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250 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2015




What is my true subject? Are we talking authenticity here? My only aim always, from the very start, was to get down in form that formless tension floating in the darkness inside my skull, like the unfading after-image of a lightning flash.
No things in themselves, only their effects! Such was my motto, my manifesto, my—forgive me—my aesthetic… for what else was there to paint but the thing, as it stood before me, stolid, impenetrable, un-get-roundable?
Don’t misunderstand me, my effort wasn’t to reproduce the world, or even to represent it. The pictures I painted were intended as autonomous things, things to match the world’s things, the unmanageable thereness of which had somehow to be managed.
I was striving the make the world into myself and make it over, to make something new of it, something vivid and vital, and essence be hanged.




"...What was the problem?
"...It was this: That, out there, is the world and, in here, is the picture of it, and, between the two, yawns the man-killing crevasse."
"...Hadn't I always painted not the world itself but the world as my mind rendered it?
"...One day I woke up and the world was lost to me..."

What I really wanted to do was to kiss her lips, to lick her eyelids, to dart the tip of my tongue into the pink and secret volutes of her ear. I was in a state of heady amazement, at myself, at Polly, at what we were, at what we had all at once become. It was as if a god had reached down from that sky of stars and scooped us up in his hand and made a little constellation of us on the spot.
What I saw, with jarring clarity, was that there is no such thing as woman. Woman, I realised, is a thing of legend, a phantasm who flies through the world, settling here and there on this or that unsuspecting mortal female, whom she turns, briefly but momentously, into an object of yearning, veneration and terror.
How well I remember her face, which is a foolish claim to make, since any face, especially a child's, is in a gradual but relentless process of change and development, so that what I carry in my memory can be only a version of her, a generalisation of her, that I have fashioned for myself, as an evanescent keepsake.
…But that's not nature, strictly speaking, is it? What, then? It's the all, the omnium, that I'm thinking of; the whole kit and boodle, mice and mountain ranges, and us, wedged in between, the measure of all things, God bless the mark, as they say in these parts.
There's nothing to eat in the house. What am I to do? I could go out into the wood, I suppose, and forage for sweet herbs, or delve for pig nuts, whatever they are.…He's a wizard with words, no mistake. And there are times when he says something that is not merely clever but actually penetrating, as when he describes love as "being let into a place that she had been hitherto alone in." But usually you are just aware of the dexterity of his word-juggling, his fondness for obscure words: "the borborygmic blarings of a three-piece band" for example. And then there are the give-aways: "as they say in these parts" (not for the past 60 years they haven't) or "pig nuts, whatever they are" (if you don't know, why say it?). It gets exhausting very quickly.