Killing My Flesh Without You: A Grotesque Love Story

by Ryan Thomas LaBee

Brace yourself. This story will be hard to read. Hell, it’s not a pleasant story for me to write. It’s grotesque and abhorrent. I’m just going to put it all out on front street. I am not a well-adjusted human being. But, then again, who is? What does it even mean to be “well-adjusted”? I suppose we are all fucked up in our own unique way. I’ll start with when I stuck my hand in the garbage disposal.

Killing My Flesh Without You is one part coming-of-age story and a one-part grotesque love story. Stephen Cormier was born with a form of Body Integrity Identity Dysmorphia which causes him to reject his left arm. When no doctor will amputate a seemingly perfect good arm, Stephen begins wrapping his alien appendage underneath layers of wrapping and clothing. That is until he connects with a young woman online who shares a similar desire as Stephen. The two make a pact and what follows is a twisted love affair that will push each of them out of their comfort zones and will have them asking, "how far will I go for love?"

Genres: Horror, Fiction

105 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 7, 2023

About the author

Ryan Thomas LaBee is a Missouri-born writer, journalist and Air Force veteran based in Southwest Missouri. He holds an MFA in Creative Writing and writes historical and literary fiction rooted in Midwest Gothic traditions and regional history. He is a national contributor to Military.com and CinemaBlend and founder of Pyre Magazine.

You can find Ryan online:
www.ohthatryan.com
Instagram: @oh_that_ryan

Reviews

[Peter Topside · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a bit of a wierd experience. A very similar concept to something Sea Caummisar would write. The first part that confused me was the opening. I couldn’t tell if this was an author’s note or the main character, Stephen, and with everything past tense, if this was supposed to be some sort of memoir or not, which it turned out not to be. Just threw me off a bit from the start and needed more clarification. The premise was good and Stephen was a really interesting lead, but I struggled to find the proper context to his actions throughout. Like everything came across as a means to an end and nothing was organic. And, with the very fast pace, I felt like there were many missed opportunities to explore him properly and make everything have a better flow. If this story was slowed down and allowed things to simmer with the reader, plus did a more significant character dive, not relying so much on the gore, it would have taken this to another level. The body horror was also decent, but nothing to warrant ‘grotesque’ in the subtitle. Not my favorite horror experience, but there were still some enjoyable pieces.

[Stitching Ghost · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the back and forth between Cormier speaking and the chat logs/message board posts, that's a very hit or miss structure and I found that in this particular instance it was really quite effectively done. I enjoyed the relationship between the characters there was something very real and raw about how they were presented. The story never felt rushed and there was enough character building that things never seemed out of the left field.
Perfect romance for those who aren't romantic!
4.5 rounded up.

[Stephen Cooper · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short haunting read. Part beautiful... part what the actual fuck! Really liked this one.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to Goodreads for providing me with a giveaway copy of this novella! All thoughts are my own and have not been influenced by the giveaway.

I liked this. I didn't love it. I think the exploration of a relationship between two people fundamentally unhappy in their bodies was interesting, but I'm not sure the story did anything particularly spectacular. I also truthfully couldn't tell if we were supposed to find the MC insufferable or not -- I did, but I'm not sure the text wanted me to. I also can't help comparing this to Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke, which also is set in the early aughts and has a chatroom element. However, these are definitely different stories, so keep that in mind.

Overall, I would recommend this to anyone intrigued by the premise. It's a quick read, and I did mostly like it.

TWs: ableism, gore, abuse, necrophilia, dubious consent.

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a wild ride from start to finish.

Stephen is afflicted with a disorder called apotemnophilia (say that 5 times fast), also known as Body Integrity Identity Dysmorphia. His personal iteration of this disorder is in his left arm, and he spends years tortured by the itch of feeling like his arm isn’t his own.

In true fashion of the early aughts, and parasocial relationships formed in chat rooms, Stephen meets others with his affliction who truly understand the torment of being saddled with the wrong parts. In his time on the forums, he meets Courtney and falls in love. Love, in Stephen’s case, hurts so good.

This novella has so much packed into a short package. Body dysmorphia and invisible pain that are not understood or truly acknowledged is something that society still battles 23 years after the setting of this tale. The dangers of parasocial relationships, emotional manipulation, and narcissistic abuse, are all relevant topics that were touched on in this gore-tastic tale.

This story was perfect in this short format, but would be fantastic as a full length novel as well. I would love a full novel with an investigation into the events that occurred, Courtney and whatever the heck halothane ended up being.

If you love gore, throwback references (including fight club), and love gone wrong, this is the story for you!

Thank you to the author, Ryan Thomas LaBee, for entrusting me with an ARC.

[Bree · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this novella!

Reading this story, I got a very distinct Stephen King feel with the genre, writing style, and descriptive text. Since I love that about Stephen King's novels, this novella was like reading an old friend. Like Fairy Tale, this author chose to write a first person narrative using an older version of the character looking back in time. I feel like that is a more unique perspective in literature, and for me it really helps get a sense for who the character was and currently is.

I also loved that it is not your typical love story. It's a shock horror love story; two of my favorite genres put together. How could I resist?! I find the psychological aspect of the turmoil of these two love interests fascinating. Both going through some type of imposter syndrome, no one who really understands what it's like, how they develop their identity and relationships while dealing with their inner demons and how the outside world perceives and shapes them.....it's a unique and interesting perspective.

I highly recommend this novella if you are a horror fan.

[Loki Poki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won Killing My Flesh Without You from a goodreads giveaway, I knew nothing going in and didn't know what to expect. I was hooked instantly! The Body horror in this is not only really gross but done well. I love the writing style and the authors descriptions. I honestly couldn't put it down, I finished it in one sitting!

If you are looking for something short, creepy and just gross I would highly recommend this!

[izzysbookshelfie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVEDDDD this short story from start to finish and it left me wanting so much more!!! It’s the perfect release timing for a Valentines horror story! The backstory, great humor and gore of the book are just some of the things that will make me remember this one! I can’t wait to read more from this author in the future! For sure a 5 star for me!

[Charlie Conlon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this story! Reminds me of “The Body Politic” by Clive Barker. Definitely interesting to hear the inner thoughts of someone not comfortable In their own skin.

[Lit.for.Lit · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tragically lovely! A grotesque tale? Yes, but the moments of gore were necessary to emote the characters’ despair and drive the plot forward. This novelette highlights the lengths one will go to for love, loyalty, and self-preservation.

The narration was a key attraction for me told in a very 90s-early 2000s style where an older version of the main character tells the tale. Think Wonder Years or How I Met Your Mother meets Gattaca meets In My Skin, complete with chat forum interactions and police interview transcripts. This narration choice also allowed for a more intense shock value at the end.

This is a must read if you enjoy body horror, mental health in horror, tragic love(an almost Romeo and Juliet type horror romance). Read if you like themes similar to Horns by Joe Hill, Basketful of Heads by Joe Hill, and the short story: I Hear the Clattering of the Keys by Jamie Stewart.

[Kaitlyn McLallen · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Broken things have a peculiar way of attracting other broken things. Like magnets, we are drawn to one another in some search to fill the missing pieces within ourselves.”
Very well written and smooth. Many very gory and grotesque moments BUT, I can’t say that I’ve read anything like this until now.

[Notthatjc · Rating 5 out of 5]

Give three inches and they take a mile....

On the surface a story on a situation closely mirrored in our current society. But deeper it delves in how mental illness can consume and hunger for more after being sated.

[Kayla Burt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh, Stephen.
This horror novella is a quick read if you're in the mood for a bizarre love story that is both touching and deranged. The ending got me -- macabre romanctic gesture at its finest! I laughed. I winced. I wished it were a full-length novel!

[Joi Brethauer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great story! The story moves along quickly and is engaging - - so it’s a quick read! If you like horror and the macabre, you’ll love this!

[Mikey P. Jr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely wish this was longer.

[Simply Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

A macabre delight.

[Burma Turner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, what a twisted story! It was fast-paced and creepy! I liked it a lot!
I won this in a Goodreads giveaway.

[Brett Grossmann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Book made me want to read but couldn’t make me care.

[Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good quick little read.

[Nathan Issiah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This novella is amazing! It incorporates the perfect amount of horror and drama. YOU MUST READ!

[Nessa Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I was devouring this novella, I was telling any one and every one who would listen about it. I will never stop thinking about it and I very much enjoyed the entire disturbing story. It got me out of a reading slump.

[Bailee · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really solid extreme horror!! Very engaging and interesting, I really liked this a lot. My only wish is that it was longer and fleshed out the characters a bit more but it is a novella so I’m not mad.

[Alex Camden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perfectly good length for this lovely, nasty little story. Honestly, there truly seemed to be only 2 instances of true abject body horror, they were visceral enough to be squeamish and more could have been done to really be grotesque. Not saying punches were pulled but it couldve hit much harder if the story wanted to

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a delightfully twisted little tale. Ryan's writing is so descriptive it will pull you in from the start.

[Sophia Charlotte · Rating 2 out of 5]

this book was clearly written for the shock value and not much else. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Here's Johnny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ryan Thomas LaBee has crafted a story of resounding originality and one that practically hums with the life of its own humanity. The main character is one with an affliction that many will have never heard of, but one with which is instantly somehow relatable. And within that affliction lies the groundwork and setting for a series of unspeakably brutal horrors.

This is a story of self-mutilation, of body horror, and of love. It's about the desire we share and the desire we must keep hidden from view, for fear of being labeled a freak. Within this story, many may find an empathic allegory for the plight of the trans experience or even just the non-binary, one that tries to understand this experience from a unique point of view, while asking the reader to empathize on the level of common humanity.

This novella is a quick read, helped along by passages of modernized correspondence between characters that harken back to classics like Dracula and Frankenstein. The characters come to life quickly, and make the events that unfold within the pages all the more unsettling, because these are people you know, people you've met, people you've spoken to either online or in person.

I enjoyed this novella, and if anything, wish that it had been "fleshed out" even more. Highly recommend it.

[Jessica Richardson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an awesome book. It's on a topic that is intriguing and not over done. The real horror of the story is in the disease itself and what people with it go through
on the journey they take to feel whole. The main character meets a girl online that has Body Integrity Identity Dysmorphia like he does. They become close and constantly talk about actually going through with making themselves feel "whole."..but how far will Stephen go for Love? Will he cut off his left arm that he feels is holding him back? Will she do what it takes to become paralyzed from the waist down? You need to read the story to find out! You won't regret it!

[kit · Rating 3 out of 5]

this was a nice quick read. it's well written, read it all in one sitting (this is an accomplishment for me) and the gore is articulate and visceral. i wish it was longer so we could have spent more time with the characters, but i still enjoyed it. short & sweet

[AGirlAmongstBooks (Jess Green) · Rating 2 out of 5]

Before reading this novella, I had no idea that this type of disorder was an actual thing that people felt.

It is a really quick little read and if you like body horror this will definitely be up your alley.

[Noelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This novella was decent but fairly anticlimactic. For a story described as “grotesque and abhorrent,” I found it to be pretty mild. The paperback version I read also included short stories Momma’s Boy and Spoiled.