Dazzling Darkness: Gender, Sexuality, Illness and God

by Rachel Mann

Dazzling Darkness is a true story about searching for one's authentic self in the company of the living God.

Genres: Queer, Theology, Nonfiction, Memoir, Religion, LGBT

140 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Librarian note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name

Rachel Mann is a British Anglican priest, poet and feminist theologian. She is a trans woman who writes, speaks and broadcasts on a wide range of topics including gender, sexuality and religion.

Reviews

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve so enjoyed discovering Rev. Rachel Mann’s work: poetry collection A Kingdom of Love, Advent devotional In the Bleak Midwinter, and debut novel The Gospel of Eve. This is a revised edition of her memoir, which is less an autobiographical blow-by-blow of becoming a trans priest in the Church of England than it is a theological meditation based around keywords like loneliness, reconciliation and vocation. She reflects on the apparent contradictions of her life: she was a typical boy who loved nothing more than toy guns, and then a young man obsessed with drugs and guitars; as ‘Nick’, she was married to a woman at the time of coming out, but continued to have relationships with women after transitioning and undergoing reassignment surgery, so considers herself a lesbian.

Ambiguities like this make us uncomfortable, Mann notes, but change and loss, and making the best of impossible situations, are all a part of the human condition. I appreciated how she characterizes herself as a perennial beginner: having to face the world anew after the second adolescence of becoming a woman as well as after the end of a long-term relationship and the last in a series of hospitalizations for severe Crohn’s disease.

While I’ve read other trans memoirs (Amateur by Thomas Page McBee and Conundrum by Jan Morris), this is my first from a Christian perspective, apart from the essays in The Book of Queer Prophets. Mann describes her early faith as intense but shallow, like falling in love; later it became deeper but darker as she followed Jesus’s path of suffering. Ministry has been a gift but is not without challenges: At synod meetings she is unsure whether to speak out or remain silent, but at least she bears witness to the presence of trans people in the Church.

Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.

[Eve · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually will struggle to find words for what I think and how I feel after finishing this book. I relate to so much of it that I had to keep putting it down to digest the reality that somebody else has experienced God like I have also experienced God-- obviously not in the small details but in the overarching themes. I could have written bits of it myself, and in fact some of the stuff about calling and illness I have written very similar stuff on blogs and in diaries. That said, I don't think I could have wirtten this actual book: the way it was structured and its wonderful poetic interludes; rachel mann has done such an amazing job of putting herself and her experiences across, I have much to learn from her. She is honest in a way that i am only just starting to dare myself to be-- she is courageously honest and funny with it, too. I have underlined and commented all the way through the book, but just wanted to share a few lines I found particularly striking: 'it was an act of violence against the normal course of things. And yet without it I would not have achieved the degree and depth of self-reconcilliation that I have. I would not have known the wholeness that comes from a real sense of self-acceptance'. This is with regards sex-reassignment surgery. She draws out the reality of violence in christ's death, and how it was only through this violence that the resurrection happened; that violence is not always something that can be turned away from, as difficult as that is, but it can produce reconcilliation. This rang true for me on many levels, but especially on the level of me completely cutting off (and I would use the word 'killing' of) my old self, my change of both first and last name by deed poll, cutting off past relationships, my attempt to save myself by effectively 'killing' my self and starting again. This doesn't entail the physical act of re-assignment surgery, but has been something that I have felt uncomfortable at times with, especially with regards God. I have asked questions like 'who is that old me, to God? was it right that I killed her?' but the answer might always be 'yes' in that it allowed me to live, no matter how emotionally violent it was: it saved me. This book I have found to be very validating and important. Rachel Mann has great insight and writes incisively. You should read this book if you want to read about honest Christianity that doesn't shy away from the realities, the pain and the darkness that can surround issues of faith. Also, if you are lgbtq and struggling with faith or curious about it, then this would be a good book for you. If you are not lgbt or q and wish for greater insight into faith for somebody who is (rachel is trans and lesbian), then also I would highly recommend this personal account above (or at least before) any academic queer theology. Rachel also deals with the issue of chronic illness in her life and how faith can be experienced differently by those who are living the daily realities of chronic and/or serious illness. Highly recommended.

[Naomi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked the perspective this book gave on God and gender identity, especially the bits about the god in darkness and brokenness. The writing didn’t really click with me though, and felt a little academic and unwieldy at times.

[Jules Bertaut · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memoir reflecting on being trans, chronic illness, and theology. It was pretty good but I'd have liked it if there was a little more about how these things interrelate.

[Huw · Rating 4 out of 5]

Always so robust! Thank you Rachel for reaching into the depths for us.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unfailingly honest and joyfully nuanced and incarnational.

[Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not an easy book. Despite it being under two hundred pages, it's taken me a few days to work through. It deals with pain, disease, identity, gender reallocation, peace, faith, death and resurrection. And hope. And honesty. I think the last two shine out amongst the rest of the book in the sense that within the darkness of pain God is there. And in the darkness of rejection, God is there. in the darkness of transition from male to female, God is there. That last one was I found the most challenging and thought provoking. I will want to come back and reflect more on this later.

If you've not read this book yet, then you need to.

[Rebecca R · Rating 4 out of 5]

A moving and articulate exploration of identity and, in the context of incredibly difficult circumstances, an argument for faith and hope.