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Getting Past If Only, Learning to Live Without Regrets
Do you ever find yourself stuck in if only and what if, wishing you'd done things differently or fretting about what might lie ahead? In today's world, most of us have high expectations about what we should achieve, how we should behave, and how others should treat us. As a result, guilty feelings over regrets about the past and haunting fears for the future afflict countless Latter-day Saints, affecting their personal relationships, self-esteem, and peace of mind. You may be one of them. But you can find tranquility in spite of the hurts and pains of life. In this life-changing book, author Kim A. Nelson offers four specific steps that will help you get past if only and what if by showing you how to take ownership of your life, make better decisions, set healthy boundaries, and avoid the comparison trap. Life will never be perfect, but past hurts and negative expectations don t need to determine the level of joy you experience in your life. Using the concepts in this transformative book, you can throw off the burdens of the past and fears for the future, allowing you to live a happier, more fulfilling life.
112 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2011
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51 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
November 25, 2014
My first thought after reading this book was that it could have been more inspiring. However, it didn't take me long to realize that the "problem" was with me, not the book. I have made something of a study of the topic addressed by this book, and most of the points made I have seen elsewhere. I was a little disappointed not to find much original, but he had clear points to make, and he made them well. While it was not as impactful to me as other books have been, that is mostly a function of timing (I read the others first), and the reminder of certain principles and understandings was much needed. I believe it would be quite impactful to another who might need to hear the important issues discusses by Bro. Nelson.
A few thoughts did stand out for me, because of the way they were developed:
1. If we are in a mud hole, we must recognize that we might be there because we chose to. "When we choose the role of victim, the desire to abdicate our agency is everywhere."
2. Bro. Nelson referenced John 1:35-40, the story of Andrew and Philip's introduction to the Savior. He realizes they are following him, and asks them "What seek ye?" they then ask, "Where dwellest thou?" kind of a strange question...maybe they were startled, or wanting to understand him better. To me, the metaphor is obvious -- the temple is where he dwells. He responds to them, "Come and see." his response is loving and straightforward, just as is his invitation to us to "Come...to the temple...and see where I live."
3. "God's love for us and the gift of agency are the two things that fuel His plan." Neither are earned, but rather are given freely. We deny ourselves a sense of his love, though, when we convince ourselves that it must be earned. If that is true, we will never qualify. Believing that is the counterfeit of love promoted by
Satan.
4. On judging, he quotes Elder Oaks, that "there are two kinds of judging: final judgments, which we are forbidden to make, and intermediate judgments, which we are directed to make , but upon righteous principles.
5. "In order to qualify as good people, we don't need to treat everyone the same."
6. On feeling the peace of God's love: "If we don't feel that confidence, safety, and love, it might be because we are measuring ourselves by the world's standard rather than God's." "Scorekeeping is part of the adversary's plan. He tries to keep us tied to the material world by encouraging us to keep score in everything."
7. On a client's problem: "She said that she wasn't depressed -- just sad."
8. "We are imperfect beings in an imperfect world. The complexities of our existence make perfection impossible. That is one of the many reasons why our Father in Heaven warns against judging. His commandment refers not only to judging others, but judging ourselves. Being too self-critical can be devastating."
9. "One of the most devastating types of scorekeeping is the habit of over-accepting blame."
10. When we deal with God, it is always about us. When we deal with the adversary, it is always about him.
A few thoughts did stand out for me, because of the way they were developed:
1. If we are in a mud hole, we must recognize that we might be there because we chose to. "When we choose the role of victim, the desire to abdicate our agency is everywhere."
2. Bro. Nelson referenced John 1:35-40, the story of Andrew and Philip's introduction to the Savior. He realizes they are following him, and asks them "What seek ye?" they then ask, "Where dwellest thou?" kind of a strange question...maybe they were startled, or wanting to understand him better. To me, the metaphor is obvious -- the temple is where he dwells. He responds to them, "Come and see." his response is loving and straightforward, just as is his invitation to us to "Come...to the temple...and see where I live."
3. "God's love for us and the gift of agency are the two things that fuel His plan." Neither are earned, but rather are given freely. We deny ourselves a sense of his love, though, when we convince ourselves that it must be earned. If that is true, we will never qualify. Believing that is the counterfeit of love promoted by
Satan.
4. On judging, he quotes Elder Oaks, that "there are two kinds of judging: final judgments, which we are forbidden to make, and intermediate judgments, which we are directed to make , but upon righteous principles.
5. "In order to qualify as good people, we don't need to treat everyone the same."
6. On feeling the peace of God's love: "If we don't feel that confidence, safety, and love, it might be because we are measuring ourselves by the world's standard rather than God's." "Scorekeeping is part of the adversary's plan. He tries to keep us tied to the material world by encouraging us to keep score in everything."
7. On a client's problem: "She said that she wasn't depressed -- just sad."
8. "We are imperfect beings in an imperfect world. The complexities of our existence make perfection impossible. That is one of the many reasons why our Father in Heaven warns against judging. His commandment refers not only to judging others, but judging ourselves. Being too self-critical can be devastating."
9. "One of the most devastating types of scorekeeping is the habit of over-accepting blame."
10. When we deal with God, it is always about us. When we deal with the adversary, it is always about him.
October 30, 2015
I love books that change my thinking and open my mind. I feel like God is poring in information. I prayed to be lead to what books I could listen to in my car as I drive my kids to China everyday:} This was an amazing game changer for me. I LOVED how he spoke about boundaries. Having emotionally abusive people in my life has been one of the hardest things and he speaks about handling them in the most beautiful comprehensive way. I would love to welcome everyone into my life and be Christ like but when those people are not safe for me and my children it is ok to let go, it is there choices not yours keeping them away from you! Love it and I love how he backs it with scripture. I also loved the whole score keeping concept. This is an amazing insight for my husband and I and I am trying to be better at this. I loved this book and will be buying a hard copy so I can reread and highlight.
August 7, 2023
Here are some things I remember from this audio book:
- Allow others to take responsibility for their own choices, and take responsibility for our choices.
- We can change.
- To become closer to God we must become like a little child.
- Life is a process, not a destination.
- Set and maintain healthy boundaries. Boundaries can be moved as people show themselves to be trustworthy or untrustworthy.
- Avoid the trap of score keeping. Not keeping score leads to confidence.
- Choose to live life facing forward.
January 15, 2019
Kim is a therapist. I didn’t know that before I started listening. There wasn’t anything in this book that was profound or earth shattering, just an ok read, for me.
February 1, 2020
Short read with some interesting points. Just think it could have been more developed on the "how to implement it" part.
September 23, 2020
(audio). Very good.
February 11, 2022
Love, love, loved this.
October 24, 2011
Wow. I really underestimated this book. I added it to my deseret order as i had a great discount coupon and the title appealed to me but I put it away with a few other books that i mean to read one day. Its under 100 pages but a real jewel. I came home from a Time out conference where Anthony Sweat spoke about comparing yourselves to others and and said something that triggered me to remember this book so I pulled it out and read it in one sitting. Technically I did have to reread a few parts that maybe could have been written with more clarity but over-all this book helped me in many areas of my life. The author does use scriptures, quotes and stories in a talented way. This book spoke to my heart. It was instructional, loving but also a little bit of common sense to just move on. ( ie. to me it was a kick in the pants)
It does deal with living with regrets. It also teaches steps to safely learn to love people and how to grow trust. A great chapter on the true power of having agency and what it really means. An unexpected bonus was the latter half of the book where he talks about dealing with toxic people that maybe you can't avoid. As well as the dangers of scorekeeping. Wow. Loved it and i saw a few areas that I need to learn to love unconditionally (but how to handle this better). I know I grew up in an environment of scorekeeping and it is something I need to reevaluate more in my actions and thoughts.
I am keeping this book on my night able to reread to keep the ideas and thoughts in my mind as I think following some of his suggestions will help me in many aspects of my life. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and I like how this author agrees that victims will need to work harder but that.. in the long run, you need to just take charge of your own life and stop letting it affect you. I found he had a great balance between empathy for how you feel and encouragement to get past it.
I just realized that I have this authors other book in my basement from when my first husband died. I'm going to go bring it upstairs. (I haven't read it - it was a gift- but I hope to next weekend)
It does deal with living with regrets. It also teaches steps to safely learn to love people and how to grow trust. A great chapter on the true power of having agency and what it really means. An unexpected bonus was the latter half of the book where he talks about dealing with toxic people that maybe you can't avoid. As well as the dangers of scorekeeping. Wow. Loved it and i saw a few areas that I need to learn to love unconditionally (but how to handle this better). I know I grew up in an environment of scorekeeping and it is something I need to reevaluate more in my actions and thoughts.
I am keeping this book on my night able to reread to keep the ideas and thoughts in my mind as I think following some of his suggestions will help me in many aspects of my life. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and I like how this author agrees that victims will need to work harder but that.. in the long run, you need to just take charge of your own life and stop letting it affect you. I found he had a great balance between empathy for how you feel and encouragement to get past it.
I just realized that I have this authors other book in my basement from when my first husband died. I'm going to go bring it upstairs. (I haven't read it - it was a gift- but I hope to next weekend)
March 6, 2013
I listened to this book on cd and loved it. Great stories and reminders about how important it is to not worry about what others think, to not judge other people's intentions, expect to learn something from every single person you meet, to be positive and not dwell on the hard things in life, to not keep "score" or compete with those around us, to look for good and find joy in every single day, to remember that we can not possibly do all the good things we want to do in a day and that is okay - just do what you can and feel joy in it, and so much more. I think I should listen to this yearly as it really brought some great insights and perspectives into my life and lifted my spirit. I highly recommend it.
September 19, 2011
In this life-changing book, author Kim A. Nelson offers four specific steps that will help you get past if only and what if by showing you how to take ownership of your life, make better decisions, set healthy boundaries, and avoid the comparison trap. Life will never be perfect, but past hurts and negative expectations don’t need to determine the level of joy you experience in your life. Using the concepts in this transformative book, you can throw off the burdens of the past and fears for the future, allowing you to live a happier, more fulfilling life.
December 28, 2011
"Getting Past If Only" is a good book that delves into how too often we don't use our free-agency that God has given us the right way. We all do this. Too often we blame others, hold grudges, and blame the mistakes we have made in the past for our current disappointments or sadness. I fall into this trap a lot of times. Kim Nelson uses great examples from his experience as a counselor. This is a book that I will definitely keep on my Kindle and refer to whenever I get caught in those ruts and think "if only."
January 10, 2012
Simply amazing. I love a book that does not waste your time. Supporting stories are good to make a point but this guy is not here to tell stories. He is here to give you insight on letting go and moving on. He knows what he is talking about, the chapters are short and to the point. If I ever bought a book where the author did not waste my time it was this one and the perspective is one of the best you can get out there. Give it a try if you find yourself regretting this and that feeling stuck somehow.
March 12, 2015
An excellent book by LDS therapist Kim A. Nelson. Nelson discusses and gives insight on trust, setting boundaries and getting over "score-keeping" in relationships. Not a long book, but one with some excellent advice on dealing with painful relationships and being happy in an imperfect world with imperfect people. Recommended for those who want an LDS perspective on life, relationships and happiness.
June 3, 2012
Kim's book is a short read...which makes it great for a lot of people with little time. This book is great and right on target. I think it would appeal anyone regardless of gender. I am fortunate to know Kim and I think one of the wonderful things about his books is that he is passionate about helping others and his books show it.
November 9, 2012
He kind of started out on getting past "if only", but then seemed to take a sharp left turn and not really get back to that topic. He made some good points, but seemed to jump around a lot to different thoughts.
September 2, 2015
This book had so many wonderful ideas. It helped put things in perspective. This is one I would definitely add to my own collection.
December 8, 2011
Great advice and counsel for anyone with a worry wart mentality. Insightful and useful.
July 17, 2012
I listened to this on audio CD. It was very insightful.
December 6, 2013
A review of the importance of "perspective" on one's life. Great tidbits of info!
February 15, 2016
Although I really didn't find any of the info ground breaking, it was a good reminder of moving forward after our challenges and adversities; always improving our lives.
February 8, 2014
I listened to this book on tape. I loved it.
Want to read
August 24, 2015burned under being better
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews