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How Not to Kill Your Baby
Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever? If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over.
Just consider the following advice:
"As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets."
"It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."
"When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"
"It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age.
How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting.
How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.
"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the 'cautionary tale' portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me)
"Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple" --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan)
"If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)
Just consider the following advice:
"As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets."
"It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."
"When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"
"It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age.
How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting.
How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.
"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the 'cautionary tale' portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me)
"Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple" --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan)
"If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)
- GenresHumorParentingNonfiction
136 pages, Paperback
First published March 20, 2012
1 person is currently reading
105 people want to read
About the author
Jacob Sager Weinstein
16 books56 followersJacob Sager Weinstein's work has appeared in The New Yorker and The Onion, and he has written for HBO as well. He lives in London with his wife and children.
His latest book is WHAT ROSA BROUGHT.
His latest book is WHAT ROSA BROUGHT.
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
July 9, 2012
How Not to Kill Your Baby isn’t a parenting book; it’s a parody of the parenting books we all read that gave us important and serious advice like: never put your child in a stroller lest he not learn to walk, cement all your bookshelves to the wall, and train your baby to go to sleep on her own because otherwise you’ll need to show up every night at her college dorm to rock her to sleep.
Sager Weinstein offers advice to the new mother. On pregnancy: “For the next nine months, every time you sit down to eat a meal, you’ll need to remember that you’re eating for two. That means you’ll need twice as much silverware.” On breastfeeding: “Breast-feeding is one of the most natural things a woman can do. For hundreds of thousands of years, it has been an instinctive bond between mother and child—an unending dance of nurture and love. Untold millennia ago, in a fire-lit cavern in a prehistoric jungle, your ancient ancestor knew exactly how to nourish her fragile newborn. You, however, are doing it all wrong.”
For the new father, there’s “Dan,” who offers tips in the form of sidebars. “Dan” introduces himself thusly: “Hi there! My name is Dan, and if you’re anything like me, you’re a guy! And that means you can’t possibly understand anything about pregnancy unless it has lost of sports metaphors and exclamation marks!” I love Dan. I love Dan so much that I went back after I read the book and reread all the Dan sidebars. Dan underscores the sexist and insulting way the parenting industry demeans the father and expects the mother to be perfect.
This book might have been far more useful to me as a new parent than all the serious baby guides. Had I gotten it as a shower gift, it would have made me laugh at how seriously I was taking the whole thing and how insane the babycare industry has gotten. Unfortunately, there is no sequel planned, because what I really need is a copy of How Not to Kill Your Elementary-School Sons When They Get Into a Fistfight on the Walk to School.
Sager Weinstein offers advice to the new mother. On pregnancy: “For the next nine months, every time you sit down to eat a meal, you’ll need to remember that you’re eating for two. That means you’ll need twice as much silverware.” On breastfeeding: “Breast-feeding is one of the most natural things a woman can do. For hundreds of thousands of years, it has been an instinctive bond between mother and child—an unending dance of nurture and love. Untold millennia ago, in a fire-lit cavern in a prehistoric jungle, your ancient ancestor knew exactly how to nourish her fragile newborn. You, however, are doing it all wrong.”
For the new father, there’s “Dan,” who offers tips in the form of sidebars. “Dan” introduces himself thusly: “Hi there! My name is Dan, and if you’re anything like me, you’re a guy! And that means you can’t possibly understand anything about pregnancy unless it has lost of sports metaphors and exclamation marks!” I love Dan. I love Dan so much that I went back after I read the book and reread all the Dan sidebars. Dan underscores the sexist and insulting way the parenting industry demeans the father and expects the mother to be perfect.
This book might have been far more useful to me as a new parent than all the serious baby guides. Had I gotten it as a shower gift, it would have made me laugh at how seriously I was taking the whole thing and how insane the babycare industry has gotten. Unfortunately, there is no sequel planned, because what I really need is a copy of How Not to Kill Your Elementary-School Sons When They Get Into a Fistfight on the Walk to School.
July 12, 2012
This book arrived on the scene at just the right time: when my wife and I were already expecting. If we'd read it before conception, we might have decided against procreating--it's just too damned dangerous. Instead, now we'll just forge ahead with BABY as our primary reference volume. (I will expect Jacob Sager Weinstein to write a second manual--one to guide children through taking care of parents in their dotage. I figure he's got a good ten years before we'll need it.)
Yes, there are other parenting manuals. This one isn't the first, and it won't be the last, but it might just be the most colorful, and the least likely to be a choking hazard. Babies do like to put things in their mouths, after all. We've coated our copy of BABY with a foul-tasting industrial pesticide for just that reason. There was nothing in the book telling us not to coat it with an industrial pesticide. And BABY is comprehensive... so I think we're safe. Oh, and our baby will be, as well. Now.
Yes, there are other parenting manuals. This one isn't the first, and it won't be the last, but it might just be the most colorful, and the least likely to be a choking hazard. Babies do like to put things in their mouths, after all. We've coated our copy of BABY with a foul-tasting industrial pesticide for just that reason. There was nothing in the book telling us not to coat it with an industrial pesticide. And BABY is comprehensive... so I think we're safe. Oh, and our baby will be, as well. Now.
August 16, 2012
A parody of parenting advice books that hits the nail on the head. It turns out that pretty much anything you do is likely to kill your baby. Having read quite a bit of hysterical advice for parents recently, I got some really great laughs from this book.
June 3, 2012
Mildly amusing and a quick, easy read. It's a one-joke book, and the amusement and cleverness factors wear thin pretty quickly.
July 9, 2012
A very funny, lighthearted approach to parenting. A great gift for terrified parents-to-be!
August 29, 2015
This seems like the type of humor that would be right up my alley but it just didn't materialize. I laughed on maybe 1 out of 15 jokes so it avoided the dreaded 1 star review.
March 19, 2017
Read this review (and others) at: https://literatureislife.com/2017/03/...
How Not to Kill Your Baby seemed like the perfect gift when my mother and step-father adopted a few months back. Granted they had already used me and two other siblings as practice babies, but extra prep never hurts. Admittingly, I could not help flipping through the book before putting a bow on it. In a nutshell, this book exemplifies how basically everything could easily kill your baby. Only key protective steps, like cocooning your baby in a permanent layer of bubble wrap, can keep them safe. Do not let the world mentally scar your little one because that is your job as a parent.
On a more serious note, this book is a satire. While it is a hilarious read, do not expect actual advice. A lot of the 1 or 2 star reviews for this book seem to be from people who missed a key part of the book called “comedy”. This “comedy” may be a strange and unknown concept to said people, who were sadly born without a funny bone. Or maybe their funny bone was broken by parents who failed to read this book and it did not heal properly, forever robbing them of the gift of genuine laughter. A truly sad thought.
Back to a cheerier note, this book is a belly tickler. It is a short read at only 136 pages and that does include pictures. This is something that can be read in under an hour but that just makes it a great coffee table book. Where else can you find precious advice about the horrifically terrifying act of raising a baby? Kids are tiny bundles of learning experiences. Does little Johnny know if he skins his knee it could get infected and require an amputation? Of course not! Kids will basically try to commit suicide on a daily basis out of sheer ignorance.
If you have friends on insist on those non-comical “serious” parenting books, slip this in there too. To slip back into seriousness, raising a child is a legitimately scary prospect. Getting a few laughs mixed into there can dissolve some of the nervousness of soon-to-be parents. Raising kids is a difficult process that there is no concrete formula for. And no one book could possibly cover it all. But as kids are little bundles of joy, it is important that a parent remembers to laugh. And this book will have you doing just that.
How Not to Kill Your Baby seemed like the perfect gift when my mother and step-father adopted a few months back. Granted they had already used me and two other siblings as practice babies, but extra prep never hurts. Admittingly, I could not help flipping through the book before putting a bow on it. In a nutshell, this book exemplifies how basically everything could easily kill your baby. Only key protective steps, like cocooning your baby in a permanent layer of bubble wrap, can keep them safe. Do not let the world mentally scar your little one because that is your job as a parent.
On a more serious note, this book is a satire. While it is a hilarious read, do not expect actual advice. A lot of the 1 or 2 star reviews for this book seem to be from people who missed a key part of the book called “comedy”. This “comedy” may be a strange and unknown concept to said people, who were sadly born without a funny bone. Or maybe their funny bone was broken by parents who failed to read this book and it did not heal properly, forever robbing them of the gift of genuine laughter. A truly sad thought.
Back to a cheerier note, this book is a belly tickler. It is a short read at only 136 pages and that does include pictures. This is something that can be read in under an hour but that just makes it a great coffee table book. Where else can you find precious advice about the horrifically terrifying act of raising a baby? Kids are tiny bundles of learning experiences. Does little Johnny know if he skins his knee it could get infected and require an amputation? Of course not! Kids will basically try to commit suicide on a daily basis out of sheer ignorance.
If you have friends on insist on those non-comical “serious” parenting books, slip this in there too. To slip back into seriousness, raising a child is a legitimately scary prospect. Getting a few laughs mixed into there can dissolve some of the nervousness of soon-to-be parents. Raising kids is a difficult process that there is no concrete formula for. And no one book could possibly cover it all. But as kids are little bundles of joy, it is important that a parent remembers to laugh. And this book will have you doing just that.
December 25, 2017
Extremely helpful information for new parents. I never leave home without it.
November 21, 2015
About half of this was funny, and the other half was not.
I recommend it anyway, because the parts that were funny were very funny. It's a parody of all those 'prepping for baby' books, and if you've ever read any, you will find this extremely amusing at times.
I think I mostly didn't get the guy-related parts. A guy probably would find those parts funnier.
I recommend it anyway, because the parts that were funny were very funny. It's a parody of all those 'prepping for baby' books, and if you've ever read any, you will find this extremely amusing at times.
I think I mostly didn't get the guy-related parts. A guy probably would find those parts funnier.
June 21, 2012
This is a cute parody of the multitude of histrionic parenting guides on the market. As the intarweb kids say, actual laughter was produced in a few instances (the useless, sports analogy-filled tips for dads in particular), but this probably would have worked better as a series of occasional blog articles than an actual printed book.
February 17, 2015
It was a funny photo prop in our pregnancy announcement, but there's not any real information in the book and it's not even humorous enough to be considered satire. It is what it is, but I wouldn't pay full price for it. In fact, if you also would like to use this for your pregnancy announcement, contact me and I will send it to you as I will probably never open it again.
January 22, 2016
Oh the hilarity. Parenting books can be so overwhelming, and this parody mocks them all with absolute brilliance. So, so funny, and the perfect gift for an expectant mom. (That's what I'm doing with my copy!)
Want to read
March 27, 2012As seen on Free Range Kids.
January 1, 2014
This book is great. It speaks a lot of truth in it's nonsense, which makes it that much more hilarious.
December 31, 2013
Pretty funny with a few pieces of decent advice within. Got it as a gag gift from a friend.
January 20, 2016
Very amusing and clever.
January 5, 2014
It was good! Quick, funny read when I needed to cleanse my palate~
January 21, 2016
Amusing. Doesn't teach you a lot (doesn't aim to though), but moderately funny.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews