he's counseled. He'll explain the art of marital negotiation, show you how to resolve common conflicts the right way, and help you overcome these common obstacles:
• emotional reactions are preventing calm discussion
• neither of you wants to talk about an issue
• one or both of you are indecisive
• one of you is happy with the status quo
• being enthusiastic about anything doesn't seem possible
And above all, he'll show you how every decision you make together will increase your love for each other.
HE WINS, SHE WINS, is another marriage-help book, that will help teach couples how to successfully resolve conflicts in their marriage and strengthen love at the same time. As a marriage counselor he’s seen people treat each other with respect but yet still file for divorce because they fell out of love. So he wants to help improve the love between couples.
There are some worksheets included such as the Marital Negotiations Worksheet, Emotional Needs Questionaire, and the Love Busters Questionaire, as well as helpful chapters such as How to negotiate when you are emotional. Or indecisive. Or not enthusiastic about the issue.
I’ve been married twenty-five years and we learned, through trial and error, what works and what doesn’t. I read the book for review, not because I don’t get along with my husband. I did learn some things—enough to recommend this book for any newlywed couple or ones that are struggling to find common ground to avoid divorce. Hard cover, with a dustcover, $19.99. 192 pages.
Author: Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Publisher: Revell
October 2013
ISBN: 978-0800722517
Genre: Marriage/relationships
Every conflict in your marriage is an opportunity to fall more deeply in love.
You've probably heard a lot of advice on how to resolve conflicts in your marriage. What you may not know is that if a resolution comes only in order to keep the peace, it's no resolution at all. Marriage expert Willard F. Harley, Jr., says there's a better way.
What's different about the He Wins, She Wins approach is the ultimate goal--for you and your spouse to grow in your love for each other. This win-win model for negotiation starts with a simple rule: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
Think that sounds impossible? In this book, Dr. Harley will show you how it's been done in his marriage of over fifty years--and in the marriages of the thousands of couples he's counseled. He'll explain the art of marital negotiation, show you how to resolve common conflicts the right way, and help you overcome these common obstacles:
• emotional reactions are preventing calm discussion
• neither of you wants to talk about an issue
• one or both of you are indecisive
• one of you is happy with the status quo
• being enthusiastic about anything doesn't seem possible
And above all, he'll show you how every decision you make together will increase your love for each other.
HE WINS, SHE WINS, is another marriage-help book, that will help teach couples how to successfully resolve conflicts in their marriage and strengthen love at the same time. As a marriage counselor he’s seen people treat each other with respect but yet still file for divorce because they fell out of love. So he wants to help improve the love between couples.
There are some worksheets included such as the Marital Negotiations Worksheet, Emotional Needs Questionaire, and the Love Busters Questionaire, as well as helpful chapters such as How to negotiate when you are emotional. Or indecisive. Or not enthusiastic about the issue.
I’ve been married twenty-five years and we learned, through trial and error, what works and what doesn’t. I read the book for review, not because I don’t get along with my husband. I did learn some things—enough to recommend this book for any newlywed couple or ones that are struggling to find common ground to avoid divorce. Hard cover, with a dustcover, $19.99. 192 pages.
January 11, 2015
There are two parts to review in regards to this audiobook. The first is content, the second is quality of narration.
In regards to content, the book’s premise seems fairly solid. By the “Marriage Doctor,” this book seeks to help couples learn to negotiate effectively. Being in my second marriage myself, and having fostered union contract negotiations a couple of times in the past, I can definitely see how Harley can compare the two.
However, negotiations typically has the goal of everything being tolerable of the results. In negotiations, one must give and take. Yet, in marriage, there is the belief that a give and take should not be necessary for happiness. For some couples, this may be so. For others, however, sometimes being satisfied is good enough. Regardless of one’s approach to marriage, what Harley presents is a method of conflict management.
Seeing the astonishing rates of divorce in America today, mostly due to “irreconcilable differences,” this book may be just what married couples need. Harley’s ultimate goals is for the couple to be in love with each other. This is different than some approaches, however, which aim to resolve even if it places stress on the marriage.
When looking at narration, I must say that I am not impressed. Yes, it is narrated by the author. Yes, there are appropriate pauses and inflection. And yes, one can follow along with the pace. Despite all these, being the “boxes to check off,” the narration does not grab the reader. While Harley has spent significant time and effort in his book, no doubt, it feels as if the narration was not given the life it needs to take off and create its own following. If the narration is in any way a prelude to the author’s overall voice of the text, however, then readers will ultimately loose interest and not finish the reading.
With that in mind, perhaps this book is more of a workbook than a leisure book…
Disclosure: I was contracted to write an honest review in exchange for a reviewer copy of the product. The opinions stated in this review are solely my own.
In regards to content, the book’s premise seems fairly solid. By the “Marriage Doctor,” this book seeks to help couples learn to negotiate effectively. Being in my second marriage myself, and having fostered union contract negotiations a couple of times in the past, I can definitely see how Harley can compare the two.
However, negotiations typically has the goal of everything being tolerable of the results. In negotiations, one must give and take. Yet, in marriage, there is the belief that a give and take should not be necessary for happiness. For some couples, this may be so. For others, however, sometimes being satisfied is good enough. Regardless of one’s approach to marriage, what Harley presents is a method of conflict management.
Seeing the astonishing rates of divorce in America today, mostly due to “irreconcilable differences,” this book may be just what married couples need. Harley’s ultimate goals is for the couple to be in love with each other. This is different than some approaches, however, which aim to resolve even if it places stress on the marriage.
When looking at narration, I must say that I am not impressed. Yes, it is narrated by the author. Yes, there are appropriate pauses and inflection. And yes, one can follow along with the pace. Despite all these, being the “boxes to check off,” the narration does not grab the reader. While Harley has spent significant time and effort in his book, no doubt, it feels as if the narration was not given the life it needs to take off and create its own following. If the narration is in any way a prelude to the author’s overall voice of the text, however, then readers will ultimately loose interest and not finish the reading.
With that in mind, perhaps this book is more of a workbook than a leisure book…
Disclosure: I was contracted to write an honest review in exchange for a reviewer copy of the product. The opinions stated in this review are solely my own.
October 12, 2013
I wanted to read He Wins She Wins for obvious reason; I want to win! While I’m mostly kidding I was intrigued by the concept of my husband and I both winning. I’m of the belief that in compromise, everyone loses. So I was curious to see what Mr. Harley had to say about this.
Interestingly enough, he did also feel that with compromise everyone loses but that there is a way for everyone to win. What? Yup, that’s what I said!
When he went through the most common things couples fight over and their typical ways of fighting, I recognized a few too many on both lists! His philosophy is this “Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.” I know what you’re thinking and I thought it too. No one is going to be enthusiastic about doing something they don’t want to do.
Sadly, even after reading the book I feel this way to some degree. I understand his points and his way of getting there but unless you BOTH agree to be enthusiastic about it to begin with, you aren’t going to get anywhere. To me, it’s not really a realistic expectation. Couples fight and disagree and while there is a way to do this correctly and a way to do it incorrectly, I think it’s ok to be realistic and know that not everyone is going to be enthusiastic or happy about it.
It’s a bit of a Catch 22. While I agree that you will get somewhere if both are equally enthusiastic, I think getting there is the challenge!
Like any book on marriage, you both have to be equally willing to do the work and accept everything that is suggested in order to succeed. I think many couples will find He Wins She Wins full of great insights and tips on making it work; I just didn’t feel it was for me.
Interestingly enough, he did also feel that with compromise everyone loses but that there is a way for everyone to win. What? Yup, that’s what I said!
When he went through the most common things couples fight over and their typical ways of fighting, I recognized a few too many on both lists! His philosophy is this “Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.” I know what you’re thinking and I thought it too. No one is going to be enthusiastic about doing something they don’t want to do.
Sadly, even after reading the book I feel this way to some degree. I understand his points and his way of getting there but unless you BOTH agree to be enthusiastic about it to begin with, you aren’t going to get anywhere. To me, it’s not really a realistic expectation. Couples fight and disagree and while there is a way to do this correctly and a way to do it incorrectly, I think it’s ok to be realistic and know that not everyone is going to be enthusiastic or happy about it.
It’s a bit of a Catch 22. While I agree that you will get somewhere if both are equally enthusiastic, I think getting there is the challenge!
Like any book on marriage, you both have to be equally willing to do the work and accept everything that is suggested in order to succeed. I think many couples will find He Wins She Wins full of great insights and tips on making it work; I just didn’t feel it was for me.
December 3, 2013
I am a big believer in reading books on marriage. When I heard about He Wins, She Wins, I knew it was a book I had to read. I'm not a good negotiator. My husband won't even play Monopoly with me, because I can't negotiate the trade of play property. A whole book on marital negotiation seemed to be a good fit for me. I'm glad that I took the time to read it. Harley gives many good points about making marriage negotiations work. I'm competitive by nature, so often my negotiation strategy is a win-lose ordeal. No one likes to lose, and Harley points out that win-lose situations are really lose-lose situations in marriage. Some of the concepts that he gives in this book are not easy to live in the day to day, but I can see how, if they are effectively implemented, they can change the whole dynamic of a marriage from good to great. I don't know about you, but I want a great marriage.
I highly recommend this book to married or engaged couples.
Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.
I highly recommend this book to married or engaged couples.
Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.
April 24, 2025
SACRIFICIAL LOVE IS A TRAP. The book hammers home that “sacrificial love” actually poisons marriage: when you sacrifice in secret, you don’t share your true feelings, and it kills openness. What starts as voluntary soon becomes expected, leading to disappointment and resentment. Plus, sacrifice usually ends with expecting something in return, turning relationships into silent scorekeeping.
WIN-WIN OVER SACRIFICE. The romanticized idea of sacrificing for love is just wrong. In business, both parties aim for a win-win, and relationships should operate that way too - nobody should have to “take one for the team.” Stop making demands; keep discussions pleasant and safe, hit pause if things get heated.
CONFLICT RULES. Ground rule: all conflict-solving must be pleasant and safe for both. If you’re angry, pause and come back later. Both perspectives must be stated so everyone understands each other’s views, and both are respected. Never trade “I’ll let you win this time, if I get next time” - strive for solutions where neither person loses.
ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT ONLY. Don’t act unless you both reach enthusiastic agreement. If you haven’t reached it, do nothing.
WIN-WIN OVER SACRIFICE. The romanticized idea of sacrificing for love is just wrong. In business, both parties aim for a win-win, and relationships should operate that way too - nobody should have to “take one for the team.” Stop making demands; keep discussions pleasant and safe, hit pause if things get heated.
CONFLICT RULES. Ground rule: all conflict-solving must be pleasant and safe for both. If you’re angry, pause and come back later. Both perspectives must be stated so everyone understands each other’s views, and both are respected. Never trade “I’ll let you win this time, if I get next time” - strive for solutions where neither person loses.
ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT ONLY. Don’t act unless you both reach enthusiastic agreement. If you haven’t reached it, do nothing.
June 17, 2015
The main point of this book is inescapable... husbands and wives should come to overwhelming agreement before doing anything of importance. While I don't disagree with this, it didn't take a book of this length to get that message across. It was actually well written, and I enjoyed listening to it. There came a time, though, when I was wondering if the author was going to make some other point... and he didn't. The bottom line is that this book is way too long for what it says. Either make a shorter book, or put more meat into it.
June 23, 2020
Mi s-a părut foarte constructiva abordarea autorului. Si inedită. El propune ca rezolvarea conflictelor intr-o căsnicie sa se faca de fiecare data printr-o negociere win-win. Pare utopica propunerea, dar vine si cu o solutie de implementare, care, zice el, daca e aplicată cu deschidere de ambii parteneri, da rezultate. Deocamdată am trecut doar prin partea teoretica si am dat trei stele. Dar cartea vine si cu anexe de exercitii practice. Asa ca, dupa ce o sa încerc sa implementez metoda si in viața reala de cuplu, daca vad si ceva rezultate, revin si cresc ratingul la patru stele.
September 1, 2016
Fantastic book on marriage! One of the most essential books on the topic that I've read. It talks mostly about the negotiating dynamics within marriage, suggesting that the best outcome for any marriage is what a couple agrees on a win-win or mutually beneficial decision. Many times couples fall into default modes of sacrifice or domineering, and ultimately that creates problems within a marriage. Really worth the read.
April 2, 2017
In this book Dr. Harley discusses how to really work on a marriage. In this book he talks of disputes and looking for a way for both people to come out winning. He mentions a lot of resources he has on his website http://www.marriagebuilders.com . This book is great for newlyweds or seasoned spouses.
March 2, 2016
Some good guidelines on how to successfully negotiate, with some concrete examples and suggestions for specific situations. However, I don't resonate with his "Love Bank" analogy, and his suggestions aren't really grounded in anything other than his (considerable) number of years of experience as a counselor.
December 29, 2021
O carte foarte utila pentru cei ce sunt dispuși să aibă o viața mai bună și să își rezolve problemele.Problemele sunt dificil de rezolvat într-o relație, mai ales când partenerii sunt foarte diferiți, iar autorul abordează mai multe perspective inclusiv pe tema asta.
May 7, 2014
RATING 2.25 STARS
There are some good points made and practical advice given here, but there is an awful lot of repetition that gets quite annoying.
There are some good points made and practical advice given here, but there is an awful lot of repetition that gets quite annoying.
May 3, 2015
Fantastic book! Very insightful, fair and simple yet profound. I enjoyed it a lot!
I would recommend it to any husband and wife at any stage in their marriage!
I would recommend it to any husband and wife at any stage in their marriage!
March 9, 2017
A book aimed at couples that have major communication problems. Not needed from me and stephanie because I'm right 100% of the time. easy easy
November 21, 2014
This was a free audiobook from a website I follow. Okay points but not groundbreaking. Audiobook was very dry.
January 20, 2016
I appreciated this book and its premise and tools. All the resources on their website look good, too!
August 19, 2021
Good book for couples new or old, I recommend reading after the first 2 books by the same author, His needs her needs and Love Busters.
July 15, 2021
Very interesting book
June 28, 2022
O carte ușurică cu multe tips & tricks.
Merită să fie citită sau ascultată pentru a înțelege mai bine cum să mediezi anumite situații în relație.
Merită să fie citită sau ascultată pentru a înțelege mai bine cum să mediezi anumite situații în relație.
July 15, 2022
Un ghid bun de urmat pentru o reteta de suuces in ceea ce priveste relatia de cuplu
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