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Anger: How to Live with and Without It
How to book to help with anger issues.
300 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1977
76 people are currently reading
226 people want to read
About the author
Albert Ellis
251 books444 followersAlbert Ellis was an American psychologist who in 1955 developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). He held M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from Columbia University and American Board of Professional Psychology (ABPP). He also founded and was the President of the New York City-based Albert Ellis Institute for decades.
He is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. Based on a 1982 professional survey of USA and Canadian psychologists, he was considered as the second most influential psychotherapist in history (Carl Rogers ranked first in the survey; Sigmund Freud was ranked third).
He is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. Based on a 1982 professional survey of USA and Canadian psychologists, he was considered as the second most influential psychotherapist in history (Carl Rogers ranked first in the survey; Sigmund Freud was ranked third).
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
October 9, 2022
Good book on managing stressful situations that give birth to anger through author’s own method REBT — Ration Emotive Behavior Therapy, that can be dissected in the following steps:
A — activating event / adversities / situations
B — beliefs
IB — irrational beliefs
RB — rational beliefs
C — consequences = anger
HC — healthy consequences = simple negative feeling
D — disputing / debating the IBs
E — effective new philosophy
BE — behavioral effect
Easy to read, easy to implement. My 30 days trial starts now!
A — activating event / adversities / situations
B — beliefs
IB — irrational beliefs
RB — rational beliefs
C — consequences = anger
HC — healthy consequences = simple negative feeling
D — disputing / debating the IBs
E — effective new philosophy
BE — behavioral effect
Easy to read, easy to implement. My 30 days trial starts now!
September 24, 2009
I learned how to get passed being angry by not becoming a victim or having a desire to retaliate.
August 29, 2021
My feelings about it are tepid, considering that I finished this book just as I was getting into the book Crucial Conversations. That second book was so good, that it negatively impacted my feelings about this one. The problem with this one is that the method is really aimed at the clinical setting. If a psychiatrist asked you these questions, and made you self-reflect after each incident of anger, you might improve eventually. But no living human being could possibly remember all of these questions in the moment of dealing with high emotions. This is just far too analytical to be useful in the real world, though thinking about these things during the cooler hours may be beneficial. It probably deserves more stars, particularly given that Albert Ellis was among those pioneers who finally brought psychological theory out of the dark ages of Freudian steam engine theory of anger management.
August 20, 2012
The book is the only "must" for people dealing with anger which can help:) a very detailed REBT book on anger which works in any context
January 29, 2023
I've been searching for a perfect book for the anger a very long time and I've finally found it!
January 23, 2022
I read this as part of my own knowledge and skill development. I am trying to set myself up as the ‘go to’ person in managing anger around Townsville. I am already certified in RMBT and familiar with the work of Albert Ellis, so had a fair knowledge of his thoughts prior to reading..
I found this reinforced existing knowledge around RMBT. “As we keep emphasizing in REBT, Activating Experiences, at point A, do not make you feel Emotional Consequences, at C. Your beliefs or interpretations about those experiences do” (p 136). At the base of RMBT is constructing different meanings to events in your life. For example by rote when someone does something stupid around me whilst driving. I literally say “Wow – they must be racing home to get to their sick mother” and prevent this from becoming an activating event. RMBT is useful for this kind of activating event. More often is the case it is I doing something stupid. I find RMBT is less useful when someone may be behaving in a repeated and malevolent manner towards you.
At the basis of RMBT is a presumption that we are all rationale. I am not so sure about this. I co-read this with The Karamazov Brothers by Fyodor Dostoevsky, in this the hallucinating, but rationale believing, Ivan speaks to the Devil and has his faith in his own rationality shaken. More about that in that coming review, but the point is like CBT, RMBT is scaffolded a faith in human rationality. I have no more faith in this, than I do in God. In dealing with more malevolent actors “The trick is to forgive everything, and forget nothing” (p 192). A cold anger towards malevolent actors serves one well, and may be the evolutionary purpose of anger.
The most useful part of the book is something Rick Littlewoood taught me years ago. I was not quick witted as a young man. He took pity on me and said when another insults you, agree with them and add a but ‘that may be so, but’. It has served me well. Ellis wrote “Your best retort frequently consists of seeming to agree with the put down; ignoring it; agreeing with it in part; or showing the other person that you do not take it too seriously, do not agree with it” p 189). This had echos of Sensei Rick.
This was first published in 1977, but updated after 2001. It was written in an age where the writers hypothesis was good enough to publish a book. It was of its time and likely to be forgotten. Neuroscience has taught us a lot more about the mechanics of anger and how to interrupt it when it is not useful to us. This is not a classic and has not stood the test of time.
I found this reinforced existing knowledge around RMBT. “As we keep emphasizing in REBT, Activating Experiences, at point A, do not make you feel Emotional Consequences, at C. Your beliefs or interpretations about those experiences do” (p 136). At the base of RMBT is constructing different meanings to events in your life. For example by rote when someone does something stupid around me whilst driving. I literally say “Wow – they must be racing home to get to their sick mother” and prevent this from becoming an activating event. RMBT is useful for this kind of activating event. More often is the case it is I doing something stupid. I find RMBT is less useful when someone may be behaving in a repeated and malevolent manner towards you.
At the basis of RMBT is a presumption that we are all rationale. I am not so sure about this. I co-read this with The Karamazov Brothers by Fyodor Dostoevsky, in this the hallucinating, but rationale believing, Ivan speaks to the Devil and has his faith in his own rationality shaken. More about that in that coming review, but the point is like CBT, RMBT is scaffolded a faith in human rationality. I have no more faith in this, than I do in God. In dealing with more malevolent actors “The trick is to forgive everything, and forget nothing” (p 192). A cold anger towards malevolent actors serves one well, and may be the evolutionary purpose of anger.
The most useful part of the book is something Rick Littlewoood taught me years ago. I was not quick witted as a young man. He took pity on me and said when another insults you, agree with them and add a but ‘that may be so, but’. It has served me well. Ellis wrote “Your best retort frequently consists of seeming to agree with the put down; ignoring it; agreeing with it in part; or showing the other person that you do not take it too seriously, do not agree with it” p 189). This had echos of Sensei Rick.
This was first published in 1977, but updated after 2001. It was written in an age where the writers hypothesis was good enough to publish a book. It was of its time and likely to be forgotten. Neuroscience has taught us a lot more about the mechanics of anger and how to interrupt it when it is not useful to us. This is not a classic and has not stood the test of time.
February 13, 2021
Ahh, anger, the disease of the absolutes. Was this book helpful? I could say that. Was it a good experience? Far from it. Expect what you would from a pop-science book, with lots of reference to the author's other work, acronyms, a somewhat non-compelling form of communication - and that killer comparison that did prove to be the thief of my joy, mainly "how this is the one true way and no other method works as well as this".
January 2, 2009
Very user friendly and informative.
Read
May 16, 2025*Anger: How to Live With and Without It* by **Albert Ellis**, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), is a **psychological self-help guide** that tackles anger from a **rational and therapeutic standpoint**. Rather than advocating for total repression or uninhibited expression of anger, Ellis offers a balanced approach: **understand your anger, manage it rationally, and use it constructively**.
---
### **Core Premise**
Anger is a **natural but potentially destructive emotion** that stems largely from **irrational beliefs, rigid expectations, and self-defeating thoughts**. Through conscious awareness and rational thinking, individuals can **reduce inappropriate anger** and channel it in healthier, more productive ways.
---
### **Key Concepts and Strategies**
#### **1. The Nature of Anger**
* Anger is not caused by events themselves but by the **interpretations** and **demands** we place on those events.
* Common irrational beliefs fueling anger:
* “People must treat me fairly.”
* “Things should go my way.”
* “I can’t stand it when people act stupidly.”
* These **“musturbatory” beliefs** lead to resentment, rage, and interpersonal conflict.
#### **2. The Role of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)**
* REBT helps identify, challenge, and replace irrational beliefs with **rational alternatives**.
* The **ABCDE Model** is used:
* **A** – Activating event
* **B** – Belief about the event
* **C** – Consequence (emotional response)
* **D** – Disputation of the irrational belief
* **E** – Effective new belief or response
#### **3. When Anger Is Rational**
* Not all anger is bad—**rational anger** can be a healthy response to injustice or harm.
* The key is **proportionality and control**: anger that leads to constructive action without harming yourself or others.
* Ellis advises against “stuffing” anger, but warns against aggressive or explosive expression.
#### **4. Managing and Reducing Anger**
* Question internal demands like "They must respect me" or "I can’t stand this.”
* Use **cognitive reframing** to view events more flexibly and compassionately.
* Practice **emotional regulation tools**:
* Breathing exercises
* Humor
* Self-talk
* Relaxation techniques
#### **5. Communication and Conflict Resolution**
* Use **assertiveness, not aggression**, when expressing anger.
* Focus on problem-solving rather than punishment or revenge.
* Improve emotional intelligence to de-escalate conflicts and preserve relationships.
#### **6. Anger in Relationships**
* Anger is one of the most **destructive forces in intimate and professional relationships**.
* Ellis discusses how persistent anger often masks deeper insecurities, fears, or unresolved issues.
* Encourages open dialogue, empathy, and patience as alternatives to blame and control.
---
### **Tone and Style**
* **Direct, practical, and grounded in cognitive-behavioral psychology**.
* Written in a **no-nonsense, conversational tone**, with real-life examples and REBT exercises.
* Offers **long-term solutions**, not quick fixes—focused on **changing thought patterns**, not merely managing symptoms.
---
### **Core Takeaways**
* Anger is largely a **choice fueled by irrational thinking**—and can be managed through conscious, rational thought.
* You don’t need to **eliminate** anger, but you do need to **understand and tame** it.
* REBT provides a clear, structured approach to transforming anger into **calm, assertive, and productive behavior**.
---
*Anger: How to Live With and Without It* is a timeless, empowering guide for anyone who wants to **take control of their emotions**, improve their relationships, and stop letting anger run their life.
---
### **Core Premise**
Anger is a **natural but potentially destructive emotion** that stems largely from **irrational beliefs, rigid expectations, and self-defeating thoughts**. Through conscious awareness and rational thinking, individuals can **reduce inappropriate anger** and channel it in healthier, more productive ways.
---
### **Key Concepts and Strategies**
#### **1. The Nature of Anger**
* Anger is not caused by events themselves but by the **interpretations** and **demands** we place on those events.
* Common irrational beliefs fueling anger:
* “People must treat me fairly.”
* “Things should go my way.”
* “I can’t stand it when people act stupidly.”
* These **“musturbatory” beliefs** lead to resentment, rage, and interpersonal conflict.
#### **2. The Role of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)**
* REBT helps identify, challenge, and replace irrational beliefs with **rational alternatives**.
* The **ABCDE Model** is used:
* **A** – Activating event
* **B** – Belief about the event
* **C** – Consequence (emotional response)
* **D** – Disputation of the irrational belief
* **E** – Effective new belief or response
#### **3. When Anger Is Rational**
* Not all anger is bad—**rational anger** can be a healthy response to injustice or harm.
* The key is **proportionality and control**: anger that leads to constructive action without harming yourself or others.
* Ellis advises against “stuffing” anger, but warns against aggressive or explosive expression.
#### **4. Managing and Reducing Anger**
* Question internal demands like "They must respect me" or "I can’t stand this.”
* Use **cognitive reframing** to view events more flexibly and compassionately.
* Practice **emotional regulation tools**:
* Breathing exercises
* Humor
* Self-talk
* Relaxation techniques
#### **5. Communication and Conflict Resolution**
* Use **assertiveness, not aggression**, when expressing anger.
* Focus on problem-solving rather than punishment or revenge.
* Improve emotional intelligence to de-escalate conflicts and preserve relationships.
#### **6. Anger in Relationships**
* Anger is one of the most **destructive forces in intimate and professional relationships**.
* Ellis discusses how persistent anger often masks deeper insecurities, fears, or unresolved issues.
* Encourages open dialogue, empathy, and patience as alternatives to blame and control.
---
### **Tone and Style**
* **Direct, practical, and grounded in cognitive-behavioral psychology**.
* Written in a **no-nonsense, conversational tone**, with real-life examples and REBT exercises.
* Offers **long-term solutions**, not quick fixes—focused on **changing thought patterns**, not merely managing symptoms.
---
### **Core Takeaways**
* Anger is largely a **choice fueled by irrational thinking**—and can be managed through conscious, rational thought.
* You don’t need to **eliminate** anger, but you do need to **understand and tame** it.
* REBT provides a clear, structured approach to transforming anger into **calm, assertive, and productive behavior**.
---
*Anger: How to Live With and Without It* is a timeless, empowering guide for anyone who wants to **take control of their emotions**, improve their relationships, and stop letting anger run their life.
May 8, 2019
Even though this is an updated version, it still feels a little dated. But a few useful takeaways:
1. Other people don’t make us feel things. We are responsible for our own feelings, and feelings are sometimes based on distorted or unrealistic thinking.
2. People behave badly but that doesn’t make them bad people. That applies just as much to ourselves as to others.
3. He coins the term “musterbation” for thinking that things or people should/must/ought be or behave in certain ways - this kind of thinking is often what gives rise to anger. It is not logical. We can prefer to be treated in a certain way, but it is not a given, not something we are owed or can control.
4. Anger has some benefits - it is a protective mechanism - but these benefits are almost always outweighed by its negative repercussions in our communications and relationships with others.
1. Other people don’t make us feel things. We are responsible for our own feelings, and feelings are sometimes based on distorted or unrealistic thinking.
2. People behave badly but that doesn’t make them bad people. That applies just as much to ourselves as to others.
3. He coins the term “musterbation” for thinking that things or people should/must/ought be or behave in certain ways - this kind of thinking is often what gives rise to anger. It is not logical. We can prefer to be treated in a certain way, but it is not a given, not something we are owed or can control.
4. Anger has some benefits - it is a protective mechanism - but these benefits are almost always outweighed by its negative repercussions in our communications and relationships with others.
May 9, 2025
Some good thoughts
I picked this book up on sale to help alleviate some of needless anger. There are some good things suggested, while others I felt are a bit to naive. Overall good read to see some insights, however the added chapter on Terrorism was off in how it tries to redirect your anger. Not sure i would recommend or at least recommending not to read the Terrorism chapter.
I picked this book up on sale to help alleviate some of needless anger. There are some good things suggested, while others I felt are a bit to naive. Overall good read to see some insights, however the added chapter on Terrorism was off in how it tries to redirect your anger. Not sure i would recommend or at least recommending not to read the Terrorism chapter.
February 11, 2019
It was a good book for me lots of learning!
April 1, 2020
The best book I've read during this 2020 COVID-19 lockdown! Honest and practical
July 27, 2021
Great read
Very useful advice for effective ways to deal with anger. Easy to read, highly recommend this book to help deal with anger.
Very useful advice for effective ways to deal with anger. Easy to read, highly recommend this book to help deal with anger.
September 17, 2021
Albert Ellis will definitely more be in my reading lists! He shows us some feasible solutions to our problems
Read
September 22, 2010I checked this out but I don't remember if I actually read it.
August 5, 2016
Great manual: easy to read, understand and follow up
August 21, 2010
Good for substabce abuse clients
REBT
REBT
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews