Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children With Severe Behaviors, Volume 2

by Heather T. Forbes

We are living in one of the most stressful times in human history. This abundance of stress is impacting families and in many cases, manifesting itself in children with difficult and severe behaviors. Homes often turn into intense fighting grounds of power struggles and control battles parents find themselves in us against them scenarios with their children. Tension continually builds and before long, parents are feeling completely overwhelmed, powerless, and resentful of their children. As parents implement traditional parenting techniques, parenting in a way that most parenting books recommend, they find their situations becoming worse, not better as promised these resources. It doesn t have to be this way! Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, offers families a new view to parenting children with difficult and severe behaviors. As a parent herself who experienced dark days (and years) following the adoption of her two children, she offers a ground-breaking approach to parenting that shows parents a proven way to develop strong and loving relationships with their children. In her new book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and A Love Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors, Volume 2, Heather offers practical and effective solutions based in scientific research, coupled with professional and personal experience. She is a master at bridging the gap between academic research and real life when the rubber hits the road parenting. This book is written in an easy to understand and easy to grasp format for anyone working with or parenting children with difficult or severe behaviors. The first six chapters discuss the principles of her love-based parenting paradigm. A new understanding of why traditional parenting techniques are ineffective with children with difficult behaviors is given, along with clear and concise explanations of the science behind trauma and negative early life experiences. The next seven chapters address specific behaviors, including poor social skills, homework battles, demanding behaviors, self-injury, defensive attitudes, no conscience, and chores. Each chapter gives specific examples of how to implement her parenting principles, empowering parents to make amazing and permanent changes in their homes. All the examples given throughout these chapters are true stories provided by parents who read and implemented her first book, Volume 1. The book ends with a parenting bonus section where more real-life stories from real-life parents with real-life children are given. These examples range in the spectrum of the ages of the children and a variety of behavioral issues. This book offers hope and healing. It goes beyond just changing a child s behaviors but goes to the level of healing for all family members. This book has the power to literally change families for life and to help families find the peace in their homes that they dreamed of from the beginning--and the peace they deserve!

Genres: Parenting, Adoption, Psychology, Nonfiction, Fostering

196 pages, Paperback

First published November 7, 2008

About the author

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, is the owner of the Beyond Consequences Institute. She is an internationally published author on the topics of raising children with difficult and severe behaviors, understanding the parent’s reactivity when challenged in the home, and working with challenging children in the classroom. Forbes lectures, consults, and coaches parents throughout the U.S. and internationally with families in crisis working to create peaceful and loving families. She is passionate about supporting families and professionals by bridging the gap between academic research and "when the rubber hits the road" parenting. Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, developmental delays, and adoption-related issues comes from her direct mothering experience of her two internationally adopted children.

Reviews

[Elizabeth Andrew]

Excellent. This parenting advice is smart, loving, and revolutionary for our household. Forbes's and Post's book should be required reading for adoptive parents.

[Leslie K. Druschel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing

We have been almost any of the families described in this book. (The only situation we've missed is cutting.) On the night before I bought Beyond Consequences, Vol 1, my husband and I agreed we had lost all hope of having a normal life and a normal child. We did not think our 17 year-old daughter could ever support herself, yet the thought of her continuing to live with us was a nightmare. My husband believed that her behaviors would eventually put her in jail. The curious thing was that no one else ever saw a problem in her, leaving us with the guilt that we were doing everything wrong and that her anger was directed specifically at us. We had recently gotten the official diagnosis of RAD which I suspected for a long time, plus I was convinced she also had ODD and ADHD. The disheartening thing was for the therapist to admit this was a very difficult thing to counsel and that we would need a specialist---of which there were none in our area.
I went back to the internet for more RAD information , hoping for answers. It was through that that I discovered Beyond Consequences. I began reading it on my Kindle that very night, stay up quite late. Suddenly there seemed to be hope because it all made sense. I asked my husband who's not usually into psych stuff, to read it. He was blown away, saying that everything sounded like our daughter. We immediately began putting the principles into practice. And just as immediately we saw results. Before the book, we had tried all the "tried and true" consequence-based advice to no avail. Now instead we aim to keep ourselves in check (which is hard for me as I have realized my own anger issues). We respond instead with love and kindness. In turn she regulates and then we can move on. My husband- who hated even being in the same house when she was home--sees hope for our futures.
I truly believe that it was a blessing that there was no "help" in our area because it probably would have been the exact advice that BC explains doesn't work, and could even make the problems worse. We only wish we had found this book years ago, but are thankful that her brain doesn't fully form until age 25. Perhaps the damage can be repaired.
If you're at a loss and have tried all the other "expert advice" without success, you have nothing else to lose than give this paradigm a try.
PS . You MUST read Vol. 1 first. And if you're wondering if Vol 2 just rephrases 1, I assure you that you will find new and even more difficult problems addressed.

[Laura Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

ReMARKable

You MUST read this book to resolve the issues at home that seem unsolvable because you've tried EVERYTHING. Trust me- I know. Reading this book has changed me as a parent and as an educator. This book is written perfectly. Heather compares the traditional approaches (which are easy to connect with) with the new approaches. By this comparison, along with Real Life scenarios (again-relatable), solutions become possible! I've marked up this text and have been shifting to the New approach and I can see/feel the positive revolution of relationship! Sincerely and seriously- this book is a MUST read! My best to you!!

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel very fortunate that my children and I have a strong relationship. Many of the suggestions in this book are things I’ve always done, so it was reaffirming in that regard. I would recommend this book to parents who have differing opinions on raising children. Seeing that the traditional methods are ineffective is the starting point many parents need.

[Rachelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Applicable in every relationship. Every parent could benefit-no matter how old your children are.

[Michelle Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent Read for parents of children from hard places.

[Go2therock · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have to admit, I'm a traditional parent; but I'm also a committed parent, willing to do whatever is necessary to love and affirm my children. I recognize the 'traditional way's that are described at the end of each chapter, demonstrating the approach usually given to children in various challenges. I've lived most of them, to some degree. The 'new way', the approach Heather Forbes is advocating has blended into my parenting of my adopted children over the years as well, although not as strongly as she outlines.

I've been bringing more and more of her ways to the interactions between my youngest and myself. I have been greatly helped by an awareness of the background of trauma, dys-regulation, and low threshold to stress described by Heather. My daughter lives in and acts out of these in her constant, everyday situations. She is oblivious, and approaching this from a point of logic is pointless. She is eighteen years old and believes she is extremely logical (smiley face), so it is to this that she will appeal. Well, THAT hasn't been working! (Ironic laughter!)

I can't completely buy-off on all that Heather advocates - at times it feels 'abusive' to put it plainly. To me, not my child. I don't buy that these children are incapable of manipulation, either. But I'm going farther down this road than I've ever gone before, and it is definitely helping. I've underlined the heck out of my book and will be using it as self-centering guidance and reference from now on.

[Dave Manning · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was better still than the first book. Some great understandings were presented of what actually is effective from a parenting standpoint. It identifies many situations where the child needs to be considered as needing comfort, not just more challenges and negatives from the parental side. It is tough to implement, but keep trying.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book to help us to see the impact we make on the lives of others, especially our children. Children need their parents. They also need the love and affection of their parents. Great book, but learning to apply the principles amy not be as easy as it sounds. We to have buttons and fears from our childhood.

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gave this a reread. Great ideas and examples of parenting in a way that fits my true nature. I'm not about lists and consequences anyways. And it simply does not work with my kids. I've learned to narrow my focus- how are they feeling? What are their needs? My kids and I need to understand and accept each other first! And every chore and task gets done eventually.

[Marti · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting read and food for thought. The author asks the reader to figure out how much they love themselves in order to discipline their children (those with severe behaviors) with a love based approach. Although I found myself struggling to grasp this concept, I am sure it works for some.

[Karla Owen foisy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I felt like this book mostly encourages the parent to forego consequences in exchange for empathy. I feel like we, as parents, can be empathetic AND let our kids know they are responsible for their behavior.

[Ro · Rating 3 out of 5]

a BIG help in dealing with bad behavior

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

easy and great practices to have a house of love...not fear. Hands down the best parenting book and just dealing with people (and ourselves) in general.

[DeAnn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great parenting book, LOVE is always the answer :)

[Melissa Rozeski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five stars for the information, not a page turner, but important for me.