Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice

by James Rapson, Craig English

Seven powerful practices designed to bring about resilient self-esteem, a happier and calmer emotional life, a reality-based optimism for the future, and satisfying relationships. Are you tired of constantly seeking validation from others and feeling overwhelmed by the burden of being the eternal people-pleaser? In this empowering book, you'll discover seven groundbreaking practices that will revolutionize the way you navigate relationships and reclaim control of your life. Drawing on profound insights and real-life examples, Craig English expertly explores the core issues that hold the chronically nice back from living authentically and assertively. Whether you struggle with saying no, fear confrontation, or find yourself drowning in anxiety over others' opinions, this book will guide you on a liberating journey toward self-discovery and inner strength. Embrace your true self, break free from the cycle of anxious pleasing, and cultivate fulfilling relationships that nurture your emotional and mental well-being. If you're ready to make a positive and lasting change in your life, Anxious to Please is your ultimate roadmap to self-fulfillment and genuine happiness.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Personal Development, Personal Growth

240 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2006

Reviews

[ولاء شكري · Rating 2 out of 5]

▪︎الصراع يخيف الشخص اللطيف، ولذلك يجد أنه من المستحيل قول رأيه ببساطة، فيميل إلى زخرفة رسالته بكلمات لطيفة للتخفيف من وطأة رأيه.

▪︎يواجه المحارب في المقام الأول صراعاً داخلياً، فهو يقاوم شياطينه من أجل أن يكون سيد نفسه.

▪︎تتحرك اليد فتتخذ السنه اللهب أشكالاً مختلفة، كل الأشياء تتغير عندما تتغير .

▪︎حتى إذا سقطت سبع مرات، فانهض للمرة الثامنة.

[Ralu · Rating 3 out of 5]

First impression about the narration style was that is purely American, addressed to a certain type of readers, it seemed a bit puerile and meant to convince –like a commercial. Later on I got used to it; I don’t enjoy the undertone of the text. The interest in the book, I thought is fired up artificially in the first chapter – repetitions, marketing expressions, promises of how the reader’s life will change dramatically, etc; going forward with the reading I came to ignore it – I noticed parts of the paragraphs copied or re-written in different chapters (although overall noticed a good use of synonyms). The book is written like a step-by-step manual, full of not very detailed instructions (substance but not enough body)

Information quality – interesting point of view related to the origin of “anxious attachment”, pertinent, I find that it is not exhaustive and I felt in the book a too big stress only on the mother-child relationship. The information is logic, has sense and it was interesting for me, however I find it insufficient for a reader to start practicing on the spot only based on the book. The techniques are more logical for experienced readers. I appreciated the examples given in the book about real life situations that might occur.

Personal feelings related to the lecture: I feel I don’t have enough information about the subject, that I need to read more, I have a larger perspective on the subject (other triggers for this type of behavior). I would have stressed more the idea of getting professional help rather than starting the practices described in the book. I believe that someone starting only with this can be easily lost and confused – the idea of manual is not really supported.

[Andy Hickman · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice” by James Rapson, Craig English.

ANXIOUS TO PLEASE is a very insightful and informative book. Essential for anyone seeking to break life-long patterns of dysfunction.

Intro: An Epidemic of Nice People

Nice people over-function, over-adapt, over-apologize. They navigate their world by accommodating and acquiescing – by trying to please. When things aren't working, they try harder – and most of the time, they're trying harder to be nice. (p3)

Nice People are nice whether it's called for or not. They can't help themselves. (p3)

Nice People Traits (includes):
Don't have good judgment about when to disclose thoughts or emotions, and to whom.

Emotional Baseline of nice People (includes):
Crave recognition and affirmation of their goodness
Idealize others (p4)
Feel contempt for their own Nice Person traits and hate their need for love, affection, reassurance, and sex. (p5)

“The world is happy to have people who over function.” (p6)

“Then there are the people who have close relationships with a Nice Person. Spouses, lovers, friends, and siblings are in complex and typically confusing position. They don't understand why they don't trust someone who is so nice, why they get so made at someone who is so helpful. The relationship suffers, and they don't really know why.” (p6)

“.. the Transforming Person is on the path from chronic niceness to a life of strength, kindness, and extraordinary passion.” (p7)
Resilient self-esteem.

Chapter 1
Nice People .. foundational loss, going back to the earliest days of childhood. From this loss springs the anxiety and fear that drive the Nice Person's behavior.
The loss that we are talking about is the lack of reliable, consistent, and attuned love from the mother. This loss prevents the formation of secure attachment.
Secure attachment blooms into self-assuredness. (p12)

Secure attachment is the emotional foundation for a calm and confident psyche. (p13)

AVOIDANT AND DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT.
Disorganized attachment forms when the child is regularly overwhelmed and terrified by the parent. These children face an intense internal paradox: their instinct is to seek soothing from the very parent who is terrifying them. Desperate to maintain a bond with that parent, they fragment internally, repressing their overwhelming rage and fear. When they become adults, these raw emotions will randomly reappear, causing great disruption in their relationships.

IN BETWEEN WE FIND THE NICE PERSON
In between secure and avoidant/disorganized attachment we find the Nice Person, children stuck in a state of perpetual yearning, never getting enough of their parents' nurture to be satisfied ... anxious attachment. (p14)

The anxious boy or girl becomes a Nice Person. (p16)

NICE PEOPLE ARE ANXIOUS PEOPLE

Nice People may not always look anxious, but they always are. The ability to manage this anxiety varies from one person to the next, and the oscillation of conditions in a person's life will trigger ebbs and flows in anxiety level. Nevertheless, Nice People are anxious people, and whether or not they are conscious of it, this anxiety rules their life.

The Nice Person's relationship with anxiety ranges from a vague uneasiness to a pervasive panic that requires medical attention. Like the desperate, trapped coyote wiling to chew off his own leg, the Nice Person will do almost anything to avoid, soften, or extinguish these feelings of anxiety.
Nice people often attribute their anxiety to a seemingly endless stream of circumstances.
It is a cornerstone of the Nice Person's transformation to begin to recognize that the pain originates from inside, not outside. Transforming People must come to accept there really is something wrong, something that doesn't work, and something that alienates them from themselves.” (p17)

For the Nice Person, the anxious state is overflowing with fretful thoughts that lead them nowhere. For the nice Person to honestly look behind the curtain of the psyche, she or he will have to develop the capacity to tolerate intense feelings.

Nice people are anxious people. (p17)

For the Nice Person to honestly look behind the curtain of the psyche, she or he will have to develop the capacity to tolerate intense feelings. (p18)

The anxiously attached child believes that mother's love is a fragile thing that perpetually hangs in the balance. (p18)

Anxiously attached children are hypersensitive to rejection and are desperate for morsels of kindness. (p19)

These attributes in himself that he comes to detest, as they are (he believes) what prevents him from being loved and cared for. In the years to come, he will feel shame at any hint of their appearance in him.. (p19)

The social awkwardness of this period tends to inflame his overactive sense of shame, and he is prone to problems with depression and low self-esteem. (p20)

The original hope that Charlie could be nice enough to make his mommy love him is seamlessly transformed into the aspiration that he will find his deliverance in the arms of a lover. (p20)

Anxiously attached children are often struggling more than anyone realizes. (p22)

Deep down, they suffer from a secret, unshakable conviction that there is something wrong with them, something shameful. They seek to create a face to present to the world that they imagine will be more acceptable. For many men and women, this becomes the Nice Person persona. (p22)



The more anxious Nice People feel, the less they can see the real man or woman standing in front of them. (p25)

Anxiety robs Nice People of their internal resilience – their “emotional immune system” - which would otherwise protect them from the commonplace difficulties of the outside world. Because they have never been able to find a way to feel secure enough, they do not mount a sufficient defense when their well-being is threatened. (p25)

Recognition of the problem is the indispensable key to unlocking the true character that is trapped within. (p26)

Ch.2 - A Natural History of the Nice Person

Two touchstones for creating anxious attachment:
Mothers who are under-supported
Fathers who are absent. (p28)

It takes a very well-balanced man to leave his workplace at the door and merge into the world of his children. (p31)

A boy cannot learn masculinity from his mother. (p37)

The demonizing of the male is a particularly harmful stereotype perpetuated by our culture. (p37)

Men need meaningful work.

Some Nice Guys put on a hard-hearted bastard “disguise”... (p39)

Ch.3 – Pedestals, Altars, and Gilded Cages.

Compliments from a Nice Person can feel like applause from a drunken audience. (p46)

Nice People have a diminished capacity to treat themselves as worthy of being cherished. (p49)

Section Two: The 7 Practices.
Ch.4 – Awareness Practice.
Awareness is the practice of bringing sustained attention to thought, emotion, body, and behavior. (p57)

Anxiety is experienced as an emotional state, and it can be easy to miss the fact that it is very much a biochemical phenomenon in the body. Many Nice People began absorbing anxiety with their mother's milk and, in some cases, with their food through the umbilicus. (p60)

Once they pin down the feeling or body awareness, they can set up a kind of alarm system in their head. “I'm feeling anxious, gotta watch out for the Nice Guy / Nice Girl thoughts!” or “Oh man, my stomach is tense, I wonder if I'm doing Nice Girl / Nice Guy stuff.” (p62-63)

Attending to Words - Words are excellent indicators of thoughts. “I'm sorry,” often becomes a Nice Person mantra. It appears to be such an innocent phrase, but often Nice People are not offering a sincere apology; they are apologizing because they feel threatened by the emotional state of the other person. The unbearable feeling inside them comes from their fear of conflict, which might endanger their relationship. When a Nice Person says, “I'm sorry,” they often mean “Please feel better so that I can feel better.” (p63)

Why Nice People Hate Their Niceness:
It causes them to feel:
Taken advantage of
Looked down on
Weak
Vulnerable
It causes damage to:
Relationships of all kids
Bodies
Careers
Spiritual growth (p64)

Nonjudgmental awareness is at the heart of a Transforming Person! (p65)

Trying to crush your own thoughts or emotions is the same as trying to crush yourself.
We may pretend we don't have anger, but later we will lash out in a passive-aggressive act. We may close our fist on an emotion, but later we may find that it has burrowed into our skin and festered. (p66)

GRACE
Grace is an essential component of nonjudgmental awareness.
Developing patience for watching repetitive thoughts or harmful behavior
Forgiving yourself for making mistakes
Forgiving the child you were
Learning to pat yourself on the back for having the courage to look at difficult or frightening emotions, thoughts, or behavior.
Having a sense of humor (perhaps the most important grace).

It is a startling irony that our darkness (our negative thoughts and feelings) is the portal to change. So when the Nice Person behavior seems most acute or stubborn or painful, it is often a sign that deep down, change is happening. Remember that we are doing difficult work – work which most people are afraid to attempt. We are Transforming People, not transformed people. We are worthy of compassion. We are worthy of a good laugh. We are worthy of grace. (p70)

Self-Indulgence
For the Nice Person, compassion can be a walk on the razor's edge. On the one side of the razor is self-flagellation (judging, demeaning, and dismissing the self), and on the other side is self-indulgence. (p70)

The Cycle of Awareness:
Greater awareness
Personal Growth
Increased Capacity to Tolerate Fear
More Compassion for Self
Less Resistance to Hard Truth, and back to
Greater Awareness. (p71)
…

Increase capacity for tolerating fear by repeatedly looking it squarely the face and discovering that you are still okay. (p72)

Awareness requires vigilance.

Compassion for Self
It is worth emphasizing the indispensability of grace. Nice People will face their anxiety again and again. Just when they think they've got it licked they will pull the same Nice Person stunt and then have to battle adding insult to injury trough self-recrimination and guilt. These corrosive patterns are tenacious, so it is essential that the Transforming Person develop persistence in their own compassion. The fellowship of loving friends will become invaluable in supporting this vigilant compassion.
Hat the Nice Person needs to understand is that they have a lifetime pattern of minimizing their 'niceness', of brushing it off, and protesting to themselves that it really shouldn't be such a big deal. But their anxiety was imprinted in their hearts at a time when getting mommy's love was a matter of life and death. It is a big deal.

Remember:
You are doing difficult work
Give yourself comfort and encouragement
Bravery is choosing to get back up and try again. (p75)

Packing for the Desert
Nice People deeply long for serenity. To find it they must work with their anxiety. They wish for light and must seek it in their darkness. They thirst for clean, cool water and must seek it I the desert. Such riddles are frustrating and difficult to understand until they are experienced.
Desert Practice. Pack lightly, Yourself, your awareness, and your compassion are all that will be required. (p75)

Ch.5 – DESERT PRACTICE



Desert Practice is the conscious act of withdrawing from distracting and numbing elements for the purpose of more directly experiencing oneself. (p78)

Habit: Solitude
The choice of taking time alone has been a feature of many spiritual and healing practices, and it has particular significance for Transforming People. (p81)

Habit: Fashioning Your Own Life
If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing poorly. (p83)

Each Nice Person has his or her own strengths and weakness, of course, and some do have a clear idea of how they prefer things to look and feel. Even so, it is common (especially among Nice Guys) to feel completely at sea when it comes to decorating or shopping for clothes. For these Nice People, torture is having the job of outfitting the new apartment. (p84)

Ch.6 – WARRIOR PRACTICE

A personal ethic: values formed from conscious reflection
A growing ability to tolerate intense emotion without reflexive action
A practice of taking action which follows both heart and ethic. (p92)

Warrior Skills:
Skillful aggression
Setting strong and flexible boundaries
Exercising restraint
strengthening the body
Practicing emotionally open and assured sexuality
facing conflict with confidence
Embracing power (p99)

Strengthening the Body:
Years of being anxiously attached take a toll on a Nice Person's body. Anxiety plays a key role in major diseases, as well as chronic pain such as stomach upset, sleep disorders, obesity, and fatigue. And there are a host of lesser ailments – muscular pain, irregular bowel movements, rashes, teeth grinding, sexual dysfunction or disinterest, etc. that Nice People simply live with an ignore as best they can. (p103)

Practicing emotionally open and assured sexuality:
Self-knowledge and confidence make for good sex, while elf-doubt and anxiety do not. (p104)

With Warrior Practice there will be mistakes, false starts, and setbacks. But eventually the skills become second nature, the practice of them pleasurable, and the warrior emerges. (p109)

Ch.7 – BROTHERHOOD & SISTERHOOD PRACTICE
Nice People have a habit of being submissive in relationships in order to ensure that they will be like or at least not left. This 'niceness' ultimately undermines Brotherhood and Sisterhood relationships, which rely on a mutual strength. (p124)

Lead without domination, follow without submission. (p125)

When we can have a sense of humor about our weaknesses, our stubbornness, and our anxiety, then change and healing are immanent.
- - -
- - -

Further quotes from “Anxious to Please”:

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, I'll try again tomorrow."
— Mary Anne Radmacher



"I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my father's posture, my father's walk, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my father." — Jules Feiffer



"If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." — Alan Simpson



"…and down they forgot as up they grew." — E.E. Cummings



"Every human being's essential nature is perfect and faultless, but after years of immersion in the world we easily forget our roots and take on a counterfeit nature." — Lao Tzu



"Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety." — James Baldwin



"This work is about transformation—from the person we are to the person we really are. In the end, we can't be anyone else."
— Marion Rosen



"You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering." — Henri Frederic Amiel



"We had fed the heart on fantasies,
The heart's grown brutal from the fare."
                           — William Butler Yeats



"I know a lot of women suffer, but I don't think it's as much publicized that a lot of men are living lives of quiet desperation, lobotomized of their libido, anesthetizing themselves with sports and pornography, living in some Orwellian world where they have to pretend to agree with the woman's point of view." — Bill Mahar



"Because the more I explored the predicament of postwar men, the more familiar it seemed to me. The more I consider what men have lost—a useful role in public life, a way of earning a decent and reliable living, appreciation in the home, respectful treatment in the culture—the more it seems that men of the late twentieth century are falling into a status oddly similar to that of women at mid-century. The fifties housewife, stripped of her connections to a wider world and invited to fill the void with shopping and the ornamental display of her ultra-femininity, could be said to have morphed into the nineties man, stripped of his connections to a wider world and invited to fill the void with consumption and a gym-bred display of his ultra-masculinity."
— Susan Faludi

[Elly Call · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF, I couldn’t get past the sexism and implicit homophobia of saying that people without father figures in their lives just can’t ever be assertive. In what world? I thought this would be more general than ‘assertiveness for women’ but so far assertiveness for women actually has attachment theory and a paradoxically way more inclusive, intersectional approach.

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t know if this book was incredibly ahead of its time for 2006 or standard for the psychology field at that time, but I’m impressed regardless. Some of the information was review, some of it was "someone put it into words!", and some of it was unrealized truth that punched me in the gut.

[Cyndi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was difficult to get through because it covered basics that I've read about in much greater technical detail before. Having said that, it is a good book, with helpful insights and suggestions.

[Anzhela · Rating 5 out of 5]

После прочтения этой книги появилось ощущение будто побывала на длительном сеансе у психолога. Очень советую!

[Max Cherepitsa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Толковей по этой теме книжка «Хватит быть славным парнем». Здесь как-то маловато практики, часто скачет мысль, полкнижки анонсируют, как вот-вот-мы-вам-кой-чо-расскажем, а потом не особенно рассказывают.

[Leanna Henderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am so glad I came across this little book while Christmas shopping at Barnes & Nobles. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things in my life. It was “spot on.” I am definitely a “Nice Person,” i.e. too nice. I am constantly sacrificing my own needs and wants to please others, then complimenting myself in my head for my martyrdom. Heck, I even get bossed around by myself! I never realized how this behavior has affected every single area of my life. In fact, I think it’s been encouraged by society, my family and even some aspects of my faith (perhaps a poor interpretation).

I never had a NAME for it before, which I think will really help. Now I have a journal called “Nice Girl Behaviors.” Every time I do something like this, I’m writing it down, pondering it, evaluating it, trying to come up with a better solution. It’s a start, and I love that that’s all the authors ask you to do at first.

Highly recommend this book for anyone who sees themselves as too nice or feels like the “sacrificial lamb” all the time. Also good for their loved ones, especially romantic partners.

[Galina V · Rating 2 out of 5]

Книга затянута, кажется приводятся интересные кейсы, но все же полезного не так много - особенно в разборе ситуаций. Слишком много примеров и обсуждений о том как работать паре. Не хватает главы о том, что делать если друг или партнер является таким славным парнем.

Выдержки:

Привычка судить себя обычно сидит глубоко, возникает бессознательно – и причиняет нам вред сразу несколькими способами. Рассматривая какую-то мысль или чувство, мы постараемся спугнуть ее, чтобы проще было сделать вид, что ничего такого не было, либо поместить ее в область, запретную для суждений. Или же будем винить себя за то, что вообще могли такое подумать или почувствовать. Но запертые или отогнанные мысли и чувства все равно вернутся.


Беспристрастная осознанность – это суть трансформирующейся личности.
Мы не только наказываем себя, но и усиливаем неприемлемые для нас мысли и чувства. Лишь только принимая и внимательно их рассматривая, мы сможем обнаружить их причину, а значит – сумеем изменить.


Со временем, когда мы научимся обращать внимание на самоосуждение, оно станет пропадать. Но навык «не судить» требует особенной осторожности. Когда возникнет мысль или чувство – будь они злыми или пошлыми – надо осторожно стряхнуть их перышком осознанности. Просто отметьте эту мысль или чувство, словно говоря: «О, сейчас я сержусь» или «Вот как? Меня это раздражает». В этом нет осуждения, это просто внимание.
Представьте, что ваше внимание – это рука, в которой вы держите свои мысли и эмоции. Когда появляется мысль, которая вам не нравится, вам хочется сжать руку в кулак и раздавить ее. Но это не поможет. Когда вы разожмете кулак, мысль не пропадет, она просто изменит форму.
Пытаться давить свои мысли и эмоции – то же самое, что подавлять себя. Эта микроскопическая попытка духовного самоубийства – знак, который мы посылаем себе, знак о том, что мы плохие и недостойны любви. Если вам кажется, что эмоция пропала, это иллюзия – она лишь спряталась, притворившись чем-то другим.
_______________


Милосердие может проявляться по-разному:
• развитие терпения для наблюдения за повторяющимися мыслями и пагубным поведением;
• готовность прощать себе ошибки;
• готовность простить ребенка, которым вы когда-то были;
• умение хвалить себя за смелость замечать сложные или пугающие чувства, мысли и поступки;
_____________


Купить еще одни туфли? И т. д.). Ни одна из этих поблажек не плоха сама по себе, все дело в мотивации. Славные люди обычно делают себе поблажку, чтобы забыть о тревожности. Это все равно что наливать виски в детскую бутылочку, чтобы ребенок перестал плакать.
Противоядием этому будет позиция зрелого и сильного воина,
______________


Славные люди должны понимать, что они делают важную и сложную работу. Они – современные герои-рыцари, а скользкая, противная тревожность родом из их детства – это дракон. И им надо не столько убить этого дракона, сколько состраданием превратить его во что-то лучшее.
Помните:
• Вы делаете сложное дело.
• Берегите и подбадривайте себя.
• Смелые встают и снова бросаются в бой.
______________

Встреча с самим собой состоится, только если вы готовы себе сочувствовать. Сложность в том, ��тобы научиться любить себя так, как заботливый родитель любит своего ребенка: безусловно, вне зависимости от того, что вы обнаружите, и настолько сильно, насколько вы только способны.

____________

Когда вы научитесь постоянно заботиться о себе, потеря равновесия больше не будет казаться нормальной, как это было раньше. Вы привыкнете к постоянному ощущению спокойного здоровья в своем теле, разуме и душе.
______________

Три измерения воина
1. Личная этика: сознательно сформированные ценности.
2. Постоянно растущее умение сдерживать сил��ные эмоции без рефлекторных действий.
3. Осознанный выбор действий, следующих зову сердца и этике.

1. Личная этика
«Во что я верю? Каковы мои ценности? Как мне следует жить?» Этих трех вопросов славные люди избегают, если ответы противоречат их привычке подстраиваться под нужды окружающих.

—————
Когда славным людям приходится принимать решение, им бывает непросто действовать настойчиво. Они поступают либо эмоционально (под действием страха, злости или потребности в поддержке), либо руководствуясь общепринятой этикой – ценностями религии, интересами конкретной группы людей, учителя или общества в целом.

__Самозащита у славных людей срабатывает очень оперативно, особенно когда им предъявляют обвинения в том, что они поступили необдуманно или плохо. Для них это равносильно посягательству на самую их суть (то есть славность), на то, что делает их любимыми, на те качества, которые они развивали в раннем детстве, чтобы выжить.
_______

Нечто подобное нам нужно устроить у себя внутри: достаточно места для эмоций, чтобы они могли двигаться куда хотят, но при этом – прочная ограда, чтобы эмоции не покинули нас и не причинили никому вреда.

_______

Навыки воина
• Умелое обращение с агрессией.
• Установка прочных и гибких границ.
• Тренировка сдержанности.
• Укрепление тела.
• Обучение эмоционально открытой и уверенной сексуальности.
• Уверенное поведение в конфликконфликтах.
• Принятие силы.

_______

Интроверту может не хватить сдержанности, когда речь идет о том, чтобы приспособиться к требованиям другого человека, а экстраверту порой тяжело удержаться от лишних разговоров, чтобы заполнить молчание или не выболтать свои секреты. В обоих случаях винить стоит тревожность.
________

Ему больше не придется чувствовать смутную вину за то, что он не делает Челси счастливой, потому что теперь она стала достаточно самостоятельной.

[Mrs Crossley · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was quite difficult to get through because it covered the basics that weren't very interesting to me specifically. I was hoping for a more in depth and enlightening read, but unfortunately It felt like I was trudging through the chapters and topics. Overall, it is a good book with some helpful insights, but I wouldn't recommend it to others.

[Mohim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Essentialism and poxuizm are on the trend. And if you have a partner - be on one leg, develop together.

[Arika Escalona · Rating 5 out of 5]

The topic isn't for everyone, but for those who fit the bill, this is really excellent.

[teacupsandunicorns · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was all right. Definitely got some insight and made bookmarks to reread later and think about.

However in some spots it was reductive and didn’t explain enough for some examples on how to do things and why they worked.

Also sometimes it came off as condescending. Making up names for things like Warrior Practice made me roll my eyes every time I saw it. And Desert practice and such. I kept having to remember the names of things that already had names or did not requires names. In this way, I found it condescending and inauthentic, like it was trying to be cutesy and cool and encouraging—you’re a warrior!!! No I’m not. Yes it’s an internal world in my mind and heart but come on. To me, warrior practice is insulting to me. I called it something in else in my head, like perseverance or resilience.

These names made it sound gimmicky and like he was trying to sell something. Maybe he wanted this book to open up more products to sell—that’s what this felt like with these silly names. Like he probably also wants to sell other books or a coaching service or a class/course for people to buy.

Overall this was insightful and helpful. However there was a lot of repetition and some things were overexplained while some things were not explained enough.

Overall I recommend it, but be aware of its shortcomings. It’s not the “everything” book manual it claims to be. But there are still some good takeaways.

[Natalia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the in depth explanation of childhood experiences that lead to anxious attachment. Starting off, this book was quite cringey as it felt like a mirror was being held up to my face in the worst possible way. But after a while I felt like the tips gave me some hope, and I was pleasantly surprised that I'd already started practicing some of the recommended skills. The book did, however, feel like it was written by older...more "traditional" men, and the book is geared towards cisgender people in heterosexual relationships...I am critical of the focus on "same-sex brotherhood/sisterhood", but again, this book does represent a bit of interpersonal traditionalism. There were also some statements that focused on cognitive gender differences that I found to be outdated (I'd say neuroscience agrees), but looking past those critiques, I have found this book to be quite helpful for working on being less "chronically nice".

[Octa · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first part is a good introduction into attachment theory. If you can't understand why you seem to cling to lovers, unable to stand up for what you want and end up famished in a relationship where you give up so much, it helps understand where that comes from.

The second part is about the 7 practices to start healing and that is an absolute must-read. No matter what your issues are, some of those practices will help. It's very hands on and practical, goes over "how to", difficulties etc. Awareness (how to stay with what you feel), Desert (how not to binge-watch series to avoid feeling), Brother/Sisterhood (how to create a circle of friends that can tell you when your shit stinks, etc).

The last part is about the transforming relationship, so working with your partner and I felt it was the weakest of the three.

[Ang · Rating 5 out of 5]

Мне понравилась книга! Очень интересные мысли, некоторые уже знакомы, но есть и совсем новые для меня. Понравились практики и особенно взгляд авторов на отношения и конфликты в паре.
Единственное, что не понравилось – перевод. Знаю, что сложно подобрать аналоги в русском, но слова «славный», «братья и сёстры» мне были совсем не близки, а по началу и вовсе непонятны :) К этому привыкаешь, но всё же.
Главное, что книга заставляет взглянуть новым взглядом на людей вокруг, понять их мотивы и взгрустнуть, что близкие не хотят меняться, хотя они и явно «славные». Заставить человека меняться невозможно, но я теперь хотя бы обладаю знаниями о таком состоянии личности, спасибо!

[Wivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is quite comprehensive to elucidate one type of attachment style. 'People pleaser' type of person like ENFP should read this. It makes you see through the holistic point of view (parent, environmental, society idealism, family structure, etc) with very specific cause-effect actions (it is what I like the most). It also gives different standpoints for different gender. Sometimes the author is too bold when bringing out several aspects (like "hmm I think it's not absolute") but it's okay as I can get his point for highlighting the issues. Indeed, they often exist in our society, a conflicting one 🐅.

*the vocabulary is impressive since using a very wide range of it 🐈

[CHORNOBROVA KAROOKA · Rating 2 out of 5]

4/10

Початок був непоганий - розповідалось про види прив'язаності, з плавним переходом до більш детального розгляду тривожної прив'язаності. Але з кожною наступною сторінкою ставало все більше води і все менше сенсу.
Крім того, самі техніки настільки розмиті, що навіть прочитавши все по два-три рази, все ж складно сказати, що саме потрібно зробити і куди це повинно нас привести.
Останню третину книги просто прогорнула, бо написано було зовсім ні про що - просто шкода витрачати час на таке чтиво.

[Alex Tsymbalyuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Шкода, що немає перекладу українською. Книга розповідає чому хороші люди такі і хороші і, часто, такі не щасливі. Чому хорошість часто руйнує стосунки і одночасно автори вказують напрямок для трансформації особистої або зі своєю парою.
Хороші люди приділяють стільки уваги чого хочуть інші, що часто не знають чого хочуть самі. Секрет трансформації описаний в семи кроках в книзі: практика усвідомлення, практика усамітнення, практика воїна, практика братства, практика позбавлення від ілюзій, практика цілісності.
Але найголовніше це враховувати свої інтереси в першу чергу.

[Stasya Poltavets · Rating 5 out of 5]

Якщо хочете ��очати працювати над своєю особистістю та не знаєте з чого почати - ця книга має бути прочитаною першою. Вона краще дозволяє зрозуміти себе, зрозуміти, чого вам не вистачає.

А якщо ви вже працюєте над собою і вагається ся чи варто її читати - варто. Я зрозуміла на якому етапі трансформації я знаходжуся, який шлях я пройшла та над чим ще треба попрацювати.

[Morganta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Книга для здоровых людей с проблемами. Две трети — неплохой набор кптшных техник, достаточно просто написанный и щедро сдобленный абстрактными размышлениями, чтобы быть полезным даже самому широкому кругу людей, последняя треть посвящена отношениям. Большая часть примеров вымышленна, из-за чего они не несут никакой пользы.

[Steve Payeur · Rating 4 out of 5]

Psychology applicable to stances resulting from a range of origins. Tells a lot about the causes, characteristics, and ways to...fix...an unhealthy way of relating to people. I'd recommend it. It definitely applies to me right now.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Struck a chord in the first chapters when describing how someone's upbringing turns them into a 'too nice' person and how it subsequently affects their life and relationships, but became annoyingly self-helpish very soon, with vague recommendations not backed by any science. Scrolled through.

[Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s rare for me to enjoy self-help, as it is usually the same idea that is repeated for 300-400 pages. But this book hit the target - I was really intrigued, and every chapter had useful tips in it. I think I will definitely go back to some parts of it.

[Вадим · Rating 3 out of 5]

Пролистать и забыть...

[Katie Archer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book, very insightful and full of wisdom. Contains a brilliant section on romantic relationships and communication. Found it really helpful in understanding myself and others.

[KAS · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Brittany Kruchan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read. Very eye opening if you are an anxious person always eager to please.

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

Educational. I found the information at the beginning more relevant than the stuff towards the end. Not life changing, but helpful as confirmation, and for improving my vocabulary on this topic.