Difficult Conversations: What To Say In Tricky Situations Without Ruining The Relationship

by Anne Dickson

This book gives practical advice for building your assertiveness skills and communicating directly with others. Sample scenarios covering difficult conversations with your partner, friends and family, bosses and colleagues and shows you the right way to get your message across.

Genres: Self Help, Communication, Psychology

239 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

I am a psychologist by profession and have for over three decades been working as a trainer and educator. To those who already know of my work through reading one of my books or attending a workshop or lecture, a warm welcome too.

My commitment and passion have always been to equality, honesty and nonaggression: through both the facilitation of classes, workshops and ongoing courses in an extraordinarily diverse range of contexts and cultures and also through my books, I have attempted to teach and encourage others who are similarly interested in upholding these same values.


The key to what I do - and what I have always done - is authentic communication as the basis of sincere relationship whether that is with our nearest and dearest, with colleagues, with friends or with those we hardly know. Taking responsibility for what we want (or don't want) and for how we express ourselves requires sensitivity to the requirements of love for oneself and others. How do we balance these needs? How do we learn to set limits and say 'no' in unclear relationships? Are we happy with the quality of our relationships? Which people do we really want around us? How can we handle conflict and tension in ways that respect different viewpoints and needs instead of solely aiming for a win/lose outcome? How do we break out of old habits of fear and conditioning and learn to find our real inner voice?

My personal and professional commitment though goes far beyond the limits of self-development for the sake of self-development. Equality, honesty and nonaggression stand in stark contrast to prevailing cultural norms of individualism, competition, dishonesty and aggression. Setting up this website is an attempt to reach out and establish contact with others who also find it hard to maintain these values in today's world: who are keen to promote equality and compassion and an alternative to those models of power we see all around us which continue to do untold harm at every level of existence.

Reviews

[Khalid · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every one of has these instances in our lives in which we need to tell someone something that we know they won’t be happy about, or have a problem with someone’s behavior that we want them to stop, and I doubt any of us like these situations. This book is there to help you with such situations. It gives you some guidelines which help make these situations more successful, and it is full of examples of both good and bad conversations.

The book is really good; it is more original than many self-improvement books. You can feel the author’s personality, which is something I appreciate in a book. I do recommend that you read this book.

Here is one paragraph I really liked in the book:


We end up getting embarrassed about using our own words, imagining they have to be flowery, although, in terms of impact, a couple of honest, mumbled words from the heart come across as more heartfelt than purchased lines of mass marketed sentimental verse.


It is not directly related to the main idea of the book, but it is a great paragraph nonetheless!

[Devin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a really great book about direct communication. The author encourages us to face the vulnerability of intimacy and to tackle our interpersonal problems. She wants us to build our personal power.

The core practice is answering these three questions before getting into a difficult conversation:

What is happening?
How do I feel about it?
What do I want to be different?

Furthermore, "It all hinges on the question: What do you want to be different? Is it something you can reasonably ask for? When it comes to making changes in relationships, we often make the mistake of confusing the two."

I also love her emphasis on viewing others as equals. We are trained to view others and ourselves as occupying rungs on an ever shifting social ladder. We may treat others as above us or beneath us, and both are deeply disrespectful.

To avoid the potential drama of aggression, we (understandably) shy away from expressing ourselves at all. Unfortunately, our habit of pretending we are 'chill' creates aggression: "Attempts to hide anxiety always emerge as defensiveness: these messages trigger in turn an aggressive response."

There's so much more in this book. I highly recommend it for anyone ready to give up aggression.

[Dorothy Nesbit · Rating 4 out of 5]

It must be thirty years or so since I read Anne Dickson's bestselling book on assertiveness, A Woman In Your Own Right. In the intervening years, I have studied multiple approaches to communication and have found that, at its best, it's possible to communicate in ways which build connection and mutual understanding, deepening relationships whilst finding creative ways to meet needs.

There are also times when this is not so easy.

Dickson's book targets the wide range of conversations that people find difficult, offering a simple approach to preparing for and holding such conversations, based on understanding what is happening, how you feel about it and what you want to be different. Throughout the book she works through multiple examples of how to approach different conversations.

Dickson does not at any point reference her work on assertiveness or make distinctions between assertiveness, aggression and passive aggression. She does, however, recommend an approach that is rooted in exercising personal power rather than seeking to exercise power over another. (This is a message that Patricia Evans also underlines in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which I also read recently.)

Whether you are exploring how best to respond to someone else's behaviour or thinking about your own behaviour, there is value in understanding what Dickson has to say. I was struck, for example, by her invitation to put aside any reference to what anyone else might think but instead to maintain equality in the conversation by sharing what's true for you, without drawing on others' opinions to shore up your argument. This is one example of many that can make the difference between an assertive, adult to adult conversation between equals and aggression (what you might call "power over" - Dickson devotes a chapter to kicking the habit of aggression) and letting things ride that are not working for you.

I found this book pretty comprehensive, both in the scenarios Dickson describes and in the practical guidance she offers. Reading it gave me insights into why certain behaviours concern me in others as well as practical guidance I want to reflect on and put into practice in order to offer and invite effective communication over sensitive and difficult issues. And although the model she offers is simple, I found new insights in each chapter, so that I kept reading until I had finished the book. For me, no matter the amount I have studied and practised over the years, this was a worthwhile read.

[Shirin Abdel Rahman · Rating 1 out of 5]

أفكار مبعثرة و أسلوب ممل فى الكتابة و الترجمة.

[Lubna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book some time ago, but am pasting my review on GoodReads only today.
Anne Dickson in her book escribes a range of difficult conversations that frequently occur in intimate, social and work situations, and reveals simple but powerful techniques that will help you to transform the situation. You'll discover how to: communicate directly and honestly without damaging your relationships; keep to your point without backing down or getting into a fight; initiate a discussion without encountering resistance or attack; offer criticism without antagonising the other person; manage your anxiety and develop genuine confidence in your authority; and much more.
This book underlines two concepts which are at the heart of effective communication. The first is seeing and respecting others as equals and the second is personal power. Personal power means interacting with others from a base of genuine confidence, which is grounded in self trust and honesty. According to the author, the challenge of this approach is making a genuine commitment to eschew the use of aggression.
Handling difficult conversations is all about developing the habit of personal power. This entails:
*Acknowledging the truth;
*Facing and managing anxiety;
*Learning to express and communicate feelings;
*Learning to disagree without a fight;
*Challenging unfair criticism;
*Setting limits;
*Taking the initiative; and lastly
*Making the choice
The last paragraph in this book perhaps sums up the core of this book: Criticism handled properly, can be a real gift. It’s a gift because someone cares enough to actually say something to me. This means that our relationship matters enough. It means that working
with this person matters enough for you to open up and speak up your mind. The enrichment that can come from a renewed understanding between people is surprising but inevitable. Open your heart, find your voice and tread lightly!
A detailed review is posted on my blog:
http://booksonmyshelves.blogspot.in/2...

[Dana Mohamad · Rating 3 out of 5]

"عندما تواصل قول "نعم" يبدأ الآخرون في الاعتماد عليك ، انهم يعتمدون عليك ، مفترضين أنك سوف تستمر في التصرف على النحو الذي اتبعته دوماً. وهم بالطبع لا يعلمون أنك غير سعيد حيال هذا ، لأنك تظهر داذماً مستعداً ومستجيباً. فإنك تتدبر أمورك وتبدي العون دونما شكوى وتنجز مهامك. كيف لأي شخص أن يخمن أن هناك كمية هائلة من الاحباط بداخلك ، مما يولد صراعاً داخلياً ، لأنك لا ترغب بخذلهم بطبيعتك ، ولكنك كذلك تدرك أن عليك وضع حدود في موضع ما"

[Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book.

[Doaa · Rating 4 out of 5]

الكتاب دا اوله ممل بس جميل لما تتعمق .))