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Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother
While books about adoption proliferate, none of them addresses the subject of open and interracial adoption like Jana Wolff's personal and frank account does in Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother. Often irreverent, always insightful, surprisingly funny and stunningly honest, Secret Thoughts tells it like it is: How it feels for a woman to look nothing like her child and to know the woman who does. This fiercely honest and funny book answers questions no one dares to ask: What if I don't like the child I get? Will she want the baby back? If this is the happiest day of my life, why am I so sad? Am I too white for a kid this black? Chapter titles include: The Myth of Bliss, Friendly Racism, Meeting Your Child's Mother, and Adopted Poop Doesn't Smell Any Different.
167 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1997
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews
February 7, 2023
"Adoption is a bittersweet solution to a two-way problem. Sweet, because a baby in need of a home finds a home in need of a baby. But bitter because it is nobody's first choice, and the baby will grow up one day to understand that"
This is a very personal account of a transracial adoption, and as this book shows the perspective from the adoptive Mother, I will say that it has really opened my eyes, even at thirty two years of age.
I was adopted at a young age, and I was told this when my parents thought me as being old enough to understand. During school, if we had to draw a picture of our families, I usually said I looked more like my Mum than my Dad, not understanding that adoption meant that I wasn't blood related to my adoptive parents. As I got older, I began to get curious, like when Doctor's enquired about family history of illnesses, and my Mum always told them that she adopted me, and there was nothing significant that she was aware of.
I went through the motions of even detesting my birth mother, wondering how could an individual could bring a child into the world, then just give them away? Luckily, this phase didn't last. I realised that giving up a child was not something done lightly.
This book is brutally honest, and it even makes you feel like you are there, with the author, going through the motions of adoption with her. All the things the author went through, and some of the emotions I'd never even considered my adoptive Mum had to go through, has humbled me. From not receiving the same treatment as a pregnant woman, to not receiving maternity pay from work. Why on earth do adoptive parents not receive the same treatment? In my opinion, they are still bringing up a baby, and in some ways, it is harder for adoptive parents than biological parents.
The part that moved me, was when the author discussed how scared she was about not loving her baby right away, and really, if she ever would. This is something that I'd never thought about really. In reality, an adoptive parent is meeting a baby they've never laid eyes on before, then they take them home and give them a wonderful life.
I value my parents immensely for adopting me as they've given me an amazing life. I cannot imagine how incredibly nerve-racking and emotional it would have been for them going through the process of adopting a child. But I do know they had a hell of a lot of love to give, as four years later, they did it again, and gave me a sister!
This is an amazing book, that I could definitely read again in the future.
This is a very personal account of a transracial adoption, and as this book shows the perspective from the adoptive Mother, I will say that it has really opened my eyes, even at thirty two years of age.
I was adopted at a young age, and I was told this when my parents thought me as being old enough to understand. During school, if we had to draw a picture of our families, I usually said I looked more like my Mum than my Dad, not understanding that adoption meant that I wasn't blood related to my adoptive parents. As I got older, I began to get curious, like when Doctor's enquired about family history of illnesses, and my Mum always told them that she adopted me, and there was nothing significant that she was aware of.
I went through the motions of even detesting my birth mother, wondering how could an individual could bring a child into the world, then just give them away? Luckily, this phase didn't last. I realised that giving up a child was not something done lightly.
This book is brutally honest, and it even makes you feel like you are there, with the author, going through the motions of adoption with her. All the things the author went through, and some of the emotions I'd never even considered my adoptive Mum had to go through, has humbled me. From not receiving the same treatment as a pregnant woman, to not receiving maternity pay from work. Why on earth do adoptive parents not receive the same treatment? In my opinion, they are still bringing up a baby, and in some ways, it is harder for adoptive parents than biological parents.
The part that moved me, was when the author discussed how scared she was about not loving her baby right away, and really, if she ever would. This is something that I'd never thought about really. In reality, an adoptive parent is meeting a baby they've never laid eyes on before, then they take them home and give them a wonderful life.
I value my parents immensely for adopting me as they've given me an amazing life. I cannot imagine how incredibly nerve-racking and emotional it would have been for them going through the process of adopting a child. But I do know they had a hell of a lot of love to give, as four years later, they did it again, and gave me a sister!
This is an amazing book, that I could definitely read again in the future.
March 26, 2010
As an adoptive mom, this book was exactly what I needed, and I wish I had found it year ago, before we adopted.
The author shares her feelings and fears so honestly, and helps all of us other adoptive moms feel like we aren't the only ones who feel that way. So often we feel like we must be the only people who are worried about loving our adopted children, or if we will feel like a "real" parent, or if adoption really is the best choice, or how to build a connection with a child who doesn't share family traits, etc. I also appreciate the wonderful way she describes the losses of adoption, including adoptive families loss of a dream of biological children, and the adopted child's loss of his or her birth relatives. I wish all adoptive parents could speak more honestly about these feelings, so we would feel less alone.
I applaud the author for her courage in sharing her feelings so honestly, and for doing such a great job capturing them in an entertaining book that's very easy to read.
After reading the book, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. While we were not part of an open, domestic adoption (as the author writes about), so many of the issues are common across all adoption situations. I also really appreciated her discussion of cross-cultural issues and prejudice, and how to deal with people's reactions to a child who doesn't look like one or both parents.
I only wish the adoption agencies I worked with did a better job preparing parents for the adoption journey and helping us get in touch with our feelings about adoption. And I would have loved it if they had encouraged me to read this book as we were starting our adoption journey. It is so different than all other books I've read about adoption. I highly recommend it.
This is one of my new very favorite books.
The author shares her feelings and fears so honestly, and helps all of us other adoptive moms feel like we aren't the only ones who feel that way. So often we feel like we must be the only people who are worried about loving our adopted children, or if we will feel like a "real" parent, or if adoption really is the best choice, or how to build a connection with a child who doesn't share family traits, etc. I also appreciate the wonderful way she describes the losses of adoption, including adoptive families loss of a dream of biological children, and the adopted child's loss of his or her birth relatives. I wish all adoptive parents could speak more honestly about these feelings, so we would feel less alone.
I applaud the author for her courage in sharing her feelings so honestly, and for doing such a great job capturing them in an entertaining book that's very easy to read.
After reading the book, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. While we were not part of an open, domestic adoption (as the author writes about), so many of the issues are common across all adoption situations. I also really appreciated her discussion of cross-cultural issues and prejudice, and how to deal with people's reactions to a child who doesn't look like one or both parents.
I only wish the adoption agencies I worked with did a better job preparing parents for the adoption journey and helping us get in touch with our feelings about adoption. And I would have loved it if they had encouraged me to read this book as we were starting our adoption journey. It is so different than all other books I've read about adoption. I highly recommend it.
This is one of my new very favorite books.
April 4, 2014
Memoirs are incredibly personal, and it's challenging to write one that is both honest and yet doesn't throw friends and family members too far under the bus. I felt that Ms. Wolff had a good balance here of honesty and writing ability, but this entire book bothered me.
I have obviously not lived the author's life, but we do have some similarities. Unlike her, I was able to birth a healthy, biological son, but obstacles with pregnancy and delivery led us to choosing a different path for future children. Like her and her husband, we then adopted a child of a different race, and we are currently in the process of adopting another child of that same race this June.
You could argue that I can not completely understand her perspective of wanting a biological child but not being able to have one; it's true that I never had to work through that. But, I have the unique perspective that, for me, the love I feel for both of my children is exactly the same and it has freed me from some of Ms. Wolff's near-obsessive preoccupation with the biological parents of her child and her insecurity in calling herself his mommy.
I was frequently annoyed by her choice to write her opinions as Universal Truths rather than opinions. For example, "Many little girls play "mommy" just like I did, but none of us dreams of becoming an adoptive mother." Not true! I wanted to adopt a child from a very young age, and I know many other women who have shared, and implemented, the same dream. Or, how about this one: "Adoption is a bittersweet solution to a two-way problem. Sweet, because a baby in need of a home finds a home in need of a baby. But bitter because it is nobody's first choice, and the baby will grow up one day to understand that." Really? I know more than a few couples who have set out expressly to adopt from the beginning, ones who have completely bypassed their own fertility based on either spiritual beliefs or concerns about population growth.
I think it is a dangerous practice to assert opinions as facts, even if your opinions are ferocious ones. . . it still doesn't make them cold, hard facts. I would have enjoyed this read more if the author could have suggested she FELT this way, rather than that this was the way it was. This is one big, crowded planet and you might concede a little of "different strokes for different folks."
I have obviously not lived the author's life, but we do have some similarities. Unlike her, I was able to birth a healthy, biological son, but obstacles with pregnancy and delivery led us to choosing a different path for future children. Like her and her husband, we then adopted a child of a different race, and we are currently in the process of adopting another child of that same race this June.
You could argue that I can not completely understand her perspective of wanting a biological child but not being able to have one; it's true that I never had to work through that. But, I have the unique perspective that, for me, the love I feel for both of my children is exactly the same and it has freed me from some of Ms. Wolff's near-obsessive preoccupation with the biological parents of her child and her insecurity in calling herself his mommy.
I was frequently annoyed by her choice to write her opinions as Universal Truths rather than opinions. For example, "Many little girls play "mommy" just like I did, but none of us dreams of becoming an adoptive mother." Not true! I wanted to adopt a child from a very young age, and I know many other women who have shared, and implemented, the same dream. Or, how about this one: "Adoption is a bittersweet solution to a two-way problem. Sweet, because a baby in need of a home finds a home in need of a baby. But bitter because it is nobody's first choice, and the baby will grow up one day to understand that." Really? I know more than a few couples who have set out expressly to adopt from the beginning, ones who have completely bypassed their own fertility based on either spiritual beliefs or concerns about population growth.
I think it is a dangerous practice to assert opinions as facts, even if your opinions are ferocious ones. . . it still doesn't make them cold, hard facts. I would have enjoyed this read more if the author could have suggested she FELT this way, rather than that this was the way it was. This is one big, crowded planet and you might concede a little of "different strokes for different folks."
December 27, 2016
The author of this book so bitter and cynical, the source of which is her infertility and being "forced" to adopt. I want to say that her honesty is refreshing, but truthfully, this book just made me angry that her bitter words were given a platform. I pray that her adopted child never reads these pages.
May 7, 2011
In a culture that idealizes pregnancy, it's hard to be an adoptive mom. In a culture that increasingly idealizes adoption (see: Angelina--whom we love doubly because she's altruistic AND fertile), Jana Wolff's candor is refreshing. Although I didn't relate to her feeling that adoption was inherently a second choice for any parent (even as a kid, I wanted to adopt a kid), I imagine that someday I'll relate to her envy and resentment of her baby's birth mom; her slow-to-bloom love for this stranger's baby; her feelings of isolation from "real" moms; and her grappling with racial issues she thought she'd already grappled with. As this book illustrates, the miracle of love and family is that they can take root in even the toughest, most random of circumstances.
May 27, 2009
Lighthearted yet honest in her feelings, Wolff brings up all manner of thoughts that go through your head when you are entering the realm of adoption. This book really made me feel like I wasn't the only one who might wonder some of these things!
October 9, 2013
I highlighted the hell out of this book. It is a must-read for anyone considering adoption, especially interracial adoption.
Wolff is brutally honest, and I mean that not as a fall-back cliche but truly, brutally so. It's not many mothers who are brave enough to admit that they didn't love their children immediately, adoptive or biological. It's not many adoptive mothers who will admit jealousy and resentment of the birth mother, and even less who will admit that for them, adoption was a second (or third, or fourth) choice. Wolff holds nothing back, and I can describe the resulting book as nothing less than a gift to other adoptive mothers.
My personal experience so far only extends through the home-study phase, but at least up to that point I found Wolff's portrayal to be entirely accurate.
Wolff also talks a lot about her difficulty with the transaction of adoption itself. She cannot fully understand a mother giving up her child, so she cannot fully support an act that ends up in that. In the same vein, as a mother myself I cannot fully understand a mother losing her child, so I cannot fully support a situation where that happens and they are placed with us (we are hoping to adopt through the foster care system). In both cases, it's an enormous internal conflict. How can you hope for a devastating situation to happen so that the resulting outcome is a child for you? How can you hope that, knowing that the child will have an enormous loss in order for that to happen?
I think I'm so used to blogs and other social media where people are presenting a carefully curated version of themselves to the world. Wolff's honesty and conflict were so refreshing. I will definitely be re-reading this book when we get a placement.
Wolff is brutally honest, and I mean that not as a fall-back cliche but truly, brutally so. It's not many mothers who are brave enough to admit that they didn't love their children immediately, adoptive or biological. It's not many adoptive mothers who will admit jealousy and resentment of the birth mother, and even less who will admit that for them, adoption was a second (or third, or fourth) choice. Wolff holds nothing back, and I can describe the resulting book as nothing less than a gift to other adoptive mothers.
My personal experience so far only extends through the home-study phase, but at least up to that point I found Wolff's portrayal to be entirely accurate.
Wolff also talks a lot about her difficulty with the transaction of adoption itself. She cannot fully understand a mother giving up her child, so she cannot fully support an act that ends up in that. In the same vein, as a mother myself I cannot fully understand a mother losing her child, so I cannot fully support a situation where that happens and they are placed with us (we are hoping to adopt through the foster care system). In both cases, it's an enormous internal conflict. How can you hope for a devastating situation to happen so that the resulting outcome is a child for you? How can you hope that, knowing that the child will have an enormous loss in order for that to happen?
I think I'm so used to blogs and other social media where people are presenting a carefully curated version of themselves to the world. Wolff's honesty and conflict were so refreshing. I will definitely be re-reading this book when we get a placement.
March 9, 2010
This book is about a mother, her struggles in becoming a parent of a child through adoption and an interracial family. It is a story about the benefits and anxieties associated with domestic open adoption following infertility. She talks candidly about both infertility and adoption.
I found this book to be a very quick and easy read. She wans't trying to lecture me on how to behave, just old it like it was for her. It was so nice to hear in print from a mother that has gone through many of the things we have or will experience. Although we choose the intercountry route, I would still recommend this to others adopting under any circumstances. She does a nice job of telling her feelings, but letting the reader be reassured that she made it through alive, well and happy. The author describes many questions, some of which have flashed into my head at one time or another.
I found this book to be a very quick and easy read. She wans't trying to lecture me on how to behave, just old it like it was for her. It was so nice to hear in print from a mother that has gone through many of the things we have or will experience. Although we choose the intercountry route, I would still recommend this to others adopting under any circumstances. She does a nice job of telling her feelings, but letting the reader be reassured that she made it through alive, well and happy. The author describes many questions, some of which have flashed into my head at one time or another.
June 29, 2010
This is a classic 'don't judge a book by it's cover,' because the title of this book suggests a different tone than it really is. And the cover picture of the copy I read was pretty lame.
I felt extremely validated during this very quick read (practically one sitting and that with an infant in my arms!). She addresses feelings that are real and honest, without being overly cynical. Her feelings don't all resolve to nice neat packages in the end, but the overall feeling is positive. She sees adoption as the miracle it is, but not in a therefore everything is easy and simple, way. I appreciate the way she addresses complex emotions and decisions involved, while treating them with enough humor (humor that, used by someone not involved with adoption I may find offensive, actually) to allow it to really resonate in a been there done that way.
I felt extremely validated during this very quick read (practically one sitting and that with an infant in my arms!). She addresses feelings that are real and honest, without being overly cynical. Her feelings don't all resolve to nice neat packages in the end, but the overall feeling is positive. She sees adoption as the miracle it is, but not in a therefore everything is easy and simple, way. I appreciate the way she addresses complex emotions and decisions involved, while treating them with enough humor (humor that, used by someone not involved with adoption I may find offensive, actually) to allow it to really resonate in a been there done that way.
April 29, 2012
I've wondered about this book for years and finally got around to reading it. It's a quick read. It wasn't very novel and I found some of the author's thoughts and experiences hard to relate to, despite all that we have in common. Her level of detachment prior to adopting and immediately after adopting seemed high. Even some of the details surprised me, like her sitting in the front of the car on the first car ride with her newborn son - why didn't she ride next to him given that her husband was driving? I also think that the title of the book is unfortunate and somehow implies that adoptive moms, especially those who have adopted transracially, harbor many closed-minded thoughts. All that being said, this may be an interesting read for individuals who are considering adopting transracially.
January 30, 2010
This is a very honest and straightforward book written by a mother who (along with her husband) adopted her son domestically through open adoption. She is very open about her journey and the wonderful parts, strange parts, and sorrowful parts of the adoption process. It's a short book and a quick read. The author provides insight into the cognitive process of coming to know and love an adopted child and does not shy away from revealing thoughts and feelings that others might consider wrong or taboo. The author's adoption was an interracial and intercultural adoption, and she discusses that component as well. I learned a lot from this book and imagine that it would be comforting and helpful to many adoptive parents.
July 11, 2008
Though this book is on every recommended reading list for prospective adoptive parents, I put off purchasing it as I knew it dealt with issues of infertility and domestic adoption - neither of which affected me personally. Oh, how pleased I am that I finally ordered this gem! This should be required reading for adoptive parents as it delves into taboo topics and shared feelings than only fellow PAPs can understand. I'll be earmarking chapters of this for my husband as well. Definitely a must-read for thos considering or pursuing adoption.
April 12, 2009
Now this is a personal account that I can totally relate to, not because I have experienced what she experienced, but because I so relate to her thoughts & feelings about different aspects of the adoption process. She talks about things that are almost taboo, and it is really refreshing to get that kind of honest account while still showing that, ultimately, it was all worth it. Anyone who is researching adoption or interested in any aspect of the adoption process would find this an interesting read.
August 10, 2007
This is a pretty good book that. The author shares her inner thoughts (not so inner anymore, are they?) about aspects of her open adoption of a child of a race different from hers. It's a quick read; the chapters are basically brief essays on each topic. I expected more from the description -- I thought she would share other perspectives.
The book is a little hard to track down. I got it through interlibrary loan (yay, interlibrary loan!).
The book is a little hard to track down. I got it through interlibrary loan (yay, interlibrary loan!).
February 17, 2009
I felt like the first half of this book could have been written by me- and probably all other adoptive moms out there. It was so true, and sad, and funny all at the same time. The second half was a bit different from my situation, but good none the less. I wish all my friends and family would read this to understand a little bit what adoptive mothers go through. It was a quick read, took only a couple of hours.
May 4, 2011
As my husband and I wait for a birthmother to pick us, somedays we think we're going crazy. And some days we think do we really want to do this to ourselves. Loved this book's honesty about this whole very surreal, weird experience. If you know John and I and want to understand how we feel right now, I recommend this book. She says the things that we never say to anyone but each other,but wish we could.
April 26, 2011
This is a really amazing book. I learned about what adoptive parents are dealing with... their insecurities, issues, hopes, and fears. There are several chapters on racism... not the hateful kind, but the kind of unknowing racism that most people have.
Jana Wolff's humor is priceless. She is clever and witty.
This book is a short, interesting read. It will open your eyes!
Jana Wolff's humor is priceless. She is clever and witty.
This book is a short, interesting read. It will open your eyes!
January 22, 2008
Would call it a must read for parents who are adopting - and their friends and family. Expresses a lot of the questions and thoughts that roll around in an adoptive parent's head - the thoughts they can't share out loud.
August 8, 2008
I could not put this book down.
It was really gripping to read how an adoptive mother learned about the unquestioned/unremarked upon racism through the experiences of her son.
Very thought provoking about the realities of adopting a child of color.
It was really gripping to read how an adoptive mother learned about the unquestioned/unremarked upon racism through the experiences of her son.
Very thought provoking about the realities of adopting a child of color.
August 27, 2008
This book hit home on so many of my own thoughts and feelings and I found myself almost sobbing at times. However, the author is hilarious and I often laughed out loud as well. An excellent, very quick read especially for those touched by adoption.
September 3, 2008
I loved the way Wolff takes the reader through the adoption journey - from infertility treatments to parenting - with complete openess and honesty. A must read for anyone wishing to know more about what it means to become a mother through adoption.
December 6, 2009
I read this book in one night. I loved it, Wolff was honest and endearing and didnt make me feel nervous or anxious about adopting. While I dont think I will choose a completely open adoption, this book gives great insight into people that do. Wonderfu.
November 22, 2010
This is a great book--which definitely made me tear up openly on a plane. This is perfect for me right now because it addressed all of the questions about adoption it doesn't seem right to ask people, but I really wanted to know the answers to!
December 20, 2010
Jana Wolff got into my head and truly understood and bravely verbalizes the tough and sometimes shame inducing aspects of being an adoptive mom. A good read that helped me feel like I am not alone. She courageously addressed the adoptive mom woes and worries in a humorous manner.
July 25, 2011
Completely fantastic! It is so great to hear someone deal with adoption so openly - the good parts and the bad. Her humor is just bordering on irreverent, but doesn't cross the line: the beautiful things are still beautiful. Also an excellent treatment of trans racial adoption issues.
April 15, 2008
Great book for those interested in feelings about adoption. Fast, easy read. She totally pegged my feelings (that I would normally not admit). Excellent!
May 9, 2008
Although her adoption situation was a bit different than mine, what I found in this book is permission to feel a range of emotions about the whole adoption experience.
August 8, 2008
This was a fabulous books. If you are at all touched by the world of adoption, it hits home. The insecurities, the self-doubt, everything.
September 23, 2008
I LOVED THIS BOOK. I swear I could have written it myself. Awesome. I read it in 3 hours.
November 13, 2008
Good insights, helpful things I didn't think about!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews