Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir

by Tre Miller Rodriguez

At 18, Tré gave her newborn daughter up for adoption. At 19, her only sibling was killed in a car crash. At 34, she lost her husband to a sudden heart attack. But at 36, her teenage daughter found her on Facebook and began to reshape the course of Tré’s life. The sum of these milestones is Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir, a nonfiction work that is equal parts inspiring, irreverent and heart-rending.

Through sharply immediate prose, Tré unpacks her experience of being young and widowed in New York City: the “dumb sh*% people say”; the “brave face” she wears to work or social events; and the lack of solace in one-night stands.

Her perspective only begins shifting when she spontaneously brings Alberto’s ashes on a trip and sets into motion the ritual of spreading him in bodies of water around the world. Traveling to Bucket List destinations like Savannah, Brazil and Cuba, Tré discovers a strategy for facing her roughest days.

Alberto’s loss becomes a portal through which Tré views her past and embraces her future: she quits her corporate job, explores her husband’s homeland of Cuba and joyfully reunites with her biological daughter in North Carolina. A deeply moving narrative, Splitting the Difference is written with the “raw-thenticity” of a woman transformed by heartbreak and inspired by love’s legacy.

Genres: Memoir, Grief, Nonfiction, Death

293 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 5, 2013

About the author

As a young publicist, Tré Miller Rodríguez fell in love with a 30-something Cuban ad exec and married him on the eighth date. Their love story—and his sudden death four years later—became the inspiration for "Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir" and her popular blog, WhiteElephantInTheRoom.com. An award-winning copywriter and UC Berkeley graduate, Tré’s essays have appeared in The New York Times, Manhattan Magazine and on HuffingtonPost.com. She lives in New York City and overshares on Twitter.

Reviews

[Mandy Goldberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book earned an esteemed place on my bookshelf because of its unexpectedly searing, shamelessly raw storytelling. As though sitting with a friend and recounting the story for the first time, Miller Rodríguez deftly unravels these 12+ months following Alberto's death without sentimentality or fear of judgement. She does not try to turn her husband into a martyr, nor she give in to playing the role of the victim. She presents herself, Alberto and their marriage nakedly—warts and all, when necessary. Many memoirs indulge in saccharine-sweet nostalgia, woe-is-me pity or a dramatic sense of triumph. Tré's memoir recounts, in turn, sweet, sad and victorious moments—but not in a way that causes cavities. Her emotions are real—she is angry, she is forlorn, she is hopeful, she is confused (often all at once), and as readers, we're taken on a goosebump-inducing, heartbreaking ride.

Her story reads as unedited in so many refreshing ways. We are invited to read the details of her journey that are cringe-worthy, tear-worthy, laughter-worthy—details that would let you judge her, if you so choose. But Tré's honesty, and willingness to be judged, inspire introspection more than they demand critique. Rather than sitting by as spectators, readers of "Splitting the Difference" will wind up asking themselves how they might respond if in a similar situation. And although we'd all like to think that, somehow, our each and every move would be equal parts grief, respect and healing, Tré's book reminds us how easily those three emotions become entwined, proving that there is no right answer to how we continue to live our life in the face of tragedy.

Loss, like love, is curiously both universal and unique. For as much as we each experience them differently, "Splitting the Difference" serves as a smart, insightful, and ultimately uplifting reminder that, like two strangers meeting at New York's Soho House, there is a greater commonality to our experiences than we might have thought.

[Clementine Ford · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's been a while since I've read a book that really hooked me. I've floated through multiple books at a time, picking up and putting down depending on the room I'm in. I started to think it was me- then I read Splitting the Difference. I first cracked it while waiting in the car and by the second page I could feel my whole body settling down and into the story. THIS was what I had been waiting for. The descriptions and details are shattering. The opening scene is in no way sugar coated- it's brutal. As I read on, I dug deeper in and would cary the book everywhere. When I finished it, I considered starting it again. Instead though, ill pass it on because everyone should have a chance to read it.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is more of a thank you than a review. Of course the book was amazing and well written and flowed beautifully and I would of read it in one sitting if I didn't actually need to eat, or sleep. But what I really want to say is Thank you to Tre, for allowing us the reader to join her on her journey to healing. The rawness and honesty taps into the reader's emotions and brings them to a place where you think about how you would react, how would you make it through the day. A person can not finish this book and not have a desire to do better, live better and love better. And for that I thank you.

[Lesley]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this memoir. I never thought I would be saying these words because I ONLY read fiction books. I can't believe how much I enjoyed a non-fiction book and a memoir at that. I was so enamored with the author and her story because of the clever and witty way she talks about her life. You feel connected to her, you feel drawn to her, and you feel like you need to know more about her. The book is incredibly well written and so honest that it makes you laugh, cry, and feel more than a great deal of fiction does. I would highly recommend this book!

[Claire Simms · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, full of joy, and heart-wrenching all at the same time. The kind of book where you go to hide your eyes to get through the painful parts like you would at a scary movie. And just when you think your heart can't take it...it's like Tre knows you can't, because she couldn't either....her biting wit and somehow light-hearted sense of humor come through. Read this book now, then remind yourself that you don't actually know Tre, because you're going to feel like she's been with you forever.

[Betsy Talbot · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, if you want to read a raw story about grief and making it through that first year, this one is it. The author is unflinching in her story, even when it is unflattering to herself. It is more than a story of grief; it is a story trusting what you need, accepting your faults, and moving forward imperfectly. Her style of writing is immediately engaging, and even though she lives a life far different than mine, I felt drawn to her story.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story is very real and raw. Tre does not sugar coat the ups and many downs she encounters after the loss of her husband. I was rooting for her all along, and was very inspired by her strength. If anything, Tre makes you realize that life is fragile and to be appreciative of everything you have.

[Anjali · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book to read as a friend of someone experiencing this (a young widow’s grief). I gave her the book at the same time I got it, but it’s still too close to home for her to read. I hope that it will help her, and that my highlights will continue to help me in supporting her. I’ll always associate this book with something terrible, but I think it stands on its own as a good read.

[James Wallman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Roller-coaster, page-turner, funny-sad-true & above all human story… How do you keep a reader reading when they know that the guy is going to die, has to die, and does die early on in the story? Tre Miller Rodriguez does it with brutal, unedited honesty and snappy sentences that hurtle the reader through the story: the morning she wakes up to find her husband dead, what she says to the emergency caller, what she should write for the eulogy, what she should wear for the viewing, how at the viewing she overhears her sister-in-law saying her now deceased husband looked like a “scary Santa” – and how she laugh-cries with her about it. The writing is electric. The pace of the first 50-pages is incredible. Like a movie whose opening scene begins with someone falling through the air and continues at the same speed. And by then we're with her on the journey, discovering what life after a loved one's sudden death feels like, including all the flashbacks, the what-ifs, and a great chapter called Dumb Sh*& People Say. My favourites: At the funeral: “You make a ravishing widow.” And A month and a half after: “So you haven't gotten laid since this happened?” Then, as things are beginning to settle down, she throws in sordid, candid details of her after-death love-life. This includes the puny attempt by a random stranger to satisfy her with the sort of whipping that her husband Alberto used to administer so much better. But truth be told, the story and the pace never settles down. We are always in Tre's head, learning what life is like when the love of your life is taken from you way too soon. If that isn't enough to fill a storybook, we then discover Tre gave a daughter up for adoption at 18… and she and we get to meet her (cue more tear-jerking scenes – though you'll be snuffling tears of happiness at this). It's a roller-coaster of a ride, driven by the 30,000-foot drop in those first pages. It makes your heart race and almost burst. It makes you hope it never happens to you. And, every now and then, it makes you wonder how you'd react if it did.

[Rachel Kramer Bussel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I discovered Rodriguez via her column for Modernloss.com, and was intrigued enough to want to check out her memoir. Her husband's death comes at the start of the book; then, tracing backwards, she shares the story of how they got together, her decision to give up her daughter for adoption when she became pregnant at 18, and her brother's death. The core of the book, though, is about the practical matters surrounding the death of her husband of four years, Alberto. The shock of discovering him dead in their bed only hours after she'd seen him alive is vivid and present throughout the story. There's an immediacy to the writing style here that takes readers right into the heart of both grief and coping with the seemingly endless minutiae of death, the ongoing reminders everpresent in their home and beyond. Rodriguez tackles dating, dealing with family (her own and her husband's), the scattering of his ashes in various locations and her eventual reunion with her daughter in a way that made me want to keep reading. The writing and emotion are raw, yet never without care and thoughtfulness. The portrait painted of their relationship, through flashbacks and mementos and memories, is one of a couple who were different in many ways, but had seared their lives together in pretty much every way, which makes the decisions Rodriguez has to make all the more challenging. Is there sex and drugs? Yes, a little, and it's to her credit that she is unapologetic about what she gets out of them. There's no moralizing here about anything, and certainly no sugarcoating, which is what makes this a brave and haunting memoir.

[Lene Fogelberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir has been on my to-read list for quite some time, I wanted to read it as I was ingrigued by Tré's experiences and all she has gone through. The first pages are shocking, describing the passing of her husband, Alberto, and the immediate events afterwards. I could not put the book down as I was completely drawn into it. When I read on I was suprised by the beauty, the humor and the life that is pouring out of the pages, although covering so much heartbreak. The love she shared with her late husband Alberto can be felt from the first until last page and as reader you can literally feel the pain and longing of the author. In addition to Alberto, you get to meet Tré's only sibling who also passed away, at the young age of 18. Tré finds ways to live through the tragedies at home and by going abroad, and as a reader I felt I was there with her, in journeys to new places and experiences. The meeting with her daughter that was given up for adoption at age 18, is an emotional scene not to be forgotten.

Tré writes with what someone called "raw-thenticity" which makes each scene the more intense. There's no hiding in Tré's book as feelings are shared in complete honesty. It is refreshing, heartwrenching, vulnerable and uplifting. It made me reflect upon life and what I treasure most. Tré has a distinct voice which is highly appealing and makes me hope for more books to come!

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across Tre's blog quite recently and I just had to keep reading it from the first post to the last.
When I finished, I knew I had to read the book.

In about four short years, she has met the love of her life in the most unexpected, magic way, and lost him in the most tragic one.
It was not the story per se that kept me wanting to read what Tre has to say: I am lucky enough to have never experienced such grief. Rather, it is the way Tre recounts the events, conveys her emotions.
How she is not scared of judgement, how, by sharing the magic that they lived together, she encourages other people to be just as brave.

Reading this book will make you appreciate what you have more; it will make you stop and think of what is trivial and what is really important. It will make you want to have the kind of relationships Tre has, not just with Alberto but with family and ultimately with herself. She is brave, she is truthful, she is strong and she overcomes her fears.
She is all of this, and she manages to convey it with her beautiful, truth-to-the word writing.

I cannot wait for her next book. Five stars are really not enough for this one.

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I give nothing away by saying that Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir begins with the death of the author's husband, but even knowing that before I began didn't prepare me for the experience of reading about it.
The story, sadly, is not unique - young widow struggles to find herself in the wake of her husband's death. What makes this story hit so hard is the author's voice. Tré Miller Rodriguez writes in a stream-of-consciousness, did-I-ever-tell-you-about-that-time-when, raw, honest, shooting-the-shit-over-a-bottle-of-wine voice that makes every word hit you right in the gut, heart, or tear ducts, depending on the situation. While I wish some parts had been fleshed out a little more (the appearance of the daughter placed for adoption at birth, in particular), Tré's story is worth every piece of Kleenex and is ultimately sadly uplifting, rather than simply heavy.
The last paragraph begins, "I inhale a sob and exhale a smile" - perhaps the very best way to describe the overall experience of reading Tré's story.

[Shari · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's been a long time since I was as compelled to finish a story as I was with Tre's memoir. Even though I knew there are no big secrets or surprises to unfold, I was consumed with Tre's journey. I dog-eared many pages so that I can continue to be inspired with (and share with others) her and her/Alberto's experiences, philosophy and life lessons. I am so glad for Tre that she found the strength and courage to Split the Difference and that she shared the Difference with us. And, as I move on to things I ignored as I became enveloped in her story, I am reminded of Alberto's "maxim he lived by: Do the thing you are most dreading. And, do it now. "

[Sara Salomons · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read Tre's piece in Modern Love in the Sunday Times and instantly felt a strong pull to read more. I zipped through the book. Couldn't put it down. So real, honest, vulnerable, heartbreaking, engaging, and gutsy. And so full of love and grace. As one who deals with grief of others professionally (I'm a minister), her raw and unfiltered look has given me deeper insight and perspective. Thank you for your offering.

[Natasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not put the book down. I feel like I know Tre personally after this book. I felt like I was invited into her close circle reading her story and journey after Alberto's death. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to meet/hear her at the book reading in NC in May.

[Ninotchka · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read Splitting the Difference with the same immediacy I read Tre's blog when I first discovered it and, just like her blog, it does not disappoint. Bless you, Tre! May you continue to "split the difference with such love, grace & honesty. Can't wait for the next one! xo

[Christine Warner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! I laughed and cried and wanted to be her best friend! I love non-fiction and this was one of the most honest and beautifully written books I have read in a long time. I can't wait to read future books from her!

[Misty · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cried many times reading this book. I am amazed at how resilient the human heart can be. Tre experienced great love and great loss, and yet she is ready to love and embrace life. Brillant author. Brilliant story.

[Michael J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book captures raw emotion in a way I have never experienced before. It's a page turning that will make you laugh, cry and relate to characters on a level which you haven't experienced before. Get ready for a truly amazing experience.

[Amelia Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tre's book will hook you and inspire you from the first page. Raw, beautiful emotions laid out on page after page. This is no oversight of the grief process but pure feeling of what Tre experienced. Great read and great story.

[Jacqui · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many similarities to my own loss that I had to sometimes close the book, exhale, then continue. Loved it!

[Meagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

i like books about people going through shit. this was a lot better than Heaven is Here. less Mormon-y. I think I'd like to be friends with Tre. Nie Nie, not so much.

[Marcia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading this at a nail salon. Big mistake. Instant tears. Just in general don't read this book in public because Tré's heartache is so raw and visceral that you can't help but cry.

[Elaine]

Just read an article by the author in nyt and her story sounds fascinating

[Zeena Koda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, human read. Stumbled on this story after looking into scattering ashes and this story truly touched me. Brilliantly written.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

"...my issues may be long and many, but I do grief the old-fashioned way: with a drink in my hand and a song in my heart."

[Lauren DePino · Rating 5 out of 5]

After I boarded my plane from Philadelphia to Los Angeles, I opened this book. I finished it before we landed. I don’t remember any other details of that flight other than Tré’s stunning story. Tré opens with the morning that her beloved husband, Alberto, suddenly dies of a heart attack. Even though I know that Alberto dies, I find myself doubting that it’s really happening. When I’m reading her pages, Tré’s beautiful unfeigned, unflinching prose makes me feel as if her story is my own. I find myself desperately hoping that something will somehow happen to change the fate of this book and as a result, Tré’s life. But it doesn’t. And along with Tré, I must trudge blindly forward, trusting that we will somehow find peace, even though I have no idea how.

I admire Tré for bravely expressing her grief with unabashed, often brutal honesty. She is not afraid to portray herself as vulnerable. There are days when she can’t get out of bed, when she cannot face her bed alone, when she fruitlessly numbs her pain with alcohol and other short-term fixes. We’ve all been there and if we haven’t yet, we will be someday. Grief is inescapable to the human condition. There is no preparing for it, but we are not alone in it.

Of course Tré talks about some of the most romantic moments in her relationship with Alberto and I genuinely fall in love with them as a couple. But I think it shows tremendous courage to write about the moments when her relationship was less than perfect. The most authentic and worthwhile relationships are flawed and the beauty lies in recognizing them and working through them together.

There are moments in her grief that are so painful and memorable that I feel like they become my moments and my grief, such as her pallbearing at Alberto’s funeral. She stands off with food that was last touched by Alberto when he was living and allows it to accumulate mold until she finally has the heart to throw it away. What a powerful step forward with a simple gesture.

There are moments when Tré is not afraid to say how she would not be enjoying such revelatory moments if Alberto hadn’t died, amazed that “happiness is still happening without him.” I commend her for writing about these moments, for seeing a side of herself who might have never emerged had that tragedy not befallen her. She demonstrates that tragedies aren’t something to cower from—instead we should plunge through and towards them, with reckless abandon, knowing that the only way through is through. And if we can make it, there are hidden rewards along the way. She approaches her grief with a genuine curiosity and a yearning to learn through it all. She makes me wonder—what if we could face every seemingly unbearable situation that way? To just want to know about it to better know ourselves? What a beautiful transformation she goes undergoes. Also, without spoiling the end, I just love it. It was perfect. It gives me more than the peace I needed at the end of this book. It gives me great hope.

[MKF · Rating 3 out of 5]

First of all I am not sure why this was recommended by an atheist site. It came off pretty religious from the beginning.
Second of all though this was a good read that grabbed you I found myself not enjoying it.
Honestly I found myself saying it must be nice a lot as I read this. The author comes from a privileged lifestyle and like other authors writes about it since it is what she knows. I cannot relate to people like that and sometimes I am left confused about it. A new wedding band for the viewing. Designer clothes to be cremated in which left me wondering did she really need to tell us the brand name of his boxers and socks?
We all grieve and experience death differently and I enjoyed how she chose to be a pallbearer. There were some unique ideas for funerals and viewings that the author and her family have done that was interesting to read about.

[Amber · Rating 1 out of 5]

Meh. I couldn't even finish this book. I realize it's a true story and it's an interesting life she leads.. Maybe it was the style in which it was written, but it just couldn't hold my attention. I don't find myself wondering how she's doing or what happens next.