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Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom
Franz and Lola are vampires in love. They live in a cottage near the sea with their little vampire baby.
Burn Girl is a lonely girl who walks along the bottom of the sea, constantly on fire. The water doesn't put her fire out or soothe her burns. It only makes her feel like she's wearing an itchy wool sweater.
Bruno is the buffest vampire. He is building Muscle Island, a floating fortress comprised of mussels.
The Vampire Science Council has been working for centuries to prevent the depletion of their arctic planet's blood supply, but the blood has finally run out.
Cyrus Lugosi's friends want to slaughter him as part of a ritual sacrifice that will raise Cthulhu from his tomb at the bottom of the sea. There are just two The closest thing to the Necronomicon they've got is a unicorn coloring book, and Cthulhu is more interested in his quest for the perfect hamburger.
Their fates will converge when Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom .
Burn Girl is a lonely girl who walks along the bottom of the sea, constantly on fire. The water doesn't put her fire out or soothe her burns. It only makes her feel like she's wearing an itchy wool sweater.
Bruno is the buffest vampire. He is building Muscle Island, a floating fortress comprised of mussels.
The Vampire Science Council has been working for centuries to prevent the depletion of their arctic planet's blood supply, but the blood has finally run out.
Cyrus Lugosi's friends want to slaughter him as part of a ritual sacrifice that will raise Cthulhu from his tomb at the bottom of the sea. There are just two The closest thing to the Necronomicon they've got is a unicorn coloring book, and Cthulhu is more interested in his quest for the perfect hamburger.
Their fates will converge when Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom .
172 pages, Paperback
First published October 4, 2011
2 people are currently reading
104 people want to read
About the author
Cameron Pierce
59 books198 followersCameron Pierce is the author of eleven books, including the Wonderland Book Award-winning collection Lost in Cat Brain Land. His work has appeared in The Barcelona Review, Gray's Sporting Journal, Hobart, The Big Click, and Vol. I Brooklyn, and has been reviewed and featured on Comedy Central and The Guardian. He was also the author of the column Fishing and Beer, where he interviewed acclaimed angler Bill Dance and John Lurie of Fishing with John. Pierce is the head editor of Lazy Fascist Press and has edited three anthologies, including The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade. He lives with his wife in Astoria, Oregon.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
November 28, 2011
With their frozen world depleted of resources and dying, a vampire couple named Franz and Lola attempt to summon the one being who can save them... Cthulhu! But will Cthulhu save their world or destroy it?
Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom is a sometimes funny, all times bizarre tale by Cameron Pierce. It seems to be a commentary on the state of our world, with the world's blood supply running out similar to the way oil will one day and the Science Council standing in for the governments that turn a blind eye to environmental issues. But what I really notice is the monsters!
The characters are a mixed bag. Lola's my favorite, and probably Pierce's, even though doesn't get as much screen time as a lot of the others. Burn Girl was interesting but I don't think she had as much time as she should have. The teenage coven were a little annoying. I liked Bruno and Sarah but they could have also used more time devoted to them. I guess I just wish the book was longer.
Cthulhu has seen better days. He's been spending too much time looking at Lolcats on the internet and has visions of the perfect hamburger running through his head as a result. When he finally makes landfall after being summoned, it's almost an orgasmic moment.
In conclusion, Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom was a good read, although a tad on the short side. If you like humorous depictions of Cthulhu and vampires, give it a read.
Old Cthulhu had a farm. E-I-E-I-O!
Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom is a sometimes funny, all times bizarre tale by Cameron Pierce. It seems to be a commentary on the state of our world, with the world's blood supply running out similar to the way oil will one day and the Science Council standing in for the governments that turn a blind eye to environmental issues. But what I really notice is the monsters!
The characters are a mixed bag. Lola's my favorite, and probably Pierce's, even though doesn't get as much screen time as a lot of the others. Burn Girl was interesting but I don't think she had as much time as she should have. The teenage coven were a little annoying. I liked Bruno and Sarah but they could have also used more time devoted to them. I guess I just wish the book was longer.
Cthulhu has seen better days. He's been spending too much time looking at Lolcats on the internet and has visions of the perfect hamburger running through his head as a result. When he finally makes landfall after being summoned, it's almost an orgasmic moment.
In conclusion, Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom was a good read, although a tad on the short side. If you like humorous depictions of Cthulhu and vampires, give it a read.
Old Cthulhu had a farm. E-I-E-I-O!
December 5, 2013
I went in expecting to like this book, but I had no idea it would be so close to perfect. It brings out a mostly unexplored, almost fairy-tale element of Bizarro, but it's the little details that make it so impressive. Like The Faggiest Vampire by CMIII, it's one of the most interesting (and funny) books to come out of the genre but doesn't fit in very well, and doesn't seem to have gotten the attention it deserves.
It's been awhile since I've read something that felt so perfectly composed on a sentence-to-sentence level (a sort of relentless minimalist elegance) without losing any narrative sharpness either; like a very modern Brautigan, with that same sort of lightness and range of feeling. A lot of the common elements of Bizarro are here, but just done better and with more finesse: insanity in every paragraph; intensely casual nihilism; no mercy for the characters (or their limbs); and, maybe behind it all, a very postmodern urge to break art and culture and put them back together over a pulp skeleton.
But this book also has a sort of tenderness to it, and there are little details that make it just... different. Franz and Lola are married; they start the book in love and end it in love, even if when their baby dies they do cut its head off and drink its blood. Chtulhu is a defeated sushi chef who just wants an awesome hamburger, alone in a diner on the bottom of the sea. There's a sense that all the characters are lost and defeated but really don't mind, because they're still okay. Burn Girl in particular had the best moment in the book, but I shouldn't ruin it here, except to say it's great.
Near the end the book verges (again: extremely well) into the body horror and gigantic penis monsters that I think, on some level, everyone reads Bizarro for. That's stuff I'd thought I was done with, but this book made me appreciate it again. It's all very unpretentious but still sets a high watermark for craft.
And it makes vampires cool again. They live on a world made of ice, eat their children and party at a place called the Bat Cave. I don't know what else you could ask for really.
It's been awhile since I've read something that felt so perfectly composed on a sentence-to-sentence level (a sort of relentless minimalist elegance) without losing any narrative sharpness either; like a very modern Brautigan, with that same sort of lightness and range of feeling. A lot of the common elements of Bizarro are here, but just done better and with more finesse: insanity in every paragraph; intensely casual nihilism; no mercy for the characters (or their limbs); and, maybe behind it all, a very postmodern urge to break art and culture and put them back together over a pulp skeleton.
But this book also has a sort of tenderness to it, and there are little details that make it just... different. Franz and Lola are married; they start the book in love and end it in love, even if when their baby dies they do cut its head off and drink its blood. Chtulhu is a defeated sushi chef who just wants an awesome hamburger, alone in a diner on the bottom of the sea. There's a sense that all the characters are lost and defeated but really don't mind, because they're still okay. Burn Girl in particular had the best moment in the book, but I shouldn't ruin it here, except to say it's great.
Near the end the book verges (again: extremely well) into the body horror and gigantic penis monsters that I think, on some level, everyone reads Bizarro for. That's stuff I'd thought I was done with, but this book made me appreciate it again. It's all very unpretentious but still sets a high watermark for craft.
And it makes vampires cool again. They live on a world made of ice, eat their children and party at a place called the Bat Cave. I don't know what else you could ask for really.
October 16, 2011
weird. fun. with so many plot lines going on at once it reminded me of Philip K. Dick when he really got into a weird roll and busted out something brilliant/crazy. The whole thing reads like a fever dream, or a hallucination. With some imagery and ideas so startlingly original the mind reels for a moment before plunging on with the absolutely beautiful nightmare that is this book.
It has everything: Cthulu, vampires, oceans of blood, mythos, black metal, dead infants, a unicorn coloring book, ice, texting, and so on. It is about a society on the brink of collapse, and a world in ruin. It is about the history of the internet and two vampires in love. Two MARRIED vampires in love. That was refreshing, I must say.
Really, Cthulu Comes To The Vampire Kingdom is a new kind of fairy tale for a new kind of person, where all of the old gods and staples of horror fiction get revamped (if you will pardon the pun) for a new world.
Five stars, two thumbs up, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
It has everything: Cthulu, vampires, oceans of blood, mythos, black metal, dead infants, a unicorn coloring book, ice, texting, and so on. It is about a society on the brink of collapse, and a world in ruin. It is about the history of the internet and two vampires in love. Two MARRIED vampires in love. That was refreshing, I must say.
Really, Cthulu Comes To The Vampire Kingdom is a new kind of fairy tale for a new kind of person, where all of the old gods and staples of horror fiction get revamped (if you will pardon the pun) for a new world.
Five stars, two thumbs up, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
August 10, 2012
I’m very fond of Cameron Pierce’s bizarro writing. The second bizarro book I read was his short story collection, Lost in Cat Brain Land. And I think he’s just been getting better and better. Now, I don’t care what people say about vampires, I like them. And Cthulhu, who doesn’t like Cthulhu? If you’re willing to admit it, it was nice to know you… What Pierce has done here, is he’s created a fantasy world that is entirely unlike our world, save for a few key traces of pop culture. Cthulhu and vampires and lolcats and hamburgers. It’s a very weird world and it feels very dark and very cold. And I don’t take ‘dark’ to mean ‘sinister’. I guess I mean it in the way that a world of vampires has a lot less light than our world. And everything is warped and estranged, and yet so fantastically vivid. The plight of the vampires is something to empathise with. The main characters are endlessly in love and they are heartbroken by tragedy. It starts with the line: “Wake up, the baby is dead.” This is a story with heart.
December 15, 2024
A mob of Japan's elite food critics accidentally invent the internet by stuffing live cats inside televisions and throwing them all into Tokyo bay. Cthulhu who enjoys looking at online cat pics as much, if not more, than anyone sees this move by Japanese foodies as a misguided attempt on his life and leaves the planet. He finds a cold and icy planet and sinks into a great body of water dropping into a dreamless slumber for countless years. Ok so far not so different from your basic thriller that is if you had ingested hallucinogens before reading it, this is Bizarro fiction after all. Franz and Lola are a vampire couple very much in love who lose their child called Lion Man early on. You get the impression Lion Man must have been an old soul who needn't stay on this plane long kind of a wise baby genius. Franz and Lola not wanting his death to be for naught and realizing a sacrifice is a prerequisite to using a book called the Necronomicon, a Lovecraftian homage, they decide to use the book to summon Cthulhu who will either save or destroy the planet perhaps a little of both. This planet much like ours is in environmental free fall due to self centered behavior. The darkness is going and the blood is running out. This imminent disaster drives the narrative for most of the characters. Cthulhu doesn't care he spends his time at an undersea diner where he hopes to find the perfect hamburger. Burn girl doesn't care either she also hangs at the diner and no this is not Bizarro Seinfeld. “There was a girl who was always on fire. Nobody put a curse on her or anything. She was just born that way. The elder gods called her Burn Girl. Burn Girl spent her days walking around under the sea because the cold water soothed the burning. The cold water made the fire feel like an itchy wool sweater. Burn Girl liked itchy wool sweaters, but she had never owned one because there was not very much wool under the sea.” In this Oh so fine novel Pierce has evoked the minimalism gods laying down sparse prose that reads like a visual ice cream cone for your eyes if that makes any sense. Even though this book features many of the common Bizarro tropes like odd violence and grotesquery it has a tenderness and not just from the love of the vampires Franz and Lola the brokenness of other characters creates this feeling of nihilistic longing and lostness that is bleak yet palpably tender. Oh well after finishing this book I think I have kind of lost my taste for white birthday cake but the upside is when I look at my hands I think of popsicles.
August 8, 2023
This is a hard review to write. I got this book from the library, having never heard of it before. What called my attention to it at first was the name Cthulhu in the title. While I have several Lovecraft books on my shelf, I have not yet read them, and was intrigued about the author's take on this Lovecraftian character.
I was pretty quickly turned off from the moment I started reading. Franz and Lola are a vampire couple, who have a vampire baby. In the first few lines, the baby is dead, Lola has drunk his blood, and the pair have dismembered the baby's corpse. There was no emotions felt from either parent, and as a parent myself, I was not amused. I know its supposed to "bizarre" or whatever, but it just didn't sit well with me.
Then they decide to use the baby's body to summon Cthulhu in hopes of saving their dying planet. The results of the summoning are not what they expected, which leads to even more superfluous scenes of violence (like cutting up dozens of vampires to make one large mega vampire to fight Cthulhu).
There were many such scenes where I wanted to gag.
I am not a person who can put down a book once starting it, so I reluctantly kept reading, but it was slow going.
I was pretty quickly turned off from the moment I started reading. Franz and Lola are a vampire couple, who have a vampire baby. In the first few lines, the baby is dead, Lola has drunk his blood, and the pair have dismembered the baby's corpse. There was no emotions felt from either parent, and as a parent myself, I was not amused. I know its supposed to "bizarre" or whatever, but it just didn't sit well with me.
Then they decide to use the baby's body to summon Cthulhu in hopes of saving their dying planet. The results of the summoning are not what they expected, which leads to even more superfluous scenes of violence (like cutting up dozens of vampires to make one large mega vampire to fight Cthulhu).
There were many such scenes where I wanted to gag.
I am not a person who can put down a book once starting it, so I reluctantly kept reading, but it was slow going.
February 20, 2012
Cthulhu Comes to Vampire Empire
Lola and Franz’s baby has just died and the world is coming to an end. Sunlight threatens to shine once again upon the land, and the vampires weigh this as burdensome as most of us humans do global warming. The vampires having treated their planet so poorly over the centuries is causing this cursed sunlight to shine through. On top of that, vampire blood supply is at an all-time low.
There’s a way to put a stop to this. The answer is summoning Cthulhu and his minions of darkness to put the sunlight away forever. They also have scientists, working at a way to create an endless supply of blood.
I had mixed feelings about this bizarro book by Cameron Pierce. The twisted way in how Lola and Franz react to finding their baby dead is the sick sort of humor I love, sort of like a darker version of the Addam’s family. The rest of the story, however, felt sort of rushed with an interesting, but hardly formidable version of Cthulhu, who is currently on a quest to find the perfect hamburger and, of course, put an end the vampires who have summoned him.
Cameron’s prose was solid and entertaining to read, though. He reminds me of a bizarro version of Christopher Moore and A. Lee Martinez, which is an accomplishment on its own.
All in all, Cthulhu in Vampire land is a fun and entertaining read.
Lola and Franz’s baby has just died and the world is coming to an end. Sunlight threatens to shine once again upon the land, and the vampires weigh this as burdensome as most of us humans do global warming. The vampires having treated their planet so poorly over the centuries is causing this cursed sunlight to shine through. On top of that, vampire blood supply is at an all-time low.
There’s a way to put a stop to this. The answer is summoning Cthulhu and his minions of darkness to put the sunlight away forever. They also have scientists, working at a way to create an endless supply of blood.
I had mixed feelings about this bizarro book by Cameron Pierce. The twisted way in how Lola and Franz react to finding their baby dead is the sick sort of humor I love, sort of like a darker version of the Addam’s family. The rest of the story, however, felt sort of rushed with an interesting, but hardly formidable version of Cthulhu, who is currently on a quest to find the perfect hamburger and, of course, put an end the vampires who have summoned him.
Cameron’s prose was solid and entertaining to read, though. He reminds me of a bizarro version of Christopher Moore and A. Lee Martinez, which is an accomplishment on its own.
All in all, Cthulhu in Vampire land is a fun and entertaining read.
April 24, 2012
This was my first full-length Cameron Pierce book, and while I enjoyed it, some of it was hit/miss for me.
The book takes place on a planet of vampires... vampires that are basically no different than humans other than that they live off of blood. They have the same personalities, the same desires, dreams, and fears.
There are two main storylines, one dealing with a young vampire couple in love (and the planet's looming disaster related to a blood drought)... and the other about Cthulhu, his quest for the most epic hamburger, and some kids that want to raise him from the deep.
For me, the vampire issues were mildly amusing, however, everything involving Cthulhu was hilarious and kept me reading to see what happened next.
This is sort of an off-duty Cthulhu, less concerned with conquest of the world than getting comfortable in some sweats and looking for a damn good hamburger.
While I thought there were high points and less-high points, the good stuff was well-worth the read, it could've have maybe just shaved off a dozen pages or so to easily gain another star.
I will definitely look forward to checking out more by Cameron!
The book takes place on a planet of vampires... vampires that are basically no different than humans other than that they live off of blood. They have the same personalities, the same desires, dreams, and fears.
There are two main storylines, one dealing with a young vampire couple in love (and the planet's looming disaster related to a blood drought)... and the other about Cthulhu, his quest for the most epic hamburger, and some kids that want to raise him from the deep.
For me, the vampire issues were mildly amusing, however, everything involving Cthulhu was hilarious and kept me reading to see what happened next.
This is sort of an off-duty Cthulhu, less concerned with conquest of the world than getting comfortable in some sweats and looking for a damn good hamburger.
While I thought there were high points and less-high points, the good stuff was well-worth the read, it could've have maybe just shaved off a dozen pages or so to easily gain another star.
I will definitely look forward to checking out more by Cameron!
March 28, 2014
This is the book that dares to ask the question 'Can Cthulhu has cheezburger?' What Cthulhu discovers on his journey to sample the perfect burger is that you should never change who you are in order to be loved.
Also, there is a society of vampires who want to sacrifice the Lugosi Family's happy stillborn in order to discourage the rising of R'lyeh (Cthulhu's kingdom). While this isn't my favorite of Cameron's work, it's certainly not my least favorite. Some of his books are lighter in tone, proving he can laugh at himself (The Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island, Ass Goblins of Auschwitz). Others carry a bit more thematic weight (Lantern Jaws from Die You Doughnut Bastards, The Destroyed Room from Abortion Arcade, Drain Angel from Lost in Cat Braind Land). Regardless of which Cameron turns up, rest assured his is an engaging voice that manages to reflect the inherent vulnerabilities of all living things.
Also, there is a society of vampires who want to sacrifice the Lugosi Family's happy stillborn in order to discourage the rising of R'lyeh (Cthulhu's kingdom). While this isn't my favorite of Cameron's work, it's certainly not my least favorite. Some of his books are lighter in tone, proving he can laugh at himself (The Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island, Ass Goblins of Auschwitz). Others carry a bit more thematic weight (Lantern Jaws from Die You Doughnut Bastards, The Destroyed Room from Abortion Arcade, Drain Angel from Lost in Cat Braind Land). Regardless of which Cameron turns up, rest assured his is an engaging voice that manages to reflect the inherent vulnerabilities of all living things.
January 10, 2017
Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom by Cameron Pierce. When summoned, Cthulhu is unleashed upon the world with diabolical plans of total destruction. However the vampire underworld refuses to go quietly into the night. Along the way to defeat Cthulhu, author Cameron Pierce guides the reader through his strange creativity and teaches several lessons such as the importance of pickles, and how you can build a fighting gargantuan behemoth using only dismembered vampire body parts. Not since Monster Zero has there been such a momentous epic battle to the death.
June 22, 2015
Really loved this little book. Maybe one of the best love stories I've read in a while.
Cameron's writing is so clean and clear, and this feels like a fable or something childishly delightful, but then it hits you with emotions you didn't expect from a book that gives you Cthulhu in an eating competition with a giant vampire.
But, yeah, this is fantastic stuff.
Cameron's writing is so clean and clear, and this feels like a fable or something childishly delightful, but then it hits you with emotions you didn't expect from a book that gives you Cthulhu in an eating competition with a giant vampire.
But, yeah, this is fantastic stuff.
January 27, 2014
This is my first venture into bizarro fiction. It's a little like Salvador Dali meets Stephanie Meyer. Very surreal, without much depth or genius, and highly entertaining.
I will have to read more before I can decide whether this genre is for me.
The vampires want Cthulhu to save the vampire world, it's getting bright and it hasn't rained blood for a while.
I will have to read more before I can decide whether this genre is for me.
The vampires want Cthulhu to save the vampire world, it's getting bright and it hasn't rained blood for a while.
October 9, 2014
Sometimes all it takes is many, many barrels of pickles.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 27, 2015
CTHULHU CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGERS?
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