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It's Not PMS, It's You - Relationship stories
All right, so here's my entry.Night before our wedding - a very small event with only family and a handful of close friends - my (now) husband went out, already happy on a few drinks from the rehearsal dinner, along with my brother (uh oh) and a few friends, and no best man to watch his back. Said best man was flying in the next day, and brother says, as they take him out - "I'll look after him, don't worry."
Double Uh Oh.
I spent until midnight in quiet conversation with my maid of honor.
Since we were marrying at my parents' place, and bedrooms were scarce, and we were both well into our 30s, we were staying in Mom's guest room. I got in, and my husband to be was asleep flopped across the bed. Very asleep. In a cloud of alcohol fumes. (As in, wonderful Brother had challenged him to a grand total of eight Slippery Nipples (a disgusting mixed drink, don't ask!) chased with beers. More than any man drinks in a month of Sundays...
Since he was still dressed, I realized, OMG, he'd still have his CONTACTS in. And in those days, they had to come out, at risk of damaged eyes (he's an artist by profession, you get my dilemma). No choice about it, I had to suck it up. I got the contacts out - there I am, a lens pinched in each hand, searching in the bathroom for the &%# prescription container to put them in - when OMG, from his sprawl on the guest bed!!!! he starts yoiking up the booze. Bloody H..L!
I tossed the lenses on the sink (left for Hot, right for Cold, yeah, that'll do it) ran into the bedroom - (he was still passed out) - flung open the linen closet - pulled EVERY towel, too late to do a thing but dam the mess from going totally everywhere.
Talk about a geyser...I couldn't wake him, either.
Damage count: the coverlet, the sheets, the mattress pad, two pillows, and every blamed towel my mother owned, totally trashed. All the clothes he was wearing.
I shoved him to the edge of the (now bare) mattress, dangled his head over the side over a bucket (so he wouldn't drown) and stayed up all night doing wash, doing energy work on him, since I was terrified the passed out cuss would stop breathing.
He wakes up next morning - first comment. "OMG, my contacts! I left them in." (I tell him, Saved That) His second comment, "What's this bucket?" (Told him What He'd Been Doing, passed out) Third comment. "Then why do I feel so GOOD?"
My final comment to him: OK, you're scared to tie the knot, and my brother is a pig. Therefore, you're graced. Once. HOWEVER, NEVER TWICE. Do this again and I am GONE. (He never has. The standing joke, now we've been married 20 years, is 'Better - better get a Bucket!"
The only comment I ever got from my Dad, (who woke all his life if so much as a cricket scratches) was "The electric bill was peculiarly high that month." (Yeah!!! You know how long it takes to dry PILLOWS in Florida humidity?)
Once has stayed once. But if I will skewer my brother with the rusty pitchfork in the barn before I ever trust him again!
Janny, you are a very good person. A VERY good person. That's all I can say to that. :)
Are you sure you're not telling my stories. Seriously, I can't remember every one of my stories but this sounds like it could have been one of mine. Kudos to you for laying down the law and marrying him anyway. Guys do weird things when they think they are facing the NOOSE!My husband lost his voice when it came time to recite his wedding vows. Twenty-eight years later I remind him of this periodically.
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that is CRAZY!!! Holy crap. Thank god all is well. Guess you can laugh now, and I have to admit, at least he fessed up!!!!
Judith wrote: My husband lost his voice when it came time to recite his wedding vows. Twenty-eight years later I remind him of this periodically.Judith that must have been more awkward than it should have been!
Lisa wrote: "Judith wrote: My husband lost his voice when it came time to recite his wedding vows. Twenty-eight years later I remind him of this periodically.Judith that must have been more awkward than it..."
Actually, I bent over double laughing and the friend that introduced us chastised me at our reception for laughing in church at an inappropriate time! Can you believe that? That church has some rules I obviously didn't know about.
These stories have all been great! I have one of my own:I'm in the military so I have had to deploy a lot and leave my family back home. Back in 1996 I had to go to Southwest Asia for three months. I have two daughters and they were 6 and 8 months when I left so my husband had his hands full.
My six year old was in kindergarten and she was learning how to write and wrote me letters all the time just telling me about her day. I got a letter one day that she had started before school and then finished up before she went to bed. It went something like this:
Dear Mom,
I just had breakfast. I had Rice Krispies. Now I'm going to school.
I had a good day in school today. We had supper. I had Rice Krispies.
Well when I got that letter I immediately went down to where we could call home and when I got my husband on the phone I started yelling that he had to feed our child more than just Rice Krispies!
He's done a great job over the years though and our kids are now 21 and 15 and healthy and happy!
Beware, this is LONG.I want to write the absolute funniest thing that ever happened to us in our 27 years of marriage before this contest ends. I also want to say foremost that I am not a verbal child abuser. I love my step-daughter as if she was my very own. She and I are very close and she has forgiven me for my big mouth......Onward.
We lived 30 miles outside of Huntsville, Alabama for a while in the middle of our years in Atlanta. We bought a beautiful house with a big front porch on 8 acres of land. We had some romantic illusion of sitting on our front porch drinking mint juleps while watching things grow. Ok, so that's not what happened. First of all we never had a mint julep in that house and we were bored to tears.
One year we went to Acapulco Mexico had a great vacation but we especially enjoyed late night swims in the hotel swimming pool. When we returned home we decided to build a gigantic swimming pool in our back yard with night lights and a gorgeous concrete patio surrounding it. Besides being a party magnet for both of the places that we worked in our 60 mile roundtrip commute we swam at night floating on our backs watching the bats fly from tree to tree and in the daytime laughing at the cows who came up to the fence and mooed at us.
One very hot day I drove the 30 miles home and found my husband sitting at the pool with a cool beer in his hand. We went over to the edge of the pool discussing the cleaning of it which led into an argument about something that I can't even remember. Since I had just come from my job as a hairdresser/stylist and colorist and worked in a very fancy salon I had on very nice clothing. I was standing with my back to the pool (you can see what's coming, can't you)? ......and in the spur of the moment he pushed me into the deep end of the pool, ruining my new watch and my shoes. Down, down, down I went and then I kicked my way back up sputtering more cuss words that I even realized that I knew, just in time to see my husband peeling out, spewing gavel from the tires of his truck. I stomped in the house, mad as a wet hen (pardon the pun) and said to my 11 year old step-daughter "Your dad's crazy, your mom is crazy and I don't think there is a chance that you'll grow up sane." She shrugged her shoulders and continued watching her tv program. After I calmed down I went on to bed very early. He came home later and slept on the couch. He told me the next day when he realized that what he had done he got scared that I was going to murder him on spot so he got out of there before I could get out of the pool. The next day I was kind of chuckling about what had happened so I told him that I sincerely could understand the compulsion to do what he did under the circumstances. I did say, "However, if you ever do that again I will throw your computer in and then drive your stupid old truck into the deep end of the pool where it will stay until you hire someone to pull it out." Life went on as usual but we started making plans to move back to the city. We ended up selling our house 1 week after putting it on the market for the asking price because of the beautiful pool!
On our wedding day I arrived at the venue area and all our guest were there. We waited and waited for my husband -to-be. My friends said he pulled a no-show. I was confident he would show-up. He did finally after 1 hour. He had been out buying shoes and was delayed. (no cell phones then) He still is always late for every thing we go to. but not by an hour . We have been married 37 years.
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Thank you all so much for participating and being a part of the conversation. You helped to take a great little contest and turn it into a wonderful and hilarious, and sometimes scary, discussion!!!!
Feel free to continue discussing....
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"Before I announce the winners of the "It's Not PMS, It's You" contest, I'd like to thank Lori Hettler once again for hosting and for giving me the chance to meet such creative, enthusiastic readers. It was a blast getting to know you all in this short time, and I hope you will continue the party in whatever guise Lori sees fit. I also hope that you read my book and enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
This was a tough decision, because everyone had such great stories to tell. You are all winners in my mind, but here are the five recipients of a copy of my book:
1. Judith
2. Erika (#81)
3. Carol (Kitty)
4. Lisa (comment #117)
5. Brenda (comment #114)
Thanks again for playing with me, and I hope we get to play again soon!"
Mod
Thank you all for participating, and let's keep this thing going! Please remember that those of you who didn't win can still purchase Deb's book It's Not PMS, It's You!!!!!
Thank you Deb and Lori for a fun contest and thank you for the book. I can't wait to read it.
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This is a cute story about my 34 year old son. When he was about three we would go to a middle eastern store in Santa Monica to get groceries, he always could get something but we asked that he be patient. One day as we entered the store he said he wanted some be patient, of course we did not know what that was, so we asked him to show us. He went to the cooler section and pointed to a Sunkist orange soda and said that was be patient.
Will do Lori. I added you as a friend Lori.
I am very proud and thrilled to be one of the winners of Deb's book. I just thought I would share with ya'll (my southern roots are presenting themselves) my reply to Lori and Deb. Thank you all for a great time.Email reply: Lori and Deb, thank you so very much for letting me share some wonderful stories about my husband's and my life together and allowing me to remember all the fun times we have had together while we make new memories every day. I just wish everyone could have as great and fun a marriage as we have! I hope this thread goes on and we can all share stories of our extended families so that we can all have more great laughs together. Please let me know if I can do anything to support this site so that it survives. I have had a great time and am looking to many more great times in all of us entertaining each other.
Lori and Deb, thanks for hosting such a fine contest. Deb, best of wishes for your book!And congrats to the winners - I am still chuckling.
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Absolutely, Lori! Keep the party going, I say! You are all wise and wonderful women, and it was so tough to pick just five people. But please know that you are all winners to me, and I truly hope you enjoy "It's Not PMS, It's You!"
Now that we are continuing the conversations I would like to tell you about the antics of my children who each have four legs. My husband and I have two mini schnauzers , the oldest named Charlie Ruff who we named after my best friends husband who doesn't particularly like dogs. We thought this was a funny thing to do. Charlie will be 16 this December. This is feat in its self because schnauzers life span is 12 to 14 years. He's been a good dog if somewhat stubborn. He had a ruptured cruciate ligament in his knee cap and had a hard time with his recovery after surgery. He learned to walk on three legs for a while which brings me to the clown in the family 8 year Niki, our other schnauzer. Her birth name is La Femme Nikita (named after the highly trained assassin on the tv show in the late 90s) because from the time I adopted her she definitely became the alpha dog destroying every thing that got in her path. Oh, she has her sweet moments too, like when I pick her up and hold her on my shoulder like I'm getting ready to burp her as if she were a baby, she snuggles her nose in the crook of my neck. I fell in love with her when she did this the first time I picked her up when she was 6 weeks old. Niki is an imitator of her older brother Charlie. After his surgery when he went up and down the stairs on three legs, there she came behind him on her three legs lifting the same leg he was lifting. We couldn't believe that she was doing this. I even took her to the vet and they said there was nothing wrong with her. It was when she started lifting her leg like her big bother while squatting to pee that we realize that we had a very unusual dog on our hands. When we take them for a walk she even backs up to a tree and hikes her leg to pee! It's kind of embarrassing to explain what's going on to people that comment "What a cute dog, what's his name?" Now that Charlie is so old, when he goes outside he comes to the bottom of the three stairs that goes into our kitchen and stands there waiting for assistance. Well, guess who also stands looking pitiful with her ears down at the bottom of the stairs. Yep! Niki, our little clown. They both so special and I call them my puppy hearts.
good evening ladies,just in case your other half is exibiting signs of the male version of the topic of this thread, check out my new book, 'beyond the potting shed',available from Authors on Line and Amazon. There are enough hints and tips, as well as lazy ways to do jobs in the garden to scupper most excuses for not getting on with growing your own veggies.
All the best Paul Rix [oldgeezer:]
Congratulations to all the winners, very well deserved. Thanks for all the wonderful stories, it gave me something to look forward to each day after work.
Timothy wrote: "good evening ladies,just in case your other half is exibiting signs of the male version of the topic of this thread, check out my new book, 'beyond the potting shed',availabl..."
Out, damn'd spot....courtesy of Macbeth!!!
Judith wrote: "Timothy wrote: "good evening ladies,just in case your other half is exibiting signs of the male version of the topic of this thread, check out my new book, 'beyond the potting..."
My husband said "That's so funny I think I'll buy you a jock strap!"
Guess that's told me!! at least we had a laugh.All the best Paul Rix [oldgeezer:]
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So.....
Deb has chosen Janny at the final winner.!!! Congrats Janny!
Lori wrote: "Lisa just informed me today that she is living outside the parameters of the shipping restriction for this contest....So.....
Deb has chosen Janny at the final winner.!!! Congrats Janny!"
Congrats Janny! I love your posts.
Whee!!! I can't wait to read the book!Judith - you had me laughing for days, don't stop.
(I had a 3 legged dog story too)
Timothy wrote: "Guess that's told me!! at least we had a laugh.All the best Paul Rix [oldgeezer:]"
For any one who might have thought I had too sharp a retort for Paul Rix (old geezer, his words not mine) I'm happy to say that we have had a jolly conversation through email (my husband approves) and all is good.
Erika wrote: "Congrats Janny! That was really a funny story.Okay, so I had a cute story I was holding out on until the contest ended. A few days ago I was reading a book of creation stories. The cover has a pa..."
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What-sup with the men and God complex Janny? It's ramped don't you think?
Judith wrote: Now that we are continuing the conversations I would like to tell you about the antics of my children who each have four legs. Judith that is just adorable. If we are talking about puppies I have a story I would love to share. This about our last dog Jack. He was a black standard poodle and weighed 40kg (88lbs). He was very boisterous and everyone in our neighbourhood knew him especially after this episode. We live near a beautiful park and every weekend in summer and spring couples go there for their wedding photos. At the time our children were young (10, 8 and 6). The two eldest are girls and they loved dressing Jack up in the dress up clothes. On this day they decided that a pink fluffy tutu was the outfit for Jack. He looked gorgeous. Now Jack was quite naughty if the front door was left open and on this day in his tutu he saw his opportunity. He was out the door in a flash. So the kids and I chased after Jack down our street to the park. It was a busy Saturday at the park and here was our big poodle in his pink tutu running from barbeque to wedding in the park. It was the funniest thing with us running after him. Jack died when he was only 3yrs old but we still have a photo of him on our fridge. This photo was not of the day but you get the idea image http://picasaweb.google.com.au/lgberr...
Lisa wrote: " Judith wrote: Now that we are continuing the conversations I would like to tell you about the antics of my children who each have four legs. Judith that is just adorable. If we are talking a..."
He was adorable. So sad he died at 3 years old. What on earth happened to him? I like that story because I now have a visual of a big black poodle with a pink tutu running through the park trying to get his picture taken. I just told my husband the story and he thought that it was very funny. He was smiling as he was walking out the door to trim the hedge. First time that's ever happened.
Lori said we could continue with funny stories of our family and my dogs and cat are part of our family aren't yours? I liked the picture.
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Speaking of dear pets we had a cat named Elizabeth. A huge calico. When we moved we were worried about her straying, she never went out of the yard. The house we moved to did not have a gate from the front to back yard as yet . When she wanted to go to the front yard she would stand at the back patio and meow to be let in. We let her in and she promptly went straight through to the front door and meowed to be let out front. She did that till the day she died three years later.She was 18 years old when she died.
Carol (Kitty) wrote: "Speaking of dear pets we had a cat named Elizabeth. A huge calico. When we moved we were worried about her straying, she never went out of the yard. The house we moved to did not have a gate from t..."You know my cat Peter Pepper does that same thing. It's so strange. In the winter when there is a lot of snow he goes out the back door and immediately runs back in and wants to go out the front door like he is expecting summer outside. We always get a laugh out of that. Aren't pets a hoot?
They are wonderful. We do not have any pets now. We had a gold fish the kids won at a carnival. That fish lived for two years. It went from two " long to being over 6" long before it died. The trick with gold fish is to have only one and keep it in a 15 gallon tank, and feed it twice a day , only as much as it can eat in one minute.
I can't believe I won. Thank you Deb and Lori.... I have enjoyed reading all the comments and look forward to ones yet to come.
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http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/1...
I would rather we use that one to talk about the animals, and use this one more for our relationship stuff.
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Erika wrote: "I guess I have another husband story from last night. Well, I was upstairs on my computer downloading free kindle books when my husband comes upstairs and asks very sweetly, "aren't you going to co..."Welcome back Erika, I had a sad thing happen yesterday afternoon that turned into a funny thing. My husband is going to Atlanta the 1st of August to see our youngest daughter and our deliciously cute, almost two year old grandson who looks just like the "I poo in blue" commercial, except our grandson has brown hair. Seriously, if you haven't seen this commercial google Huggies diaper jean baby on you tube. It's probably the funniest commercial I have ever seen.
Ok, sorry, I'm getting off track. I had asked my husband many times to go in the spring so that I could go with him because I have a very low tolerance to the excessive heat and humidity. Besides the fact it makes me feel really sick, I turn from a sweet and funny person to a raving crazed, way past PMS, post menopausal women who hates every thing and everybody. I call it my I could eat the a**hole out of a skunk mood. Also hubby informs me that he can't do that because he wants to combine this visit with his 45th high school reunion even though 1/3 of the folks are dead. I said "How depressing, Aren't you scared of that? Why are you going, do you want to see if you're still alive?" Any way I have been a little mean about it and on the way over to have a family dinner for our 16 year old grandson's birthday we had a spat in the car which left me in tears so that I arrived at the small dinner party and stayed in the bathroom for 30 minutes trying to get ahold of myself. How embarrassing!!! Later he walked over and kissed me full on the lips in front of every body. I growled grrrr... Those lips will never touch mine again. He smiled and walked away. It bothered me why I was so upset about his trip. So when I woke up this morning I thought about it and decided my p*ssed offness was because I was really upset because I will miss him too much. I told him this morning and he saw "auuuh, but don't worry you'll have your new iphone to keep you company!" I cooked him a nice breakfast anyway !!!
Erika wrote: "Thanks Judith. I love your story. How funny that he thinks that your iPhone can replace his company!" My husband wanted to read your post and he loved it. So, did I. It reminds me when my 16 old grandson said to me "I have a new game. Wanna play?" I said that I would, so he loads in on the tv where he was the shooter and he was shooting men in allies. He didn't understand when I said, "Grandmu (that used to be my pet name my grandchildren used until they grew up) doesn't use guns and you shouldn't either!" He said that he thought I was being very uncool.
Erika wrote: "That's funny Judith. Apparently we both should start asking more questions before agreeing to do something! Oh I hate those war games and all shooter games in general. I always look forward to him ..."What I left out by accident was my grandson was ten at the time. Now he is sixteen and he has other interests like high techno stuff and learning to drive. He's a keeper.
I finished Deb's book.It's Not PMS, It's You! Totally outrageous funny. It will tweak your funny bone. I posted my review in the what are you reading thread. Probably should have posted it here. I also posted the same review at Amazon and Deb's web site. Check the book out if you like to laugh at ourselves and the other half of our lives.
The Next Best Book Club
Books mentioned in this topic
It's Not PMS, It's You!: A Totally Non-Hormonal Analysis of Male Behavior (other topics)It's Not PMS, It's You!: A Totally Non-Hormonal Analysis of Male Behavior (other topics)
It's Not PMS, It's You!: A Totally Non-Hormonal Analysis of Male Behavior (other topics)
It's Not PMS, It's You!: A Totally Non-Hormonal Analysis of Male Behavior (other topics)
Sorry Lori, (didn't notice your post earlier) - yes, that's a true story and I tell it to my daughter every year at her birthday - she's going to be 23 this year. My husband always finishes the story with "for a doctor on call that obstetrician sure was a nice guy."