Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

by Allison M. Dickson

“It is perfectly normal to experience depression and ruminate morosely about your fate as an immortal. This is the one part Anne Rice got right. That and the steamy homoeroticism.” --“Vampires in Popular Culture,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition

His skin is blistered from the sun, he can't sleep at night, and he wants to suck the blood out of a raw steak, but mailman Louis Cross still can't believe his doctor's he's a vampire.

But it turns out the small town Doc has an agenda. He's an ancient creature of the night, and his people are an endangered species. His plan? To turn Louis along with half the town into vampires using a serum disguised as a flu shot.

Thanks to a handy book, DEXTER BLOODGOOD'S SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR MODERN VAMPIRES, Louis learns that being a vampire comes with all sorts of drawbacks (erectile dysfunction, anyone?), and when the new fledglings start to turn up missing or, in several cases, murdered and dismembered, he suspects the doctor's plans are a lot more sinister. He and his friends embark on an adventure to learn the absurd truths at the heart of vampire lore so they can save their town and give Louis back the only job he ever carrying the mail.

A satirical urban fantasy, Scarlet The Tale of the Vampire Mailman sticks its tongue firmly in its cheek and keeps it there.

AUTHOR'S Version 2.0 of this book was published on 2/20/12, correcting many mistakes found in the original version. If you have the original version and would like the updated one, you may do so by contacting Kindle customer service. I'm sorry for any inconvenience and thank you for your support.

Genres: Humor, Vampires

232 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 25, 2011

About the author

Allison M. Dickson is the author of several well-reviewed independently published novels and short stories covering everything from horror and sci-fi to suspense.

Her major debut thriller, THE OTHER MRS MILLER, is due out from Putnam on 7/16/19! Learn more at her work at allisonmdickson.com.

Reviews

[Ian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not your average vampire.

If you're tired of urban fantasy that takes itself too seriously, and need a respite from the Twi-hards and their vampiric romantic triangles, Scarlet Letters is just what the doctor ordered. From the wonderful quotes to begin each chapter (from a mythical book by "Dexter Bloodgood", which I would read if Dickson ever wrote it) to the madcap misadventures of loveable schlub Louis and his Man Friday Stan, Scarlet Letters delivers a dose of humor and fun and a fresh take on what it means to be a vampire.

And you'll cringe at how vampires are really made in this one. Seriously, ew. And seriously, LOL.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was already reading another book, so only opened this one to ensure my Kindle version was formated properly. That was over a week ago. Scarlet Letters drew me in from page one and I had to finish it before reading anything else.

This is the second book I've read by Allison M. Dickson and I'm officially in love. It is the funniest vampire book I've ever read, and not just because of the running commentary on how bad the Twilight series is.
The characters are well-drawn and each is woven carefully into the plot. It takes a bit of willing suspension of disbelief - but this book rewards that small investment.
Absurd tidbits are constantly thrown in to highlight how ridiculous vampire books have become, and I do believe this is the first parody of the vampire genre that I've ever read.

Added bonuses:
- hot vampires
- not-so-hot vampire groupies
- an awesome human best friend
- a villain in a cape
- each chapter starts with an excerpt from the official vampire handbook.

Though I have given this book a 5 star rating, I have one complaint - while good, this book needs to be edited. I found quite a few typos, but luckily they weren't bad enough to distract me from the story.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

I honestly have trouble writing a review about this book. I say this after reading many varied stories by this author. I feel like this would be how Douglas Adams would write a vamp story if he had an anal fixation, while the story has horror elements and humor elements, there is an anti-vampire fiction vibe to this that almost makes this hard to read, especially if you are a fan of the genre. I do recognize this story is unique and I feel like the "hero" of this story and the character growth he has gets me into the story. The buddy aspect is also unique that could come out of a Jeff foxworthy tour is fun to read. An awkward love story that is an older age version, puts a unique spin on erectile dysfunction . This book has enough to make it a read it to experience it book. I give it 3 stars because it can be strange and uncomfortable to read for me at times and defies any genre you can fit it in

[Shadow Girl · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've read Allison's work before, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman delivers everything we've grown to love about her writing. You care about her characters, (love 'em or hate 'em - you care), and are eager to find out what she has in-store for them. Allison's sense of humor is always there, sometimes it's just hidden a little deeper under the surface. Choosing to write about vampires in a world overrun by glittering fans could have gone either way, but this couldn't have gone better - the only thing sparking will be the reviews!
She is subtlety poking fun at things going on IRL, trends, celebrities in the news, literature & movies. Keep your eyes on characters names, book titles, city & street names...
The story itself is fresh & original, and descriptive to the point of being there with the characters, seeing/feeling/smelling the things they do.
I loved the quotes from Dexter Bloodgood's Survival Guide For Modern Vampires 19th Edition being used throughout, and if Allison M. Dickson sees this... I think that it would be a fun book/pamphlet/guide or even a companion piece to Scarlet Letters! I'd buy it!

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A smart, disgusting, vampire comedy ~ The story deserves 5 stars and I can't wait for the sequel - but this copy needs some minor editing so I'm going with 4.
Louis the Mailman notices changes in his town and himself. In a hilarious, sometimes puke-a-little-bit-in-my-mouth gross, always clever roller coaster of an adventure - Ms Dickson takes us to Chagrin Falls, where vampires are supernaturally sexy but they don't sparkle, werewolves don't drink just any beer and if you don't have a sense of humor you won't make it out alive.
I am a vampire fan. From Bram Stoker to Charlene Harris. And now Allison M. Dickson. I loved this.

[Colleen Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fun book! This is a light-hearted vampire tale with plenty of humor -- actually had me laughing out loud in several spots. The author throws in a bit of sexual tension, as well as a dash of gore for good measure. She knows how to craft a story that keeps you engaged and entertained. This is an "Everyman" vampire book that looks at how an ordinary small-town man would react if he woke up one morning to find he'd become a mythical creature.

I got the re-edited Kindle edition; there are still a few minor errors, but not many, and not enough to be distracting.

[Beth Jensen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love love love your other work Allison. This one was really in need of editing. A ton of "He Stan said" and "We they have to..." It was great until about half way through then the whole thing went downhill. The only reason I'm not upset I paid for it is because I think you DO deserve it for most of your other work!

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved, loved, LOVED this story. It was a freshing and decliously naughty take on another vampire story. It felt fresh and sucked me in right away. I was laughing out loud,teared up a bit, and was even scared a bit. So so funny. Love a girl who isn't afraid to be crude and rude. Plus those parts didn't feel fake or forced. Amazing!!!!

[Aggeliki · Rating 2 out of 5]

The general idea of this novel is interesting and so is the plot at times, there are some funny bits too, but overall The Tale Of The Vampire Mailman needed a lot more work and possibly a better editor before being published.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely not you average vampire novel. This story follows Louis, a mail carrier who has become a vampire, and his best friend Stan, as they bumble their way to understanding just what being a newly made vampire means. Throughout this book there is comedy, quirkiness, suspense, love, and lots and lots of sunscreen! (Plus it is super awesome that he drives an antique Volkswagen Beetle!)