It's like I never get a minute, feels like I'm never not on tour / Sometimes I start to miss you, what am I doing all this for? (Better – Ricky Reed, Leon Bridges & Kiana Ledé).
Hey, I’ve read this before! Well, maybe not literally, but with how interested White Noise seems in going through the motions, there’s no denying that I felt intimately familiar with this book the more time I spent with it. Call this review the Minority Report the way predicted every plot point. Call me Nicholas Cage's Next the way I knew what was coming next! I mean, being predictable and familiar is hardly the worst thing a book could do, it's not like this is a mystery where knowing who the killer is ruins the whole thing from the jump. I guess you could say there was a killer here... boredom! Ha ha. Okay, that's not fair, because White Noise did garner a lot of good will from me due to its similarities to Sometime After Midnight by L. Philips, which was a book I had a good time with, even though it was mostly because the rockstar in that book was the one doing the chasing. But let’s get on with it, why don’t we? We’re introduced to our main character, Ollie Normalman (I don’t remember his last name), as he walks in on his girlfriend and best friend doing the dirty behind his back in what is probably the best chapter in the book due to its romcom vibes and the devastated yet humorously deadpanned way that he reacts to his entire life being uprooted. I found it kind of refreshing, actually, because can I just say that I almost always hate the “friend characters” in stuff? Pick one out of a hat and I'll probably have an opinion on them! I hated Foggy Nelson from the Daredevil show (pick any), where he’s always like, “I'm so sad that my best friend is Daredevil! He'd better stop because he’s putting himself in dangee~eer” and it’s like, lay off weirdo. He’s a superhero. I hated that moment in Spider-Man: Home of the Green Screen Cameos where Spider-Man is all crying and hugging his girlfriend Zendaya in the climactic scene, and then his buddy Ned is all there crying too and trying to get in on the hug?!? Like, give them some space. Weirdo. Oh man, don’t get me started at how much I hated that part in 27 Dresses where Katherine Heigl exposes her lying ass sister’s fake ass in front of her entire family and we're supposed to think she went too far and see it as the moral turning point in the film rather than a moment of extreme catharsis. Too much you say, 27 Dresses? Yeah well, not enough if you ask me! Just know that I was sitting there like Emperor Palpatine all like, “yesss, let the hate course through you!” I hate friend characters, why are they always so damn fake and why is it that the main character is the one who has to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship!? And let me tell you, I hate the fact that it often feels like nobody else finds these characters as annoying as I do! Will the real haters please stand up? Because I've been standing over here all alone! Please join me.
So yeah, props to this book because I thought it was so cool how instead of giving the kind of characters that would normally be given their own little story arcs the time of day, this book had them fade into obscurity, becoming completely inconsequential after their disastrous debut. And yup, I cheered when I finally found a book that just flat out portrays the “friend character” as a straight up asshole from the first page. Go White Noise, expose their ass! And look, I know the whole “walk-in-on-my-significant-other-having-sex-with-my-bestie” trope is such a tired cliché at this point, but it still gets me from time to time. It’s like how a jump-scare can make you jump no matter how much you try to anticipate and prepare for it. Because even though I didn’t particularly find Ollie to be an interesting character, I was still like damn… that’s cold, so cold I felt like I was chilling in Phendrana Drifts. Unfortunately, the fun heightened plot and interesting characterization doesn’t last very long, because then all the insta-love bullshit that normally happens in these “shirtless-man books” starts… you've guessed it, happening at an alarming rate. Oh well, I enjoyed it while it lasted. That one chapter was soo~ooo good! Anyway, then enters super rockstar Luca, who is supposed seem like he has layers and a soul under his cocky visage, but if I were honest, he reminded me less of a wounded superstar with a hidden heart of gold and more like that boyfriend character in Begin Again, the one where Adam Levine is a cowardly sellout who cares more about shilling factory made slop rather than the art and joy of making music. Oh wait, I forgot to tell you what character Adam Levine plays! Badum tssss! Anyway, they have their little meet cute and connect on a deeper level than either have ever known with anyone else Before Sunrise style, that is, until Luca’s scumbag manager (and White Noise’s designated villain) ruins everything by having Ollie sign an NDA, thus expertly cutting off any budding romance from blossoming. But worry not! Because they then meet again months later When Harry Met Sally… style and it's totally on once again! Um, then the rest of the book happens. If it sounds like I got super vague all of a sudden, it’s because I got a little carried away and I feel like I’ve pretty much just gave everything away at this point. Don’t worry, if you’ve read one of these books, then you've read them all, I promise! It’s the usual, Ollie is doing Ollie and Luca is doing Luca and then eventually they do each other. Sex scenes on top of more sex scenes and boom, White Noise everyone!
You know how I talk a lot of trash about John Green? Yeah well, have I ever told you about the infamous “John Green Tumblr Incident?” Oooh ominous! Well, back in the day, Tumblr used to have this really odd feature where anybody (and I mean anybody) could edit other people’s posts without the original post author changing, so it still looked like whatever newer text was shown was something that they wrote. You probably know where this is going, right? People started editing the hell out of John Green posts to make it look like he was saying some wild ass shit. Here, you just have to read it yourself (nsfw): As I near 200,000 followers here at fishingboatproceeds, I just wanted to say Cock is one of my favorite tastes. Not only that, but balls smell amazing. It makes me go a little crazy on it to be honest. Like, I cannot get it far enough down my throat to be satisfied. I’m only satisfied when I feel those intense, powerful, salty, hot pumps of cum down my throat. When I sit back on my heels, look up at you with cum all over my mouth and slobber running down my neck, hair all fucked up and wipe my mouth with the back of my arm and ask you if I did a good job and you cannot even speak because I’ve drained all of your energy out the tip of your dick….. That’s when I’m satisfied.” Damn John Green, I didn't know you had it in you! Now if you read the text up there in a British accent then you’ve got yourself Luca’s faux bad boy sex-talk. And if you're really curious about this book, then you can just imagine the writing oscillating between John Green's Riley Hart era and everyone talking like a fucking trained therapist and there, now we’ve all read White Noise. Yay! In all seriousness though, I really do think it’s funny how authors still very much cling to the idea that the quintessential picture of the biggest musical artist around is still the “80’s rockstar." I'll grant them that they probably just like the aesthetic, I suppose, but there’s nothing even hedonistic or toxic that would evoke the rockstar image in this book anyway! What with all of the members in this wack ass band being in their mid-thirties and constantly saying shit like “that life is in our past now,” and it’s like, then what’s the point in making them rockstars? Sure, it might have been interesting if Caffeine Daydreams (that’s their band name haha) was like, super washed or something, and Luca trying to settle down with Ollie could have been fueled by him trying to find an “out” of his dwindling party lifestyle, but nah... we can't have our characters looking like failed artists can we? They have to still be cool to be sexy, right?
I'm just saying, it would have been more interesting to me if White Noise went about its narrative in the same way A Star is Born (2018) revolves around rock music, but is a more of a “the age of the Wild West is coming to an end” kind of thing, with Bradley Cooper growing increasingly jealous and resentful that Lady Gaga’s pop career is taking off rather than her sticking with her rock music origins. But then that has to be the main point of the story; rather than trying to pretend like a rock song would be in the Top 100 Billboard like in this book, it folds the genre’s fade into obscurity into the narrative that rides parallel to Bradly Cooper’s own growing fears and insecurities. It could have worked with White Noise, but remember… Caffeine Daydreams are apparently supposed to be the biggest band IN THE WORLD! If anything, I see this fictional band as being more in line with something like The Black Keys, a mid-tier band who had a string of hits about ten years ago and garnered acclaim with their bluesy sound, but are now washed as fuck and just take advantage whatever remaining fans they have left by overcharging them with their insane ticket prices, but I digress. This book is a “cake-and-eat-it-too” kind of situation, where we’re supposed to buy into the idea that these guys are still living it up, fucking around, and selling out arenas while also being super wholesome and sweet on each other? I repeat, then why feature them as rockstars if we don't even get to see their wild side? Besides... pshh, with a name like Caffeine Daydreams, they sound less like rockers and more like they’d be a cover band doing The Police’s greatest hits catalogue at their local coffee shop. I don’t know if this is a hot take or not, but in my opinion, the closest approximation to the classic rockstar image could now only be found in Hip-Hop. Seriously, in terms of lyrical content, electric performances, and glamorous lifestyles, I think of rappers like Young Thug, Lil Uzi Vert, or even singers like The Weeknd! Not whatever image this Luca guy is supposed to be conjuring up, all thrusting away on stage like an embarrassingly drunk karaoke performance. I guess if you really wanted to, you could make the argument for Bruno Mars (he plays instruments and shit) too, and while I like his stuff, with his little James Brown dances and retro styling, there’s no doubt that his music is redundant of people who have already done it before and better. Anyway, I know I’m stuck on this, but like, what kind of music does Caffeine Daydreams even play? Dream Pop?? I mean, I guess it's rock music, but then we go back to the suspension of disbelief that that type of music would still be selling out stadiums. Nuh uh, I don't think so! Alrighty then, I think I’m tired of talking about this book now. Sure, I didn’t hate it, but with the storm of clichés and the lack of grounded appeal, I can’t really say that I liked it either.
“One thing was certain, I had a shit ton of groveling to do if I wanted any hope of a future with him.”