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Poets Ranked by Beard Weight: The Commemorative Edition
Poets Ranked by Beard Weight is a tongue-in-cheek classic of Edwardian esoterica, a privately printed leaflet offered by subscription to the informed man of fashion and as a divertissement au courant for the reading bins and cocktail tables of parlor cars, and smoking lounges of gentlemen’s clubs. Typifying a once-popular but nowadays seldom-encountered species of turn-of-the-century ephemera, it has become a rarity much prized by bibliophiles. See how the beards of Walt Whitman and Henry David Thoreau stack up against those of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and Alfred Lord Tennyson.
Also includes: Fundamentals of Beard Flirtation, in which readers learn the etiquette and code of beard poses and gestures; fortune-telling through beard-reading (pogonomancy); beard-based folklore and controversies (“Public Statues: Dignitaries or Dust Catchers?”)
Also includes: Fundamentals of Beard Flirtation, in which readers learn the etiquette and code of beard poses and gestures; fortune-telling through beard-reading (pogonomancy); beard-based folklore and controversies (“Public Statues: Dignitaries or Dust Catchers?”)
- GenresHumorNonfiction
224 pages, Paperback
First published September 28, 2011
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
June 24, 2012
Barbotastic!
This extensive examination of pogonosophy, pogonology, pogonomancy, and other ancient studies of beards and barbotechnology has everything an amateur pogonosopher could ask for! Including illustrations! It ranges from the technical to the romantic to the absurd. And, as promised, it does rank poets by beard weight!
Interesting fact:
The strength of the whisker as a natural fiber is unequaled in nature – a rope woven of human hair has ten times the tensile strength of hemp and approximates that of steel cable!
Ten Simple Rules of Beard Decorum:
Never flaunt the beard!
Taste and discretion first and foremost!
The beard is useless if the man is a cad.
Do not just the beard; tuck in your chin.
Don’t dip your beard in your vichyssoise.
Your beard here; the dowager’s bosom there.
When playing cards, do not hide an ace in your beard.
A beard disguises the face; it cannot disguise the soul.
Unlike the train of a wedding gown, a beard dragging on the floor is not a pretty sight!
Never flaunt the beard!
If 2009 was, for me, the year of the vampire, then 2010 was the year of the beard. That year, I happened to read two books, back to back, that prominently featured a man with a whiskered face: I Capture the Castle and The Year of Living Biblically. Both noted the horror and fascination people have with beards. I mentioned this to a friend, and he gave me an explanation that must have been quoting directly from this book:
The commanding presence of the bearded man is a matter of ordainment, not accident. It is in the order of things; lambs and wolves, leaders and led.
Since that time, I have noted the mesmerizing nature of beards. And our beloved karen was kind enough to send me this instructive guide! Thanks, lady!
This book has everything from a chronology of barbotechnology to a description of barbotopia to a guide to beard flirtation to an explanation of the spiritual search for the World Beard. I learned so much!
This is also a somewhat tragic book. Our dear Upton Uxbridge Underwood, it seems, a model of Victorian prudery, realized the obscenity of the un-whiskered face and made it his mission to “clothe the naked chin.” He himself, however, could not grow a beard. He, therefore, became a prominent creator of faux beards, including the “invisible beard,” which women commonly wear.
I won’t spoil the entire book here. You will need to pick up a copy yourself. But, suffice it to say that after some remarkable adventures, Mr. Underwood left us with this treatise.
And what, you ask, do I look like without my invisible beard?
Wouldn't you like to know.
This extensive examination of pogonosophy, pogonology, pogonomancy, and other ancient studies of beards and barbotechnology has everything an amateur pogonosopher could ask for! Including illustrations! It ranges from the technical to the romantic to the absurd. And, as promised, it does rank poets by beard weight!
Interesting fact:
The strength of the whisker as a natural fiber is unequaled in nature – a rope woven of human hair has ten times the tensile strength of hemp and approximates that of steel cable!
Ten Simple Rules of Beard Decorum:
Never flaunt the beard!
Taste and discretion first and foremost!
The beard is useless if the man is a cad.
Do not just the beard; tuck in your chin.
Don’t dip your beard in your vichyssoise.
Your beard here; the dowager’s bosom there.
When playing cards, do not hide an ace in your beard.
A beard disguises the face; it cannot disguise the soul.
Unlike the train of a wedding gown, a beard dragging on the floor is not a pretty sight!
Never flaunt the beard!
If 2009 was, for me, the year of the vampire, then 2010 was the year of the beard. That year, I happened to read two books, back to back, that prominently featured a man with a whiskered face: I Capture the Castle and The Year of Living Biblically. Both noted the horror and fascination people have with beards. I mentioned this to a friend, and he gave me an explanation that must have been quoting directly from this book:
The commanding presence of the bearded man is a matter of ordainment, not accident. It is in the order of things; lambs and wolves, leaders and led.
Since that time, I have noted the mesmerizing nature of beards. And our beloved karen was kind enough to send me this instructive guide! Thanks, lady!
This book has everything from a chronology of barbotechnology to a description of barbotopia to a guide to beard flirtation to an explanation of the spiritual search for the World Beard. I learned so much!
This is also a somewhat tragic book. Our dear Upton Uxbridge Underwood, it seems, a model of Victorian prudery, realized the obscenity of the un-whiskered face and made it his mission to “clothe the naked chin.” He himself, however, could not grow a beard. He, therefore, became a prominent creator of faux beards, including the “invisible beard,” which women commonly wear.
I won’t spoil the entire book here. You will need to pick up a copy yourself. But, suffice it to say that after some remarkable adventures, Mr. Underwood left us with this treatise.
And what, you ask, do I look like without my invisible beard?
Wouldn't you like to know.
September 22, 2017
Very amusing.
June 26, 2019
This book is hilarious if you have a highly developed sense of the absurd and a love of droll, dry, English spoofing. A perfect book to tote along to places where you have to wait, like the doctor's office.
February 11, 2014
A wonderful Swiftian satire dealing with all things beard. Beginning with an outrageous biography of the author, the reader journeys through the book discovering such highlights as beard heraldry, lore, adages and many other topics dealing with "pogonology." Verbiage such as "purblind aesthetic rectitude" convinces one of the work's academic nature. Numerous etching style illustrations light-heartedly interpret the author's text. When reading, be aware! You, too, could contract bartigfreude.
December 27, 2011
As a piece of fictive history there are moments when it gets a bit silly. Best read in small chunks to better enjoy the comic nonsense of it. Still, Gilbert Alter-Gilbert has done all beard-lovers a favor here, and I still can't stop laughing at Mehendra Singh's illustration of two gas-masked workers in a pit "chlorinating an unruly beard."
August 11, 2016
I'm not sure what I just read, but I liked it.
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October 19, 2013Gilbert Alter-Gilbert is a true scholar and a gentleman … and a twisted, sick, comic genius of all things hirsute.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews