Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns

by Shirley Impellizzeri

Put an end to dysfunctional behavior by discovering what your unconscious patterns are and learning to let them go.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health

240 pages, Paperback

First published May 15, 2012

Reviews

[Frances · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book about how the parenting style of your parents affected the way you think about yourself and life in general but it does not leave you there. There are steps you can take to change your thoughts, attitudes and believes and these are explained. Good book I recommend it.

[Kris Voyna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for personal reflection and insight

This book was just what I needed to read. For the first time, I learned about the fear of engulfment - and felt like they were describing my thoughts and behaviors perfectly. As I work on self-compassion and boundaries, this was useful and provided insight and suggested actions to challenge my not-so-helpful but well worn thought patterns and beliefs. Highly recommend this book!

[Natasha Dosa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great resources for understanding yourself

This book has lots of related concepts and practices that help you with self awareness and the process of change. This book focuses on the brain and how it handles emotion as it relates to our daily lives, relationships with spouses and kids as well as jobs and friendships.

[Sean S · Rating 3 out of 5]

interesting book, a bit repetitive, but makes some good points with respect to parenting and taking care of yourself

[Arie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not find this book useful or helpful. The attachment styles, while interesting, were not helpful as most people fall across all of them.

[Steve Cran · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ever catch yourself getting in your own way? Perhaps you are upset that you are not so successful yet youy have been offered several promotion only to turn them down. You find yourself afraid of more responsibility and are deathly afraid of making a mistake that will mess everything up. Perhaps your track record in relationships ain't all to terrific. Getting too close scares you and sometimes the relationships are not close enough that you wonder if your partner really cares about you.

What does it all boil down to. THe author here likes to link it to the parenting styles that our parents rasised us up with. There are healthy styyles where our primary caregiver which is usually the mother is always there and pays proper attention to us. They validate our feeling and if they make a mistake they fix and properly apologize for it, something called repair. Ambivalent parents are kind of flakey and unreliable. Sometimes they are their and sometimes they are not. THis produces someone who is very needy and attention seeking. Everything also worries them. THese sorts need lots of validation. The last type is the parent who is not there. THe child raised in this get a sense of false independence and unreal detachment. Sometimes they do not like it if you cozy up to them too much.

Perhaps the part I found most interesting was the part about the brain functions. The amydala is the fear detector or threat detector. The Hippocampus is our memory recorder and when things are stressfull or frightening it does not record all that accurately. OUr sympathetic nervous system gears us up for flight or fight responses.The parasympathetic gets us calmed down. Events in our life cause these diferent brain centers to work differently. If there is a lot featr our amygdala gets over sized if everything is calm and cool then our brain develops normally.

When people have a messed up background and they find their life is a mess they tend to use a variety of defenses to cover up the problem. Such defenses could include rationalization,sublimation, displacement and a host of others.

The first trick is tyo be aware of our triggers and emotions. Another trick is to go back to that old memory and change the outcome. This makes it less threatening. In addition to awareness there is grounding and staying in the moment.

I do not normally like psychology or self help books and I normally do not like books that point everythig back to the parents. Yet I have found that this books gives lots of insight into the hyuman psyche and that there is lots of useful info here to help overcome your issues

[Kathy Gebhart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book answered so many questions about myself. I have had a warm,loving relationship with my husband and children and have been very happy. I recently had a flash back when a friend jokingly yelled at me to wake me up from a deep peaceful sleep. I went to a dark place and was very disturbed by that experience. I began searching self help books for a solution. This book described me perfectly. I have read every book about anger that I could get my hands on and could never understand why I was angry and how to let go. I have always automatically taken care of others before myself. I worry all the time and felt so guilty that I usually did what was expected of me. I have a nervous habit of shaking my leg while sitting and my stomach churns when I have to face unpleasantness. I am overly sensitive and avoid confrontations. I will not turn to alcohol as I saw too much of that. Food and music have always been my escape. As a toddler I would violently rock back and forth on the couch if there was no rocking chair. I need to listen to music every night to get to sleep. I will wake up right away if the music stops. This book truly was a breath of fresh air and I understand my triggers and why I turn to food for comfort. I assumed I was weak. Turns out I was avoiding my emotions. I am going to make a conscious effort to change and avoid negative behaviors and treat myself better. I am worth it.

[Arun Mahendrakar · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt the book to concentrate on two main points - what kind of a parent you are and how to improve your relationship with your significant other. Although there are complete books on both these, this one gives a new perspective on the topics, especially the one for parenting. The exercises that the author gives were pretty interesting. I really liked the "validate your child's concern/fear" point. I am going to remember that for years to come.

The chapter on the functioning of the brain was a good primer, again there are people who spend decades of their lives to understand how the brain does, what it does. I'm now sure to keep track of my sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems in order to better my understanding of myself.

The author talks about defense mechanisms that our body uses for various purposes. I could relate to most of them (as to when I do such things myself). The discussion about 'listen to your body' were thought-provoking. Point noted miss Impellizzeri.

All in all an enjoyable book to read.

[Meaghan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this book free from LibraryThing's Early Reviewers.

There's a reason I don't usually read self-help books. This book is probably about as good as any other self-help, but all of them I have encountered seem to have a particular problem: they assume that the world you're surrounded by, and the people you're with, are all essentially normal. That your family and friends have problems, perhaps, but that they can change right alongside you.

But what if your world ISN'T normal and the people you're with are dysfunctional and WON'T change their maladaptive behavior no matter what you do?

A lot of the stuff in this self-help book (like the sample conversations on how to validate your emotions) simply doesn't work if the other people in your life won't behave.

[Simón · Rating 5 out of 5]

I used to be more suspect of heteronormative feel good self help books about birth family dynamics. however I got a lot out of this treatment of attachment disorders as an alternative way to thinking about ingrained patterns of negative thought. the writing style isn't too anecdote-littered and I especially enjoyed the author including herself and her journey rather than distancing herself from her clients. her examples from her own life, such as the cooked eggs and her daughter's emergency room visits inspired me. As a practical approach in self awareness, I believe this is a successful workbook, too, with sections for journaling about triggers, imbalanced relationships, and defense mechanisms.

[Erika Edwards · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book deeply impacted me. Shirley uses the psychology of attachment styles to help the reader pinpoint exactly what patterns they are stuck in and why. There are 4 attachment styles that are based off of how you were parented. I am studying to be a therapist and have learned the attachment styles, but until reading this book I didn't see which ones I fell under. I learned that I have both secure AND avoidant attachment which was spot on in helping me to understand my relationship to my parents and how that relationship has affected me into my adulthood. If you have parents you need to read this book!

[Spook Sulek · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed Impellizzeri's tone but would have preferred more footnotes, or references pertaining to each chapter's assertions in the back. There was a lot of really good information in the book, but if I'm not told precisely which study supports it, or what source she was using to support an idea, why should I believe it? Overall, though, a really useful book and good read. Maybe more of an intro-style book, but I'm glad I read it!

[Roro · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book on Attachment disorders and how they complicate your life. Learned a lot about the brain functions and learning to trick your mind into ways of thinking in a more positive light. No more negative talk!

[Carmen Pe'gues Early · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has me saying on a constant, "Hey wait that's talking about me." It's kind of refreshing to know that I'm not alone or crazy.

[Jennifer]

recomm by Syrena

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most useful books ever.