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98 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 1, 2011
I don’t remember the moment I knew I was broken… but I do recall when I started to understand that it might be okay. It was the moment I fell in love with the boy with the green eyes.
Obviously furious, he snapped, “Is that what you think of me?” while coming to a stop in the middle of living room. I paused for a moment, not sure how to proceed. This was all too familiar to me, and that was throwing off what I was sure was righteous indignation.
“I don’t—” I blurted. “I mean I didn’t— He was demanding answers now, and his tone and manner were entering dangerous territory as far as my mind was concerned. He was starting to sound like my mom.
“Brad, I—” I started to say under my breath.
“What?” He took the final step toward me. “I can’t hear you,” he said as he reached out toward me.
I’m sure there were half a million reasons he could have made a move like that, but my mind only knew one.
I drew back and flinched…..
It was the flinch of someone who was used to being hit.
He froze instantly. His entire body looked carved out of wax as his expression morphed from anger to horrified shock, while mine dropped into a panicked cringe of abject terror.
“Kyle,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper. “I wasn’t going to—”
“I know, I know.” Then, after a few seconds, sorrow began to saturate his words. “My dad hits me too.” And then we began to cry together.
What Kelly didn’t see was that I was no longer just standing up to him and his actions of the past few days. In my mind, this wasn’t about him and me and what we had done to each other. This was about a life spent in fear. A fear of people finding out who and what I really was. A fear that if I ever exposed who I really was, I would be shunned and hated for it. A fear that my mom would beat me up because she suspected who I was.
But honestly, how was that any different from the way I was already living my life?
I was alone, friendless, and generally considered odd by the few people who even realized I existed, so what did it matter if they found out? I was done running—from being gay, from my mom, from myself.
I was the hero of this story, and it was damn time I stated acting like I was.
I don't remember the moment I knew I was broken, but I do know the moment I began to feel fixed. It was the day the green-eyed boy fell in love with me.
“Once upon a time there was a boy who didn’t get to fall in love. The End.”